**
I had a premonition that all this will end
with Principal Lewis buying a mattress factory.
Unbelievable premonition.
-Love those omens. -Go, Billy!
Oh, no. It finally happened.
Klaus got the lunch lady job.
Next.
Oh, Steve! It's me, Klaus!
You know, from home?
Oh, God, don't talk to me.
Come here, honey.
I saved you the crustiest corner of mac and cheese.
It's so hard.
Steve, I know I should know this,
but how are you related to Klaus?
I thought they were a couple!
I don't want to talk about Klaus anymore.
I can't even eat.
(sniffs)
Is someone having Crepes Suzette?
Ugh, the hall monitors.
I hate how they get special treatment.
Come on.
Principal Lewis takes troubled kids from juvie
and molds them into productive members of society.
Yeah, they made the cover
of Appropriate Relationships Magazine.
(stomach grumbling)
Uh-oh.
(retching)
(all retching)
Wow.
Look at how fast the sawdust absorbs the puke.
This is why I became a janitor.
I became a janitor because it was fate.
As you can see...
this birthmark across my body looks somewhat like a mop.
(patriotic music plays)
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *
-* Good -- * -* Good morning, U.S.A. *
Aah!
* Good morning, U.S.A. *
Well, they fired me.
They blamed me for all those kids getting sick.
It's ridiculous.
I always said "excuse me"
when I farted into the mashed potatoes.
It is a little odd how often students are throwing up.
That was the third puke-fest this month.
And they always blame a lunch lady.
I was the eighth one fired this year.
Eighth...third.
That's a lot of numbers.
Maybe we should go take a look around the cafeteria.
**
Whoa. Sawdust.
Hmm...
Whoa. Sawdust.
Hmm...
**
That's odd.
No sawdust.
Or is it?
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Just the usual dry-aged beef
you'd find in any public high school cafeteria.
Unless...
Hmm...
MAN: Hey! Who's in there?
Hank Turlington, school detective.
We need to talk.
And you need to walk.
Me and my partner are also school detectives,
and we're already on the case.
Maybe we can join...
forces.
Maybe.
Is that a yes?
Yes. We have joined forces.
Three man handshake?
Yes.
Steve, please join us?
Yes.
**
Great idea to start mall walking, Stan.
Hey, what's the name of Steve's tailor?
-Petruchio? -No, his other tailor.
-Carbunkle. -Yes, that's right.
Hey, Carbunkle!
(creaking, bone cracks)
(screams)
What's wrong, bud? Looking a little pale.
Lemme guess, you saw the price
of a pan at Williams Sonoma.
WOMAN: He's coming back out the top!
(squishing)
Hey there, fellas. You mall walking?
I've always wanted to try that out.
Got room for one more?
Guys?
Eh, they're right, Al, you'd just slow them down.
So smile, you fat clown, and walk away.
Catch ya next time, homies!
**
Something strange is going on at this school,
and it all centers around Principal Lewis
and the hall monitors.
I've been working undercover
as social studies teacher "Mrs. Womanface."
I'm also the teacher in charge of
the Sadie Hawkins dance.
This year's theme?
"Everyone Must Get Laid."
So, what can I do? I-I want to help.
With the sex dance?
Or the school mystery?
The...second thing.
I need someone undercover in the hall monitors.
Lewis only recruits bad kids.
So you're about to get sent to juvie.
(body thuds, punching)
Help! A student is attacking me!
-(thud) -Wow.
You think you know all the things that turn you on,
but then you see something like this,
and suddenly you're at half-mast.
Aah!
It was this boy right here.
He overpowered me, then he sat down.
**
(inmates "whoo"ing)
TURLINGTON: AJ Slick, the head of the hall monitors,
has a brother in juvie, TJ Slick.
I pulled some strings to make you his cellmate.
That's the easy part.
The hard part's gonna be
getting this monster to trust you.
Trust fall!
You passed my test.
Now we're friends forever.
(smooches)
**
STEVE: With TJ's trust earned,
I spent the next month in the yard.
**
GUARD: Steve Smith?
You're gettin' out today.
Already?
I've only been slamming my gams.
Didn't even get a chance to jack my sides
or fran my front or clunk my neck.
Klaus?
I fell asleep in your pocket.
I've been in this storage locker
for a month surviving on leaky AC unit drippings,
rat piss, and, ucch, coconut LaCroix.
**
Well, well, well, if it isn't Steve Smith.
Yeah, don't splooge in your pants or anything.
You wish.
My anti-depressants make that absolutely impossible.
Told you this guy's a dork.
I thought that, too.
But I heard you were tight with my big bro in juvie.
I think Steve should be our new hall monitor.
Yo, I don't know about this guy, AJ.
He seems like a narc.
Oh, yeah? Would a narc do this?
Oh, hey, Steve.
We miss yo-- Ooh!
Aah!
Aaah!
Sorry!
But I! Have to! Do this!
Cold-blooded, Smith!
Your cruel whispers that we couldn't hear
really added insult to injury.
Welcome to the hall monitors, Smith.
Here's your hat.
Are the fanny packs part of the uniform?
Nah. They're part of our bodies.
You'll grow one, too.
**
Steve, forget class.
You're a hall monitor.
Lewis lets us do whatever we want.
You wanna go to my house and watch
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps on my bed?
Oh, here we go. Hall pass?
Um...
Aah!
You remind me of a dog turd I once stepped in.
It got into all the grooves of my shoe,
and it took my mom weeks to clean it.
Yeah, Steve! Yeah!
He's hiding something.
Let's see what he's got in that backpack.
(zipper unzips)
MERTZ: It's everything
we need to make a spaghetti dinner.
Nice haul, Double S.
Any chance you snagged a cabernet?
No, but I got this kid's clarinet.
Clarinet sounds like cabernet.
No, it don't! Clarinet sound like this!
(clarinet plays)
**
Aah!
Klaus? What are you doing?
What are you doing?
You're supposed to be getting clues for the school mystery,
not becoming a Richard-Grieco-type bad boy
who plays by his own rules.
Klaus, I'm fine. I-I'm undercover.
It's all an act.
I hope so. You're supposed to be
getting my lunch lady job back.
And hey, bro, why you peeing
in the stall like a shy guy?
Your dick's super cool.
(bell rings)
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: You guys sure about
this goody-two-shoes?
I don't trust you, Smith.
Maybe you need a little test.
Jerk off in front of these prudes.
-What? -Yo, we've been over this.
You can't ask kids to jerk off to prove their loyalty.
Fine. Option two --
go to this pet store tonight and vandalize it.
Why this pet store?
Because years ago, I bought a pet gecko there
and it bit me.
It's time to settle the score.
**
Steve, I don't know about this.
You're breaking into a pet store,
you've driven all your friends away,
and don't think I don't smell
those clove cigarettes on your breath.
Whatever.
It's a slippery slope, Steve.
First it's cloves.
Then it's e-cigs.
Then it's regular cigs.
Then it's mary jane.
Then it's cocaine.
Then it's black tar heroin.
That is the order.
You think I like this?
You think I'm enjoying doing whatever I want
with total impunity, basically running the school
and being less a student and more a god?
Pray to me!
Sorry, I missed all that.
The lunch ladies and I just about had our
escape room night planned, and now Gretchen wants to change
everything around for her son's funeral.
I'm not a bad kid.
I just need to gain Lewis' trust.
I'll only release one animal.
No harm, no foul, no big whoop.
(monkey screeching)
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no!
Not the snakes!
No!
Oh!
Not the pretty peacocks!
**
(animals roaring, screeching)
STEVE: I'm sure they'll come back.
-(peacocks squawking) -How do these stupid birds
keep getting in our house?
Oh, ladies, ladies, this dancing has exhausted me.
Let us step inside for some refreshments.
Myah! Myah!
That laugh.
It's enchanting!
(squawking)
Hey, it's that wonderful working-class Brit
who owns the sunglass place at the mall.
(British accent) I found yer 'usband
and this grey boy at the mall.
Why are they frozen like this?
These geezas saw sum'ing terrible.
Sum'ing that made them lose their words.
Sum'ing that even $4,000 of sunglasses couldn't fix.
I charged it to a credit card
I found stickin' out of the grey one's ass.
Anyway, I gotta get back.
I'm expectin' a 'uge shipment of Oakley's.
-What did he say? -I think it was a poem.
It was so beautiful.
'Sup with them?
(bell rings)
Today's chicken provencal was amazing.
Really made up for yesterday's pitiful trout almondine.
You should smile more.
Steven. I need to see you.
Now.
I'm worried about you, Steve.
-I have half a mind to pull you out. -You can't --
Don't listen to Steve!
He's been seduced by the hall monitor lifestyle.
I have not.
Then you won't have a problem...
wearing a wire.
Ooh, tonight's bad for a wire.
We have a big dinner with Lewis.
L-Let's pencil it in for after Labor Day.
That would give me a chance to focus on the sex dance.
Steve doesn't want to catch Lewis
because he's in too deep.
Right. Steve wears the wire.
Tonight.
Fine.
I'm coming with.
And if we get in trouble, I have cyanide pills.
We cannot fall into enemy hands.
Wait, they look just like my Tic Tacs.
Why did I mix them together?
Oh, man, I was handing these out like crazy at the post office.
**
(laughter)
Damn, guys. Smith cracks me up!
KLAUS: They're on to us. We got no way out.
Take the pill.
As you know, I gathered you here
to reveal my diabolical scheme.
That sounds like dessert talk.
It all started when I was wasted
and bought a Christmas tree farm.
But that thing makes no money 11 months a year!
I had to find a way to make money year round,
so I cooked up this totally illegal idea.
Hold that thought, I gotta take a dump.
Hold that dump, I gotta share a thought.
I've been grinding up the trees for sawdust,
but nobody wanted this stuff.
-(plates clatter) -So I finally had the excuse
to do something I've wanted to do for years --
poison children.
Lots of vomit means lots of sawdust.
I-I don't think any of that could be tied to you.
But that was small potatoes.
This next part is big potatoes.
If someone were to record it,
there's not a jury in the world
that wouldn't lock me up and throw away the key!
I'm going to poison the town's water supply!
Me! Principal Brian Lewis!
Oh, boy.
Oh, man. What a sting.
We got Lewis dead to rights.
Didn't you think some of the things he said
had a jokey, inadmissible quality?
Oh, no. This is airtight.
Whoo-hoo!
I'm gonna hit the sack.
KLAUS: I can't sleep.
I'm buzzing.
Where are those cyanide pills?
I'll just take a little half.
Slow down the old super-computer.
What are you doing?!
I-I have to do it!
I have to! I'm in too deep!
Before you do it, just let me say three words to you --
telescoping driving cane.
That means nothing to me.
Hi-yaaaa!
(thud)
He's coming to!
STEVE: Wh-What's going on?
These are the women Lewis fired.
They wander the streets, still dressed as lunch ladies.
They just want to put slop on plates.
Won't you help them, Steve?
I will.
Your whack on the head knocked some sense into me.
We've got to get this evidence to Turlington.
I'll drive.
Where does one buy a telescoping driving cane?
-Eddie Bauer. -Oh.
(both scream)
(light switch clicks)
Do you think it was suicide?
At least we have the recording.
We can still take it to the cops.
We should close his eyes.
Oh, shit.
This freak doesn't have any eyelids.
(telephone ringing)
Gather round.
All you cops are gonna want to hear this.
Yeah, so put down your doughnuts, piggies,
and listen up!
KLAUS: (groaning)
It's so dang hot under this.
I'm dying.
Why did I guzzle that Arizona Iced Tea?
(click, rewinding)
Steve's wearing a jacket and a long-sleeve tee?
What is wrong with him?
(sighs) Well, we have nothing.
Wait, don't turn it off.
I'm about to sing a song from Wicked.
KLAUS: The wizard is ready for you.
(vocalizing)
**
Turlington's dead,
the whole town's about to get poisoned --
(cellphone chimes)
And now Lewis wants to take me up to the tree farm.
Oh, God! He's gonna kill me!
No. He's gonna kill us.
You're not coming.
It's sweet of you to worry about me, but I'm coming.
Fine. But to be clear,
I wasn't trying to keep you safe.
I just didn't want to be around you.
Your little bowl bothers me.
All the scooting and scraping.
It's...very unpleasant.
**
I thought it was about time you all saw
where the magic happens.
I call it magic because I don't know
what any of these machines do.
I have a bunch of fat guys who make the machines eat the trees.
They're so fat.
You should see their work pants.
The size! When they hang them up to dry,
they look like medieval tapestries!
Some of them are truly gorgeous.
I'm gonna sneak off and do some recon.
Klaus, it's super-dangerous.
Don't worry.
Ol' Klaus can take care of himself.
* Bum-bum-bum-bum bum-bum-bum-bum *
Shh!
* Bwaaaaa bwaaa! *
* Bwaaaa, bwah-bwah! *
KLAUS: Oop! I've been caught immediately!
No! Not the toilet!
(toilet flushes)
**
This isn't funny anymore.
We gotta do something about these Catatonic Cathys.
It's been days.
Okay, that was a little funny.
-(knock on door) -Don't worry, Mom.
I called in some help.
FRANCINE: Dr. Ray?
I-I thought you died.
-No. -Oh, okay.
Let's see what we've got here.
Mm-hmm.
With extreme cases like this,
I find that returning to the scene of the initial event
sometimes helps snap the patient out of it.
How long could this take?
I don't know. I gave up 30 minutes ago.
Ooh! A Cinnabon!
I have one last idea.
(rock music plays)
* Come, my lady, come, come, my lady *
* You're my butterfly, sugar, baby *
* Come, my lady, come, come, my lady *
* You're my butterfly, sugar, baby *
* Such a sexy, sexy, pretty little thing *
* Fierce nipple pierce *
* You got me sprung with your tongue ring *
* And I ain't gonna lie 'cause your living gets me high *
* So to keep you by my side *
* There's nothing that I won't try *
* Butterflies in her eyes and looks to kill *
* Time is passing I'm asking "Could this be real?" *
* 'Cause I can't sleep, I can't hold still *
* The only thing I really know is she got sex appeal *
* I can feel, too much is never enough *
Well, I'm out of ideas.
Give it up, you guys!
They're gonna be vegetables forever!
(screams)
(screaming continues)
Oh, hey, fun.
The whole family's mall walking.
What do you think? Could old Al use a few laps?
(chuckles)
Do you even hear yourself? "Oh, hey, fun.
The whole family's mall walking.
Yeah." Oh, you're the town fool.
Just get of here with your dignity.
Smell ya on the flip side, skater bois.
What the hell was that?
**
Huh? Huh?
Ha. Those are funny.
They're not supposed to be funny.
I think they're incredibly moving.
And now for the main event -- making the whole town puke.
With this gross stuff I found in my trunk.
-(hissing) -ALL: Ugh!
This pipe leads directly to the town's water supply.
-(gasping) -You think that's bad?
Get ready to gasp again.
There's a mole among our ranks.
(gasping)
(gasps)
This is Turlington's phone,
and this is the contact labeled "hall monitor spy."
(cellphone beeps, ringing)
We could have made a great team, Smith.
But instead, you chose to be murdered by your classmates.
Get him!
STEVE: You almost thought of everything, Lewis.
But there's one thing you forgot to have thought of --
in juvie, I only worked out my legs!
(grunts)
(triumphant music plays)
Ooh!
(thud)
(gasping)
Lewis, you've poisoned your last person...
(stomach grumbling)
...me.
(door slams open)
Hold it right there!
Hey! I thought we flushed you!
When you flush, you've gotta check the bowl.
Lunch ladies, attack!
**
-(grunts) -Oh!
(grunts)
**
(thudding, pots clanging)
Ooh! (groans)
(retches)
**
Aah!
(grunts) Aaah!
Aaah!
(thudding, crashing)
Wh-Wh-What happened?
Easy, bud.
You're home safe in the school cafeteria.
Wh-What's going in my arm?
You lost a lot of fluids,
so Agnes put you on a Salisbury IV.
Look, the brown's returning to your cheeks already.
Thanks for saving me from Lewis, and from myself.
Hey, what happened to Lewis?
He got away basically.
Lewis gets away again!
Hey, you wanna buy a mattress factory?
(bleep) yeah, I do!
(gasps)
Billy?
I had the premonition again.
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
-- Captions by VITAC --