1 00:00:03,751 --> 00:00:05,650 Stan, I was cleaning your study 2 00:00:05,652 --> 00:00:07,786 and found something we need to discuss. 3 00:00:08,034 --> 00:00:09,955 Not my journal! How dare you?! 4 00:00:09,957 --> 00:00:11,590 Those are my most private thoughts! 5 00:00:11,592 --> 00:00:13,125 Okay, I confess. 6 00:00:13,127 --> 00:00:16,261 Every entry was plagiarized from "The Diary of Anne Frank." 7 00:00:16,263 --> 00:00:17,696 I was staring at that blank page, 8 00:00:17,698 --> 00:00:18,997 and I couldn't think of a damn thing. 9 00:00:18,999 --> 00:00:21,833 I'm blocked, Francine. I don't have it anymore. 10 00:00:21,835 --> 00:00:23,468 [Crying] Maybe I never did! 11 00:00:23,470 --> 00:00:24,936 What? No! 12 00:00:24,938 --> 00:00:27,406 I found the events calendar for Steve's school. 13 00:00:27,408 --> 00:00:29,241 Oh, yeah. Yeah, I forgot all about that 14 00:00:29,243 --> 00:00:31,977 because I-I've just been flowing on my journal. 15 00:00:31,979 --> 00:00:35,247 Well, they're having an assembly to promote abstinence. 16 00:00:35,249 --> 00:00:38,016 Shouldn't they be learning about safe sex? 17 00:00:38,018 --> 00:00:39,951 Have you given Steve the talk? 18 00:00:39,953 --> 00:00:41,987 Steve doesn't need the talk. He's not ready. 19 00:00:41,989 --> 00:00:45,457 Let's not tarnish the innocence of Daddy's sexless little boy. 20 00:00:45,459 --> 00:00:47,926 Sexless?! Look at him! 21 00:00:47,928 --> 00:00:50,095 [Moaning] 22 00:00:50,097 --> 00:00:52,030 Ohh. [Chuckles] 23 00:00:52,032 --> 00:00:54,499 Mmm. Mmm. 24 00:00:54,501 --> 00:00:57,235 Whoa! Taking control! 25 00:00:57,237 --> 00:00:58,537 Rawr! 26 00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:01,273 He's playing a harmless game of Quidditch. 27 00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:02,808 From "Harry Potter"? 28 00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:05,744 The kid wizard with two friends and, like, tons of problems? 29 00:01:05,746 --> 00:01:07,879 Steve: Dang, girl! You a freak! 30 00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:09,614 [Moaning] 31 00:01:11,919 --> 00:01:13,819 I'm not fully versed on the rules of Quidditch, 32 00:01:13,821 --> 00:01:16,588 but I think that's worth three points. 33 00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:22,260 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 34 00:01:22,262 --> 00:01:25,931 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 35 00:01:25,933 --> 00:01:28,934 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 36 00:01:28,936 --> 00:01:32,771 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 37 00:01:35,409 --> 00:01:38,343 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 38 00:01:38,345 --> 00:01:41,113 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 39 00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:42,147 Aah! 40 00:01:43,584 --> 00:01:46,685 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 41 00:01:46,687 --> 00:01:49,387 [Mid-tempo music plays] 42 00:01:49,389 --> 00:01:51,756 ♪ Stop, drop ♪ 43 00:01:51,758 --> 00:01:54,426 ♪ Shut your legs, cover your slot ♪ 44 00:01:54,428 --> 00:01:56,862 ♪ Whoa, oh ♪ 45 00:01:56,864 --> 00:02:00,031 ♪ That's how us virgins roll ♪ 46 00:02:00,033 --> 00:02:02,434 Well,I'm certainly feeling turnt... 47 00:02:02,436 --> 00:02:04,202 away from sex! 48 00:02:04,204 --> 00:02:06,705 This next sketch shows us how to stand up to someone 49 00:02:06,707 --> 00:02:08,974 that bullies you for choosing abstinence. 50 00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:11,376 Now, who'd like to volunteer to play our virgin? 51 00:02:11,378 --> 00:02:14,146 [Chuckling] Yeah. Can I volunteer to get punched in the dick? 52 00:02:14,148 --> 00:02:15,947 What sucker's gonna go for... 53 00:02:15,949 --> 00:02:16,748 Aah! 54 00:02:16,750 --> 00:02:18,383 I got a virgin for ya! 55 00:02:18,385 --> 00:02:20,719 - [Laughter] - Yeah! Mertz! Get him! 56 00:02:20,721 --> 00:02:22,354 Why aren't you stopping this?! 57 00:02:22,356 --> 00:02:26,057 'Cause I'm the straw that stirs the drink, biotch. 58 00:02:26,059 --> 00:02:27,359 Whoo-hoo! 59 00:02:28,428 --> 00:02:31,630 Hi, Carl. Just gonna squeeze in a quick cry before Algebra. 60 00:02:31,632 --> 00:02:32,898 You know the rules. 61 00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:35,534 Just don't look inside my black, metal trunk. 62 00:02:36,770 --> 00:02:38,403 - Steve! - Oh, hey. 63 00:02:38,405 --> 00:02:39,905 I wanted to introduce myself 64 00:02:39,907 --> 00:02:41,506 and say how great you did onstage. 65 00:02:41,508 --> 00:02:44,876 I thought it was really brave how you stood your ground, 66 00:02:44,878 --> 00:02:47,112 silently crying when Mertz pantsed you. 67 00:02:47,114 --> 00:02:49,381 Then how you courageously called out the names 68 00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:51,917 of other virgins Mertz could pick on instead... 69 00:02:51,919 --> 00:02:53,485 until Principal Lewis came up 70 00:02:53,487 --> 00:02:55,854 and mimed ejaculating yogurt all over you. 71 00:02:55,856 --> 00:02:58,089 And still, you did nothing... absolutely nothing. 72 00:02:58,091 --> 00:02:59,624 Weren't you about to say your name?! 73 00:02:59,626 --> 00:03:01,126 I'm Shannon. 74 00:03:01,128 --> 00:03:03,028 I was wondering if you'd like to join our purity group. 75 00:03:03,030 --> 00:03:04,996 We've been looking to modernize by adding a boy, 76 00:03:04,998 --> 00:03:07,866 and it's obvious you're a committed virgin. 77 00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:09,334 What's a purity group? 78 00:03:09,336 --> 00:03:11,903 Really? We just had, like, a whole assembly... 79 00:03:11,905 --> 00:03:13,171 Never mind. [Chuckles] 80 00:03:13,173 --> 00:03:17,475 Uh, a group of us pledged to abstain from any sexual activity until marriage. 81 00:03:17,477 --> 00:03:19,711 - Purposefully? - Yeah! 82 00:03:19,713 --> 00:03:21,213 When you're not worrying about sex, 83 00:03:21,215 --> 00:03:23,381 there's time for all kinds of fun stuff. 84 00:03:23,383 --> 00:03:26,918 I-It's nerdy, but I'm writing a play based on Deathstroke. 85 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,020 The supervillain from DC Comics? 86 00:03:29,022 --> 00:03:30,789 You know, he prefers to go by... 87 00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:32,023 Both: Deathstroke the Terminator, 88 00:03:32,025 --> 00:03:33,792 although his real name is Slade Wilson. 89 00:03:33,794 --> 00:03:35,227 And don't forget about those... 90 00:03:35,229 --> 00:03:37,996 haunting Vietnam flashbacks! 91 00:03:37,998 --> 00:03:39,097 Or that he... 92 00:03:39,099 --> 00:03:41,566 murdered his first son! 93 00:03:41,568 --> 00:03:43,868 [Both laugh] 94 00:03:45,172 --> 00:03:47,672 Uh, eh, anyway... [Chuckles] 95 00:03:47,674 --> 00:03:48,940 We're all meeting tonight. 96 00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:50,609 Hope you can make it. 97 00:03:51,445 --> 00:03:53,078 [Sniffs deeply] 98 00:03:54,248 --> 00:03:58,650 I... run... this... city! 99 00:04:00,997 --> 00:04:01,997 ♪ 100 00:04:10,974 --> 00:04:18,974 ♪ 101 00:04:20,951 --> 00:04:22,684 [Cheering] 102 00:04:22,686 --> 00:04:29,157 ♪ 103 00:04:29,159 --> 00:04:33,228 This is the best place in the woooorld! 104 00:04:33,230 --> 00:04:35,997 I'm never going hoooome! 105 00:04:35,999 --> 00:04:36,831 [Click] 106 00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:38,066 Damn it. We came home. 107 00:04:38,068 --> 00:04:40,101 We spent 12 days at that slide, 108 00:04:40,103 --> 00:04:41,536 and it never got old. 109 00:04:41,538 --> 00:04:44,139 I'm already starting to forget how awesome it felt. 110 00:04:44,141 --> 00:04:46,341 The anticipation climbing the ladder. 111 00:04:46,343 --> 00:04:49,344 The butterflies in your stomach right before your turn. 112 00:04:49,346 --> 00:04:53,048 The permanent layer of moisture on every restroom toilet seat. 113 00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:54,949 Together: Yes, yes! Yeah! That! 114 00:04:54,951 --> 00:04:56,985 But we left those feelings behind 115 00:04:56,987 --> 00:04:59,954 at the Coors Light Water Kingdom in Oxford, Ohio. 116 00:04:59,956 --> 00:05:01,456 What if we could get them back? 117 00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:03,992 Look, we have a pool. How hard can it be to build a slide? 118 00:05:03,994 --> 00:05:06,161 - You ever slipped on a wet spot? - Yeah. 119 00:05:06,163 --> 00:05:09,130 Then you've already built a slide. 120 00:05:09,132 --> 00:05:09,964 I'm... sorry? 121 00:05:09,966 --> 00:05:12,834 We're building a sliiiiide! 122 00:05:12,836 --> 00:05:14,436 "Me wake up. 123 00:05:14,438 --> 00:05:16,237 "Francine there. 124 00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:17,505 I do shower." 125 00:05:17,507 --> 00:05:18,807 Damn it! 126 00:05:18,809 --> 00:05:20,342 Journals is hard! 127 00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:23,978 Stan, this is the eighth broom we've gone through this month. 128 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:26,448 You have to have the talk with Steve! 129 00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,349 I know. 130 00:05:27,351 --> 00:05:29,117 Then why don't you do it?! 131 00:05:29,119 --> 00:05:31,353 Because I'm afraid I'll do it wrong and screw him up. 132 00:05:31,355 --> 00:05:32,821 That's what happened to me. 133 00:05:32,823 --> 00:05:34,255 What are you talking about? 134 00:05:34,257 --> 00:05:36,358 [Sighs] I've... never told you 135 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,593 about the time my dad gave me the talk. 136 00:05:38,595 --> 00:05:40,061 [Harp plays] 137 00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:42,030 Although, technically, it was more of a "watch." 138 00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:46,101 Jack: Yeah. Here's a little number I call the Chattanooga Wheelbarrow. 139 00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:47,702 Might want to put on your poncho, son. 140 00:05:47,704 --> 00:05:49,304 You're in the splash zone! 141 00:05:49,306 --> 00:05:51,740 Hey, you got that 5 bucks your mom gave you for candy? 142 00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:52,941 Fork it over. 143 00:05:52,943 --> 00:05:54,776 Woman: You're spoilin' me, Jack! 144 00:05:54,778 --> 00:05:57,011 It ain't for you, you silly hooker! 145 00:05:57,013 --> 00:05:58,947 This here's a smash-and-dash. 146 00:05:58,949 --> 00:06:00,915 Now, Stan, I hope you're taking notes, 147 00:06:00,917 --> 00:06:02,217 'cause this is how I... 148 00:06:02,219 --> 00:06:04,519 Ooh! Ooh, Christ! Oh! Oh! 149 00:06:04,521 --> 00:06:05,920 Looks like we struck oil! 150 00:06:05,922 --> 00:06:07,489 Hand me your blankie! 151 00:06:07,491 --> 00:06:08,690 [Harp plays] 152 00:06:08,692 --> 00:06:10,291 I was messed up for years. 153 00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:12,060 Well, you're a grown man now. 154 00:06:12,062 --> 00:06:15,530 And anything you tell Steve will be better than this. 155 00:06:15,532 --> 00:06:17,298 [Sniffs] Mmm! 156 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:19,634 Still has Shannon's scent on it. 157 00:06:19,636 --> 00:06:21,102 So pure. 158 00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:23,738 Well, time to crank it. 159 00:06:23,740 --> 00:06:25,740 What the hell?! Get out! 160 00:06:25,742 --> 00:06:27,175 I know it'll be awkward, 161 00:06:27,177 --> 00:06:29,811 but you're at an age where we have to talk about... 162 00:06:29,813 --> 00:06:31,146 abstinence? 163 00:06:31,148 --> 00:06:34,115 Are you... not interested in sex? 164 00:06:34,117 --> 00:06:36,050 It's... It's complicated. 165 00:06:36,052 --> 00:06:37,452 This really cool girl 166 00:06:37,454 --> 00:06:39,521 invited me to a meeting at the rec center tonight... 167 00:06:39,523 --> 00:06:40,355 No time to talk! 168 00:06:40,357 --> 00:06:41,956 - To the rec center! - [Thud] 169 00:06:45,695 --> 00:06:48,930 Oh, dang! They got hopscotch up in this bitch? 170 00:06:48,932 --> 00:06:50,632 Steve! You made it! 171 00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:51,966 You must be Steve's dad. 172 00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:53,568 I'm Shannon's father... Michael. 173 00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:56,604 She mentioned he might come pop his purity cherry tonight. 174 00:06:56,606 --> 00:06:58,973 [Laughs] That's just a little virgin humor. 175 00:06:58,975 --> 00:07:01,776 They shouldn't be the only ones having fun. 176 00:07:01,778 --> 00:07:03,077 Here. Give me your hand. 177 00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:06,047 I'll introduce you to everyone. 178 00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:07,282 I brought my play! 179 00:07:07,284 --> 00:07:09,017 Uh, you probably don't want to read it. 180 00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:10,385 You were just being nice. 181 00:07:10,387 --> 00:07:11,252 No, I'd love to. 182 00:07:11,254 --> 00:07:12,520 You really don't have to. 183 00:07:12,522 --> 00:07:14,355 I honestly would love to read it. 184 00:07:14,357 --> 00:07:15,990 You know what? Forget it. 185 00:07:15,992 --> 00:07:17,225 Just give me the damn play! 186 00:07:17,227 --> 00:07:18,526 Okay, I'll go get it. 187 00:07:18,528 --> 00:07:19,394 Sheesh! 188 00:07:19,396 --> 00:07:21,296 So, what is this purity group? 189 00:07:21,298 --> 00:07:24,265 Well, in these sordid times, we fathers have a duty to serve 190 00:07:24,267 --> 00:07:28,136 as the authority and protector of our daughter's purity... 191 00:07:28,138 --> 00:07:30,038 mind and body. 192 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,573 We set a standard of manhood. 193 00:07:31,575 --> 00:07:34,075 And until they marry a man we choose, 194 00:07:34,077 --> 00:07:35,777 they pledge themselves to us. 195 00:07:35,779 --> 00:07:38,813 So... it's kind of like you're dating your own daughter? 196 00:07:38,815 --> 00:07:40,281 It's exactly like that. 197 00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:42,217 Only way to ensure they grow up normal. 198 00:07:42,219 --> 00:07:44,786 So, do you still have to give them the sex talk? 199 00:07:44,788 --> 00:07:46,421 [Laughter] 200 00:07:46,423 --> 00:07:48,857 They can't have sex. What's there to talk about? 201 00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,425 We also get swords. 202 00:07:50,427 --> 00:07:51,659 Shut... up! 203 00:07:51,661 --> 00:07:54,496 They represent our role as knights of purity. 204 00:07:54,498 --> 00:07:56,331 [Angelic singing] 205 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,900 So, you know, we have study group with our dads, 206 00:07:58,902 --> 00:08:00,301 movie night with our dads. 207 00:08:00,303 --> 00:08:03,571 Sometimes we skip the movies and just go to the woods 208 00:08:03,573 --> 00:08:05,673 to kind of... hang out. [Chuckles] 209 00:08:05,675 --> 00:08:09,110 So... it's kind of like you're dating your own dad? 210 00:08:09,112 --> 00:08:10,745 It's exactly like that! 211 00:08:10,747 --> 00:08:12,947 Huh. 212 00:08:12,949 --> 00:08:14,415 Well... 213 00:08:14,417 --> 00:08:18,520 'bout time for me to be hittin' the ol' dusty trail. 214 00:08:19,689 --> 00:08:21,556 Steve. My son. 215 00:08:21,558 --> 00:08:24,125 Will you make me the happiest daddy in the world... 216 00:08:24,127 --> 00:08:25,560 and date me? 217 00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:27,195 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Say "Yes." 218 00:08:27,197 --> 00:08:28,496 Oh, please say "Yes," Steve. 219 00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:31,065 If you join, we can hang out all the time. 220 00:08:32,235 --> 00:08:35,103 Um... okay, I guess? 221 00:08:35,105 --> 00:08:38,206 - He said "Yeeeees"! - [Cheering, bell tolls] 222 00:08:38,207 --> 00:08:40,107 Oh! I didn't know you guys had bells! 223 00:08:40,143 --> 00:08:43,011 It's a CD. Gary has a CD player. 224 00:08:47,005 --> 00:08:48,848 Hey, where were you this weekend? 225 00:08:48,850 --> 00:08:51,283 Sorry. I was hanging out with some new friends. 226 00:08:51,285 --> 00:08:53,486 [Quietly] I also took a purity pledge. I'm dating my dad. 227 00:08:53,488 --> 00:08:54,854 Mertz: A purity pledge?! 228 00:08:54,856 --> 00:08:55,688 Aah! 229 00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:57,573 Ohhh! Go easy, Mertz. 230 00:08:57,659 --> 00:08:59,425 No. Steve, we're cool. 231 00:08:59,427 --> 00:09:01,927 - I have too much respect for the pledge. - You do? 232 00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:04,363 I'd kill to have that kind of self-control, 233 00:09:04,365 --> 00:09:06,665 but I'm a slave to my carnal appetites. 234 00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:09,835 I keep waking up in beds next to strangers. 235 00:09:09,837 --> 00:09:11,804 I live a dark life, Steve. 236 00:09:11,806 --> 00:09:15,941 Wow. Mertz, I had no idea you were battling such demons. 237 00:09:15,943 --> 00:09:18,044 If you ever want to talk, I'm here, man. 238 00:09:18,076 --> 00:09:19,809 I-I think I'd like that. 239 00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:21,010 How about tomorrow? 240 00:09:21,012 --> 00:09:23,713 Maybe... over breakfast? 241 00:09:23,715 --> 00:09:24,847 Right after I'm done... 242 00:09:24,849 --> 00:09:26,849 banging your mom! 243 00:09:26,851 --> 00:09:27,884 - [Smack] - Oh! 244 00:09:27,886 --> 00:09:29,652 [Laughing] 245 00:09:32,790 --> 00:09:34,123 I'm an animal! 246 00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,259 A broken, filthy animal! 247 00:09:36,261 --> 00:09:38,694 [Crying] 248 00:09:39,664 --> 00:09:43,232 Thank you, again, for volunteering to help me improve my sword skills. 249 00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,468 I didn't! Please, I beg you, don't... 250 00:09:49,941 --> 00:09:51,340 Okay, that's your shoulder, 251 00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:54,744 so the cucumber should be right... here. 252 00:09:54,746 --> 00:09:55,778 [Muffled scream] 253 00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:56,746 - Stan! - Huh? 254 00:09:56,748 --> 00:09:59,248 [Muffled sobbing, screaming] 255 00:10:06,224 --> 00:10:09,025 Whoa. That is not what I was trying to do. 256 00:10:09,027 --> 00:10:10,593 Did you talk to Steve yet? 257 00:10:10,595 --> 00:10:12,428 Nope. He's joined a purity group, 258 00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:14,697 and now I can't give him the talk even if I wanted to. 259 00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:16,399 - What?! - [Muffled scream] 260 00:10:16,401 --> 00:10:19,669 I said, Steve is taking a pledge of abstinence. 261 00:10:19,671 --> 00:10:21,604 I am his knight of chastity. 262 00:10:21,606 --> 00:10:23,906 Also his boyfriend. And I have a sword. 263 00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:27,043 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a date with my son. 264 00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:28,644 [Muffled scream] 265 00:10:37,322 --> 00:10:38,688 Hole-in-one! 266 00:10:38,690 --> 00:10:40,723 Bombs away! 267 00:10:40,725 --> 00:10:42,692 [Imitates farting] 268 00:10:42,694 --> 00:10:43,993 [Giggles] 269 00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:48,030 ♪ Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend ♪ 270 00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:51,167 ♪ No way, no way, I think you need a new one ♪ 271 00:10:51,169 --> 00:10:54,670 ♪ Hey, hey, you, you, I could be your girlfriend ♪ 272 00:10:55,707 --> 00:10:56,973 [Horse neighs] 273 00:10:56,975 --> 00:10:59,842 ♪ Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me ♪ 274 00:10:59,844 --> 00:11:02,912 ♪ No way, no way, you know it's not a secret ♪ 275 00:11:02,914 --> 00:11:07,216 ♪ Hey, hey, you, you, I want to be your girlfriend ♪ 276 00:11:08,786 --> 00:11:10,386 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 277 00:11:10,388 --> 00:11:11,787 ♪ I know that you like me ♪ 278 00:11:11,789 --> 00:11:13,289 ♪ No way ♪ 279 00:11:13,291 --> 00:11:14,523 ♪ No, it's not a secret ♪ 280 00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:16,392 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 281 00:11:16,394 --> 00:11:17,526 ♪ I want to be your girlfriend ♪ 282 00:11:17,528 --> 00:11:20,363 ♪ No way, no way ♪ 283 00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:22,498 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 284 00:11:23,334 --> 00:11:25,167 Roger: Here? 285 00:11:25,169 --> 00:11:26,736 Maybe here? 286 00:11:26,738 --> 00:11:28,437 I don't know. 287 00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:30,373 I... think that looks right? 288 00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:31,941 I guess. 289 00:11:31,943 --> 00:11:32,975 Meaning we're done! 290 00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:35,144 [Fanfare] 291 00:11:35,146 --> 00:11:36,846 I can't believe we finished! 292 00:11:36,848 --> 00:11:37,880 Whoa! 293 00:11:37,882 --> 00:11:39,715 Now, that's what I'm talking about! 294 00:11:39,717 --> 00:11:42,084 Um, excuse me. Who exactly are you? 295 00:11:42,086 --> 00:11:43,085 I'm Kyle. 296 00:11:43,087 --> 00:11:44,854 Look, uh, Kyle, was it? 297 00:11:44,856 --> 00:11:48,457 We built this slide to recapture this amazing butterfly feeling, 298 00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,393 so if you could just respect that 299 00:11:50,395 --> 00:11:52,261 and kind of what we're all about... 300 00:11:52,263 --> 00:11:54,397 Suck my [bleep], losers! 301 00:11:56,100 --> 00:12:00,102 [Angelic singing] 302 00:12:00,104 --> 00:12:02,004 [Crash, car alarm blaring] 303 00:12:03,174 --> 00:12:04,940 [Blaring continues] 304 00:12:04,942 --> 00:12:07,910 Did that sound like he landed in someone else's pool? 305 00:12:10,348 --> 00:12:12,515 The kids love the purity ball. 306 00:12:12,517 --> 00:12:14,483 There's dinner and speeches, 307 00:12:14,485 --> 00:12:17,586 and it all ends in a beautiful dance with their dads... 308 00:12:17,588 --> 00:12:18,954 which symbolizes their commitment 309 00:12:18,956 --> 00:12:21,323 to not have sex until marriage. 310 00:12:22,293 --> 00:12:24,427 And not to talk about it, either. 311 00:12:24,429 --> 00:12:26,028 Higher. 312 00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:27,830 Higher. 313 00:12:27,832 --> 00:12:28,898 [Farts] 314 00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,266 - Whoa! - [Thud] 315 00:12:31,436 --> 00:12:33,903 Did you hear that guy fart across the room? 316 00:12:33,905 --> 00:12:35,871 [Giggles] 317 00:12:35,873 --> 00:12:38,741 Steve, now that we're finally alone, 318 00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:41,077 can I confess something? 319 00:12:41,079 --> 00:12:43,879 I... wish you were my dad. 320 00:12:43,881 --> 00:12:44,980 W... hat? 321 00:12:44,982 --> 00:12:48,651 You know... so... I could date you. 322 00:12:48,653 --> 00:12:49,919 Oh. 323 00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:53,856 What the hell is this?! 324 00:12:53,858 --> 00:12:55,191 Holding hands? 325 00:12:55,193 --> 00:12:56,826 You strumpets! 326 00:12:56,828 --> 00:12:58,394 And what is that smell?! 327 00:12:58,396 --> 00:13:00,896 I-I'm... I'm sorry! Dad, I-I... I don't... 328 00:13:00,898 --> 00:13:02,531 I should have seen this coming. 329 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:04,333 You've had way too much freedom lately. 330 00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:05,968 I'm moving you back into my bedroom! 331 00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:09,138 If anybody should move into your bedroom, it's me, sir. 332 00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:12,408 I made Shannon hold hands, and I wanted more! 333 00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:13,542 [All gasp] 334 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:15,211 We should have never let a boy join! 335 00:13:15,213 --> 00:13:16,312 He's obsessed! 336 00:13:16,314 --> 00:13:18,247 Soiling the sanctity of the group 337 00:13:18,249 --> 00:13:20,116 and horning in on our chicks! 338 00:13:20,118 --> 00:13:21,984 Out! Both of you! 339 00:13:21,986 --> 00:13:24,120 [Quietly] But then I'll have to give him the talk. 340 00:13:24,122 --> 00:13:25,387 [Harp plays] 341 00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:27,022 Jack: Damn it, I lost my watch! 342 00:13:27,024 --> 00:13:29,558 Get over here, son. You've got small hands. 343 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:31,160 [Harp plays] 344 00:13:31,162 --> 00:13:33,662 Wait! There must be something we can do to stay! 345 00:13:33,664 --> 00:13:37,733 There is... one thing you can do. 346 00:13:37,735 --> 00:13:40,236 Sex Aversion Therapy Camp?! 347 00:13:40,238 --> 00:13:42,800 Stan: You say that like it's a bad thing. Try this. 348 00:13:42,974 --> 00:13:45,574 [Excitedly] Sex Aversion Therapy Camp! 349 00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:51,198 Wha... Wha... What is this?! 350 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,234 I don't need sex-aversion therapy! 351 00:13:53,236 --> 00:13:54,802 [Projector whirring] 352 00:13:54,804 --> 00:13:56,804 - [Slow orchestral music plays] - That's a handsome couple. 353 00:13:56,806 --> 00:13:59,373 Pretty beach. Wonder where that is. 354 00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:00,675 Oh. Well, now they're... 355 00:14:00,677 --> 00:14:03,044 now they're taking it to the bedroom. 356 00:14:03,046 --> 00:14:05,746 Ooh. Little PG-13. 357 00:14:05,748 --> 00:14:08,749 Ooh! Off comes the bra! 358 00:14:08,751 --> 00:14:11,285 Hmm. Maybe this... maybe this camp isn't so bad. 359 00:14:11,287 --> 00:14:12,420 [Screams] 360 00:14:12,422 --> 00:14:13,955 Oh, gross! 361 00:14:15,391 --> 00:14:17,124 Stop! Turn it off! 362 00:14:17,126 --> 00:14:18,426 [Clang] 363 00:14:18,428 --> 00:14:21,529 Sweet Jesus, have mercy! 364 00:14:22,732 --> 00:14:24,098 Blaaaah! 365 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,033 Euggggh! 366 00:14:26,035 --> 00:14:26,901 Aaagh! 367 00:14:26,903 --> 00:14:28,536 Ohhhh! Aaagh! 368 00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:30,771 Please, stop! Stop it! 369 00:14:30,773 --> 00:14:34,976 Please, stop showing me photos of that hideous woman! 370 00:14:34,978 --> 00:14:36,811 Eugggggaaaaaaaaah! 371 00:14:38,158 --> 00:14:40,969 I can't believe our slide actually got a guy killed. 372 00:14:41,004 --> 00:14:42,283 What if somebody finds out?! 373 00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:44,018 Everybody, just be cool! 374 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:47,521 If we all did our job, no one's going to find out anything. 375 00:14:47,603 --> 00:14:50,170 I buried our bathing suits and the tools. 376 00:14:50,172 --> 00:14:52,272 [Shakily] I cut Kyle's body into pieces 377 00:14:52,274 --> 00:14:53,541 and dissolved it in acid. 378 00:14:53,623 --> 00:14:54,955 And I have every intention 379 00:14:54,957 --> 00:14:56,624 of getting rid of his board shorts. 380 00:14:56,626 --> 00:14:57,858 Then that's everything. 381 00:14:57,860 --> 00:14:59,927 There's not a single shred of evidence 382 00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,629 linking us to his death. 383 00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:02,897 This your slide? 384 00:15:02,899 --> 00:15:04,532 Mother[bleep]. The slide. 385 00:15:04,534 --> 00:15:05,900 We forgot about the slide! 386 00:15:05,902 --> 00:15:08,235 Dirk Turlington, waterpark detective. 387 00:15:08,237 --> 00:15:10,771 Got a report of a man missing after riding a waterslide. 388 00:15:10,773 --> 00:15:12,273 Well, not ours! 389 00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:14,241 This is a slide town, guy! 390 00:15:14,243 --> 00:15:16,744 Swing a dead Kyle, and you'll hit one. 391 00:15:16,746 --> 00:15:20,047 I, uh... never mentioned the name Kyle. 392 00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,583 These board shorts are mine! 393 00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:28,522 Great. 394 00:15:28,524 --> 00:15:30,724 You folks have yourselves a wonderful day. 395 00:15:30,726 --> 00:15:32,826 Turlington exits. 396 00:15:32,828 --> 00:15:36,030 Did he... Did he just say, "Turlington exits"? 397 00:15:38,634 --> 00:15:40,334 And... done. 398 00:15:40,336 --> 00:15:43,237 Again, I apologize. That's never happened before. 399 00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:44,538 Woman: Mr. Smith? 400 00:15:45,408 --> 00:15:48,409 There's, uh... my boy. 401 00:15:48,411 --> 00:15:49,977 You, uh... you looked tired. 402 00:15:49,979 --> 00:15:51,512 Camp must have been fun. 403 00:15:51,514 --> 00:15:54,081 [Monotone] Steve... pure. 404 00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,317 I bet you got in a prank war with those preppies 405 00:15:56,319 --> 00:15:59,220 at the Gay Conversion Therapy Camp across the lake! 406 00:15:59,222 --> 00:16:00,988 [Groans] 407 00:16:02,491 --> 00:16:04,491 Let's get this slide down fast. 408 00:16:04,493 --> 00:16:06,260 That detective gave me the creeps. 409 00:16:06,262 --> 00:16:07,828 Which detective? 410 00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:08,996 Is the gate open? 411 00:16:08,998 --> 00:16:10,831 It's like Grand Central back here. 412 00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:12,766 Forensics came back from the lab... 413 00:16:12,768 --> 00:16:15,102 says that Kyle's flight path originated... 414 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,303 from this slide. 415 00:16:16,305 --> 00:16:19,173 There's no way! O-Our slide is totally safe! 416 00:16:19,175 --> 00:16:21,642 Great. Then I can close the case. 417 00:16:21,644 --> 00:16:24,078 Right after one of you goes down it. 418 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,713 No problem. 419 00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:27,681 Oh, you bitch! 420 00:16:27,683 --> 00:16:29,917 [Wind whistling] 421 00:16:31,721 --> 00:16:34,154 Just gonna test the water. 422 00:16:34,156 --> 00:16:35,589 [Whoosh] 423 00:16:40,429 --> 00:16:41,862 Cool! 424 00:16:41,864 --> 00:16:45,566 [Shakily] Okay, it's... slidin' time, y'all. 425 00:16:47,303 --> 00:16:48,302 [Whoosh] 426 00:16:48,304 --> 00:16:49,570 [Crackling] 427 00:16:49,572 --> 00:16:51,305 [Sizzling] 428 00:16:54,644 --> 00:16:56,644 - He did it! - Alright, Roger! 429 00:16:56,646 --> 00:16:59,580 Well, I guess I had it all wrong. 430 00:16:59,582 --> 00:17:01,081 Case closed. 431 00:17:01,083 --> 00:17:02,316 Unsolved. 432 00:17:02,318 --> 00:17:03,684 Cold as chowder. 433 00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,886 I'm a cold-chowder man. 434 00:17:05,888 --> 00:17:08,956 You can really taste the clams that way. 435 00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:10,891 Mmmmm. 436 00:17:12,428 --> 00:17:13,727 Roger, are you okay? 437 00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:15,429 That sounded... awful. 438 00:17:15,431 --> 00:17:17,698 I'm cool. My hands took the worst of it. 439 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,000 Nothing a little ice can't fix. 440 00:17:25,608 --> 00:17:28,175 [Indistinct conversations] 441 00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,844 The beginnings of these dances are always so awkward. 442 00:17:30,846 --> 00:17:33,647 Girls on one side of the room, dads on the other. 443 00:17:33,649 --> 00:17:35,282 Everyone's all nervous. 444 00:17:35,284 --> 00:17:38,252 My trick? Picture them in their underwear. 445 00:17:38,254 --> 00:17:39,586 Yeah, that's... 446 00:17:39,588 --> 00:17:40,688 Uh... thanks. 447 00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,323 Looks like the camp went great. 448 00:17:43,726 --> 00:17:45,559 I'm so glad you're here. 449 00:17:45,561 --> 00:17:47,127 [Gags] 450 00:17:47,129 --> 00:17:48,395 Um... 451 00:17:48,397 --> 00:17:50,331 do you... like my dress? 452 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,667 [Heaving] 453 00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:59,139 Alright, fathers, find your daughters or son, 454 00:17:59,141 --> 00:18:03,977 because it's time for the ceremonial purity dance. 455 00:18:03,979 --> 00:18:06,280 [Slow music plays] 456 00:18:09,919 --> 00:18:12,286 Hey, bud. May I have this dance? 457 00:18:12,288 --> 00:18:13,287 Okay. 458 00:18:13,289 --> 00:18:16,023 Oh! Coming on a little strong, son. 459 00:18:16,025 --> 00:18:18,192 [Muffled] I won't feel sick if I don't look at them. 460 00:18:18,194 --> 00:18:20,694 You can't even look at girls anymore? 461 00:18:20,696 --> 00:18:22,129 Oh, my God. 462 00:18:23,332 --> 00:18:25,666 Steve, Steve, look at me! What is this for? 463 00:18:25,668 --> 00:18:26,967 Sweeping. 464 00:18:26,969 --> 00:18:28,869 You don't want to hump it? Or suck it? 465 00:18:28,871 --> 00:18:31,071 [Sobbing] Is my baby boy even in there?! 466 00:18:31,073 --> 00:18:33,374 Deejay: Lot of beautiful couples out there. 467 00:18:33,376 --> 00:18:36,276 Lot of beautiful couples out there! 468 00:18:37,646 --> 00:18:38,912 This is insane! 469 00:18:38,914 --> 00:18:40,714 Steve, I'm so sorry! 470 00:18:40,716 --> 00:18:42,282 But I was out of control. 471 00:18:42,284 --> 00:18:44,218 No, I was the one with the problem. 472 00:18:44,220 --> 00:18:46,019 I was so worried I might screw you up 473 00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:47,788 that I got you involved in this craziness, 474 00:18:47,790 --> 00:18:49,490 and it screwed you up even worse! 475 00:18:49,492 --> 00:18:50,758 Come on, Stan. 476 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,960 Everybody's gettin' freaky out here! 477 00:18:52,962 --> 00:18:54,528 Enough of this. 478 00:18:54,530 --> 00:18:55,963 Shannon, your dad's a creep. 479 00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:57,464 [Sighing] Yeah. 480 00:18:59,902 --> 00:19:01,168 Stan, what are you doing? 481 00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:03,370 Listen up! These two like each other! 482 00:19:03,372 --> 00:19:06,206 And they don't need us getting in the way! 483 00:19:08,978 --> 00:19:11,445 Step away from the door. 484 00:19:13,249 --> 00:19:14,481 Don't you see? 485 00:19:14,483 --> 00:19:16,917 The more we shelter them from sex, the harder it'll be 486 00:19:16,919 --> 00:19:19,153 for them to make good decisions on their own. 487 00:19:21,223 --> 00:19:22,890 - Charge! - [All shout] 488 00:19:22,892 --> 00:19:24,324 Come on! [Grunts] 489 00:19:24,326 --> 00:19:26,560 Do you really want them learning everything about sex 490 00:19:26,562 --> 00:19:27,961 on their wedding nights? 491 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,564 Steve, I-I feel like ever since 492 00:19:30,566 --> 00:19:33,367 you came back from the sexual-reprogramming camp, 493 00:19:33,369 --> 00:19:36,470 things have been... different between us. 494 00:19:36,472 --> 00:19:37,838 [Gags] 495 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,640 Their feelings for each other are natural! 496 00:19:39,642 --> 00:19:42,009 We should give them the information and the space 497 00:19:42,011 --> 00:19:43,844 to safely explore those feelings, 498 00:19:43,846 --> 00:19:47,581 because they're people, and sex is part of the human experience! 499 00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:48,549 Aah! 500 00:19:48,551 --> 00:19:50,317 Are you getting this, son? 501 00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:52,619 Because I think this is me giving you the talk. 502 00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,121 Steve? 503 00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:56,790 [Harp plays] 504 00:19:57,993 --> 00:19:59,960 [Harp plays] 505 00:20:02,097 --> 00:20:04,832 I think there's been enough talk. 506 00:20:04,834 --> 00:20:06,834 [Both moaning, swords clanking] 507 00:20:06,836 --> 00:20:08,836 Stan: I can't hold out much longer, son! 508 00:20:08,838 --> 00:20:10,270 Jump kick! 509 00:20:14,376 --> 00:20:18,245 [Monitor beeping, ventilator hissing] 510 00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:19,613 [Groans] 511 00:20:19,615 --> 00:20:20,914 Dad, you're awake! 512 00:20:20,916 --> 00:20:23,717 Is it the future? Did we make it to Mars? 513 00:20:23,719 --> 00:20:25,719 Are Legos affordable again? 514 00:20:25,721 --> 00:20:27,387 Not quite, but, Dad, 515 00:20:27,389 --> 00:20:29,823 thanks for protecting me and Shannon back there. 516 00:20:29,825 --> 00:20:31,458 I should have all along. 517 00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:34,361 I put so much pressure on having the talk, 518 00:20:34,363 --> 00:20:36,497 but there shouldn't be one talk. 519 00:20:36,499 --> 00:20:37,764 It should be talks. 520 00:20:37,766 --> 00:20:39,333 I may not have every answer, 521 00:20:39,335 --> 00:20:42,769 but if you have questions, you can always ask me. 522 00:20:42,771 --> 00:20:44,605 I do have one question. 523 00:20:44,607 --> 00:20:45,639 [Slow music plays] 524 00:20:45,641 --> 00:20:46,739 May I have this dance? 525 00:20:51,118 --> 00:20:53,318 Thanks for making me horny again, Dad. 526 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,288 And... I'm out. 527 00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,259 Have a great night! 528 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:04,260 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com