1
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:07,050
Eighteen sheets of drywall
just sitting on the street.
2
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,530
And now they're mine.
3
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:11,228
I think I'm gonna build
a recording studio.
4
00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:12,795
Anyway,
what's new with you?
5
00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:16,755
Well, I recently came into
some big meerkat facts.
6
00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:20,629
Did you know meerkats
are more than mere cats?
7
00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:22,239
That's not a fact,
it's a joke
8
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,155
from your latest issue
of National Geographic Teen.
9
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,374
And you already
told it to me.
10
00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:27,897
- I did?
- Yes.
11
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,681
Tell me something new
with you.
12
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,118
Uh...
13
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,946
Oh.
I got laid last night.
14
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:37,080
And it was the best sex
of my life.
15
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,560
I was there.
16
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,997
But I agree.
I really outdid myself.
17
00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,391
Surely you've done something
I don't know about.
18
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:45,393
A moth laid eggs
in my ear.
19
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,525
You showed me.
Anything else?
20
00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,658
Hmm...
21
00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:53,227
Oh, I heard about
18 sheets of drywall
22
00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:54,619
just sitting
on the street.
23
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,404
You heard that from me.
24
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,146
[ Chair scraping ]
Couldn't help eavesdropping.
25
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,191
I'm also on
a crappy date.
26
00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:03,889
Oh, stop frowning.
We're still gonna smush.
27
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:06,936
Anyway, listen,
a relationship,
like all living things,
28
00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:10,374
is precious and--
and needs room to breathe.
29
00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:13,073
But being around each other
all the time is like...
30
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,987
well, it's like
only breathing in.
31
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,250
And that's impossible.
32
00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,687
Are you sure,
Mr. R?
33
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:22,952
[ Inhaling deeply ]
34
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,432
[ Exhales sharply ]
35
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:26,260
He's absolutely right.
36
00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:27,739
Please continue
with your metaphor.
37
00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,654
What you two need
is breathing room,
38
00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:32,266
some space to get
a little mystery back.
39
00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:33,528
Some space?
40
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:34,833
Is that what you want, babe?
41
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,097
I think that will be good
for us.
42
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,273
[ Coughing ]
43
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:40,796
Just spit it out.
44
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,667
That potato was a turnip.
45
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:45,670
Let's go, babe.
It's smush o'clock.
46
00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:51,763
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
47
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:55,593
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
Gonna be a wonderful day ♪
48
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:58,727
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
49
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:03,079
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
50
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:08,389
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
51
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,782
♪ Good--
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
52
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:11,870
Aah!
53
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:16,527
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
54
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,095
[ Brakes squeak ]
55
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,489
I don't want to
go in alone.
56
00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:24,013
You gotta go alone
so you can make a friend.
57
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:27,190
A friend is the first step
to giving us that
space we need.
58
00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:30,019
But my friends always
just disappear anyway.
59
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:32,717
Not all of them,
what about, uh...
60
00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:33,936
Todd Whatshisnuts?
61
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,764
Ted Whatshisnuts.
62
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:38,245
He turned into a ghost
just like the rest.
63
00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:41,073
We've been over this.
The term is "ghosted."
64
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,684
Your friends
ghosted you.
65
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,165
Still sounds spooky.
66
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,780
Do you believe in friendship
at first sight
67
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,738
or should I walk by
again?
68
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:56,176
[ Chuckles ]
Bro, that's a good one.
69
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,481
But I'm already
spoken for.
70
00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:59,309
My friendship bracelet.
71
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,876
Bro, this bro
brahthering you
72
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:04,096
about your brotiful
friendship brocelet, bro?
73
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,405
[ Brakes squeak ]
74
00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,190
A playground?
75
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:14,281
I dunno, babe, those metal
slides look really hot.
76
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,587
I read on Yahoo
that single dads at the park
77
00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:19,547
are lonely as hell
and dying to make friends.
78
00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:21,723
Which one's yours?
79
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:23,333
Oh I don't have a kid.
80
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,770
But I'd love to see
more of yours
81
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,990
if we start
hanging out.
82
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,733
[ Cell door clangs ]
83
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:34,344
No one in here even wants
to be my friend.
84
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,086
All they want to talk about
is this race war
85
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,696
that I guess is coming.
86
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:40,829
Did you know about this?
87
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,181
Greg:
The unthinkable has happened.
88
00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,792
The Guinness Record
holder for the world's
longest fingernails
89
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,794
died today
when the hot air balloon
90
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,535
he was riding in
was punctured after
91
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,103
he flashed the peace sign
to gawkers below.
92
00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,366
Gee, Mom, your nails
are pretty long,
93
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,847
maybe you could be the next
long-nail Guinness freak.
94
00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:01,153
I have always wanted
to be remembered
95
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:02,807
in the anals of history.
96
00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,809
And you've always wanted
to be a freak.
97
00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:08,552
I'm gonna combine
my two life goals.
98
00:04:08,552 --> 00:04:10,641
In business news,
Exxon is set to develop
99
00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:12,904
a gasoline-powered
electric chair.
100
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:16,256
[ Grunts ] I stockpiled
prenatal vitamins
101
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,302
when I was pregnant
with Steve, but I forgot
to take them.
102
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,739
Steve, that's why
you have brittle bones.
103
00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:25,961
They make hair and nails
grow crazy fast.
104
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,008
Go, Mom, go!
105
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,183
Aah-ha-ha!
106
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,536
You got off
to a rocky start,
107
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,668
but I have a good feeling
about today.
108
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,280
You. Dodgeball.
Make friend.
109
00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,110
Watch where you're going, jerk.
110
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:47,025
I'm no jerk.
I'm pretty nice.
111
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,245
I'm sorry, I'm just tense
because my wife's
112
00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:51,291
making me play dodgeball
to make friends.
113
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,596
But I don't wanna
make friends.
114
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,642
Me neither.
These wives.
115
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,470
I'd rather be
watching meerkats.
116
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,123
I love meerkats.
117
00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,387
Did you know that a group
of meerkats is called a mob?
118
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,172
That explains
my stupid favorite shirt.
119
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,349
[ Chuckles ]
120
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,482
Would you want to ditch
this dodgeball game
121
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,614
and go not be friends
together?
122
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:13,400
Uh, are meerkats immune
to most types of venom?
123
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,749
Are they?
Yeah they are.
124
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:17,055
Oh, no way.
125
00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:42,472
Say, "We Love Wild Willie's
Wild Wild West Photography."
126
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,474
Can we say
"best friends"?
127
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:45,780
Three best friends?
128
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,477
No.
Aw!
129
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:48,913
Two best friends!
Two best friends!
130
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:52,961
♪ Friend
131
00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:56,268
And my favorite dollar store
is right next to
132
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:59,663
the Wild West photo place,
so we got chicharrones.
133
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:01,709
Colby likes 'em, too.
134
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,493
Colby sounds heaven-sent, babe.
135
00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,843
Plus, I'm lovin'
these fresh stories.
136
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,368
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
Uhp, our weed
delivery's here.
137
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,370
Go, go, go!
That's important!
138
00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:19,553
♪
139
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:21,555
This isn't for weed.
140
00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:23,078
It's for hanging out
with Jeff.
141
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,949
I can spend it
on weed, though, right?
142
00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:26,386
If you're cool.
143
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,083
Well, I am cool.
144
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,519
That's why
I can't do this anymore.
145
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,913
But why?
It's working.
146
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,394
He's got all these
great new boring stories.
147
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,091
There's something off
about Jeff.
148
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,353
Yesterday,
he asked me why
149
00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,311
humans aren't born
wearing shoes.
150
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,444
That's not a normal
dumb thing to say.
151
00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:42,880
That's something
a psychopath
152
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,882
who's pretending
to be dumb would say.
153
00:06:44,882 --> 00:06:46,449
Look, if you want more,
I'll even throw in
154
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,233
a fully punched
Sub Hub card.
155
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,975
Just make sure you use it
at the one in Chimdale.
156
00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,237
I don't need
the headache
157
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,283
of trying to process
one of these things.
158
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,244
Why are you so sweaty?
159
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,464
Klaus just smoked me
in one-on-one.
160
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:02,900
I really don't want to
talk about it right now.
161
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,685
Or ever again.
162
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:07,905
- Hey, my first
"Around the World."
- Hayley: Shut up!
163
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:11,561
Lucky Klaus getting so lucky
on every shot.
164
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,607
Oh, Colby texted
an hour ago.
165
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:16,436
"Jeff's too creepy.
Ending things today."
166
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,176
Damn it.
We had an agreement.
167
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:21,919
What happened to honor among
clandestine co-conspirators?
168
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,575
Hey. Jeff.
Sweet, sweet baby.
169
00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:26,924
How was Colby?
170
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,491
Leave me alone.
171
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,712
[ Cellphone beeps,
line rings ]
172
00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,191
- Man: Hello.
- Alright Colby, give me
one reason
173
00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:35,019
I shouldn't pound your face
into the ground.
174
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,369
'Cause that would be
assaulting a police officer.
175
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,633
Police?
I thought I called Colby.
176
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:40,982
You did.
177
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,200
But Colby can't come
to the phone
178
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,725
because
he's been so murdered.
179
00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:47,249
What?
He was just with Jeff.
180
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,511
Well I don't know
who Jeff is,
181
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,513
but, hopefully,
he's not the killer.
182
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,602
Oh, God,
what have I done?
183
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:55,518
Yeah, hopefully not.
[ Chuckles ]
184
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,607
Yeah, hopefully not.
185
00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,175
[ Both laugh ]
186
00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,180
You're sure
Colby was murdered?
187
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,964
Yep,
definitely murdered.
188
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,401
Hey, Blatt, look.
I'm the dead guy.
189
00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:10,838
Bleh.
190
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,057
Jeff?
191
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,320
We need to talk
about Colby.
192
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,410
Uh, Colby?
193
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,803
He just texted me.
194
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:22,110
- Just texted you?
- Yeah, just now,
195
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:24,982
'cause our friendship
is normal and still happening.
196
00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:28,638
Off to do friend stuff.
197
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,641
Hayley, you look concerned,
and it's concerning me.
198
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,296
But is it concerning me,
the reason you're concerned?
199
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,602
[ Chuckles ]
Shut up.
200
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,820
I need to say something
out loud
201
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:38,561
just to hear
how crazy it sounds.
202
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,258
Could Jeff be
a murderer?
203
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,304
A murderer?
I don't see it.
204
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,741
But we should probably
ask an expert.
205
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,961
Ugh, couldn't find
my dang wig.
206
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:50,268
Name's Hollander Hollandaise,
Mindhunter--
207
00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,749
professional profiler
of serial killers...
208
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:53,881
like Jeff.
209
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,622
Jeff's not
a serial killer.
210
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,145
Oh, really?
211
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,060
What happened to the friends
he's had over the years?
212
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:02,106
He said
they turned into ghosts.
213
00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,586
That's basically
a confession.
214
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,980
He meant "ghosted."
Jeff's just bad at words.
215
00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:09,157
Counterpoint-- people close
to cold-blooded killers
216
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,594
are often the last to know--
ugh, I can't.
217
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:14,684
I see your eyes drifting up
to my wigless head.
218
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,730
You realize, of course,
this isn't the wig
219
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,035
that goes
with the costume,
220
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,602
but let's just try
to make it work.
221
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:22,605
Rogu is conspicuously
not responding to my texts
222
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:23,867
about the wig emergency.
223
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:26,391
Wait, he's typing.
224
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,784
No, he stopped.
225
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,873
Gotta get your story straight,
huh, Rogu?
226
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,788
Roger, please.
227
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:36,401
Exhibit "A"-- Jeff uses
nicknames such as "Mr. S."
228
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,404
or "babe" to decouple people
from their humanity.
229
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:42,582
Then he decouples their heads
from their bodies.
230
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,541
Exhibit "B"--
Jeff's dumb-guy act.
231
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:48,588
Clearly a cover for
the friend-annihilator within.
232
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,242
- Objection!
- This isn't a court. Overruled.
233
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:53,201
But I forced Jeff
to get a friend.
234
00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,724
He didn't even want one.
235
00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:57,771
Exhibit "C"--
He's resisting having a friend
236
00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:59,686
because he doesn't
want to be tempted.
237
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,253
Same reason I don't go
to Hometown Buffet.
238
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:07,563
Oh boy, Hayley,
I wish you hadn't said
Hometown Buffet.
239
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,217
Hayley, be honest.
240
00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,653
Did you hear it
when I farted
241
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,742
the entire car ride back
from the restaurant?
242
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:15,658
Look, I know everything
there is to know about Jeff.
243
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:16,877
He is not a killer.
244
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,226
Yeah,
you're probably right.
245
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,749
I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation
246
00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:20,968
for why Jeff's outside,
247
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,057
burning
his blood-covered clothes.
248
00:10:24,493 --> 00:10:26,408
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
249
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,671
I know. This one
doesn't work either.
250
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,152
Why won't Rogu
answer my texts?
251
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,417
Francine:
Now add the oregano.
252
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,114
Now I'll stir.
253
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,681
[ Gags ]
254
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,422
Whoa.
255
00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,685
Talk about nailing
the assignment.
256
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,860
Right?
257
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:46,341
Hey, you want to try
some sauce?
258
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,735
Ah-ah-ah.
Stay right there.
259
00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:53,043
[ Gags ]
260
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,089
Hm.
Not bad, Mom.
261
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:57,352
Unlike the news
I have for you--
262
00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:59,833
Guinness moved the qualifiers
to next week.
263
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,399
You'll have to wait
for next year's book.
264
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,924
Screw that.
I'm not waiting until
265
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:06,013
two-thousand
[ Mumbles indistinctly ]
266
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:09,407
I'm gonna find a way to get
into this year's book.
267
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:14,804
Something wrong, babe?
268
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,371
You're pretty quiet tonight.
269
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,286
What? No.
I was just thinking about
270
00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:21,028
how I know
you're a good person inside.
271
00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,464
Speaking of inside,
272
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,336
how come outside
you're wearing a new shirt?
273
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,903
What happened
to old shirt?
274
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,689
It became... unacceptable.
275
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,604
Oh, my.
That's a strange answer.
276
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,998
Hi. I'm Janice,
taking over for Brenda.
277
00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:37,044
She had a big bite of one
of the meats and choked.
278
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,698
Who's ready for
some lamb picanha?
279
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,787
I am,
waitress server lady.
280
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,702
Roger:
Uses nicknames.
281
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,313
Decouples people
from their humanity.
282
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,532
[ Grunting ]
283
00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,317
Can I give you
a hand?
284
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,193
[ Thinking ]
That's alarming
285
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,326
but also kind of sexy?
286
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,371
Roger: Uh-oh,
you're getting turned on.
287
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,157
It's a classic pitfall
of knowing a serial killer.
288
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,636
Danger is sexy.
289
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,900
Roger, are you talking
to me via telepathy?
290
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,771
No, this is just
from your memory.
291
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,165
But do you know where
the Xbox controller is?
292
00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,732
You know what,
I'll just call you.
293
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,298
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
294
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,300
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Fine. Don't pick up.
295
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,042
But I can tell you're starting
to want to bang your husband.
296
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,565
I would never.
297
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:24,613
Wow, you truly are
the master of meats.
298
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,615
Gross, babe.
299
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,921
Where are you going?
300
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:30,010
Wouldn't you
like to know?
301
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:32,839
- Hayley.
- Oh, my God!
302
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,362
Oh, please.
You were listening to me
303
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:36,190
as much as
I was listening to you.
304
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,105
And plus you-- you broke
305
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,324
the first three rules
of Mindhunting--
306
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,196
Don't. [Bleep]
The killer.
307
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,328
Come on,
Jeff is not a killer.
308
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,722
Then what's this
I found under the bed?
309
00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,899
A box of my old
Garbage Pail Kids?
310
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:52,075
Oh, my God,
I love these.
311
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,903
I'll grab mine.
We'll do some trades.
312
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,210
But first,
I mean these.
313
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,908
These are Jeff's
old friends.
314
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:01,258
With X's on their faces?
315
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,608
Houston,
we have a Dahmer.
316
00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,785
Stan: [ Singsong voice ]
Franci-ine.
317
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,788
I'm feeling sexual. Uh...
318
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,703
[ Fingernails crackling ]
Dr. Kalgary souped up
this dialysis machine
319
00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,793
so I can
mainline prenatals.
320
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,185
Wonderful.
321
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,839
Hear that crackling?
322
00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,798
That's my nails growing.
323
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,192
Now come to mama
in her special chair.
324
00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:24,412
Oh, unfortunately,
I just remembered
325
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,588
I have to
smell ya later.
326
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,030
Hayley: [ Gasps ]
Ted Whatshisnuts.
327
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,120
More like Dead Whatshisnuts,
am I right?
328
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,733
They're all dead
or missing.
329
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,301
So Jeff's officially
a serial killer.
330
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,433
Hooray!
331
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,652
But it just
can't be Jeff.
332
00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,785
There has to be
another explanation.
333
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,440
You could pay the Western
portrait shop a visit.
334
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,876
Jeff takes
all his victims there,
335
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,835
so it's likely rich
with meaning.
336
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,924
I'd go with you, but I'm
strictly behind the scenes
337
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,447
until I find
the right wig.
338
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:04,321
Willie: I wish I had
something to tell you,
339
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,715
other than I appreciate
his repeat business.
340
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:07,934
Do you mind if I have
a look around?
341
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,023
Be my guest.
Why don't I join you,
342
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:12,764
looking around separately
in a different area?
343
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,942
Jeff,
my future best bud.
344
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:18,292
I was hoping your wife
would really like me.
345
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:22,209
But it looks like she knows
my embarrassing secret--
346
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,559
I'm a crazy murderer.
[ Chuckles ]
347
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,213
Yeah, I've been killing
your friends for years
348
00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:28,650
so I could be
your one and only.
349
00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:31,392
And guess what?
I'm about to do it again.
350
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,134
[ Gasps ]
Pick up, pick up,
351
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,396
pick up, pick up.
Hayley, pick up.
352
00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,006
[ Cellphone vibrates,
beeps ]
353
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,921
Hayley.
You're in danger.
354
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,184
Of not hearing about
my new wig.
355
00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,665
It's a big, brown beaut
like they used to make.
356
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,233
[ Cellphone beeps,
door creaks ]
357
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:51,499
♪
358
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,936
Oh, my God.
W-Willie's the killer.
359
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,462
You ducked?
That's not very sporting.
360
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:03,554
[ Tires screech ]
Aah!
361
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,034
Babe!
362
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,908
Oh, he's so gentle
with her.
363
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,822
What a nice guy.
364
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:13,260
I'm killing for all
the right reasons.
365
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:16,045
Babe,
are you okay?
366
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,699
I'm fine,
but, um...
367
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,748
- Who are you?
- I'm babe.
368
00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,621
Oh.
And who am I?
369
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:28,188
You don't remember
who you are?
370
00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,625
I don't remember... anything.
371
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:33,019
Not even the shrine
or the altar?
372
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,021
Is that
the photo-shop guy?
373
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:36,196
I have no idea.
374
00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:38,763
What about now?
Who am I now?
375
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:41,984
Muzza vabuzza gabuzza.
Huh?
376
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,291
Gob gob gaboo.
Huh?
377
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,684
Come on.
378
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:49,861
It's Merlin Brando,
"The Godfather."
379
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,124
Jesus.
380
00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:52,777
Could I make it
any more obvious?
381
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:53,865
Sorry.
382
00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,650
Whatever.
Let's just go.
383
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,916
It appears Hayley has
a full-blown case
384
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:03,440
of "Muppets Take Manhattan"
style amnesia.
385
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,529
[ Crying ]
386
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:08,271
She can't remember anything,
not even her name.
387
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,795
Hayley, think fast.
Oh, tragic.
388
00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:13,146
She's going to need to be
painstakingly reintroduced
389
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,191
to every aspect
of her old life.
390
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,976
Sounds like
a husband problem.
391
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,413
- Me?
- No, not my husband.
392
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:20,762
You.
Me?
393
00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:23,069
No, follow the finger,
not the nail.
394
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:25,593
So you're...
my mom?
395
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:26,681
No.
396
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,509
Well, technically, yes.
397
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,119
But not right now.
398
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,687
I'm busy.
399
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:36,038
Hayley: Wow,
meerkats are so cute.
400
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,171
Right?
But did you know
401
00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:41,870
that they're more
than just mere cats?
402
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,960
[ Chuckles ]
That's so funny, babe.
403
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,657
[ Gasps ]
You called me "babe."
404
00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:49,182
- Isn't that your name?
- No, it's Jeff,
405
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,054
but I like it
when you call me babe, babe.
406
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,883
I like it
when you "babe" me.
407
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,102
Oh shoot.
408
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,538
Aw, don't worry.
409
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,757
I have a trick
for getting rid of stains.
410
00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:02,108
I don't know how to work
the washing machine
411
00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,806
so sometimes
with extra-tough stains
412
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,938
I'll just light
my clothes on fire.
413
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,157
Smart.
414
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,854
But why'd you
burn your clothes?
415
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,205
I didn't want you
to be naked in the backyard
416
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,684
all by yourself.
417
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,991
Wow,
you're really sweet.
418
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,775
Just last week,
I burned my clothes
419
00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:20,517
after I covered them
in ketchup at Burger King.
420
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:23,520
I was upset because
my friend Colby told me
421
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,001
he didn't want to be
friends with me anymore.
422
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,089
That sounds rough.
423
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,569
The worst part is,
424
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,397
I was too embarrassed
to tell you
425
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,442
because you wanted space.
426
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,357
Why would anyone want space
from you?
427
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:35,532
You're the best.
428
00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:39,362
Sto-op.
You're embarrassing me.
429
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:41,886
These are all the friends
who stopped texting me back,
430
00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:45,368
so then I put X's
on their faces to remember
not to bug them.
431
00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:47,196
Hm.
That's really considerate.
432
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,372
And these are all the family
who don't text me back.
433
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:51,113
Even Steve?
Yep.
434
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:54,247
Sometimes I sorta wish
Klaus was X'd out, too.
435
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:55,422
He can be a lot.
436
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,598
Wait,
there's no portrait of us.
437
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:58,990
We gotta get one taken.
438
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:02,037
Wow, your brain's healing
so fast.
439
00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:04,735
You're already remembering
how to have fun.
440
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,045
Boom.
441
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:12,178
I'm so sorry.
That was pure instinct.
442
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,136
I'm just naturally
a mad defender.
443
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:18,053
There are parts of me
that are 300 years old.
444
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:21,143
But I'm young
where it counts.
445
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:25,930
Mm.
These are baby caterpillars.
446
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,410
So how you feeling,
Mom?
447
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,412
I got this in the bag.
448
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,023
Hey,
see that strongman lady?
449
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:33,112
I'm gonna tickle her.
450
00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,724
[ Chuckles ]
451
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,987
Noooo!
452
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,641
[ Laughter ]
453
00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,077
Man: Stop laughing.
454
00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:45,428
I see something
hidden in the hair.
455
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,169
A gorgeous human horn.
456
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,518
The prenatals.
457
00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,868
They made me grow
a cutaneous horn.
458
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,740
Look it up.
It's a real thing.
459
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,308
Madam, you're going straight
in our book.
460
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:59,442
I know, it's a corny joke,
but sex sells.
461
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:00,791
You'd be surprised
how many people
462
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,489
use this book as porn.
463
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:09,583
So, have you lovebirds
been in before?
464
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,541
Not me, but Jeff's
been in a few times.
465
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:14,370
What can I say?
I'm just a little cowboy.
466
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,111
My little cowboy.
467
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,679
- Sorry?
- Oh, just private mutterings.
468
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,811
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
469
00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,424
[ Thinking ]
I'm remembering.
470
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,819
Oh, no.
471
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:31,996
Oh, God.
472
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,565
Jeff, he's the killer.
473
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,132
He killed
all your friends.
474
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:38,394
Ah, phooey.
475
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,222
Alright,
time for more murder.
476
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:42,050
Run, Jeff!
477
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,834
I don't understand
what's happening!
478
00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,489
Freeze, Willie.
479
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,796
You know my name.
480
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,885
Oh, you don't even
have a gun.
481
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:54,062
Jeff, "freeze" is what people
who have guns say.
482
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,716
Sorry,
I'm bad at words.
483
00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,762
But I'm good at attacking you
like a meerkat.
484
00:19:58,762 --> 00:20:01,243
Ca-ca-caw!
Caw!
485
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:04,203
Okay, here's the plan--
I shoot you in both knees,
486
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,641
kill your wife, and then
visit you in the hospital.
487
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,209
We'll get through this
together, as friends.
488
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,255
I have a few problems
with the plan.
489
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,823
Now that my Mindhunter look
is complete,
490
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:19,696
off to arrest
and/or kill Jeff,
that murderer.
491
00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:22,003
Man, I gotta feel the wind
in this baby.
492
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,134
Aah!
493
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,571
[ Tires screech,
Willie screams ]
494
00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:26,486
Someone stop that dog
with a wig in its mouth!
495
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,791
It's from Europe!
496
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,490
The wig, I mean.
The dog looks local.
497
00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,884
[ Police radio chatter ]
498
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:36,409
- [ Siren wails ]
- Hey!
499
00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:40,543
So we agree--
no more space for a while?
500
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:43,459
I'm gonna be right
by your side, babe.
501
00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,245
Hey, your friends
didn't ghost you after all.
502
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,029
They were just murdered
by a maniac.
503
00:20:48,029 --> 00:20:49,378
Oh, yeah.
504
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:51,380
It's a happy ending.
505
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,948
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
506
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,257
Have a great night!