1
00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:02,334
♪♪
2
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,468
[ slurp ]
3
00:00:03,470 --> 00:00:05,537
Guys, I'm sorry my parents
4
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:09,474
Were blasting steely dan so loud
during our sleepover.
5
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,344
I've asked them a million times
to play something current
6
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,679
To cover the sounds
of their lovemaking --
7
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,148
Like soulja boy!
8
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,483
God, they're
embarrassing!
9
00:00:18,485 --> 00:00:22,287
It's okay, barry. Everyone's
family can be embarrassing.
10
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,757
My mom still cuts
my sandwiches into hearts.
11
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:29,628
I'm 15! My sandwiches should be
shaped like lightning bolts!
12
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,895
Tell me about it.
13
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,564
The other day, I slipped
in a puddle of lube
14
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,300
My uncle roger spilled
prepping for his orgy,
15
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,036
And I slid into my sister's
three-foot bong.
16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,705
Then my parents ran in dueling
with these prop swords
17
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,508
From "lord of the rings"
my dad bought on ebay.
18
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:46,244
My mom took a reckless
orc-style swing at my dad
19
00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:48,046
But sliced me instead!
20
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,915
[ chuckles ]
I bled and bled.
21
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,185
Steve,
your family sounds
22
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:56,054
Chaotic, unstable...
Unhealthy.
23
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,257
Hey, steve. I'm stealin' this
to show porno at my orgy.
24
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,525
Keep the homies horny.
25
00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,327
That's your uncle,
right?
26
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,529
Okay, so my family's
a little unconventional.
27
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:05,930
But when it really matters,
28
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:07,666
We're always there
for each other.
29
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,401
Be careful
sharing this stuff.
30
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,936
Someone could report you
to social services.
31
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:15,007
Who'd report me?
You guys? My best friends?
32
00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:17,209
Or, you,
really cool new kid?
33
00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:20,212
So cool.
I know I can trust you.
34
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,014
Cowabunga!
35
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:25,550
I've been told a disturbing
story about your family
36
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:28,152
From my undercover
social services narc.
37
00:01:28,154 --> 00:01:29,822
Cowabunga!
38
00:01:29,824 --> 00:01:31,756
You? A narc?
39
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,558
I'm sorry,
but a social worker
40
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,894
Will need to make a home visit
to the smith house.
41
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:36,961
Social worker?!
42
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:39,031
Home visit?!
Smith house?!
43
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,765
Cowabunga!
44
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,435
♪♪
45
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,704
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
46
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:49,641
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
47
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,644
♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
48
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:57,349
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the american race ♪
49
00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,521
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
50
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,057
♪ good -- ♪
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
51
00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,191
Aah!
52
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:10,795
♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪
53
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,997
♪♪
54
00:02:12,999 --> 00:02:15,200
A social worker?!
Could they take steve
55
00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:18,403
If they see something dangerous
like swords lying around?
56
00:02:18,405 --> 00:02:21,606
Swords? Oh, you mean
my uruk-hai scimitars.
57
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:23,608
These are investments!
You wouldn't believe
58
00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:26,144
How much "lord of the rings"
fans pay for this stuff.
59
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,946
How much did you pay?
60
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,214
An undisclosed amount.
61
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:30,883
Here's my biggest
investment yet --
62
00:02:30,885 --> 00:02:32,417
An extra-large one ring
63
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:34,887
Used on set to create
forced perspective.
64
00:02:34,889 --> 00:02:35,954
[ ding! ]
65
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,622
Don't worry, hayley.
66
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,892
Remember the last time
a social worker came?
67
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:42,427
When you were breastfeeding
steve at his high school?
68
00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:45,230
We just call social services,
get wendell again,
69
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,099
And bribe his ass!
70
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:48,767
Wendell was fired?!
71
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:50,435
Woman:
Yes, for taking bribes.
72
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:52,637
Yuck! We hate bribes!
73
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,440
Around here, bribes
are a big taboo.
74
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:56,441
[ belches ]
75
00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:58,310
Hayley! Shh!
Sorry about that.
76
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,178
So if you could
just send someone else
77
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,046
Easygoing,
hates rules,
78
00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,115
Is...
Very bribable?
79
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,382
Bribable works!
80
00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:05,918
We'll waive the taboo
just this once.
81
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,120
Says here the social worker
visiting your home
82
00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:11,055
Is jack hardass.
83
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,724
Gonna mute ya
for a sec.
84
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:13,658
[ beep ]
85
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,660
All: Jack hardass?!
[ beep ]
86
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,996
We're assuming his name
is hilariously ironic
87
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:20,732
Because he's so nice
and has a soft, jiggly booty?
88
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:23,602
Jack hardass
is just like his name.
89
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,203
Mother [bleep]!
90
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,606
They're gonna take
my precious boy!
91
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,674
[ all sobbing ]
92
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:32,477
Heard about the precious boy!
Got here as fast as I could!
93
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:34,947
Stop.
No one is taking me.
94
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,215
Like I told snot
when he said our family
95
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,551
Was unstable,
chaotic, unhealthy...
96
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,019
That piece of shit.
97
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,621
When it really counts,
98
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,823
The smiths are always
there for each other.
99
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,825
Snot is becoming
a problem.
100
00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:49,595
One thing at a time.
But just so we remember...
101
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,167
♪♪
102
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:58,636
Jack hardass is coming tomorrow.
We'll be ready.
103
00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,639
Social service's
healthy home checklist --
104
00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:03,842
A.K.A. Hardass's bible.
105
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,978
"a home free of
dangerous items."
106
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,847
Like these swords, stan!
107
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,315
I've been talking
to buckle.
108
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:12,384
He's gonna buy the one ring
off me tonight.
109
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,319
I'll try to sell him
the swords, too.
110
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:17,189
"all content must be
age-appropriate."
111
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:18,857
So no sex stuff.
112
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,926
Don't worry.
I'm postponing my orgy
113
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,794
And surrendering
my sex drugs.
114
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,996
Goodbye,
horny-goat-weed-viagra mix
115
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,465
That can almost
guarantee arousal.
116
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,668
So long, remote for
my wireless porno rig.
117
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,070
Careful.
I disabled the off-button,
118
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,672
So once it's on,
it never stops playing porn.
119
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,008
If you need me,
I'll be hiding in the walls.
120
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,610
No personas tomorrow.
121
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:42,548
Mr. R, you'll be like bruno
from dis-a-ney's "encanto"!
122
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,550
You're right!
What if I made the house
123
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:47,085
Magically come to life
like in "encanto"?
124
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,755
Floorboards flappin'
and clappin' like castanets.
125
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:51,557
Silent in the walls
will be fine.
126
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,625
Now, to make sure
we impress hardass,
127
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,961
I compiled
a cia dossier on him.
128
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,829
Hardass has
high-class tastes --
129
00:04:57,831 --> 00:05:00,766
Fancy food, fancy cats,
fancy feast.
130
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,236
So we'll serve him the fanciest
dish of all time --
131
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:05,771
Beef wellington.
132
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,373
Hayley and I
can try making
133
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:10,108
A practice wellington
tonight, mr. S!
134
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,043
And I'm adopting cats
right now!
135
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:15,047
But classy guys don't like
seeing anything weird,
136
00:05:15,049 --> 00:05:16,514
So no talking fish.
137
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,116
Anything for steve.
138
00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:19,251
Hands in, everybody!
139
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,319
For our precious boy!
140
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,988
All: Whoo!
141
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,391
♪♪
142
00:05:25,393 --> 00:05:28,393
Practice wellington's
looking good!
143
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:30,061
Great!
Now remember, steve.
144
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,198
All you gotta do
is smile, look happy.
145
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,201
Mediocre.
Think "al roker."
146
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,470
Now give me "joker"!
147
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,472
That's a happy boy!
148
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,408
I'm not willing
to risk wrinkling
149
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,942
Any of my slacks
before tomorrow.
150
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,344
But what's
that circular lump?
151
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,880
My one ring, stored in
the place made specifically
152
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,216
For a man's most valuable
possessions --
153
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,752
The little front pocket
of his undies.
154
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:54,886
Where should
jeff and I sit?
155
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,955
Nowhere.
You'll be our butlers.
156
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,624
-Okay!
-The hell you talkin' about?!
157
00:05:58,626 --> 00:05:59,958
We need to
project wealth.
158
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,760
Same reason we built
the dumbwaiter.
159
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,561
Also because of your burp
160
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,764
During the call
with social services.
161
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,101
A.K.A. "burpgate."
it was too crude.
162
00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:12,570
So we hired actors
to play our new, classy,
163
00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:15,173
Hardbodied
jeff and hayley!
164
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,443
What?! Why are we
being singled out?!
165
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:21,179
You're the one who got wild
servals instead of normal cats!
166
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,315
[ servals growling ]
167
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,849
They seemed fancier!
168
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:29,187
Maybe I'll put out a casting
call for big-chinned dopes
169
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,657
And pink-dressed idiots
to replace you!
170
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:32,924
[ knock on door ]
171
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:33,925
Who could that be?
172
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:37,429
Hello.
I'm jack hardass.
173
00:06:38,532 --> 00:06:40,065
All: Jack hardass?!
174
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,467
A night early?!
175
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,535
Stan, you said
you wrote the date
176
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,471
In your most important
calendar!
177
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:46,938
Most valuable
calendar.
178
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,874
From the release of
"fellowship of the ring"!
179
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:52,144
That's from when the movie
came out in 2001!
180
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:53,411
The dates are all off!
181
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,746
Uh, what do we do?!
182
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,882
We'll just have to
impress hardass tonight!
183
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,750
Do you think he noticed
I wasn't wearing pants?
184
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,285
-Yes.
-Oh, yeah.
-Hundred percent.
185
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,955
Hm. Well, then I didn't shave
for nothing.
186
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,559
The social worker's here!
We're not ready!
187
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:08,893
And it's all your fault,
stan!
188
00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,695
Who writes down
an important date
189
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:12,697
In a calendar
from 2001?!
190
00:07:12,699 --> 00:07:14,767
A lot of people
in 2001 did!
191
00:07:14,769 --> 00:07:16,435
[ servals grunting ]
192
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,771
Steve's a goner
because of you two!
193
00:07:18,773 --> 00:07:20,905
You deserve to be
the stupid...
194
00:07:20,907 --> 00:07:23,375
Buttlers!
[ both gasp ]
195
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:25,243
I'mma drop you
like a bad hobbit!
196
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,578
Come on!
[ knock on door ]
197
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,181
You said you could do this --
for me --
198
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:30,582
And I believe in you!
199
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,851
Let's be there
for each other, smiths!
200
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,653
I'll hide the swords!
I'll hide the servals!
201
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,388
I got the sex drugs!
202
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:37,856
[ frantic music plays ]
203
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:43,395
♪♪
204
00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,197
[ knock on door ]
stan: Butler hayley,
get the door!
205
00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:48,467
Francine: A final touch
of class -- the roomba!
206
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,136
Remember, steve,
just keep smiling.
207
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:54,406
[deep voice]
you rang?
208
00:07:54,408 --> 00:07:56,140
I knocked.
209
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,810
For 10 minutes.
210
00:07:57,812 --> 00:07:59,144
Sorry.
I couldn't find my pants.
211
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,745
But you probably
didn't even notice.
212
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:03,882
I noticed.
And made a note.
213
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,818
Um, let's meet
the family.
214
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,886
My beautiful wife,
francine.
215
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,888
My burp-free daughter,
hayley.
216
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,024
Her husband, jeff,
who is very stupid.
217
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,559
These are our butlers,
who should go serve
218
00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:17,295
The practice
wellingtons.
219
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,763
Dinner is almost ready.
220
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,833
We're having beef wellington,
as usual.
221
00:08:20,835 --> 00:08:23,568
Why a "practice"
wellington?
222
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:27,706
Because practice wellington
makes perfect wellington!
223
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,574
This is
the famous steve.
224
00:08:29,576 --> 00:08:32,444
May I take your coat,
mr. Hardass?
225
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:36,048
Roger: Go, go, "encanto"
magic coat hook!
226
00:08:36,050 --> 00:08:37,716
Shh!
227
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,584
[ clattering ]
[ servals snarling ]
228
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:40,919
So we're not bothered
229
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,587
By the hustle and bustle
in the kitchen.
230
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,588
Care for a drink?
231
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:45,524
Iced tea, please.
232
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,860
A wonnnnderful choice,
mr. Hardass!
233
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,796
They ate the practice
wellingtons!
234
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:53,265
Make new ones!
235
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,268
[softly] get the servals
out of there now.
236
00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:58,070
[normal voice]
you, go help with dinner.
237
00:08:58,072 --> 00:09:00,138
Please, mr. Hardass,
take a seat.
238
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:01,606
Dinner won't be
for a while.
239
00:09:01,608 --> 00:09:04,676
You said it was
"almost ready."
240
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,746
H-he said it was
all moist and ruddy,
241
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,814
Which is how he refers
to raw meat.
242
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,617
[ doorbell rings ]
243
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:13,818
[ stan gasps ]
244
00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,020
Just some
roaming degenerates.
245
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,956
Not around
my precious boy!
246
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,225
Now, excuse me. I'm gonna
get some fresh air.
247
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,426
And my iced tea?
248
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,362
Did I say "fresh air"?
I meant "fresh mint."
249
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,497
For your iced tea!
250
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,433
We're here for
hayley smith's casting call
251
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,635
For big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots.
252
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,437
What?!
Well, you have to leave!
253
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,906
Not until we get
an audition!
254
00:09:33,908 --> 00:09:36,040
We're desperate
local actors!
255
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:37,041
[ gulp! ]
256
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:40,279
Steve, do you ever
feel...Unsafe?
257
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,847
Klaus:
Schwing! Oh!
258
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,450
Did your fish
just say "schwing"?
259
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,985
Mnh.
[ servals growling ]
260
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:47,986
Aah!
261
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,455
Let's watch
some educational tv!
262
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,258
Man: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
Woman: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
263
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:57,596
I can hear something,
but I'm not seeing the picture.
264
00:09:57,598 --> 00:09:59,398
Woman: Oh, yeah!
265
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:02,601
I'll check
on that iced tea!
266
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,868
[ funk music playing ]
267
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,537
It won't turn off!
268
00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,205
This'll muffle it.
269
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,407
We made new wellingtons
270
00:10:08,409 --> 00:10:11,276
With graham crackers,
flour, and hamburger meat.
271
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,677
Iced tea's ready!
272
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:14,613
You almost screwed us
hiring those actors, hayley!
273
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,815
Luckily, I thought of
hiding them in the basement.
274
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,817
I hid the servals
in the basement!
275
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,753
[ servals growling ]
[ man screams ]
276
00:10:20,755 --> 00:10:22,554
They're only local actors.
277
00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,356
If we're all in here...
278
00:10:24,358 --> 00:10:26,091
Then who's with hardass?
279
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,361
♪ on the good ship rogupop ♪
280
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:30,629
♪ it's a sweet... ♪
281
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,964
Rogu, shoo!
282
00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:34,366
I'm afraid I have
no explanation for that.
283
00:10:34,368 --> 00:10:35,567
But I do have your tea.
284
00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:37,636
I'm not seeing
the fresh mint.
285
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:40,172
Aah! Mint!
The man wants mint!
286
00:10:40,174 --> 00:10:41,239
Francine: On it!
287
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,709
Oh, god! Hardass
is gonna take me away!
288
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,911
The only thing hardass
is taking away
289
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,914
Is the takeaway that
we make great wellington!
290
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,850
Mmm!
Now bring it upstairs
291
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:54,386
So it can come down
the dumbwaiter.
292
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:57,122
Nice save.
Where'd you get the mint?
293
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:59,524
[breathlessly] from
the edge of the woods.
294
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:00,592
Edge of the woods?
295
00:11:00,594 --> 00:11:02,728
That's not mint!
It's poison ivy!
296
00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:04,929
Dinner's ready!
297
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:07,866
Some water for you,
mr. Ass.
298
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,335
Good news --
the servals are upstairs.
299
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,405
Bad news -- the actors in the
basement are begging for food.
300
00:11:13,407 --> 00:11:15,073
I've heard you have
301
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,942
"lord of the rings" weapons
in the house?
302
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:20,545
Hmm.
Doesn't ring a bell.
303
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,414
Sounds like a good
investment, though.
304
00:11:22,416 --> 00:11:23,748
I'm sorry.
305
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,617
Weapons from
"lord of the rings"
306
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:28,220
Are...A good investment?
307
00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,823
Yeah, people will pay
a fortune for movie props.
308
00:11:30,825 --> 00:11:31,956
I know I did -- would.
309
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:33,758
What stans means is...
310
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,428
"lord of the rings" talk
is forbidden here.
311
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,898
Or as the great forest elves
of mirkwood say...
312
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,034
"avanwa..."
unh! Mnh!
313
00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:44,169
Mr. Smith,
are you crying?
314
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,971
I just love my boy
so much.
315
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:48,240
[ doorbell rings ]
316
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,976
I'm here
to buy the ring!
317
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,778
"lord of the rings"
is forbidden! Go away!
318
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:56,048
I'm back
as if nothing happened.
319
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:58,983
Stan,
I was just insisting
320
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:02,187
We show mr. Hardass
steve's college fund.
321
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:06,658
It's so full, the boys at schwab
say it's a modern marvel.
322
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,860
Gah!
323
00:12:07,862 --> 00:12:10,529
Oh, no!
The roomba's stuck!
324
00:12:10,531 --> 00:12:13,598
He can't see the college fund.
I used it to buy the one ring.
325
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,267
Hardass: Is everything okay
down there?
326
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,135
Just sell the ring
to buckle
327
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:19,738
And get that money back in
the account so we can show him.
328
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:21,005
I sent buckle away!
329
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,274
Unsend him away!
330
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:26,679
Stupid thing got stuck
on a crumb. Heh.
331
00:12:26,681 --> 00:12:28,881
Gotta go call
the manufacturer.
332
00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:32,951
Can I ask you about
that small gray person?
333
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,954
I'm afraid I have
no explanation for that.
334
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,422
Sorry I yelled at you.
335
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,758
I got possessed by greed,
much like smeagol.
336
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,760
The ring
is that legit!
337
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:43,495
Send in the wellington!
338
00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:45,297
[ whirring ]
339
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,568
I need to see you
in the kitchen right now.
340
00:12:49,570 --> 00:12:51,035
Mrs. Smith, your glass.
341
00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:53,171
Oh!
What are you doing?!
342
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,640
Please excuse me.
I need to go, uh --
343
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:58,777
Let's see. Something normal.
Something normal.
344
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,512
Spank my lady butler!
345
00:13:00,514 --> 00:13:01,914
Klaus: Schwing!
346
00:13:01,916 --> 00:13:03,248
There it is again!
347
00:13:04,118 --> 00:13:06,851
We can't serve
the beef wellington!
Why not?
348
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:09,321
Jeff used this
instead of flour.
349
00:13:09,323 --> 00:13:11,790
It's chaos out there!
What is going on?!
350
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:15,193
The beef wellington is filled
with roger's sex drugs!
351
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,395
Oh, my god.
[ funk music playing ]
352
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,131
The roomba got stuck
under it!
353
00:13:19,133 --> 00:13:20,532
Where the hell is dad?!
354
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:24,402
[ gasps ] mr. S ate so much
sex wellington!
355
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,405
Since we both bank with schwab,
you can instantly transfer
356
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,207
The $25,000
to my account.
357
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,010
But first I need
to see the ring!
358
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,545
One sec.
Let me retrieve it.
359
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:35,748
[ zipper slides ]
francine: Stan!
360
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,884
All the beef wellington you ate
was dosed with viagra!
361
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:43,288
Not ideal, but we should be okay
as long as nothing arouses me.
362
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,491
Woman: Ohh!
All over my glasses!
363
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:50,763
Ohh...Ohh...Ohh.
Ohh-ohh.
364
00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:52,164
Ow! Ugh!
[ sobbing ]
365
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:53,766
Big bone. So what?
366
00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:55,900
During the engorgement,
the one ring
367
00:13:55,902 --> 00:13:58,570
Slid out of its pocket
and got stuck...
368
00:13:58,572 --> 00:14:00,105
On my eye of sauron!
369
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,575
So, uh, how long have you two
known each other?
370
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:04,777
We just met today.
371
00:14:04,779 --> 00:14:06,445
That's a fast marriage.
372
00:14:06,447 --> 00:14:09,714
Oh, my god. [ gasps ]
this wellington is orgasmic!
373
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,850
Mmm! Mmm!
374
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,485
[ actor hayley giggles ]
375
00:14:16,457 --> 00:14:17,923
All: Food!
376
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:26,331
Bad butler! We'll clean you up
in the bathroom.
377
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:30,202
Roger: A little "encanto"
will save the day.
378
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,871
Go, go,
"encanto" magic toilet!
379
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:35,540
[ grunting ]
380
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,408
Oh, god! Oh, god!
381
00:14:36,410 --> 00:14:39,478
Mrs. S, the actors
in the basement
382
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,213
Are horny
from the wellington
383
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,615
And they're climbing up
the dumbwaiter to your bedroom!
384
00:14:43,617 --> 00:14:44,616
I'm busy!
385
00:14:45,419 --> 00:14:47,820
The bathroom
is just in here.
386
00:14:47,822 --> 00:14:49,754
[ roger screaming ]
387
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:52,624
I can show you the ring,
but it has to be in private.
388
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:54,292
[ servals growl ]
389
00:14:54,294 --> 00:14:56,961
Not in there. In here.
[ servals snarl ]
390
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,763
[ both moaning ]
391
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:01,000
My daughter's
having sex in there.
392
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,037
I'm having sex
in there!
393
00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:07,105
Screw this!
I'm leaving!
394
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,907
Wait!
I can show you in here!
395
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,975
Don't worry
about the bathroom.
396
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:13,178
Because I've seen enough.
397
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,247
Please don't
take steve away!
398
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:16,781
[ woman moaning ]
399
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,383
[ laughs ]
take steve?
400
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:21,920
It's not against the law
to have a dinner go badly.
401
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:24,122
What I really care about
is the boy.
402
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,725
And he was smiling
all night.
403
00:15:27,862 --> 00:15:31,730
What's healthier than smiling
all the time no matter what?
404
00:15:31,732 --> 00:15:33,465
Now I must be going.
405
00:15:33,467 --> 00:15:35,400
It's elven tradition
to view the ring
406
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,369
Only through
this hole I made.
407
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,339
I believe I see
408
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:44,809
One of peter jackson's
curly beard hairs!
409
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,278
Not included.
[ ding! ]
410
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,180
Hardass:
Good night, mr. Smith.
411
00:15:51,552 --> 00:15:53,685
We did it, everybody!
412
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,820
[ family cheering ]
413
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,089
Sorry.
Forgot my...
414
00:15:57,091 --> 00:15:59,157
[ servals snarl ]
...Coat.
415
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,426
Roger: Something's wrong
with your toilet!
416
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:06,164
Man: Ooh, yeah!
Ooh, yeah! Ohh!
417
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,433
Wild cats.
418
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:11,570
Pornos. Toilet man.
419
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,241
A high-end...
Penis dealer?
420
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,910
It's not what
it looks like!
421
00:16:17,912 --> 00:16:21,045
And a talking fish.
422
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,981
I've changed
my assessment.
423
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:25,117
I'm taking the boy.
424
00:16:25,119 --> 00:16:26,585
-No!
-Please!
425
00:16:26,587 --> 00:16:27,920
-We can do better!
-We'll get rid of the fish!
426
00:16:27,922 --> 00:16:29,588
You know what?
I'm ready to go.
427
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,925
All we had to do was get
our act together for one night.
428
00:16:32,927 --> 00:16:34,993
You know who does have
their act together?
429
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,729
The foster-care system!
430
00:16:36,731 --> 00:16:38,430
Let's go, hardass.
431
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:45,204
Great.
Now I've lost two things.
432
00:16:47,875 --> 00:16:49,307
♪♪
433
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,043
[ stan and francine sobbing ]
434
00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:53,912
I can't believe
steve is gone!
435
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,214
[ knock on door ]
436
00:16:56,984 --> 00:16:58,984
Hi.
I'm jack hardass.
437
00:16:58,986 --> 00:17:00,986
[ servals yowl ]
all: Jack hardass?!
438
00:17:00,988 --> 00:17:03,521
This guy had
an official lanyard.
439
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,257
He's the real hardass.
440
00:17:05,259 --> 00:17:07,325
Then who's that guy
who took steve?!
441
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:10,462
A kidnapper! And a financially
savvy one at that.
442
00:17:10,464 --> 00:17:12,798
He wants to exchange the boy
for this.
443
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,067
We have to go save him!
But we can't let
real hardass know
444
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,203
We gave our son
to a kidnapper!
445
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,838
I have an idea.
446
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,541
Hello!
I'm stan -- line?
447
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:24,943
Francine: Smith!
Smith!
448
00:17:24,945 --> 00:17:26,544
Come in!
449
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,214
[ tires squeal ]
450
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,816
Did someone
just steal your car?
451
00:17:30,818 --> 00:17:34,086
As long as they don't steal
my precious boy!
452
00:17:34,088 --> 00:17:36,822
I like your attitude,
mr. Smith.
453
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,091
Where are we doing
the exchange?
We're not.
454
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:42,961
Steve would never want us
to sacrifice the one ring.
455
00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:45,497
So I traced the texts
to the kidnapper's hideout.
456
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,432
We'll steal steve back.
457
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,234
I just don't get
who would do this.
458
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,037
Who would want that ring
this badly?
459
00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:54,039
[ ominous music plays ]
460
00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:59,777
♪♪
461
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,047
Stan: Dear god!
It's elijah wood!
462
00:18:02,049 --> 00:18:03,715
Francine:
There's sean astin!
463
00:18:03,717 --> 00:18:05,484
Hayley:
Dominic monaghan!
464
00:18:06,454 --> 00:18:09,655
Jeff: Jack hardass
is billy boyd!
465
00:18:09,657 --> 00:18:11,790
The hobbits from
"lord of the rings"
466
00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:13,125
Kidnapped steve?!
467
00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:15,461
Pernicious boyd
has my precious boy,
468
00:18:15,463 --> 00:18:17,595
And he wants my precious!
Oy!
469
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,264
Here's the plan.
I sneak in --
470
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,066
Can't I sneak in
this time?
471
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,068
You made hayley and I
be the butlers.
472
00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:24,736
We should sneak in.
473
00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:26,004
I sneak in.
474
00:18:26,006 --> 00:18:27,072
I sneak in.
We sneak in.
475
00:18:27,074 --> 00:18:30,876
[ all grunting ]
476
00:18:30,878 --> 00:18:32,144
Aah!
477
00:18:32,146 --> 00:18:34,880
Oh, no!
Steve was right.
478
00:18:34,882 --> 00:18:39,017
Even when we try to come
together, it's utter chaos!
479
00:18:39,019 --> 00:18:40,352
But maybe we could...
480
00:18:40,354 --> 00:18:43,088
Use that chaos
to our advantage?
481
00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,822
[ classical music playing ]
482
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,958
Why didn't you
just steal the ring?
483
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,294
Billy boyd: I was so shocked
it was on his penis,
484
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,296
I panicked
and stole his kid!
485
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:53,298
This is a bad idea.
486
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,632
You know the rules!
487
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,836
On the set of "fellowship,"
we swore an oath.
488
00:18:58,706 --> 00:19:02,240
All: To always support
each other's passion projects
489
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,709
No matter what.
490
00:19:03,711 --> 00:19:07,045
And I need this ring so I can
sell it and use the profits
491
00:19:07,047 --> 00:19:11,049
To fund my new tequila brand --
casa smeagol's.
492
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:11,983
[ knock on door ]
493
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:16,388
♪♪
494
00:19:16,390 --> 00:19:19,925
Hey! Ol' petey sent us
beef wellingtons!
495
00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:21,059
I'm starved!
496
00:19:21,061 --> 00:19:24,129
That family kept slapping food
out of my hands.
497
00:19:24,131 --> 00:19:27,866
Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm! [ giggles ]
498
00:19:29,737 --> 00:19:33,739
Man:
Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
499
00:19:33,741 --> 00:19:35,407
Ohh! Ohh!
500
00:19:35,409 --> 00:19:37,809
[ all groaning ]
501
00:19:37,811 --> 00:19:39,144
Oh, yeah!
502
00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:41,279
We're all
getting erections!
503
00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:44,950
Who knew when I got
these for stargazing
504
00:19:44,952 --> 00:19:49,020
I'd be gazing at star
billy boyd's boner?!
505
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,956
[ all groaning ]
506
00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:54,226
Roger: I'm done joking. Someone
help me out of this thing!
507
00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,561
[ servals snarling ]
508
00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:58,296
[ hobbits screaming ]
509
00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,631
[ gasps ]
510
00:20:01,369 --> 00:20:03,301
Steve, you were right.
511
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,837
We're so sorry
about how we acted.
512
00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:07,373
Steve: [muffled]
that's okay, guys!
513
00:20:07,375 --> 00:20:09,307
And I'm sorry I emptied
your college fund
514
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,708
To buy the one ring.
515
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,178
You did what?!
[ video call ringing ]
516
00:20:13,180 --> 00:20:14,646
He's demanding
to see steve.
517
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:15,847
He's heading up
to his bedroom.
518
00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:18,250
Stall him.
Just say something stupid --
519
00:20:18,252 --> 00:20:19,985
Like you've realized
family's everything.
520
00:20:19,987 --> 00:20:22,854
I learned to appreciate
my family!
521
00:20:22,856 --> 00:20:25,591
Oh, mr. Smith,
that's wonderful.
522
00:20:27,461 --> 00:20:29,060
[ tires screech ]
523
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:33,232
♪♪
524
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,334
Steve: Just finishing up
my homework
525
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,805
On the history
of burlap sacks.
526
00:20:39,807 --> 00:20:43,676
From fish to sticks,
they truly held it all.
527
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,812
Precious as advertised.
528
00:20:48,482 --> 00:20:51,216
What a perfect family!
Good night!
529
00:20:51,218 --> 00:20:54,420
♪♪
530
00:20:54,422 --> 00:20:58,156
My precious family.
531
00:20:58,158 --> 00:20:59,792
Bye! Have a great time!