(upbeat march plays)
♪ Good morning, USA!
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
♪ Good... ♪ Good morning, USA
Aah!
Sync & corrections by honeybunny BehroozException@USA.com
According to my measurements,
it's super cold out here.
What did you find?
I don't know,
but I'm filled with professional curiosity.
(chuckles) You've been that way ever since science school.
God, I wonder what it is.
God, quit it, Francine.
Don't spray that crap near me; it's poison.
But it's lemon scented.
It's got vitamin-C.
Let me explain something to you, babe.
This body is a temple.
No, better than that: it's a church.
I keep this baby in pristine condition,
like a classic car.
I thought it was a church.
Vroom-vroom. Vroom-vroom.
This is a 1968 American-made man.
Top of the line.
Gorgeous, ain't he?
All original parts.
I even still have my baby teeth.
(baby cooing)
Oh, mein Gott!
Speaking of bodies, they found mine!
Your old human body?
I've been waiting for this news for years.
You see, I used to be an Olympic...
Hold on, Klaus.
I'm recalling how Klaus
was an Olympic skier for East Germany in the '80s.
Oh, yeah.
I'm recalling how the CIA kidnapped him
and switched his mind with a goldfish.
I was about to unveil a new ski jump technique:
Da Flippity Flop.
Twice the distance, four times the risk.
I showed it to a ski buddy, who tried it himself.
(crowd gasps)
Hey... hey, it says here
the CIA has taken custody of my body.
I want to ski jump again.
Soaring through the air,
I've never been so happy, so alive.
Stan, please put me back in my body!
Nah, sounds like a hassle.
A hassle?!
But this is my chance to be myself again.
Stan, come on, let Klaus have his body back.
What for?
You've got it made in that bowl.
All you have to do is float around all day,
eat and poo wherever you want.
Your whole life is like the last 20 years of Orson Welles' life.
You suck, Stan!
I'd rather be dead than live like a goldfish anymore!
Someone hand me that DustBuster.
(gasps)
This thing is never charged.
(Klaus sobbing)
Auf wiedersehen,
cruelich-wurldenplace.
Hey, Klaus!
What up?
Roger, what the hell is...
Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.
Hey, guy.
Interested in signing up
for a trial membership, Mr. Potential?
No, I don't want a gym membership.
Dude, everyone needs a place
to get their sweat on, am I right?
(laughs) You know it.
Not to mention the ladies.
Look at those bouncin' boobers, my man.
My man, they are lovin' you.
So, what would you consider to be your long-term workout goals?
I've literally never thought about that in my entire life.
Great answer. Perfect.
Man, I can see you here.
So what do you think, sign up for a two year?
Uh, I-I don't know.
I'll think about it.
Of course, yeah, look, I'm not a hard sell guy.
I'm a Christian.
Sign up, don't sign up, doesn't matter to me.
I just want to make sure you have every opportunity
to look and feel good.
Uh, okay.
Think it over.
Health is wealth.
Hey, can you spot me? How much?
I don't know, like 40.
(sighs)
Are you using again, Carl?
(sadly): Yes.
All right, well, there's extra in there.
Get me some, too.
Just help Klaus get his body, Stan.
I don't want to hear it anymore, Francine.
The only thing I want to hear right now
is the sweet sound of this Nickelback CD cracking
as I drive over it repeatedly.
(mechanical whirring, gasps)
(groans)
Stan, Klaus has been trying to kill himself for over a week.
Please, just put him back in his body.
Fine.
You mean it? Really?
(laughs)
(grunts, groans)
You guys, come back!
Now I want to live!
This is like something out of that Alanis Morissette song.
You know, the one with the video where she looks
even more slightly above average than usual.
(high-pitched giggling)
Will you shut up? We're not supposed to be here.
Sorry, I'm just excited.
(dance music playing)
Hey, um, what's going on?
I sent Weitzman out for burritos
and he came back with tacos instead.
(chuckles)
Cool.
Hey, I need that Klaus Heisler body that came in last week.
Oh, sure thing. It's right here.
(gags)
Uh, what happened to all the ice?
Yeah, we needed it for margaritas.
Yech...
(whispering): We're getting these girls drunk so we can kiss them.
This is all your fault.
If you had just taken me here last week when I asked you,
I'd be in my body, but now it's ruined.
I'll never ski jump again.
You completely boned me.
Well, usually you de-bone fish, so I did good, huh?
(laughs)
KLAUS: Stan, are you okay?
You have to wake up.
We have to go.
Guten morgen, fish face.
Klaus, you son of a bitch!
You switch us back right...
(grunts)
Oh, God, oh, my God, I just pooped.
Does it just float here?
Why is my mind telling me to eat it?
(brakes squeak)
You have not stopped picking your nose since we left the CIA.
I know, it just feels so good to have a nose to pick.
And you left me so much to dig out.
Nasty.
You know you'll never get away with this.
Oh, yes, I will.
I'm going to enjoy life once again as a human,
and I am going to enjoy watching you live as a fish.
Francine and the kids are never gonna believe you're me.
Oh, I've been watching you for many years, Stan.
I'm sure I can fool them for quite a while.
(in American accent): Hey, I'm Stan Smith.
I love America, and we're number one no matter what.
(gunshots) Woo-hoo! Yipee!
Okay, I admit it's a pretty good impression.
But once I start talking, they're gonna know...
Hey, Stan.
Hey.
Oh, my God, Klaus is in Dad's body.
What? No, I'm Stan.
Woo-hoo! Yipee!
Klaus, what did you do?
Where's Stan?
Oh, my God.
Listen, I'm sure you're pissed...
Pissed?
You're in my husband's body,
and he's in the body of a goldfish.
(laughing): That's hilarious.
Totally. (snorts)
Stan, I know this may be hard to hear,
but you've been a jerk to Klaus forever.
You had this coming.
Like hell I did.
And how dare you betray me like...
Sheesh, if it were only that easy to shut him up
after seeing The Help.
I get it, Stan, you want a black maid.
Wait, Klaus, why didn't you just switch into your body?
'Cause your idiot father let it sit and rot.
Now it's all gross and decomposed.
It looks like Cameron Diaz without her Cameron Diaz mask.
So when are you gonna switch back?
You obviously can't stay like that.
Of course, of course.
I just want a couple of days to enjoy the things
I haven't been able to do in a while.
(gasps) Maybe I'll go swimming.
Well, okay, just a couple days.
Don't worry, you'll have your Stan back soon.
You're never getting your body back.
Ever.
(sighs) Oh, my stars, what a day.
(beep)
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You have new messages.
When did I get an answering machine?
ROGER: Hey, Steve, how's it going?
It's Roger over at Roger's Gym.
Just wanted to follow up on your visit.
Give me a shout when you can. No presh.
Hope you're well, man.
(beep) Steve-o!
Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym.
Hey, I was talking to my manager.
Incredible deal just popped up, thought of you.
Holla at you, boy!
Call immediately.
(beep) Steve! It's Rowdy Roddy Piper.
No, I'm just kidding-- it's Roger.
I'm just on a smoothie run, wanted to see what you wanted.
I'll just grab you the protein power blend.
Meet you up at the gym in about 15.
We'll get the sign-up out of the way.
(horn honking, crashing)
Aah! You clipped me, bro!
Make that 20, bud, I got clipped.
I'm okay. Not everybody's okay.
Actually if you could get the smoothies,
that'd be a big help, and grab me a bagel, would you?
You clipped me, chief!
(beep) Hey, Steve.
Hey, I'm at the courthouse.
I'm not supposed to have my phone.
Three people died in that accident.
They're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap.
Anyway, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse,
drop off those smoothies, we could knock out that sign-up.
I got the forms with me.
My manager said he'd throw in a couple Pilates classes.
I've never seen him do that.
MAN: Hey, get off the phone!
ROGER: What'd you say to me?
(beep) Steve, it's Snot!
Turn on the news, dude.
Someone's going berserk at the courthouse,
shooting everybody up!
(beep) Steve, it's Rog, Rog the Dodge Charger.
I'm back at the gym.
Listen, my manager is freaking out
about this deal I'm offering you.
I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me.
(beep) Steve!
(beep) Steve-o!
(beep) S-man!
(beep) Stefan Urkel!
(beep) Even Steven!
(beep) Steve it to Stever!
(beep) Steven, pick up the (bleep) phone!
(beep) Hi, calling for Steven Smith?
(beep) (high-pitched): Hello, Steve,
this is the girl that you like.
No, Klaus, you bastard, stop!
Don't you dare smoke that with my pretty pink lungs.
I like holding the smoke in my lungs
until it's completely absorbed into the cells.
Stop that right now.
I forbid you to damage my body.
It's not your body anymore.
It's mine.
And I'll do what I want with it.
(shudders)
Stop doing that to my body!
What about my body, Stan?
I finally had a chance to get it back, and you let it rot.
You think smoking is bad?
Let's really take this body out for a test drive.
♪
Push it, Carl, you weak piece of ass! Go!
Oh, I hate you so much.
Lift it or I'll plunge my fist into your sister's...
There you go. Good job.
All right, rest up; we'll do it again in a minute.
Hey, what up, bro?
Look, Roger, you got to stop calling me.
I'm not joining your gym.
What?
Look, buddy, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Things are not going well for me.
Wife's leaving me, got lawyer bills stacked up,
nobody's re-racking their weights.
I need this, Steve, real bad.
Okay, I am ready to go again.
Not now, Carl!
That's Carl, great guy.
Knows a ton about old buildings.
So what do you say, boss?
(sighs) I'll try a month.
Great, let's get started.
Medicine ball.
(groans)
Yeah, feel that burn.
Good morning, ladies.
Oh, what a night.
We had such fun.
Get away from me!
He violated my body.
He... I did... horrible things.
I lost several virginities last night.
Oh, come on, Stan.
Your body looks fine.
He abused me.
He did drugs, he had sex,
he paid a woman to pee on my body.
Oh, oh, he beat up a cop,
and then somehow, he paid off the cop,
and then he peed on me, too.
Wait, who peed on you?
Everyone! Oh, Stan's full of it.
He just wants to get out of being a fish.
As you can see, everything's fine.
Liar! Look at the tattoo he got.
See?
Are those elephant tusks?
Yeah.
See, Stan, I told you people would get it.
Klaus, what have you done to his body?
It's not his body anymore, Franny.
It's mine.
But you said...
I know what I said.
I fibbed.
(gasps)
Give my dad his body back.
Punch in the face.
Stay back! (gasps)
Well, since the jig is up,
I'm gonna do the one thing I was destined to do...
break the world ski jump record with Da Flippity Flop.
Oh, God, that move is suicide.
I can't end up being just another decapitation on YouTube
for the Arabs to spank it to.
Let's go stop him!
Hey!
Damn it, I can't do anything as a fish.
Dad, are you sure you don't want to wait for another body?
There aren't any others.
Now, let's go get my body back.
Stan, I don't think we have time for this.
Do we?
Stan, I know we have to stop Klaus,
but can't we roll down the windows?
Or turn off the air conditioning?
No, I need it as cold as possible in here
so I don't decompose any further.
But Klaus's body smells so bad.
I can't take it.
(sniffs)
Oh, that's better.
I just farted.
Hayley, fart; it helps.
Here, I'll point the fan more to me.
Happy?
Yeah, thank...
(choking, gagging)
(vomiting)
How do you even know where Klaus is going?
Well, there's only one ski area around
that has one of those giant ski jumps.
Jump City.
You've seen the commercials.
(rock music playing)
Jump City!
No, I don't think so.
Jump City!
Whatever, that's where we're going.
Do you see Klaus anywhere?
Oh, my God, look at that jump.
There he is!
Ahh, this line blows.
Hey, let's go up as singles.
No way, I always end up sitting next to some total weirdo.
Come on, I swear, you'll meet someone cool.
(sighs) All right.
Guten tag!
I'm going skiing.
(sighs)
Hi, guys, sorry about that.
Hey, Klaus, it's me!
Don't do the jump.
Oh, God, he's in my old body.
Piss off, Stan!
I'm doing this!
What are you looking at?
That guy has my body.
See, this is his old body.
Then the CIA made him a fish,
and then he stole my body.
You were right, man!
Sorry.
You know, I was reluctant at first,
but I'm actually kind of excited,
excited about building a better Steve.
And it couldn't be more convenient.
Well, I'm almost there, so I should hop.
No cell phones allowed in the gym.
Thanks for not hanging up when I dialed you by accident,
Dame Judi Dench.
(dial tone)
Where you been? You so late.
You take "bicyc-quow," make delivery.
What are you talking about?
Bicyc-quow.
What happened to the gym?
Oh, Chinese restaurant much more profitable.
But I paid for a month membership.
I want my money back.
Oh, so sorry.
You don't read fine print on contract.
"In event gym turn to Chinese restaurant,
you bicyc-quow delivery boy."
I'm not delivering your Chinese food on a bicycle.
A what? A bicycle.
A bicyc-quow.
You ride bicyc-quow! (sighs)
(rock music playing)
Klaus, stop!
No way, Stan.
I'm never going back in that bowl.
But you could kill yourself.
In my body.
And what a way to go!
The speed, the wind in your face,
and the flying.
(laughing): Oh, the flying.
There's nothing else like it in the world.
Don't even try it, Klaus.
Enough!
(both screaming)
My leg is broken!
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Whoo!
(screaming)
Stan, you can make it!
Listen to my body.
It knows what to do.
I'm... doing it.
Whoa, whoa, what's going on?
Da Flippity Flop.
Da Flippity Flop, it works!
Oh, my God,
it is like flying.
(quietly): Jump City.
This must be what angels feel li...
(cracking, crunching)
Hey, hey, congrats, man.
That's got to be a world record.
(gurgling)
You're not going anywhere.
Punch in the face.
You think we should've gone with them to the CIA
to make sure there wasn't another mix-up?
Why don't you go to the CIA.
You're the one with no job.
Hey, we're home.
Oh, thank God.
Hold it, honey, no hugging yet.
I'm still pretty sensitive
after having all those tattoos removed.
But I'm not mad.
These last few days of living like a fish
have given me a new appreciation for you, Klaus.
You used to fly,
and now you're trapped in a bowl.
Your life is harder than I ever imagined.
I am truly sorry I didn't give you more respect
through the years,
and I vow to find you a new body
so you can be human again.
Thank you, Stan.
That's all I ever wanted.
When do you think it will happen? Probably never, buddy.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny BehroozException@USA.com