1
00:00:02,718 --> 00:00:05,435
♪ Good morning, USA ♪

2
00:00:05,435 --> 00:00:08,910
♪ I got a feeling That it's
gonna be A wonderful day ♪

3
00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:11,748
♪ The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face ♪

4
00:00:11,748 --> 00:00:15,066
♪ And he's shining a salute
To the American race ♪

5
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

6
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♪ Good morning, USA ♪

7
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♪ Good morning, USA ♪

8
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♪ That's the look
That's the look ♪

9
00:00:31,169 --> 00:00:32,967
♪ The look of love ♪

10
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♪ That's the look
That's the look ♪

11
00:00:35,085 --> 00:00:37,203
♪ The look of love... ♪

12
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:39,920
Shauna, looking rad tonight.
Wanna dance?

13
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-Like, gag me.
-Grody.

14
00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:44,715
Sheesh! Uptown girls.

15
00:00:44,715 --> 00:00:46,554
Oh, come on, guys!
No wet willies!

16
00:00:46,554 --> 00:00:48,192
I just Clearasilled my ears.

17
00:00:48,192 --> 00:00:50,230
Smith, relax. You look choice.

18
00:00:50,230 --> 00:00:53,267
So choice that Stacy Stanton
wants to dance with you.

19
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:55,624
The homecoming queen?
I am so sure.

20
00:00:55,624 --> 00:00:57,862
Hey, I was, like, "No way" too.

21
00:00:57,862 --> 00:01:00,539
But she's saving
the spotlight dance for you.

22
00:01:00,539 --> 00:01:03,057
The spotlight dance?

23
00:01:06,574 --> 00:01:07,892
It's all set, right?

24
00:01:07,892 --> 00:01:09,971
It's gonna be
just like in Carrie.

25
00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:21,199
Pigs? It was supposed
to be pigs' blood!

26
00:01:21,199 --> 00:01:22,557
I didn't finish the book.

27
00:01:22,557 --> 00:01:24,396
You stopped reading
after the word "pigs"?

28
00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:25,994
That wasn't even the end
of the sentence.

29
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You think you're so cool!

30
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:38,302
Well, in 20 years, I'm gonna come back
here with my own homecoming queen,

31
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and we'll have
our spotlight dance!

32
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And I'll show you!
I'll show you!

33
00:01:42,578 --> 00:01:45,654
And you! And you! And you!
And you! And you!

34
00:01:45,654 --> 00:01:46,893
-Stan, wake up!
-Huh?

35
00:01:46,893 --> 00:01:48,731
Oh, sorry. Must've zoned out.

36
00:01:48,731 --> 00:01:50,810
You just shot Jackson
eight times!

37
00:01:53,087 --> 00:01:54,405
Oh, my God, Jackson!

38
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:55,924
Hang on, buddy!
You're gonna make it!

39
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,280
Hey, Stan, have you
seen my double?

40
00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,877
Ah, Jackson, thank God!
Yeah, I just shot him.

41
00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:04,316
Ah, man!

42
00:02:04,316 --> 00:02:06,872
We were supposed to go on a
dangerous mission to Pakistan!

43
00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:08,951
Hey, a human being
just died here.

44
00:02:08,951 --> 00:02:10,270
Show some respect.

45
00:02:10,270 --> 00:02:12,547
Now, who had Jackson's double
in the death pool?

46
00:02:12,547 --> 00:02:14,066
Uh, I had Markie Post.

47
00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:15,864
Wait. Is Markie Post dead?

48
00:02:15,864 --> 00:02:17,222
Somebody google Markie Post.

49
00:02:18,022 --> 00:02:20,420
-Are we there yet?
-No.

50
00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:22,257
-Are we there yet?
-Stan, you're driving.

51
00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:25,415
I'm just so damn excited about
this high school reunion, Francine.

52
00:02:25,415 --> 00:02:27,253
Why? It's my reunion.

53
00:02:27,253 --> 00:02:29,210
Well, we missed mine, remember?

54
00:02:29,210 --> 00:02:32,408
It was already midnight before I realized
we were at an insurance convention.

55
00:02:32,408 --> 00:02:34,127
Buck Wilson.

56
00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,324
Now, there was
a risk-management expert.

57
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:37,882
But, honey, I don't get it.

58
00:02:37,882 --> 00:02:39,800
No one's gonna know you
at my reunion.

59
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,198
They don't have to know me.

60
00:02:41,198 --> 00:02:43,236
All they have to know is that
I'm the guy dancing

61
00:02:43,236 --> 00:02:45,195
with the homecoming queen
under the spotlight.

62
00:02:45,794 --> 00:02:47,832
And no pig showers.

63
00:02:50,709 --> 00:02:53,107
Boy, whoever adopted
this part of the highway

64
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is really keeping it clean.

65
00:02:54,545 --> 00:02:57,303
Thanks, "Ku Klux Klan."

66
00:03:00,459 --> 00:03:02,777
You know, before we fire off
your dad's mortar,

67
00:03:02,777 --> 00:03:04,695
maybe we should read
the instruction manual.

68
00:03:04,695 --> 00:03:07,732
If a five-year-old Palestinian
can figure it out, so can I.

69
00:03:07,732 --> 00:03:09,090
Water in the hole!

70
00:03:14,046 --> 00:03:16,284
Hey, if we got your dad's
missile launcher,

71
00:03:16,284 --> 00:03:20,120
I bet we can hit the house of the bully
who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye.

72
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,118
Oh, I wish I could
get that guy back.

73
00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:23,717
I'd like to dress up
like a girl

74
00:03:23,717 --> 00:03:25,235
and make him have sex with me,

75
00:03:25,235 --> 00:03:27,592
then say, "Ha! I'm not a girl!"

76
00:03:27,592 --> 00:03:31,109
"You just had sex with a boy
who hates you!"

77
00:03:31,109 --> 00:03:33,587
Yeah, let's keep that plan
between you, me

78
00:03:33,587 --> 00:03:36,264
and the string of therapists
who won't be able to help you.

79
00:03:36,264 --> 00:03:38,462
Ooh, ooh, target, 12 o'clock.

80
00:03:48,971 --> 00:03:50,570
What's your deal, bozo?

81
00:03:50,570 --> 00:03:51,968
We're humiliating you.

82
00:03:51,968 --> 00:03:53,766
I have no deal, friend,

83
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,804
because I know you soak not me,

84
00:03:55,804 --> 00:03:58,921
but rather all those
who've ever hurt you.

85
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That's so... true.

86
00:04:04,915 --> 00:04:06,793
We can at least
take solace in the fact

87
00:04:06,793 --> 00:04:09,311
that there was nothing we could
have done to prevent that.

88
00:04:11,828 --> 00:04:14,066
Oh, my God, Francine!

89
00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:15,664
You look exactly the same!

90
00:04:15,664 --> 00:04:18,581
So do you, uh... Uh...

91
00:04:18,581 --> 00:04:20,939
That's okay, Francine.
You don't have to remember her name.

92
00:04:20,939 --> 00:04:22,936
You were the homecoming queen.

93
00:04:22,936 --> 00:04:25,215
Don't! Stan, I'll look silly.

94
00:04:25,215 --> 00:04:27,213
If by "silly,"
you mean beautiful,

95
00:04:27,213 --> 00:04:28,891
then yes, you do look silly.

96
00:04:28,891 --> 00:04:30,529
Hell, you look
downright retarded!

97
00:04:30,529 --> 00:04:31,688
Stan.

98
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:32,967
Francine!

99
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:33,966
Quacky!

100
00:04:36,963 --> 00:04:40,280
Stan, this was my best friend
in the whole world, Quacky.

101
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,958
Then how come you've never
mentioned him once?

102
00:04:41,958 --> 00:04:44,556
What? I mention him
all the time.

103
00:04:44,556 --> 00:04:47,752
I even did that one-woman show
called Mentioning Quacky.

104
00:04:47,752 --> 00:04:49,271
Oh, yeah. I meant
to go to that.

105
00:04:49,271 --> 00:04:50,589
So who else is here?

106
00:04:50,589 --> 00:04:52,707
Um, there's Kenneth McTier,
crack addict.

107
00:04:52,707 --> 00:04:54,505
Brian Miller, child molester.

108
00:04:54,505 --> 00:04:57,423
And Doug Ackerman,
bald.

109
00:04:57,423 --> 00:04:59,660
Oh, my God! Is that Betty Sue?

110
00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:02,537
Yup. Hard to believe you
almost lost homecoming queen to her.

111
00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:05,335
That's right.
I only won by one vote.

112
00:05:05,335 --> 00:05:06,893
How could it be so close?

113
00:05:06,893 --> 00:05:08,291
She's so fat that...

114
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:10,609
She's so fat that, uh...

115
00:05:10,609 --> 00:05:11,848
Come on! You got to
have one of these.

116
00:05:11,848 --> 00:05:13,966
Hmm. She's so fat that

117
00:05:13,966 --> 00:05:16,803
Rabelais documented her
adventures with Pantagruel?

118
00:05:16,803 --> 00:05:19,560
Oh, damn! Oh, yes, he did!

119
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:23,276
Apparently, Betty Sue was so
devastated by losing homecoming queen,

120
00:05:23,276 --> 00:05:26,474
she walked into a Dunkin'
Donuts and never came out.

121
00:05:26,474 --> 00:05:29,031
And speaking of coming out,
ta-da!

122
00:05:29,031 --> 00:05:30,590
So that's why you're so pale.

123
00:05:30,590 --> 00:05:32,547
This is the first time you've
come out of your house.

124
00:05:32,547 --> 00:05:34,785
Welcome. This is a necktie,
and that's a table.

125
00:05:34,785 --> 00:05:36,223
No. I'm gay.

126
00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:37,023
What?

127
00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,301
My gaydar is totally off.

128
00:05:41,019 --> 00:05:43,536
Damn! SkyMall screwed me again!

129
00:05:43,536 --> 00:05:46,413
Well, Quacky,
I think it's fantastic!

130
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:48,851
Stan, why don't you get us
some drinks to celebrate?

131
00:05:48,851 --> 00:05:52,127
Okay. But when I go, he has to
promise not to stare at my ass

132
00:05:52,127 --> 00:05:53,127
or become a school teacher!

133
00:05:53,127 --> 00:05:54,406
I'm a bartender...

134
00:05:54,406 --> 00:05:57,202
Uh-uh! Conversation's
up here, sailor.

135
00:06:01,039 --> 00:06:02,797
Sorry my, um,

136
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:05,355
war veteran uncle here
blew up your car.

137
00:06:05,355 --> 00:06:06,553
No matter.

138
00:06:06,553 --> 00:06:09,191
A car is merely a means
of transporting pizzas.

139
00:06:09,191 --> 00:06:11,069
Thankfully,
the pizzas survived,

140
00:06:11,069 --> 00:06:14,826
for they contain
the dough of life.

141
00:06:14,826 --> 00:06:18,102
Uh, I'm sorry. I drifted off.
Are you on Thorazine?

142
00:06:18,102 --> 00:06:19,341
What the hell?

143
00:06:19,341 --> 00:06:21,219
I mean, what year is it?
Who's president?

144
00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:23,616
Roger! Mitch, if you can't
finish your route,

145
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,015
won't you lose your job?

146
00:06:25,015 --> 00:06:29,011
Perhaps, for lo, when a pie
reaches not its destination,

147
00:06:29,011 --> 00:06:30,809
a trust is broken forever.

148
00:06:30,809 --> 00:06:35,805
Yeah. Look, Kung Fu, I prefer
my crazy in my bread.

149
00:06:35,805 --> 00:06:38,881
Hey, you can use my mom's car
to deliver the pizzas!

150
00:06:38,881 --> 00:06:40,959
Hey, your folks
left Hayley in charge.

151
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:43,915
No way she's gonna let you loan
your mom's car to this psycho.

152
00:06:43,915 --> 00:06:45,554
I'm pretty sure her mind
is elsewhere.

153
00:06:47,912 --> 00:06:49,071
-What?
-What?

154
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:58,103
Has anyone seen the scuba
diver that floats in mein tank?

155
00:06:58,103 --> 00:06:59,901
It's been two days,
and I'm starting to get worried.

156
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:01,779
Brownies!

157
00:07:04,016 --> 00:07:06,334
Oh, Klaus, no. Don't eat that.

158
00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:07,133
Why?

159
00:07:16,364 --> 00:07:17,723
Gather round, everyone.

160
00:07:17,723 --> 00:07:21,238
The reunion committee has
dug up the class time capsule.

161
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:24,836
Jimmy Gillespie's
parachute pants.

162
00:07:26,673 --> 00:07:28,151
Oh, and look at here.

163
00:07:28,151 --> 00:07:30,310
The ballot box from
the homecoming election.

164
00:07:33,506 --> 00:07:36,104
Hi. Stan Smith, married
to the homecoming queen.

165
00:07:36,104 --> 00:07:38,142
Look for me tonight
in the spotlight dance.

166
00:07:39,420 --> 00:07:41,538
This box is school property!

167
00:07:41,538 --> 00:07:43,617
"This box is school property!"

168
00:07:43,617 --> 00:07:45,655
Oh, my gosh! What's this?

169
00:07:45,655 --> 00:07:49,491
Two uncounted ballots,
both for Betty Sue.

170
00:07:49,491 --> 00:07:51,769
Well, that means Betty Sue won.

171
00:07:51,769 --> 00:07:53,007
How do you like that?

172
00:07:53,007 --> 00:07:54,646
I never was
the homecoming queen.

173
00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:10,669
I'm gonna freshen up
before the picnic.

174
00:08:10,669 --> 00:08:13,027
Why don't you help yourself
to the strawberries I ordered?

175
00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:16,383
Oink, oink, Stan.

176
00:08:16,383 --> 00:08:18,422
Guess you didn't marry
the homecoming queen.

177
00:08:18,422 --> 00:08:20,979
Guess you still are the loser
you were in high school.

178
00:08:20,979 --> 00:08:23,217
You proved nothing to nobody.

179
00:08:23,217 --> 00:08:25,055
P.S. I charged a movie
to your room.

180
00:08:25,055 --> 00:08:26,733
Oink, oink, oink, oink,
oink, oink, oink, oink!

181
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,929
I cannot wait for
the big dance tonight.

182
00:08:30,929 --> 00:08:33,327
I feel like I'm 18 again.

183
00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:35,485
Get off of that!
That's a queen-size bed.

184
00:08:35,485 --> 00:08:37,403
There are no queens here.

185
00:08:37,403 --> 00:08:38,482
Hello, Housekeeping?

186
00:08:38,482 --> 00:08:40,400
Can you bring us
a runner-up-size bed?

187
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,877
Stan, what's the matter?

188
00:08:41,877 --> 00:08:43,077
What's the matter?

189
00:08:43,077 --> 00:08:44,755
You're not
the homecoming queen.

190
00:08:44,755 --> 00:08:47,473
I'm not gonna be the cool guy
dancing in the spotlight!

191
00:08:47,473 --> 00:08:49,630
I'm just gonna be the dork
by the punch bowl

192
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,588
slumming with
the Duchess of Second Place.

193
00:08:51,588 --> 00:08:54,146
You know what, Stan?
If it's so darn...

194
00:08:54,146 --> 00:08:55,825
No. "Damn"!

195
00:08:55,825 --> 00:08:57,463
That's right. I went there.

196
00:08:57,463 --> 00:08:59,860
If it's so darn important
for you to dance

197
00:08:59,860 --> 00:09:00,979
with the homecoming queen,

198
00:09:00,979 --> 00:09:03,617
why don't you just go
with Betty Sue?

199
00:09:05,215 --> 00:09:06,533
I mean, you're acting like a...

200
00:09:07,293 --> 00:09:08,532
Stan?

201
00:09:08,532 --> 00:09:11,249
Someone order a runner-up bed?

202
00:09:11,249 --> 00:09:13,646
I came out of the bathroom,
and he was just gone.

203
00:09:13,646 --> 00:09:15,484
Hey, I bet he went
to pick up some flowers

204
00:09:15,484 --> 00:09:16,644
to apologize for the fight.

205
00:09:16,644 --> 00:09:18,562
Excuse me. Coming through.

206
00:09:18,562 --> 00:09:21,318
There he is... with flowers.

207
00:09:22,037 --> 00:09:23,597
Make way for the queen.

208
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,553
Oh, hello, Francine.

209
00:09:26,553 --> 00:09:28,672
You know my date,
the homecoming queen.

210
00:09:28,672 --> 00:09:30,709
HQ, that's what I call her, HQ.

211
00:09:30,709 --> 00:09:32,547
HQ, you know my wife, Francine.

212
00:09:32,547 --> 00:09:33,946
I hope this isn't awkward.

213
00:09:33,946 --> 00:09:36,663
Awkward? Don't be silly.
It was Francine's idea.

214
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,781
I was being sarcastic!

215
00:09:38,781 --> 00:09:41,020
Or don't you get
sarcasm, genius?

216
00:09:41,020 --> 00:09:42,818
Oh, I think I get sarcasm.

217
00:09:42,818 --> 00:09:44,416
And I'm hardly a genius,
but still, thank you.

218
00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:45,655
That's awfully sweet.

219
00:09:45,655 --> 00:09:48,211
You know what?
You two have fun at the dance!

220
00:09:48,211 --> 00:09:49,651
You want to stay
at my place tonight?

221
00:09:49,651 --> 00:09:50,809
Thanks, Quacky.

222
00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:52,488
I'll never forgive you
for this!

223
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:54,566
Francine, wait.

224
00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:58,242
You are, without a doubt,
the cruelest,

225
00:09:58,242 --> 00:10:01,958
most disgusting excuse for a
human being I have ever met!

226
00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:05,116
Look, Quacky, you and me?
Not gonna happen, okay?

227
00:10:05,116 --> 00:10:06,673
I'm like candy to these people.

228
00:10:08,672 --> 00:10:11,029
One thing delivering pizzas
has taught me

229
00:10:11,029 --> 00:10:14,146
is that easy street
isn't always the best route.

230
00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:15,385
So true.

231
00:10:15,385 --> 00:10:17,383
Okay, Steve, when people
start a sentence with,

232
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,461
"What delivering pizzas
has taught me,"

233
00:10:19,461 --> 00:10:21,698
that's the go-ahead
to tune out.

234
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:25,534
Steve, why don't you
come with me on this one?

235
00:10:28,371 --> 00:10:30,730
Hey, Donnie Patterson
lives here!

236
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,887
He's the bully
that beats me up!

237
00:10:32,887 --> 00:10:36,283
So, dipwad's delivering pizzas now.

238
00:10:36,283 --> 00:10:37,642
Mitch!

239
00:10:37,642 --> 00:10:39,840
That pizza's not
for you, dipwad!

240
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,879
Sorry, sir.

241
00:10:40,879 --> 00:10:43,756
Now, get in here
and unclog my shunt!

242
00:10:44,675 --> 00:10:46,473
Now I understand.

243
00:10:46,473 --> 00:10:47,792
You give me the wedgies

244
00:10:47,792 --> 00:10:49,671
you wish you could
give your father.

245
00:10:51,869 --> 00:10:56,143
You know, I'm gonna kick your
ass on Monday for seeing me cry.

246
00:10:56,143 --> 00:10:57,583
And I'm going to let you.

247
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:03,256
So, wait. Luke would be
on drums?

248
00:11:03,256 --> 00:11:04,576
Nein, nein, nein, nein.

249
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,254
Luke would be on lead guitar,

250
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:07,373
Chewie on drums,

251
00:11:07,373 --> 00:11:09,211
and Darth Vader on bass.

252
00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:12,647
That would be the
greatest concert of all time.

253
00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:14,565
Ja, ja, ja, ja.

254
00:11:14,565 --> 00:11:16,244
Wait. What would Yoda play?

255
00:11:17,402 --> 00:11:21,917
Oh! I forgot about Yoda!

256
00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:26,314
Oh, Quacky, I'm fine.

257
00:11:26,314 --> 00:11:28,671
Listen, do you have
any more Kleenex?

258
00:11:28,671 --> 00:11:30,989
By the bed? Okay.

259
00:11:30,989 --> 00:11:33,706
No, no. I won't look
in the third drawer.

260
00:11:36,543 --> 00:11:38,541
Stan?

261
00:11:38,541 --> 00:11:42,418
♪ In those
eyes there lies the peace ♪

262
00:11:42,418 --> 00:11:44,775
♪ Those eyes I am your niece ♪

263
00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:45,934
That sounds awful.

264
00:11:45,934 --> 00:11:47,852
That's because I'm not
Peter Gabriel!

265
00:11:47,852 --> 00:11:49,091
I'm Gabriel Byrne!

266
00:11:49,091 --> 00:11:50,450
Oh.

267
00:11:50,450 --> 00:11:51,728
Honey, forgive me.

268
00:11:51,728 --> 00:11:53,926
I was wrong. We don't need
to go to the dance.

269
00:11:53,926 --> 00:11:56,523
The only reunion
that's important is ours.

270
00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:58,722
Go to dinner with me,
just the two of us.

271
00:11:58,722 --> 00:12:01,238
Oh, Stan! I'll be right down.

272
00:12:03,517 --> 00:12:05,275
Oh, good Lord!

273
00:12:09,150 --> 00:12:10,829
Hey, Bill. It's Stan.

274
00:12:10,829 --> 00:12:12,268
Is mama bird in her nest?

275
00:12:12,268 --> 00:12:14,266
Roger that. You are cleared
for takeoff.

276
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:17,463
Good work. You're the best
CIA double ever.

277
00:12:17,463 --> 00:12:19,421
Just keep Francine
away from that dance.

278
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,938
Hi, Stan. Ah!

279
00:12:24,057 --> 00:12:26,095
Let's hit that dance, HQ.

280
00:12:33,965 --> 00:12:35,405
Are you ready to order?

281
00:12:35,405 --> 00:12:37,962
-Yes. I'll have...
-Please, please, allow me.

282
00:12:37,962 --> 00:12:40,919
The lady will start with the
nicoise salad, her favorite,

283
00:12:40,919 --> 00:12:42,917
which she discovered
her junior year abroad.

284
00:12:42,917 --> 00:12:44,835
I can't believe
you remember that!

285
00:12:44,835 --> 00:12:47,033
For her entree, she'll have
the pumpkin ravioli,

286
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:50,230
the same dish she ordered
on their... our-our fourth date,

287
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:53,146
which took place
October 17, 1987.

288
00:12:53,146 --> 00:12:55,705
Wow! Stan, I'm impressed.

289
00:12:55,705 --> 00:12:57,262
Unfortunately,
she didn't realize

290
00:12:57,262 --> 00:12:58,941
that her tampon
had been in for two days,

291
00:12:58,941 --> 00:13:01,339
which led to a mild case
of toxic shock.

292
00:13:01,339 --> 00:13:04,496
At 22:43, she was rushed to
the hospital by her roommate,

293
00:13:04,496 --> 00:13:07,692
and on one brave Saturday night,
sexual partner, Jeanie Stone, who...

294
00:13:07,692 --> 00:13:10,210
Okay. See you at dessert.

295
00:13:10,210 --> 00:13:12,129
Have the violinist
play "Little Red Corvette."

296
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:14,486
You requested my favorite song?

297
00:13:14,486 --> 00:13:16,043
All right. Who are you?

298
00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:17,802
And what have you done
with my husband?

299
00:13:18,842 --> 00:13:21,798
Oh! A joke!

300
00:13:26,394 --> 00:13:28,791
That's a great story
about being old and alone.

301
00:13:28,791 --> 00:13:31,189
It's like you've been walking
around dead for 20 years,

302
00:13:31,189 --> 00:13:32,907
and no one's had the decency
to cremate you

303
00:13:32,907 --> 00:13:35,544
and sprinkle your ashes over
Old Maid Mountain.

304
00:13:35,544 --> 00:13:37,142
Wow! That's quite a line.

305
00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:39,141
It's actually more of
an assessment of your life.

306
00:13:39,141 --> 00:13:40,740
I mean, the line to get in.

307
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:42,896
What you just said was
emotionally devastating.

308
00:13:42,896 --> 00:13:46,414
I guess it was.
I guess it was.

309
00:13:46,414 --> 00:13:47,613
But now you're the queen,

310
00:13:47,613 --> 00:13:49,610
and we've got a spotlight
to dance under!

311
00:13:51,249 --> 00:13:52,687
Thank you for holding
our place.

312
00:13:52,687 --> 00:13:54,645
-Hey!
-I'm with the homecoming queen,

313
00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:56,084
and you know what that means.

314
00:13:56,084 --> 00:13:58,202
I know what it meant
20 years ago.

315
00:13:58,202 --> 00:14:00,399
But if that stuff is still
important to you,

316
00:14:00,399 --> 00:14:02,558
it just means
you're a real zero.

317
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:06,674
-What a douche bag!
-Get a life, loser!

318
00:14:06,674 --> 00:14:08,071
Hey, I have a life!

319
00:14:08,071 --> 00:14:10,549
I have an important job,
a house with a giant flagpole,

320
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:12,028
a great kid, another kid,

321
00:14:12,028 --> 00:14:14,346
and a beautiful wife who loves
me and thinks I'm a winner!

322
00:14:14,346 --> 00:14:16,064
I have a great life!

323
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,343
Oh, my God!

324
00:14:17,343 --> 00:14:19,022
I have a great life.

325
00:14:19,022 --> 00:14:21,139
So what the hell am I doing
with this train wreck?

326
00:14:21,139 --> 00:14:22,978
Well, it's been fun.
Do me a solid.

327
00:14:22,978 --> 00:14:24,496
Keep me out
of the suicide note, huh?

328
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:26,014
Thanks.

329
00:14:26,014 --> 00:14:27,373
Hey, you know what?

330
00:14:27,373 --> 00:14:30,289
I feel like dancing.
Let's go to that reunion.

331
00:14:30,289 --> 00:14:32,047
No! I, I mean,

332
00:14:32,047 --> 00:14:34,046
I want you all to myself.

333
00:14:34,046 --> 00:14:37,962
Oh! Well, then let's
go back to Quacky's.

334
00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,000
I feel like getting freaky.

335
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,998
Third-drawer freaky!

336
00:14:41,998 --> 00:14:44,916
Okay. Let's go to the dance.
Yeah, dancing's good.

337
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:50,470
Great. Another delivery,
another life lesson.

338
00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:51,469
Let's go, Mitch!

339
00:14:51,469 --> 00:14:53,067
No, Steve. You stay.

340
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:55,105
I'd like Roger to join me
on this one.

341
00:14:55,105 --> 00:14:56,823
What? No!

342
00:14:56,823 --> 00:14:58,102
I, I'm your disciple.

343
00:14:58,102 --> 00:15:00,300
You chose me.
He doesn't even like you.

344
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,578
I really don't.

345
00:15:01,578 --> 00:15:03,536
On your last delivery,
I put a tack on your seat.

346
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,135
But apparently,
it just split the cheeks.

347
00:15:05,135 --> 00:15:06,214
Very disappointing.

348
00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:10,729
Oh, this is gonna
be life changing.

349
00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:14,405
That was totally life changing!

350
00:15:14,405 --> 00:15:16,364
You're finally starting
to get it, Roger.

351
00:15:18,682 --> 00:15:20,999
Hey, where's Steve?
And the pizzas?

352
00:15:20,999 --> 00:15:23,077
He has forsaken me.

353
00:15:24,316 --> 00:15:27,153
I was supposed to be
his messenger, not Roger!

354
00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:29,830
How could he abandon me
after delivering such wisdom?

355
00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:34,545
In 30 minutes or less!

356
00:15:38,582 --> 00:15:42,098
Hi there. I'm dining with a beautiful
woman somewhere in this restaurant.

357
00:15:42,098 --> 00:15:44,176
Could you ask me
to discreetly excuse myself

358
00:15:44,176 --> 00:15:45,495
so I can have a word with me?

359
00:15:45,495 --> 00:15:46,933
I do not understand.

360
00:15:46,933 --> 00:15:48,811
You left 15 minutes ago
with your wife.

361
00:15:48,811 --> 00:15:50,649
-Oh, crap! Where'd I go?
-The dance.

362
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,008
The dance?
But Betty Sue is there!

363
00:15:53,008 --> 00:15:54,605
What if she sees
Francine with me

364
00:15:54,605 --> 00:15:55,885
and tells her
I was just there with her?

365
00:15:55,885 --> 00:15:57,602
You want a tip?

366
00:15:57,602 --> 00:15:59,401
Don't wear so much cologne. Ha!

367
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:03,757
Send them back.

368
00:16:03,757 --> 00:16:05,634
Send them all back.

369
00:16:10,430 --> 00:16:13,387
They say if you
play it backwards,

370
00:16:13,387 --> 00:16:15,904
you can hear the voice
of a dead kid.

371
00:16:15,904 --> 00:16:17,183
Whoa!

372
00:16:17,183 --> 00:16:19,820
Wait, how do you play
Monopoly backwards?

373
00:16:21,619 --> 00:16:23,056
Oh, mein Gott! Oh, mein Gott!

374
00:16:23,056 --> 00:16:25,135
Klaus, cool it!
You're freaking out!

375
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:27,373
It's the cops! Quick,
flush me down the toilet!

376
00:16:28,212 --> 00:16:29,730
Hayley, let me in!

377
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:32,647
I was led astray by a false
prophet and I forgot my keys!

378
00:16:36,643 --> 00:16:38,521
Do you know what you've done?

379
00:16:38,521 --> 00:16:39,800
You got Mitch fired!

380
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,759
Why, Steve? Why?

381
00:16:41,759 --> 00:16:43,876
Because he chose you over me.

382
00:16:43,876 --> 00:16:46,714
Steve, the truth I offer
isn't personal-pan-sized.

383
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:50,470
I bring extra-large wisdom
to your door, properly sliced,

384
00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:52,507
that's enough for all mankind.

385
00:16:52,507 --> 00:16:55,105
You didn't fail me.

386
00:16:55,864 --> 00:16:57,503
I failed you.

387
00:16:57,503 --> 00:16:59,540
And I was canned for your sins.

388
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:00,659
But I forgive you.

389
00:17:01,738 --> 00:17:03,417
Wait, Mitch! Don't go!

390
00:17:03,417 --> 00:17:05,254
I need another slice of truth!

391
00:17:06,773 --> 00:17:08,172
Oh, my God!

392
00:17:08,172 --> 00:17:09,291
He's gone.

393
00:17:09,291 --> 00:17:10,889
Yes, he is, Roger.

394
00:17:10,889 --> 00:17:13,326
But I have a feeling
he'll be back in three days.

395
00:17:13,326 --> 00:17:15,764
Ah, your faith is so inspiring.

396
00:17:15,764 --> 00:17:18,562
No. I mean, he's got to move
his car for street-sweeping.

397
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:25,195
Why do you keep looking around?

398
00:17:25,195 --> 00:17:26,913
I'm not! How 'bout some punch?

399
00:17:29,830 --> 00:17:32,267
-Stan!
-Huh! Where?

400
00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:33,906
Get out here, you jerk!

401
00:17:33,906 --> 00:17:36,223
You abandoned me
at my own reunion!

402
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,623
Abandoned you?

403
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,181
Oh, thank God! He's not here.

404
00:17:39,181 --> 00:17:42,896
I've never been
treated so bad my whole life!

405
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,296
You're filth!

406
00:17:44,296 --> 00:17:47,732
You're a horrible, terrible,
horrible person!

407
00:17:47,732 --> 00:17:50,131
You know, you're
a very attractive man.

408
00:17:50,131 --> 00:17:51,568
-Excuse me?
-You heard me.

409
00:17:51,568 --> 00:17:54,165
You're a son of a bitch,
and now I'm gonna kiss you!

410
00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,162
Stan, what are you doing?

411
00:17:58,162 --> 00:18:00,360
Uh, Francine, I can explain.

412
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,439
Francine!

413
00:18:01,439 --> 00:18:02,957
Stan! Stan?

414
00:18:07,393 --> 00:18:09,670
There's four of you? That's it.

415
00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:12,028
I've had too much punch.
I'm driving home.

416
00:18:12,028 --> 00:18:13,826
-Okay, bye.
-See ya.

417
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,144
No one's gonna stop me?

418
00:18:16,144 --> 00:18:18,902
Well, go to hell!
I hate you all!

419
00:18:18,902 --> 00:18:20,820
It's been fun seeing everybody.

420
00:18:22,257 --> 00:18:24,415
What the hell is going on here?

421
00:18:24,415 --> 00:18:25,814
This is, uh...

422
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:28,092
This is Bill, my CIA double.

423
00:18:28,092 --> 00:18:29,810
-You have a double?
-Yeah.

424
00:18:29,810 --> 00:18:33,047
Sometimes we need decoys
for dangerous missions.

425
00:18:33,047 --> 00:18:34,765
Or your parents' anniversary

426
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,124
or Steve's baptism.

427
00:18:36,124 --> 00:18:39,240
You let me throw myself
at a complete stranger?

428
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,639
Not a complete stranger.

429
00:18:40,639 --> 00:18:42,438
We took that
cooking class together.

430
00:18:44,315 --> 00:18:46,034
Look, I only did this

431
00:18:46,034 --> 00:18:48,032
'cause I wanted to go to the
dance with the homecoming queen,

432
00:18:48,032 --> 00:18:50,709
and I didn't want you
to be mad.

433
00:18:50,709 --> 00:18:52,827
That is so thoughtful.

434
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:53,906
Come here.

435
00:18:55,664 --> 00:18:58,782
Now say good-bye
to your kneecaps, Stan!

436
00:18:58,782 --> 00:19:00,739
Honey, I know you're upset,

437
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:02,977
but I also know you'd never
shoot an innocent man!

438
00:19:05,775 --> 00:19:07,813
Damn it! Which one of you
is Stan?

439
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,291
-He is!
-Fine with me.

440
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:10,410
I'll just shoot you both.

441
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,967
Okay, okay. This has
gone on long enough.

442
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:15,884
Francine,
I've been a fool.

443
00:19:15,884 --> 00:19:17,682
All this time I thought
I was special

444
00:19:17,682 --> 00:19:19,281
because I married
the homecoming queen.

445
00:19:19,281 --> 00:19:23,197
But turns out I was special
because I married you,

446
00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:25,394
not because of some
stupid crown.

447
00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:27,073
I'm so sorry, honey.

448
00:19:27,073 --> 00:19:28,831
I love you so much.

449
00:19:29,830 --> 00:19:31,109
Nice try, Bill.

450
00:19:31,109 --> 00:19:33,267
Stan would never say
anything that sweet.

451
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:36,104
Ow! What the hell, you crazy bitch?

452
00:19:36,104 --> 00:19:38,022
Hey, Bill. Come on.
That's my wife, man.

453
00:19:39,461 --> 00:19:42,897
Stan, did you really mean
what you said back there?

454
00:19:42,897 --> 00:19:44,775
You'd better believe it, kiddo!

455
00:19:44,775 --> 00:19:47,372
This is a magical night!

456
00:19:47,372 --> 00:19:48,772
Mwah!

457
00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:51,129
I don't think
we can save the leg!

458
00:19:51,129 --> 00:19:53,086
Oh, no! Oh, God!

459
00:19:54,406 --> 00:19:56,444
♪ I was standing ♪

460
00:19:58,001 --> 00:20:00,319
♪ You were there ♪

461
00:20:00,319 --> 00:20:02,118
Can I have this
spotlight dance?

462
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:02,997
What?

463
00:20:02,997 --> 00:20:04,875
I tipped the pilot to hover!

464
00:20:04,875 --> 00:20:06,434
I can't hear what you're...

465
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:08,152
Dance with me, my queen!

466
00:20:18,181 --> 00:20:19,980
♪ We could live ♪

467
00:20:21,818 --> 00:20:24,536
♪ For a thousand years ♪