1 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:07,050 Eighteen sheets of drywall just sitting on the street. 2 00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,530 And now they're mine. 3 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:11,228 I think I'm gonna build a recording studio. 4 00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:12,795 Anyway, what's new with you? 5 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:16,755 Well, I recently came into some big meerkat facts. 6 00:00:16,755 --> 00:00:20,629 Did you know meerkats are more than mere cats? 7 00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:22,239 That's not a fact, it's a joke 8 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:25,155 from your latest issue of National Geographic Teen. 9 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,374 And you already told it to me. 10 00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:27,897 - I did? - Yes. 11 00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,681 Tell me something new with you. 12 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,118 Uh... 13 00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,946 Oh. I got laid last night. 14 00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:37,080 And it was the best sex of my life. 15 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,560 I was there. 16 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,997 But I agree. I really outdid myself. 17 00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,391 Surely you've done something I don't know about. 18 00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:45,393 A moth laid eggs in my ear. 19 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,525 You showed me. Anything else? 20 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,658 Hmm... 21 00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:53,227 Oh, I heard about 18 sheets of drywall 22 00:00:53,227 --> 00:00:54,619 just sitting on the street. 23 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,404 You heard that from me. 24 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,146 [ Chair scraping ] Couldn't help eavesdropping. 25 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,191 I'm also on a crappy date. 26 00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:03,889 Oh, stop frowning. We're still gonna smush. 27 00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:06,936 Anyway, listen, a relationship, like all living things, 28 00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:10,374 is precious and-- and needs room to breathe. 29 00:01:10,374 --> 00:01:13,073 But being around each other all the time is like... 30 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,987 well, it's like only breathing in. 31 00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,250 And that's impossible. 32 00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,687 Are you sure, Mr. R? 33 00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:22,952 [ Inhaling deeply ] 34 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,432 [ Exhales sharply ] 35 00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:26,260 He's absolutely right. 36 00:01:26,260 --> 00:01:27,739 Please continue with your metaphor. 37 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,654 What you two need is breathing room, 38 00:01:29,654 --> 00:01:32,266 some space to get a little mystery back. 39 00:01:32,266 --> 00:01:33,528 Some space? 40 00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:34,833 Is that what you want, babe? 41 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,097 I think that will be good for us. 42 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,273 [ Coughing ] 43 00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:40,796 Just spit it out. 44 00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,667 That potato was a turnip. 45 00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:45,670 Let's go, babe. It's smush o'clock. 46 00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:51,763 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 47 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:55,593 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's Gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 48 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:58,727 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 49 00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:03,079 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 50 00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:08,389 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say 51 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,782 ♪ Good-- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 52 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:11,870 Aah! 53 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:16,527 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. 54 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,095 [ Brakes squeak ] 55 00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,489 I don't want to go in alone. 56 00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:24,013 You gotta go alone so you can make a friend. 57 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:27,190 A friend is the first step to giving us that space we need. 58 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:30,019 But my friends always just disappear anyway. 59 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:32,717 Not all of them, what about, uh... 60 00:02:32,717 --> 00:02:33,936 Todd Whatshisnuts? 61 00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,764 Ted Whatshisnuts. 62 00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:38,245 He turned into a ghost just like the rest. 63 00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:41,073 We've been over this. The term is "ghosted." 64 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,684 Your friends ghosted you. 65 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,165 Still sounds spooky. 66 00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,780 Do you believe in friendship at first sight 67 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:53,738 or should I walk by again? 68 00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:56,176 [ Chuckles ] Bro, that's a good one. 69 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,481 But I'm already spoken for. 70 00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:59,309 My friendship bracelet. 71 00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:00,876 Bro, this bro brahthering you 72 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:04,096 about your brotiful friendship brocelet, bro? 73 00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:08,405 [ Brakes squeak ] 74 00:03:08,405 --> 00:03:10,190 A playground? 75 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:14,281 I dunno, babe, those metal slides look really hot. 76 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,587 I read on Yahoo that single dads at the park 77 00:03:16,587 --> 00:03:19,547 are lonely as hell and dying to make friends. 78 00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:21,723 Which one's yours? 79 00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:23,333 Oh I don't have a kid. 80 00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:25,770 But I'd love to see more of yours 81 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:27,990 if we start hanging out. 82 00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,733 [ Cell door clangs ] 83 00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:34,344 No one in here even wants to be my friend. 84 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,086 All they want to talk about is this race war 85 00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,696 that I guess is coming. 86 00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:40,829 Did you know about this? 87 00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,181 Greg: The unthinkable has happened. 88 00:03:45,181 --> 00:03:47,792 The Guinness Record holder for the world's longest fingernails 89 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,794 died today when the hot air balloon 90 00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,535 he was riding in was punctured after 91 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,103 he flashed the peace sign to gawkers below. 92 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,366 Gee, Mom, your nails are pretty long, 93 00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:58,847 maybe you could be the next long-nail Guinness freak. 94 00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:01,153 I have always wanted to be remembered 95 00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:02,807 in the anals of history. 96 00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,809 And you've always wanted to be a freak. 97 00:04:04,809 --> 00:04:08,552 I'm gonna combine my two life goals. 98 00:04:08,552 --> 00:04:10,641 In business news, Exxon is set to develop 99 00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:12,904 a gasoline-powered electric chair. 100 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:16,256 [ Grunts ] I stockpiled prenatal vitamins 101 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,302 when I was pregnant with Steve, but I forgot to take them. 102 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,739 Steve, that's why you have brittle bones. 103 00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:25,961 They make hair and nails grow crazy fast. 104 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:30,008 Go, Mom, go! 105 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,183 Aah-ha-ha! 106 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:35,536 You got off to a rocky start, 107 00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:37,668 but I have a good feeling about today. 108 00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,280 You. Dodgeball. Make friend. 109 00:04:43,805 --> 00:04:45,110 Watch where you're going, jerk. 110 00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:47,025 I'm no jerk. I'm pretty nice. 111 00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,245 I'm sorry, I'm just tense because my wife's 112 00:04:49,245 --> 00:04:51,291 making me play dodgeball to make friends. 113 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,596 But I don't wanna make friends. 114 00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:54,642 Me neither. These wives. 115 00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,470 I'd rather be watching meerkats. 116 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,123 I love meerkats. 117 00:04:58,123 --> 00:05:00,387 Did you know that a group of meerkats is called a mob? 118 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,172 That explains my stupid favorite shirt. 119 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,349 [ Chuckles ] 120 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,482 Would you want to ditch this dodgeball game 121 00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,614 and go not be friends together? 122 00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:13,400 Uh, are meerkats immune to most types of venom? 123 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,749 Are they? Yeah they are. 124 00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:17,055 Oh, no way. 125 00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:42,472 Say, "We Love Wild Willie's Wild Wild West Photography." 126 00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,474 Can we say "best friends"? 127 00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:45,780 Three best friends? 128 00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,477 No. Aw! 129 00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:48,913 Two best friends! Two best friends! 130 00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:52,961 ♪ Friend 131 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:56,268 And my favorite dollar store is right next to 132 00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:59,663 the Wild West photo place, so we got chicharrones. 133 00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:01,709 Colby likes 'em, too. 134 00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,493 Colby sounds heaven-sent, babe. 135 00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,843 Plus, I'm lovin' these fresh stories. 136 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,368 [ Cellphone vibrates ] Uhp, our weed delivery's here. 137 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,370 Go, go, go! That's important! 138 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:19,553 ♪ 139 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:21,555 This isn't for weed. 140 00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:23,078 It's for hanging out with Jeff. 141 00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,949 I can spend it on weed, though, right? 142 00:06:24,949 --> 00:06:26,386 If you're cool. 143 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,083 Well, I am cool. 144 00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,519 That's why I can't do this anymore. 145 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,913 But why? It's working. 146 00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,394 He's got all these great new boring stories. 147 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,091 There's something off about Jeff. 148 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,353 Yesterday, he asked me why 149 00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,311 humans aren't born wearing shoes. 150 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,444 That's not a normal dumb thing to say. 151 00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:42,880 That's something a psychopath 152 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,882 who's pretending to be dumb would say. 153 00:06:44,882 --> 00:06:46,449 Look, if you want more, I'll even throw in 154 00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,233 a fully punched Sub Hub card. 155 00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,975 Just make sure you use it at the one in Chimdale. 156 00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,237 I don't need the headache 157 00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:54,283 of trying to process one of these things. 158 00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,244 Why are you so sweaty? 159 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,464 Klaus just smoked me in one-on-one. 160 00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:02,900 I really don't want to talk about it right now. 161 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,685 Or ever again. 162 00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:07,905 - Hey, my first "Around the World." - Hayley: Shut up! 163 00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:11,561 Lucky Klaus getting so lucky on every shot. 164 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,607 Oh, Colby texted an hour ago. 165 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:16,436 "Jeff's too creepy. Ending things today." 166 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,176 Damn it. We had an agreement. 167 00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:21,919 What happened to honor among clandestine co-conspirators? 168 00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,575 Hey. Jeff. Sweet, sweet baby. 169 00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:26,924 How was Colby? 170 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,491 Leave me alone. 171 00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:31,712 [ Cellphone beeps, line rings ] 172 00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:33,191 - Man: Hello. - Alright Colby, give me one reason 173 00:07:33,191 --> 00:07:35,019 I shouldn't pound your face into the ground. 174 00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,369 'Cause that would be assaulting a police officer. 175 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,633 Police? I thought I called Colby. 176 00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:40,982 You did. 177 00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,200 But Colby can't come to the phone 178 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,725 because he's been so murdered. 179 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:47,249 What? He was just with Jeff. 180 00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,511 Well I don't know who Jeff is, 181 00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,513 but, hopefully, he's not the killer. 182 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,602 Oh, God, what have I done? 183 00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:55,518 Yeah, hopefully not. [ Chuckles ] 184 00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,607 Yeah, hopefully not. 185 00:07:57,607 --> 00:08:00,175 [ Both laugh ] 186 00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,180 You're sure Colby was murdered? 187 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,964 Yep, definitely murdered. 188 00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:09,401 Hey, Blatt, look. I'm the dead guy. 189 00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:10,838 Bleh. 190 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,057 Jeff? 191 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,320 We need to talk about Colby. 192 00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,410 Uh, Colby? 193 00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,803 He just texted me. 194 00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:22,110 - Just texted you? - Yeah, just now, 195 00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:24,982 'cause our friendship is normal and still happening. 196 00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:28,638 Off to do friend stuff. 197 00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:31,641 Hayley, you look concerned, and it's concerning me. 198 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:34,296 But is it concerning me, the reason you're concerned? 199 00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,602 [ Chuckles ] Shut up. 200 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:36,820 I need to say something out loud 201 00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:38,561 just to hear how crazy it sounds. 202 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,258 Could Jeff be a murderer? 203 00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,304 A murderer? I don't see it. 204 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,741 But we should probably ask an expert. 205 00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,961 Ugh, couldn't find my dang wig. 206 00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:50,268 Name's Hollander Hollandaise, Mindhunter-- 207 00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,749 professional profiler of serial killers... 208 00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:53,881 like Jeff. 209 00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,622 Jeff's not a serial killer. 210 00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,145 Oh, really? 211 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,060 What happened to the friends he's had over the years? 212 00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:02,106 He said they turned into ghosts. 213 00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,586 That's basically a confession. 214 00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,980 He meant "ghosted." Jeff's just bad at words. 215 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:09,157 Counterpoint-- people close to cold-blooded killers 216 00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,594 are often the last to know-- ugh, I can't. 217 00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:14,684 I see your eyes drifting up to my wigless head. 218 00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,730 You realize, of course, this isn't the wig 219 00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:18,035 that goes with the costume, 220 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,602 but let's just try to make it work. 221 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:22,605 Rogu is conspicuously not responding to my texts 222 00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:23,867 about the wig emergency. 223 00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:26,391 Wait, he's typing. 224 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,784 No, he stopped. 225 00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,873 Gotta get your story straight, huh, Rogu? 226 00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,788 Roger, please. 227 00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:36,401 Exhibit "A"-- Jeff uses nicknames such as "Mr. S." 228 00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:39,404 or "babe" to decouple people from their humanity. 229 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:42,582 Then he decouples their heads from their bodies. 230 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,541 Exhibit "B"-- Jeff's dumb-guy act. 231 00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:48,588 Clearly a cover for the friend-annihilator within. 232 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,242 - Objection! - This isn't a court. Overruled. 233 00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:53,201 But I forced Jeff to get a friend. 234 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:54,724 He didn't even want one. 235 00:09:54,724 --> 00:09:57,771 Exhibit "C"-- He's resisting having a friend 236 00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:59,686 because he doesn't want to be tempted. 237 00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:02,253 Same reason I don't go to Hometown Buffet. 238 00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:07,563 Oh boy, Hayley, I wish you hadn't said Hometown Buffet. 239 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,217 Hayley, be honest. 240 00:10:09,217 --> 00:10:10,653 Did you hear it when I farted 241 00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,742 the entire car ride back from the restaurant? 242 00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:15,658 Look, I know everything there is to know about Jeff. 243 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:16,877 He is not a killer. 244 00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:18,226 Yeah, you're probably right. 245 00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,749 I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation 246 00:10:19,749 --> 00:10:20,968 for why Jeff's outside, 247 00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,057 burning his blood-covered clothes. 248 00:10:24,493 --> 00:10:26,408 [ Gasps ] Oh, my God. 249 00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:28,671 I know. This one doesn't work either. 250 00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:31,152 Why won't Rogu answer my texts? 251 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,417 Francine: Now add the oregano. 252 00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:37,114 Now I'll stir. 253 00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,681 [ Gags ] 254 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,422 Whoa. 255 00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,685 Talk about nailing the assignment. 256 00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,860 Right? 257 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:46,341 Hey, you want to try some sauce? 258 00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:48,735 Ah-ah-ah. Stay right there. 259 00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:53,043 [ Gags ] 260 00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,089 Hm. Not bad, Mom. 261 00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:57,352 Unlike the news I have for you-- 262 00:10:57,352 --> 00:10:59,833 Guinness moved the qualifiers to next week. 263 00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,399 You'll have to wait for next year's book. 264 00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,924 Screw that. I'm not waiting until 265 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:06,013 two-thousand [ Mumbles indistinctly ] 266 00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:09,407 I'm gonna find a way to get into this year's book. 267 00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:14,804 Something wrong, babe? 268 00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,371 You're pretty quiet tonight. 269 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,286 What? No. I was just thinking about 270 00:11:18,286 --> 00:11:21,028 how I know you're a good person inside. 271 00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,464 Speaking of inside, 272 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,336 how come outside you're wearing a new shirt? 273 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:26,903 What happened to old shirt? 274 00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:29,689 It became... unacceptable. 275 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,604 Oh, my. That's a strange answer. 276 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,998 Hi. I'm Janice, taking over for Brenda. 277 00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:37,044 She had a big bite of one of the meats and choked. 278 00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,698 Who's ready for some lamb picanha? 279 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,787 I am, waitress server lady. 280 00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,702 Roger: Uses nicknames. 281 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,313 Decouples people from their humanity. 282 00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,532 [ Grunting ] 283 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,317 Can I give you a hand? 284 00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,193 [ Thinking ] That's alarming 285 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,326 but also kind of sexy? 286 00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,371 Roger: Uh-oh, you're getting turned on. 287 00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:03,157 It's a classic pitfall of knowing a serial killer. 288 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,636 Danger is sexy. 289 00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,900 Roger, are you talking to me via telepathy? 290 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,771 No, this is just from your memory. 291 00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,165 But do you know where the Xbox controller is? 292 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:12,732 You know what, I'll just call you. 293 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,298 [ Cellphone vibrates ] 294 00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,300 [ Cellphone beeps ] Fine. Don't pick up. 295 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,042 But I can tell you're starting to want to bang your husband. 296 00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:20,565 I would never. 297 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:24,613 Wow, you truly are the master of meats. 298 00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,615 Gross, babe. 299 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:27,921 Where are you going? 300 00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:30,010 Wouldn't you like to know? 301 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:32,839 - Hayley. - Oh, my God! 302 00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,362 Oh, please. You were listening to me 303 00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:36,190 as much as I was listening to you. 304 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,105 And plus you-- you broke 305 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,324 the first three rules of Mindhunting-- 306 00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,196 Don't. [Bleep] The killer. 307 00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:44,328 Come on, Jeff is not a killer. 308 00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,722 Then what's this I found under the bed? 309 00:12:46,722 --> 00:12:49,899 A box of my old Garbage Pail Kids? 310 00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:52,075 Oh, my God, I love these. 311 00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:53,903 I'll grab mine. We'll do some trades. 312 00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,210 But first, I mean these. 313 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:58,908 These are Jeff's old friends. 314 00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:01,258 With X's on their faces? 315 00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,608 Houston, we have a Dahmer. 316 00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,785 Stan: [ Singsong voice ] Franci-ine. 317 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,788 I'm feeling sexual. Uh... 318 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,703 [ Fingernails crackling ] Dr. Kalgary souped up this dialysis machine 319 00:13:11,703 --> 00:13:13,793 so I can mainline prenatals. 320 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,185 Wonderful. 321 00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,839 Hear that crackling? 322 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,798 That's my nails growing. 323 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,192 Now come to mama in her special chair. 324 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:24,412 Oh, unfortunately, I just remembered 325 00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,588 I have to smell ya later. 326 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,030 Hayley: [ Gasps ] Ted Whatshisnuts. 327 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,120 More like Dead Whatshisnuts, am I right? 328 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,733 They're all dead or missing. 329 00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:44,301 So Jeff's officially a serial killer. 330 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:45,433 Hooray! 331 00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,652 But it just can't be Jeff. 332 00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:49,785 There has to be another explanation. 333 00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,440 You could pay the Western portrait shop a visit. 334 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,876 Jeff takes all his victims there, 335 00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:55,835 so it's likely rich with meaning. 336 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,924 I'd go with you, but I'm strictly behind the scenes 337 00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,447 until I find the right wig. 338 00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:04,321 Willie: I wish I had something to tell you, 339 00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:06,715 other than I appreciate his repeat business. 340 00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:07,934 Do you mind if I have a look around? 341 00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:10,023 Be my guest. Why don't I join you, 342 00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:12,764 looking around separately in a different area? 343 00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:15,942 Jeff, my future best bud. 344 00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:18,292 I was hoping your wife would really like me. 345 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:22,209 But it looks like she knows my embarrassing secret-- 346 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,559 I'm a crazy murderer. [ Chuckles ] 347 00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,213 Yeah, I've been killing your friends for years 348 00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:28,650 so I could be your one and only. 349 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:31,392 And guess what? I'm about to do it again. 350 00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,134 [ Gasps ] Pick up, pick up, 351 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,396 pick up, pick up. Hayley, pick up. 352 00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,006 [ Cellphone vibrates, beeps ] 353 00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,921 Hayley. You're in danger. 354 00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,184 Of not hearing about my new wig. 355 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,665 It's a big, brown beaut like they used to make. 356 00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:46,233 [ Cellphone beeps, door creaks ] 357 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:51,499 ♪ 358 00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,936 Oh, my God. W-Willie's the killer. 359 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,462 You ducked? That's not very sporting. 360 00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:03,554 [ Tires screech ] Aah! 361 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,034 Babe! 362 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,908 Oh, he's so gentle with her. 363 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,822 What a nice guy. 364 00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:13,260 I'm killing for all the right reasons. 365 00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:16,045 Babe, are you okay? 366 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,699 I'm fine, but, um... 367 00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:23,748 - Who are you? - I'm babe. 368 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:26,621 Oh. And who am I? 369 00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:28,188 You don't remember who you are? 370 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,625 I don't remember... anything. 371 00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:33,019 Not even the shrine or the altar? 372 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,021 Is that the photo-shop guy? 373 00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:36,196 I have no idea. 374 00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:38,763 What about now? Who am I now? 375 00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:41,984 Muzza vabuzza gabuzza. Huh? 376 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,291 Gob gob gaboo. Huh? 377 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,684 Come on. 378 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:49,861 It's Merlin Brando, "The Godfather." 379 00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,124 Jesus. 380 00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:52,777 Could I make it any more obvious? 381 00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:53,865 Sorry. 382 00:15:53,865 --> 00:15:55,650 Whatever. Let's just go. 383 00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,916 It appears Hayley has a full-blown case 384 00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:03,440 of "Muppets Take Manhattan" style amnesia. 385 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,529 [ Crying ] 386 00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:08,271 She can't remember anything, not even her name. 387 00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,795 Hayley, think fast. Oh, tragic. 388 00:16:10,795 --> 00:16:13,146 She's going to need to be painstakingly reintroduced 389 00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:15,191 to every aspect of her old life. 390 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,976 Sounds like a husband problem. 391 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,413 - Me? - No, not my husband. 392 00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:20,762 You. Me? 393 00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:23,069 No, follow the finger, not the nail. 394 00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:25,593 So you're... my mom? 395 00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:26,681 No. 396 00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,509 Well, technically, yes. 397 00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,119 But not right now. 398 00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,687 I'm busy. 399 00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:36,038 Hayley: Wow, meerkats are so cute. 400 00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,171 Right? But did you know 401 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:41,870 that they're more than just mere cats? 402 00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,960 [ Chuckles ] That's so funny, babe. 403 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,657 [ Gasps ] You called me "babe." 404 00:16:46,657 --> 00:16:49,182 - Isn't that your name? - No, it's Jeff, 405 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:52,054 but I like it when you call me babe, babe. 406 00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,883 I like it when you "babe" me. 407 00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,102 Oh shoot. 408 00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,538 Aw, don't worry. 409 00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,757 I have a trick for getting rid of stains. 410 00:16:59,757 --> 00:17:02,108 I don't know how to work the washing machine 411 00:17:02,108 --> 00:17:04,806 so sometimes with extra-tough stains 412 00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,938 I'll just light my clothes on fire. 413 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,157 Smart. 414 00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,854 But why'd you burn your clothes? 415 00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,205 I didn't want you to be naked in the backyard 416 00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,684 all by yourself. 417 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,991 Wow, you're really sweet. 418 00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:17,775 Just last week, I burned my clothes 419 00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:20,517 after I covered them in ketchup at Burger King. 420 00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:23,520 I was upset because my friend Colby told me 421 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,001 he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. 422 00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:27,089 That sounds rough. 423 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,569 The worst part is, 424 00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:30,397 I was too embarrassed to tell you 425 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,442 because you wanted space. 426 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,357 Why would anyone want space from you? 427 00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:35,532 You're the best. 428 00:17:35,532 --> 00:17:39,362 Sto-op. You're embarrassing me. 429 00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:41,886 These are all the friends who stopped texting me back, 430 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:45,368 so then I put X's on their faces to remember not to bug them. 431 00:17:45,368 --> 00:17:47,196 Hm. That's really considerate. 432 00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:49,372 And these are all the family who don't text me back. 433 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:51,113 Even Steve? Yep. 434 00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:54,247 Sometimes I sorta wish Klaus was X'd out, too. 435 00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:55,422 He can be a lot. 436 00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,598 Wait, there's no portrait of us. 437 00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:58,990 We gotta get one taken. 438 00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:02,037 Wow, your brain's healing so fast. 439 00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:04,735 You're already remembering how to have fun. 440 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,045 Boom. 441 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:12,178 I'm so sorry. That was pure instinct. 442 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,136 I'm just naturally a mad defender. 443 00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:18,053 There are parts of me that are 300 years old. 444 00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:21,143 But I'm young where it counts. 445 00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:25,930 Mm. These are baby caterpillars. 446 00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:27,410 So how you feeling, Mom? 447 00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,412 I got this in the bag. 448 00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:32,023 Hey, see that strongman lady? 449 00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:33,112 I'm gonna tickle her. 450 00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,724 [ Chuckles ] 451 00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,987 Noooo! 452 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,641 [ Laughter ] 453 00:18:40,641 --> 00:18:42,077 Man: Stop laughing. 454 00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:45,428 I see something hidden in the hair. 455 00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,169 A gorgeous human horn. 456 00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:48,518 The prenatals. 457 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:50,868 They made me grow a cutaneous horn. 458 00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,740 Look it up. It's a real thing. 459 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,308 Madam, you're going straight in our book. 460 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:59,442 I know, it's a corny joke, but sex sells. 461 00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:00,791 You'd be surprised how many people 462 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,489 use this book as porn. 463 00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:09,583 So, have you lovebirds been in before? 464 00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,541 Not me, but Jeff's been in a few times. 465 00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:14,370 What can I say? I'm just a little cowboy. 466 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,111 My little cowboy. 467 00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,679 - Sorry? - Oh, just private mutterings. 468 00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:20,811 [ Camera shutter clicking ] 469 00:19:23,118 --> 00:19:24,424 [ Thinking ] I'm remembering. 470 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,819 Oh, no. 471 00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:31,996 Oh, God. 472 00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:35,565 Jeff, he's the killer. 473 00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,132 He killed all your friends. 474 00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:38,394 Ah, phooey. 475 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,222 Alright, time for more murder. 476 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:42,050 Run, Jeff! 477 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:43,834 I don't understand what's happening! 478 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,489 Freeze, Willie. 479 00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,796 You know my name. 480 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,885 Oh, you don't even have a gun. 481 00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:54,062 Jeff, "freeze" is what people who have guns say. 482 00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,716 Sorry, I'm bad at words. 483 00:19:55,716 --> 00:19:58,762 But I'm good at attacking you like a meerkat. 484 00:19:58,762 --> 00:20:01,243 Ca-ca-caw! Caw! 485 00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:04,203 Okay, here's the plan-- I shoot you in both knees, 486 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,641 kill your wife, and then visit you in the hospital. 487 00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,209 We'll get through this together, as friends. 488 00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:13,255 I have a few problems with the plan. 489 00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:15,823 Now that my Mindhunter look is complete, 490 00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:19,696 off to arrest and/or kill Jeff, that murderer. 491 00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:22,003 Man, I gotta feel the wind in this baby. 492 00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,134 Aah! 493 00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,571 [ Tires screech, Willie screams ] 494 00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:26,486 Someone stop that dog with a wig in its mouth! 495 00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,791 It's from Europe! 496 00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,490 The wig, I mean. The dog looks local. 497 00:20:31,578 --> 00:20:33,884 [ Police radio chatter ] 498 00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:36,409 - [ Siren wails ] - Hey! 499 00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:40,543 So we agree-- no more space for a while? 500 00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:43,459 I'm gonna be right by your side, babe. 501 00:20:43,459 --> 00:20:46,245 Hey, your friends didn't ghost you after all. 502 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,029 They were just murdered by a maniac. 503 00:20:48,029 --> 00:20:49,378 Oh, yeah. 504 00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:51,380 It's a happy ending. 505 00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:53,948 [ Camera shutter clicks ] 506 00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,257 Have a great night!