1
00:00:02,554 --> 00:00:05,288
So there I am,
Staples parking lot is full.
2
00:00:05,290 --> 00:00:06,857
I'm talking zero open spots.
3
00:00:06,859 --> 00:00:09,726
Game over, right?
No graft paper for Stan?
4
00:00:09,728 --> 00:00:11,962
Well, I see a woman by a minivan.
5
00:00:11,964 --> 00:00:13,930
Is she loading her kid
in or taking him out?
6
00:00:13,932 --> 00:00:16,967
20 minutes later,
the person next to her pulls out,
7
00:00:16,969 --> 00:00:20,837
and that's how I came to find
my parking spot at Staples.
8
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:24,875
Is it over? Is the story actually over?
9
00:00:24,877 --> 00:00:25,842
Yes.
10
00:00:25,844 --> 00:00:27,811
Okay, then I have a sick story.
11
00:00:27,813 --> 00:00:29,412
You know that machine
gun I found on the roof?
12
00:00:29,414 --> 00:00:30,814
But with an interesting addendum.
13
00:00:30,816 --> 00:00:33,984
When I came out of Staples,
the minivan was gone.
14
00:00:33,986 --> 00:00:36,486
Honey, when you say your story's over,
15
00:00:36,488 --> 00:00:38,288
it's not fair to keep going.
16
00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:39,556
What's going on?
17
00:00:39,558 --> 00:00:41,091
I take 20 minutes of my time,
18
00:00:41,093 --> 00:00:43,393
give you a solid-gold parking-lot story
19
00:00:43,395 --> 00:00:44,928
and your jaws aren't on the floor?
20
00:00:44,930 --> 00:00:46,329
Your stories are boring, Dad.
21
00:00:46,331 --> 00:00:47,597
You're boring.
22
00:00:47,599 --> 00:00:49,132
Ouch. I get it.
23
00:00:49,134 --> 00:00:50,600
You didn't like hearing that story,
24
00:00:50,602 --> 00:00:52,769
but you're gonna love
seeing it in pictures.
25
00:00:52,771 --> 00:00:54,938
I actually took a photo
of that parking spot.
26
00:00:54,940 --> 00:00:56,773
You guys are gonna go bonkers over this.
27
00:00:56,775 --> 00:00:58,842
I can't build this up enough.
28
00:01:00,913 --> 00:01:02,012
You're in luck.
29
00:01:02,014 --> 00:01:03,380
I must have accidentally
hit the burst mode
30
00:01:03,382 --> 00:01:06,616
and taken thousands of photos.
31
00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:09,452
You guys hate my stories this much?
32
00:01:09,454 --> 00:01:13,189
[Floor creaking]
33
00:01:13,191 --> 00:01:14,391
[Gasps]
34
00:01:14,393 --> 00:01:16,760
[Ominous music plays]
35
00:01:16,762 --> 00:01:20,497
But I was just getting to
the Shyamalanian twist.
36
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,234
Turns out it was a CVS parking lot...
37
00:01:24,236 --> 00:01:26,469
[Knocking]
38
00:01:26,471 --> 00:01:28,772
And I wasn't allowed to park there.
39
00:01:32,577 --> 00:01:34,444
Where did it go? I can't see it.
40
00:01:34,446 --> 00:01:36,313
I can't see it!
41
00:01:36,315 --> 00:01:37,414
There it is.
42
00:01:37,416 --> 00:01:41,451
[Screaming]
43
00:01:41,453 --> 00:01:45,355
[Screaming continues]
44
00:01:45,357 --> 00:01:46,823
[Electricity crackles]
45
00:01:46,825 --> 00:01:47,391
[Groaning]
46
00:01:47,447 --> 00:01:50,727
Don't you see how hurtful
this is to me, Steve?
47
00:01:53,365 --> 00:01:56,232
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
48
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:59,903
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
49
00:01:59,905 --> 00:02:02,439
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
50
00:02:02,441 --> 00:02:06,776
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
51
00:02:08,914 --> 00:02:12,282
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
52
00:02:12,284 --> 00:02:14,884
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
53
00:02:14,886 --> 00:02:16,086
Aah!
54
00:02:17,356 --> 00:02:20,590
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
55
00:02:22,561 --> 00:02:23,793
Can you believe that?
56
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,695
My family would rather
hide under the house
57
00:02:25,697 --> 00:02:28,431
and get tased over and over
than listen to my stories.
58
00:02:28,433 --> 00:02:29,966
That's ridiculous.
59
00:02:29,968 --> 00:02:31,534
I tell great stories, right?
60
00:02:31,536 --> 00:02:34,070
Oh, yeah, top notch.
61
00:02:34,072 --> 00:02:35,505
[Gunshot]
62
00:02:35,507 --> 00:02:38,987
Dick, did you just deafen yourself
to avoid listening to my story?
63
00:02:39,045 --> 00:02:41,678
Uh... I had Thai yesterday.
64
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,646
How about Mexican?
65
00:02:43,648 --> 00:02:46,182
Hey, Stan. Bullock needs to see you.
66
00:02:46,184 --> 00:02:47,484
And I need to see you.
67
00:02:47,486 --> 00:02:51,154
What did I tell you about
shooting my trash cans?
68
00:02:51,156 --> 00:02:53,614
Sorry, janitor.
69
00:02:54,726 --> 00:02:55,501
Smith.
70
00:02:55,561 --> 00:02:57,827
I'm just getting ready for
my vacation off the coast
71
00:02:57,829 --> 00:03:00,797
on Central America to Headonism III.
72
00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:04,300
Sweet, flying solo to an
island full of swingers.
73
00:03:04,302 --> 00:03:05,602
Hell yeah!
74
00:03:05,604 --> 00:03:06,870
The grippin' and the slurpin'.
75
00:03:06,972 --> 00:03:08,705
The grippin' and the slurpin'.
76
00:03:08,707 --> 00:03:10,607
Yeah, yeah, get it!
77
00:03:10,609 --> 00:03:12,509
Get it!
78
00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,944
Uh!
79
00:03:14,946 --> 00:03:18,681
Now, I'll need you to do
me a favor while I'm gone.
80
00:03:18,683 --> 00:03:21,818
I need you to teach my
class at the C.I.A. Academy.
81
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,653
Although, it won't be easy.
82
00:03:23,655 --> 00:03:25,755
My students are quite fond of me.
83
00:03:25,757 --> 00:03:28,391
They call me Professor X.
84
00:03:28,393 --> 00:03:29,759
Because you look exactly like...
85
00:03:29,761 --> 00:03:32,729
Because I'm always trying
to sell them Ecstasy.
86
00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:37,600
Thanks for saving me an
extra-dry hot dog, Chet.
87
00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:38,968
- Get ready.
- Aw, here we come.
88
00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:40,336
- Prepare yourself for greatness.
- Yo, yo, yo.
89
00:03:40,338 --> 00:03:41,638
- What's that?
- Check it out.
90
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,007
Your style's weak. Your arms are whack.
91
00:03:44,009 --> 00:03:47,077
Only good thing about you
is your sister's rack.
92
00:03:47,079 --> 00:03:48,445
Oh, got him!
93
00:03:48,447 --> 00:03:50,346
Oh, yeah, he did.
94
00:03:50,348 --> 00:03:51,748
- Oh, he brought it.
- Yeah.
95
00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:54,050
You hooked up with my sister
and I ain't even pissed
96
00:03:54,052 --> 00:03:56,319
because that's my sloppy seconds, bro.
97
00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:58,455
I taught her how to kiss.
98
00:03:58,457 --> 00:04:00,590
Damn! Bringing the pain!
99
00:04:00,592 --> 00:04:02,158
- Oh!
- That's hot!
100
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:02,933
Burned him!
101
00:04:03,029 --> 00:04:05,295
This guy kissed his sister
and thinks he's all manly.
102
00:04:05,297 --> 00:04:07,797
Well, guess what?
I've banged everybody in my family.
103
00:04:07,799 --> 00:04:10,934
This dragon is spitting fire!
104
00:04:10,936 --> 00:04:14,337
- Murdered him!
- Bring it, dawg. Bring it.
105
00:04:14,339 --> 00:04:16,673
- It's Juicy Lou.
- The King of Rap!
106
00:04:16,675 --> 00:04:19,209
Sweet, I found
a triple-A battery in my hot dog.
107
00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:22,745
I watched that whole battle and
one of you really impressed me.
108
00:04:22,747 --> 00:04:24,514
Not you two, you're terrible.
109
00:04:24,516 --> 00:04:27,250
I'm talking about the fish.
110
00:04:27,252 --> 00:04:29,419
But I didn't hip-hop.
111
00:04:29,421 --> 00:04:32,622
In fact, I was just about to file
a racially charged noise complaint.
112
00:04:32,624 --> 00:04:35,125
Oh, you're no rapper,
but you've got what it takes
113
00:04:35,127 --> 00:04:36,559
to be a great hype man.
114
00:04:36,561 --> 00:04:37,274
A what?
115
00:04:37,329 --> 00:04:41,097
Every MC has a hype man,
someone to cheer them on,
116
00:04:41,099 --> 00:04:43,666
pump up the crowd and guess what?
117
00:04:43,668 --> 00:04:46,870
I got a concert at the
Shark's Nest tonight.
118
00:04:46,872 --> 00:04:49,639
Are you asking for a ride?
119
00:04:49,641 --> 00:04:51,708
Hell no. I got tons of cars.
120
00:04:51,710 --> 00:04:54,444
I'm giving you the
opportunity of a lifetime,
121
00:04:54,446 --> 00:04:57,514
the chance to be my hype man.
122
00:04:57,516 --> 00:04:59,215
- I'll do it!
- Great.
123
00:04:59,217 --> 00:05:01,649
Now that that's settled,
I actually do need a ride.
124
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,988
I got mad cars, but I also got mad DUls.
125
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,382
All we ask is you do your best
to inspire our future agents.
126
00:05:11,384 --> 00:05:13,417
I don't know if this
is a good fit for me.
127
00:05:13,419 --> 00:05:15,319
People don't really like
to listen to me talk.
128
00:05:15,321 --> 00:05:16,787
Tell me, Agent Smith, how old are you?
129
00:05:16,789 --> 00:05:18,589
- 65? 70?
- I'm 40.
130
00:05:18,591 --> 00:05:19,924
My point is I'm 73
131
00:05:19,926 --> 00:05:21,292
and I'm the most jacked
man at the academy.
132
00:05:21,294 --> 00:05:23,694
Go ahead, try to fit
your hand around my arm.
133
00:05:23,696 --> 00:05:25,963
Come on, try. Boom!
134
00:05:25,965 --> 00:05:27,298
How often do you think I work out?
135
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:28,666
I don't know, a lot?
136
00:05:28,668 --> 00:05:30,968
The answer is never,
not a day in my life.
137
00:05:30,970 --> 00:05:33,237
I willed my body to look like this.
138
00:05:33,239 --> 00:05:34,772
That's how powerful I am.
139
00:05:34,774 --> 00:05:35,973
Never forget that.
140
00:05:35,975 --> 00:05:37,875
Anyway, this is your class.
141
00:05:37,877 --> 00:05:41,145
Don't let us down.
142
00:05:41,147 --> 00:05:45,283
I can carry those huge bags of
dog food like they're nothing.
143
00:05:46,486 --> 00:05:50,187
Hey, guys, I'm gonna be teaching
your class for a few days.
144
00:05:50,189 --> 00:05:53,658
Not sure what I'm supposed to say
or how to make it interesting,
145
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,193
so I'm just gonna pop in "Spy Kids 3D."
146
00:05:56,195 --> 00:05:58,829
For what it's worth,
my favorite character is Juni.
147
00:05:58,831 --> 00:06:01,766
Just to be clear, how do you spell Juni?
148
00:06:01,768 --> 00:06:04,168
A great and controversial question.
149
00:06:04,170 --> 00:06:06,103
It appears one way in the credits
150
00:06:06,105 --> 00:06:07,805
and another on the Wiki page,
151
00:06:07,807 --> 00:06:10,141
of which I am the sole contributor.
152
00:06:10,143 --> 00:06:12,777
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Taking notes.
153
00:06:12,779 --> 00:06:14,390
- Are you making fun of me?
- No.
154
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,814
I'm just assuming anything
you say could be on the test
155
00:06:16,816 --> 00:06:18,583
and we need to know.
156
00:06:18,585 --> 00:06:20,384
Um, yes.
157
00:06:20,386 --> 00:06:23,354
Everything I say is super important.
158
00:06:23,356 --> 00:06:26,190
Back to "Spy Kids 3D,"
how about the casting?
159
00:06:26,192 --> 00:06:30,595
Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin,
and peep this, Monkaphiliacs,
160
00:06:30,597 --> 00:06:33,431
it's your boy Tony Tony Tony Shalhoub!
161
00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:34,732
Can you repeat the list?
162
00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:36,701
I want to make sure I didn't miss any.
163
00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:38,736
They're hanging on my every word.
164
00:06:38,738 --> 00:06:40,075
I feel so alive.
165
00:06:41,341 --> 00:06:49,246
♪
166
00:06:49,248 --> 00:06:51,916
[Cellphone chimes]
167
00:06:51,918 --> 00:06:54,085
"I'll be back to teach tomorrow.
168
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:57,421
I got kicked out for not
jerking it in the steam room."
169
00:06:57,423 --> 00:06:59,624
Damn it. I can't lose my class.
170
00:07:02,195 --> 00:07:05,396
♪
171
00:07:05,398 --> 00:07:07,198
[Cheers and applause]
172
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,001
♪ And when it comes to girls,
I got the magic potion ♪
173
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:14,405
♪ If money was salt,
I'd be the Indian Ocean ♪
174
00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:17,241
[Cheers and applause]
175
00:07:17,243 --> 00:07:19,210
[Cheers and applause dies down]
176
00:07:21,314 --> 00:07:23,247
Come on, fish.
It's time to get them hyped.
177
00:07:23,249 --> 00:07:25,282
But I don't know what I'm doing!
178
00:07:25,284 --> 00:07:27,218
I'm just a guy who likes to eat at 7-11
179
00:07:27,220 --> 00:07:29,854
and read the pornography
there until I'm asked to stop.
180
00:07:29,856 --> 00:07:32,957
You got this.
Just follow your instincts. Trust me.
181
00:07:39,465 --> 00:07:44,435
Make some noise if you
high as [bleep] right now!
182
00:07:44,437 --> 00:07:47,338
[Cheers and applause]
183
00:07:49,055 --> 00:07:50,411
Don't worry, gang.
184
00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:53,644
I've been kicked out of better
sex resorts than this one.
185
00:07:53,646 --> 00:07:56,647
Well, if not better, at least worst.
186
00:07:56,649 --> 00:07:59,984
[Air horn blows]
187
00:07:59,986 --> 00:08:02,953
[Effeminate Southern accent]
Hi, gentlemen, all aboard.
188
00:08:02,955 --> 00:08:06,090
That's right,
your ferryman has an unexpected
189
00:08:06,092 --> 00:08:08,426
effeminate Southern accent.
190
00:08:08,428 --> 00:08:09,994
Now, don't be shy, y'all.
191
00:08:09,996 --> 00:08:13,297
The last one up the
gangplank is a rotten egg.
192
00:08:16,936 --> 00:08:19,403
That was the only ferry off the island.
193
00:08:19,405 --> 00:08:21,405
We're trapped!
194
00:08:21,407 --> 00:08:24,008
We're trapped.
195
00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:26,343
[Moaning]
196
00:08:31,951 --> 00:08:37,121
Good news, class, from here on out,
I'll be your teacher indefinitely.
197
00:08:37,123 --> 00:08:38,756
Will you be holding office hours?
198
00:08:38,758 --> 00:08:40,057
Definitely.
199
00:08:40,059 --> 00:08:41,926
Sorry, got stuck in third gear there.
200
00:08:41,928 --> 00:08:45,062
Office hours are from
[sinister voice] 5:00 to 7:00.
201
00:08:45,064 --> 00:08:47,798
[Normal voice] Damn,
can't quite seem to shake it.
202
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,233
Where the hell did I get this?
203
00:08:49,235 --> 00:08:51,001
Okay, everyone, [sinister voice] take 5.
204
00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:52,303
[Normal voice] Okay, for real,
205
00:08:52,305 --> 00:08:53,404
[sinister voice] what's happening to me?
206
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:55,741
[Normal] I am legitimately
[sinister] terrified.
207
00:08:55,875 --> 00:08:58,809
[Normal] I think this might
be a [sinister] gluten thing.
208
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:05,370
What is the perfect temperature
to set your home thermostat to?
209
00:09:05,372 --> 00:09:07,038
All: 74 degrees!
210
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,574
Texas, what was the best thing
that happened to me last week?
211
00:09:09,576 --> 00:09:11,643
Sir, you watched "Addams Family Values"
212
00:09:11,645 --> 00:09:14,379
from start to finish at Best Buy, sir!
213
00:09:14,381 --> 00:09:15,814
Roger: Stop right there.
214
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:19,918
What kind of mashugana curriculum
is being taught here? Opa!
215
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,487
And who, goddamnit, who are you?
216
00:09:22,489 --> 00:09:25,924
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.
Half-Greek, half-Jewish,
217
00:09:25,926 --> 00:09:28,793
all overprotective mother to my son,
Demetri, here.
218
00:09:28,795 --> 00:09:31,229
Mom, we talked about boundaries.
219
00:09:31,231 --> 00:09:34,232
And I told you my heart knows none.
220
00:09:34,234 --> 00:09:35,600
Okay, everyone is dismissed
221
00:09:35,602 --> 00:09:39,304
except for Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.
222
00:09:40,407 --> 00:09:41,393
What the hell are you doing?
223
00:09:41,441 --> 00:09:43,741
I'm doing the only
thing I know how to do
224
00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:46,144
and that's love the boy I've brainwashed
225
00:09:46,146 --> 00:09:48,947
into believing he's my
son with all my heart,
226
00:09:48,949 --> 00:09:53,184
so you better start teaching
what's-his-face for real.
227
00:09:53,186 --> 00:09:54,652
Spanako-peeta?
228
00:09:54,654 --> 00:09:56,788
I keep them loose in my purse.
229
00:09:56,790 --> 00:10:00,225
I don't know a lot about Greek culture.
230
00:10:00,227 --> 00:10:02,560
[Cheers and applause]
231
00:10:02,562 --> 00:10:03,995
Thank you, Toronto!
232
00:10:03,997 --> 00:10:05,396
You been fly as hell!
233
00:10:05,398 --> 00:10:07,365
If you fixing to get hard tonight,
234
00:10:07,367 --> 00:10:10,168
let me hear you say "Yah-aaah"!
235
00:10:10,170 --> 00:10:13,071
[Cheers and applause]
236
00:10:13,073 --> 00:10:15,573
Klaus,
I'm from Minimum Security Records.
237
00:10:15,575 --> 00:10:18,877
I got to say,
you have a real stage presence.
238
00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,211
Yeah, no shit.
239
00:10:20,213 --> 00:10:22,480
Ever thought about going
solo and rapping yourself,
240
00:10:22,482 --> 00:10:24,749
you know, being the guy?
241
00:10:24,751 --> 00:10:27,519
Nice try, clown,
but I'll stop you right there.
242
00:10:27,521 --> 00:10:28,820
I know the stories.
243
00:10:28,822 --> 00:10:32,090
A lot of great hype men lost
it all because they got greedy.
244
00:10:32,092 --> 00:10:33,358
Well, not me.
245
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,859
I got a good thing going with Juicy Lou,
246
00:10:34,861 --> 00:10:36,961
so keep walking, dickhead.
247
00:10:36,963 --> 00:10:38,129
Had to ask.
248
00:10:38,131 --> 00:10:41,099
Some guys want to be
the man with the money,
249
00:10:41,101 --> 00:10:44,235
the cars,
all them thick Puerto Rican girls.
250
00:10:44,237 --> 00:10:46,504
Wait, how thick?
251
00:10:46,506 --> 00:10:48,773
Screw Juicy Lou trying to hold me back.
252
00:10:48,775 --> 00:10:51,776
Lou is washed up. It's your time, papi.
253
00:10:51,778 --> 00:10:54,512
Thanks, baby.
How you liking them plantains?
254
00:10:54,514 --> 00:10:57,682
- They sweet enough?
- Eh, they okay.
255
00:10:57,684 --> 00:11:00,385
Get the [bleep] out of here!
256
00:11:00,387 --> 00:11:02,053
All right. I'm feeling it.
257
00:11:02,055 --> 00:11:04,622
Doobie, lay this down for me.
258
00:11:04,624 --> 00:11:07,284
This track goes out to all
my dawgs holding it down
259
00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:09,627
in East Chimdale, yeah, yeah.
260
00:11:09,629 --> 00:11:12,830
Especially Skeet and Big
Calvin at Route 9 Pep Boys
261
00:11:12,832 --> 00:11:16,301
and Skeet's wife, Janice,
also repping Pep Boys.
262
00:11:16,303 --> 00:11:18,069
2018, y'all.
263
00:11:18,909 --> 00:11:22,240
That was so good.
Makes me want to dance.
264
00:11:22,242 --> 00:11:24,175
Steve: Whoa, this is awesome.
265
00:11:24,177 --> 00:11:25,843
Thanks, Steve. See you later.
266
00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:26,845
What?
267
00:11:27,781 --> 00:11:29,280
He called me.
268
00:11:29,282 --> 00:11:31,716
He asked me to come down here.
269
00:11:31,718 --> 00:11:33,017
Why?
270
00:11:34,788 --> 00:11:37,789
Is this where we're gonna
do our training jump?
271
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:41,893
No, this is the parking lot from
my famous parking-spot story.
272
00:11:41,895 --> 00:11:43,761
I thought seeing it from above
273
00:11:43,763 --> 00:11:46,798
could help you cadets see how
insane the whole thing was
274
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,566
and how stupid my family is.
275
00:11:48,568 --> 00:11:50,768
Is there a way to turn down
the noise on this thing?
276
00:11:50,770 --> 00:11:53,938
The noise is what's
keeping us in the air.
277
00:12:02,249 --> 00:12:04,182
- Dean.
- Professor Smith,
278
00:12:04,184 --> 00:12:06,951
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis is concerned
you aren't teaching her son anything.
279
00:12:06,953 --> 00:12:08,286
Thank you, sexy dean.
280
00:12:08,288 --> 00:12:09,322
He's a fraud.
281
00:12:09,356 --> 00:12:13,358
I was helping little Demetri with
his C.I.A. flashcards last night.
282
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,627
What is Professor
Smith's favorite animal?
283
00:12:15,629 --> 00:12:17,695
Spider monkeys rule
forever times infinity.
284
00:12:17,697 --> 00:12:20,665
Oy vey, or as us Greek people say,
285
00:12:20,667 --> 00:12:22,800
I smell some funky hummus.
286
00:12:22,802 --> 00:12:25,270
What the hell, Smith?
Midterms are in 2 days.
287
00:12:25,272 --> 00:12:26,771
If your students don't pass,
288
00:12:26,773 --> 00:12:29,741
I will personally use
my 73-year-old pythons
289
00:12:29,743 --> 00:12:32,076
to throw you from the academy roof!
290
00:12:32,078 --> 00:12:34,379
Can you agree to those terms,
Mrs. Weinsteinopolis?
291
00:12:34,381 --> 00:12:36,614
I can. Demetri, get out of that thing.
292
00:12:36,616 --> 00:12:39,083
You too good for mama's
helicopter rides now?
293
00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,151
Mom, not in front of the...
294
00:12:40,153 --> 00:12:43,588
Get over here! Get!
295
00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:45,223
Who's my little pilot?
296
00:12:45,225 --> 00:12:46,457
[Groans]
297
00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:48,760
[Imitating helicopter]
298
00:12:48,762 --> 00:12:50,828
[Groaning]
299
00:12:52,899 --> 00:12:56,067
Tomorrow is the marksman
section of the midterm.
300
00:12:56,069 --> 00:12:58,970
If only there was some way
to manipulate their bullets
301
00:12:58,972 --> 00:13:00,238
to hit the targets.
302
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:04,742
Perhaps using the attracting
properties of metals.
303
00:13:04,744 --> 00:13:06,144
- That's it!
304
00:13:06,146 --> 00:13:07,612
WKRBAL!
305
00:13:07,614 --> 00:13:10,048
Damn it, that's not a thing.
306
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:11,249
That's it!
307
00:13:11,251 --> 00:13:13,284
[Gunfire]
308
00:13:16,823 --> 00:13:20,591
Got to be a way to rig the written test.
309
00:13:20,593 --> 00:13:23,961
That's it! Magnets!
310
00:13:23,963 --> 00:13:29,701
♪
311
00:13:29,703 --> 00:13:33,104
Last section tomorrow,
the obstacle course,
312
00:13:33,106 --> 00:13:34,405
how do I get them through...
313
00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:35,940
[Bleep] it, let's stick with magnets.
314
00:13:35,942 --> 00:13:43,942
♪
315
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:54,820
♪
316
00:13:55,261 --> 00:13:57,283
♪
317
00:13:57,284 --> 00:13:58,774
- ♪
318
00:13:58,809 --> 00:14:00,509
♪
319
00:14:00,510 --> 00:14:01,510
- ♪
320
00:14:02,433 --> 00:14:03,448
- ♪
321
00:14:05,939 --> 00:14:07,705
Why is everyone so late?
322
00:14:07,707 --> 00:14:09,340
Sir, have you seen my cadets?
323
00:14:09,342 --> 00:14:12,510
Oh, you won't be teaching them anymore.
324
00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:14,379
You see, we got their scores back.
325
00:14:14,381 --> 00:14:15,380
They weren't good?
326
00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:18,516
No, they were incredible!
327
00:14:18,518 --> 00:14:20,518
We've never seen scores so high!
328
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:23,221
So I fast-tracked them to be
our new Wetworks Division.
329
00:14:23,223 --> 00:14:25,019
- You what?
- Sent them to Nicaragua
330
00:14:25,058 --> 00:14:26,524
to stomp out a guerrilla uprising,
331
00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:27,892
a suicide mission for most,
332
00:14:27,894 --> 00:14:29,727
but not your flawless upstarts.
333
00:14:29,729 --> 00:14:31,262
That's guerrilla with a "U."
334
00:14:31,264 --> 00:14:32,897
There are no gorillas in Nicaragua.
335
00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:34,565
The guerrillas wiped them all out.
336
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,868
It's really a very confusing
situation down there.
337
00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:38,369
[Gulps]
338
00:14:38,371 --> 00:14:45,510
♪
339
00:14:45,512 --> 00:14:47,145
Come on! We got this!
340
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,847
I jumped something 10 times this
wide on the obstacle course!
341
00:14:52,952 --> 00:14:55,286
Aaaaah!
342
00:14:58,870 --> 00:15:00,536
This was their last-known location.
343
00:15:00,538 --> 00:15:01,904
They couldn't have gotten far.
344
00:15:01,906 --> 00:15:04,941
That's what I thought the first
time Demetri ran away from home.
345
00:15:04,943 --> 00:15:07,510
Found him in a Burger King
restroom three towns over.
346
00:15:07,512 --> 00:15:09,712
Thank God it was a glory-hole hot spot.
347
00:15:09,714 --> 00:15:12,382
Reached out to my vast
network of glory boys.
348
00:15:12,384 --> 00:15:15,585
Within hours, I was relaxed enough
to look for Demetri on my own.
349
00:15:15,587 --> 00:15:17,153
I'm sure the cadets are fine.
350
00:15:17,155 --> 00:15:19,589
They probably learned
something from all my stories.
351
00:15:19,591 --> 00:15:22,759
Hey, look, I think I see someone.
352
00:15:22,761 --> 00:15:27,363
Tim, sweet Tim,
my third favorite ginger-haired student!
353
00:15:27,365 --> 00:15:30,099
[Gasps] Oh, gross, I can't look.
354
00:15:30,101 --> 00:15:33,269
His hair is so red. I'm gonna...
355
00:15:33,271 --> 00:15:36,739
And his freckles are so clustered.
356
00:15:36,741 --> 00:15:37,507
[Retching]
357
00:15:37,523 --> 00:15:39,409
Quiet. Look.
358
00:15:41,146 --> 00:15:42,712
At least we know where they are.
359
00:15:42,714 --> 00:15:45,081
Thank you for your sacrifice, Tim.
360
00:15:45,083 --> 00:15:47,984
[Smooches]
361
00:15:47,986 --> 00:15:49,285
Peekaboo!
362
00:15:51,656 --> 00:15:54,223
Thanks for coming out to
my music-video premiere.
363
00:15:54,225 --> 00:15:56,826
Lots of big names here.
364
00:15:56,828 --> 00:16:01,464
Uh... Bill Maher.
365
00:16:01,466 --> 00:16:03,566
Anyway, please enjoy.
366
00:16:06,204 --> 00:16:08,671
- [Air horn blows]
367
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:13,509
♪ I had to do it, y'all,
because you guys didn't know ♪
368
00:16:13,511 --> 00:16:14,844
♪ Didn't believe me
369
00:16:14,846 --> 00:16:17,814
♪ Steve Smith is a straight-up bitch ♪
370
00:16:17,816 --> 00:16:19,916
♪ Yo, mm ♪
371
00:16:19,918 --> 00:16:21,284
♪ I make tons of money ♪
372
00:16:21,286 --> 00:16:22,885
♪ I have tons of boys ♪
373
00:16:22,887 --> 00:16:25,555
♪ When I go to the movies,
I make tons of noise ♪
374
00:16:25,557 --> 00:16:27,123
♪ I don't care about nothing ♪
375
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,424
♪ I don't clean my house ♪
376
00:16:28,426 --> 00:16:29,792
♪ I'll kill everybody ♪
377
00:16:29,794 --> 00:16:31,361
♪ I'm a fish named Klaus ♪
378
00:16:31,363 --> 00:16:33,963
♪ Gold fish, they come from China ♪
379
00:16:33,965 --> 00:16:36,699
♪ But you are what you eat,
so I'm a vagina ♪
380
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:38,401
♪ That means I eat [bleep] ♪
381
00:16:38,403 --> 00:16:39,836
♪ But I also eat food ♪
382
00:16:39,838 --> 00:16:43,106
♪ And 7-11's is especially good ♪
383
00:16:43,108 --> 00:16:44,340
♪ These are my favorites ♪
384
00:16:44,342 --> 00:16:45,675
♪ Chicken salad ♪
385
00:16:45,677 --> 00:16:47,844
♪ The turkey at the counter ♪
386
00:16:47,846 --> 00:16:49,045
♪ A cubano melt ♪
387
00:16:49,047 --> 00:16:50,980
♪ All the different types of hot dogs ♪
388
00:16:50,982 --> 00:16:51,559
♪ Sushi ♪
389
00:16:51,617 --> 00:16:55,284
♪ And I got to have a Nutri-Grain bar
and Mountain Dew ♪
390
00:16:55,286 --> 00:16:57,520
♪ And a Mountain Dew ♪
391
00:16:57,522 --> 00:16:59,989
♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
392
00:17:00,091 --> 00:17:03,526
♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
393
00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:04,861
♪ Every day ♪
394
00:17:05,788 --> 00:17:07,463
♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
395
00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,798
♪ All the time ♪
396
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,933
♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
397
00:17:10,935 --> 00:17:12,268
♪ 24/7, yo ♪
398
00:17:12,270 --> 00:17:13,870
♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
399
00:17:13,872 --> 00:17:18,541
♪ Munching on a Nutri-Grain bar
and Mountain Dew ♪
400
00:17:20,512 --> 00:17:24,714
Oh, yeah, that was...
401
00:17:24,716 --> 00:17:25,648
shit.
402
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:27,550
Sorry everyone hated your song.
403
00:17:27,552 --> 00:17:29,118
I tried to stay for the video,
404
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:31,888
but the crowd left so fast,
I got swept out in the current.
405
00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:33,389
They took the door off the frame.
406
00:17:33,391 --> 00:17:35,525
It's halfway into the parking lot.
407
00:17:35,527 --> 00:17:38,494
[Electricity crackling]
408
00:17:38,496 --> 00:17:40,329
Stop holding out on us, cabron.
409
00:17:40,331 --> 00:17:42,432
Tell us everything you know!
410
00:17:42,434 --> 00:17:45,501
Okay, 2 years ago, Professor Smith went
411
00:17:45,503 --> 00:17:48,271
to a Panera Bread to use the WiFi
412
00:17:48,273 --> 00:17:50,473
and thought he saw Ray Romano!
413
00:17:50,475 --> 00:17:52,442
We want C.I.A. secrets,
414
00:17:52,444 --> 00:17:55,244
not boring stories about
this Professor Smith!
415
00:17:55,246 --> 00:17:57,313
But that's all I know!
416
00:17:57,315 --> 00:18:00,183
So we're gonna need
something more severe
417
00:18:00,185 --> 00:18:02,518
if we want to get you to talk, eh?
418
00:18:05,423 --> 00:18:06,622
[All gasp]
419
00:18:06,624 --> 00:18:08,257
- Professor Smith!
- Demetri's mom!
420
00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,179
My baby!
421
00:18:09,261 --> 00:18:10,893
Look at these miserable conditions!
422
00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:13,563
Look at your weird body.
Are you all right?
423
00:18:13,565 --> 00:18:15,231
Okay, I did some recon.
424
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:17,233
This tunnel leads to a locked grate,
425
00:18:17,235 --> 00:18:18,701
which leads to our freedom.
426
00:18:18,703 --> 00:18:20,536
Tanner, I need you to swim down there
427
00:18:20,538 --> 00:18:21,804
and plant this explosive.
428
00:18:21,806 --> 00:18:23,706
Sorry, but why are you asking him?
429
00:18:23,708 --> 00:18:25,741
Marco was an Olympic-level swimmer.
430
00:18:25,743 --> 00:18:27,443
He can hold his breath for 13 minutes.
431
00:18:27,445 --> 00:18:30,015
Are you really an Olympic-level
swimmer, Marco?
432
00:18:31,416 --> 00:18:32,748
Why am I just learning this now?
433
00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:35,451
Because you never gave
us a chance to talk!
434
00:18:35,453 --> 00:18:39,222
We couldn't ever get a word in
without your babbling about yourself.
435
00:18:39,224 --> 00:18:40,623
You're right.
436
00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:42,458
I was so obsessed with
finally being heard
437
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:44,627
that I never stopped to listen.
438
00:18:44,629 --> 00:18:47,196
What matters is you're here for us now.
439
00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:48,326
- So let's get out of...
- You see,
440
00:18:48,366 --> 00:18:50,500
I've always had a hard time being heard,
441
00:18:50,502 --> 00:18:53,302
dating back to Mrs. Albrecht's
class in the sixth grade.
442
00:18:53,304 --> 00:18:56,873
I always got put into groups with
Gil Sanchez and Jason Sherman,
443
00:18:56,875 --> 00:19:00,243
and these two were very loud boys.
444
00:19:02,113 --> 00:19:04,080
[Groans]
445
00:19:04,082 --> 00:19:05,515
I'm losing patience!
446
00:19:05,517 --> 00:19:09,385
Start talking,
or you'll start losing students.
447
00:19:09,387 --> 00:19:12,955
Talking too much is what got me
into this mess in the first place.
448
00:19:12,957 --> 00:19:15,791
No, you can't! He's only 22!
449
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:17,360
His name is Demetri!
450
00:19:17,362 --> 00:19:19,658
He... That's all I know about him.
451
00:19:19,693 --> 00:19:20,396
I'm a bad mother.
452
00:19:20,398 --> 00:19:22,798
[Crying] No, mom, you're a great mother!
453
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,067
- I know!
- Enough!
454
00:19:25,069 --> 00:19:26,569
He dies.
455
00:19:26,571 --> 00:19:30,239
[Slow motion] No!
456
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:35,344
[Moaning in pain]
457
00:19:35,346 --> 00:19:36,546
Don't worry, Stan.
458
00:19:36,548 --> 00:19:38,681
I'll keep your tongue safe.
459
00:19:41,511 --> 00:19:42,374
Got it, Stan.
460
00:19:42,421 --> 00:19:43,871
Come get it any time,
461
00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:45,499
but you'll have to buy me dinner first.
462
00:19:46,391 --> 00:19:47,857
[Laughs] Oh, don't make me laugh.
463
00:19:47,859 --> 00:19:48,991
[Mumbles]
464
00:19:48,993 --> 00:19:52,194
Professor Smith,
you sacrificed your ability
465
00:19:52,196 --> 00:19:54,664
to talk to save my life.
466
00:19:54,666 --> 00:19:55,798
I sure did.
467
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:56,999
Doesn't matter.
468
00:19:57,001 --> 00:19:58,401
[Door slams open]
469
00:19:58,403 --> 00:19:59,969
Smith, what are you doing here?
470
00:19:59,971 --> 00:20:04,874
We thought we heard erotic moaning,
but this isn't an orgy.
471
00:20:04,876 --> 00:20:07,376
- Is it?
- Kill them!
472
00:20:07,378 --> 00:20:10,279
- Lube to the face!
- Aah!
473
00:20:10,281 --> 00:20:18,281
♪
474
00:20:18,356 --> 00:20:20,222
[Men groaning]
475
00:20:20,224 --> 00:20:21,357
Thank you, sir.
476
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:23,292
I should be thanking you, Smith.
477
00:20:23,294 --> 00:20:25,795
To tell you the truth, I needed a break.
478
00:20:25,797 --> 00:20:28,297
I'm shooting dust right now.
479
00:20:30,668 --> 00:20:33,736
But then, the Secret Service
said that they had overreacted,
480
00:20:33,738 --> 00:20:35,638
and it was all a misunderstanding.
481
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,307
What a silly afternoon you had, Hayley.
482
00:20:38,309 --> 00:20:39,609
Nice story, Hayley.
483
00:20:39,611 --> 00:20:41,644
We all appreciate you
listening more, dad,
484
00:20:41,646 --> 00:20:44,080
but when are you gonna get
your tongue reattached?
485
00:20:44,082 --> 00:20:45,414
Roger won't give it back.
486
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:47,450
That's because I'm still
waiting for that dinner.
487
00:20:47,452 --> 00:20:50,024
- Roger.
- All right. Fine.
488
00:20:51,255 --> 00:20:53,689
[Big-band music playing]
489
00:20:53,691 --> 00:20:56,759
This is gonna take a minute, Stan.
490
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:02,626
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com