1 00:00:01,065 --> 00:00:02,698 [ Crickets chirping ] 2 00:00:02,734 --> 00:00:07,403 [ Sneaky music playing ] 3 00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:08,838 [ Lowered voice ] All clear? 4 00:00:08,873 --> 00:00:10,506 [ Lowered voice ] On my signal. 5 00:00:10,542 --> 00:00:12,608 Go, go, go! We gotta get out before Hayley -- 6 00:00:12,660 --> 00:00:13,910 Dad? [ Normal voice ] Hayley's home! 7 00:00:13,945 --> 00:00:15,912 [ Switch clicks ] Hey, girl! 8 00:00:15,947 --> 00:00:18,381 What's going on? Nothing or whatever. 9 00:00:18,416 --> 00:00:21,818 Wait a minute. Dad's wearing his special eating pants, 10 00:00:21,853 --> 00:00:24,520 and mom's got Tupperware labeled "Cheesecake Warehouse." 11 00:00:24,556 --> 00:00:27,290 [ Gasps ] You're going to the Cheesecake Warehouse! 12 00:00:27,325 --> 00:00:29,792 Ugh. Now I suppose everybody has to listen to a thing. 13 00:00:29,828 --> 00:00:31,794 Did you know the Cheesecake Warehouse 14 00:00:31,830 --> 00:00:33,296 makes $2 billion a year 15 00:00:33,331 --> 00:00:34,831 while their employees make minimum wage? 16 00:00:34,866 --> 00:00:36,116 It's not fair! 17 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:39,469 Hayley, let me break this down like the great Vanessa Williams 18 00:00:39,504 --> 00:00:41,037 in "a diva's Christmas Carol." 19 00:00:41,072 --> 00:00:44,974 ♪ Don't be so serious, there must be some mistake ♪ 20 00:00:44,976 --> 00:00:49,729 ♪ am I delirious or do you want a cheesecake? ♪ 21 00:00:49,781 --> 00:00:52,982 The Cheesecake Warehouse is the leading cause of diabetes 22 00:00:53,017 --> 00:00:54,383 in the state of Virginia. 23 00:00:54,419 --> 00:00:55,618 [ All groan ] 24 00:00:55,653 --> 00:00:57,553 Hayley, you're always ranting -- 25 00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:00,089 "This isn't fair, that isn't fair, 26 00:01:00,124 --> 00:01:01,858 "children don't belong in factories, 27 00:01:01,893 --> 00:01:04,494 I shouldn't print out all my e-mails." 28 00:01:04,529 --> 00:01:06,095 [ Scoffs ] You're such a downer. 29 00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:08,598 Being opinionated doesn't make me a downer. 30 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:09,832 Tell 'em, Jeff. 31 00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:11,400 Well... 32 00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:13,102 I can't believe this. 33 00:01:13,137 --> 00:01:15,371 I'm used to hearing it from them, but... 34 00:01:15,406 --> 00:01:17,507 It's not you. It's just... 35 00:01:17,542 --> 00:01:20,943 You kinda have a frowny face, which can put people off. 36 00:01:20,979 --> 00:01:23,112 If you just did this... 37 00:01:23,147 --> 00:01:24,814 That's what I'm -- 38 00:01:24,849 --> 00:01:26,015 Hayley's back. 39 00:01:26,050 --> 00:01:27,650 It's just how I look, okay? 40 00:01:27,685 --> 00:01:29,785 Actually, that's not true. 41 00:01:29,821 --> 00:01:32,054 You were the happiest little 6-year-old. 42 00:01:32,090 --> 00:01:34,423 Remember her beautiful smile? 43 00:01:34,459 --> 00:01:36,859 I had to fight the kidnappers away. 44 00:01:36,895 --> 00:01:38,094 Seriously? 45 00:01:38,129 --> 00:01:40,029 Is it really so hard to believe? 46 00:01:40,064 --> 00:01:42,532 I mean, am I so horrible? 47 00:01:42,584 --> 00:01:44,450 Is it that impossible to be around me? 48 00:01:44,502 --> 00:01:47,537 [ Tires screech, engine revs ] 49 00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:51,624 ♪ We made a getaway 'cause Hayley's hard to take ♪ 50 00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:55,878 ♪ dad put the pedal down, we're gonna eat a cheesecake ♪ 51 00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:58,431 ♪ 52 00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,684 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 53 00:02:01,719 --> 00:02:04,971 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 54 00:02:05,023 --> 00:02:08,057 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 55 00:02:08,059 --> 00:02:12,528 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 56 00:02:14,449 --> 00:02:17,533 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say 57 00:02:17,569 --> 00:02:19,902 ♪ good -- ♪ good morning, U.S.A. 58 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,944 [ Crickets chirping ] 59 00:02:27,979 --> 00:02:30,446 Hey, babe, what you doing? 60 00:02:30,481 --> 00:02:33,416 Oh, why'd you get out your paper Facebook? 61 00:02:33,451 --> 00:02:37,753 Look at this. I-I'm smiling in every picture. 62 00:02:37,755 --> 00:02:41,724 It's weird, but I don't remember any of this. 63 00:02:41,759 --> 00:02:44,193 I guess 'cause drugs. 64 00:02:44,228 --> 00:02:46,028 "Happy Hayley"? 65 00:02:46,064 --> 00:02:47,997 God, what happened to me? 66 00:02:48,032 --> 00:02:49,865 I mean, my family's avoiding me. 67 00:02:49,901 --> 00:02:51,567 What if I drive you away? 68 00:02:51,603 --> 00:02:54,737 Babe, that'll never happen. I got nowhere else to go. 69 00:02:54,772 --> 00:02:57,707 Oh, happy Hayley. Those were the days. 70 00:02:57,742 --> 00:03:00,209 Oh, my God! How are you doing that? 71 00:03:00,244 --> 00:03:03,012 I'm from outer space, Jeff. I can do lots of cool shit. 72 00:03:03,047 --> 00:03:06,082 Here's a little sump'n sump'n I learned on Vega five. 73 00:03:08,019 --> 00:03:09,452 [ Groans ] 74 00:03:09,487 --> 00:03:10,853 You remember happy Hayley? 75 00:03:10,888 --> 00:03:12,588 What? Oh, sure. 76 00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:14,123 Always smiling. 77 00:03:14,125 --> 00:03:15,958 [ Baby voice ] You were a bunny-wunny. 78 00:03:15,994 --> 00:03:18,761 You were a sweetie-cutie- baby-honey-pie. 79 00:03:18,796 --> 00:03:21,464 You were tooshy-wooshy- boohjy-boohjy. 80 00:03:21,516 --> 00:03:23,099 [ Normal voice ] And now I'm indifferent to you. 81 00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:25,001 Oh, I wish I could remember what it felt like 82 00:03:25,036 --> 00:03:26,235 to be that happy. 83 00:03:26,270 --> 00:03:27,937 You can. Make an appointment 84 00:03:27,972 --> 00:03:30,106 to see Dr. penguin for hypnotherapy. 85 00:03:30,141 --> 00:03:32,708 Roger, I don't want you messing around with my head. 86 00:03:32,744 --> 00:03:35,177 Happy Hayley at the petting zoo?! 87 00:03:35,213 --> 00:03:37,730 Oh, I just wanna love her forever! 88 00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,198 Is Dr. penguin available now? 89 00:03:39,233 --> 00:03:40,816 We can probably squeeze you in, 90 00:03:40,818 --> 00:03:42,151 but we don't take insurance. 91 00:03:42,186 --> 00:03:43,066 We don't know how. 92 00:03:44,661 --> 00:03:45,927 [ School bell rings ] 93 00:03:45,962 --> 00:03:47,662 So we're at the Cheesecake Warehouse, 94 00:03:47,664 --> 00:03:49,881 and Charlotte comes over. We're in her section. 95 00:03:49,916 --> 00:03:51,084 Nice. 96 00:03:51,204 --> 00:03:53,334 And I said, "Charlotte, I want you to take away 97 00:03:53,386 --> 00:03:54,752 "this fork and knife 98 00:03:54,804 --> 00:03:56,420 and bring me some pork I can eat with a spoon." 99 00:03:56,473 --> 00:03:58,506 [ Chuckles ] She laughs and probably forgets 100 00:03:58,508 --> 00:04:00,508 about her blind son for a moment. 101 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,844 But when the pork comes, oh, my God. 102 00:04:02,846 --> 00:04:04,512 What is it, Steve? 103 00:04:04,514 --> 00:04:06,931 It was stringy, tough, chewy, even. 104 00:04:06,983 --> 00:04:08,766 I had to ask for my knife and fork back. 105 00:04:08,818 --> 00:04:10,101 [ All gasp ] 106 00:04:10,153 --> 00:04:11,652 Charlotte had to do the walk of shame 107 00:04:11,688 --> 00:04:13,070 to the utensil station, 108 00:04:13,106 --> 00:04:15,690 and I went home with a gut full of hard pork. 109 00:04:15,692 --> 00:04:17,658 [ Lowered voice ] Yo, couldn't help but overhear. 110 00:04:17,694 --> 00:04:20,928 You boys in the market for some soft pork? 111 00:04:20,964 --> 00:04:23,564 Oh, dear. You want the perfect pork? 112 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:27,435 You gotta get yourself a slow cooker. 113 00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,736 Get outta here, Tim. 114 00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:31,005 You're not even a real pervert. 115 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,808 A slow cooker really makes that much of a difference? 116 00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:36,010 After you do a slow cook, 117 00:04:36,045 --> 00:04:38,479 you'll never look at pork the same way again. 118 00:04:38,515 --> 00:04:41,382 Whoa! Message received, buddy. 119 00:04:41,417 --> 00:04:45,419 Before I give you this, there's one thing to remember. 120 00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:49,423 The slower the cook, the better the taste. 121 00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:53,494 The slower the cook, the better the taste. 122 00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:55,796 The slower the cook... 123 00:04:55,832 --> 00:04:58,165 [ Whispers ] the better the taste. 124 00:04:58,201 --> 00:05:00,034 [ All gasp ] 125 00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:02,570 That guy's so weird about pork. 126 00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:05,456 Anyway... [ Deep voice ] I'm Batman. 127 00:05:05,491 --> 00:05:07,875 [ Birds chirping ] 128 00:05:07,911 --> 00:05:09,644 So here's how it works. 129 00:05:09,679 --> 00:05:12,146 I do hypnotherapy to help people better themselves, 130 00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,815 to stop smoking... or start smoking. 131 00:05:14,851 --> 00:05:16,450 I do both, whichever's easier. 132 00:05:16,486 --> 00:05:18,119 One's way easier. 133 00:05:18,154 --> 00:05:20,755 Anyhow, we'll use hypnotherapy to bring you back 134 00:05:20,790 --> 00:05:22,690 to when you were 6, and we'll find out 135 00:05:22,725 --> 00:05:24,475 what made you so happy. 136 00:05:24,510 --> 00:05:28,930 You're 6 years old again. 6 years old. 137 00:05:28,982 --> 00:05:30,648 With every swing of the watch, 138 00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,483 you go a little deeper. 139 00:05:32,518 --> 00:05:34,936 Happy Hayley. 140 00:05:36,739 --> 00:05:38,673 Hayley's still in there with Dr. penguin? 141 00:05:38,708 --> 00:05:39,941 How long has it been? 142 00:05:39,976 --> 00:05:41,542 I don't know, Mr. S. 143 00:05:41,578 --> 00:05:44,245 Hayley usually keeps track of how long I sit. 144 00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:47,815 [ Door opens ] 145 00:05:47,850 --> 00:05:49,116 Roger! Snap out of it! 146 00:05:49,118 --> 00:05:51,452 Oh, my God. I think I did it. 147 00:05:51,454 --> 00:05:54,522 I quit! I quit not smoking! 148 00:05:54,557 --> 00:05:56,090 I gotta get a ciggy! 149 00:05:56,125 --> 00:05:57,959 Hayley, are you all right? 150 00:05:58,011 --> 00:06:00,661 [ High-pitched childish voice ] Daddy! Can we get ice cream? 151 00:06:00,697 --> 00:06:02,463 Pretty, pretty please?! 152 00:06:02,465 --> 00:06:06,133 Yeah, sure, if you can tell me how old you are. 153 00:06:06,185 --> 00:06:08,936 Silly, daddy. I'm 6! 154 00:06:08,972 --> 00:06:10,721 What? Roger, what did you -- 155 00:06:10,773 --> 00:06:12,223 [ joint cracks ] Uhh! 156 00:06:12,275 --> 00:06:14,558 [ Strained voice ] My back! It's the l-5! 157 00:06:14,611 --> 00:06:18,195 [ Groans ] Must... get to... vicodin stash. 158 00:06:18,231 --> 00:06:20,531 Horsey ride! [ Giggles ] [ Grunting ] 159 00:06:20,566 --> 00:06:22,149 Whoa! Ride 'em, girl! 160 00:06:22,201 --> 00:06:24,535 [ Laughing ] Ah! 161 00:06:24,570 --> 00:06:28,122 [ Slurring ] This was supposed to be a fun night. [ Cries ] 162 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,860 [ Birds chirping ] 163 00:06:30,895 --> 00:06:32,612 One, two, three... 164 00:06:32,664 --> 00:06:33,985 Roger, we can't have a grown woman 165 00:06:33,998 --> 00:06:35,596 acting like a child. 166 00:06:35,716 --> 00:06:37,666 This ain't no Disney channel. 167 00:06:37,718 --> 00:06:40,335 ...9, 10! Couch attack! 168 00:06:40,387 --> 00:06:42,087 Uhh! 169 00:06:42,139 --> 00:06:44,089 Roger, hypnotize Hayley back. 170 00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:46,475 Okay, okay, just let me finish this last one. 171 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,977 [ Inhales deeply ] 172 00:06:49,013 --> 00:06:53,031 [ Gulps ] Smoking's so glamorous. 173 00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,266 [ Lighter clicks ] 174 00:06:55,736 --> 00:06:59,104 You're not 6 anymore. You're not 6 anymore. 175 00:06:59,156 --> 00:07:02,574 Tag! You're it! [ Giggling ] 176 00:07:02,610 --> 00:07:06,078 There's fishy! Fishy! 177 00:07:06,113 --> 00:07:09,081 Oh, no. Happy Hayley, my mortal enemy. 178 00:07:09,116 --> 00:07:10,349 The monster is back. 179 00:07:10,384 --> 00:07:13,702 Hurricane fishy! 180 00:07:13,754 --> 00:07:15,537 Ugh. This is my fault 181 00:07:15,589 --> 00:07:18,006 for not putting up sandbags. 182 00:07:18,042 --> 00:07:19,424 [ Birds chirping ] 183 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:23,011 Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I have a hot dog? 184 00:07:23,047 --> 00:07:25,047 You want a hot dog? 185 00:07:25,099 --> 00:07:26,715 And some mint chip ice cream. 186 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:31,036 Why, uh, of course, honey. I'll whip that up right now. 187 00:07:31,071 --> 00:07:33,639 You're the best mommy ever! 188 00:07:33,641 --> 00:07:35,140 Hey! 189 00:07:35,192 --> 00:07:37,226 This is my chance to raise her right. 190 00:07:37,278 --> 00:07:39,978 [ Inhales ] Get her into child acting... 191 00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,531 [ Exhaling deeply ] Make some cash. 192 00:07:42,566 --> 00:07:44,650 Daddy's home! 193 00:07:44,652 --> 00:07:47,286 Look, daddy, I made you a friendship bracelet. 194 00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:49,404 It means we're B.F.F.s -- best friends forever. 195 00:07:49,456 --> 00:07:51,540 But you can't ever take it off, or else I'll know. 196 00:07:51,575 --> 00:07:53,242 'Kay, promise you'll never take it off? 197 00:07:53,294 --> 00:07:55,711 I promise. I've been meaning to get rid of my old one. 198 00:07:57,164 --> 00:07:59,731 [ Gasps ] He promised he'd never take it off! 199 00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:02,167 [ Voice breaking ] You're supposed to wear them 200 00:08:02,202 --> 00:08:04,136 until they fall off! 201 00:08:04,171 --> 00:08:06,305 It's in the rules! 202 00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:07,806 [ Crickets chirping ] 203 00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:11,777 So, babe, I'm just curious. 204 00:08:11,812 --> 00:08:15,580 I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now. 205 00:08:15,616 --> 00:08:18,016 I love you. You're my best friend. 206 00:08:18,052 --> 00:08:20,285 Oh, that's so great to hear. 207 00:08:20,321 --> 00:08:22,020 I love you, too, Hayles. 208 00:08:22,056 --> 00:08:24,122 It's so awesome you're a princess. 209 00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:25,674 What's that, Anna? 210 00:08:25,794 --> 00:08:29,328 There's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room? 211 00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:34,299 You and your pee-pee are gross. 212 00:08:34,335 --> 00:08:36,034 [ Ticks, dings ] 213 00:08:36,070 --> 00:08:38,704 All right! The roast is finally done. 214 00:08:38,739 --> 00:08:42,236 Eight hours without food. It's like I'm a poor! 215 00:08:42,358 --> 00:08:44,525 Wait. Remember what the salesman said 216 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,326 four times in the alley? 217 00:08:46,362 --> 00:08:48,529 The slower the cook, the better the taste. 218 00:08:48,564 --> 00:08:51,265 I say we double the time. Or why stop there? 219 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:52,766 Let's double the double. 220 00:08:52,802 --> 00:08:54,435 [ Moans ] [ Timer winds ] 221 00:08:54,470 --> 00:08:57,237 This pork isn't coming out until it's absolutely perfect. 222 00:08:57,273 --> 00:08:59,306 Well, I've always said I'm not gonna come out 223 00:08:59,341 --> 00:09:02,443 until I’m absolutely perfect. [ Gasps ] 224 00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:06,980 Hey, guys, we need to talk about Hayley. 225 00:09:07,016 --> 00:09:08,482 Isn't she great? 226 00:09:08,517 --> 00:09:10,884 Look, she made me this sweet-ass friendship bracelet. 227 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,053 Oh, did you not get one? Aw. 228 00:09:13,089 --> 00:09:16,890 No, guys, this is bad! My wife is 6! 229 00:09:16,926 --> 00:09:19,259 Oh, children are more sexual than we realize. 230 00:09:19,295 --> 00:09:21,829 It was my work in that area that cemented my tenure 231 00:09:21,864 --> 00:09:23,263 at the university of the Ozarks. 232 00:09:23,299 --> 00:09:24,498 Go, possums! 233 00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:26,400 Don't be selfish, Jeff. 234 00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,969 Hayley's finally happy again. 235 00:09:29,004 --> 00:09:31,939 She eats everything, and she lets me dress her up 236 00:09:31,974 --> 00:09:33,240 however I want. 237 00:09:33,275 --> 00:09:35,225 Mommy, look! I'm as pretty as you! 238 00:09:35,277 --> 00:09:36,977 Almost. 239 00:09:37,029 --> 00:09:39,379 Dr. penguin, there's gotta be something you can do. 240 00:09:39,415 --> 00:09:42,483 All right. Let's commence the un-hypnotizing. 241 00:09:42,535 --> 00:09:46,153 It's a very delicate procedure. I'll need total silence. 242 00:09:46,155 --> 00:09:49,323 Snap out of it! Snap out of it! 243 00:09:49,325 --> 00:09:51,041 Patty cake, Roger! 244 00:09:51,077 --> 00:09:52,910 Both: [ Chanting ] ♪ my mother, your mother 245 00:09:52,962 --> 00:09:55,329 ♪ lived across the street, 1-8-1-9 blueberry street ♪ 246 00:09:55,331 --> 00:09:56,997 ♪ every night they have a fight ♪ 247 00:09:56,999 --> 00:09:59,216 ♪ this is what they said that night ♪ 248 00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:01,135 ♪ boys go to Jupiter, get more stupider ♪ 249 00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:03,170 ♪ girls go to Mars to be superstars ♪ 250 00:10:03,222 --> 00:10:05,005 ♪ rumble, tumble, strawberry shake ♪ 251 00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:06,240 Freeze! 252 00:10:06,275 --> 00:10:08,425 [ Both laugh ] 253 00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:12,229 Ah, childhood. Such a sweet, sexual time. 254 00:10:12,264 --> 00:10:14,014 Hey! You didn't fix her. 255 00:10:14,016 --> 00:10:15,599 Sorry, Jeff, but Hayley seems to be 256 00:10:15,651 --> 00:10:18,352 in what is known as age regression lock. 257 00:10:18,354 --> 00:10:21,421 So she'll stay a 6 year old forever? 258 00:10:21,457 --> 00:10:24,124 Not forever, but, yes, until she dies. 259 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,360 That is, unless you find her trigger. 260 00:10:26,395 --> 00:10:27,861 Wait. What -- what do you mean? 261 00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:30,414 Happy Hayley didn't stay happy Hayley. 262 00:10:30,449 --> 00:10:31,865 [ Lighter clicks ] 263 00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:33,867 Something in her past turned her 264 00:10:33,869 --> 00:10:35,586 into the cranky, preachy downer Hayley 265 00:10:35,621 --> 00:10:37,538 that we all know and you love. 266 00:10:37,590 --> 00:10:39,506 Finding that trigger should bring her back. 267 00:10:39,542 --> 00:10:41,041 Enough of this nonsense! 268 00:10:41,043 --> 00:10:43,043 I think it's time for a family trip 269 00:10:43,045 --> 00:10:45,345 to the Cheesecake Warehouse! 270 00:10:45,381 --> 00:10:48,298 Yay! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Buffalo bites! 271 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:51,385 I'm in! I can smoke there 'cause it's gross. 272 00:10:53,055 --> 00:10:56,023 Ugh. I need to find Hayley's trigger. 273 00:10:56,058 --> 00:10:57,224 I will help. 274 00:10:57,259 --> 00:10:58,992 Yuck. Klaus? 275 00:10:59,028 --> 00:11:02,229 I've been hiding all week from that 6-year-old asshole. 276 00:11:02,264 --> 00:11:04,598 [ Birds chirping ] 277 00:11:06,135 --> 00:11:08,535 Whoa, look, her 7th birthday party. 278 00:11:16,078 --> 00:11:18,579 Oh, look how sad she is, 279 00:11:18,631 --> 00:11:22,332 like a single baby's shoe floating down the river. 280 00:11:28,991 --> 00:11:31,959 Something at that party made her stop smiling. 281 00:11:33,262 --> 00:11:35,062 That was it! That was the moment 282 00:11:35,097 --> 00:11:37,231 she became downer Hayley! 283 00:11:37,266 --> 00:11:39,333 What is she looking at? 284 00:11:39,368 --> 00:11:41,335 There. This boy behind Hayley 285 00:11:41,370 --> 00:11:43,370 was taking a picture at the same time. 286 00:11:43,405 --> 00:11:46,039 If he still has it, then we can see what Hayley saw. 287 00:11:46,075 --> 00:11:48,475 Whoa, whoa, one step at at time. 288 00:11:48,510 --> 00:11:51,044 First, we have to go through this whole yearbook 289 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,197 to try and find -- Oh, here he is. Joe Chandler. 290 00:11:53,249 --> 00:11:55,482 He has a camera in his school picture, too. 291 00:11:55,517 --> 00:11:57,651 Hmm. Bit of a shutterbug, I suppose. 292 00:11:57,686 --> 00:12:00,053 Great detective work, Klaus. 293 00:12:00,089 --> 00:12:02,055 Hey, we make a pretty good team. 294 00:12:02,091 --> 00:12:04,424 Looks like this case was made for... 295 00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:06,727 Fish and the Jeffman. 296 00:12:08,380 --> 00:12:14,218 [ Both humming "wheels and the legman" theme ] 297 00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:17,971 [ Humming continues ] 298 00:12:20,643 --> 00:12:22,976 [ Brakes squeal ] 299 00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:26,563 Damn it! Roger's suing us for copyright infringement. 300 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:29,316 He says this is like "wheels and the legman." 301 00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:31,318 What?! In what way?! 302 00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:33,654 [ Bubbling ] 303 00:12:33,706 --> 00:12:35,656 What are you boys doing? 304 00:12:35,708 --> 00:12:37,291 It's been a week, Steve. 305 00:12:37,326 --> 00:12:39,326 The meat's falling off the bone! 306 00:12:39,378 --> 00:12:42,629 The bone! All that flavor trapped in the bone. 307 00:12:42,665 --> 00:12:45,098 But what if we cook the bone down to a jelly 308 00:12:45,134 --> 00:12:47,000 and then the jelly down to a broth, 309 00:12:47,002 --> 00:12:48,719 and then the broth down to a reduction?! 310 00:12:48,754 --> 00:12:52,239 You're playing God with pork! Just let us eat! 311 00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:55,409 I knew you guys couldn't handle the pressure of a slow cook. 312 00:12:55,444 --> 00:12:56,643 Luckily, I'm ready. 313 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:58,562 Looks like you boys brought hands 314 00:12:58,597 --> 00:13:00,180 to a crossbow fight. 315 00:13:00,182 --> 00:13:02,065 But I want food now! 316 00:13:02,101 --> 00:13:03,684 Barry, tide yourself over with a -- 317 00:13:03,686 --> 00:13:06,270 Don't you say it, Steve! Don't you dare tell me 318 00:13:06,322 --> 00:13:08,522 to eat another nature's harvest bar! 319 00:13:08,574 --> 00:13:11,608 I can't. My poops. 320 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:15,162 [ Crying ] They're like drywall. 321 00:13:16,615 --> 00:13:18,115 You're asking if I have a photo 322 00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,533 I took at a birthday party 323 00:13:19,535 --> 00:13:21,084 that I went to when I was 7? 324 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,786 We know it's a long shot, Mr. Chandler, 325 00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:24,788 but my wife's life depended on it. 326 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,124 Oh, yeah. I remember her. 327 00:13:27,176 --> 00:13:29,710 I can't make any promises, but I'll go have a look. 328 00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:33,630 How am I supposed to find one picture... 329 00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:37,684 from the thousands and thousands I've taken of her? 330 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,270 Thank God I digitized them all. 331 00:13:40,306 --> 00:13:43,440 Joe Chandler, you perfectly sane genius. 332 00:13:43,475 --> 00:13:44,808 There it is. [ Mouse clicks ] 333 00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:49,062 [ Printer whirring ] 334 00:13:49,114 --> 00:13:51,398 Boop. And one for me. 335 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,267 [ Mouse clicks, printer whirring ] 336 00:13:56,155 --> 00:13:59,740 Mmm. Mmm...Mmm. 337 00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:01,575 Well, looks like we're in luck. 338 00:14:01,627 --> 00:14:02,826 I found the picture. 339 00:14:02,878 --> 00:14:05,412 Oh, that's amazing! Thanks, Joe. 340 00:14:05,414 --> 00:14:07,798 Now, would I be imposing if I asked you 341 00:14:07,833 --> 00:14:09,666 to put a camera in your pee hole? 342 00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:11,084 What? 343 00:14:11,086 --> 00:14:12,302 Boop. 344 00:14:14,173 --> 00:14:17,090 Klaus, look. Look where she's pointing. 345 00:14:17,092 --> 00:14:19,843 Oh, a big man clubbing a baby seal? 346 00:14:19,895 --> 00:14:21,645 That is not fair. 347 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,313 That's it, Klaus! 348 00:14:23,349 --> 00:14:25,766 This is the moment she realized life wasn't fair. 349 00:14:25,818 --> 00:14:27,184 That's her trigger. 350 00:14:27,236 --> 00:14:28,357 Then we need to recreate it. 351 00:14:28,472 --> 00:14:30,604 That will snap her out of the deep trance. 352 00:14:30,656 --> 00:14:32,272 Let's go. 353 00:14:32,274 --> 00:14:35,609 Klaus: That Joe Chandler was a cool dude. 354 00:14:35,661 --> 00:14:37,694 Next time... 355 00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,880 Next time I'll have bullets. 356 00:14:41,176 --> 00:14:42,809 [ Crickets chirping ] 357 00:14:42,844 --> 00:14:45,511 [ Lowered voice ] Jeff, I love the symmetry of this. 358 00:14:45,547 --> 00:14:47,430 Seeing a seal clubbed to death 359 00:14:47,465 --> 00:14:49,549 is what broke happy Hayley the first time, 360 00:14:49,551 --> 00:14:52,518 and doing it again will break her once more. 361 00:14:52,554 --> 00:14:54,887 Klaus, we're not gonna club a seal to death. 362 00:14:54,939 --> 00:14:57,090 You're right. It doesn't have to be a seal. 363 00:14:57,125 --> 00:14:58,858 Just anything innocent. 364 00:14:58,893 --> 00:15:02,862 The important thing is the club...and the death. 365 00:15:02,897 --> 00:15:06,899 No, 'cause that's what turned her into frowny-faced Hayley. 366 00:15:06,951 --> 00:15:09,786 If we can just show her that the world is unfair to animals 367 00:15:09,821 --> 00:15:12,872 without murdering one, then maybe she'll snap out of it, 368 00:15:12,907 --> 00:15:16,042 but keep a little bit of happy Hayley inside. 369 00:15:16,077 --> 00:15:18,177 Oh,sucks. 370 00:15:18,213 --> 00:15:19,912 I thought we were on the same page 371 00:15:19,914 --> 00:15:21,631 the whole drive. 372 00:15:23,718 --> 00:15:25,885 Why are we at the fish zoo? 373 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,637 Oh, just for fun. 374 00:15:27,672 --> 00:15:30,506 Hey, look at the pretty seals! 375 00:15:30,558 --> 00:15:32,091 Wait a minute. 376 00:15:32,093 --> 00:15:34,894 That's an awfully small place for a seal to live. 377 00:15:34,929 --> 00:15:37,814 It's not fair. Right, Klaus? 378 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,182 Oh, yeah. 379 00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:43,102 Look at these poor, sweet, gentle creatures. 380 00:15:43,154 --> 00:15:46,689 The lambs of the sea, stuck their whole lives 381 00:15:46,741 --> 00:15:48,574 in a tiny... 382 00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:50,159 There's one behind me, isn't there? 383 00:15:50,195 --> 00:15:52,111 And is it, like, exactly the opposite 384 00:15:52,113 --> 00:15:53,613 of how I described them? 385 00:15:53,665 --> 00:15:55,832 [ Growls ] Aah! 386 00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:58,701 Klaus! Aah! Help me! 387 00:15:58,753 --> 00:15:59,919 Hold on! 388 00:15:59,954 --> 00:16:02,588 Ohh! [ Panting ] 389 00:16:02,624 --> 00:16:04,791 In your face, seal. You can't get me. 390 00:16:04,843 --> 00:16:06,042 [ Growls ] Aah! 391 00:16:06,094 --> 00:16:08,044 Seals can come on land? 392 00:16:08,096 --> 00:16:10,630 I thought they had to stay in the water like fish! 393 00:16:10,632 --> 00:16:13,182 Oh, no. [ Gasps ] 394 00:16:13,218 --> 00:16:16,936 Evolve, Klaus. [ Gasps ] Evolve like the wind! 395 00:16:16,971 --> 00:16:19,639 [ Grunts ] Ow! Aah! 396 00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:22,108 [ Growls ] Hey! [ Grunts ] 397 00:16:22,143 --> 00:16:26,145 [ Growling ] 398 00:16:26,147 --> 00:16:29,816 [ Barking ] Stay...away...from Klaus! 399 00:16:29,818 --> 00:16:31,868 [ Panting ] 400 00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:34,654 Ooh! You killed it. 401 00:16:34,656 --> 00:16:36,155 I want a mermaid key chain! 402 00:16:36,207 --> 00:16:38,791 Oh, good, she didn't see me kill the seal. 403 00:16:38,827 --> 00:16:39,992 [ Click ] 404 00:16:39,994 --> 00:16:41,828 But we did. 405 00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:43,663 [ Timer dings ] 406 00:16:43,715 --> 00:16:46,549 We did it, friends. We cooked the perfect pork. 407 00:16:46,584 --> 00:16:49,836 Wish you could try it, but you're all dead. 408 00:16:53,758 --> 00:16:57,727 [ Screaming ] 409 00:16:57,762 --> 00:17:01,180 [ Gasps ] Oh, God! 410 00:17:01,232 --> 00:17:03,983 The meaning of the dream is so clear! 411 00:17:04,018 --> 00:17:07,270 I gotta share this pork with my friends immediately! 412 00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:10,940 Oh, come on. Every morning? Didn't you hear me? 413 00:17:10,992 --> 00:17:12,909 There's no time. I need to do the right thing 414 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,527 for my friends. 415 00:17:14,579 --> 00:17:17,697 You should be in that slow cooker, you pig. 416 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:22,602 [ Remote control clicks ] 417 00:17:23,872 --> 00:17:26,005 I know that's hard to watch. 418 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,641 That's why I only showed it to you 10 times. 419 00:17:28,676 --> 00:17:31,210 Jeff Fischer broke into the aquarium 420 00:17:31,212 --> 00:17:34,964 and brutally killed a seal, but not just any seal. 421 00:17:35,016 --> 00:17:36,549 This was harpy... 422 00:17:36,601 --> 00:17:38,217 [ Remote control clicks ] The cutest seal. 423 00:17:38,219 --> 00:17:39,619 Jury: Aw. 424 00:17:39,654 --> 00:17:40,920 I can't hear you! 425 00:17:40,955 --> 00:17:42,638 Jury: [ Louder ] Aw! 426 00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:45,641 The prosecution rests, but not before a quick round 427 00:17:45,693 --> 00:17:48,110 of high five with this awesome jury! 428 00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:51,948 [ Cheers and applause, upbeat theme music playing ] 429 00:17:53,284 --> 00:17:55,067 What's happening, daddy? 430 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:58,621 That man is on trial because he did a bad thing to a seal. 431 00:17:58,656 --> 00:18:01,324 I like seals. I don't like that man. 432 00:18:01,376 --> 00:18:03,626 No one does. [ Gavel bangs ] 433 00:18:03,661 --> 00:18:05,745 So, does the defendant want to waste our time 434 00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:07,213 before the jury finds him guilty? 435 00:18:07,248 --> 00:18:09,632 We'd like to call Dr. penguin to the stand. 436 00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,133 Huh? Who's Dr. penguin? 437 00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:12,718 That'd be me. 438 00:18:12,754 --> 00:18:14,837 I can explain why Jeff did what he did, 439 00:18:14,889 --> 00:18:18,641 or if I may hypnotize the jury, your honor? 440 00:18:18,676 --> 00:18:20,309 Oh, fun! I'll allow it. 441 00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:25,231 Jeff Fischer is not guilty. 442 00:18:25,266 --> 00:18:28,768 Not guilty. With every swing of the watch, 443 00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:32,688 you'll find Jeff a little less guilty. 444 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,358 We find the defendant not guilty. 445 00:18:35,410 --> 00:18:36,943 Okay, cool. 446 00:18:36,995 --> 00:18:38,995 Jeff Fischer, you're free to go. [ Gavel bangs ] 447 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,663 Yes! [ Gallery shouting at once ] 448 00:18:40,698 --> 00:18:42,081 Daddy, what's wrong? 449 00:18:42,116 --> 00:18:44,333 The man who killed the seal is being let go. 450 00:18:44,369 --> 00:18:47,870 What?! But that's not fair! That's not fair. 451 00:18:47,922 --> 00:18:50,206 That's not fair. [ Gruff voice ] That's not fair. 452 00:18:50,258 --> 00:18:51,624 [ Clears throat ] 453 00:18:51,659 --> 00:18:52,892 [ Normal voice ] That's not fair. 454 00:18:52,927 --> 00:18:55,545 Oh. Whoa. Where the hell am I? 455 00:18:55,597 --> 00:18:57,029 Ugh. Hayley's back. 456 00:18:57,065 --> 00:18:59,265 Hayley! I've missed you so much. 457 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,634 Missed me? But where have I been? 458 00:19:01,669 --> 00:19:04,303 The real question is when have you been? 459 00:19:04,355 --> 00:19:06,939 [ Laughter ] 460 00:19:06,975 --> 00:19:09,308 Seriously, guys, I can't account for a lot of time, 461 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,060 and I'm kind of freaking out. 462 00:19:11,112 --> 00:19:13,145 Will someone please explain what's happening? 463 00:19:13,197 --> 00:19:15,865 More like, who's happening, right, guys? 464 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:19,385 [ Laughter ] 465 00:19:19,420 --> 00:19:21,254 [ Crickets chirping ] 466 00:19:21,289 --> 00:19:23,356 Guys, I'm sorry I got carried away 467 00:19:23,391 --> 00:19:25,124 with the slow cooker, 468 00:19:25,159 --> 00:19:27,159 but my pursuit of perfection was not totally in vain, 469 00:19:27,195 --> 00:19:28,828 'cause like the pork, 470 00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:30,997 our friendship has been simmered to perfection. 471 00:19:31,049 --> 00:19:32,665 Let's eat! 472 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,001 Mmm. Mmm. 473 00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:36,252 Divine. 474 00:19:38,806 --> 00:19:41,841 Yet it leaves something behind. 475 00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:43,342 Metallic, maybe? 476 00:19:43,394 --> 00:19:46,679 Furry. Almost moving? 477 00:19:46,731 --> 00:19:49,982 With perhaps maggoty undertones? 478 00:19:50,018 --> 00:19:52,818 [ Siren wailing ] 479 00:19:52,854 --> 00:19:54,186 Who gave you the stupid idea 480 00:19:54,238 --> 00:19:56,989 you could eat 12-day-old pork? 481 00:19:57,025 --> 00:19:58,491 He did! 482 00:20:00,361 --> 00:20:02,278 [ Snorting ] 483 00:20:02,330 --> 00:20:05,781 He's pigs! He's pigs! 484 00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:08,117 [ Grunts ] I gotta restrain this one. 485 00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:10,870 He's on to us. 486 00:20:10,922 --> 00:20:12,872 This isn't an ambulance! 487 00:20:12,874 --> 00:20:15,291 It's a goddamn hambulance! 488 00:20:15,343 --> 00:20:17,209 [ Snorting alarm wailing ] 489 00:20:17,211 --> 00:20:18,878 [ Gasping ] 490 00:20:18,930 --> 00:20:21,047 Pigs. Pigs everywhere. 491 00:20:21,099 --> 00:20:22,782 They're all pigs. 492 00:20:22,817 --> 00:20:24,350 I think Steve ate a lot more than us. 493 00:20:24,385 --> 00:20:25,785 [ Grunting ] 494 00:20:28,189 --> 00:20:30,389 Thanks for looking out for me, Jeff. 495 00:20:30,425 --> 00:20:31,991 I'm glad to be back to my old self, 496 00:20:32,026 --> 00:20:34,493 even if happy Hayley is gone for good. 497 00:20:34,529 --> 00:20:36,959 It's all right, babe. I love you no matter what. 498 00:20:37,079 --> 00:20:40,002 - Hey, you wanna grab a bite before the PETA protest? - Sure. 499 00:20:40,122 --> 00:20:43,489 For some reason, I could go for a scoop of mint chip. 500 00:20:43,609 --> 00:20:47,852 Hey, you're smiling babe. That's one for the scrap book. 501 00:20:51,015 --> 00:20:53,092 I hate this part.