♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ That's the look That's the look ♪
♪ The look of love ♪
♪ That's the look That's the look ♪
♪ The look of love... ♪
Shauna, looking rad tonight. Wanna dance?
-Like, gag me. -Grody.
Sheesh! Uptown girls.
Oh, come on, guys! No wet willies!
I just Clearasilled my ears.
Smith, relax. You look choice.
So choice that Stacy Stanton wants to dance with you.
The homecoming queen? I am so sure.
Hey, I was, like, "No way" too.
But she's saving the spotlight dance for you.
The spotlight dance?
It's all set, right?
It's gonna be just like in Carrie.
Pigs? It was supposed to be pigs' blood!
I didn't finish the book.
You stopped reading after the word "pigs"?
That wasn't even the end of the sentence.
You think you're so cool!
Well, in 20 years, I'm gonna come back here with my own homecoming queen,
and we'll have our spotlight dance!
And I'll show you! I'll show you!
And you! And you! And you! And you! And you!
-Stan, wake up! -Huh?
Oh, sorry. Must've zoned out.
You just shot Jackson eight times!
Oh, my God, Jackson!
Hang on, buddy! You're gonna make it!
Hey, Stan, have you seen my double?
Ah, Jackson, thank God! Yeah, I just shot him.
Ah, man!
We were supposed to go on a dangerous mission to Pakistan!
Hey, a human being just died here.
Show some respect.
Now, who had Jackson's double in the death pool?
Uh, I had Markie Post.
Wait. Is Markie Post dead?
Somebody google Markie Post.
-Are we there yet? -No.
-Are we there yet? -Stan, you're driving.
I'm just so damn excited about this high school reunion, Francine.
Why? It's my reunion.
Well, we missed mine, remember?
It was already midnight before I realized we were at an insurance convention.
Buck Wilson.
Now, there was a risk-management expert.
But, honey, I don't get it.
No one's gonna know you at my reunion.
They don't have to know me.
All they have to know is that I'm the guy dancing
with the homecoming queen under the spotlight.
And no pig showers.
Boy, whoever adopted this part of the highway
is really keeping it clean.
Thanks, "Ku Klux Klan."
You know, before we fire off your dad's mortar,
maybe we should read the instruction manual.
If a five-year-old Palestinian can figure it out, so can I.
Water in the hole!
Hey, if we got your dad's missile launcher,
I bet we can hit the house of the bully who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye.
Oh, I wish I could get that guy back.
I'd like to dress up like a girl
and make him have sex with me,
then say, "Ha! I'm not a girl!"
"You just had sex with a boy who hates you!"
Yeah, let's keep that plan between you, me
and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
Ooh, ooh, target, 12 o'clock.
What's your deal, bozo?
We're humiliating you.
I have no deal, friend,
because I know you soak not me,
but rather all those who've ever hurt you.
That's so... true.
We can at least take solace in the fact
that there was nothing we could have done to prevent that.
Oh, my God, Francine!
You look exactly the same!
So do you, uh... Uh...
That's okay, Francine. You don't have to remember her name.
You were the homecoming queen.
Don't! Stan, I'll look silly.
If by "silly," you mean beautiful,
then yes, you do look silly.
Hell, you look downright retarded!
Stan.
Francine!
Quacky!
Stan, this was my best friend in the whole world, Quacky.
Then how come you've never mentioned him once?
What? I mention him all the time.
I even did that one-woman show called Mentioning Quacky.
Oh, yeah. I meant to go to that.
So who else is here?
Um, there's Kenneth McTier, crack addict.
Brian Miller, child molester.
And Doug Ackerman, bald.
Oh, my God! Is that Betty Sue?
Yup. Hard to believe you almost lost homecoming queen to her.
That's right. I only won by one vote.
How could it be so close?
She's so fat that...
She's so fat that, uh...
Come on! You got to have one of these.
Hmm. She's so fat that
Rabelais documented her adventures with Pantagruel?
Oh, damn! Oh, yes, he did!
Apparently, Betty Sue was so devastated by losing homecoming queen,
she walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and never came out.
And speaking of coming out, ta-da!
So that's why you're so pale.
This is the first time you've come out of your house.
Welcome. This is a necktie, and that's a table.
No. I'm gay.
What?
My gaydar is totally off.
Damn! SkyMall screwed me again!
Well, Quacky, I think it's fantastic!
Stan, why don't you get us some drinks to celebrate?
Okay. But when I go, he has to promise not to stare at my ass
or become a school teacher!
I'm a bartender...
Uh-uh! Conversation's up here, sailor.
Sorry my, um,
war veteran uncle here blew up your car.
No matter.
A car is merely a means of transporting pizzas.
Thankfully, the pizzas survived,
for they contain the dough of life.
Uh, I'm sorry. I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine?
What the hell?
I mean, what year is it? Who's president?
Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route,
won't you lose your job?
Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination,
a trust is broken forever.
Yeah. Look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.
Hey, you can use my mom's car to deliver the pizzas!
Hey, your folks left Hayley in charge.
No way she's gonna let you loan your mom's car to this psycho.
I'm pretty sure her mind is elsewhere.
-What? -What?
Has anyone seen the scuba diver that floats in mein tank?
It's been two days, and I'm starting to get worried.
Brownies!
Oh, Klaus, no. Don't eat that.
Why?
Gather round, everyone.
The reunion committee has dug up the class time capsule.
Jimmy Gillespie's parachute pants.
Oh, and look at here.
The ballot box from the homecoming election.
Hi. Stan Smith, married to the homecoming queen.
Look for me tonight in the spotlight dance.
This box is school property!
"This box is school property!"
Oh, my gosh! What's this?
Two uncounted ballots, both for Betty Sue.
Well, that means Betty Sue won.
How do you like that?
I never was the homecoming queen.
I'm gonna freshen up before the picnic.
Why don't you help yourself to the strawberries I ordered?
Oink, oink, Stan.
Guess you didn't marry the homecoming queen.
Guess you still are the loser you were in high school.
You proved nothing to nobody.
P.S. I charged a movie to your room.
Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!
I cannot wait for the big dance tonight.
I feel like I'm 18 again.
Get off of that! That's a queen-size bed.
There are no queens here.
Hello, Housekeeping?
Can you bring us a runner-up-size bed?
Stan, what's the matter?
What's the matter?
You're not the homecoming queen.
I'm not gonna be the cool guy dancing in the spotlight!
I'm just gonna be the dork by the punch bowl
slumming with the Duchess of Second Place.
You know what, Stan? If it's so darn...
No. "Damn"!
That's right. I went there.
If it's so darn important for you to dance
with the homecoming queen,
why don't you just go with Betty Sue?
I mean, you're acting like a...
Stan?
Someone order a runner-up bed?
I came out of the bathroom, and he was just gone.
Hey, I bet he went to pick up some flowers
to apologize for the fight.
Excuse me. Coming through.
There he is... with flowers.
Make way for the queen.
Oh, hello, Francine.
You know my date, the homecoming queen.
HQ, that's what I call her, HQ.
HQ, you know my wife, Francine.
I hope this isn't awkward.
Awkward? Don't be silly. It was Francine's idea.
I was being sarcastic!
Or don't you get sarcasm, genius?
Oh, I think I get sarcasm.
And I'm hardly a genius, but still, thank you.
That's awfully sweet.
You know what? You two have fun at the dance!
You want to stay at my place tonight?
Thanks, Quacky.
I'll never forgive you for this!
Francine, wait.
You are, without a doubt, the cruelest,
most disgusting excuse for a human being I have ever met!
Look, Quacky, you and me? Not gonna happen, okay?
I'm like candy to these people.
One thing delivering pizzas has taught me
is that easy street isn't always the best route.
So true.
Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with,
"What delivering pizzas has taught me,"
that's the go-ahead to tune out.
Steve, why don't you come with me on this one?
Hey, Donnie Patterson lives here!
He's the bully that beats me up!
So, dipwad's delivering pizzas now.
Mitch!
That pizza's not for you, dipwad!
Sorry, sir.
Now, get in here and unclog my shunt!
Now I understand.
You give me the wedgies
you wish you could give your father.
You know, I'm gonna kick your ass on Monday for seeing me cry.
And I'm going to let you.
So, wait. Luke would be on drums?
Nein, nein, nein, nein.
Luke would be on lead guitar,
Chewie on drums,
and Darth Vader on bass.
That would be the greatest concert of all time.
Ja, ja, ja, ja.
Wait. What would Yoda play?
Oh! I forgot about Yoda!
Oh, Quacky, I'm fine.
Listen, do you have any more Kleenex?
By the bed? Okay.
No, no. I won't look in the third drawer.
Stan?
♪ In those eyes there lies the peace ♪
♪ Those eyes I am your niece ♪
That sounds awful.
That's because I'm not Peter Gabriel!
I'm Gabriel Byrne!
Oh.
Honey, forgive me.
I was wrong. We don't need to go to the dance.
The only reunion that's important is ours.
Go to dinner with me, just the two of us.
Oh, Stan! I'll be right down.
Oh, good Lord!
Hey, Bill. It's Stan.
Is mama bird in her nest?
Roger that. You are cleared for takeoff.
Good work. You're the best CIA double ever.
Just keep Francine away from that dance.
Hi, Stan. Ah!
Let's hit that dance, HQ.
Are you ready to order?
-Yes. I'll have... -Please, please, allow me.
The lady will start with the nicoise salad, her favorite,
which she discovered her junior year abroad.
I can't believe you remember that!
For her entree, she'll have the pumpkin ravioli,
the same dish she ordered on their... our-our fourth date,
which took place October 17, 1987.
Wow! Stan, I'm impressed.
Unfortunately, she didn't realize
that her tampon had been in for two days,
which led to a mild case of toxic shock.
At 22:43, she was rushed to the hospital by her roommate,
and on one brave Saturday night, sexual partner, Jeanie Stone, who...
Okay. See you at dessert.
Have the violinist play "Little Red Corvette."
You requested my favorite song?
All right. Who are you?
And what have you done with my husband?
Oh! A joke!
That's a great story about being old and alone.
It's like you've been walking around dead for 20 years,
and no one's had the decency to cremate you
and sprinkle your ashes over Old Maid Mountain.
Wow! That's quite a line.
It's actually more of an assessment of your life.
I mean, the line to get in.
What you just said was emotionally devastating.
I guess it was. I guess it was.
But now you're the queen,
and we've got a spotlight to dance under!
Thank you for holding our place.
-Hey! -I'm with the homecoming queen,
and you know what that means.
I know what it meant 20 years ago.
But if that stuff is still important to you,
it just means you're a real zero.
-What a douche bag! -Get a life, loser!
Hey, I have a life!
I have an important job, a house with a giant flagpole,
a great kid, another kid,
and a beautiful wife who loves me and thinks I'm a winner!
I have a great life!
Oh, my God!
I have a great life.
So what the hell am I doing with this train wreck?
Well, it's been fun. Do me a solid.
Keep me out of the suicide note, huh?
Thanks.
Hey, you know what?
I feel like dancing. Let's go to that reunion.
No! I, I mean,
I want you all to myself.
Oh! Well, then let's go back to Quacky's.
I feel like getting freaky.
Third-drawer freaky!
Okay. Let's go to the dance. Yeah, dancing's good.
Great. Another delivery, another life lesson.
Let's go, Mitch!
No, Steve. You stay.
I'd like Roger to join me on this one.
What? No!
I, I'm your disciple.
You chose me. He doesn't even like you.
I really don't.
On your last delivery, I put a tack on your seat.
But apparently, it just split the cheeks.
Very disappointing.
Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
That was totally life changing!
You're finally starting to get it, Roger.
Hey, where's Steve? And the pizzas?
He has forsaken me.
I was supposed to be his messenger, not Roger!
How could he abandon me after delivering such wisdom?
In 30 minutes or less!
Hi there. I'm dining with a beautiful woman somewhere in this restaurant.
Could you ask me to discreetly excuse myself
so I can have a word with me?
I do not understand.
You left 15 minutes ago with your wife.
-Oh, crap! Where'd I go? -The dance.
The dance? But Betty Sue is there!
What if she sees Francine with me
and tells her I was just there with her?
You want a tip?
Don't wear so much cologne. Ha!
Send them back.
Send them all back.
They say if you play it backwards,
you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Whoa!
Wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
Oh, mein Gott! Oh, mein Gott!
Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!
Hayley, let me in!
I was led astray by a false prophet and I forgot my keys!
Do you know what you've done?
You got Mitch fired!
Why, Steve? Why?
Because he chose you over me.
Steve, the truth I offer isn't personal-pan-sized.
I bring extra-large wisdom to your door, properly sliced,
that's enough for all mankind.
You didn't fail me.
I failed you.
And I was canned for your sins.
But I forgive you.
Wait, Mitch! Don't go!
I need another slice of truth!
Oh, my God!
He's gone.
Yes, he is, Roger.
But I have a feeling he'll be back in three days.
Ah, your faith is so inspiring.
No. I mean, he's got to move his car for street-sweeping.
Why do you keep looking around?
I'm not! How 'bout some punch?
-Stan! -Huh! Where?
Get out here, you jerk!
You abandoned me at my own reunion!
Abandoned you?
Oh, thank God! He's not here.
I've never been treated so bad my whole life!
You're filth!
You're a horrible, terrible, horrible person!
You know, you're a very attractive man.
-Excuse me? -You heard me.
You're a son of a bitch, and now I'm gonna kiss you!
Stan, what are you doing?
Uh, Francine, I can explain.
Francine!
Stan! Stan?
There's four of you? That's it.
I've had too much punch. I'm driving home.
-Okay, bye. -See ya.
No one's gonna stop me?
Well, go to hell! I hate you all!
It's been fun seeing everybody.
What the hell is going on here?
This is, uh...
This is Bill, my CIA double.
-You have a double? -Yeah.
Sometimes we need decoys for dangerous missions.
Or your parents' anniversary
or Steve's baptism.
You let me throw myself at a complete stranger?
Not a complete stranger.
We took that cooking class together.
Look, I only did this
'cause I wanted to go to the dance with the homecoming queen,
and I didn't want you to be mad.
That is so thoughtful.
Come here.
Now say good-bye to your kneecaps, Stan!
Honey, I know you're upset,
but I also know you'd never shoot an innocent man!
Damn it! Which one of you is Stan?
-He is! -Fine with me.
I'll just shoot you both.
Okay, okay. This has gone on long enough.
Francine, I've been a fool.
All this time I thought I was special
because I married the homecoming queen.
But turns out I was special because I married you,
not because of some stupid crown.
I'm so sorry, honey.
I love you so much.
Nice try, Bill.
Stan would never say anything that sweet.
Ow! What the hell, you crazy bitch?
Hey, Bill. Come on. That's my wife, man.
Stan, did you really mean what you said back there?
You'd better believe it, kiddo!
This is a magical night!
Mwah!
I don't think we can save the leg!
Oh, no! Oh, God!
♪ I was standing ♪
♪ You were there ♪
Can I have this spotlight dance?
What?
I tipped the pilot to hover!
I can't hear what you're...
Dance with me, my queen!
♪ We could live ♪
♪ For a thousand years ♪