1
00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:03,868
I don't know about you guys,
2
00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:05,604
but I can't just get
right back in the car
3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:06,939
after a "Law & Order" Fest.
4
00:00:06,941 --> 00:00:09,207
Too much adrenaline. Let's download.
5
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:10,409
Best and worst.
6
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,544
Best... meeting Bobby the Body,
7
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,413
the guy who played 19
different murder victims.
8
00:00:15,415 --> 00:00:17,015
Worst... finding out one of them
9
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,152
was the cocktail waitress
I so publicly gushed over.
10
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:21,286
[Dramatic tone plays]
11
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,754
Wrong! Trick question.
12
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:25,290
"Law & Order" Fest has no worst thing.
13
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,091
It's all best. Hayley, best?
14
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:28,493
I met Ice-T.
15
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:29,962
Ooh! Great best. And best?
16
00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,564
Well, Ice-T and I bonded
while waiting in line
17
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,699
for a Pulled Pork from
the Headlines sandwich.
18
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:35,768
[Dramatic tone plays]
19
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,569
Wrong! That's still just meeting Ice-T.
20
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:40,038
- That's one thing.
- Well, we really connected.
21
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,707
I told him about my
passion for women's rights,
22
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,110
and he confided in me that
he's really good at sex.
23
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,312
You wasted your fest.
Check out what I got.
24
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:50,783
A poster of every actor who
played a judge on the show,
25
00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:51,984
signed by the three of them
26
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,786
who now work at the convention center.
27
00:00:53,788 --> 00:00:55,520
That's just one thing, too.
28
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,589
Of the 87 things I did.
29
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,858
88 if you count stealing the clarinet
30
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,461
played in the opening credits,
which I do.
31
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,796
[Clarinet note plays]
32
00:01:04,499 --> 00:01:07,532
I heard it! Play it again, you coward!
33
00:01:08,643 --> 00:01:10,535
I'm not a coward, Francine.
34
00:01:10,537 --> 00:01:13,472
Then let's blow it together, outlaw.
35
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,442
[Both moaning]
36
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,949
Every year.
37
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,686
♪♪
38
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,088
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
39
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,026
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
40
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:37,029
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
41
00:01:37,031 --> 00:01:41,766
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
42
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,568
♪♪
43
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,905
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
44
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:49,441
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
45
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,576
Aah!
46
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:55,047
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
47
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,249
♪♪
48
00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:00,118
Isn't it funny how some
days there's no mail,
49
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,587
and other days, there's a whole bunch?
50
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:08,126
[Laughing uncontrollably]
51
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,662
Stan, are you being
mean to me right now?
52
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,731
I don't know, Francine,
that's not for me to judge.
53
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,066
The Census form!
54
00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,268
♪ It's here, it's here,
I've waited 10 years ♪
55
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:17,936
♪ The Census is finally here ♪
56
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,004
♪ Throw up a window
and let out a cheer ♪
57
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:21,874
♪ And now my family sings ♪
58
00:02:22,677 --> 00:02:25,610
Really? You guys aren't
gonna sing the Census song?
59
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,145
Aren't you excited about the Census?
60
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,083
I think Steve has forgotten what the
"Stensus" even is.
61
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,484
Oh, boy.
62
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,486
Well, do you want to explain it to him,
or should I?
63
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:38,022
You better do it, Stan.
I'm too upset with this one.
64
00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:40,693
Every 10 years,
America takes off its shirt
65
00:02:40,695 --> 00:02:44,563
and flexes its muscles to show
the world how swole it is.
66
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,165
Stan, Hayley seems a bit confused.
67
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,234
Let's step that out a bit for her.
68
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:52,437
The Census is about counting
how many people live in America.
69
00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,372
The number of people, Hayley.
70
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,641
The United States has
the biggest population
71
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:58,243
of any country in the Western world.
72
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:01,113
The Western world, Hayley. Look it up.
73
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:04,583
And every 10 years,
we find out how big we are.
74
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,318
Then we rub it in everyone's face.
75
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,587
Stan, you seem really passionate.
76
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,388
You're reading me correctly, Francine.
77
00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:13,191
So you probably already realize
I'm gonna be an enumerator.
78
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,594
Oh, those are the people
that go door to door
79
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,729
and do the counting, right?
80
00:03:16,731 --> 00:03:20,064
People? No! They're heroes, patriots.
81
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,134
Enumerators are the best of the best,
82
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,603
the only ones who truly earn the right
83
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,204
to call themselves "top gun."
84
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,673
Okay, but to be clear,
this is a job, right?
85
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:29,942
Because I could use a job.
86
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:33,878
Yeah, it's a job for motivated
individuals like myself.
87
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,148
Not for lazy Hayleys like you.
88
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,350
You spent six hours at a
"Law & Order" Fest
89
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,685
and only counted one person... Ice-T.
90
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,154
I wasn't trying to count people.
91
00:03:42,156 --> 00:03:44,289
[Mockingly]
"I wasn't trying to count people."
92
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:46,358
Do you think that's
something an enumerator
93
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,892
has ever said in their life? No!
94
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,227
Narrator: All right, Dadders,
95
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,563
we learned a lot of stuff in this scene.
96
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,632
I hope you were taking detailed notes
97
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:55,167
'cause this is a pop quiz!
98
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:58,303
Who is excited about counting people?
99
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,104
Is it "A," Stan,
100
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:01,306
"B," the mom,
101
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:02,975
"C," little glasses guy,
102
00:04:02,977 --> 00:04:06,512
or "D,"
the lady Stan's been arguing with?
103
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,854
What? What?
104
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:19,257
It's just I never noticed it
before, Steve,
105
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,594
but you have incredible bone structure.
106
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,396
Klaus!
107
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,732
You're making me turn shy.
108
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,735
I'm just trying to pass
through the living room.
109
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,404
Sorry, but I've been looking
at everything differently
110
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:35,140
since my uncle died and left
me his Hasselblad camera.
111
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:39,477
Would you be interested
in modeling for me?
112
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:42,348
Modeling for you? I don't know.
113
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,216
It was my only uncle, Steve.
114
00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:47,685
And the odds of my grandparents
crapping out a new uncle
115
00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:49,221
are pretty low at this point.
116
00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:52,424
Do you think I could just
take a few shots of you
117
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:53,759
with his camera?
118
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,160
I guess.
119
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,695
Great! Snot and the boys are also in.
120
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,697
You spoke to my friends without me?
121
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:01,299
Yeah, at Toshi's birthday party.
122
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,434
Not the one you went to.
123
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,636
The more exclusive one at Benihana.
124
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,840
Our parents dropped us off,
and we paid the check ourselves.
125
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:14,712
Wow, we even completed a
Census right after World War I.
126
00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:16,047
Gosh, when the war ends,
127
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,116
you think you're done being a hero.
128
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,318
Francine would probably
want to know this.
129
00:05:21,285 --> 00:05:22,383
Don't touch me.
130
00:05:22,418 --> 00:05:24,122
But it's about the Census, Francine!
131
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,992
Everything's about your stupid Census!
132
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,929
Stan, your enumerator training
starts tomorrow.
133
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:33,599
Put down your pamphlet and go to sleep.
134
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,868
You're right, you're right.
135
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,944
You know what?
136
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,213
I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick.
137
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:52,818
Famous Census alumni.
Whoa, Sidney Poitier?
138
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,020
Guess who's counting two dinners?
139
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,489
Francine, did you hear that one?
140
00:05:57,491 --> 00:06:00,292
Roger: I heard, Stan!
The attic loved it!
141
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,031
Through this door,
142
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,301
giants, square jaws, stiff collars,
143
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:11,637
brave hearts pumping thick red blood
144
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,305
through strong American veins.
145
00:06:13,307 --> 00:06:16,442
God, I'm getting a boner.
They'll understand, though.
146
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:18,644
They'll see it as a sign of respect.
147
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,312
Whoo!
148
00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:22,114
Enumerators!
149
00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:23,381
Mount up!
150
00:06:24,070 --> 00:06:25,317
What is this? What am I looking at here?
151
00:06:25,319 --> 00:06:27,385
Stan, you're here for the Census?
152
00:06:28,705 --> 00:06:29,921
Yeah, did it switch rooms?
153
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,923
No, you're in the right place.
154
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:35,393
Hey, get this. I'm the foreman!
155
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:39,331
That means I'm in charge. Me! Tuttle!
156
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:43,135
But Census enumerators are...
are hard-charging broncos.
157
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:46,204
All these people, they're losers.
158
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,940
That woman's wearing a
sweatshirt with a wolf on it.
159
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,476
How's she gonna count America?
160
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:53,345
Do I see a bald man with a ponytail?
161
00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:54,680
I don't get it either.
162
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,414
This is a disaster!
163
00:06:57,110 --> 00:06:58,950
This guy? Look at her.
164
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,686
Him? And I hate to do this,
165
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:02,554
but I got to double back to my boy!
166
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,557
Guess I'm just gonna have
to count everyone myself.
167
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,425
Hayley:
Just the ones I don't get to, chump.
168
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,829
That's right.
Lazy Hayley joined the Census,
169
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:13,231
and now she's gonna crank some numbers.
170
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,034
Yeah, right.
You're gonna... crank numbers?
171
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,769
That sounds really cool.
172
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,038
I wish... I wish I said that.
173
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,507
I did say it.
174
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:22,774
Wow.
175
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,910
I'm the one who's gonna crank numbers.
176
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:27,312
You're not gonna crank shit, old man.
177
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:28,646
Old man?
178
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:29,915
Oh, ho, ho.
179
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,917
I'm gonna crank all sorts of numbers.
180
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,985
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna crank
your whole world.
181
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,987
I'm gonna crank it up,
I'm gonna crank it down.
182
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,389
I'm gonna crank it all around.
183
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:38,924
I'm gonna roast you
for Cranksgiving dinner
184
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:40,658
and then roll right into
Christmas with the Cranks!
185
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,728
Not gonna matter
'cause I'm the New York Crankees.
186
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:43,862
I'm Crank Aaron.
187
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:44,863
I'm Crank Azaria.
188
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:45,931
I'm Cranklin and Bash.
189
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,399
"Franklin & Bash" was canceled.
190
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:48,200
That's disappointing.
191
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:49,401
I know, I really liked it.
192
00:07:53,107 --> 00:07:54,906
- You shouldn't be here.
- You're just scared
193
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,975
because I'm gonna count so
many more people than you.
194
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,244
Please. You couldn't even count as many
195
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,579
as this lobotomized half-wit Jim here.
196
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:04,116
Jim, can you believe what
I have to deal with here?
197
00:08:04,118 --> 00:08:05,583
Jim, I've been calling you "Jim."
198
00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:06,852
Is that... Is that your name, Jim?
199
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,520
Now listen up.
200
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:11,389
During a Census,
things can get pretty hot and heavy
201
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,791
out on the streets.
202
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,593
Beautiful Americans will be
throwing themselves at you.
203
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:17,795
Now, I'm not saying
don't get your rocks off,
204
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,798
but here's a little piece of advice
205
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,867
I wish someone had given me, Tuttle,
206
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:25,003
before I juiced an entire city block.
207
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,806
Do not fall in love.
208
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:31,543
[Door creaks]
209
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,345
[Sighs] Great.
210
00:08:33,347 --> 00:08:35,347
Look what you dragged in
with you, Hayley.
211
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:36,414
Hello.
212
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,283
My doctor recommended I volunteer
213
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,153
to get over my crippling social anxiety.
214
00:08:41,155 --> 00:08:42,688
How's my eye contact?
215
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,256
Stan: Sit down!
216
00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:50,028
So, what are... what are you,
like a "Rain Man" shy guy?
217
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,363
Some kind of "Lovely Bones"?
218
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:52,698
Or are you just giving Jim here
219
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,700
a run for his money for
troglodyte of the year?
220
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,169
[Chuckles] You better go
tell the other bog people
221
00:08:57,171 --> 00:08:59,637
there's a new king of the creeps
in town, huh?
222
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,773
Jimbo! [Laughs]
223
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,176
[Pop music plays]
224
00:09:04,178 --> 00:09:05,711
Remember, gentlemen.
225
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,646
These pictures are to honor my
late uncle's incredible life.
226
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:10,648
Klaus, why are we dressed like flowers?
227
00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,118
Because you're in a flower pot, baby.
228
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,521
Doesn't some lady already
take photos like this,
229
00:09:15,523 --> 00:09:16,454
but with babies?
230
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,456
Are you referring to Anne Geddes?
231
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:20,726
Never heard of her,
and models don't talk!
232
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,194
[Snaps fingers]
233
00:09:22,196 --> 00:09:24,462
About that, when you said models,
234
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,264
we thought you meant something cool
235
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,266
like Abercrombie or Stussy.
236
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:29,935
Or model airplanes.
237
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,069
[Gasps]
238
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,604
Do you see this, Jurgen?
239
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,072
Yeah.
240
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,875
Uh, you know what?
Everyone get out. Take five.
241
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,410
Finally. Thank you.
242
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,945
- Except Barry.
- Wait, what?
243
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,348
All non-essentials please clear frame.
244
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:47,619
Now, Barry,
do you know what "Barry" is short for?
245
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:49,768
Barracuda, baby!
246
00:09:49,803 --> 00:09:52,290
Now bite me like the scary fish you are!
247
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,459
[Camera shutter clicking]
248
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,229
Okay, we're gonna run a
little training exercise
249
00:09:57,231 --> 00:09:59,164
to learn how to fill out forms.
250
00:09:59,643 --> 00:10:03,101
Hayley, why don't you knock
on this citizen's door?
251
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,570
Knock, knock.
252
00:10:05,770 --> 00:10:08,240
There's someone at your door,
Mr. Taffarelli.
253
00:10:08,242 --> 00:10:09,975
But I don't know who it is.
254
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,110
Maybe look who it is.
255
00:10:13,105 --> 00:10:14,312
It's a girl.
256
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:16,949
I'm gonna slide some taffy
through the doggy door.
257
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,219
Enough!
258
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,654
[Grunts] One!
259
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:25,057
That's how you count people.
Training's over.
260
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,992
[Robot voice] Initiate
people-counting robot.
261
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,460
No count Jim.
262
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,929
Jim equals subhuman garbage.
263
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:34,199
Lighten up, Jim. Just a robot joke.
264
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,602
[Normal voice] You should be dead, Jim.
265
00:10:36,604 --> 00:10:37,803
[Doorbell rings]
266
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,004
[Pen clicks]
267
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,205
How many people live here?
268
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,007
- Me and my mom.
- So two.
269
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,141
- My dad...
- Three.
270
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,209
- Died.
- Two.
271
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,011
You wasted my time a little bit.
272
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,545
Hi, I'm with the U.S. Census.
273
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,214
I just need a brief moment of your time.
274
00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,749
Of course. Come on in.
275
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:53,819
I was just about to make some tea.
276
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:54,886
I really can't.
277
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,488
I have a lot of houses to get to.
278
00:10:56,490 --> 00:11:00,125
I have some ancient
Clamatos I've been saving.
279
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:05,096
My name... is Wilbur.
280
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,433
Kentucky.
281
00:11:07,435 --> 00:11:09,167
Roger?
282
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,169
[Gulping]
283
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,840
Wow. You're really
packing away this Clamato.
284
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,574
Oh, yeah. So, it's just you
285
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:18,910
living in this beautiful old house?
286
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,499
Yep. Lived here 40 years.
287
00:11:21,534 --> 00:11:23,849
Seen a lot of people come and go.
288
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,651
You know, I could use some help.
289
00:11:25,653 --> 00:11:28,386
I knocked on the house two doors down,
but no one answered.
290
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,588
Oh, that's Shelly Vernicheck.
291
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,057
Sad, really.
292
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,660
Husband up and left her years ago.
293
00:11:34,662 --> 00:11:39,397
Now she sits at home playing
solitaire on her iPad.
294
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,667
She's internationally ranked
295
00:11:41,669 --> 00:11:45,937
as one of the loneliest
women in the world.
296
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:47,439
Biscotti?
297
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,009
Oh, hey, Hayley.
298
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,879
Quick update.
I'm just leaving my 15th house.
299
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,481
Probably a record... Googled it.
300
00:11:55,483 --> 00:11:57,549
But seems like people might
not be keeping records,
301
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,285
but safe to say my pace is historic.
302
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,021
Wow, that's a lot.
303
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,756
I spent all morning at one house.
304
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,291
Ha! No surprise.
305
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:10,095
My slug of a daughter slowly
sliming her way around town.
306
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,763
- Where...
- Don't touch salt.
307
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,366
I met a nice woman named Phyllis
308
00:12:14,368 --> 00:12:16,935
who gave me 20 other houses.
309
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,307
Whoa! That house looks cool.
310
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,642
Cool because I haven't counted it yet.
311
00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:28,446
[Laughs] I'ma count a bunch
of mother[bleep] in here.
312
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,648
[Doorbell rings]
313
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:31,983
[Door creaks]
314
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:35,253
Stan Smith, Census enumerator.
Prepare to be counted.
315
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:36,955
[Grunts]
316
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:48,700
Hey, Mr. Tuttle.
317
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:50,035
Here are my forms from yesterday.
318
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,770
I got 25 houses.
319
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,905
25? Wow!
320
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,574
That's the best anybody did.
321
00:12:55,576 --> 00:12:57,066
So I beat my dad?
322
00:12:57,101 --> 00:12:59,178
Yeah. By 25, to be exact.
323
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:00,779
[Laughs] I'm being playful.
324
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,114
He didn't turn anything in.
Never even came back.
325
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,650
And he wasn't at home. Weird.
326
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,520
What's weird is that I've
been rocking in the corner
327
00:13:08,522 --> 00:13:10,655
for six hours and no
one's said a word to me.
328
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,591
Well, when we try to talk to you,
329
00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:15,660
you just start screaming and
punching yourself in the...
330
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:18,731
[Screaming]
331
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,467
[Groans] Where am I?
332
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,069
In the pit!
333
00:13:24,566 --> 00:13:25,804
Are we prisoners here?
334
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:26,805
Yep!
335
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:31,010
[Dramatic tones play]
336
00:13:31,012 --> 00:13:33,712
My name's Kevin!
Let me give you the tour.
337
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:37,482
Okay, did you look everywhere I looked?
338
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,484
Then you must've seen
this handsome gent.
339
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:42,954
That's Robbie,
and you just missed Rich and Carl.
340
00:13:43,641 --> 00:13:45,224
Robbie's grumpy 'cause we have to poop
341
00:13:45,226 --> 00:13:47,092
in that smaller pit over there,
342
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:51,230
but I stay positive,
probably 'cause this isn't my first pit.
343
00:13:51,232 --> 00:13:53,632
I was imprisoned in Madison,
Indiana, once.
344
00:13:53,634 --> 00:13:56,367
Beautiful Craftsman, huge porch.
345
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,303
Of course I wasn't
allowed up on the porch,
346
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,239
but I saw it when I was
carried out in a blanket.
347
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:01,640
Who did this to you?
348
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:03,406
That would be the master.
349
00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:04,375
Who's the master?
350
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,712
The master's the psycho who
just skinned Rich and Carl.
351
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:08,513
Skinned?
352
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,471
Same way we're gonna be.
353
00:14:10,506 --> 00:14:14,060
Robbie, don't you realize when
you're at the bottom of a pit,
354
00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:16,521
there's nowhere to go...
except for the punishment shed...
355
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,789
but up?
356
00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:19,057
[Pop music plays]
357
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,792
Klaus: Yes, yes, Barry!
358
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:22,661
You're a delicious cabbage.
359
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:23,795
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
360
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:26,197
I want to ferment you and make kimchi!
361
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,735
Not to sound catty,
but don't you hate the way Barry looks?
362
00:14:29,737 --> 00:14:32,071
Yeah, he's our ugliest friend, easy.
363
00:14:32,073 --> 00:14:34,205
I want to shred you up real good
364
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,475
and spread you over some fish tacos.
365
00:14:36,477 --> 00:14:39,078
Is there anything you can't be?
366
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,079
I don't know. A carrot?
367
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,749
Are you kidding me?
You would be the best carrot.
368
00:14:43,751 --> 00:14:46,151
Steve, get out of that carrot costume!
369
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,953
Kiss-ass bitch.
370
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,554
Surprised Barry can even talk
371
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,624
with Klaus' [bleep] in his mouth.
372
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:55,494
I'm so sorry to bother you,
but I'm looking for my dad.
373
00:14:55,496 --> 00:14:58,096
He was out late last
night working in the area,
374
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,230
and he never came home.
375
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,365
Never seen him before.
376
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,434
Hmm. Maybe your wife has?
377
00:15:02,436 --> 00:15:05,370
Maybe my husband has.
378
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,572
Of course. Could I speak with him?
379
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:11,176
I wish! He just up and left me
a month ago, not even a note.
380
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,780
God, did you have to bring him up?!
381
00:15:14,782 --> 00:15:17,382
Husband just up and left.
382
00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:19,250
Like Shelly Vernicheck!
383
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,186
Oh, glad you're excited.
384
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:24,323
Well, every day is agony for me!
385
00:15:24,325 --> 00:15:25,991
I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...
386
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:28,860
Oh, don't you dare pity me.
387
00:15:28,862 --> 00:15:32,597
I'll show you! I'll find another man!
388
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,934
I haven't even begun looking in earnest,
but guess what...
389
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,337
Now it begins!
390
00:15:38,339 --> 00:15:41,272
I am going to have sex tonight
391
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:45,344
on the outdoor dance
floor at the Blue Rooster!
392
00:15:45,346 --> 00:15:48,013
Next to the smoking area.
393
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,748
[Laughs maniacally]
394
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:52,017
I'm back, baby!
395
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:55,354
♪♪
396
00:15:55,356 --> 00:15:58,690
♪♪
397
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:01,360
It's not just Shelly Vernicheck.
398
00:16:01,362 --> 00:16:03,695
Lots of the women, and men,
399
00:16:03,697 --> 00:16:05,964
I talked to have had
their husbands go missing.
400
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,966
[Dramatic tone plays]
401
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:11,236
I did think it was
strange when Jasper left.
402
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,771
We were best friends.
403
00:16:12,773 --> 00:16:14,840
I thought he would've
at least left a note.
404
00:16:14,842 --> 00:16:16,041
Ma'am, ma'am?
405
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,510
You know,
you should talk to Darlene McKinnon.
406
00:16:18,512 --> 00:16:20,312
Same thing happened to her.
407
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,715
Man, first Jasper, now this.
408
00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:26,185
The hits just keep on coming.
409
00:16:26,187 --> 00:16:28,319
[Dramatic tone plays]
410
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,122
Yeah, that S.O.B. up and left me,
so what?
411
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,658
Just gives me more time to golf anyway.
412
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:36,928
I'm a lady golfer.
That is what I enjoy doing.
413
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:40,465
By the way, same thing happened
to my buddy Joanne Graves.
414
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,467
She lives at 20 Poplar Avenue.
415
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:46,405
Usually gets home around, uh, 2:46 p.m.
416
00:16:46,407 --> 00:16:48,674
[Dramatic tone plays]
417
00:16:49,743 --> 00:16:51,142
[Brakes squeal]
418
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,677
- Excuse me.
- Aah!
419
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,812
Did your husband leave you?
420
00:16:53,814 --> 00:16:55,747
Yes, why? Do you know something?
421
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,416
Have you heard from him?!
422
00:16:57,418 --> 00:17:00,352
Sorry, I can't talk.
I have to go put a pin in a map.
423
00:17:02,223 --> 00:17:06,691
There's a pattern here. But what?
424
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,427
Must be a pretty special house
425
00:17:08,429 --> 00:17:11,029
to have all those arrows pointing at it.
426
00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,764
[Gasps]
427
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:15,300
You know,
your father shaves his pubic hair
428
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:16,701
in the shape of an arrow.
429
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,703
Oh, I did it again.
430
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,840
I said something helpful,
and I went past it.
431
00:17:21,842 --> 00:17:23,508
[Knock on door]
432
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,376
What can you tell me about that house?
433
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,445
Which house?
434
00:17:26,447 --> 00:17:28,047
That weird house on the hill.
435
00:17:28,049 --> 00:17:30,181
My dad is missing,
and I think it has something to do
436
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,651
with that house, but I knocked
on the door and no one answered,
437
00:17:32,653 --> 00:17:34,986
and you know everything about
the neighborhood and I just...
438
00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:37,923
Honey, take a breath. Come inside, dear.
439
00:17:37,925 --> 00:17:42,361
I'll fix you a Clamato,
and we'll figure this out together.
440
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,735
Phyllis, didn't you say you
were the only one living here?
441
00:17:49,737 --> 00:17:50,936
That's right.
442
00:17:50,938 --> 00:17:55,006
Then why do you have two
hats on your coat rack?
443
00:17:55,008 --> 00:17:58,477
And blueprints for a man skin-suit?
444
00:17:58,479 --> 00:18:01,012
♪♪
445
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:01,947
[Thunk, thud]
446
00:18:01,949 --> 00:18:05,083
I can't have two hats?
447
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:08,287
[Pop music plays]
448
00:18:08,289 --> 00:18:12,557
I feel like I've seen something
like this done before.
449
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:13,959
No, no, it's all original.
450
00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:16,561
These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry.
451
00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:17,963
Can you lean in a little?
452
00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:20,565
I want to match the
image I have in my mind.
453
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,935
What a shutter slut.
454
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:27,706
You're right, Tosh.
455
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:29,774
Barry is a fat, talentless whore.
456
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,443
But don't worry, he's about to get his.
457
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,513
Let's just say I made a couple calls.
458
00:18:34,515 --> 00:18:35,814
[Pounding on door]
459
00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:41,252
Oh, no, it's Anne Geddes!
Jurgen, protect me!
460
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:42,521
[Sniffs]
461
00:18:42,523 --> 00:18:46,457
[Deep voice] I smell
copyright infringement.
462
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,593
Anne, Anne, please!
463
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:51,262
We'll give you a 10% licensing fee!
464
00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,898
Not enough!
465
00:18:55,936 --> 00:18:59,805
[Screaming]
466
00:18:59,807 --> 00:19:03,474
Don't hurt me, Anne Geddes!
I'm just a baby!
467
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,463
You forgot one thing.
468
00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:08,514
I hate babies!
469
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,282
[All gasp]
470
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,218
[Barry screaming]
471
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,686
[Anne grunting]
472
00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:16,221
[Crashing]
473
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:19,758
Phyllis: ♪ You say Clamato,
I say Clam-ah-to ♪
474
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,660
♪ Clamato, Clam-ah-to ♪
475
00:19:21,762 --> 00:19:23,829
♪ Clamato, Clam-ah-to ♪
476
00:19:23,831 --> 00:19:26,932
♪ Let's take the whole skin off ♪
477
00:19:28,169 --> 00:19:29,368
Where am I?
478
00:19:29,370 --> 00:19:31,036
Hayley, you're awake.
479
00:19:31,757 --> 00:19:33,438
I'm sorry I was so rough on you.
480
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,175
Well, I may have gotten
a little competitive
481
00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:39,578
and tried to ruin your
strange love of the Census.
482
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:42,247
It's not strange,
and Francine loves it more than I do.
483
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,716
Between you and me,
I think she takes it a little too far.
484
00:19:44,718 --> 00:19:46,651
Well, we're together now.
485
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:49,320
Yeah, dying in a pit with
a really annoying guy.
486
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:50,455
Named Kevin.
487
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,457
[Footsteps approaching]
488
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:53,992
Oh, no, she's back.
489
00:19:53,994 --> 00:19:56,195
She's gonna turn my
nipples into buttons.
490
00:19:56,197 --> 00:19:58,864
All that time we spent counting people
491
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:02,401
we should've spent with
the people that count.
492
00:20:03,682 --> 00:20:05,270
Ice-T: Damn, that's poetic.
493
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,405
What up, Hayley?
494
00:20:06,407 --> 00:20:07,672
- Ice-T?!
- Ice-T?!
495
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,541
I got worried when you didn't respond
496
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:12,143
to an interesting text
I sent you about sharks.
497
00:20:12,145 --> 00:20:14,679
Used my TV detective skills to find you,
498
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,215
and it's a good thing, too.
499
00:20:17,024 --> 00:20:19,951
Sick old lady was gonna
turn you into a skin suit.
500
00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:22,554
Was working on a whole
skin suit wardrobe.
501
00:20:22,556 --> 00:20:24,489
Skin blouse, skin slacks,
502
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:27,358
and a pair of skin sunglasses
she couldn't even see out of.
503
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,760
Fly as hell, though.
504
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,629
Tried them on after I
kicked her to death.
505
00:20:30,631 --> 00:20:33,232
Dad, I know we're not competing anymore,
506
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:34,499
but... my friend!
507
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,167
I saved us!
508
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:39,170
Stan, there's also
the matter of the clarinet.
509
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,705
The clarinet, of course!
510
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:41,907
So you're mainly here for me!
511
00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,909
- I'm the hero!
- Kevin: Good job, Stan!
512
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:46,778
Thanks, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, have you met Ice-T?
513
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:48,847
Oh, my God, Ice-T!
514
00:20:48,849 --> 00:20:53,118
I just got to say "Cop Killer"
is my absolutely favorite song.
515
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:55,254
It got me through boarding school.
516
00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:58,323
Boarding school is corny.
517
00:20:58,325 --> 00:20:59,992
Bye-bye! See you soon.
518
00:21:00,636 --> 00:21:02,693
Synced and corrected by sot26 -
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