Who wants cheese?
Our plate and knife are dirty,
So you'll have to just nibble off the block.
Dang, brita filtered water and now a big cheese?
You two really have it all figured out.
But I feel bad we always hang here,
So maybe tomorrow night we could do a girls' night
At my apartment.
Apartment?
Don't you live at home with your parents?
No, I meant I was apart from them,
An a-part-ment.
Get it?
I can put anything I want up on my walls.
With pushpins. I'm -- I'm not allowed to use nails.
Voice: You sound like an idiot right now.
A girls' night sounds great. We're in.
Cool beans!
Voice: "cool beans?"
What the [bleep] is cool about beans?
♪ good morning, usa ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day ♪
♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shining a salute to the american race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ good morning, usa ♪
There. I think I'm ready for girls night.
Voice: Oh, I'm sure they won't notice
Your dining table is your childhood bed.
[ growls ] babe, you okay?
You're growling more than normal.
It's just -- okay.
You know how when you're nervous, you hear,
Like, a little judgmental voice in your head?
Maybe.
I'm trying to get better at reading your moods.
You're either stressed or horny.
Stressed.
Aw, shucks.
Why is this night so important to you?
Settle in, jeff.
When I was a kid,
"big city honeys" was my favorite show.
The "honeys" are young women living together in the city.
I always imagined that when I grew up,
I would be just like them --
Living in the big city, falling in and out of love,
But always having the support of my fellow honeys
When I needed it.
But until I met nerfer and danuta,
I never had real girlfriends.
That's a sad.
I just need to make sure there's nothing embarrassing
In the house that could ruin the night.
Wait till snot sees my washboard abs.
Steve, do you still have those freckles on your wrists?
Ah!
Check it out.
We're making rogu a girlfriend out of canned pork.
Meet spam anderson.
Look!
The boogerman!
♪♪
The boogerman.
[ rogu laughs ]
Love it when the house is peaceful like this.
Thank you for putting those turkeys in the shed.
We have big plans tonight.
Roger is opening a fancy new spa in the attic,
And we're going to be his first customers.
Who's ready for a two-hour couples massage?
I'm rub rub tuggington and I'll -- oh, wow.
I had never said that name out loud.
I hate it. Definitely going to change that.
Awful name. One of my worst.
It's fine. The name's only temporary.
It'll be an easy change.
Might have to order some new business cards.
[ dramatic stings play ]
My god, it's everywhere.
This place is supposed to be a relaxing, professional retreat.
The worst thing that can happen to your spa
Is it gets known as a "jerk off" place.
Okay. Keep it together, roger.
You mean rub rub tuggington.
Yes. Thank you, francine.
Let's forget about this small branding snafu
And get you two ready for your massage.
[ crack! ] aaah! Aaaaah!
Carpal tunnel.
Rub rub tuggington, are you okay?
Stop saying my name!
Tonight is the night, and we are living it.
Voice: Wow. You should be a speechwriter
For the president of numskull island.
Yeah, we're excited.
Been looking forward to this all day.
Excited, too, I am.
Now you're talking like yoda.
Say something cool.
Doesn't nancy kerrigan make you guys want to puke?
Uh...
I thought we could watch this tonight.
"big city honeys."
It was my favorite show when I was a kid.
Never heard of it. Me neither, but growing up, my parents only let me watch
Christian shows and pro wrestling.
♪ when I'm about to go crazy ♪
♪ 'cause I'm still living here ♪
♪ I just get my friends together ♪
♪ and we dance, dance, dance ♪
So, kendra is uptight, lexi is a total party girl,
And max is just like, you know, out there.
Voice: You're over-explaining.
Their landlord, mr. Orlando, is always in their business,
Along with their goofball neighbor,
Edgar queefinski, or queef for short.
Oh, there's queef.
Stop saying queef!
I can't have my head stuck in a pickle jar.
I have a date tonight.
It gets funnier. Voice: Liar.
You know it doesn't get any funnier than the pickle jar.
Your friends think you're a bozo.
Guys, I'm not a bozo!
I'm in a desperate situation.
I need to talk to dr. Penguin.
Don't you want to talk to your mother and father?
Definitely not. Whew.
'cause I got my own shit going on.
You know I haven't peed in a week?
I'm in the middle of a massage here.
And dr. Penguin, I think, is possibly still dead.
Oh, yeah? Well, I have a groupon.
Tell me what's on your mind.
I've had this judgmental voice of self-doubt
In my head my whole life,
But now it's gotten so constant I'm doubting everything.
Voice: No, you're not. [ growls ]
I see.
I do, of course, have a tried and true therapy
For this situation that's never been tested.
I will try anything to get this voice out of my head.
Fantastic. Get ready for a little hiv --
High-intensity visualization.
Wow. You know, I guess I'm just terrible
At naming everything now.
Okay. This should only be done by a trained therapist.
Otherwise, you'll get aids --
Automatic intense de-visualization syndrome.
Let's get this critical voice out of your head
And into that painting.
This is never going to work.
Start taking deep breaths.
In and out.
Take in the painting in front of you
And rid yourself of your critical voice.
Send it away.
I send it away.
Away into the painting.
That horrible critic.
It's made every day of my life worse.
I did teach you how to masturbate correctly.
Shut up. I was doing fine.
You were rubbing your belly button.
It felt good.
Guys, can we focus here?
Never to be heard from again!
I send you into the painting!
[ fading ] this'll never work.
I don't hear it.
Wait. I should get bangs.
Nothing! It's gone!
Thank you, dr. Penguin.
Dr. Penguin, a great name.
Well, back to being rub rub.
[ crack! ] aaaaah!
Sorry I had to run off like that.
No problem. We have our phones.
It's nice to have some time to just enjoy our phones.
Cow: Moo!
What was that?
Hey, girl.
I sent you into the painting. Why are you a cow?
There was a cow in the painting.
Oh, by the way, I heard you were thinking of getting bangs.
You're going to look so stupid.
[ pounding on door ]
So nice to be out of your dumb head.
I'm a cow.
Check out my sweet little boobies.
What?
Your visualization therapy gave me a cow
That only I can see.
Huh, weird.
If only you can see the cow, just ignore it.
Tickle. Door.
You know what? He's right.
I'll just ignore you.
You can't ignore me.
I'm not a diarrhea sign at a public pool!
Who wants to play "frontiers of finkel"?
What? "frontiers of finkel."
It's a board game where you colonize an alien planet.
Hayley, why have you been acting so strange?
And why do you keep running out of the room?
These are solid questions, hayley.
Is this a girls' night or an interrogation?
The only question you guys should be asking
Is what space guild you want to join!
Look at their faces.
Clearly wondering why they ever became friends with you.
Everybody grab five resource tokens.
No, danuta, those are energy coins.
Nerfer, those are moon doubloons.
You wish you could use those this round.
What's this? Uh, a half-eaten weed gummy.
"after a thousand-year journey,
Welcome to planet finkel, space colonists!"
Okay, first step is an audit of assets.
Ooh! Shut up!
Is everything okay?
I have to go to the bathroom.
They think you're taking a huge dump.
I have to take a tiny dump!
That sounds way worse!
[ laughter ]
Guys, I think we might be feeling the effects
Of that open can of goop off!
I'll close it up. But before I do,
I just want to say that you guys are the best friends
I've ever had in my life.
Can anyone else hear their brain cells dying?
I can't remember why I'm up here.
[ laughter ]
Baby blue vw beetle?
[ sniffs ]
Empress by sean john perfume?
Danuta walking around?
That can only be danuta!
Danuta!
Yeah. She and that hottie nerfer are here tonight.
I have to get out of here.
I need to tell her something.
Then, damn it, we'll get you out of here.
We're the shed boys.
We'll do anything for each other.
Can we tell each other anything?
Hell, yeah.
I've been eating the kingsford charcoal briquets,
And I like them.
All: Shed boys!
[ coughs ]
You know, despite you being here,
I think the night is going pretty well.
Hayley, I have four stomachs, and even I can't swallow that.
Who cares if your friendship is over?
You got me!
But I'd like to blow you up with dynamite.
Oh, wait. I know how to save the night!
I got three m-80s.
Let's throw one in the block of cheese
And class this bish up with some fondue.
They're gone.
Screw them, hayley.
Let's go outside and swat flies from our asses.
Danuta texted.
"sorry, hayley. We took off.
Seems like you're going through something.
Peace out."
And then nerfer sent a gif of deadpool waving goodbye.
Okay, eating all those cheeseburgers
Did nothing for my carpal tunnel.
Should we maybe just go? No.
I promised you a massage, and you're getting one.
Stan, you will massage francine while I expertly coach.
The most important thing is that the massage
Cannot get sexual in any way.
Now, let me put on some relaxing spa music.
[ slow r&b music plays ]
Under no circumstances should you be aroused by this.
Almost forgot the oil.
Aaaah!
♪♪
That's good, stan, but forget the shoulders
And focus on her butt.
Well, get in there. Don't be shy.
Really knead that ass.
Think pizza dough.
Mm. Ohh.
Oh, yeah.
You can't bang her, stan.
That kind of thing doesn't fly at this spa.
Alright, turn over.
Let's work the knots out of those breasts.
What should we do now?
Maybe see what some of your exes are up to?
What's the deal with reginald?
Are we going to talk about how you slept with a koala?
I can't take this anymore!
That's it. I'm getting rid of you.
Uh, good luck, girl.
I'm your cow. Not for long.
If I got you through visualization therapy,
I can use it to get rid of you.
Uh, didn't dr. Penguin say not to do this
Without a trained professional?
I like that you're nervous about this.
I send this cow --
Danuta! Where is she?
Klaus has something important to tell her!
She's got to be in here somewhere!
Tear this place apart!
[ punk music plays ]
♪♪
She's not here!
She couldn't have gotten far.
We have to find her!
Steve: I see her! No, that's greg.
Hey, newsman, have you seen danuta?
Greg: Who? Danuta!
What are you, new here?
There's tracks!
Those are danuta's paws, for sure.
And it leads right to --
[ chittering ] raccoon!
[ screaming ]
[ rogu laughs ]
[ sighs ] I wish I could just be in the show.
That's all I ever really wanted --
To have best friends who love me, no matter what.
I want to be a big city honey.
♪♪
Am I... Late for breakfast?
Yeah, hayley, you are.
But I get it.
Max is trying to cook again.
Breakfast is served.
[ laughter ]
[ applause ]
Yeah!
♪ when I'm about to go crazy ♪
♪ 'cause I'm still living here ♪
♪ I just get my friends together ♪
♪ and we dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ if this is the fate of the world ♪
♪ this is the fate of the world ♪
Hey, I'm not that bad of a cook.
Your food gives my heartburn heartburn.
Hello, 911?
I'd like to report a bad frittata.
Well, my life is over.
I just ran into my boss while I was doing the walk of shame.
Lexi, are you part camel?
Because you sure love to hump.
Yeah. You've had more plan bs
Than an over-prepared scout leader.
All I know is I need a daiquiri.
I'll take one, too.
Queef, you know we have a door.
Yeah, but you lock your door.
Exacta-mundo!
It's almost summer.
Who wants to help me with my manscaping?
I need to trim down the winter bush.
Razor? Try a weed whacker.
God, I love being here.
You know, I used to think there was something wrong with me,
And I could never keep any of my friends.
But being here makes me see that I was never the problem.
Uh, over-share much?
[ pounding on door ]
It's probably my date.
Hayley, get the door.
Moo.
Geez, hayley.
Rude much?
Everyone, this is my cow.
Holy cow!
This is "udder" madness!
Personally, I prefer louis vuitton
To emotional baggage.
Mr. Orlando: What is going on in there?
Mr. Orlando!
There's no pets allowed in the building.
If we get evicted, I'll lose you all!
Whoa!
Someone forgot her chill pill this morning.
Everyone shut up!
This is serious! I am not [bleep] around.
Do I look like I am [bleep] around?
Because I assure you, I am not.
Hayley, are you part witch?
Because you love to curse.
Why is everyone acting like this is some joke?
I told you this was a bad idea.
I am not going to let you screw this up for me.
You can't hide me forever, hayley.
I may sleep standing up, but I won't stand for this.
[ chuckles ]
You girls think I'm pretty dumb.
Well, something's going on in here, and I know what it is.
You girls are flushing tampons again!
Geez, mr. Orlando, what is with you and tampons?
I've been unhappily married for 30 years,
So I think I know women,
And they love flushing tampons!
[ clattering ]
What was that?
Get real, buddy.
You're not getting into that bathroom.
Not without a goddamn warrant.
I actually think I saw a tampon in this bucket.
You did? Let me see!
See? Nothing going on in there.
Cow: Moo. [ thudding ]
What is that racket?
Nothing.
And whatever it is, I'm trying to repress it.
Moo!
Damn!
That cow is yoked!
Aah!
I married the wrong cow.
My wife never gives me head.
You can't hide me anymore!
You're fighting a losing battle with your cattle!
I can't believe you ruined this!
This was my dream!
You ruin everything!
You're the reason I've never been able to keep friends!
I hate you!
[ crying ]
What the hell is going on here?
Hayley, I warned you not to do that therapy without me.
Why is the cow crying?
Probably a knicks fan.
Okay, that's hilarious. And true.
The knicks are terrible. I think.
I-I don't really follow the sport.
If indeed it is a sport.
Roger, why are you here?
I'm here to help you, hayley.
Don't you see?
By trying to hide your negative thoughts,
You only made your cow bigger.
Why did you ever think that you could get rid
Of something that is a part of you?
You told me I could!
It was your therapy!
Paid for with a groupon.
[ sighs ] what do I need to do to fix this mess?
Hayley, your cow is only trying to protect you.
It's true.
Instead of hiding, ignoring, or fighting with your cow,
You need to accept it.
You can't make those negative thoughts go away.
But you can learn to acknowledge them and let them pass.
Love your cow, but don't let it control you.
Being a big city honey
Means embracing every part of yourself.
Lady, I got this.
Smooch your cow.
Ew, gross!
I was joking.
You didn't really need to do that, but it was hilarious.
Come on. Time to go.
Whoa, that was intense.
Thanks, dr. P. No problemo, hayley,
But next time we go into a show, can it be "silver spoons"?
I want to ride that little train.
Ooh, cheese and brita water.
Were you having the queen over?
That reminds me, I should go.
I need to make things right with my friends.
Cool.
Back to work.
-Mm. -Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
Well, rub rub tuggington's business is ruined.
Might as well watch.
You know what? The name's kind of growing on me.
Can you leave, roger?
How about instead of leaving,
We have a race to see who can finish first.
You're on!
Hey. I'm so sorry that I ruined our night.
I was just so nervous because I-I like you guys so much,
And I think you're so cool and --
Voice: Whoa. Slow down there, girl.
Let me slow down.
I guess you could say I got a little too in my own head.
Hayley, you don't have to be nervous
Or apologize for being weird.
Yeah. You have a husband and a job.
We think you're the one who's got it all figured out.
Really? Wow! I had no idea!
Klaus: Danuta!
Danuta! Danuta!
I have to tell you something, danuta!
What?
What is it, klaus?
Uhhhh...
Hey.
Bye-bye. See you soon.