1 00:00:36,044 --> 00:00:37,443 Stan! 2 00:00:37,478 --> 00:00:40,779 You got to clean this goddamn patio! 3 00:00:40,814 --> 00:00:45,017 # A lovely day # 4 00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:47,218 Stan, I need you to sign this permission slip 5 00:00:47,254 --> 00:00:48,987 - for a school trip. - Well, I'm a little busy 6 00:00:49,023 --> 00:00:51,056 getting 20 years of crap off the patio. 7 00:00:51,091 --> 00:00:53,191 Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio? 8 00:00:53,226 --> 00:00:54,926 Oh-ho-ho! Burn! 9 00:00:54,962 --> 00:00:57,062 Tell you what... You sign my permission slip, 10 00:00:57,097 --> 00:00:59,096 and I'll loan you my power washer. 11 00:00:59,132 --> 00:01:00,998 You think it's strong enough to do the job? 12 00:01:01,034 --> 00:01:03,367 Let's just say the Statue of Liberty 13 00:01:03,402 --> 00:01:05,002 uses it to shower... 14 00:01:05,038 --> 00:01:07,171 which she doesn't do often, 'cause she's French. 15 00:01:07,206 --> 00:01:09,206 B-B-B-B-Burn! 16 00:01:09,241 --> 00:01:10,474 You know that's paint thinner. 17 00:01:10,509 --> 00:01:13,177 Yeah, nice try. I'm not going anywhere. 18 00:01:17,248 --> 00:01:20,016 I souped it up with a little alien tech. 19 00:01:20,052 --> 00:01:22,185 By alien, I mean Detroit. 20 00:01:22,220 --> 00:01:24,253 Let's turn this country around. 21 00:01:24,289 --> 00:01:26,890 Let's make things again. 22 00:01:28,526 --> 00:01:30,526 Whoa! 23 00:01:30,562 --> 00:01:32,895 Whoa! Roger! 24 00:01:34,899 --> 00:01:37,066 - Nice, huh? - No, shut it off! 25 00:01:40,571 --> 00:01:43,105 Damn it, Roger! 26 00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:46,175 Not used to holding a tool with that kind of power, Stan? 27 00:01:46,210 --> 00:01:47,342 I'm kidding. 28 00:01:47,377 --> 00:01:48,743 I've seen yours while you were sleeping. 29 00:01:48,778 --> 00:01:50,078 It's great. 30 00:01:50,113 --> 00:01:51,679 - Oh... - Oh... 31 00:01:51,715 --> 00:01:52,947 - my... - my... 32 00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:54,348 - God. - God. 33 00:01:54,383 --> 00:01:57,118 Jinx! Now you can't talk till I say your name, Stan. 34 00:01:57,153 --> 00:01:58,452 Ah, damn it! 35 00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,657 # Good morning, U.S.A. # 36 00:02:03,693 --> 00:02:07,427 # I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day # 37 00:02:07,462 --> 00:02:10,697 # The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # 38 00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:14,935 # And he's shinin' a salute to the American race # 39 00:02:16,872 --> 00:02:20,073 # Oh, boy, it's swell to say # 40 00:02:20,109 --> 00:02:22,342 - # Good... # - # Good morning, U.S.A. # 41 00:02:22,377 --> 00:02:23,709 Aah! 42 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,651 What the hell is that? 43 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:33,986 What's going on?! 44 00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,288 You burning some punk-ass fools? 45 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,958 Do Hayley next. The yard! 46 00:02:40,526 --> 00:02:42,927 Stan was cleaning the patio with my power washer, 47 00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,495 and it kind of got away from him. 48 00:02:44,530 --> 00:02:46,965 Because it has a Trans Am engine strapped to it. 49 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,266 You used to be stronger. 50 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,968 But, look. Stan struck something. 51 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,402 White, dusty oil? 52 00:02:51,437 --> 00:02:52,470 Lawn dandruff? 53 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,172 A third ridiculous guess? 54 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,274 I think I know what this is. 55 00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:03,713 Yep, that's salt. 56 00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:05,282 It's a salt deposit. 57 00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:06,650 Oh, my God! 58 00:03:06,685 --> 00:03:08,152 Did you guys think it was cocaine? 59 00:03:08,187 --> 00:03:10,954 Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. 60 00:03:10,990 --> 00:03:13,157 You got to make that shit, with blood and sweat. 61 00:03:13,192 --> 00:03:14,924 And a little bit of salt. 62 00:03:14,959 --> 00:03:17,293 You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. 63 00:03:17,328 --> 00:03:19,662 So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here. 64 00:03:19,697 --> 00:03:21,397 And a big mess to clean up. 65 00:03:21,432 --> 00:03:23,099 This isn't a mess. 66 00:03:23,134 --> 00:03:24,667 This could be our future. 67 00:03:24,702 --> 00:03:27,136 Is salt valuable? 68 00:03:27,172 --> 00:03:30,539 I don't know. 69 00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:37,197 No way. 70 00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:39,499 Wendy Williams could totally beat up Connie Chung. 71 00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:41,268 Sure, sure, but, I mean, no one was talking 72 00:03:41,303 --> 00:03:43,069 about either of those people before you said that. 73 00:03:43,105 --> 00:03:45,839 I spoke to the Gordon Salt people, 74 00:03:45,874 --> 00:03:48,073 and they said we might have a valuable resource in our yard. 75 00:03:48,109 --> 00:03:51,244 And if we do, they'd like to pay us for the right to take it. 76 00:03:51,279 --> 00:03:52,678 You mean mine it, like minerals? 77 00:03:52,714 --> 00:03:55,248 Ha. If you want to talk like a ground scientist. 78 00:03:55,283 --> 00:03:56,415 - A geologist? - What? 79 00:03:56,451 --> 00:03:57,916 Wait, honey. 80 00:03:57,952 --> 00:04:01,019 You want a functioning salt mine in our backyard? 81 00:04:01,055 --> 00:04:03,689 Well, I sure as heck don't want a non-functioning one. 82 00:04:03,725 --> 00:04:05,657 Stan, it's our yard. 83 00:04:05,692 --> 00:04:07,024 Our sanctuary. 84 00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,059 Our happy place. 85 00:04:08,094 --> 00:04:09,927 We used to have treasure hunts 86 00:04:09,963 --> 00:04:12,363 where you'd write clues for me and hide them around the yard. 87 00:04:12,366 --> 00:04:13,931 I know we're a family, 88 00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:15,500 so we usually pretend everyone gets a vote. 89 00:04:15,535 --> 00:04:18,236 But, come on, guys. It's me. 90 00:04:18,272 --> 00:04:19,912 I'm gonna do what I want. 91 00:04:19,939 --> 00:04:22,205 And I want to see who that is. 92 00:04:23,976 --> 00:04:25,942 Mr. Smith, we're with Gordon Salt. 93 00:04:25,978 --> 00:04:27,678 Wow. You got here quick. 94 00:04:27,713 --> 00:04:32,115 There was a police chase on 95, so we just drafted off that. 95 00:04:39,123 --> 00:04:40,723 Good news, Mr. Smith... 96 00:04:40,759 --> 00:04:43,726 A big shaft here would tap into a significant vein of salt. 97 00:04:43,762 --> 00:04:45,161 Hear that? 98 00:04:45,196 --> 00:04:47,330 I'm gonna have a big veiny shaft. 99 00:04:47,365 --> 00:04:49,666 Are they salt executives or genies? 100 00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:51,467 Oh! 101 00:04:51,503 --> 00:04:53,670 Did I miss a burn? 102 00:04:53,705 --> 00:04:55,237 Please, excuse my family. 103 00:04:55,273 --> 00:04:56,571 They have some concerns 104 00:04:56,607 --> 00:04:58,407 about what exactly is going to happen here. 105 00:04:58,442 --> 00:05:01,276 Let me put you folks at ease. 106 00:05:01,312 --> 00:05:04,245 Mr. Smith here will sign his mineral rights over to us, 107 00:05:04,281 --> 00:05:06,214 and we'll give him a big check. 108 00:05:06,249 --> 00:05:08,350 Then we'll tear up your yard, take all the salt out, 109 00:05:08,385 --> 00:05:10,185 and fill in the hole when we're done... 110 00:05:10,220 --> 00:05:11,252 if there's time... 111 00:05:11,288 --> 00:05:12,886 which there won't be. 112 00:05:12,922 --> 00:05:15,589 As long as there's time to write that big check. 113 00:05:15,625 --> 00:05:17,391 Mom, why are you switching sides? 114 00:05:17,427 --> 00:05:20,928 Because now there's a side that has a big check on it. 115 00:05:20,963 --> 00:05:24,665 And just to be clear, you mean a physically huge check? 116 00:05:24,701 --> 00:05:26,967 I've always wanted to hold one of those. 117 00:05:27,002 --> 00:05:29,236 Feel like I won a golf tournament 118 00:05:29,271 --> 00:05:32,305 or I'm a landlord and one of my tenants is a giant. 119 00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:34,407 If you're looking to buy our mineral rights, 120 00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:39,145 you best be talking to me... Steve, the legal owner. 121 00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:41,914 I also have big news. 122 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,684 One of these guys stepped in dog turd on the way in. 123 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,220 There's size-9 poo spots all over the house. 124 00:05:52,854 --> 00:05:55,740 Here's where I keep all my important documents... 125 00:05:55,776 --> 00:05:57,476 Big Wheel warranty, 126 00:05:57,511 --> 00:06:01,145 construction schematics for my Lego Millennium Falcon, 127 00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:03,280 Barry's do-not-resuscitate order. 128 00:06:03,315 --> 00:06:05,282 Ah! This! 129 00:06:05,317 --> 00:06:08,285 Um, can you get your shoes off my duvet, please? 130 00:06:09,489 --> 00:06:12,289 This is a contract, signed eight years ago, 131 00:06:12,324 --> 00:06:15,593 transferring all mineral rights on our property from Dad to me. 132 00:06:15,628 --> 00:06:17,294 How is that possible? 133 00:06:17,329 --> 00:06:19,295 Oh. I can explain. 134 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,464 Uh-Uh! You think I brought you to my room 135 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,399 so you could do the talking? 136 00:06:23,434 --> 00:06:25,969 "Your scavenger hunt has come to an end. 137 00:06:26,004 --> 00:06:28,505 Your very last clue is on the ladder, my schmend." 138 00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:30,106 "Schmend"? 139 00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:32,308 Wouldn't "friend" have been the perfect rhyme? 140 00:06:32,343 --> 00:06:34,677 You have a lot to learn about schmendship. 141 00:06:36,547 --> 00:06:39,314 Ooh! Treasure! 142 00:06:39,349 --> 00:06:40,749 No, Steve, those aren't the treasure. 143 00:06:40,784 --> 00:06:42,350 They're just the clue holder-downers. 144 00:06:42,386 --> 00:06:43,519 But they're so shiny. 145 00:06:43,554 --> 00:06:44,987 So is Hayley's forehead, 146 00:06:45,022 --> 00:06:46,542 but you wouldn't call that a treasure. 147 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,693 Oh. 148 00:06:51,729 --> 00:06:54,128 "Down the slide and in the ground, 149 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,797 your special treasure you'll have found." 150 00:06:58,401 --> 00:06:59,400 Ha ha! 151 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,504 Treasure! 152 00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:04,739 No, that's just more rocks. 153 00:07:04,774 --> 00:07:05,940 Oh, for God's sake. 154 00:07:05,975 --> 00:07:07,274 That's the treasure. 155 00:07:09,978 --> 00:07:12,278 Baseball cards. 156 00:07:12,313 --> 00:07:13,780 Thanks, Dad. 157 00:07:13,815 --> 00:07:15,348 Well, open 'em. Let's see who you got. 158 00:07:17,553 --> 00:07:19,519 Must be some kind of mistake. 159 00:07:19,555 --> 00:07:20,921 They're all the same card. 160 00:07:20,956 --> 00:07:22,188 No variety. 161 00:07:22,223 --> 00:07:24,357 Not like the rocks. 162 00:07:24,392 --> 00:07:26,992 Oh, my God! 163 00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:29,528 They're all Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie cards. 164 00:07:29,564 --> 00:07:31,196 They must be worth a fortune. 165 00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:34,132 Francine, what have you always wanted to buy? 166 00:07:34,168 --> 00:07:36,368 We keep putting off that procedure on my hip. 167 00:07:36,403 --> 00:07:38,537 Right! A fan boat! 168 00:07:38,573 --> 00:07:40,005 - Mwah! - Um, Dad? 169 00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:41,540 Isn't that my treasure? 170 00:07:41,576 --> 00:07:43,375 Technically, yes. 171 00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:46,510 But wouldn't you rather have all the rocks in the whole yard? 172 00:07:46,546 --> 00:07:48,012 That would be awesome! 173 00:07:48,048 --> 00:07:49,647 But how would I get them all out? 174 00:07:49,683 --> 00:07:52,016 You don't have to. 175 00:07:52,052 --> 00:07:55,152 You see, Steve, owning land can be different 176 00:07:55,188 --> 00:07:58,056 than owning the minerals inside that land. 177 00:07:58,091 --> 00:08:00,224 So now you have the mineral rights. 178 00:08:00,259 --> 00:08:02,392 And all I have are these pieces of cardboard. 179 00:08:02,427 --> 00:08:04,527 Sucker! 180 00:08:04,563 --> 00:08:06,396 Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve. 181 00:08:06,431 --> 00:08:07,998 'Cause after you called me a sucker, 182 00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:09,566 I definitely threw you in the pool, 183 00:08:09,602 --> 00:08:10,762 'cause I don't take that shit. 184 00:08:10,769 --> 00:08:12,335 Nor should you. 185 00:08:12,370 --> 00:08:14,237 But we're really more concerned with the contract. 186 00:08:14,272 --> 00:08:16,372 Please. That can't possibly be legally binding. 187 00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:18,474 I thought you might say that... 188 00:08:18,509 --> 00:08:20,576 which is why I went down to city hall this morning 189 00:08:20,612 --> 00:08:22,244 and got it stamped. 190 00:08:22,279 --> 00:08:24,647 Hmm. Yep, it's official. 191 00:08:24,682 --> 00:08:29,451 And if anyone knows what's "official," it's a fish, y'all! 192 00:08:35,892 --> 00:08:38,693 Look, we're here on business, and you, young man, 193 00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:41,262 are the person we should be doing business with. 194 00:08:41,297 --> 00:08:44,032 So there's still a big check. 195 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:45,466 It's just for Steve... 196 00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:47,802 my favorite boy. 197 00:08:47,838 --> 00:08:49,270 Our favorite boy. 198 00:08:49,305 --> 00:08:50,772 Put 'Er there, son. 199 00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:52,606 - Psych! - Whoo! 200 00:08:52,642 --> 00:08:54,775 No deal, mister. 201 00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:57,210 Eight years ago, my dad tried to rip me off. 202 00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,246 Well, now I'm the one who's gonna do the ripping... 203 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:00,447 and the tearing. 204 00:09:00,482 --> 00:09:01,715 The ripping and the tearing, 205 00:09:01,751 --> 00:09:04,918 right through his plan to destroy our backyard. 206 00:09:04,954 --> 00:09:07,254 - My backyard. - My minerals. 207 00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:09,856 - Listen, Jeremy, is it? - Steve. 208 00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:12,692 I respect the sexual frustration behind your decision. 209 00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:14,527 What?! No, no. That's not why I... 210 00:09:14,562 --> 00:09:15,602 You're obviously a virgin. 211 00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:17,096 That has nothing to do with... 212 00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:18,464 But here's the thing, Jer-bear... 213 00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:22,501 Gordon always gets its salt. 214 00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,644 He's the virgin. 215 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,046 Not even close! 216 00:09:34,081 --> 00:09:35,814 I've had sex with lots of girls. 217 00:09:35,849 --> 00:09:37,482 Name one. 218 00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:46,356 - Hi. - Hey. 219 00:09:46,392 --> 00:09:48,659 - What's that? - It's a Lego Millennium Falcon... 220 00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:51,528 minus a floor panel, which I'm 221 00:09:51,564 --> 00:09:53,698 praying fell behind my trundle bed. 222 00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:55,833 'Cause without it, Han and Chewie are screwed 223 00:09:55,868 --> 00:09:57,534 when they need to hide from Imperial troops. 224 00:09:57,570 --> 00:09:58,703 They'd just be sitting 225 00:09:58,738 --> 00:10:01,504 in a wide-open smuggler's hatch like idiots. 226 00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,674 - You're fun and interesting. - I am?! 227 00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:05,842 Want to go out some time? 228 00:10:05,877 --> 00:10:07,177 Um, sure! 229 00:10:07,212 --> 00:10:08,644 I'm Steve. What's your name? 230 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:09,846 Whatever you want it to be. 231 00:10:09,881 --> 00:10:11,681 Franci... Hold on. 232 00:10:11,717 --> 00:10:13,717 This is all going too easily. 233 00:10:13,752 --> 00:10:16,019 Wait. You look familiar. 234 00:10:16,054 --> 00:10:20,022 Yellow raincoat, box of salt leaking on your shoes... 235 00:10:20,057 --> 00:10:21,724 blue umbrella! 236 00:10:21,759 --> 00:10:23,325 You're the Gordon Salt Girl! 237 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,693 And she can be yours. 238 00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:27,196 All you have to do is sign over the mineral rights. 239 00:10:27,231 --> 00:10:29,198 I already told you... No. 240 00:10:29,233 --> 00:10:33,435 Seriously. She'll do anything you want, or... 241 00:10:33,470 --> 00:10:35,603 I'll do anything you want? 242 00:10:35,638 --> 00:10:37,171 Stop. 243 00:10:37,207 --> 00:10:39,240 You two may be dead inside, but I'm not. 244 00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:41,575 I'm alive... with family memories 245 00:10:41,611 --> 00:10:44,545 of barbecues and trying sports 246 00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:46,848 and sweet, lazy Sunday afternoons. 247 00:10:46,883 --> 00:10:48,382 Mr. Smith! 248 00:10:48,417 --> 00:10:49,650 Sorry. It's just these people are... 249 00:10:49,685 --> 00:10:52,585 Are you playing with Legos in my class? 250 00:10:52,621 --> 00:10:54,821 I'm doing a build, if that's what you're asking. 251 00:10:54,857 --> 00:10:56,223 It's distracting. 252 00:10:56,258 --> 00:10:58,725 So are the two adult strangers in your class. 253 00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:00,160 Nice try, Steve. 254 00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:02,262 But us adults stick together. 255 00:11:06,601 --> 00:11:08,533 Long day. 256 00:11:08,569 --> 00:11:09,601 Yeah. 257 00:11:09,637 --> 00:11:11,436 The Gordon people were all over... 258 00:11:11,472 --> 00:11:12,905 No, I mean I had a long day. 259 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,673 I got hurt on our field trip. 260 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,742 We went to Mount Vernon, so as you'd expect, 261 00:11:16,778 --> 00:11:19,544 I got my arm busted by a bunch of Hells Angels. 262 00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:21,446 - Sign my cast? - Sure. 263 00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:22,815 No, no. Not there, not there. 264 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,449 Right there. 265 00:11:24,485 --> 00:11:26,384 Got to leave room for Zachary and Ella. 266 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,986 I'm gonna have them sign next to each other, 267 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,654 'cause then when I break them up, 268 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,455 Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, 269 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,258 and I'm gonna love it, 270 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,760 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week. 271 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:39,264 - I know this is all made up. - Some of it. 272 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,299 Roger, leave Steve alone. 273 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:44,902 Thanks, Mom, but I already have a chocolate milk martini. 274 00:11:44,937 --> 00:11:46,804 This is a real martini. 275 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,638 It's okay. You're a man now. 276 00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:50,073 A man with mineral rights. 277 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,408 Get drunk! 278 00:11:51,443 --> 00:11:53,110 Then decide what to do with them. 279 00:11:53,145 --> 00:11:54,711 I can't believe it! 280 00:11:54,746 --> 00:11:56,546 You want me to sell out to the salt people! 281 00:11:56,581 --> 00:11:59,215 No! I want you to get drunk. 282 00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,617 I believe that once you get drunk, 283 00:12:01,652 --> 00:12:03,052 you'll sell out to the salt people. 284 00:12:03,087 --> 00:12:05,387 But what about our family memories? 285 00:12:05,423 --> 00:12:08,724 We'll buy new memories... with all that salt money. 286 00:12:08,759 --> 00:12:12,295 And we don't have to share it with your dad. 287 00:12:12,330 --> 00:12:15,731 In fact, we can give him this poison martini. 288 00:12:15,766 --> 00:12:17,065 Piss off, Francine. 289 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,800 I've got too much to live for, 290 00:12:18,836 --> 00:12:21,669 knowing I still have my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards. 291 00:12:21,705 --> 00:12:23,004 Um, actually, you don't. 292 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,073 I put them in the spokes of my bike last year. 293 00:12:25,108 --> 00:12:26,808 But they were locked away in my safe. 294 00:12:26,844 --> 00:12:28,877 Stan, honey, I hate to break this to you, 295 00:12:28,912 --> 00:12:30,478 but I am your safe. 296 00:12:30,513 --> 00:12:31,947 - It's one of my personas. - What?! 297 00:12:31,982 --> 00:12:34,014 I'm also the downstairs toilet. 298 00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:35,449 My cards! 299 00:12:35,484 --> 00:12:36,783 Made me feel boss 300 00:12:36,819 --> 00:12:38,953 when I was riding down the street, flossin'! 301 00:12:38,988 --> 00:12:40,054 You ruined them. 302 00:12:40,089 --> 00:12:42,223 Those were my cards! Mine! 303 00:12:42,258 --> 00:12:44,658 I hate this place! 304 00:12:50,332 --> 00:12:53,566 So, we've had some difficulty getting your son to play ball. 305 00:12:53,601 --> 00:12:55,368 That's because he can't play ball very well, 306 00:12:55,403 --> 00:12:56,836 so he gets self-conscious about it. 307 00:12:56,872 --> 00:12:59,038 You just need to start playing like it's no big deal, 308 00:12:59,074 --> 00:13:00,340 and eventually, he'll join in. 309 00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:01,607 Charles. 310 00:13:03,245 --> 00:13:04,710 You're a big meanie. 311 00:13:04,746 --> 00:13:07,479 My God, are you the man of your house, or aren't you? 312 00:13:07,514 --> 00:13:10,048 Because a man wouldn't let a boy's contract 313 00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:11,783 stop him from making this deal. 314 00:13:11,818 --> 00:13:13,118 But it's signed. 315 00:13:13,153 --> 00:13:14,519 And stamped. 316 00:13:14,554 --> 00:13:16,821 - You heard the fish. - Oh. 317 00:13:16,857 --> 00:13:20,259 I didn't want to come to this. I really didn't. 318 00:13:22,329 --> 00:13:25,963 What the hell is that?! 319 00:13:25,999 --> 00:13:28,866 This, Mr. Smith, is the original Gordon Salt Girl, 320 00:13:28,902 --> 00:13:30,534 preserved by salt... 321 00:13:30,569 --> 00:13:33,570 and angered by delays. 322 00:13:34,774 --> 00:13:41,111 Get me that salt! 323 00:13:45,317 --> 00:13:47,217 What are you doing?! 324 00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,821 I believe the legal term is take-backs. 325 00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:58,394 Destroying a young boy's signed contract... 326 00:13:58,429 --> 00:13:59,929 truly low, sir. 327 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,664 And exactly the kind of thing I knew you'd do... 328 00:14:02,699 --> 00:14:04,033 which is why... 329 00:14:04,068 --> 00:14:08,703 I moved the real contract to Snot's for safekeeping. 330 00:14:08,739 --> 00:14:10,105 Well played, son. 331 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,908 You anticipated my move and had the foresight 332 00:14:12,944 --> 00:14:15,910 to stash the contract at a secure off-site location. 333 00:14:15,946 --> 00:14:18,579 Which begs the question, why did you bring it home? 334 00:14:18,614 --> 00:14:20,081 Well, I went to check on it, 335 00:14:20,116 --> 00:14:21,916 and contrary to what I'd been assured, 336 00:14:21,952 --> 00:14:24,752 Snot did not have a proper file cabinet. 337 00:14:24,787 --> 00:14:26,287 Where was it? Like, on his desk or something? 338 00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:28,289 Yeah, with... Other crap all over the place. 339 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:30,024 Yes. And it's not like something 340 00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,859 was for sure going to happen to it. 341 00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:33,427 - It's just... - There's a right way to do things. 342 00:14:33,462 --> 00:14:34,928 - Exactly. - Totally get it. 343 00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:39,866 Hey, Steve, did you know 344 00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,002 there's a Lego piece behind your dresser? 345 00:14:42,037 --> 00:14:43,803 Looks like the door to a smuggler's hatch. 346 00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,638 All right, Dad! 347 00:14:45,674 --> 00:14:48,875 As soon as this salt war is over, I'll thank you properly! 348 00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,732 Dad's trying to destroy the contract 349 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,234 so he can sell out to Gordon. 350 00:15:01,270 --> 00:15:02,969 - Uh-huh. - You got to help me. 351 00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:04,837 - Do I? - Of course you do. 352 00:15:04,873 --> 00:15:07,007 You don't want a salt mine in our yard. 353 00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:09,442 What about our memories and the environment? 354 00:15:09,477 --> 00:15:11,811 Hmm. I do love those things. 355 00:15:11,846 --> 00:15:15,214 I also love the idea that if there's a salt mine in the yard, 356 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,125 I can protest it without getting out of bed. 357 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,650 Hayley, no! 358 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:21,320 Basically, this is the lazy protester's dream. 359 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:24,523 So, why don't you just give me the contract? 360 00:15:30,164 --> 00:15:32,496 Ugh. Are you gonna make me get out of bed? 361 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:45,709 Aah! 362 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,912 Mama? Wh... What's with the nails? 363 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,346 They're white... 364 00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:51,081 like salt, Steve. 365 00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,084 I came up with it when I realized salt 366 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,954 is the only white thing in the world! 367 00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:58,956 Mom, that's not even close to true. 368 00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:01,591 Let's you and me make it true! 369 00:16:01,626 --> 00:16:04,027 Nowhere to run, son. 370 00:16:04,063 --> 00:16:05,627 Or walk. 371 00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:08,364 I think we can all do this with just walking. 372 00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:12,969 - Come on, Steve. - Let's go, Steve. 373 00:16:13,004 --> 00:16:14,036 Give it up, Steve. 374 00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,072 What am I doing? 375 00:16:16,107 --> 00:16:18,507 Why am I fighting for our family memories 376 00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,509 if my family won't fight with me? 377 00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:23,111 I'm with you, Steve! 378 00:16:23,146 --> 00:16:24,879 I'm totally alone in this. 379 00:16:28,051 --> 00:16:30,285 You know what? You guys win. 380 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,089 If our memories are meaningless, then so is this piece of paper. 381 00:16:34,124 --> 00:16:35,790 I renounce it. 382 00:16:39,428 --> 00:16:41,928 "Down the slide and in the ground, 383 00:16:41,964 --> 00:16:44,965 your special treasure you'll have found." 384 00:16:45,001 --> 00:16:46,800 I remember that slide. 385 00:16:46,835 --> 00:16:48,469 When I climbed to the top of it, 386 00:16:48,504 --> 00:16:50,804 it felt like I was climbing into the sky. 387 00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:53,140 You had a big scary slide like this, too? 388 00:16:53,175 --> 00:16:56,009 Not your slide, Steve. My slide. 389 00:16:56,044 --> 00:16:59,178 My dad wrote these clues for me when I was a kid. 390 00:16:59,214 --> 00:17:02,015 He'd hide them all over the yard, and I'd look for them. 391 00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:04,917 And when I was done, I'd wake him up, if I could find him. 392 00:17:04,952 --> 00:17:07,387 Wait, you just recycled your dad's game? 393 00:17:07,422 --> 00:17:09,788 I haven't thought about that in years. 394 00:17:09,824 --> 00:17:12,258 - What a great memory. - Not for me. 395 00:17:12,293 --> 00:17:14,959 It means all my treasure hunts were just hand-me-downs. 396 00:17:14,995 --> 00:17:16,461 From my awesome father. 397 00:17:16,497 --> 00:17:18,397 What?! He abandoned you! 398 00:17:18,432 --> 00:17:19,898 That man's a sociopath! 399 00:17:19,933 --> 00:17:21,900 Quiet, Steve. I'm getting an idea. 400 00:17:21,935 --> 00:17:23,101 Is it that family memories 401 00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,736 are precious and should be protected? 402 00:17:24,771 --> 00:17:26,038 Uh, duh! 403 00:17:26,073 --> 00:17:27,605 But, also... try to follow me... 404 00:17:27,641 --> 00:17:30,841 maybe we shouldn't let the Gordon people mine our yard. 405 00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:32,510 I've been saying that for a week! 406 00:17:32,545 --> 00:17:35,012 Hope on the bandwagon, Steve. There's plenty of room. 407 00:17:35,048 --> 00:17:36,347 Now, I'm gonna call them and... 408 00:17:40,286 --> 00:17:42,786 Wait! We've changed our minds! 409 00:17:42,821 --> 00:17:44,355 This isn't just a patch of dirt. 410 00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:46,257 It's a canvas on which we've painted 411 00:17:46,292 --> 00:17:48,658 some of the most wonderful moments of our lives. 412 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,326 That's beautiful, Mr. Smith. 413 00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:52,995 I believe that I could never buy the mineral rights 414 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,997 from you or your son. 415 00:17:55,033 --> 00:17:55,998 Great. 416 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,167 So... 417 00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,468 about my fence? 418 00:17:58,503 --> 00:18:01,837 Which is why I bought them from their actual owner. 419 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,106 Actual owner?! Whoa! 420 00:18:04,141 --> 00:18:06,975 Who will it be, "American Dad!" fans? 421 00:18:07,010 --> 00:18:09,144 Steve's teacher? Ken Griffey Jr.? 422 00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:10,660 The Gordon exec who hasn't spoken yet? 423 00:18:10,681 --> 00:18:12,147 Is it Snot, Barry, or Toshi, 424 00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:14,015 who've all been conspicuously absent? 425 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,584 Is it me, the announcer?! 426 00:18:15,619 --> 00:18:17,352 Oh, I look like Dracula, by the way. 427 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,987 Is it Principal Lewis? 428 00:18:19,022 --> 00:18:21,022 Is it Francine's sexy sister, Gwen? 429 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,991 Is it Diane from an upcoming episode about slot cars? 430 00:18:24,026 --> 00:18:26,660 Suckboy Tony? James Garfield? Robert Wuhl? 431 00:18:26,696 --> 00:18:29,464 Tuttle, Buckle, Jackson, Duper, Hooper, Dick, or Bullock? 432 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:32,200 Styles, Billy, Jack, Meredith, Tom from the grocery store? 433 00:18:32,235 --> 00:18:35,470 That sweet little boy from "The Cleveland Show," Rallo? 434 00:18:35,505 --> 00:18:36,704 It's me! 435 00:18:36,739 --> 00:18:38,405 You're probably realizing now, Stan, 436 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,408 that permission slip you signed was a mineral-rights lease. 437 00:18:41,443 --> 00:18:43,876 But when it turned out Steve was the real owner, 438 00:18:43,912 --> 00:18:47,280 I broke my arm and plastered another lease around my cast. 439 00:18:47,316 --> 00:18:50,117 Sorry, kid, but you were throwing away one hell of a score. 440 00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:51,751 All right, people! Let's dig! 441 00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:59,125 What? What?! There's no vein?! 442 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,060 We paid all that money for just one scoop?! 443 00:19:02,096 --> 00:19:03,462 Sir, there's been a report 444 00:19:03,498 --> 00:19:05,030 of a gusher in Madison, Wisconsin. 445 00:19:05,065 --> 00:19:06,398 Great. That's where I'm from. 446 00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:07,699 We can stay with my mom. 447 00:19:07,735 --> 00:19:10,136 She's got a bumper pool table. 448 00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:18,876 And that, my friends, is what we call the long con. 449 00:19:18,911 --> 00:19:20,245 What are you talking about? 450 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:21,879 I planted that salt. 451 00:19:21,914 --> 00:19:24,115 I set up this whole thing. 452 00:19:24,151 --> 00:19:25,617 It was a sting, baby. 453 00:19:25,652 --> 00:19:28,520 Oh, I've wanted to screw Gordon Salt for years. 454 00:19:28,555 --> 00:19:30,053 What on earth for? 455 00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:32,122 Well, you know how my Rabbi Itzhak character 456 00:19:32,158 --> 00:19:33,690 likes to keep kosher? 457 00:19:33,725 --> 00:19:37,461 A few years ago, the rebbe conducted a surprise inspection 458 00:19:37,496 --> 00:19:39,596 of a Gordon facility in Arizona 459 00:19:39,632 --> 00:19:43,600 to confirm that their so-called kosher salt was, indeed, kosher. 460 00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:46,802 I'm not embarrassed to say I wept and cried for mercy 461 00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,338 as I was soundly beaten by the girl behind the front desk. 462 00:19:49,374 --> 00:19:51,240 But I vowed revenge. 463 00:19:51,276 --> 00:19:54,410 So I bought a 40-pound bag of salt and buried it in the yard, 464 00:19:54,445 --> 00:19:56,812 bought the power washer and slapped a Hemi on it, 465 00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,582 and I waited for 3 1/2 years 466 00:19:59,617 --> 00:20:01,784 for Stan to finally clean the patio. 467 00:20:01,819 --> 00:20:03,518 The rest was a breeze. 468 00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:05,820 Why didn't you just let us in on the con? 469 00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,789 I mean, you saw how it was tearing us apart. 470 00:20:07,824 --> 00:20:10,358 I couldn't trust you to be cool when the stakes were so high. 471 00:20:10,394 --> 00:20:11,693 How much did you make? 472 00:20:11,728 --> 00:20:14,462 Let's see. After my salt purchase, backhoe rental, 473 00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:16,198 power washer, reconditioned V-8 engine, 474 00:20:16,233 --> 00:20:18,166 hospital bills, notary for the mineral lease, 475 00:20:18,202 --> 00:20:21,868 plus the staff retreat in Park City, I cleared 40 bucks. 476 00:20:21,904 --> 00:20:23,404 That's nothing. 477 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,073 No. That's enough for a bag of charcoal. 478 00:20:33,115 --> 00:20:36,483 I am going to remember this day for a long time, honey. 479 00:20:36,519 --> 00:20:38,351 Me too. It's perfect. 480 00:20:38,386 --> 00:20:40,486 Almost. It could use a little more... 481 00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:41,821 salt. 482 00:20:45,126 --> 00:20:46,259 That's pretty good, Roger. 483 00:20:46,294 --> 00:20:48,728 Why don't you toss me those tongs? 484 00:20:55,336 --> 00:20:56,635 It's pepper. 485 00:20:58,439 --> 00:21:00,639 Nope, it's sewage. 486 00:21:00,674 --> 00:21:02,374 It's Steve's.