1 00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:02,334 ♪♪ 2 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,468 [ slurp ] 3 00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,537 Guys, I'm sorry my parents 4 00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:09,474 Were blasting steely dan so loud during our sleepover. 5 00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,344 I've asked them a million times to play something current 6 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,679 To cover the sounds of their lovemaking -- 7 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,148 Like soulja boy! 8 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,483 God, they're embarrassing! 9 00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:22,287 It's okay, barry. Everyone's family can be embarrassing. 10 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,757 My mom still cuts my sandwiches into hearts. 11 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:29,628 I'm 15! My sandwiches should be shaped like lightning bolts! 12 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,895 Tell me about it. 13 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,564 The other day, I slipped in a puddle of lube 14 00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,300 My uncle roger spilled prepping for his orgy, 15 00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,036 And I slid into my sister's three-foot bong. 16 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,705 Then my parents ran in dueling with these prop swords 17 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,508 From "lord of the rings" my dad bought on ebay. 18 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:46,244 My mom took a reckless orc-style swing at my dad 19 00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:48,046 But sliced me instead! 20 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,915 [ chuckles ] I bled and bled. 21 00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,185 Steve, your family sounds 22 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:56,054 Chaotic, unstable... Unhealthy. 23 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,257 Hey, steve. I'm stealin' this to show porno at my orgy. 24 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,525 Keep the homies horny. 25 00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,327 That's your uncle, right? 26 00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,529 Okay, so my family's a little unconventional. 27 00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:05,930 But when it really matters, 28 00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:07,666 We're always there for each other. 29 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,401 Be careful sharing this stuff. 30 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,936 Someone could report you to social services. 31 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:15,007 Who'd report me? You guys? My best friends? 32 00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:17,209 Or, you, really cool new kid? 33 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:20,212 So cool. I know I can trust you. 34 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,014 Cowabunga! 35 00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:25,550 I've been told a disturbing story about your family 36 00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:28,152 From my undercover social services narc. 37 00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:29,822 Cowabunga! 38 00:01:29,824 --> 00:01:31,756 You? A narc? 39 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,558 I'm sorry, but a social worker 40 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,894 Will need to make a home visit to the smith house. 41 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:36,961 Social worker?! 42 00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:39,031 Home visit?! Smith house?! 43 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,765 Cowabunga! 44 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,435 ♪♪ 45 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,704 ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪ 46 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:49,641 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 47 00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,644 ♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 48 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:57,349 ♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪ 49 00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,521 ♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 50 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,057 ♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪ 51 00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,191 Aah! 52 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:10,795 ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪ 53 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,997 ♪♪ 54 00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:15,200 A social worker?! Could they take steve 55 00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:18,403 If they see something dangerous like swords lying around? 56 00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,606 Swords? Oh, you mean my uruk-hai scimitars. 57 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,608 These are investments! You wouldn't believe 58 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:26,144 How much "lord of the rings" fans pay for this stuff. 59 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,946 How much did you pay? 60 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,214 An undisclosed amount. 61 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:30,883 Here's my biggest investment yet -- 62 00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,417 An extra-large one ring 63 00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,887 Used on set to create forced perspective. 64 00:02:34,889 --> 00:02:35,954 [ ding! ] 65 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,622 Don't worry, hayley. 66 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,892 Remember the last time a social worker came? 67 00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:42,427 When you were breastfeeding steve at his high school? 68 00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:45,230 We just call social services, get wendell again, 69 00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,099 And bribe his ass! 70 00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:48,767 Wendell was fired?! 71 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,435 Woman: Yes, for taking bribes. 72 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,637 Yuck! We hate bribes! 73 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,440 Around here, bribes are a big taboo. 74 00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:56,441 [ belches ] 75 00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:58,310 Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that. 76 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,178 So if you could just send someone else 77 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,046 Easygoing, hates rules, 78 00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,115 Is... Very bribable? 79 00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,382 Bribable works! 80 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:05,918 We'll waive the taboo just this once. 81 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,120 Says here the social worker visiting your home 82 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:11,055 Is jack hardass. 83 00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,724 Gonna mute ya for a sec. 84 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:13,658 [ beep ] 85 00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,660 All: Jack hardass?! [ beep ] 86 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,996 We're assuming his name is hilariously ironic 87 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:20,732 Because he's so nice and has a soft, jiggly booty? 88 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:23,602 Jack hardass is just like his name. 89 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,203 Mother [bleep]! 90 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,606 They're gonna take my precious boy! 91 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,674 [ all sobbing ] 92 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:32,477 Heard about the precious boy! Got here as fast as I could! 93 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,947 Stop. No one is taking me. 94 00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,215 Like I told snot when he said our family 95 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,551 Was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy... 96 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,019 That piece of shit. 97 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,621 When it really counts, 98 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,823 The smiths are always there for each other. 99 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,825 Snot is becoming a problem. 100 00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:49,595 One thing at a time. But just so we remember... 101 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,167 ♪♪ 102 00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:58,636 Jack hardass is coming tomorrow. We'll be ready. 103 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,639 Social service's healthy home checklist -- 104 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,842 A.K.A. Hardass's bible. 105 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,978 "a home free of dangerous items." 106 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,847 Like these swords, stan! 107 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,315 I've been talking to buckle. 108 00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,384 He's gonna buy the one ring off me tonight. 109 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,319 I'll try to sell him the swords, too. 110 00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:17,189 "all content must be age-appropriate." 111 00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:18,857 So no sex stuff. 112 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,926 Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy 113 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,794 And surrendering my sex drugs. 114 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,996 Goodbye, horny-goat-weed-viagra mix 115 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,465 That can almost guarantee arousal. 116 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,668 So long, remote for my wireless porno rig. 117 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,070 Careful. I disabled the off-button, 118 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,672 So once it's on, it never stops playing porn. 119 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,008 If you need me, I'll be hiding in the walls. 120 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,610 No personas tomorrow. 121 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:42,548 Mr. R, you'll be like bruno from dis-a-ney's "encanto"! 122 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,550 You're right! What if I made the house 123 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:47,085 Magically come to life like in "encanto"? 124 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,755 Floorboards flappin' and clappin' like castanets. 125 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,557 Silent in the walls will be fine. 126 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,625 Now, to make sure we impress hardass, 127 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,961 I compiled a cia dossier on him. 128 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,829 Hardass has high-class tastes -- 129 00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,766 Fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast. 130 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,236 So we'll serve him the fanciest dish of all time -- 131 00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:05,771 Beef wellington. 132 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,373 Hayley and I can try making 133 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:10,108 A practice wellington tonight, mr. S! 134 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,043 And I'm adopting cats right now! 135 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,047 But classy guys don't like seeing anything weird, 136 00:05:15,049 --> 00:05:16,514 So no talking fish. 137 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,116 Anything for steve. 138 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,251 Hands in, everybody! 139 00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,319 For our precious boy! 140 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,988 All: Whoo! 141 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,391 ♪♪ 142 00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:28,393 Practice wellington's looking good! 143 00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,061 Great! Now remember, steve. 144 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,198 All you gotta do is smile, look happy. 145 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,201 Mediocre. Think "al roker." 146 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,470 Now give me "joker"! 147 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,472 That's a happy boy! 148 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,408 I'm not willing to risk wrinkling 149 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,942 Any of my slacks before tomorrow. 150 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,344 But what's that circular lump? 151 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,880 My one ring, stored in the place made specifically 152 00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,216 For a man's most valuable possessions -- 153 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,752 The little front pocket of his undies. 154 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:54,886 Where should jeff and I sit? 155 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,955 Nowhere. You'll be our butlers. 156 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,624 -Okay! -The hell you talkin' about?! 157 00:05:58,626 --> 00:05:59,958 We need to project wealth. 158 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,760 Same reason we built the dumbwaiter. 159 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,561 Also because of your burp 160 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,764 During the call with social services. 161 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,101 A.K.A. "burpgate." it was too crude. 162 00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:12,570 So we hired actors to play our new, classy, 163 00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:15,173 Hardbodied jeff and hayley! 164 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,443 What?! Why are we being singled out?! 165 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:21,179 You're the one who got wild servals instead of normal cats! 166 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,315 [ servals growling ] 167 00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,849 They seemed fancier! 168 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:29,187 Maybe I'll put out a casting call for big-chinned dopes 169 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,657 And pink-dressed idiots to replace you! 170 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:32,924 [ knock on door ] 171 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:33,925 Who could that be? 172 00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:37,429 Hello. I'm jack hardass. 173 00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,065 All: Jack hardass?! 174 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,467 A night early?! 175 00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,535 Stan, you said you wrote the date 176 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,471 In your most important calendar! 177 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:46,938 Most valuable calendar. 178 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,874 From the release of "fellowship of the ring"! 179 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:52,144 That's from when the movie came out in 2001! 180 00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:53,411 The dates are all off! 181 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,746 Uh, what do we do?! 182 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,882 We'll just have to impress hardass tonight! 183 00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,750 Do you think he noticed I wasn't wearing pants? 184 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,285 -Yes. -Oh, yeah. -Hundred percent. 185 00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,955 Hm. Well, then I didn't shave for nothing. 186 00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,559 The social worker's here! We're not ready! 187 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,893 And it's all your fault, stan! 188 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,695 Who writes down an important date 189 00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,697 In a calendar from 2001?! 190 00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,767 A lot of people in 2001 did! 191 00:07:14,769 --> 00:07:16,435 [ servals grunting ] 192 00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,771 Steve's a goner because of you two! 193 00:07:18,773 --> 00:07:20,905 You deserve to be the stupid... 194 00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,375 Buttlers! [ both gasp ] 195 00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:25,243 I'mma drop you like a bad hobbit! 196 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,578 Come on! [ knock on door ] 197 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,181 You said you could do this -- for me -- 198 00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:30,582 And I believe in you! 199 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,851 Let's be there for each other, smiths! 200 00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,653 I'll hide the swords! I'll hide the servals! 201 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,388 I got the sex drugs! 202 00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:37,856 [ frantic music plays ] 203 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:43,395 ♪♪ 204 00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,197 [ knock on door ] stan: Butler hayley, get the door! 205 00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:48,467 Francine: A final touch of class -- the roomba! 206 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,136 Remember, steve, just keep smiling. 207 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,406 [deep voice] you rang? 208 00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:56,140 I knocked. 209 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,810 For 10 minutes. 210 00:07:57,812 --> 00:07:59,144 Sorry. I couldn't find my pants. 211 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,745 But you probably didn't even notice. 212 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,882 I noticed. And made a note. 213 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,818 Um, let's meet the family. 214 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,886 My beautiful wife, francine. 215 00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,888 My burp-free daughter, hayley. 216 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,024 Her husband, jeff, who is very stupid. 217 00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,559 These are our butlers, who should go serve 218 00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:17,295 The practice wellingtons. 219 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,763 Dinner is almost ready. 220 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,833 We're having beef wellington, as usual. 221 00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:23,568 Why a "practice" wellington? 222 00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:27,706 Because practice wellington makes perfect wellington! 223 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,574 This is the famous steve. 224 00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,444 May I take your coat, mr. Hardass? 225 00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:36,048 Roger: Go, go, "encanto" magic coat hook! 226 00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:37,716 Shh! 227 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,584 [ clattering ] [ servals snarling ] 228 00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:40,919 So we're not bothered 229 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,587 By the hustle and bustle in the kitchen. 230 00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,588 Care for a drink? 231 00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,524 Iced tea, please. 232 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,860 A wonnnnderful choice, mr. Hardass! 233 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,796 They ate the practice wellingtons! 234 00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,265 Make new ones! 235 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,268 [softly] get the servals out of there now. 236 00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,070 [normal voice] you, go help with dinner. 237 00:08:58,072 --> 00:09:00,138 Please, mr. Hardass, take a seat. 238 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,606 Dinner won't be for a while. 239 00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:04,676 You said it was "almost ready." 240 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,746 H-he said it was all moist and ruddy, 241 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,814 Which is how he refers to raw meat. 242 00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,617 [ doorbell rings ] 243 00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:13,818 [ stan gasps ] 244 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,020 Just some roaming degenerates. 245 00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,956 Not around my precious boy! 246 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,225 Now, excuse me. I'm gonna get some fresh air. 247 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,426 And my iced tea? 248 00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,362 Did I say "fresh air"? I meant "fresh mint." 249 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,497 For your iced tea! 250 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,433 We're here for hayley smith's casting call 251 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,635 For big-chinned dopes and pink-dressed idiots. 252 00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,437 What?! Well, you have to leave! 253 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,906 Not until we get an audition! 254 00:09:33,908 --> 00:09:36,040 We're desperate local actors! 255 00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,041 [ gulp! ] 256 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:40,279 Steve, do you ever feel...Unsafe? 257 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,847 Klaus: Schwing! Oh! 258 00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,450 Did your fish just say "schwing"? 259 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,985 Mnh. [ servals growling ] 260 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:47,986 Aah! 261 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,455 Let's watch some educational tv! 262 00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,258 Man: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Woman: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 263 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:57,596 I can hear something, but I'm not seeing the picture. 264 00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,398 Woman: Oh, yeah! 265 00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:02,601 I'll check on that iced tea! 266 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,868 [ funk music playing ] 267 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,537 It won't turn off! 268 00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,205 This'll muffle it. 269 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,407 We made new wellingtons 270 00:10:08,409 --> 00:10:11,276 With graham crackers, flour, and hamburger meat. 271 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,677 Iced tea's ready! 272 00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:14,613 You almost screwed us hiring those actors, hayley! 273 00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,815 Luckily, I thought of hiding them in the basement. 274 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,817 I hid the servals in the basement! 275 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,753 [ servals growling ] [ man screams ] 276 00:10:20,755 --> 00:10:22,554 They're only local actors. 277 00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,356 If we're all in here... 278 00:10:24,358 --> 00:10:26,091 Then who's with hardass? 279 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,361 ♪ on the good ship rogupop ♪ 280 00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:30,629 ♪ it's a sweet... ♪ 281 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,964 Rogu, shoo! 282 00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:34,366 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 283 00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:35,567 But I do have your tea. 284 00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:37,636 I'm not seeing the fresh mint. 285 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,172 Aah! Mint! The man wants mint! 286 00:10:40,174 --> 00:10:41,239 Francine: On it! 287 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,709 Oh, god! Hardass is gonna take me away! 288 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,911 The only thing hardass is taking away 289 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,914 Is the takeaway that we make great wellington! 290 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,850 Mmm! Now bring it upstairs 291 00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:54,386 So it can come down the dumbwaiter. 292 00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:57,122 Nice save. Where'd you get the mint? 293 00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,524 [breathlessly] from the edge of the woods. 294 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,592 Edge of the woods? 295 00:11:00,594 --> 00:11:02,728 That's not mint! It's poison ivy! 296 00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:04,929 Dinner's ready! 297 00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:07,866 Some water for you, mr. Ass. 298 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,335 Good news -- the servals are upstairs. 299 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,405 Bad news -- the actors in the basement are begging for food. 300 00:11:13,407 --> 00:11:15,073 I've heard you have 301 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,942 "lord of the rings" weapons in the house? 302 00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,545 Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell. 303 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,414 Sounds like a good investment, though. 304 00:11:22,416 --> 00:11:23,748 I'm sorry. 305 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,617 Weapons from "lord of the rings" 306 00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,220 Are...A good investment? 307 00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,823 Yeah, people will pay a fortune for movie props. 308 00:11:30,825 --> 00:11:31,956 I know I did -- would. 309 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,758 What stans means is... 310 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,428 "lord of the rings" talk is forbidden here. 311 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,898 Or as the great forest elves of mirkwood say... 312 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,034 "avanwa..." unh! Mnh! 313 00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:44,169 Mr. Smith, are you crying? 314 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,971 I just love my boy so much. 315 00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:48,240 [ doorbell rings ] 316 00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,976 I'm here to buy the ring! 317 00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,778 "lord of the rings" is forbidden! Go away! 318 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:56,048 I'm back as if nothing happened. 319 00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:58,983 Stan, I was just insisting 320 00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:02,187 We show mr. Hardass steve's college fund. 321 00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:06,658 It's so full, the boys at schwab say it's a modern marvel. 322 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,860 Gah! 323 00:12:07,862 --> 00:12:10,529 Oh, no! The roomba's stuck! 324 00:12:10,531 --> 00:12:13,598 He can't see the college fund. I used it to buy the one ring. 325 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,267 Hardass: Is everything okay down there? 326 00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,135 Just sell the ring to buckle 327 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,738 And get that money back in the account so we can show him. 328 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:21,005 I sent buckle away! 329 00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,274 Unsend him away! 330 00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:26,679 Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh. 331 00:12:26,681 --> 00:12:28,881 Gotta go call the manufacturer. 332 00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:32,951 Can I ask you about that small gray person? 333 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,954 I'm afraid I have no explanation for that. 334 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,422 Sorry I yelled at you. 335 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,758 I got possessed by greed, much like smeagol. 336 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,760 The ring is that legit! 337 00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,495 Send in the wellington! 338 00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:45,297 [ whirring ] 339 00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,568 I need to see you in the kitchen right now. 340 00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:51,035 Mrs. Smith, your glass. 341 00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:53,171 Oh! What are you doing?! 342 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,640 Please excuse me. I need to go, uh -- 343 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,777 Let's see. Something normal. Something normal. 344 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,512 Spank my lady butler! 345 00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:01,914 Klaus: Schwing! 346 00:13:01,916 --> 00:13:03,248 There it is again! 347 00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:06,851 We can't serve the beef wellington! Why not? 348 00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:09,321 Jeff used this instead of flour. 349 00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:11,790 It's chaos out there! What is going on?! 350 00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:15,193 The beef wellington is filled with roger's sex drugs! 351 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,395 Oh, my god. [ funk music playing ] 352 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,131 The roomba got stuck under it! 353 00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,532 Where the hell is dad?! 354 00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:24,402 [ gasps ] mr. S ate so much sex wellington! 355 00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,405 Since we both bank with schwab, you can instantly transfer 356 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,207 The $25,000 to my account. 357 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,010 But first I need to see the ring! 358 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,545 One sec. Let me retrieve it. 359 00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:35,748 [ zipper slides ] francine: Stan! 360 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,884 All the beef wellington you ate was dosed with viagra! 361 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:43,288 Not ideal, but we should be okay as long as nothing arouses me. 362 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,491 Woman: Ohh! All over my glasses! 363 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:50,763 Ohh...Ohh...Ohh. Ohh-ohh. 364 00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:52,164 Ow! Ugh! [ sobbing ] 365 00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:53,766 Big bone. So what? 366 00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:55,900 During the engorgement, the one ring 367 00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:58,570 Slid out of its pocket and got stuck... 368 00:13:58,572 --> 00:14:00,105 On my eye of sauron! 369 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,575 So, uh, how long have you two known each other? 370 00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:04,777 We just met today. 371 00:14:04,779 --> 00:14:06,445 That's a fast marriage. 372 00:14:06,447 --> 00:14:09,714 Oh, my god. [ gasps ] this wellington is orgasmic! 373 00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,850 Mmm! Mmm! 374 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,485 [ actor hayley giggles ] 375 00:14:16,457 --> 00:14:17,923 All: Food! 376 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:26,331 Bad butler! We'll clean you up in the bathroom. 377 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:30,202 Roger: A little "encanto" will save the day. 378 00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,871 Go, go, "encanto" magic toilet! 379 00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:35,540 [ grunting ] 380 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,408 Oh, god! Oh, god! 381 00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:39,478 Mrs. S, the actors in the basement 382 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,213 Are horny from the wellington 383 00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,615 And they're climbing up the dumbwaiter to your bedroom! 384 00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:44,616 I'm busy! 385 00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:47,820 The bathroom is just in here. 386 00:14:47,822 --> 00:14:49,754 [ roger screaming ] 387 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,624 I can show you the ring, but it has to be in private. 388 00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:54,292 [ servals growl ] 389 00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,961 Not in there. In here. [ servals snarl ] 390 00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,763 [ both moaning ] 391 00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:01,000 My daughter's having sex in there. 392 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,037 I'm having sex in there! 393 00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:07,105 Screw this! I'm leaving! 394 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,907 Wait! I can show you in here! 395 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,975 Don't worry about the bathroom. 396 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:13,178 Because I've seen enough. 397 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,247 Please don't take steve away! 398 00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,781 [ woman moaning ] 399 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,383 [ laughs ] take steve? 400 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:21,920 It's not against the law to have a dinner go badly. 401 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,122 What I really care about is the boy. 402 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,725 And he was smiling all night. 403 00:15:27,862 --> 00:15:31,730 What's healthier than smiling all the time no matter what? 404 00:15:31,732 --> 00:15:33,465 Now I must be going. 405 00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,400 It's elven tradition to view the ring 406 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,369 Only through this hole I made. 407 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,339 I believe I see 408 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:44,809 One of peter jackson's curly beard hairs! 409 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,278 Not included. [ ding! ] 410 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,180 Hardass: Good night, mr. Smith. 411 00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:53,685 We did it, everybody! 412 00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,820 [ family cheering ] 413 00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,089 Sorry. Forgot my... 414 00:15:57,091 --> 00:15:59,157 [ servals snarl ] ...Coat. 415 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,426 Roger: Something's wrong with your toilet! 416 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:06,164 Man: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Ohh! 417 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,433 Wild cats. 418 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:11,570 Pornos. Toilet man. 419 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,241 A high-end... Penis dealer? 420 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,910 It's not what it looks like! 421 00:16:17,912 --> 00:16:21,045 And a talking fish. 422 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,981 I've changed my assessment. 423 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,117 I'm taking the boy. 424 00:16:25,119 --> 00:16:26,585 -No! -Please! 425 00:16:26,587 --> 00:16:27,920 -We can do better! -We'll get rid of the fish! 426 00:16:27,922 --> 00:16:29,588 You know what? I'm ready to go. 427 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,925 All we had to do was get our act together for one night. 428 00:16:32,927 --> 00:16:34,993 You know who does have their act together? 429 00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,729 The foster-care system! 430 00:16:36,731 --> 00:16:38,430 Let's go, hardass. 431 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:45,204 Great. Now I've lost two things. 432 00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:49,307 ♪♪ 433 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,043 [ stan and francine sobbing ] 434 00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:53,912 I can't believe steve is gone! 435 00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,214 [ knock on door ] 436 00:16:56,984 --> 00:16:58,984 Hi. I'm jack hardass. 437 00:16:58,986 --> 00:17:00,986 [ servals yowl ] all: Jack hardass?! 438 00:17:00,988 --> 00:17:03,521 This guy had an official lanyard. 439 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,257 He's the real hardass. 440 00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:07,325 Then who's that guy who took steve?! 441 00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:10,462 A kidnapper! And a financially savvy one at that. 442 00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,798 He wants to exchange the boy for this. 443 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,067 We have to go save him! But we can't let real hardass know 444 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,203 We gave our son to a kidnapper! 445 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,838 I have an idea. 446 00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,541 Hello! I'm stan -- line? 447 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:24,943 Francine: Smith! Smith! 448 00:17:24,945 --> 00:17:26,544 Come in! 449 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,214 [ tires squeal ] 450 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,816 Did someone just steal your car? 451 00:17:30,818 --> 00:17:34,086 As long as they don't steal my precious boy! 452 00:17:34,088 --> 00:17:36,822 I like your attitude, mr. Smith. 453 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,091 Where are we doing the exchange? We're not. 454 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:42,961 Steve would never want us to sacrifice the one ring. 455 00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:45,497 So I traced the texts to the kidnapper's hideout. 456 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,432 We'll steal steve back. 457 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,234 I just don't get who would do this. 458 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,037 Who would want that ring this badly? 459 00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:54,039 [ ominous music plays ] 460 00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:59,777 ♪♪ 461 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,047 Stan: Dear god! It's elijah wood! 462 00:18:02,049 --> 00:18:03,715 Francine: There's sean astin! 463 00:18:03,717 --> 00:18:05,484 Hayley: Dominic monaghan! 464 00:18:06,454 --> 00:18:09,655 Jeff: Jack hardass is billy boyd! 465 00:18:09,657 --> 00:18:11,790 The hobbits from "lord of the rings" 466 00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:13,125 Kidnapped steve?! 467 00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:15,461 Pernicious boyd has my precious boy, 468 00:18:15,463 --> 00:18:17,595 And he wants my precious! Oy! 469 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,264 Here's the plan. I sneak in -- 470 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,066 Can't I sneak in this time? 471 00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,068 You made hayley and I be the butlers. 472 00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:24,736 We should sneak in. 473 00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,004 I sneak in. 474 00:18:26,006 --> 00:18:27,072 I sneak in. We sneak in. 475 00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:30,876 [ all grunting ] 476 00:18:30,878 --> 00:18:32,144 Aah! 477 00:18:32,146 --> 00:18:34,880 Oh, no! Steve was right. 478 00:18:34,882 --> 00:18:39,017 Even when we try to come together, it's utter chaos! 479 00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:40,352 But maybe we could... 480 00:18:40,354 --> 00:18:43,088 Use that chaos to our advantage? 481 00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,822 [ classical music playing ] 482 00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,958 Why didn't you just steal the ring? 483 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,294 Billy boyd: I was so shocked it was on his penis, 484 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,296 I panicked and stole his kid! 485 00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,298 This is a bad idea. 486 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,632 You know the rules! 487 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,836 On the set of "fellowship," we swore an oath. 488 00:18:58,706 --> 00:19:02,240 All: To always support each other's passion projects 489 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,709 No matter what. 490 00:19:03,711 --> 00:19:07,045 And I need this ring so I can sell it and use the profits 491 00:19:07,047 --> 00:19:11,049 To fund my new tequila brand -- casa smeagol's. 492 00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:11,983 [ knock on door ] 493 00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:16,388 ♪♪ 494 00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:19,925 Hey! Ol' petey sent us beef wellingtons! 495 00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:21,059 I'm starved! 496 00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:24,129 That family kept slapping food out of my hands. 497 00:19:24,131 --> 00:19:27,866 Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [ giggles ] 498 00:19:29,737 --> 00:19:33,739 Man: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! 499 00:19:33,741 --> 00:19:35,407 Ohh! Ohh! 500 00:19:35,409 --> 00:19:37,809 [ all groaning ] 501 00:19:37,811 --> 00:19:39,144 Oh, yeah! 502 00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:41,279 We're all getting erections! 503 00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:44,950 Who knew when I got these for stargazing 504 00:19:44,952 --> 00:19:49,020 I'd be gazing at star billy boyd's boner?! 505 00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,956 [ all groaning ] 506 00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:54,226 Roger: I'm done joking. Someone help me out of this thing! 507 00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,561 [ servals snarling ] 508 00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:58,296 [ hobbits screaming ] 509 00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,631 [ gasps ] 510 00:20:01,369 --> 00:20:03,301 Steve, you were right. 511 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,837 We're so sorry about how we acted. 512 00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:07,373 Steve: [muffled] that's okay, guys! 513 00:20:07,375 --> 00:20:09,307 And I'm sorry I emptied your college fund 514 00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,708 To buy the one ring. 515 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,178 You did what?! [ video call ringing ] 516 00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:14,646 He's demanding to see steve. 517 00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:15,847 He's heading up to his bedroom. 518 00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:18,250 Stall him. Just say something stupid -- 519 00:20:18,252 --> 00:20:19,985 Like you've realized family's everything. 520 00:20:19,987 --> 00:20:22,854 I learned to appreciate my family! 521 00:20:22,856 --> 00:20:25,591 Oh, mr. Smith, that's wonderful. 522 00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:29,060 [ tires screech ] 523 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:33,232 ♪♪ 524 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,334 Steve: Just finishing up my homework 525 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,805 On the history of burlap sacks. 526 00:20:39,807 --> 00:20:43,676 From fish to sticks, they truly held it all. 527 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,812 Precious as advertised. 528 00:20:48,482 --> 00:20:51,216 What a perfect family! Good night! 529 00:20:51,218 --> 00:20:54,420 ♪♪ 530 00:20:54,422 --> 00:20:58,156 My precious family. 531 00:20:58,158 --> 00:20:59,792 Bye! Have a great time!