1
00:00:05,483 --> 00:00:07,094
Before we begin
our Christmas shopping,
2
00:00:07,094 --> 00:00:10,271
I thought I might reflect on
the importance of gift-giving.
3
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:11,663
[ All groaning ]
4
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:14,362
Put simply, gift-giving
is the only way
5
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:16,712
for someone to know
how much you love them.
6
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:19,019
Growing up, my father
didn't love me.
7
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,456
Thus, he only ever
gave me one gift...
8
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:24,154
Together:
A VHS copy of "Death Wish 3"
9
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:29,029
only sold at Exxon stations
for one week in 1985.
10
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,596
Good to see
I'm finally getting through
to you knuckleheads.
11
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:33,816
Knuckle deep, Dad.
Can we go now?
12
00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:36,645
Nope. They only sold one copy,
and the rest they used
13
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:38,516
as security tapes
until they wore out,
14
00:00:38,516 --> 00:00:41,650
meaning it's likely
the only copy in circulation.
15
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:44,609
The day my dad traded it
for our first VCR
16
00:00:44,609 --> 00:00:46,437
was the saddest day
of my life.
17
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:50,180
Together:
But there was one positive
to your childhood trauma.
18
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:53,053
And that was that
it caused me to overcorrect
19
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,707
and become the world's
best gift-giver,
20
00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:57,927
- the King of Presents.
- All hail the king!
21
00:00:57,927 --> 00:01:01,887
Now, since I'm
King of Presents,
I only need one hour to shop.
22
00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:03,802
But as my first gift
of the season,
23
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,804
I'm giving
all of you two.
24
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,806
Well, I already knocked out
my shopping.
25
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:09,808
I'm gonna go see if
the single-occupant restroom
26
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,375
at Banana Republic's
available.
27
00:01:11,375 --> 00:01:12,811
Klaus is definitely lying
28
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:14,465
and not buying us gifts
this year, right?
29
00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:17,642
We'll just have to see
when we open presents
Christmas Eve.
30
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:18,991
All right,
enough chit-chat.
31
00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:20,950
Break!
32
00:01:20,950 --> 00:01:24,040
Well, since I bought
all my gifts months ago,
33
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,389
I guess we can go home.
34
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,478
But I can't remember
where I parked.
35
00:01:27,478 --> 00:01:29,393
Was it P-1 or...
36
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:30,786
Oh, no,
it was right there.
37
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:32,788
[ Alarm blaring,
horn honking ]
38
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:37,749
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
39
00:01:37,749 --> 00:01:39,838
[ Holiday music plays ]
40
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,885
Can I tag along
and watch the king?
41
00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:45,975
I'm not buying any presents
because I'm Wiccan this year.
42
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:47,890
Always got time
for my subjects.
43
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,544
I'll show you
my King of Presents
44
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:52,460
Two-Pronged
Present-Buying System.
45
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,984
Prong one--
Use the employees.
46
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,464
Just give them
a brief description
47
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:57,987
of who
you're buying for...
48
00:01:57,987 --> 00:02:01,295
Hey, my daughter's 19
and a girl!
49
00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:04,124
Prong two--
Spring for something nicer.
50
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,299
Your family deserves it.
51
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:08,867
Come on, something
nicer than that!
52
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,305
And that's how
it's done.
53
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,176
My son is 14
and a boy!
54
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:15,265
My wife is 39
and a woman!
55
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,615
My fish is 58
and a German man!
56
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:20,314
My uncle-in-the-attic is
1,600-years old
57
00:02:20,314 --> 00:02:22,577
and non-gendered!
58
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:23,621
An air fryer?!
59
00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:26,798
Come on, something
nicer than that!
60
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,583
Follow me.
61
00:02:30,324 --> 00:02:31,629
Roger: 2-Pack?
62
00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,936
And that's why
you're the king.
63
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,244
[ Angelic music plays ]
64
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,854
Steve:
The Opulus--
65
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,422
the gateway to the Metaverse.
66
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:45,426
Unlike in real life,
67
00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:48,429
in the Metaverse
the possibilities are endless.
68
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:50,518
Just put on the Opulus,
and in seconds
69
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:52,694
you can be riding a Jet Ski,
70
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:53,999
feeding an ostrich,
71
00:02:53,999 --> 00:02:57,351
or riding an ostrich
like a Jet Ski!
72
00:02:57,351 --> 00:03:01,050
Ohh. I'd die to ride
an ostrich like a Jet Ski.
73
00:03:01,050 --> 00:03:04,271
But I don't even have
enough money to buy
my family presents,
74
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,360
let alone an Opulus
for myself.
75
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,188
Ah!
Dad's buying me one?!
76
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,364
You're lucky you came in
when you did.
77
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:13,715
This is our last Opulus.
78
00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:16,805
That was weird.
79
00:03:20,765 --> 00:03:23,594
And now my gift
to you all--
80
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:26,162
Klaus's famous egg nog!
81
00:03:26,162 --> 00:03:28,033
This one's booze,
this one's weed,
82
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,471
and this one's
5-Hour Energy.
83
00:03:30,471 --> 00:03:32,168
None for you, Stan.
84
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:34,953
Egg nog gives you
that nasty-ass gas.
85
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:38,130
Your body is a fart machine
that runs on egg nog.
86
00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:39,610
You're Fart Simpson.
87
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:42,134
Don't have a cow.
Don't have any dairy!
88
00:03:42,134 --> 00:03:44,136
Can we focus on
the main event here?
89
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,573
To Hayles-Bells,
90
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:48,532
love, The King of Presents.
91
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,142
Dad, I love it!
92
00:03:50,142 --> 00:03:52,362
I've been wanting to get back
into clubbing!
93
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:55,017
Oh, this'll go great
with my Ziploc bag of molly.
94
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:59,891
This one's
from Stan, too.
95
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,850
Oh, it's beautiful, Stan.
96
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:03,895
It's a Pandora bracelet.
97
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,419
You fill them
with charms.
98
00:04:05,419 --> 00:04:06,855
There's a bear charm
on there
99
00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,770
because we went to the zoo
once, I think.
100
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,903
I think we did, too, Stan.
101
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,035
Mwah!
102
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,645
I just want to
remind everyone
103
00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:16,560
I was a little light
on money this year,
104
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,301
so I had to get creative.
105
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:21,565
Mom and Hayley, your gifts
are actually virtual,
106
00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:24,351
so check your inboxes.
107
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,744
Wait, is this
a Cameo from...
108
00:04:26,744 --> 00:04:28,050
Deandre Ayton?!
109
00:04:28,050 --> 00:04:29,834
My favorite
basketball player?!
110
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:33,098
Hey, Hayley, it's me,
Deandre Ayton.
111
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,970
I heard you're quite the hooper.
112
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,363
Hope you have
a great Christmas,
113
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,755
dominate the paint,
114
00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:39,540
and protect the rim
at all costs.
115
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:42,586
Oh, my God, Steve!
116
00:04:42,586 --> 00:04:46,634
Mom, your gift
is a music video
of a song I wrote for you.
117
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,810
[ Christmas music plays ]
118
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,422
♪ This Christmas ♪
119
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,163
♪ I give you my heart ♪
120
00:04:54,163 --> 00:04:59,560
♪ Which is where it'll stay
till you pass away ♪
121
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:02,476
Aw!
122
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:06,175
Stan, can I talk
to you upstairs?
123
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:07,481
Just as I thought.
124
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:09,526
Steve is demolishing you
at gift-giving!
125
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,528
He's gonna take the title
of King of Presents!
126
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,965
That's impossible.
All he's given are videos.
127
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:16,577
Those aren't gifts.
At best, they're gifs.
128
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:18,274
That's what's hot
right now.
129
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:21,016
They're called experiences,
and the family's loving them.
130
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:22,539
Don't believe me?
131
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:24,846
I had a thermal reader
installed in the living room
132
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,848
to measure
each person's reaction.
133
00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:29,416
Well, I-I installed it
for a sex group I'm in,
134
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:30,634
but the same principles
135
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,201
of giving and receiving
are at play.
136
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:33,594
Steve's in first,
137
00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:36,336
and you each only have
one present left.
138
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,815
What do you think?
139
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:39,426
Torch the house, burn it down,
none of this counts?
140
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,515
I'm the King of Presents
for a reason.
141
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,821
Watch and learn.
142
00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:44,953
It's a...
143
00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:46,650
chef's jersey!
144
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:47,695
Chiefs jersey.
145
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:49,000
Patrick Mahomes--
146
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,002
the jersey
all the kids want this year.
147
00:05:51,002 --> 00:05:53,396
It'll help you fit in
and not get beat up.
148
00:05:53,396 --> 00:05:55,355
Aw, thanks, Dad.
149
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,313
Here's mine for you.
150
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,010
Feels a little light.
151
00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:00,360
[ Dramatic music plays ]
152
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,884
Oh, my God!
153
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,713
"Exxon Presents:
Death Wish 3."
154
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:07,367
How did you find this?
155
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,020
Took me months.
156
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:11,414
Had to get pretty deep into
the world of VHS collectors,
157
00:06:11,414 --> 00:06:15,549
which, as it happens,
is not a scene for children.
158
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,900
It's the greatest gift
I've ever received,
159
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,381
even better than
the last time I got it.
160
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,252
Wait.
161
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,515
It's over.
He got you.
162
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,734
The king is dead.
163
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,039
No, no, no, no!
164
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:29,127
You son of a bitch!
165
00:06:29,127 --> 00:06:30,781
You knew exactly
what you were doing!
166
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,696
Oh, this is so good.
167
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,655
This is... not over!
168
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,830
This is not over!
169
00:06:35,830 --> 00:06:37,484
My God,
this is beautiful.
170
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,486
I can't believe
I'm touching it again.
171
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,270
You monster!
I will destroy you.
172
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,532
I don't love you.
173
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:45,056
Even though
you gave me this.
174
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:51,106
Every dad dreads the day
his son overtakes him.
175
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,542
If I'm not
the King of Presents,
176
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,935
what's even the point
of Christmas?
177
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,067
You can still fix this, Stan.
178
00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:58,113
You just have to get Steve
an even better gift
179
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,681
than he got you by the end
of Christmas tomorrow.
180
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:02,160
Well, how are we
gonna do that?
181
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,859
It's gonna be tough.
His gift did make you cry.
182
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:07,122
Oh, wait, I know.
Opulus goggles!
183
00:07:07,122 --> 00:07:09,167
What the hell
is an Opulus goggles?
184
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,517
You wear 'em.
185
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,432
They're the gateway
to the Metaverse, duh!
186
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,085
And exactly
what Steve wants.
187
00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:15,696
Anyway, they're sold out everywhere,
188
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:17,262
but you might have
a chance online.
189
00:07:17,262 --> 00:07:20,135
You're in luck. There's
one pair left on Amazon,
190
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:21,658
and it can get here
by the morning.
191
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:23,007
Yes, yes, yes!
192
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,966
Let me just
clear out my cart.
193
00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,664
What's this huge jug
of soy sauce doing in here?
194
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:29,013
Didn't I already buy that?
195
00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:30,972
'Cause if I didn't,
I definitely want to,
196
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:33,844
but I don't want to end up
with two huge jugs
of soy sauce.
197
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,803
- Buy the goggles!
- Buy!
198
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,805
Oh, no!
It just sold out!
199
00:07:37,805 --> 00:07:40,677
And I bought two more
jugs of soy sauce?
200
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:43,288
Dammit, Roger!
Now what am I gonna do?
201
00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:45,639
Um, there is one guy
I know
202
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:47,641
that would definitely
have it right now.
203
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:48,990
Only problem is
204
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,122
he's pretty much
our biggest enemy.
205
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,950
I'm talking about...
206
00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,038
Santa.
207
00:07:54,038 --> 00:07:56,214
Oh, yeah, he is
our biggest enemy.
208
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:58,173
For a second I thought
you were talking about the guy
209
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,697
that made up that song
about me on the shuttle
to the airport
210
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:01,959
and got everyone
to join in.
211
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,222
What?
No, that guy was hilarious.
212
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:06,224
♪ Big chin guy
dropped his bag ♪
213
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:08,313
♪ Got real mad
in a fight with his wife ♪
214
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,445
♪ Gonna miss his flight! ♪
215
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,751
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
216
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:15,364
You know how you two
are always begging
217
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,061
for a bigger role
in the family?
218
00:08:17,061 --> 00:08:18,280
No.
Yes.
219
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,673
Well, now's your chance.
220
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:22,458
I'm gonna super-speed Stan
up to the North Pole
221
00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:24,939
to get a present, and we need
you two to cover for us.
222
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:27,637
You want Rogu and me
to pretend
to be the two of you?
223
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:30,031
Yeah, Rogu will be me,
and you'll be Stan.
224
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,598
Why do I
have to be Stan?
225
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:34,035
I'm more like Roger.
I'm wild.
226
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:36,037
Wait, you would rather be
Roger than me?
227
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:39,475
"I'm Daddy.
I like wine."
228
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:42,391
Please tell me that's not
your impression of me, Rogu.
229
00:08:42,391 --> 00:08:44,393
Wine's not even a big part
of who I am.
230
00:08:44,393 --> 00:08:46,177
Well, you do drink
a lot of wine, Roger.
231
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:47,701
I do a lot of
a lot of things!
232
00:08:47,701 --> 00:08:49,703
All right, stop.
Time is of the essence.
233
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,052
Rogu will play me,
234
00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:53,184
and Klaus the Traitor
will play Roger.
235
00:08:53,184 --> 00:08:54,751
We're depending
on you two.
236
00:08:54,751 --> 00:08:56,623
The fate of Christmas
as we know it
237
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,407
is in the balance.
238
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,846
Okay,
maybe you shoulda...
239
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,719
climbed in after--
Yeah. No, I got it.
240
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,416
Man, we haven't even
left the house yet,
241
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,113
and my thighs
are burning.
242
00:09:09,113 --> 00:09:11,376
[ Holiday music plays ]
243
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:24,607
♪
244
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:27,741
Hey! That's the elf
that choked me out last time.
245
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,394
I'm gonna go say hi.
246
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:31,222
Roger, no!
247
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:35,096
Hey, remember me
from a few years ago?
248
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:36,619
[ Hoarsely ]
He remembers...
249
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,969
how I like it.
250
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:43,757
Now I've got to
convince Santa
251
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,323
to give me
this year's hottest gift.
252
00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:47,499
After I convince him
not to kill me, of course.
253
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:51,068
This is gonna take all my
C.I.A. negotiation training.
254
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,375
Please, please, please
don't kill me!
255
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,159
I need an Opulus.
I'll do anything.
256
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,421
I'll eat gross stuff.
257
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:57,945
I'll put firecrackers
in my butt.
258
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,642
I'll tell the guys at work
how I manscape
259
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:01,949
using a pair of plastic
kindergarten scissors.
260
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,124
I'll do anything!
261
00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,995
Jesus, man, get up.
262
00:10:04,995 --> 00:10:08,129
The neighbors
record everything.
263
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:10,305
You're lucky you caught me
when you did.
264
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:13,090
Christmas Eve right before
I deliver presents
265
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:14,483
is when I'm nicest.
266
00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:17,094
Good, because my son's
gunning for me.
267
00:10:17,094 --> 00:10:18,530
And if I don't get him
an Opulus,
268
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:21,446
I lose my crown as my family's
King of Presents.
269
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:22,839
There you are!
270
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:24,145
Why aren't you
answering your texts?
271
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,364
I think I left my cellphone somewhere.
272
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:28,628
You are killing me
right now.
273
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,107
We have to stay
on schedule.
274
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:31,935
I'm coming, Guffrie!
275
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:34,111
I have a guest right now!
276
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,809
Those are
contradictory sentences.
277
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,637
I'm coming!
278
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,988
Nog?
Oh, I shouldn't.
279
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,467
Oh, actually,
what the hell?
280
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:45,427
How often you get the chance
to drink Santa's nog, right?
281
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:48,343
You might be able to hold
off your son this year, Stan,
282
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,301
but he's going
to keep coming for you.
283
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:53,130
I've been in the presents game
a long time,
284
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:57,004
and I've never seen anything
like what's happening now.
285
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,266
The Internet?
286
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,007
Amazon?
287
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,965
And you know
who I blame?
288
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,358
The millennials.
289
00:11:03,358 --> 00:11:05,055
Don't even get me
started on them.
290
00:11:05,055 --> 00:11:09,190
Never seen anything like them
in my 2,000 years,
291
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:13,194
with their cool haircuts
and their skinny jeans.
292
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:14,978
I don't understand
the skinny jeans.
293
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,197
What if you want
to sit down?
294
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:17,459
That can't be comfortable.
295
00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:21,028
And when you do,
where does the penis go?
296
00:11:21,028 --> 00:11:22,464
Where does the penis go?
297
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,206
That's why I like
a baggier crotch in my pants.
298
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,730
I love it.
I love a baggy crotch.
299
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:30,254
I'd like to wear those
baggy pants that men wore
300
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:32,561
in Middle-Eastern bazaars,
like in "Aladdin."
301
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:35,216
Oh, I have a pair,
and I love them.
302
00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:36,783
They're called
harem pants.
303
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:40,743
And by the way, they're back
in a big way right now, Stan.
304
00:11:40,743 --> 00:11:45,008
I gotta say, I'm surprised
we're getting along so well.
305
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,140
Me, too.
306
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,750
It's too bad
we're enemies,
307
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:51,362
'cause you really got
your head screwed on straight.
308
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:54,235
Can I show you something
I've been working on?
309
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:56,846
Of course.
You can show me anything.
310
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:59,066
[ Applause on television ]
311
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:03,331
Shouldn't we be spending
Christmas Eve together?
312
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:06,508
Just let your Dad spin out
upstairs with Roger.
313
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:09,424
The Enrique Iglesias
holiday special is on,
314
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:13,994
and he really revs my vagina,
if you know what I mean.
315
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:15,256
It's...
316
00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:16,953
You're being very clear.
317
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,999
Klaus:
Oh, hi, Stan, it's me, Roger.
318
00:12:18,999 --> 00:12:20,261
What are you doing?
319
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,567
Rogu:
Taking shower.
320
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,179
I'm loud man.
321
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,746
There.
Stop worrying.
322
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,269
Your dad's
taking a shower.
323
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,966
Why's he using
our shower?
324
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:32,839
Rogu:
Loud man like variety.
325
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,754
There.
You satisfied?
326
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,756
Loud man like variety.
327
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,671
[ Jingle plays ]
328
00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:43,588
Now that we've stolen
the technology
from the Opulus,
329
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:46,287
I'm making my own version.
330
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,811
I call them JollyGoggles.
331
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:52,510
And they'll take you anywhere
in the Jingleverse--
332
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,861
my version
of the Metaverse.
333
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,166
Sick names.
334
00:12:56,166 --> 00:13:00,170
In the Jingleverse,
you can go anywhere--
335
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,737
the Alps...
336
00:13:01,737 --> 00:13:03,391
the Caribbean...
337
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,654
space!
338
00:13:05,654 --> 00:13:09,484
And it's so real, people
will never take them off.
339
00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:11,834
They'll spend all their time
in there,
340
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:14,794
even exchanging
virtual presents
341
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,926
in the Jingleverse
on Christmas.
342
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:21,496
And with the computer
set up to give out
any gift imaginable,
343
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:25,500
I'll never have to make
another toy in my life.
344
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,110
Nice.
345
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:29,939
Hey, you don't think
I could get
a pair of JollyGoggles
346
00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:31,245
for Steve, do you?
347
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,551
Unfortunately, we're
a little late to market
348
00:13:33,551 --> 00:13:36,598
because we haven't had
any human beta-testers.
349
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:40,820
Just elves, and all they want
is Christmas porn.
350
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,299
Dirty little buggers.
351
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,824
We do have the hard-wired
prototypes here.
352
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,173
Wait, Stan.
353
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,653
What if we put your family
in the Jingleverse
354
00:13:48,653 --> 00:13:49,829
without them knowing?
355
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,178
Why would we do that?
356
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:53,354
Because it's so real,
when they wake up,
357
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:55,486
they'd think
it's real life.
358
00:13:55,486 --> 00:14:00,622
And we could program it
so you're King of Presents forever.
359
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,015
Oh-kay!
360
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,233
So, how would we
do that?
361
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,669
When I'm delivering presents,
362
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,541
I'll just stop by
your house,
363
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,238
grab them,
and bring them here.
364
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:10,066
You'd really do that
for me?
365
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,676
Of course.
366
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:13,026
Thanks.
367
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,114
Here you are.
368
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,855
I'm coming!
369
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,334
If you don't leave
right now,
370
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:19,032
children in the first
time zone--
371
00:14:19,032 --> 00:14:22,035
I said I'm coming!
372
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:25,821
[ Screaming ]
373
00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:27,040
Why do we look
like this?
374
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,303
What are you-- Ah!
375
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,870
Mamma mia!
This isn't good.
376
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,958
[ Screams ]
377
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:33,873
Why am I numbers?
378
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,178
Why is babe numbers?!
379
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:37,006
I'm not good at numbers!
380
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:39,269
Okay, obviously
this isn't real life.
381
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,662
Only a fool
would think that.
382
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,316
This is the Jingleverse,
383
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:44,448
the Christmas version
of the Metaverse.
384
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,798
It's an experience
I got you.
385
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:50,367
The King of Presents,
baby!
386
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:53,109
I can't believe those elves
knocked-out and kidnapped
387
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,937
the whole family
except us.
388
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,983
We're main
family members.
389
00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:59,202
I'm loud man.
390
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,595
We gotta go
to the North Pole
391
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,640
and save and/or avenge
these [bleep]
392
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:03,859
Let's ride!
393
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:07,645
Try to have
a little fun.
394
00:15:07,645 --> 00:15:09,778
We can go anywhere
in the Jingleverse.
395
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:12,128
We can go to the Alps.
396
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,782
Oh, my God.
It's so cold.
397
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,654
Hayley: I can't believe
how real the cold feels.
398
00:15:16,654 --> 00:15:18,395
And what is that?
399
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:19,657
Run.
400
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,659
Ruuuun!
401
00:15:21,659 --> 00:15:23,096
[ All screaming ]
402
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:25,228
Stan, what the hell's
going on?
403
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:27,230
It's okay.
None of this is real.
404
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:30,233
We're wearing goggles
we can take off.
405
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,235
Ahh.
I can't get mine off.
406
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,367
I can't get mine off!
407
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:34,846
Santa!
Santa!
408
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:35,891
Santa?!
409
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:39,373
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
410
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:41,984
What the hell
is he doing here?
411
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,420
Oh, it's cool.
We're friends now.
412
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:45,074
Hey, man, I can't get
my goggles off.
413
00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:47,685
That's because they're fused
to your head,
414
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:50,688
just like they'll be fused
to every human's head
415
00:15:50,688 --> 00:15:52,081
next Christmas!
416
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,866
Wait, once you put on
the JollyGoggles,
417
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,042
they never come off?
418
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,695
Yeah, we think
it's a feature
419
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,307
that'll really help us
with user retention.
420
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,830
But this place sucks.
421
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:05,181
I've seen better coded
'90s GeoCities sites.
422
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:07,357
Hey! It's going to
get a lot better
423
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:11,187
now that I finally have
some human beta-testers.
424
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:12,406
You tricked me.
425
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,582
Hey,
you were so worried
426
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:17,150
about your dumb
King of Presents thing,
427
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:19,543
you would've agreed
to anything.
428
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:20,936
Wait, Stan.
429
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:24,374
You agreed to let Santa
put us in here?
430
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:27,073
The guy that left a diaper
full of shit
431
00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:29,249
under
our Christmas tree?
432
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,990
That was not me.
433
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,426
I shit coal.
434
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:33,775
I had to do something.
435
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:36,343
Steve was gonna steal
my King of Presents crown.
436
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:39,041
What? I just wanted to
give you a nice gift.
437
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,565
Just wanted to give me
a nice gift,
438
00:16:41,565 --> 00:16:42,958
just because.
439
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,655
Not just because.
440
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,223
Because you're always
there for us.
441
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,791
Shoot, you went all the way
to the North Pole
442
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,880
on Christmas Eve
just to get me a present.
443
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:55,057
Steve, do not use this
as a positive example.
444
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,842
That's why I wanted to get you
such a great present.
445
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,715
Because you're always
doing crazy stuff for us.
446
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:01,890
Thanks, Steve.
447
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:04,806
I'm sorry I got you
all stuck in here.
448
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:05,937
We should be at home.
449
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,200
Wait.
We're not at home?
450
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,245
No, we're at the mercy
of some...
451
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:11,465
Francine:
Millennial-looking Santa.
452
00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,728
Jeff: He looks like Macklemore.
453
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:16,470
More like if Santa
ate Macklemore.
454
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,298
[ Laughs ] Dammit.
Quit making me laugh.
455
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:20,952
[ Sniffs ]
Oh, my God!
456
00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,302
What is that smell?
457
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:25,609
Ugh! It smells like
Dad's egg-nog farts.
458
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,437
Santa offered.
What am I supposed to do,
459
00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:30,353
say no to Kris freakin'
Kringle's personal nog?
460
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:33,139
You talkin' about
Ho-Ho-Host Malone's
461
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:34,705
nog over here?
462
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:35,793
[ Laughter ]
463
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,012
Okay, you know what?
464
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,492
Screw you guys.
465
00:17:38,492 --> 00:17:40,972
To JingleJail Island!
466
00:17:40,972 --> 00:17:42,844
[ Ominous music plays ]
467
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,152
[ Screaming ]
468
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,502
Hayley: Oh, my God.
It's so cold again!
469
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:52,810
Yep, and you'll get to feel it
for the rest of your lives--
470
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:57,946
well, as long as I can
keep your bodies
alive in real life.
471
00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,817
[ Clanging ][ Gasps ]
472
00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:05,127
Steve, I drank that nog
in real life,
473
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,998
which means
I farted in real life.
474
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,174
Cool, Dad.
475
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:09,697
And we all smelt it
in real life.
476
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:12,961
Which means we're all
in the same room.
477
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,920
I'm going after Santa.
478
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:21,796
Ow!
Hey!
479
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:23,058
- Hello.
- Hoo-hoo!
480
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:26,540
Hey!
Someone touched me!
481
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:32,459
I gotta give you props on
getting us this SnoCat, Rogu.
482
00:18:32,459 --> 00:18:35,723
Whatever you told that guy
in the shed really worked.
483
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:40,119
Daddy teach me
power of persuasion.
484
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,082
That's you,
isn't it, Stan?
485
00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:48,388
Guffrie!
486
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:51,347
Release me
from the Jingleverse!
487
00:18:51,347 --> 00:18:53,784
Guffrie! Ugh!
488
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:54,742
What do we do?
489
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,483
Let's see
where this goes.
490
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,876
Stan, you've got
no way out.
491
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:00,139
I'll make you a deal.
492
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,751
Leave your family in here
and move in with me.
493
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:06,884
Kings of Presents-
slash-roommates.
494
00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,538
You know it'd be lit.
495
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:09,931
I don't wanna be
King of Presents
496
00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,889
if the presents
aren't for my family.
497
00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:13,717
Ugh! Ugh!
498
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,631
Oh!
499
00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:17,243
That was a big mistake Stan.
500
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:20,115
Where are you,
Guffrie?!
501
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:21,551
You're there,
aren't you, Guffrie?
502
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:22,900
Let my family out.
503
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,902
You can keep Santa
in here all year
504
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,339
and run things your way.
505
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,992
You know how much better
it would be.
506
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:30,343
Guffrie, if you are
seriously there
507
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:33,911
and listening to this,
I am going to shit myself.
508
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:35,652
And then you can free
all the elves
509
00:19:35,652 --> 00:19:37,524
he's locked up
in the Jingleverse.
510
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:38,873
That's gotta be
eating at you.
511
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,048
Oh, wow.
512
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,093
Always nice to have
the C.I.A. come by
513
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:45,532
and lecture me
on putting people in cages.
514
00:19:45,532 --> 00:19:47,447
[ Whirring ]
515
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,188
[ Googles beep ]
516
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,976
Oh, you dicks!
517
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,630
I'm gonna kill you, Smith!
518
00:19:56,630 --> 00:19:58,371
I know where you live!
519
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:02,070
I know where
everybody lives!
520
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,767
Let's go.
521
00:20:03,767 --> 00:20:08,642
♪
522
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,861
I'm the Santa now.
523
00:20:13,995 --> 00:20:16,127
Hey, you guys trying
to get out of here, too?
524
00:20:16,127 --> 00:20:17,607
I just had a three-way,
525
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,001
and we were not all
on the same page.
526
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:21,307
Hearts were broken.
527
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,699
What's that?
528
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,662
Somebody need a ride?
529
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:31,186
Chicks ride free.
530
00:20:31,186 --> 00:20:32,883
We can't all
fit in there.
531
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:34,668
Look over there.
532
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,409
And over there!
533
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:43,851
♪
534
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:45,809
Welp, another
pretty good Christmas
535
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:47,289
in the books,
wouldn't you say?
536
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,465
Roger: Jesus.
What is that smell?
537
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,206
- - Stan!
- Dad!
- Dad!
538
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:52,773
Jeff: Ugh!
539
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:55,036
Stan: Merry Christmas!
540
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:57,691
Have a great night!