1
00:00:01,494 --> 00:00:02,895
And now "On the Lighter Side,"

2
00:00:02,982 --> 00:00:04,882
a teenage boy was found guilty
of murdering his own father...

3
00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:08,058
"On the Lighter Side"? Who
the hell's writing this?!

4
00:00:08,093 --> 00:00:09,358
I just get the coffee.

5
00:00:09,394 --> 00:00:11,962
I don't have one of those, either!

6
00:00:11,997 --> 00:00:14,797
Ashton Carlyle, the so-called
prep-school killer,

7
00:00:14,832 --> 00:00:16,699
can be seen reacting to the verdict

8
00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:19,434
in these dramatic images from
our new courtroom artist,

9
00:00:19,470 --> 00:00:21,269
cartoonist Cathy Guisewite.

10
00:00:23,641 --> 00:00:28,176
Bet that poor boy's father
didn't spend any time with him.

11
00:00:28,212 --> 00:00:30,245
I hope they fry him.

12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,247
My God, I haven't spent any
time with Steve lately.

13
00:00:33,282 --> 00:00:34,548
Well, I'm sure he's fine.

14
00:00:36,486 --> 00:00:38,853
What the hell kind of smile was that?!

15
00:00:38,888 --> 00:00:41,155
My God, he's a ticking time bomb!

16
00:00:41,190 --> 00:00:43,290
If I don't spend some time with
the boy, there's no telling

17
00:00:43,326 --> 00:00:46,661
what twisted, gruesome fate
I'll meet at his savage hands!

18
00:00:50,499 --> 00:00:51,999
That's it! We're hanging out.

19
00:00:52,034 --> 00:00:53,834
If you're gonna kill
anyone in this family,

20
00:00:53,869 --> 00:00:55,636
- it's gonna be only Francine.
- What?

21
00:00:55,671 --> 00:00:57,904
Don't talk back to your father.

22
00:01:20,194 --> 00:01:22,460
Just try to put the
ball through the hoop.

23
00:01:22,495 --> 00:01:23,928
No sweat.

24
00:01:23,964 --> 00:01:27,231
My peers don't call me
Swishy for nothing.

25
00:01:29,435 --> 00:01:30,368
Wha!

26
00:01:30,403 --> 00:01:32,037
This is hopeless.

27
00:01:32,072 --> 00:01:33,705
How can we bond if there's nothing

28
00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:36,374
Steve's good at that we can bond over?

29
00:01:36,409 --> 00:01:39,276
I'm going inside. Just put
the ball away, please.

30
00:01:48,087 --> 00:01:49,887
That's it!

31
00:01:49,922 --> 00:01:53,490
I can teach Steve the basics
of electrical engineering!

32
00:01:53,525 --> 00:01:55,692
Oh, that's stupid.

33
00:01:59,230 --> 00:02:00,262
Bowling!

34
00:02:00,383 --> 00:02:02,683
Synced and corrected by MasterCookie
- www.addic7ed.com -

35
00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:37,598
I found my ball. I call
her Whisper Willow.

36
00:02:37,633 --> 00:02:39,100
Okay...

37
00:02:39,135 --> 00:02:41,568
Now, a good roll is all
about the release.

38
00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:43,370
The release, of course.

39
00:02:43,405 --> 00:02:45,873
You can't hold on to the ball.

40
00:02:45,908 --> 00:02:48,608
A bowler's ultimate goal
is to roll a strike,

41
00:02:48,643 --> 00:02:50,543
because you get a
hilarious little movie

42
00:02:50,578 --> 00:02:52,345
starring bowling-pin men!

43
00:02:57,853 --> 00:02:59,652
- Whoa!
- Cool beans!

44
00:03:12,466 --> 00:03:14,699
Damn, son, you're a natural!

45
00:03:14,735 --> 00:03:16,568
Here, I found us some nachos.

46
00:03:16,603 --> 00:03:18,036
Mmm!

47
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:20,572
I love the way the filth
from the finger holes

48
00:03:20,607 --> 00:03:22,306
mixes with the synthetic cheese.

49
00:03:22,341 --> 00:03:24,441
Mmm, mmm, mmm!

50
00:03:24,477 --> 00:03:26,310
And blasting all those pins

51
00:03:26,345 --> 00:03:28,279
must have made you thirsty, too.

52
00:03:28,314 --> 00:03:29,814
What? Are you... really?

53
00:03:29,849 --> 00:03:31,249
Nothing wrong with a father

54
00:03:31,284 --> 00:03:33,818
sharing a cold one with his boy.

55
00:03:35,922 --> 00:03:38,989
These darn glasses seem
to be all fogged up.

56
00:03:39,024 --> 00:03:41,624
'Cause I'm not seeing a thing.

57
00:03:43,862 --> 00:03:45,295
Hanging out with you

58
00:03:45,330 --> 00:03:47,363
has been the most
awesome time ever, Dad.

59
00:03:47,399 --> 00:03:49,332
You know, I actually feel the same way.

60
00:03:49,367 --> 00:03:51,001
Like... like, I'm not faking it

61
00:03:51,036 --> 00:03:53,003
and... and your mom's
not making me say it.

62
00:03:53,038 --> 00:03:55,637
Would... would it be
weird if I did this?

63
00:03:56,674 --> 00:03:58,340
Are... Are we...

64
00:03:58,375 --> 00:03:59,675
Are we doing this?

65
00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:01,743
I think... I think we are.

66
00:04:01,779 --> 00:04:02,978
We're hugging!

67
00:04:05,783 --> 00:04:07,416
Well...

68
00:04:07,451 --> 00:04:10,986
I better get my gosh-darn
prescription checked...

69
00:04:11,022 --> 00:04:13,855
'cause I'm not seeing anything here.

70
00:04:22,990 --> 00:04:24,664
And not only am I molding Steve

71
00:04:24,818 --> 00:04:27,285
into the best bowler
this side of Chimdale,

72
00:04:27,321 --> 00:04:30,855
he came up with, um, just
about the funniest joke names

73
00:04:30,891 --> 00:04:32,891
for the scoreboard I've
ever heard in my life.

74
00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:34,693
Isn't that right, Mr. Butt?!

75
00:04:34,729 --> 00:04:37,163
Sure is, Dr. Balls!

76
00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:41,699
Oh, mmm!

77
00:04:41,735 --> 00:04:45,270
Do you have to hug after
every stupid thing you say?

78
00:04:45,305 --> 00:04:48,072
And there's a big father-son
tournament tomorrow night.

79
00:04:48,108 --> 00:04:49,874
We're pretty much a lock to win.

80
00:04:49,909 --> 00:04:51,243
You guys should all come.

81
00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:53,245
- Ha.
- Roger, think you can make it?

82
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,779
Yeah, of course, you kidding me?

83
00:04:54,814 --> 00:04:56,447
- I wouldn't miss it.
- That's great.

84
00:04:56,482 --> 00:04:58,516
And to the victory party
after the tournament?

85
00:04:58,551 --> 00:05:00,584
Tournament? First I'm hearing of it.

86
00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:03,053
Oh, my God, Roger, you
have no attention span.

87
00:05:03,088 --> 00:05:04,488
How dare you!

88
00:05:05,525 --> 00:05:06,723
Leave it!

89
00:05:06,759 --> 00:05:09,160
Bald-ass alien piece of shit.

90
00:05:09,195 --> 00:05:11,328
You're the one with no
attention span, Hayley!

91
00:05:11,364 --> 00:05:12,663
I'll settle this!

92
00:05:12,698 --> 00:05:14,631
Now, here goes the fish.

93
00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:16,466
I propose a contest...

94
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:19,902
that will settle which of you
has the worst attention span.

95
00:05:19,937 --> 00:05:22,838
And the contest is...

96
00:05:22,874 --> 00:05:24,207
T...

97
00:05:24,242 --> 00:05:25,775
B...

98
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:27,977
D.

99
00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:35,551
Let's hear it for Steve
and Stan Smith, folks...

100
00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,919
winners of this year's
father-son tournament.

101
00:05:37,954 --> 00:05:41,756
Schmueley, second place is
still pretty great, champ.

102
00:05:41,792 --> 00:05:43,758
Hey, that's not that kid's dad!

103
00:05:43,794 --> 00:05:46,562
He's just a caring and
supportive friend of the family!

104
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:48,896
They're onto us!

105
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:51,065
You did it, son!

106
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,733
We did it, Dad.

107
00:05:52,768 --> 00:05:56,404
Hardly. You carried your
father like cheap luggage.

108
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:57,838
How cheap we talking?

109
00:05:57,873 --> 00:05:59,840
- Nautica.
- I'll kill you!

110
00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:02,042
Mr. Smith, your boy has a gift.

111
00:06:02,078 --> 00:06:04,111
But you've taken him as far as you can.

112
00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:05,778
With my coaching expertise,

113
00:06:05,814 --> 00:06:08,215
I can turn him into the next Sid Bunch.

114
00:06:09,284 --> 00:06:10,883
Sid Bunch?

115
00:06:10,919 --> 00:06:12,686
The most famous bowler of all time.

116
00:06:12,721 --> 00:06:14,754
He made the cover of
"Sports Illustrated."

117
00:06:16,758 --> 00:06:18,091
- Wow!
- Wow!

118
00:06:18,126 --> 00:06:19,892
But I don't know.

119
00:06:19,928 --> 00:06:21,860
Bowling is really more just a fun thing

120
00:06:21,895 --> 00:06:23,262
me and my dad do together.

121
00:06:23,297 --> 00:06:25,264
Yeah, I'm... I'm not so sure, either.

122
00:06:25,299 --> 00:06:27,633
I understand. There's
nothing more beautiful

123
00:06:27,668 --> 00:06:30,035
than a father's love for his son.

124
00:06:33,307 --> 00:06:35,674
So I guess... this is goodbye.

125
00:06:35,710 --> 00:06:37,142
Except bowling greatness!

126
00:06:37,177 --> 00:06:39,477
And we can get him there... together.

127
00:06:39,512 --> 00:06:42,513
Team Steve. What do you say?

128
00:06:42,549 --> 00:06:44,982
I guess I wouldn't
want to hold you back.

129
00:06:45,017 --> 00:06:48,119
And I'd end up being a-a
really great bowler.

130
00:06:48,153 --> 00:06:50,354
And we'd still be together.

131
00:06:50,390 --> 00:06:52,022
Right.

132
00:06:52,058 --> 00:06:54,091
- So...
- So let's do it!

133
00:06:54,127 --> 00:06:55,959
Wait, how do I know you're
a good bowling coach?

134
00:06:55,994 --> 00:06:58,629
Would a bad bowling coach have...
this?!

135
00:06:58,664 --> 00:07:00,664
Would you accept a blank check?

136
00:07:03,135 --> 00:07:04,735
I got it!

137
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:07,337
The perfect test of your
attention-paying abilities.

138
00:07:07,373 --> 00:07:10,274
Hey, ding-a-ling, pay
attention, if you can.

139
00:07:10,309 --> 00:07:12,075
The winner will be whoever makes it

140
00:07:12,110 --> 00:07:14,410
furthest through this...

141
00:07:14,445 --> 00:07:18,414
the 86-hour PBS series,
"Ken Burns' Bicycles,"

142
00:07:18,449 --> 00:07:21,417
a documentary so
unwieldy and meandering,

143
00:07:21,452 --> 00:07:24,420
Burns himself has disavowed it.

144
00:07:24,455 --> 00:07:26,989
I found it in a Goodwill...

145
00:07:27,024 --> 00:07:29,758
in between an old Teddy
Ruxpin and a baby coffin.

146
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:33,194
Heads up, you are not gonna
find a better Goodwill.

147
00:07:35,832 --> 00:07:38,733
All the power of your roll
comes from your ankle.

148
00:07:38,769 --> 00:07:40,568
Now, I want you to shut
everything else out

149
00:07:40,604 --> 00:07:43,438
and focus intensely on your ankle.

150
00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,078
Should I roll the ball now?

151
00:07:52,114 --> 00:07:53,580
You already have.

152
00:07:57,052 --> 00:07:59,353
Very good. Now, roll again.

153
00:07:59,388 --> 00:08:01,188
- Mind that release, son!
- Whoop!

154
00:08:03,225 --> 00:08:07,360
Nooooo!

155
00:08:09,731 --> 00:08:12,031
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid that from now on,

156
00:08:12,066 --> 00:08:13,733
these will be closed practices.

157
00:08:13,768 --> 00:08:15,201
You... you must be joking!

158
00:08:15,236 --> 00:08:16,502
I assure you, Mr. Smith,

159
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,204
had I been making an attempt at humor,

160
00:08:18,239 --> 00:08:20,239
I would have said, "Boom shaka-laka."

161
00:08:20,274 --> 00:08:23,241
But I just ordered a soft pretzel.

162
00:08:23,276 --> 00:08:25,310
Can I please wait for that, at least?

163
00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:28,046
Sure... outside.

164
00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:29,948
Boom shaka-laka.

165
00:08:37,756 --> 00:08:38,456
Alright, son.

166
00:08:38,550 --> 00:08:39,953
Now, remember what I taught you.

167
00:08:40,024 --> 00:08:40,990
You got it, Dad!

168
00:08:41,025 --> 00:08:42,658
Want some help rolling the ball?

169
00:08:42,693 --> 00:08:43,826
Sure do!

170
00:08:46,030 --> 00:08:47,929
Aah!

171
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:51,032
It's just not the same
as bowling with Steve.

172
00:08:51,068 --> 00:08:52,367
Oh, honey.

173
00:08:52,402 --> 00:08:54,102
Just 'cause you're not coaching Steve

174
00:08:54,137 --> 00:08:56,104
doesn't mean you can't be with him.

175
00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:57,272
You can support him.

176
00:08:57,307 --> 00:08:58,506
Support him?

177
00:08:58,541 --> 00:09:01,709
Yes, I can cheer him on, like a fan.

178
00:09:01,745 --> 00:09:03,944
His number-one fan!

179
00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:05,246
Oh, yeah!

180
00:09:05,281 --> 00:09:06,446
If you'll excuse me,

181
00:09:06,482 --> 00:09:08,415
I've got a bowling match to get to.

182
00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:10,284
Wait... match, contest?

183
00:09:10,319 --> 00:09:11,485
Never mind.

184
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,954
You just worry about that sink.

185
00:09:15,624 --> 00:09:16,924
You walk off, you lose.

186
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:18,792
You doze off, you lose.

187
00:09:18,827 --> 00:09:22,128
The minute I push play,
it's Burns, baby, Burns!

188
00:09:22,163 --> 00:09:23,296
Scared?

189
00:09:23,331 --> 00:09:25,164
Sure you don't want to pull out?

190
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,368
News flash, bong brain,
I never pull out!

191
00:09:28,403 --> 00:09:29,835
Boom shaka-laka! Ha ha.

192
00:09:29,871 --> 00:09:31,537
Now let's watch this garbage.

193
00:09:33,308 --> 00:09:38,043
"Woe be to the lost art
of perambulation...

194
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:42,180
where those cherished
cobblestone thoroughfares

195
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:45,150
where once we did walk,

196
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:52,190
now do we pump, pedal, and
thus, truly, we fly."

197
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:55,326
Walt Whitman.

198
00:09:55,361 --> 00:10:01,432
Oh, shi-i-i-i-i-i-t.

199
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,171
Yeah-ha-ah! Attaboy, Steve!

200
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:09,073
Look how excited my dad is.

201
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,275
I mean, I miss playing with him,

202
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,910
but he obviously wants
me to be the best.

203
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,445
Look how excited Steve is.

204
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,314
I mean, I miss playing with him,

205
00:10:17,349 --> 00:10:19,416
but he obviously wants to be the best.

206
00:10:19,451 --> 00:10:21,384
You gotta support your kids, right?

207
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,153
Even though every time you cheer,

208
00:10:23,188 --> 00:10:25,655
it's like they're drifting a
little farther away from you.

209
00:10:25,690 --> 00:10:26,622
So true.

210
00:10:26,658 --> 00:10:28,224
You a bowling parent, too?

211
00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:29,591
Oh, no! I'm a pervert.

212
00:10:29,626 --> 00:10:31,593
Yep, just here for the eye candy.

213
00:10:31,628 --> 00:10:33,963
So which boy is yours?

214
00:10:33,998 --> 00:10:35,730
Uh, the hot one, duh!

215
00:10:38,336 --> 00:10:40,235
Yay-hey-hey!

216
00:10:40,271 --> 00:10:41,236
Whoo!

217
00:10:41,272 --> 00:10:44,340
Yeah!

218
00:10:44,375 --> 00:10:46,674
They should call my boy the Lumberjack

219
00:10:46,709 --> 00:10:49,177
the way he's chopping
down all that wood.

220
00:10:49,212 --> 00:10:50,711
Or Working Girl,

221
00:10:50,746 --> 00:10:54,282
the way he works those
balls so nice and sweet.

222
00:10:54,317 --> 00:10:56,884
You know what? Let's
stick with lumberjack.

223
00:11:27,415 --> 00:11:30,649
Timber!

224
00:11:30,684 --> 00:11:32,118
What's wrong with Steve?

225
00:11:32,153 --> 00:11:33,486
He looks bummed.

226
00:11:33,521 --> 00:11:35,521
Maybe I'm not bringing it hard enough.

227
00:11:35,556 --> 00:11:37,622
Come on, let's get it going for Steve!

228
00:11:37,657 --> 00:11:39,324
I say, "Lumber," you say, "Jack!"

229
00:11:39,359 --> 00:11:40,958
Lumber!

230
00:11:40,994 --> 00:11:43,495
Look, we just want to
support our own kids, okay?

231
00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:44,996
That's it, it's gorilla time!

232
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:49,667
I'm an innocent man!

233
00:11:52,205 --> 00:11:56,606
Adolphus Schwinn next
took his invention

234
00:11:56,642 --> 00:12:01,611
on tour to Quincy, Illinois;
Newport, Kentucky;

235
00:12:01,647 --> 00:12:06,150
Wheeling, West Virginia;
Utica, New York;

236
00:12:06,185 --> 00:12:11,687
Dorchester, Massachusetts; back
through Newport, Kentucky,

237
00:12:11,722 --> 00:12:14,957
then on to Portsmouth, New Hampshire;

238
00:12:14,992 --> 00:12:18,727
and, finally, Allegheny, Pennsylvania.

239
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:23,332
But it was another discovery
in New Albany, Indiana,

240
00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:28,236
that was about to change
the bicycle forever.

241
00:12:28,272 --> 00:12:31,773
Now, you can't talk about bicycles

242
00:12:31,808 --> 00:12:34,276
without talking about rubber.

243
00:12:34,311 --> 00:12:37,112
And talk about rubber, we shall,

244
00:12:37,147 --> 00:12:41,950
in the next 6-hour installment
of "Ken Burns' Bicycles."

245
00:12:41,985 --> 00:12:43,518
Wow.

246
00:12:44,654 --> 00:12:45,686
Tape change!

247
00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:52,059
Welcome to the NBL Junior Invitational!

248
00:12:52,095 --> 00:12:54,228
The excitement is palpable here.

249
00:12:54,263 --> 00:12:56,230
The stands, absolutely packed

250
00:12:56,265 --> 00:12:58,799
with what I like to call gutter people.

251
00:13:00,136 --> 00:13:01,768
Delightful bowling pun there, Greg.

252
00:13:01,804 --> 00:13:02,735
Bowling pun?

253
00:13:08,243 --> 00:13:10,710
Try to keep me from the
biggest tournament

254
00:13:10,745 --> 00:13:12,445
of Steve's life... fat chance!

255
00:13:12,481 --> 00:13:14,214
He's gonna win this thing.

256
00:13:14,249 --> 00:13:17,217
And I'll be damned if
I'm not gonna be there

257
00:13:17,252 --> 00:13:21,153
to con-Taz-ulate my own son.

258
00:13:24,225 --> 00:13:27,259
Better hang out in the back
so as not to draw attention.

259
00:13:30,631 --> 00:13:32,697
What's your most inconspicuous entrée?

260
00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:33,965
The chicken-fried steak

261
00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:36,067
ain't making any lasting impressions.

262
00:13:38,671 --> 00:13:40,271
And the ball is loose!

263
00:13:42,975 --> 00:13:44,642
It all comes down to this.

264
00:13:44,677 --> 00:13:46,110
Knock down just one more pin

265
00:13:46,146 --> 00:13:48,312
and you'll qualify for a
spot on the pro tour.

266
00:13:48,348 --> 00:13:50,014
That's right, Steve's days

267
00:13:50,049 --> 00:13:52,983
of bowling in lame-ass
father-son tournaments

268
00:13:53,019 --> 00:13:54,417
are about to be over.

269
00:13:54,453 --> 00:13:55,852
Oh, I didn't realize.

270
00:13:55,887 --> 00:13:58,188
But I guess that's the sacrifice

271
00:13:58,223 --> 00:14:00,490
you have to make to be the best.

272
00:14:00,526 --> 00:14:02,459
I've let this go too far.

273
00:14:02,494 --> 00:14:05,228
It's time to make things right.

274
00:14:20,044 --> 00:14:21,243
My God!

275
00:14:21,279 --> 00:14:23,078
The Lumberjack has been stabbed!

276
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:25,914
This is truly bowling's
darkest, most exciting day.

277
00:14:28,718 --> 00:14:30,918
Shh. I'm right here with you.

278
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:34,021
How bad is it, coach?

279
00:14:34,057 --> 00:14:35,590
Career-ending!

280
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,526
Goodbye forever, Steve.

281
00:14:42,199 --> 00:14:44,364
What?! What happened?!

282
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,032
What have I done?!

283
00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:48,068
Oh, my God!

284
00:14:51,740 --> 00:14:54,575
I stabbed my son!

285
00:15:02,678 --> 00:15:05,044
I still can't believe
I stabbed my own son!

286
00:15:06,178 --> 00:15:07,811
But that's all in the past now.

287
00:15:07,847 --> 00:15:10,781
You've got your boy back, so
now you're just gonna focus

288
00:15:10,816 --> 00:15:13,483
on reconnecting with him
and never letting him go.

289
00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:15,052
You don't tell Steve about this,

290
00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:16,420
and I won't tell Klaus

291
00:15:16,456 --> 00:15:17,623
you're the one who
broke his Dilbert mug.

292
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:18,965
Okay, deal, deal!

293
00:15:21,136 --> 00:15:22,335
Hey, there, slugger!

294
00:15:22,370 --> 00:15:24,404
Want to work on a Lego set together

295
00:15:24,439 --> 00:15:26,606
or go down to the Whole Foods buffet,

296
00:15:26,641 --> 00:15:28,441
pick up some slops and stews?

297
00:15:28,476 --> 00:15:30,210
Maybe get super into jazz...

298
00:15:30,245 --> 00:15:32,345
father and son, two big jazz heads.

299
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:33,913
Actually, all I really want to do

300
00:15:33,948 --> 00:15:35,415
is figure out who attacked me.

301
00:15:35,450 --> 00:15:37,250
What if this sicko tries again?

302
00:15:37,285 --> 00:15:40,085
I'm pretty sure the
stabber's stabbing days

303
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,454
are behind Stan... him... it!

304
00:15:42,489 --> 00:15:43,855
You sound like the cops.

305
00:15:43,890 --> 00:15:46,057
They've given up on the
case already, too.

306
00:15:46,093 --> 00:15:48,227
To them, I'm just one more white kid

307
00:15:48,262 --> 00:15:50,262
who got stabbed in a bowling alley.

308
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:51,663
Ah, what are you gonna do?

309
00:15:51,699 --> 00:15:53,298
Let's home-brew some root beer.

310
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,933
But... well, you're
kind of a detective...

311
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:58,001
you know, working for the C.I.A.

312
00:15:58,037 --> 00:16:00,804
Maybe you could help me
investigate, as a...

313
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,240
Team?! Team Steve?!

314
00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:03,241
Let me think.

315
00:16:03,276 --> 00:16:04,842
From what I recall,

316
00:16:04,877 --> 00:16:07,411
the stabber covered
her tracks perfectly,

317
00:16:07,447 --> 00:16:10,248
so, yeah, father-son time, let's do it.

318
00:16:11,984 --> 00:16:16,119
Okay. This is where
the attack occurred.

319
00:16:17,389 --> 00:16:18,622
Hmm.

320
00:16:21,092 --> 00:16:22,392
Look!

321
00:16:22,427 --> 00:16:24,927
These must be the stabber's footprints!

322
00:16:24,963 --> 00:16:27,264
See?! They're the only
ones with a tread.

323
00:16:27,299 --> 00:16:30,232
Bowling shoes are smooth.

324
00:16:30,268 --> 00:16:32,934
And the shoe prints continue out here,

325
00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:35,504
which means we can track
where the stabber went!

326
00:16:35,539 --> 00:16:37,740
Wait, since when is Steve smart?

327
00:16:37,775 --> 00:16:40,175
He's a jock.

328
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:43,612
And who knows what the future holds

329
00:16:43,648 --> 00:16:45,414
for the humble bicycle.

330
00:16:45,449 --> 00:16:49,651
Maybe a basket to put
all your stuff in.

331
00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:51,118
The end.

332
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:53,854
So beautiful.

333
00:16:56,426 --> 00:16:58,192
Wha... what's going on?!
Did... did I win?

334
00:16:58,227 --> 00:17:01,329
Roger, you made it
through the whole thing.

335
00:17:01,364 --> 00:17:04,665
Kudos!

336
00:17:08,937 --> 00:17:10,604
Wait a minute.

337
00:17:15,544 --> 00:17:17,411
What are you doing in my room?

338
00:17:17,446 --> 00:17:19,479
Are you serious? The contest!

339
00:17:19,515 --> 00:17:22,247
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got bored.

340
00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:23,683
That's why I molted

341
00:17:23,718 --> 00:17:25,584
and came in here to
watch "Yas Cat" videos.

342
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:26,752
Molt and bolt, baby.

343
00:17:26,788 --> 00:17:27,886
Ha! Oh, snap!

344
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:28,887
Is that a new "Bad Lip Synch"?

345
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:30,323
Oh, tight.

346
00:17:31,492 --> 00:17:33,793
Look at the two of you.
You're pathetic!

347
00:17:33,828 --> 00:17:35,661
No, Klaus. I realized something

348
00:17:35,697 --> 00:17:38,630
about two days into whatever
it was we were watching.

349
00:17:38,665 --> 00:17:39,897
A short attention span

350
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,666
is not something to be ashamed of,

351
00:17:41,702 --> 00:17:43,401
it's something to be proud of...

352
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,870
like owning a sous-vide
or having big old tits.

353
00:17:45,905 --> 00:17:47,839
Throughout history, it's been people

354
00:17:47,874 --> 00:17:49,207
with short attention spans

355
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:52,043
who've been responsible for... culture

356
00:17:52,078 --> 00:17:56,146
and inventions that, um, have
changed the course of...

357
00:17:56,181 --> 00:17:58,181
What are we talking about?

358
00:17:58,217 --> 00:17:59,683
You were... Uh...

359
00:17:59,719 --> 00:18:01,418
Didn't you ask me something?

360
00:18:01,454 --> 00:18:02,886
- I thought... what?
- Huh?

361
00:18:02,921 --> 00:18:04,988
I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met.

362
00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:06,022
My name is Roger.

363
00:18:08,093 --> 00:18:09,760
You're digging through trash, son.

364
00:18:09,795 --> 00:18:12,061
No judge is going to admit
garbage as evidence.

365
00:18:12,096 --> 00:18:13,062
It's gross.

366
00:18:13,097 --> 00:18:14,364
This Dumpster is filled

367
00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:15,931
with weapons and blood-soaked hoodies.

368
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:17,700
How am I supposed to find the ones

369
00:18:17,736 --> 00:18:19,101
that belong to my stabber?

370
00:18:19,136 --> 00:18:20,670
Hey!

371
00:18:20,705 --> 00:18:22,672
Well, you gave it your best shot.

372
00:18:22,707 --> 00:18:25,274
Aha! I distinctly remember the stabber

373
00:18:25,309 --> 00:18:27,543
reeking of chicken-fried steak.

374
00:18:28,712 --> 00:18:30,111
Just like this hoodie!

375
00:18:30,146 --> 00:18:31,212
And, look!

376
00:18:31,248 --> 00:18:33,382
It's a receipt for a custom

377
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:35,817
"Con-Taz-ulations, Steve!" cake.

378
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:37,386
This Taz-loving sicko

379
00:18:37,421 --> 00:18:39,788
must have really been obsessed with me.

380
00:18:39,823 --> 00:18:42,357
Find that cake and we'll
find our stabber.

381
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:55,936
You... were the one who stabbed me?!

382
00:18:55,971 --> 00:18:57,638
Where's your proof?

383
00:18:57,673 --> 00:19:00,140
Damn it!

384
00:19:00,175 --> 00:19:01,675
Why would you do this?!

385
00:19:01,711 --> 00:19:03,543
The edge pieces have the most icing.

386
00:19:03,578 --> 00:19:05,545
No! Stabbing me!

387
00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:06,946
I don't know!

388
00:19:06,981 --> 00:19:09,482
We had such a good thing
going for a while,

389
00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:11,651
and... and then I started to lose you.

390
00:19:11,686 --> 00:19:13,986
And... and when I heard
I'd never be able

391
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:15,288
to bowl with you again, I... I...

392
00:19:15,323 --> 00:19:16,823
I just snapped.

393
00:19:16,858 --> 00:19:19,158
Can you ever forgive me and
also not tell the police?!

394
00:19:19,193 --> 00:19:21,794
Yes.

395
00:19:21,829 --> 00:19:23,729
But you didn't have to stab me.

396
00:19:23,764 --> 00:19:24,996
I didn't?

397
00:19:25,032 --> 00:19:27,666
Well, what? Of course you didn't!

398
00:19:27,701 --> 00:19:30,068
There could never be a reason to st...

399
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:32,671
Never mind. What I mean is...

400
00:19:32,706 --> 00:19:34,740
I was gonna gutter ball that last roll.

401
00:19:34,775 --> 00:19:36,641
What?! Why?!

402
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,776
You had a chance to go
pro, to be the best!

403
00:19:38,812 --> 00:19:40,645
I thought that was what you wanted.

404
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,112
I never cared about that.

405
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,048
I wanted things to go
back to how they were

406
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,983
when it was just you and me having fun.

407
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,351
That's what I wanted.

408
00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:48,719
It was?

409
00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,488
Is that why you were acting so weird?

410
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,823
Weird?! How?

411
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,557
Stabbing me comes to mind!

412
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:56,326
You're just never gonna let
me live that down, are you?

413
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:58,628
Come on, look, getting stabbed
is not that big a deal.

414
00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:00,163
See? Bop! See, nothing?

415
00:20:00,198 --> 00:20:01,498
Bop! Bop, bop, bop!

416
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,066
No biggie. Do it in the back.

417
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,801
Bop, bop! I'm fine, see?

418
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,503
Few more? Bop, bop, bop.

419
00:20:11,308 --> 00:20:14,242
It's possible that some of
this could have been avoided.

420
00:20:14,278 --> 00:20:16,144
You know where the breakdown was?

421
00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:17,079
In your mental state?

422
00:20:17,114 --> 00:20:18,581
In our communication.

423
00:20:18,616 --> 00:20:20,549
We both just wanted to
spend time together.

424
00:20:20,585 --> 00:20:22,150
And if we'd been open about that,

425
00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:23,752
none of this would have happened.

426
00:20:23,788 --> 00:20:25,488
So you swear you're not upset

427
00:20:25,523 --> 00:20:27,755
that I'm never gonna
be the best bowler?

428
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,057
Yes. Because you're
already the best son.

429
00:20:30,093 --> 00:20:32,159
At least, the best I've ever had.

430
00:20:32,195 --> 00:20:33,995
Mmm!

431
00:20:34,030 --> 00:20:35,497
Let's agree that from now on,

432
00:20:35,532 --> 00:20:37,765
before we assume we know
what the other person wants,

433
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:39,767
that we'll talk to each
other about it first.

434
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:40,935
You got it.

435
00:20:40,971 --> 00:20:43,104
Excuse me. Langley Falls P.D.

436
00:20:43,139 --> 00:20:44,738
I couldn't help but observe

437
00:20:44,773 --> 00:20:47,340
Steve's detective work
back at the bowling alley.

438
00:20:47,376 --> 00:20:49,676
Your boy's got a gift.
With my expertise...

439
00:20:49,712 --> 00:20:51,144
He would love to.

440
00:20:53,749 --> 00:20:54,548
Hmm!

441
00:20:58,554 --> 00:20:59,953
Whose kid is this?!

442
00:20:59,989 --> 00:21:02,388
Who would let their kid see this?!

443
00:21:02,492 --> 00:21:06,359
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