1
00:00:03,333 --> 00:00:04,936
- Hello?
- Hey, babe.

2
00:00:04,968 --> 00:00:06,203
How's the dog-walking gig going?

3
00:00:06,237 --> 00:00:06,939
Oh, great, babe.

4
00:00:07,021 --> 00:00:09,891
I got Muffin here and
Delores, Clancy, Gizmo,

5
00:00:09,925 --> 00:00:11,926
and, of course, Cody.

6
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,595
Little guy.

7
00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:15,096
Jeff, it's your first day,

8
00:00:15,130 --> 00:00:16,932
and you remembered every dog's name?

9
00:00:16,964 --> 00:00:18,733
Oh, I don't know if
that's their real names.

10
00:00:18,766 --> 00:00:20,234
It's just what I've been calling them.

11
00:00:20,268 --> 00:00:22,271
Wow, Jeff, you're really getting good

12
00:00:22,304 --> 00:00:24,273
at making up names.

13
00:00:25,339 --> 00:00:28,609
Um, Jeff, I think someone might be here.

14
00:00:28,643 --> 00:00:30,912
Oh, my God. I totally forgot.

15
00:00:30,946 --> 00:00:32,580
It's happening!

16
00:00:32,614 --> 00:00:34,449
Jeff, listen carefully.

17
00:00:34,483 --> 00:00:36,651
I'm going to get taken.

18
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,821
He's here.

19
00:00:39,855 --> 00:00:41,522
I don't think he sees...

20
00:00:43,058 --> 00:00:44,994
There you are, Hayley.

21
00:00:45,026 --> 00:00:47,328
Fooled again by my decoy legs.

22
00:00:47,361 --> 00:00:49,464
Let's go. It's President's Day!

23
00:00:49,498 --> 00:00:51,867
Thanks, boys.

24
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:53,736
The rest of the day's yours.

25
00:00:58,540 --> 00:01:00,976
# Good morning, U.S.A. #

26
00:01:01,009 --> 00:01:04,947
# I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

27
00:01:04,979 --> 00:01:07,982
# The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

28
00:01:08,015 --> 00:01:12,321
# And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race #

29
00:01:14,221 --> 00:01:17,525
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

30
00:01:17,559 --> 00:01:19,828
- # Good... #
- # Good morning, U.S.A. #

31
00:01:19,860 --> 00:01:21,096
Aah!

32
00:01:22,497 --> 00:01:25,768
<i># Good morning, U.S.A. #</i>

33
00:01:28,369 --> 00:01:30,371
In just 5 1/2 hours,

34
00:01:30,405 --> 00:01:33,007
we'll be at the historic
home of our 20th president,

35
00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:34,810
James Garfield.

36
00:01:34,843 --> 00:01:36,245
Before you ask, James Garfield

37
00:01:36,277 --> 00:01:38,714
is in no way related to Garfield the Cat.

38
00:01:38,747 --> 00:01:40,215
I know. I'm as surprised as you are.

39
00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:43,851
But, Dad, I was gonna
go see "Step Up 6" today.

40
00:01:43,884 --> 00:01:45,853
Ironically, of course.

41
00:01:45,887 --> 00:01:48,524
Although I do love the
dancing and the characters.

42
00:01:48,557 --> 00:01:50,992
But it's so lame.

43
00:01:51,025 --> 00:01:52,760
The stories are pretty awesome, too.

44
00:01:52,794 --> 00:01:55,164
Well, history's full of awesome stories.

45
00:01:55,197 --> 00:01:56,531
That's why every President's Day,

46
00:01:56,565 --> 00:01:58,266
we visit a presidential museum.

47
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:00,836
- You've always loved it.
- You make me go.

48
00:02:00,869 --> 00:02:02,837
You used to put me on a leash.

49
00:02:26,828 --> 00:02:28,896
Hayley, as a husband and father,

50
00:02:28,930 --> 00:02:31,633
there are only a few things
more important to me than family.

51
00:02:31,666 --> 00:02:35,137
The first is American history,
followed by God, bald eagles,

52
00:02:35,169 --> 00:02:36,405
and all sports.

53
00:02:36,437 --> 00:02:38,473
- Go Bazooka Sharks!
- 'Zooka Sharks!

54
00:02:38,507 --> 00:02:40,309
You need to know history,

55
00:02:40,341 --> 00:02:42,276
especially now that you're old
enough to vote for president.

56
00:02:44,746 --> 00:02:46,882
Oh, my God, you're gonna
choose the president!

57
00:02:46,914 --> 00:02:48,650
Listen carefully, Hayley.

58
00:02:48,682 --> 00:02:50,452
I'll tell you who I'm voting
for so you can vote for him, too.

59
00:02:50,484 --> 00:02:52,821
Don't you mean her?

60
00:02:57,524 --> 00:02:58,959
Kids, you're all here for one reason.

61
00:02:58,993 --> 00:03:00,961
You signed up for the school newspaper

62
00:03:02,042 --> 00:03:04,111
so you wouldn't have to
do a sport this semester.

63
00:03:03,843 --> 00:03:05,478
I got hurt last time.

64
00:03:05,511 --> 00:03:08,481
Well, you ran your
fastest, and you fell down.

65
00:03:08,515 --> 00:03:10,651
That would hurt anybody.

66
00:03:10,683 --> 00:03:13,086
Here are your assignments.
O'Brien, debate team.

67
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,224
Westbrook, student council.
Smith, football practice.

68
00:03:16,257 --> 00:03:19,259
Uh, sir, I was actually hoping
to cover the cheerleaders.

69
00:03:19,293 --> 00:03:22,163
I heard whoever reports on the
cheerleaders gets their pick

70
00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:23,698
of the bottom row of the pyramid.

71
00:03:23,730 --> 00:03:25,098
It's true, Smith.

72
00:03:25,132 --> 00:03:26,600
The cheerleader beat guarantees

73
00:03:26,634 --> 00:03:29,604
dating a thick bottom-row beauty.

74
00:03:29,636 --> 00:03:31,705
But there's no way I'm assigning a rookie

75
00:03:31,738 --> 00:03:33,174
to report on the cheerleaders.

76
00:03:33,206 --> 00:03:34,908
But I don't know anything about football.

77
00:03:34,942 --> 00:03:36,444
Just write what you see.

78
00:03:38,045 --> 00:03:40,781
So, you're a reporter now.

79
00:03:40,813 --> 00:03:42,716
- Roger?
- Don't call me Roger.

80
00:03:42,749 --> 00:03:45,285
- Call me Deep Throat.
- What are you doing?

81
00:03:45,319 --> 00:03:47,722
Every reporter needs a Deep Throat, sonny.

82
00:03:47,754 --> 00:03:49,055
And I know things.

83
00:03:49,088 --> 00:03:51,057
I've seen things around this school.

84
00:03:51,091 --> 00:03:54,695
I have a story for you
that'll turn you into a legend.

85
00:03:54,728 --> 00:03:57,031
I don't need a Deep Throat, Roger.

86
00:03:57,063 --> 00:03:59,633
I bought the jacket, Steve. I'm doing this.

87
00:04:02,236 --> 00:04:03,704
In this room, we have many

88
00:04:03,736 --> 00:04:06,306
of President Garfield's favorite things,

89
00:04:06,339 --> 00:04:09,110
but before you ask, we
don't have any lasagna.

90
00:04:09,142 --> 00:04:12,545
I made a joke like that earlier.

91
00:04:12,579 --> 00:04:15,982
Look, Hayley, there's James
Garfield's personal teapot.

92
00:04:16,016 --> 00:04:18,552
And his cooking pot. And his chamber pot!

93
00:04:18,584 --> 00:04:19,954
It's all one pot!

94
00:04:19,987 --> 00:04:21,989
- Isn't that fascinating?
- It's gross.

95
00:04:22,021 --> 00:04:24,891
That's life in the 18-sizzles.

96
00:04:24,925 --> 00:04:28,396
Now, here's a portrait
of President Garfield.

97
00:04:28,429 --> 00:04:31,299
I know what you're
thinking. He's very handsome.

98
00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:35,002
If I weren't already married,
I'd let this fella court me.

99
00:04:36,336 --> 00:04:39,105
But I am married. Happily so.

100
00:04:39,139 --> 00:04:40,675
To a doctor lawyer.

101
00:04:40,708 --> 00:04:42,076
Who's that?

102
00:04:42,108 --> 00:04:43,843
That's Charles Guiteau, the psychopath

103
00:04:43,877 --> 00:04:45,913
who tracked President
Garfield down like a bloodhound

104
00:04:45,946 --> 00:04:47,415
and assassinated him.

105
00:04:47,447 --> 00:04:48,915
Guiteau was so crazy,

106
00:04:48,949 --> 00:04:51,651
he kept all his toenail clippings in a jar.

107
00:04:51,684 --> 00:04:54,122
Here, you can have one.

108
00:04:56,490 --> 00:04:58,626
This stuff is gross and boring.

109
00:04:58,658 --> 00:05:01,127
Oh, really? I want you
to look me in the eye

110
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,632
and tell me this shoe box of
dusty beard combs is boring.

111
00:05:05,999 --> 00:05:07,468
No, no! No, no!

112
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,302
Don't you dare disrespect
President Garfield

113
00:05:09,336 --> 00:05:11,038
by yawning in his library.

114
00:05:11,071 --> 00:05:13,641
Look what you're doing!

115
00:05:13,673 --> 00:05:16,309
You're patient zero of this yawn outbreak!

116
00:05:18,545 --> 00:05:20,681
Oh, God! I'm infected!

117
00:05:20,713 --> 00:05:22,449
I'm going out on my own terms!

118
00:05:24,418 --> 00:05:27,888
I did it. I hurt myself.

119
00:05:31,891 --> 00:05:34,160
Oh, do you mind if I eat my lunch here?

120
00:05:34,194 --> 00:05:37,164
My husband makes me a
tuna-fish sandwich every day,

121
00:05:37,196 --> 00:05:38,798
and I usually take it out to my car

122
00:05:38,831 --> 00:05:40,533
since the tuna's very fragrant.

123
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:43,170
You don't have a husband.

124
00:05:46,906 --> 00:05:49,543
Oh, man, look at Stephanie over there.

125
00:05:49,576 --> 00:05:52,813
I am all about that bass.

126
00:05:52,845 --> 00:05:54,215
Peter's so lucky.

127
00:05:54,247 --> 00:05:55,815
No! Focus!

128
00:05:55,848 --> 00:05:57,684
Put all this energy into your reporting.

129
00:05:57,718 --> 00:05:59,052
Just write what I see.

130
00:05:59,086 --> 00:06:00,420
Okay.

131
00:06:00,454 --> 00:06:02,156
What do I...

132
00:06:02,189 --> 00:06:06,093
W-What was that thing?!

133
00:06:08,629 --> 00:06:12,366
Oh, Hayley, I can't believe
you missed "Step Up 6."

134
00:06:12,398 --> 00:06:14,567
It was totes on fleek, bruh!

135
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,237
At one point, Jenna was like,

136
00:06:16,269 --> 00:06:18,538
"Shawty don't play that
way," and Brittney was like,

137
00:06:18,571 --> 00:06:20,673
"Youse ain't nothin'
but a skim-toast honey."

138
00:06:20,706 --> 00:06:23,377
Really? I'm so bummed I missed it.

139
00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:26,112
Ugh, I wasted the whole
day at the Garfield museum.

140
00:06:26,146 --> 00:06:27,515
I got a hat.

141
00:06:27,547 --> 00:06:30,016
Hayley, I know you think history is boring,

142
00:06:30,050 --> 00:06:32,853
but I found someone I
bet can change your mind.

143
00:06:32,886 --> 00:06:35,356
James Garfield!

144
00:06:35,389 --> 00:06:37,525
Greetings.

145
00:06:37,557 --> 00:06:40,127
Take a load off, Garfy. I'm Klaus.

146
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,563
I'm a bit of a favorite around here.

147
00:06:47,562 --> 00:06:49,331
So, who's this?

148
00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:52,233
I am James Abram Garfield,

149
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,903
20th President and Commander in Chief

150
00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:57,238
of the 38 United States.

151
00:06:57,272 --> 00:07:00,207
Oh. Are you one of Stan's friends?

152
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,777
Do you really expect us to
believe that's James Garfield?

153
00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:04,546
Well, yes.

154
00:07:04,579 --> 00:07:07,416
I took President Garfield's
beard comb from the museum,

155
00:07:07,449 --> 00:07:09,451
extracted DNA from one of the hairs,

156
00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:11,553
then used the new C.I.A. re-genesis lab

157
00:07:11,586 --> 00:07:15,090
to "Jurassic Park" him back to life.

158
00:07:15,123 --> 00:07:18,093
But "Jurassic Park" wasn't
real. It was a movie.

159
00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:22,229
Sounds like somebody's been
to Trinidad but not Tobego.

160
00:07:22,262 --> 00:07:24,465
W-Why would you do this?

161
00:07:24,498 --> 00:07:26,534
Because you need to learn about history.

162
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:27,803
And who's a better teacher

163
00:07:27,836 --> 00:07:29,805
than someone who is living history?

164
00:07:29,837 --> 00:07:31,639
How did you get the old-fashioned clothes?

165
00:07:31,673 --> 00:07:34,409
Easy. I dug up his grave and
put him in his funeral suit.

166
00:07:34,442 --> 00:07:36,311
- What?!
- I'm kidding, Hayley.

167
00:07:36,344 --> 00:07:37,646
I had Garfield do it.

168
00:07:37,678 --> 00:07:41,449
There were thousands of worms in me!

169
00:07:46,021 --> 00:07:49,791
"At the snap, Jones busted
through the tight end,

170
00:07:49,824 --> 00:07:51,627
squirting into the backfield

171
00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:55,496
and wrapping up the muscular
quarterback from behind,

172
00:07:55,529 --> 00:07:59,333
pounding him hard deep into the ground

173
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,004
before he could get it off.

174
00:08:02,036 --> 00:08:04,406
Another tough sack."

175
00:08:04,438 --> 00:08:07,341
Now, that is how you
cover football practice.

176
00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:09,845
I can't wait to see what you
do with your next assignment.

177
00:08:09,877 --> 00:08:11,145
Great work, Smith.

178
00:08:11,178 --> 00:08:12,780
I just wrote what I saw.

179
00:08:12,813 --> 00:08:15,082
Well, it's the most
sensual piece of writing

180
00:08:15,115 --> 00:08:16,651
I've ever come across.

181
00:08:16,685 --> 00:08:20,756
<i>And I've come across
a lot of sensual writing.</i>

182
00:08:20,788 --> 00:08:22,591
Eh?

183
00:08:22,623 --> 00:08:25,827
You forget a lot, right,
that you're our principal?

184
00:08:27,394 --> 00:08:29,798
Hey there. Hey, hey.

185
00:08:29,831 --> 00:08:31,366
Hey!

186
00:08:31,399 --> 00:08:33,535
- You want the scoop?
- Not really.

187
00:08:33,568 --> 00:08:36,171
You've got a big story
right in front of you, Steve.

188
00:08:36,204 --> 00:08:39,174
You just have to figure
it out for yourself.

189
00:08:40,241 --> 00:08:42,611
I'm afraid I can't say any more.

190
00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:45,214
You'll hear from me when the time is right.

191
00:08:47,549 --> 00:08:49,217
I was supposed to get on that bus,

192
00:08:49,249 --> 00:08:51,219
but there was a lady
with a chicken on there.

193
00:08:51,252 --> 00:08:53,221
What is this, like,
Guatemala? What the hell?

194
00:08:53,253 --> 00:08:55,289
Leave your bird at home, lady.

195
00:08:55,323 --> 00:08:57,826
I can't really hear what you're saying!

196
00:09:00,395 --> 00:09:02,631
Ah, the United States Treasury.

197
00:09:02,664 --> 00:09:04,966
There is so much history in this building.

198
00:09:04,998 --> 00:09:07,668
Alexander Hamilton established
the national bank here.

199
00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:10,805
The song # Money, money, money, money #

200
00:09:10,839 --> 00:09:12,074
# Money #

201
00:09:12,107 --> 00:09:13,341
was written here.

202
00:09:13,373 --> 00:09:15,509
Both events of equal importance.

203
00:09:15,542 --> 00:09:17,578
- Are you taking notes, Hayley?
- Yeah, no.

204
00:09:17,612 --> 00:09:19,581
You see why you're
here, President Garfield?

205
00:09:19,613 --> 00:09:23,017
Why don't you tell her about your
famous bimetal monetary system.

206
00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:24,685
It was one of your great passions.

207
00:09:24,719 --> 00:09:26,921
Only after women and billiards.

208
00:09:28,623 --> 00:09:31,727
There's the kind of half-joke
that inspired the comic strip.

209
00:09:31,759 --> 00:09:33,394
Look! There's a penny press!

210
00:09:33,427 --> 00:09:36,330
Good heavens! The pictures are moving!

211
00:09:36,363 --> 00:09:37,699
That's a movie.

212
00:09:37,732 --> 00:09:39,501
It's where tweens go to get fingered.

213
00:09:39,533 --> 00:09:41,869
It's beautiful.

214
00:09:41,902 --> 00:09:44,672
Yeah. Wish we could go
to a movie right now.

215
00:09:44,705 --> 00:09:47,209
- Well, why don't we go?
- Really?

216
00:09:47,242 --> 00:09:50,112
I assume it's better than
listening to this muckamuck.

217
00:09:50,145 --> 00:09:52,914
So, as a Mint worker, you must get chicks.

218
00:09:52,946 --> 00:09:54,749
- No.
- That's incredible to me.

219
00:09:54,782 --> 00:09:56,283
And you tell them you're a Mint worker?

220
00:09:56,316 --> 00:09:57,752
Of course.

221
00:09:57,786 --> 00:09:59,621
They must be noticing your face like I am.

222
00:09:59,653 --> 00:10:02,757
Let's sneak away in that
terrifying horseless carriage

223
00:10:02,791 --> 00:10:04,459
- we came in.
- Let's do it.

224
00:10:04,492 --> 00:10:05,761
There's the exit.

225
00:10:08,162 --> 00:10:11,866
Dear girl, you can read?!

226
00:10:14,401 --> 00:10:16,470
Sit down, you skim-toast honey.

227
00:10:16,503 --> 00:10:18,572
You can't hang with the bang-bang boogies.

228
00:10:18,605 --> 00:10:20,207
Oh, no, you can't, chicken head!

229
00:10:20,241 --> 00:10:21,910
Nice try, chicken head!

230
00:10:21,943 --> 00:10:25,781
This... is... incredible!

231
00:10:25,814 --> 00:10:27,815
Oh, orange soda? Yeah.

232
00:10:27,848 --> 00:10:32,454
This magical beverage
is called orange soda?

233
00:10:32,487 --> 00:10:35,957
Stop! Stop the devil
dancing and hop-hop music!

234
00:10:35,989 --> 00:10:38,425
My fellow citizens,

235
00:10:38,459 --> 00:10:43,298
I present to you an innovation
of magnificent import!

236
00:10:43,330 --> 00:10:46,467
It is called orange soda!

237
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:49,171
Not since the invention of the telegraph

238
00:10:49,204 --> 00:10:52,741
has this country
encountered such ingenuity.

239
00:10:52,773 --> 00:10:55,109
Is it a fruit, or is it drink?!

240
00:10:55,142 --> 00:10:57,646
- It's drink!
- No matter the answer,

241
00:10:57,679 --> 00:10:59,180
this artificial orange

242
00:10:59,214 --> 00:11:02,818
has bested the orange
provided us by nature.

243
00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:05,452
This concoction I hold in my hand

244
00:11:05,486 --> 00:11:07,422
indicates the exact moment

245
00:11:07,454 --> 00:11:11,091
where man has triumphed over God!

246
00:11:11,124 --> 00:11:15,696
I hereby declare today Orange Soda Day!

247
00:11:15,729 --> 00:11:18,699
Nice speech, chicken head!

248
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,703
That was really beautiful.

249
00:11:21,736 --> 00:11:23,538
I gave a very similar speech

250
00:11:23,570 --> 00:11:26,941
when water went from brown to clear.

251
00:11:32,412 --> 00:11:36,550
"The students arrive
with bulging purple veins,

252
00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:39,021
eager for release."

253
00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:45,560
"They study the supple curves of a parabola

254
00:11:45,593 --> 00:11:49,631
to find where the latus rectum is."

255
00:11:49,664 --> 00:11:52,199
"During practice, they
touch their counterparts

256
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,236
lightly in the chest

257
00:11:54,268 --> 00:11:56,871
with only the tip."

258
00:11:56,905 --> 00:12:01,643
"The boys pump sweet jelly
into the little triangle,

259
00:12:01,675 --> 00:12:05,079
careful not to overfill its delicate folds.

260
00:12:05,113 --> 00:12:09,351
Now the hamantaschen
is ready for Passover."

261
00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:14,222
"Cum laude."

262
00:12:14,254 --> 00:12:19,360
Cum real laude.

263
00:12:19,393 --> 00:12:22,730
Um... is detention over?

264
00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:24,531
It's been an hour.

265
00:12:24,565 --> 00:12:26,434
Fine, get back to class.

266
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:28,670
But no more pointing out
errors in the textbooks.

267
00:12:28,703 --> 00:12:31,940
You'll remember the
Alambo, and you'll like it.

268
00:12:36,076 --> 00:12:37,278
Shh.

269
00:12:37,311 --> 00:12:39,013
As long as we don't wake up my dad,

270
00:12:39,046 --> 00:12:41,215
he'll totally forget we
ditched him in the morning.

271
00:12:41,248 --> 00:12:43,084
Okay. I'll lie down,

272
00:12:43,117 --> 00:12:45,620
but I don't foresee sleep in my future.

273
00:12:45,652 --> 00:12:49,056
Feels like there's a
possum dancing on my heart.

274
00:12:49,089 --> 00:12:51,425
It's just your body

275
00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:54,829
frantically trying to
process 18 orange sodas.

276
00:12:58,498 --> 00:13:00,134
Where have you two been?

277
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:01,635
- Nowhere.
- Everywhere!

278
00:13:01,669 --> 00:13:04,372
We saw "Step Up 6," we drank orange soda,

279
00:13:04,405 --> 00:13:06,608
we rode a subterranean boxcar!

280
00:13:06,641 --> 00:13:08,376
Shut up... Mr. President.

281
00:13:08,408 --> 00:13:10,244
Dad, we had a good time.

282
00:13:10,277 --> 00:13:11,946
I saw a Polynesian!

283
00:13:11,979 --> 00:13:14,581
No! No, no, no! This is unacceptable!

284
00:13:14,614 --> 00:13:16,283
The only reason I brought you to life

285
00:13:16,316 --> 00:13:18,820
was to teach Hayley
history, but you're useless!

286
00:13:18,853 --> 00:13:20,622
Don't yell at him, Dad.

287
00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:22,290
I-I don't know how to get
this through your head,

288
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:24,292
but I don't care about history.

289
00:13:24,324 --> 00:13:25,926
And in case you're wondering,

290
00:13:25,959 --> 00:13:27,394
this is the first President's Day

291
00:13:27,427 --> 00:13:29,129
I have ever enjoyed.

292
00:13:29,162 --> 00:13:31,632
You know, in fact, I would
rather spend any day with him

293
00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:34,102
than with you.

294
00:13:34,134 --> 00:13:36,670
As we used to say in the 1800s,

295
00:13:36,704 --> 00:13:39,974
awkward.

296
00:13:45,512 --> 00:13:48,449
<i>Circulation is up, and the
Princeton Review just named us</i>

297
00:13:48,483 --> 00:13:51,018
"Horniest school in the
Greater Langley Area."

298
00:13:51,051 --> 00:13:53,320
Smith, the cheerleaders are yours.

299
00:13:53,353 --> 00:13:55,089
Finally!

300
00:13:55,123 --> 00:13:56,623
Now, if you'll excuse me,

301
00:13:56,656 --> 00:13:58,325
I've been so consumed with
my duties here at the paper

302
00:13:58,358 --> 00:14:00,661
that I've completely
forgotten to feed the janitors.

303
00:14:15,243 --> 00:14:16,844
Hey, have you seen Garfield?

304
00:14:16,877 --> 00:14:19,881
Oh, your dad's friend?
They went to the C.I.A.

305
00:14:19,914 --> 00:14:21,516
Stan said something like

306
00:14:21,549 --> 00:14:23,818
"I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."

307
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:25,686
- What?!
- Yeah.

308
00:14:25,719 --> 00:14:28,455
And then he said "Are you
even listening to me, Francine?

309
00:14:28,488 --> 00:14:32,459
I'm worried about us. I feel
like we've been drifting apart."

310
00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:36,830
I'm getting better at his voice, right?

311
00:14:36,863 --> 00:14:39,567
The key is really listening.

312
00:14:44,992 --> 00:14:48,062
Stan, what is all this about?

313
00:14:48,094 --> 00:14:49,697
Why are you being such a muckamuck?

314
00:14:49,728 --> 00:14:51,830
<i>If you're not gonna teach history,</i>

315
00:14:51,863 --> 00:14:54,300
<i>you're gonna be history.</i>

316
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:56,403
May I at least have one
final sip of orange soda?

317
00:14:56,435 --> 00:14:58,670
Fine.

318
00:14:58,704 --> 00:14:59,973
Aah!

319
00:15:01,239 --> 00:15:03,842
I shook them in the car earlier!

320
00:15:07,412 --> 00:15:09,548
That was from an hour ago.

321
00:15:09,582 --> 00:15:11,518
Didn't even stop when I yelled, "Stop."

322
00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:13,585
It's like when I'm trying to watch Fallon

323
00:15:13,618 --> 00:15:15,654
and my wife won't stop banging me.

324
00:15:15,688 --> 00:15:17,857
Garfield doesn't deserve to be killed.

325
00:15:17,890 --> 00:15:19,592
God, we were just having fun.

326
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:21,394
I need to find him before my dad does.

327
00:15:21,426 --> 00:15:24,029
Good luck tracking that
guy down. He's clever.

328
00:15:24,063 --> 00:15:25,698
He threw up a ton of orange stuff

329
00:15:25,731 --> 00:15:28,034
and then slipped right
out of his straight jacket.

330
00:15:28,066 --> 00:15:31,770
There was someone who
tracked Garfield down.

331
00:15:31,804 --> 00:15:33,173
Like a bloodhound.

332
00:15:33,205 --> 00:15:35,274
And I have his toenail!

333
00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:42,848
Has anyone seen a man with a beard?

334
00:15:42,882 --> 00:15:44,117
Whoa.

335
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:46,718
It's cool to have a beard now.

336
00:15:46,752 --> 00:15:48,054
God, where could he be?

337
00:15:48,087 --> 00:15:50,590
I got an orange chai latte here.

338
00:15:50,622 --> 00:15:51,858
Orange.

339
00:15:51,891 --> 00:15:53,459
Wait a minute, everyone shut up!

340
00:15:53,492 --> 00:15:54,893
Orange.

341
00:15:54,926 --> 00:15:57,563
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

342
00:15:57,597 --> 00:16:00,300
He's at the banana soda factory!

343
00:16:00,333 --> 00:16:02,035
That closed years ago.

344
00:16:02,068 --> 00:16:03,403
That's right.

345
00:16:03,435 --> 00:16:05,204
Okay, now I need complete silence,

346
00:16:05,237 --> 00:16:07,007
and I'm not kidding anymore.

347
00:16:08,641 --> 00:16:11,211
You have an idea, don't
you? It's okay, just say it.

348
00:16:11,243 --> 00:16:13,045
- Orange soda fac...
- Orange soda factory!

349
00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:14,647
Shut up! I did it.

350
00:16:19,518 --> 00:16:22,821
Okay, Mr. Guiteau. I know
you're a presidential assassin,

351
00:16:22,854 --> 00:16:24,790
and from what I read on Murderpedia,

352
00:16:24,824 --> 00:16:26,492
you're probably legally insane.

353
00:16:26,526 --> 00:16:29,829
I've not seen such bright lights
since I came out the cervix!

354
00:16:29,862 --> 00:16:32,432
But I really need you to
help me find my friend...

355
00:16:32,464 --> 00:16:33,733
James Garfield.

356
00:16:33,766 --> 00:16:35,001
Garfield?

357
00:16:35,034 --> 00:16:36,503
He must see the devil's eye!

358
00:16:42,641 --> 00:16:45,410
All right, you horn dogs. Gather round.

359
00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:47,447
And let's hear what the Shakespeare

360
00:16:47,479 --> 00:16:49,449
of soft-core student journalism

361
00:16:49,482 --> 00:16:52,252
has to say about the cheerleaders.

362
00:16:52,285 --> 00:16:54,853
All right, all right, all right! Yeah!

363
00:16:54,886 --> 00:16:56,823
"The cheerleading squad took their talents

364
00:16:56,856 --> 00:17:00,360
to the South Lakes
Invitational on Friday night.

365
00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:02,427
They arrived in their warm-ups,

366
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:04,830
although they already looked pretty hot."

367
00:17:04,864 --> 00:17:07,300
Clean up on aisle my stomach!

368
00:17:07,332 --> 00:17:09,868
"As they peeled off their sweatpants,

369
00:17:09,902 --> 00:17:11,337
the tournament happened,

370
00:17:11,369 --> 00:17:13,173
and it's my understanding
they came in third."

371
00:17:13,205 --> 00:17:15,340
What?! That's not sexy.

372
00:17:15,374 --> 00:17:17,110
This thing isn't even al dente.

373
00:17:17,143 --> 00:17:18,478
I don't know what happened!

374
00:17:18,511 --> 00:17:21,013
I saw one high leg kick, and I passed out!

375
00:17:21,047 --> 00:17:23,016
- Boo!
- Smith's a tease!

376
00:17:28,053 --> 00:17:29,321
Steve.

377
00:17:30,322 --> 00:17:32,791
Did you paint a shadow on your face?

378
00:17:32,825 --> 00:17:34,861
I was dressed up in blackface earlier.

379
00:17:34,894 --> 00:17:36,796
You're not the only
one with stuff going on.

380
00:17:36,829 --> 00:17:39,031
Looks like you finally
figured out the story.

381
00:17:39,065 --> 00:17:41,301
No, I didn't. I have no
idea what's happening.

382
00:17:41,334 --> 00:17:43,403
<i>You were the story, Steve.</i>

383
00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:46,071
You used all your
pent-up sexual frustration

384
00:17:46,105 --> 00:17:48,074
to turn out the most elegant pornography

385
00:17:48,107 --> 00:17:49,876
this school has ever seen.

386
00:17:49,908 --> 00:17:51,810
But when you finally saw a little skin,

387
00:17:51,844 --> 00:17:53,580
it was too much for
you, and you experienced

388
00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:57,217
what medical experts refer
to as an "ejacu-faint."

389
00:17:57,250 --> 00:18:00,053
That's when 100% of your
blood is in your wiener.

390
00:18:00,086 --> 00:18:01,386
You're lucky to be alive, Steve.

391
00:18:01,419 --> 00:18:03,255
- And that's the real headline.
- Nope.

392
00:18:03,289 --> 00:18:05,592
The real headline is you're fired.

393
00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:07,359
Looks like you're the second
worst reporter out there

394
00:18:07,393 --> 00:18:09,062
named Stephen A. Smith.

395
00:18:17,636 --> 00:18:20,740
Ahh.

396
00:18:20,772 --> 00:18:23,175
Garfield! I'm taking you back to the lab.

397
00:18:23,209 --> 00:18:25,411
Are you off your chump, sir?

398
00:18:25,444 --> 00:18:28,748
I just tapped this 20-ton
cylinder of orange soda.

399
00:18:28,781 --> 00:18:30,883
- My president!
- Aah!

400
00:18:30,915 --> 00:18:34,220
I must give you an eternal earth bath!

401
00:18:34,252 --> 00:18:36,388
Hayley, what are you doing
here? Let go of that man.

402
00:18:36,422 --> 00:18:38,358
But, Dad, it's Charles Guiteau.

403
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:40,292
If I let him go, he'll kill Garfield.

404
00:18:40,326 --> 00:18:42,462
You remembered Charles Guiteau?

405
00:18:42,494 --> 00:18:44,530
I guess I did learn
something about history.

406
00:18:44,562 --> 00:18:47,032
I'm taking you to the lordy!

407
00:18:47,066 --> 00:18:49,135
Aah!

408
00:18:50,569 --> 00:18:52,638
- Aah!
- Hayley, no!

409
00:19:41,654 --> 00:19:43,656
# So I put my hands up #

410
00:19:43,688 --> 00:19:45,290
# They're playin' my song #

411
00:19:45,323 --> 00:19:47,993
# The butterflies fly away #

412
00:19:48,027 --> 00:19:50,830
# I'm noddin' my head like yeah #

413
00:19:50,863 --> 00:19:52,932
Baby girl! You're okay!

414
00:19:52,964 --> 00:19:54,666
I think my arm is broken in sev...

415
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,369
I was wrong.

416
00:19:56,402 --> 00:19:58,771
These President's Day trips
were never about history.

417
00:19:58,803 --> 00:20:00,540
They were about spending time with you,

418
00:20:00,572 --> 00:20:02,441
driving all over the map.

419
00:20:02,474 --> 00:20:05,778
I'm embarrassed to say this,
but I care more about you

420
00:20:05,810 --> 00:20:09,115
than the presidents.

421
00:20:09,147 --> 00:20:11,684
So, any chance we can let Garfield live?

422
00:20:11,716 --> 00:20:14,286
Why not? Besides, at the rate
he's drinking orange soda,

423
00:20:14,319 --> 00:20:15,788
he'll be dead in a month.

424
00:20:20,059 --> 00:20:23,061
# So I put my hands up,
they're playin' my song #

425
00:20:23,095 --> 00:20:25,698
# The butterflies fly away #

426
00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:27,666
# I'm noddin' my head like yeah #

427
00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:30,370
- # Movin' my hips like yeah #
- It's so fizzy!

428
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:31,671
# I put my hands up #

429
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:35,875
"Step Up 6" just came out,

430
00:20:35,907 --> 00:20:37,577
and there's already a "Step Up 7."

431
00:20:37,609 --> 00:20:39,311
- Isn't that great?
- Do I need to know anything

432
00:20:39,345 --> 00:20:41,012
from the first six to get what's happening?

433
00:20:41,046 --> 00:20:43,349
Oh, you turnt it up, young swag.

434
00:20:43,381 --> 00:20:45,183
You got to mupload that ish.

435
00:20:45,216 --> 00:20:46,852
Well, I think I'm caught up.

436
00:20:46,886 --> 00:20:49,588
Did you hear that old man
talkin' 'bout bein' on fleek?

437
00:20:49,621 --> 00:20:51,022
That's so last year.

438
00:20:51,056 --> 00:20:53,059
Get with the times, muckamuck.