♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
This mall disgusts me.
It's built on sacred land once ruled by proud indigenous people.
And what do we reduce them to? Chief Shopaholic.
Attention, palefaces.
On sale now, a 48-inch flat-screen TV.
Or as we call it, maize.
What kind of idiot would buy this materialistic crap?
And we widen to reveal...
Look at all this cool stuff. A glow-in-the-dark rake,
a money suit, a giant Flavor Flav clock,
and this robot frog that does amazing things when you speak Taiwanese.
Ni hao ma?
Stan, it's great the C.I.A. gave you that $20,000 bonus
for "most evasive testimony to Congress."
But at this rate, it'll be gone in no time.
Hey, if I don't buy all this crap, the terrorists win.
And don't tell me it's not a competition,
because it so is.
Oh, my God! I've always wanted to own a kiosk.
I could just never seem to raise the money.
-So, Adam... -Mr. Ant.
Right. So what do you think?
Now will you invest in my kiosk business?
Invest? I'm Adam Ant! I have, like, eight dollars.
So now that your head's clear, would you like to invest in my kiosk?
Do you want me to go?
You guys think about my kiosk idea.
I'm gonna freshen up.
She's not gettin' a dime.
But what we just did gives me an idea for a song.
-What's her name again? -Eileen, I think.
Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies.
Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Do I look like I'm made of money?
Ugh! I'm going for a walk in the woods out back.
When you're done with all this soulless materialism,
text me on my Sidekick.
Sweetie, you don't need popcorn.
I made you some muffins.
Cool! Your muffins are the best!
I can sell 'em to my friends and buy some popcorn.
Your friends would pay money for my muffins?
That's it!
People would pay money for my muffins,
and there's an available kiosk!
All I need is someone with a little start-up money who believes in me.
Francine, you know what I'm gonna do for you?
I'm gonna wear my money suit to your grand opening
when you find that someone who believes in you.
Ah, nature.
I will put my ear to the ground
and hear the heartbeat of Mother Earth.
One for Mr. Mouse: Cheese Detective.
Dude, we're going to The Soiling,
the werewolf movie so scary, it makes you mess your pants.
Come on. No movie's that scary.
One for The Soiling.
Okay, here's your diaper.
Changing tables are by the butter dispenser.
You gonna use your diaper? I'm kinda floating over here.
Sure. Let me just...
Sorry. Ocupado.
Is this your first? Mine too.
I was hoping to be a little more financially stable,
but you can't put off having sea monkeys forever.
Oh, my God! My babies! They're alive!
Oh, it's true what they say!
The love is instantaneous and unconditional.
I'm a mess! I'm a mess! Champagne for everyone!
None for you, Romeo and Anastasia.
Okay. Just don't tell your mother.
What?
No!
Hurry, Francine,
before the juice on my rechargeable fork runs out.
Terrific. Now it's just a regular $2,000 fork.
Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall.
If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus,
I could start a business selling my muffins!
-I think there's a real market for... -Ooh, ooh, uh, uh,
I'm sorry. Sorry to interrupt. But real quick.
This is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Never gonna happen.
-But please keep going. -Oh, just forget it.
Great call, Francine.
I'll take my pie on the veranda.
Francine, I'd buy you 10 kiosks
if I still had my human body.
I'd do lots of things if I had a human body,
because, you know, I'd have a penis.
Klaus, you know I don't like that type of language.
Put a quarter in the penis jar.
How about when that werewolf puked up that guy's arm?
Sure, it was scary, but it's just a movie.
And not even a real movie. It was shot in Canada.
Dude, you were so just randomly attacked by a wolf!
Maybe next full moon, you'll turn into a werewolf.
I gotta get someplace safe!
Huh?
Well, that's an easy choice.
Nature can't defend itself,
so I will defend nature.
Gaia, Earth Mother of Creation,
make my banana steady and true.
Greetings, fellow eco-warrior.
I am Arboreus,
the leader of this team of environmental soldiers.
I was born a tree trapped in a man's body.
But I'm fixing that.
I've already had the chlorophyll injections,
and I found a surgeon in Sweden
who's agreed to replace my testes with acorns.
Wow! You're hard-core.
Yes.
Heaven's gonna get two new angels.
This is in case you get hungry on the way up.
Ooh! You snuck up on me, cutie pie.
Say, you're just about the right size to fill that hole in my heart.
Oh, you like Francine's muffins?
There's more where that came from.
You're gonna come live with me.
I will call you Felicity.
So I thought the rest of my bonus money
should be put aside for my son's education.
Then I thought... Rocket boots!
A wise decision.
Very "rockety."
Sir, I called your bank.
You only have enough money for one boot.
I don't understand.
I have at least $5,000 left in that account. How did...
-Attention, palefaces. -Welcome new addition to tribe.
Mrs. Smith's Muffin Kiosk.
Chief say how... delicious!
Francine, this is unacceptable!
Francine, what the hell is going on?
Stan, for your information,
my muffins are selling faster than hotcakes!
How come no one's buying your hotcakes, Mr. Aids?
Because I'm Irish, Jimmy.
Because I'm Irish.
Francine, this is crazy.
We've gotta shut this thing down
before you lose all my money.
You want your money, you unsupportive jerk?
Fine!
Here's your $5,000 back.
You made all this in one day?
That's right, I did.
Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.
Can I help you?
If this mall expansion goes through,
hundreds of trees will be slaughtered.
Now, we have a plan.
But to prove you're dedicated to our cause,
you must first make out with a tree.
Wait. You want to make out with me?
Me? No. I've got a redwood in Canada.
But my friend here thinks you're really cute.
What's wrong?
Is it because he's Asian?
Isn't this fun?
I want our relationship to be totally Gilmore.
So, any cute boys in your life?
I was just asking.
You don't have to bite my head off.
Teenagers. Drama!
You guys really think I'm a werewolf?
Well, we can't take any chances.
There's a full moon tonight.
Wait a minute. I understand the rope,
but what's the deal with the gag and kimono?
I don't know.
But I walked in on my parents once,
and they were using all three.
But there's no way I'm...
You like that, don't you, bitch?
That's what my mom says to my dad.
You mean she didn't even leave you a sandwich?
I know. What kind of businesswoman forgets to make dinner for her husband?
That's just bad business. And bad "womaning."
Forget her. I can cook.
Here we go. Mac "N" Cheez.
"Boil water." What am I, a chemist?
You know, Stan, before the C.I.A. put my brain into the body of a fish,
I was a great chef.
-My specialty was seafood. -Mmm, that sounds good.
I just need a pan, some butter, white wine, a little paprika,
oh, and my brain back in a human body.
You know I don't have the clearance to do that.
But without Francine to cook for you,
you have two choices,
risk your career performing an unauthorized brain transfer or...
Order out!
Perhaps they will use the tiny corn.
Stop!
Let's do it.
I have no idea what this is,
but I'm too tired to question it.
Let's get you a little fresh air.
Finally a new body.
Ooh, I want to be 6'2", blond, blue eyes...
And scars!
I want my face to tell a story.
Well, looks like slim pickings.
It was a slow month for abductions.
The snatch van has been in the shop.
They thought it was the starter,
but now, they don't know what it is.
Ah, nothin' like a good night's sleep.
Thanks, Mattress King.
I am a werewolf!
No!
Good morning, Francine.
I'm late, so don't even ask me to make you breakfast.
I don't need you to make me breakfast.
All I need is my clock and my rocket boot.
Oh, what time is it? Time to kick it!
♪ Hit me ♪
Okay, Klaus, she's gone.
Guten Tag.
I am gorgeous. Whose body was this?
He was the front man for anbr/Earth, Wind & Fire cover band.
They played the C.I.A. summer mixer
and tried to overcharge us.
Bad idea. Just so we're clear.
As soon as Francine gives up this muffin nonsense,
your brain goes back in the fish!
Ja, ja. A deal's a deal.
Now make me that breakfast you owe me.
Right away. But first, let me ask you something.
How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Ah, three should do it... What? Ugh!
Thanks for the five G's.
Wiedersehen.
Rest easy, Stan.
The longer you stay unconscious,
the less you have to think about me invading Francine Land.
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ The 21st night of September ♪
♪ Love was changing the minds Of pretenders ♪
♪ While chasing The clouds away ♪
♪ Our hearts were ringing ♪
♪ In the key that Our souls were singing ♪
♪ As we danced in the night Remember ♪
♪ How the stars Stole the night away ♪
♪ Ba de ya Say do you remember ♪
♪ Ba de ya ♪
How did that get stuck in my head?
Damn it! I have to stop Klaus!
Well, another successful trip to Brad's Cactus Shack.
Can you believe they were just giving away razor blades?
I'll turn on our new lemon juice waterfall.
-That'll be five dollars. Next. -Four banana nut.
Ten dollars. Next.
How much for every muffin on your cart?
Would a thousand dollars cover it?
Now that you have no more muffins to sell,
perhaps you'd join me for dinner?
Oh, that's very flattering, but I'm married.
Oh, no, you misunderstand.
Although I find you exceedingly fly,
I'm much more interested in your business acumen.
I would love to pick your brain.
You would?
Well, I'll just get my bag.
You know, you seem very familiar.
Have we met before?
Oh, you know,
I'm just one of those black Germans
that seems familiar to everyone, hmm?
I have to kill Klaus before he steals Francine.
-There's no time to lose. -That'll be three dollars.
What? That's a total rip. I'll park it myself.
-All I have is a five. -Sorry. I don't have change.
Oh, forget it! I'll park it myself!
Your muffin kiosk is fantastic.
Your husband must think you're brilliant.
Well, recently, he's been treating me like I'm pretty unsmart.
Well, if you ask me,
he should be worshiping you like a goddess every day.
-Well, Stan tries his best. -Chip?
Stan never offers me chips.
Oh, no, thanks. I don't like chips.
At least he offered.
Friends, I am a werewolf.
I've taken a life, and I'm sure I will again.
Therefore, you must use this silver bullet to... kill me.
My only regret is I'll never know
the sweet, silky tingle of real boob.
Oh, I can't let you go out like this.
-Here. -Are you... Are you sure?
'Cause I won't lie. I have thought of it.
Mind if I call you Jennifer?
Jennifer.
Miss Piggy.
This'll be such a fun Christmas card.
Timer! Timer's on!
Wait! Wait, Felicity! Come back!
Oh, God. Now I have a teenage runaway.
I'll never get over this!
Well, hello there, Mr. Noisy Tush.
Francine! Francine! Francine.
Klaus.
-Stan! -Get away from him!
I will not!
This man's given me something you haven't for a long time!
We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
I'm talking about respect, Stan!
Oh, my God! You respected her?
You're dead, Klaus!
-Klaus? -Francine.
Nobody move! I've got a bomb!
-Arboreus? -Hayley?
-Klaus? -Barry, Toshi, Snot,
you're my best friends.
You're all worthy of killing me, but only one of you can.
I should do it!
My parents couldn't afford a bar mitzvah,
and I need a rite of passage.
It should be me.
He knows me in a special way.
Gimme it!
Werewolf!
Arboreus, this was supposed to be a peaceful protest.
-How could you do this? -How could America do this?
All across this country, our forests are being replaced.
Move me now. Move me dramatically. I want to move.
Our forests are being replaced with malls
full of overpriced clothing,
designer sunglasses and muffin kiosks!
-Arboreus, this is crazy. -Oh, I'll show you crazy.
It's Steve!
Dude, it's us, your friends!
Remember? We came out here to kill you.
What happened?
Look! He's alive!
The silver bullet must've just grazed him.
-The curse is broken! -Thanks, guys.
Come on. Let's go home.
Barry! Yoo-hoo!
No, milady. 'Tis not my time yet.
Now, in the name of the forest creatures
with their silent voices and the very earth...
Ah, screw it. I'm just gonna blow the sucker up.
-Not my beautiful new body! -Francine!
Stan!
It's all right, Francine.
For the second time in my life, I was saved by hip-hop.
But that's another story.
Stan, you saved me!
Well, I wouldn't want to live without you.
Stan, you may be a selfish, misguided chauvinist
who spits on my dreams,
but you'd die for me, and that says everything.
What were you doing?
You almost killed my parents!
I've been de-potted!
I... I can't breathe!
Baby, let's go home.
Oh, my God! Klaus!
Mein beautiful body.
I'm not going to make it.
Stan, we can't let him die.
Well, that was the last body we had at the C.I.A.
What do you want me to do?
Now I know why they say,
"Once you've been black, there's no going back."