1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404
**

2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,240
I had a premonition
that all this will end

3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:10,111
with Principal Lewis
buying a mattress factory.

4
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,579
Unbelievable
premonition.

5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,914
-Love those omens.
-Go, Billy!

6
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,088
Oh, no.
It finally happened.

7
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,056
Klaus got
the lunch lady job.

8
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:23,591
Next.

9
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,926
Oh, Steve!
It's me, Klaus!

10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,628
You know, from home?

11
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,097
Oh, God,
don't talk to me.

12
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:30,598
Come here, honey.

13
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,467
I saved you the crustiest
corner of mac and cheese.

14
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,569
It's so hard.

15
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:37,638
Steve, I know
I should know this,

16
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:39,540
but how are you
related to Klaus?

17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,075
I thought
they were a couple!

18
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:42,943
I don't want to talk
about Klaus anymore.

19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:43,944
I can't even eat.

20
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,246
(sniffs)

21
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:46,947
Is someone having
Crepes Suzette?

22
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,317
Ugh,
the hall monitors.

23
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,252
I hate how they get
special treatment.

24
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:52,320
Come on.

25
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:55,289
Principal Lewis takes
troubled kids from juvie

26
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,292
and molds them into
productive members of society.

27
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,760
Yeah, they made
the cover

28
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,663
of Appropriate Relationships
Magazine.

29
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,433
(stomach grumbling)

30
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:06,634
Uh-oh.

31
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,237
(retching)

32
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,605
(all retching)

33
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:18,846
Wow.

34
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:22,450
Look at how fast
the sawdust absorbs the puke.

35
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,918
This is why
I became a janitor.

36
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,155
I became a janitor
because it was fate.

37
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,856
As you can see...

38
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,193
this birthmark across my body
looks somewhat like a mop.

39
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,962
(patriotic music plays)

40
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:37,631
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

41
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:41,502
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

42
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,705
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

43
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:49,009
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

44
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:54,215
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

45
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,484
-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *

46
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:57,818
Aah!

47
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:02,490
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

48
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,492
Well, they fired me.

49
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:07,027
They blamed me for all
those kids getting sick.

50
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,362
It's ridiculous.

51
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,963
I always said "excuse me"

52
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,166
when I farted into
the mashed potatoes.

53
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:15,369
It is a little odd how often
students are throwing up.

54
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,738
That was the third
puke-fest this month.

55
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,573
And they always blame
a lunch lady.

56
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:21,642
I was the eighth one
fired this year.

57
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,911
Eighth...third.

58
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,579
That's a lot of numbers.

59
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,015
Maybe we should go take
a look around the cafeteria.

60
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:33,987
**

61
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,390
Whoa.
Sawdust.

62
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,726
Hmm...

63
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,829
Whoa.
Sawdust.

64
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,197
Hmm...

65
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:47,535
**

66
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:48,769
That's odd.

67
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,338
No sawdust.

68
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,939
Or is it?

69
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,040
What do you mean?

70
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:55,175
I don't know.

71
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,212
Just the usual dry-aged beef

72
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,349
you'd find in any
public high school cafeteria.

73
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:02,750
Unless...

74
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:05,619
Hmm...

75
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,954
MAN: Hey!
Who's in there?

76
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,757
Hank Turlington,
school detective.

77
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:10,924
We need to talk.

78
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,626
And you need to walk.

79
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:15,062
Me and my partner are also
school detectives,

80
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:16,897
and we're already
on the case.

81
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,966
Maybe we can join...

82
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:19,967
forces.

83
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:20,968
Maybe.

84
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,303
Is that a yes?

85
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:24,238
Yes.
We have joined forces.

86
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,739
Three man handshake?

87
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:26,774
Yes.

88
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:27,808
Steve, please join us?

89
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:28,809
Yes.

90
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:32,580
**

91
00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,385
**

92
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:40,454
Great idea to start
mall walking, Stan.

93
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,456
Hey, what's the name
of Steve's tailor?

94
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,392
-Petruchio?
-No, his other tailor.

95
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:45,893
-Carbunkle.
-Yes, that's right.

96
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:46,960
Hey, Carbunkle!

97
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,664
(creaking, bone cracks)

98
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,401
(screams)

99
00:03:59,273 --> 00:04:01,409
What's wrong, bud?
Looking a little pale.

100
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:02,810
Lemme guess,
you saw the price

101
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,578
of a pan
at Williams Sonoma.

102
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,447
WOMAN: He's coming
back out the top!

103
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,349
(squishing)

104
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,588
Hey there, fellas.
You mall walking?

105
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,089
I've always wanted
to try that out.

106
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,426
Got room for one more?

107
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,827
Guys?

108
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,795
Eh, they're right, Al,
you'd just slow them down.

109
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,532
So smile, you fat clown,
and walk away.

110
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,334
Catch ya next time,
homies!

111
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,137
**

112
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,272
Something strange is
going on at this school,

113
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,375
and it all centers
around Principal Lewis

114
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:35,543
and the hall monitors.

115
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:36,710
I've been working
undercover

116
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,313
as social studies teacher
"Mrs. Womanface."

117
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:41,148
I'm also the teacher
in charge of

118
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:42,816
the Sadie Hawkins dance.

119
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,151
This year's theme?

120
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,819
"Everyone Must Get Laid."

121
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:48,155
So, what can I do?
I-I want to help.

122
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:49,523
With the sex dance?

123
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,624
Or the school mystery?

124
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,059
The...second thing.

125
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,628
I need someone undercover
in the hall monitors.

126
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,730
Lewis only
recruits bad kids.

127
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,799
So you're about to get
sent to juvie.

128
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:01,902
(body thuds, punching)

129
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,172
Help!
A student is attacking me!

130
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,640
-(thud)
-Wow.

131
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,909
You think you know
all the things that turn you on,

132
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,044
but then you see
something like this,

133
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,180
and suddenly you're
at half-mast.

134
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,082
Aah!

135
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,650
It was this boy
right here.

136
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,487
He overpowered me,
then he sat down.

137
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:20,988
**

138
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,055
(inmates "whoo"ing)

139
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,191
TURLINGTON: AJ Slick, the head
of the hall monitors,

140
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,326
has a brother in juvie,
TJ Slick.

141
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,996
I pulled some strings
to make you his cellmate.

142
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,764
That's the easy part.

143
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:31,999
The hard part's gonna be

144
00:05:32,099 --> 00:05:34,101
getting this monster
to trust you.

145
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:35,369
Trust fall!

146
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,505
You passed my test.

147
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,872
Now we're friends forever.

148
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:39,840
(smooches)

149
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:40,841
**

150
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,443
STEVE: With TJ's trust earned,

151
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,545
I spent the next month
in the yard.

152
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,680
**

153
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,082
GUARD: Steve Smith?

154
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,584
You're gettin'
out today.

155
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,852
Already?

156
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,754
I've only been
slamming my gams.

157
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,856
Didn't even get a chance
to jack my sides

158
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,358
or fran my front
or clunk my neck.

159
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:01,762
Klaus?

160
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,398
I fell asleep
in your pocket.

161
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,033
I've been in this
storage locker

162
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:09,302
for a month surviving
on leaky AC unit drippings,

163
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:14,107
rat piss, and, ucch,
coconut LaCroix.

164
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,611
**

165
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:22,249
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Steve Smith.

166
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,918
Yeah, don't splooge
in your pants or anything.

167
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,454
You wish.

168
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:30,157
My anti-depressants make that
absolutely impossible.

169
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,959
Told you
this guy's a dork.

170
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,561
I thought that, too.

171
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:36,296
But I heard you were tight
with my big bro in juvie.

172
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,299
I think Steve should be
our new hall monitor.

173
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,268
Yo, I don't know
about this guy, AJ.

174
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,570
He seems like a narc.

175
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:45,238
Oh, yeah?
Would a narc do this?

176
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:47,007
Oh, hey, Steve.

177
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,241
We miss yo--
Ooh!

178
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,477
Aah!

179
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,513
Aaah!

180
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,114
Sorry!

181
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,517
But I! Have to! Do this!

182
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,687
Cold-blooded, Smith!

183
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,522
Your cruel whispers
that we couldn't hear

184
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,323
really added
insult to injury.

185
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,659
Welcome to
the hall monitors, Smith.

186
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,660
Here's your hat.

187
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,596
Are the fanny packs part
of the uniform?

188
00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:10,598
Nah. They're part
of our bodies.

189
00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,165
You'll grow one, too.

190
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,937
**

191
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,673
Steve, forget class.

192
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,274
You're a hall monitor.

193
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,443
Lewis lets us
do whatever we want.

194
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:24,812
You wanna go to my house
and watch

195
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,615
Wall Street:
Money Never Sleeps on my bed?

196
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,517
Oh, here we go.
Hall pass?

197
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,684
Um...

198
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:31,885
Aah!

199
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,655
You remind me of a dog turd
I once stepped in.

200
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,890
It got into all the grooves
of my shoe,

201
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,392
and it took my mom weeks
to clean it.

202
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,128
Yeah, Steve! Yeah!

203
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,030
He's hiding something.

204
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,966
Let's see what he's got
in that backpack.

205
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,300
(zipper unzips)

206
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,636
MERTZ: It's everything

207
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,403
we need to make
a spaghetti dinner.

208
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,205
Nice haul, Double S.

209
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,007
Any chance you snagged
a cabernet?

210
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:56,143
No, but I got
this kid's clarinet.

211
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,011
Clarinet sounds
like cabernet.

212
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:01,414
No, it don't!
Clarinet sound like this!

213
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:04,017
(clarinet plays)

214
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,922
**

215
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,660
Aah!

216
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,562
Klaus? What are you doing?

217
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,396
What are you doing?

218
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,398
You're supposed to be getting
clues for the school mystery,

219
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,601
not becoming
a Richard-Grieco-type bad boy

220
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,335
who plays
by his own rules.

221
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,905
Klaus, I'm fine.
I-I'm undercover.

222
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,106
It's all an act.

223
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,875
I hope so.
You're supposed to be

224
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:29,577
getting my lunch lady
job back.

225
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,745
And hey, bro,
why you peeing

226
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,747
in the stall
like a shy guy?

227
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,016
Your dick's
super cool.

228
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,018
(bell rings)

229
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,252
PRINCIPAL LEWIS:
You guys sure about

230
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,688
this goody-two-shoes?

231
00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,756
I don't trust you,
Smith.

232
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,058
Maybe you need
a little test.

233
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:46,426
Jerk off in front
of these prudes.

234
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,128
-What?
-Yo, we've been over this.

235
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,931
You can't ask kids to jerk off
to prove their loyalty.

236
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,366
Fine.
Option two --

237
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,535
go to this pet store tonight
and vandalize it.

238
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,037
Why this pet store?

239
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,272
Because years ago,
I bought a pet gecko there

240
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,407
and it bit me.

241
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:02,943
It's time
to settle the score.

242
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:08,782
**

243
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,483
Steve, I don't
know about this.

244
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:11,985
You're breaking into
a pet store,

245
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,921
you've driven
all your friends away,

246
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,455
and don't think
I don't smell

247
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,157
those clove cigarettes
on your breath.

248
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,325
Whatever.

249
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,628
It's a slippery slope,
Steve.

250
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:21,662
First it's cloves.

251
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:22,663
Then it's e-cigs.

252
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:23,931
Then it's regular cigs.

253
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:25,065
Then it's mary jane.

254
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,099
Then it's cocaine.

255
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,735
Then it's
black tar heroin.

256
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,236
That is the order.

257
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,904
You think I like this?

258
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,573
You think I'm enjoying
doing whatever I want

259
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,844
with total impunity,
basically running the school

260
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:40,013
and being less a student
and more a god?

261
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,850
Pray to me!

262
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,785
Sorry, I missed all that.

263
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,586
The lunch ladies
and I just about had our

264
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:49,289
escape room night planned,
and now Gretchen wants to change

265
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,524
everything around
for her son's funeral.

266
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,426
I'm not a bad kid.

267
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,963
I just need to gain
Lewis' trust.

268
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,865
I'll only release
one animal.

269
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,533
No harm, no foul,
no big whoop.

270
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,302
(monkey screeching)

271
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,804
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

272
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:04,972
No, no, no, no!

273
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:06,339
Not the snakes!

274
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,374
No!

275
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,009
Oh!

276
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,011
Not the pretty peacocks!

277
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,445
**

278
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,782
(animals roaring, screeching)

279
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,317
STEVE:
I'm sure they'll come back.

280
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,388
-(peacocks squawking)
-How do these stupid birds

281
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:23,023
keep getting
in our house?

282
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:28,195
Oh, ladies, ladies,
this dancing has exhausted me.

283
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,531
Let us step inside
for some refreshments.

284
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,701
Myah! Myah!

285
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:34,968
That laugh.

286
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,536
It's enchanting!

287
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,305
(squawking)

288
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,974
Hey, it's that wonderful
working-class Brit

289
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,843
who owns the sunglass place
at the mall.

290
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,577
(British accent)
I found yer 'usband

291
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:45,713
and this grey boy
at the mall.

292
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,215
Why are they
frozen like this?

293
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,051
These geezas saw
sum'ing terrible.

294
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,421
Sum'ing that made them
lose their words.

295
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:59,760
Sum'ing that even $4,000
of sunglasses couldn't fix.

296
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,594
I charged it
to a credit card

297
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:05,065
I found stickin' out
of the grey one's ass.

298
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,734
Anyway,
I gotta get back.

299
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:10,871
I'm expectin' a 'uge
shipment of Oakley's.

300
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,742
-What did he say?
-I think it was a poem.

301
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,944
It was so beautiful.

302
00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,678
'Sup with them?

303
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,081
(bell rings)

304
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:25,085
Today's chicken provencal
was amazing.

305
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:29,356
Really made up for yesterday's
pitiful trout almondine.

306
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,958
You should smile more.

307
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,060
Steven.
I need to see you.

308
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,294
Now.

309
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,029
I'm worried
about you, Steve.

310
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,731
-I have half a mind
to pull you out.
-You can't --

311
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,299
Don't listen to Steve!

312
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,568
He's been seduced by
the hall monitor lifestyle.

313
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,236
I have not.

314
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,704
Then you won't
have a problem...

315
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:45,906
wearing a wire.

316
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:48,375
Ooh, tonight's
bad for a wire.

317
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:50,077
We have a big dinner
with Lewis.

318
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,145
L-Let's pencil it in
for after Labor Day.

319
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:55,949
That would give me a chance
to focus on the sex dance.

320
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,150
Steve doesn't want
to catch Lewis

321
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,952
because he's
in too deep.

322
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,553
Right.
Steve wears the wire.

323
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:01,621
Tonight.

324
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,890
Fine.

325
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:03,891
I'm coming with.

326
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,559
And if we get in trouble,
I have cyanide pills.

327
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,962
We cannot fall
into enemy hands.

328
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,298
Wait, they look just like
my Tic Tacs.

329
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,300
Why did I mix them together?

330
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,938
Oh, man, I was handing these out
like crazy at the post office.

331
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,340
**

332
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,842
(laughter)

333
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,511
Damn, guys.
Smith cracks me up!

334
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,479
KLAUS: They're on to us.
We got no way out.

335
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,181
Take the pill.

336
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,017
As you know,
I gathered you here

337
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,252
to reveal
my diabolical scheme.

338
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:33,821
That sounds
like dessert talk.

339
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,422
It all started
when I was wasted

340
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,990
and bought
a Christmas tree farm.

341
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,827
But that thing makes no money
11 months a year!

342
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,529
I had to find a way
to make money year round,

343
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:46,166
so I cooked up
this totally illegal idea.

344
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,700
Hold that thought,
I gotta take a dump.

345
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,803
Hold that dump,
I gotta share a thought.

346
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,805
I've been grinding up
the trees for sawdust,

347
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,273
but nobody
wanted this stuff.

348
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,176
-(plates clatter)
-So I finally had the excuse

349
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,946
to do something I've wanted
to do for years --

350
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,680
poison children.

351
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,216
Lots of vomit means
lots of sawdust.

352
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,685
I-I don't think any of that
could be tied to you.

353
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,387
But that was
small potatoes.

354
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,456
This next part
is big potatoes.

355
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,690
If someone were
to record it,

356
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,125
there's not
a jury in the world

357
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,727
that wouldn't lock me up
and throw away the key!

358
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:17,865
I'm going to poison
the town's water supply!

359
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:21,534
Me!
Principal Brian Lewis!

360
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,170
Oh, boy.

361
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,538
Oh, man.
What a sting.

362
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,707
We got Lewis
dead to rights.

363
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,309
Didn't you think some of
the things he said

364
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,744
had a jokey,
inadmissible quality?

365
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,147
Oh, no.
This is airtight.

366
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,348
Whoo-hoo!

367
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,917
I'm gonna hit the sack.

368
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,089
KLAUS: I can't sleep.

369
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,590
I'm buzzing.

370
00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:45,893
Where are those
cyanide pills?

371
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,227
I'll just take
a little half.

372
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,930
Slow down the old
super-computer.

373
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:51,398
What are you doing?!

374
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:52,532
I-I have to do it!

375
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,434
I have to!
I'm in too deep!

376
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:57,104
Before you do it, just let me
say three words to you --

377
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,206
telescoping driving cane.

378
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,773
That means
nothing to me.

379
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,043
Hi-yaaaa!

380
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,912
(thud)

381
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,080
He's coming to!

382
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,882
STEVE: Wh-What's going on?

383
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,284
These are the women
Lewis fired.

384
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,621
They wander the streets,
still dressed as lunch ladies.

385
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,124
They just want to put
slop on plates.

386
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,926
Won't you help them,
Steve?

387
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,560
I will.

388
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,629
Your whack on the head
knocked some sense into me.

389
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,697
We've got to get this
evidence to Turlington.

390
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:27,434
I'll drive.

391
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,037
Where does one buy
a telescoping driving cane?

392
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,371
-Eddie Bauer.
-Oh.

393
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,705
(both scream)

394
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,374
(both scream)

395
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,043
(light switch clicks)

396
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,310
Do you think
it was suicide?

397
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:38,811
At least we have
the recording.

398
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,447
We can still take it
to the cops.

399
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:43,450
We should
close his eyes.

400
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,784
Oh, shit.

401
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,120
This freak doesn't have
any eyelids.

402
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,155
(telephone ringing)

403
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,622
Gather round.

404
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,458
All you cops are gonna want
to hear this.

405
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,493
Yeah, so put down your
doughnuts, piggies,

406
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:54,661
and listen up!

407
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,600
KLAUS: (groaning)

408
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,302
It's so dang hot under this.

409
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,803
I'm dying.

410
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,806
Why did I guzzle
that Arizona Iced Tea?

411
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,441
(click, rewinding)

412
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,945
Steve's wearing a jacket
and a long-sleeve tee?

413
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,646
What is wrong with him?

414
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,616
(sighs) Well,
we have nothing.

415
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,085
Wait,
don't turn it off.

416
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,487
I'm about to sing a song
from Wicked.

417
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,455
KLAUS: The wizard
is ready for you.

418
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:26,026
(vocalizing)

419
00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,863
**

420
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:31,864
Turlington's dead,

421
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,700
the whole town's about
to get poisoned --

422
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,002
(cellphone chimes)

423
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,005
And now Lewis wants
to take me up to the tree farm.

424
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,706
Oh, God!
He's gonna kill me!

425
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,009
No. He's gonna kill us.

426
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,510
You're not coming.

427
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,546
It's sweet of you to worry
about me, but I'm coming.

428
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,181
Fine.
But to be clear,

429
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,849
I wasn't trying
to keep you safe.

430
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,818
I just didn't want
to be around you.

431
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,686
Your little bowl
bothers me.

432
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,488
All the scooting
and scraping.

433
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,824
It's...very unpleasant.

434
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:01,828
**

435
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,663
I thought it was
about time you all saw

436
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:04,864
where
the magic happens.

437
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,399
I call it magic
because I don't know

438
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,535
what any
of these machines do.

439
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:12,339
I have a bunch of fat guys who
make the machines eat the trees.

440
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,007
They're so fat.

441
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,408
You should see
their work pants.

442
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,510
The size!
When they hang them up to dry,

443
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,646
they look like
medieval tapestries!

444
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,082
Some of them
are truly gorgeous.

445
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,885
I'm gonna sneak off
and do some recon.

446
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,887
Klaus,
it's super-dangerous.

447
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:28,888
Don't worry.

448
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,524
Ol' Klaus can
take care of himself.

449
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,393
* Bum-bum-bum-bum
bum-bum-bum-bum *

450
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:34,427
Shh!

451
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:37,197
* Bwaaaaa bwaaa! *

452
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:40,200
* Bwaaaa, bwah-bwah! *

453
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,934
KLAUS: Oop! I've been
caught immediately!

454
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,270
No!
Not the toilet!

455
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,238
(toilet flushes)

456
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:49,609
**

457
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,111
This isn't
funny anymore.

458
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,846
We gotta do something
about these Catatonic Cathys.

459
00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:55,448
It's been days.

460
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:57,850
Okay, that was
a little funny.

461
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,352
-(knock on door)
-Don't worry, Mom.

462
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,420
I called in some help.

463
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,755
FRANCINE: Dr. Ray?

464
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,691
I-I thought you died.

465
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,393
-No.
-Oh, okay.

466
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,461
Let's see
what we've got here.

467
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:09,629
Mm-hmm.

468
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,364
With extreme cases
like this,

469
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,901
I find that returning to
the scene of the initial event

470
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,271
sometimes helps snap
the patient out of it.

471
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,940
How long could
this take?

472
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,809
I don't know.
I gave up 30 minutes ago.

473
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,711
Ooh!
A Cinnabon!

474
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,879
I have one last idea.

475
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:33,553
(rock music plays)

476
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,655
* Come, my lady,
come, come, my lady *

477
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,090
* You're my butterfly,
sugar, baby *

478
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,059
* Come, my lady,
come, come, my lady *

479
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,262
* You're my butterfly,
sugar, baby *

480
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,397
* Such a sexy, sexy,
pretty little thing *

481
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,398
* Fierce nipple pierce *

482
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:47,300
* You got me sprung
with your tongue ring *

483
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,402
* And I ain't gonna lie 'cause
your living gets me high *

484
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:50,770
* So to keep you by my side *

485
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,339
* There's nothing
that I won't try *

486
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,474
* Butterflies in her eyes
and looks to kill *

487
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,776
* Time is passing I'm asking
"Could this be real?" *

488
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,611
* 'Cause I can't sleep,
I can't hold still *

489
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,847
* The only thing I really know
is she got sex appeal *

490
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,982
* I can feel,
too much is never enough *

491
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,185
Well, I'm out
of ideas.

492
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,786
Give it up, you guys!

493
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,788
They're gonna be
vegetables forever!

494
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:11,424
(screams)

495
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,960
(screaming continues)

496
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,331
Oh, hey, fun.

497
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,200
The whole family's mall walking.

498
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,170
What do you think?
Could old Al use a few laps?

499
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,604
(chuckles)

500
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,673
Do you even hear yourself?
"Oh, hey, fun.

501
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,007
The whole family's mall walking.

502
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,876
Yeah."
Oh, you're the town fool.

503
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,978
Just get of here
with your dignity.

504
00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,980
Smell ya on the flip side,
skater bois.

505
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,349
What the hell was that?

506
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,351
**

507
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,220
Huh? Huh?

508
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,522
Ha. Those are funny.

509
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,191
They're not supposed
to be funny.

510
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,992
I think they're
incredibly moving.

511
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:50,163
And now for the main event --
making the whole town puke.

512
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,632
With this gross stuff
I found in my trunk.

513
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,667
-(hissing)
-ALL: Ugh!

514
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,838
This pipe leads directly
to the town's water supply.

515
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:01,040
-(gasping)
-You think that's bad?

516
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,875
Get ready to gasp again.

517
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,144
There's a mole among our ranks.

518
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,145
(gasping)

519
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,380
(gasps)

520
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,382
This is Turlington's phone,

521
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:13,886
and this is the contact labeled
"hall monitor spy."

522
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,856
(cellphone beeps, ringing)

523
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,691
We could have made
a great team, Smith.

524
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,194
But instead, you chose to be
murdered by your classmates.

525
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:22,362
Get him!

526
00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,266
STEVE: You almost thought
of everything, Lewis.

527
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:29,536
But there's one thing you forgot
to have thought of --

528
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:33,340
in juvie,
I only worked out my legs!

529
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,374
(grunts)

530
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:38,077
(triumphant music plays)

531
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,078
Ooh!

532
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,179
(thud)

533
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,682
(gasping)

534
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,717
Lewis, you've poisoned
your last person...

535
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:46,953
(stomach grumbling)

536
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,087
...me.

537
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,222
(door slams open)

538
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,391
Hold it right there!

539
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,593
Hey! I thought
we flushed you!

540
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:57,464
When you flush,
you've gotta check the bowl.

541
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,899
Lunch ladies, attack!

542
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:00,967
**

543
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,202
-(grunts)
-Oh!

544
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,071
(grunts)

545
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,739
**

546
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,241
(thudding, pots clanging)

547
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,243
Ooh! (groans)

548
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,379
(retches)

549
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,281
**

550
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,982
Aah!

551
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:18,385
(grunts) Aaah!

552
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,489
Aaah!

553
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,090
(thudding, crashing)

554
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,761
Wh-Wh-What happened?

555
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,096
Easy, bud.

556
00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:32,499
You're home safe
in the school cafeteria.

557
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,267
Wh-What's going
in my arm?

558
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,002
You lost a lot of fluids,

559
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,638
so Agnes put you
on a Salisbury IV.

560
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,774
Look, the brown's returning
to your cheeks already.

561
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:45,445
Thanks for saving me
from Lewis, and from myself.

562
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,146
Hey, what happened
to Lewis?

563
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,748
He got away basically.

564
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,083
Lewis gets away again!

565
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,252
Hey, you wanna buy
a mattress factory?

566
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:56,188
(bleep) yeah, I do!

567
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,824
(gasps)

568
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:58,825
Billy?

569
00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:02,128
I had
the premonition again.

570
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:04,130
Bye!
Have a beautiful time!

571
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITAC --