Before we begin our Christmas shopping,
I thought I might reflect on the importance of gift-giving.
[ All groaning ]
Put simply, gift-giving is the only way
for someone to know how much you love them.
Growing up, my father didn't love me.
Thus, he only ever gave me one gift...
Together: A VHS copy of "Death Wish 3"
only sold at Exxon stations for one week in 1985.
Good to see I'm finally getting through to you knuckleheads.
Knuckle deep, Dad. Can we go now?
Nope. They only sold one copy, and the rest they used
as security tapes until they wore out,
meaning it's likely the only copy in circulation.
The day my dad traded it for our first VCR
was the saddest day of my life.
Together: But there was one positive to your childhood trauma.
And that was that it caused me to overcorrect
and become the world's best gift-giver,
- the King of Presents. - All hail the king!
Now, since I'm King of Presents, I only need one hour to shop.
But as my first gift of the season,
I'm giving all of you two.
Well, I already knocked out my shopping.
I'm gonna go see if the single-occupant restroom
at Banana Republic's available.
Klaus is definitely lying
and not buying us gifts this year, right?
We'll just have to see when we open presents Christmas Eve.
All right, enough chit-chat.
Break!
Well, since I bought all my gifts months ago,
I guess we can go home.
But I can't remember where I parked.
Was it P-1 or...
Oh, no, it was right there.
[ Alarm blaring, horn honking ]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
[ Holiday music plays ]
Can I tag along and watch the king?
I'm not buying any presents because I'm Wiccan this year.
Always got time for my subjects.
I'll show you my King of Presents
Two-Pronged Present-Buying System.
Prong one-- Use the employees.
Just give them a brief description
of who you're buying for...
Hey, my daughter's 19 and a girl!
Prong two-- Spring for something nicer.
Your family deserves it.
Come on, something nicer than that!
And that's how it's done.
My son is 14 and a boy!
My wife is 39 and a woman!
My fish is 58 and a German man!
My uncle-in-the-attic is 1,600-years old
and non-gendered!
An air fryer?!
Come on, something nicer than that!
Follow me.
Roger: 2-Pack?
And that's why you're the king.
[ Angelic music plays ]
Steve: The Opulus--
the gateway to the Metaverse.
Unlike in real life,
in the Metaverse the possibilities are endless.
Just put on the Opulus, and in seconds
you can be riding a Jet Ski,
feeding an ostrich,
or riding an ostrich like a Jet Ski!
Ohh. I'd die to ride an ostrich like a Jet Ski.
But I don't even have enough money to buy my family presents,
let alone an Opulus for myself.
Ah! Dad's buying me one?!
You're lucky you came in when you did.
This is our last Opulus.
That was weird.
And now my gift to you all--
Klaus's famous egg nog!
This one's booze, this one's weed,
and this one's 5-Hour Energy.
None for you, Stan.
Egg nog gives you that nasty-ass gas.
Your body is a fart machine that runs on egg nog.
You're Fart Simpson.
Don't have a cow. Don't have any dairy!
Can we focus on the main event here?
To Hayles-Bells,
love, The King of Presents.
Dad, I love it!
I've been wanting to get back into clubbing!
Oh, this'll go great with my Ziploc bag of molly.
This one's from Stan, too.
Oh, it's beautiful, Stan.
It's a Pandora bracelet.
You fill them with charms.
There's a bear charm on there
because we went to the zoo once, I think.
I think we did, too, Stan.
Mwah!
I just want to remind everyone
I was a little light on money this year,
so I had to get creative.
Mom and Hayley, your gifts are actually virtual,
so check your inboxes.
Wait, is this a Cameo from...
Deandre Ayton?!
My favorite basketball player?!
Hey, Hayley, it's me, Deandre Ayton.
I heard you're quite the hooper.
Hope you have a great Christmas,
dominate the paint,
and protect the rim at all costs.
Oh, my God, Steve!
Mom, your gift is a music video of a song I wrote for you.
[ Christmas music plays ]
♪ This Christmas ♪
♪ I give you my heart ♪
♪ Which is where it'll stay till you pass away ♪
Aw!
Stan, can I talk to you upstairs?
Just as I thought.
Steve is demolishing you at gift-giving!
He's gonna take the title of King of Presents!
That's impossible. All he's given are videos.
Those aren't gifts. At best, they're gifs.
That's what's hot right now.
They're called experiences, and the family's loving them.
Don't believe me?
I had a thermal reader installed in the living room
to measure each person's reaction.
Well, I-I installed it for a sex group I'm in,
but the same principles
of giving and receiving are at play.
Steve's in first,
and you each only have one present left.
What do you think?
Torch the house, burn it down, none of this counts?
I'm the King of Presents for a reason.
Watch and learn.
It's a...
chef's jersey!
Chiefs jersey.
Patrick Mahomes--
the jersey all the kids want this year.
It'll help you fit in and not get beat up.
Aw, thanks, Dad.
Here's mine for you.
Feels a little light.
[ Dramatic music plays ]
Oh, my God!
"Exxon Presents: Death Wish 3."
How did you find this?
Took me months.
Had to get pretty deep into the world of VHS collectors,
which, as it happens, is not a scene for children.
It's the greatest gift I've ever received,
even better than the last time I got it.
Wait.
It's over. He got you.
The king is dead.
No, no, no, no!
You son of a bitch!
You knew exactly what you were doing!
Oh, this is so good.
This is... not over!
This is not over!
My God, this is beautiful.
I can't believe I'm touching it again.
You monster! I will destroy you.
I don't love you.
Even though you gave me this.
Every dad dreads the day his son overtakes him.
If I'm not the King of Presents,
what's even the point of Christmas?
You can still fix this, Stan.
You just have to get Steve an even better gift
than he got you by the end of Christmas tomorrow.
Well, how are we gonna do that?
It's gonna be tough. His gift did make you cry.
Oh, wait, I know. Opulus goggles!
What the hell is an Opulus goggles?
You wear 'em.
They're the gateway to the Metaverse, duh!
And exactly what Steve wants.
Anyway, they're sold out everywhere,
but you might have a chance online.
You're in luck. There's one pair left on Amazon,
and it can get here by the morning.
Yes, yes, yes!
Let me just clear out my cart.
What's this huge jug of soy sauce doing in here?
Didn't I already buy that?
'Cause if I didn't, I definitely want to,
but I don't want to end up with two huge jugs of soy sauce.
- Buy the goggles! - Buy!
Oh, no! It just sold out!
And I bought two more jugs of soy sauce?
Dammit, Roger! Now what am I gonna do?
Um, there is one guy I know
that would definitely have it right now.
Only problem is
he's pretty much our biggest enemy.
I'm talking about...
Santa.
Oh, yeah, he is our biggest enemy.
For a second I thought you were talking about the guy
that made up that song about me on the shuttle to the airport
and got everyone to join in.
What? No, that guy was hilarious.
♪ Big chin guy dropped his bag ♪
♪ Got real mad in a fight with his wife ♪
♪ Gonna miss his flight! ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
You know how you two are always begging
for a bigger role in the family?
No. Yes.
Well, now's your chance.
I'm gonna super-speed Stan up to the North Pole
to get a present, and we need you two to cover for us.
You want Rogu and me to pretend to be the two of you?
Yeah, Rogu will be me, and you'll be Stan.
Why do I have to be Stan?
I'm more like Roger. I'm wild.
Wait, you would rather be Roger than me?
"I'm Daddy. I like wine."
Please tell me that's not your impression of me, Rogu.
Wine's not even a big part of who I am.
Well, you do drink a lot of wine, Roger.
I do a lot of a lot of things!
All right, stop. Time is of the essence.
Rogu will play me,
and Klaus the Traitor will play Roger.
We're depending on you two.
The fate of Christmas as we know it
is in the balance.
Okay, maybe you shoulda...
climbed in after-- Yeah. No, I got it.
Man, we haven't even left the house yet,
and my thighs are burning.
[ Holiday music plays ]
♪
Hey! That's the elf that choked me out last time.
I'm gonna go say hi.
Roger, no!
Hey, remember me from a few years ago?
[ Hoarsely ] He remembers...
how I like it.
Now I've got to convince Santa
to give me this year's hottest gift.
After I convince him not to kill me, of course.
This is gonna take all my C.I.A. negotiation training.
Please, please, please don't kill me!
I need an Opulus. I'll do anything.
I'll eat gross stuff.
I'll put firecrackers in my butt.
I'll tell the guys at work how I manscape
using a pair of plastic kindergarten scissors.
I'll do anything!
Jesus, man, get up.
The neighbors record everything.
You're lucky you caught me when you did.
Christmas Eve right before I deliver presents
is when I'm nicest.
Good, because my son's gunning for me.
And if I don't get him an Opulus,
I lose my crown as my family's King of Presents.
There you are!
Why aren't you answering your texts?
I think I left my cellphone somewhere.
You are killing me right now.
We have to stay on schedule.
I'm coming, Guffrie!
I have a guest right now!
Those are contradictory sentences.
I'm coming!
Nog? Oh, I shouldn't.
Oh, actually, what the hell?
How often you get the chance to drink Santa's nog, right?
You might be able to hold off your son this year, Stan,
but he's going to keep coming for you.
I've been in the presents game a long time,
and I've never seen anything like what's happening now.
The Internet?
Amazon?
And you know who I blame?
The millennials.
Don't even get me started on them.
Never seen anything like them in my 2,000 years,
with their cool haircuts and their skinny jeans.
I don't understand the skinny jeans.
What if you want to sit down?
That can't be comfortable.
And when you do, where does the penis go?
Where does the penis go?
That's why I like a baggier crotch in my pants.
I love it. I love a baggy crotch.
I'd like to wear those baggy pants that men wore
in Middle-Eastern bazaars, like in "Aladdin."
Oh, I have a pair, and I love them.
They're called harem pants.
And by the way, they're back in a big way right now, Stan.
I gotta say, I'm surprised we're getting along so well.
Me, too.
It's too bad we're enemies,
'cause you really got your head screwed on straight.
Can I show you something I've been working on?
Of course. You can show me anything.
[ Applause on television ]
Shouldn't we be spending Christmas Eve together?
Just let your Dad spin out upstairs with Roger.
The Enrique Iglesias holiday special is on,
and he really revs my vagina, if you know what I mean.
It's...
You're being very clear.
Klaus: Oh, hi, Stan, it's me, Roger.
What are you doing?
Rogu: Taking shower.
I'm loud man.
There. Stop worrying.
Your dad's taking a shower.
Why's he using our shower?
Rogu: Loud man like variety.
There. You satisfied?
Loud man like variety.
[ Jingle plays ]
Now that we've stolen the technology from the Opulus,
I'm making my own version.
I call them JollyGoggles.
And they'll take you anywhere in the Jingleverse--
my version of the Metaverse.
Sick names.
In the Jingleverse, you can go anywhere--
the Alps...
the Caribbean...
space!
And it's so real, people will never take them off.
They'll spend all their time in there,
even exchanging virtual presents
in the Jingleverse on Christmas.
And with the computer set up to give out any gift imaginable,
I'll never have to make another toy in my life.
Nice.
Hey, you don't think I could get a pair of JollyGoggles
for Steve, do you?
Unfortunately, we're a little late to market
because we haven't had any human beta-testers.
Just elves, and all they want is Christmas porn.
Dirty little buggers.
We do have the hard-wired prototypes here.
Wait, Stan.
What if we put your family in the Jingleverse
without them knowing?
Why would we do that?
Because it's so real, when they wake up,
they'd think it's real life.
And we could program it so you're King of Presents forever.
Oh-kay!
So, how would we do that?
When I'm delivering presents,
I'll just stop by your house,
grab them, and bring them here.
You'd really do that for me?
Of course.
Thanks.
Here you are.
I'm coming!
If you don't leave right now,
children in the first time zone--
I said I'm coming!
[ Screaming ]
Why do we look like this?
What are you-- Ah!
Mamma mia! This isn't good.
[ Screams ]
Why am I numbers?
Why is babe numbers?!
I'm not good at numbers!
Okay, obviously this isn't real life.
Only a fool would think that.
This is the Jingleverse,
the Christmas version of the Metaverse.
It's an experience I got you.
The King of Presents, baby!
I can't believe those elves knocked-out and kidnapped
the whole family except us.
We're main family members.
I'm loud man.
We gotta go to the North Pole
and save and/or avenge these [bleep]
Let's ride!
Try to have a little fun.
We can go anywhere in the Jingleverse.
We can go to the Alps.
Oh, my God. It's so cold.
Hayley: I can't believe how real the cold feels.
And what is that?
Run.
Ruuuun!
[ All screaming ]
Stan, what the hell's going on?
It's okay. None of this is real.
We're wearing goggles we can take off.
Ahh. I can't get mine off.
I can't get mine off!
Santa! Santa!
Santa?!
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
What the hell is he doing here?
Oh, it's cool. We're friends now.
Hey, man, I can't get my goggles off.
That's because they're fused to your head,
just like they'll be fused to every human's head
next Christmas!
Wait, once you put on the JollyGoggles,
they never come off?
Yeah, we think it's a feature
that'll really help us with user retention.
But this place sucks.
I've seen better coded '90s GeoCities sites.
Hey! It's going to get a lot better
now that I finally have some human beta-testers.
You tricked me.
Hey, you were so worried
about your dumb King of Presents thing,
you would've agreed to anything.
Wait, Stan.
You agreed to let Santa put us in here?
The guy that left a diaper full of shit
under our Christmas tree?
That was not me.
I shit coal.
I had to do something.
Steve was gonna steal my King of Presents crown.
What? I just wanted to give you a nice gift.
Just wanted to give me a nice gift,
just because.
Not just because.
Because you're always there for us.
Shoot, you went all the way to the North Pole
on Christmas Eve just to get me a present.
Steve, do not use this as a positive example.
That's why I wanted to get you such a great present.
Because you're always doing crazy stuff for us.
Thanks, Steve.
I'm sorry I got you all stuck in here.
We should be at home.
Wait. We're not at home?
No, we're at the mercy of some...
Francine: Millennial-looking Santa.
Jeff: He looks like Macklemore.
More like if Santa ate Macklemore.
[ Laughs ] Dammit. Quit making me laugh.
[ Sniffs ] Oh, my God!
What is that smell?
Ugh! It smells like Dad's egg-nog farts.
Santa offered. What am I supposed to do,
say no to Kris freakin' Kringle's personal nog?
You talkin' about Ho-Ho-Host Malone's
nog over here?
[ Laughter ]
Okay, you know what?
Screw you guys.
To JingleJail Island!
[ Ominous music plays ]
[ Screaming ]
Hayley: Oh, my God. It's so cold again!
Yep, and you'll get to feel it for the rest of your lives--
well, as long as I can keep your bodies alive in real life.
[ Clanging ][ Gasps ]
Steve, I drank that nog in real life,
which means I farted in real life.
Cool, Dad.
And we all smelt it in real life.
Which means we're all in the same room.
I'm going after Santa.
Ow! Hey!
- Hello. - Hoo-hoo!
Hey! Someone touched me!
I gotta give you props on getting us this SnoCat, Rogu.
Whatever you told that guy in the shed really worked.
Daddy teach me power of persuasion.
That's you, isn't it, Stan?
Guffrie!
Release me from the Jingleverse!
Guffrie! Ugh!
What do we do?
Let's see where this goes.
Stan, you've got no way out.
I'll make you a deal.
Leave your family in here and move in with me.
Kings of Presents- slash-roommates.
You know it'd be lit.
I don't wanna be King of Presents
if the presents aren't for my family.
Ugh! Ugh!
Oh!
That was a big mistake Stan.
Where are you, Guffrie?!
You're there, aren't you, Guffrie?
Let my family out.
You can keep Santa in here all year
and run things your way.
You know how much better it would be.
Guffrie, if you are seriously there
and listening to this, I am going to shit myself.
And then you can free all the elves
he's locked up in the Jingleverse.
That's gotta be eating at you.
Oh, wow.
Always nice to have the C.I.A. come by
and lecture me on putting people in cages.
[ Whirring ]
[ Googles beep ]
Oh, you dicks!
I'm gonna kill you, Smith!
I know where you live!
I know where everybody lives!
Let's go.
♪
I'm the Santa now.
Hey, you guys trying to get out of here, too?
I just had a three-way,
and we were not all on the same page.
Hearts were broken.
What's that?
Somebody need a ride?
Chicks ride free.
We can't all fit in there.
Look over there.
And over there!
♪
Welp, another pretty good Christmas
in the books, wouldn't you say?
Roger: Jesus. What is that smell?
- - Stan! - Dad! - Dad!
Jeff: Ugh!
Stan: Merry Christmas!
Have a great night!