♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling that It's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Our next film is by Hayley Smith.
Thank you. This film was inspired by my mother.
Okay, sit down. Don't milk it, Tracey Ullman.
History has been studded with great women,
women who have had a profound effect on the world.
Then there's my mother.
Why waste money?
A simple blanket stitch makes old socks new again.
Mom can't tell you who her congressman is,
but she does know this.
Never throw away old shower caps.
Use them to cover casseroles.
How humiliating!
Hayley made me look like
a total idiot.
Honey, you're not
I mean, you got the point of the film, right? What the...
A raging teenage house party in our neighborhood?
Steve, I can't believe you're here!
The Schwartztein's house is going off!
It's like a damn Ludacris video. Pimp cups, shorties.
It's all crunked out.
We're quantifying the molecular--
Steve, if you're ever gonna crawl out of this geek swamp,
you gotta log some face time with the cool kids.
Now get going!
I'd, uh, ditch fatty and dim sum on the way there.
They're gonna blow the ratio.
Her film made me look like a boring housewife
who's only good at cleaning!
Oh, that is an outrage!
Thank you, Roger.
You're a terrible cleaner!
Look at this place! It's filthy!
Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for schmutz.
My film was the biggest hit
in Groff Community College history.
I got a check-plus-plus.
That's like a "C" at Arizona State.
Hayley, did you ever consider that your film
might make my life look... Well, worthless?
Come on, Mom.
Women are doing bold, exciting things.
-And you're-- -What?
The HMS Cucumber declares war on poor nutrition.
Admiral Egg spots hunger off the starboard bow.
He's launching baby corn torpedoes!
Open.
Oh! Oh! Ew!
Ew! Look at this.
Eight years of dead bugs. You disgust me!
Now hold the ladder. I wanna come down.
What do you think Steve's doing at the party?
Probably chillin', drinking a Mickey.
He's eating Ruffles,
debating whether or not
to hook up with that black chick.
Do it, Steve. Do it for both of us.
Did you go to a lot of parties when you were in high school?
What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, a lot of parties.
Delivery for the popular party.
Is that you, Smith? I told you, no losers.
I'm in the party! I'm in the party!
Stop him!
-Hey! -I'm so wasted!
Slut!
I don't know what to do!
Keep the baby. Life begins at conception. Whoo!
Yeah, I was pretty popular.
Hey! How was the party?
They gave me and Snot swirlies, threw Toshi in the trash,
and used Barry's fat folds to open their beers.
I'm gonna make a necklace.
Mr. S, those parties aren't for guys like us.
They're for jocks.
Jocks, huh?
Come on, Coach!
I didn't pay you to not play my son!
Scared he's gonna be too good?
Thirty years of smoking, I'm still alive.
Smith, you're in!
You hear that? This is your chance!
Yea! This is my chance!
Sorry about my unusually thick tongue.
He forgot to stretch, that's all.
Just, uh, needs to walk it off.
Thirsty much?
Dude, did you just hear what Vince Chung said?
Yeah, he's so cool and popular, you forget he's Asian.
Hi. I got your exclusive
invitation under my windshield wiper.
My daughter doesn't respect me. So, I'm here to change my life.
Well, then welcome.
We take you the legally required 67 miles offshore,
where the international laws of the Internet apply
and certify you in the career of your choice.
Oh, surgeon sounds fun.
Excellent. Now, that comes with your choice of a specialty,
heart or brain, and a Dr. Bearington.
His specialty is hugs.
Oh, good. You're not touching yourself.
Son, I know a way we can make you a better athlete
and get you in with the cool kids.
Really? How?
Well, we could embark
on a strict three-year training program
where we'd spend lots of time together,
bonding as father and son.
Oh, I'd like that!
Yeah, me neither.
That's why you should take these steroids.
The CIA lab tech is on vacation
and I have spare keys to his office.
In case of a fire drill,
I'm floor monitor. It's complicated.
Anyway, I managed to get my hands on this top-of-the-line,
largely untested performance enhancer.
Dad, face it.
I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.
Don't say that! Don't ever say that!
Don't you see, Son?
Everything's better when you're popular.
Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger.
You know when you put
a piece of Juicy Fruit in your mouth
and for the first five seconds it tastes so sweet and perfect,
like someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue?
Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time!
Piece of Juicy...
Oh, my God. I, I have to sit down.
I never had it, Steve, but you can.
-I want it! -Then take it!
-I will! -Then grab it!
I shall!
Oh, I see today you're making tea.
Well, today I became a surgeon.
My diploma.
This is printed on the back of a Chinese takeout menu.
You've clearly been scammed, Mom.
Doctor!
I didn't go to school for 12 hours to be called "Mom"!
-Feet, please. -Thanks, Francine.
No, it's me, Roger.
I'm finally taking charge of this pigsty.
Now I'm going upstairs to clean behind the bookshelf.
Yes, Stan, there's a "behind the bookshelf."
I told you, Francine, it's too expensive.
Damn your experimental steroids!
It's okay, Son.
You're experiencing
a perfectly natural side effect called "'roid rage."
Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect all right!
I have boobs!
Oh, my God!
I know. Talk about a butter face.
Let's not panic.
The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days.
So until I get the antidote,
we have to keep
your magnificent ta-ta's under wraps.
What am I supposed to do now?
Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages.
It's what Hilary Swank used
to hide her breasts in Boys Don't Cry.
You know, that movie where she got what she deserved.
An Oscar...
And brutally sodomized.
Dad!
In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press.
Steve, is this really the time
for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!
Wow. Good thing I didn't wear my fake doctor's jacket.
That would have been awkward.
I'll have you know this is a real doctor's jacket.
I have an interview at a real hospital
where I'm gonna get hired and do real doctor stuff.
Stuff like... stethoscoping,
medicine type things, thermometer!
I taught myself the toilet.
Oh, my God. The heat is killing me.
I just need air for a second.
Uh, Steve, right?
Uh, yeah.
Killer jugs.
Oh, uh, thanks, Vince Chung.
No prob. Up top!
Whaa-aa-aa!
Oh, yeah!
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh.
Yeah, this degree is a complete joke.
No one will ever hire you.
But you just said, "Oh," like you were impressed.
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
We need help! Our friend is hurt!
Oh, the entrance is right over--
We don't have insurance! Please, Doctor, he could die!
"Doctor."
Steve, thank God! How'd it go at school?
Did anyone notice your man melons?
Uh, no. I kept them hidden, like you said.
Hey, pal. Ready to work on our science fair project?
Totally! I got a great idea for--
Hey, Steve, we're going to the river. Hop in.
That's Vince freaking Chung. What's he want with you?
Oh, um, we...
We started talking in the hall today.
I guess those steroids must have increased my confidence.
That's fantastic. You have to go with them.
But we're behind on our project for the science fair.
How do I say this nicely? Loser! Loser! Loser!
-Dad! -I'm kidding.
Not kidding!
Have fun at the river, Juicy Fruit.
Just remember to keep those bad boys under wraps.
I will, Dad.
That is refreshing.
I'm glad you guys talked me into taking a dip.
Aren't you coming in?
Nah. It looks like the water's kinda cold.
But why don't you show us
how Flipper swims backwards again.
Oh, okay.
There. A simple blanket stitch
and the arm is as good as new.
That was amazing, Dr. Smith.
Let me introduce everyone. You know Blind Jimmy.
I'm Johnny Four Legs. These are the twins, Large Monty...
-Hey, how you doin'? -And Little Tex.
-Howdy! -And that's Deaf Teddy.
We call him "Wheels."
But it don't really matter what we call him, 'cause he's deaf.
Ain't that right, Melissa?
Nice to meet you.
Francine, we want you to come work for our organization
as our permanent physician.
Really? What organization is that?
The Handicapped Mafia.
-The what now? -The Handicapped Mafia.
I'm sorry. I don't know what that is.
We operate within the "handi" community
picking up the scraps
the regular Mafia don't got time for.
Forging handicap placards,
rigging the Special Olympics, the Paralympics, women's golf.
We's not all mobsters, you know.
I'm a country western singer.
Just cut my first demo.
It's called "I Gotta Be Me... and Some of Him."
So, Doc, what do you say?
I don't know. Handicapped Mafia.
It seems wrong.
I mean, the Mafia part, not the handicapped part.
I think it's great you're handicapped.
Negotiations broke down with the Braille Institute.
And they stabbed you?
No. My van crashed into a... cutlery truck.
You gotta help him, Doc!
And so we will.
Dr. Bearington will assist...
by being so snuggly!
Ooh, look at the furry, furry little guy like you!
Stem, stem, seeds, stem.
Damn it, Eddie! I slept with you.
Oh, my God!
You're covered in blood! What happened?
I can't tell you,
but I'm saving lives, because that's what I do.
I can't just refuse a patient
because I find them morally reprehensible.
Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor!
It's work.
Tell your father I'll be gone all night.
Man, these hours are brutal.
No wonder those doctors
on Scrubs don't have time to be funny.
I like Scrubs.
Wait, wait. Back up.
So you said "bonus," and then Vince Chung laughed?
Or Vince Chung laughed, and then you said "bonus"?
Dad, I think Mom might have gone over the edge.
She just left covered in blood,
saying she was gonna be working all night.
Working all night, huh?
Steve, this is the best party I've ever thrown.
I mean, you've ever thrown. We're finally popular.
What are you doing, you animals?
Feet on the couch! I just steam cleaned...
Salsa on the carpet! But I vacuumed!
Coasters!
Oh, hey, guys.
Well, what are you doing here?
We're supposed to work on our science fair project, remember?
We're running out of time!
Uh, I can't.
I'm, uh, sick.
Awesome party, dude.
To Steve's continuing good health.
Whoo! Best popular party of the year, huh?
Hey, has anyone seen Steve?
Hey, the party's moved upstairs.
Little migration action.
I love how that happens. Keeps it fresh.
Oh, my God!
My son's a slut!
I just made that bed!
Shame! Shame on you!
How can you just use him like that?
He's a person, not a girl!
What'd you do that for?
I'm finally popular, like we wanted!
You're not popular. You're easy!
Maybe my girls opened the door,
but I'm the one who walked through it.
They like me for me.
You are not leaving this house
until those milk monsters are gone!
Vince Chung invited me to his party tomorrow night
and you can't stop me!
Oh, yeah?
Just so you know, I had the shot!
Look at this.
First National Bank is collecting donations for orphans.
Oh! I'd love to steal that money
right out from under those damn greedy orphans!
Thank you.
Well, it was getting pretty awkward.
So I got your message.
What are you doing?
This gentleman here
didn't wanna sell us the short buses at cost.
I'm sorry. I, I can't do this.
I became a surgeon
so my daughter would respect me.
And now I don't even respect myself.
Sorry, toots.
You know too much about our organization.
Once you're in, there's no way out.
But... I took that lamp off your brace.
Ow! Let go of me!
Hayley, what are you doing here?
I was worried.
You were acting so crazy. So I followed you.
Good news, Steve!
I got the boob antidote from the CIA!
He's gone!
I bet he's going to
Vince Chung's inscrutable party.
I have to make him understand they're just using him.
I've got to go save my son!
I've got... to go save... my son.
Yeah, that one's it. I've got to go save my son.
Where are you taking us?
A place where we like to dump dead bodies.
♪ Spent the whole night Drinking ♪
Uh, what rhymes with "drinking"?
Thinking? Uh-huh. That's good. I gotta write that down.
Get ready, fellas. We're almost there.
Fine.
You can kill us.
I just thought you were better than this.
What are you babbling about?
I mean, wasting your time
on some small-town housewife and her daughter?
Taking the scraps the real Mafia leaves behind?
You better have a point, lady!
You aren't living up to your potential.
Neither was I, until I saw my daughter's movie.
So I made more of my life. And so can you!
Four Legs, you said you wanted
to steal that orphan money from First National.
-Why not do it? -Mom!
Are you kiddin'? That bank is a fortress.
Plus, it's not handi-accessible.
You can pull it off! What do you say?
To First National Bank!
You're not second-class citizens.
You deserve the same recognition and fame
as everyone else!
You can do anything you want!
You can demand respect!
You are handi-capable!
Yeah!
Don't die on me, damn it!
I got a gig at Hootenanny's in an hour.
That's that then.
So he attack-rolled a D-20.
Luckily, I had armor-class zero.
So I didn't lose any hit points.
Mmm. Armor-class zero.
-Uh-huh. -That's cool.
Hey, fellas. Killer party.
So you got a band? A couple of kegs?
Righteous. Righteous.
Dad, what are you doing?
I gave myself a triple dose of steroids
so you'd see I was telling the truth.
Boys this age are only interested in one thing.
Oops! Boobs fell in the punch.
No! No! You guys are my friends.
Steve, I think there's some more soda in the basement.
Why don't you go count it?
Don't worry, Son, they're not getting any.
Your old man's just a tease.
So that whole time you knew they were gonna fail?
Are you kidding?
That bank had to have at least a hundred steps.
Sorry I underestimated you, Mom.
Thanks, honey.
What the hell?
No problem. Got it under control.
Roger, what are you doing?
-Is that gasoline? -Mm-hmm.
Windex is just a Band-Aid. I realize that now.
There's only one way to win the war on dirt in this house.
You were right, Dad.
The guys only liked me for my body.
Hey, you're a smart boy with a lot more to offer
than just a nice pair of meat balloons.
I'm sorry I pushed you to be popular.
I just wanted you to have
a better time in high school than I did.
But I was already having a good time with my friends.
Yeah, I guess you were. Those loser dorks are okay.
Thanks, Dad.
Bread sticks, courtesy of table four.
Thanks, fellas. Thank you. Wave to the nice men, Steve.
Not too eager, Son. They just bought us bread.
They didn't let us take the Jag out for a spin.
♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪
♪ Oh, in the name of love ♪
♪ Pour some sugar on me ♪
♪ Come on Fire me up ♪
♪ Pour your sugar on me ♪
♪ I can't get enough ♪
Have a great night.