♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Here we are, Steve. The most important building in the world.
-You excited? -For my eight billionth installment
of "Look How Awesome My Dad Is"?
-How could I not be? -You couldn't.
I was just making conversation.
Hey, check this out. I'll kill you!
You totally flinched!
Lovely.
Look, I'm a skeleton!
No, no, I'm an obsessive Oingo Boingo fan circa 1985.
♪ It's a weird-science party ♪
♪ Who shall ask for more ♪
Hey, Donny, tell my son about the guy who tried
to sneak a lipstick camera past the XR-21.
I accidentally shot him.
Yeah, you did. It's called justice. And it was hilarious.
Look, who's here.
Steve, want me to teach you some dolphin chatter?
You've already taught me how to speak dolphin.
All they ever want to talk about is mackerel.
Nonsense! The dolphins are great.
-Can we go home now? -Go home?
We haven't even played Identity Theft yet.
Look at me! I'm the dolphin-tank cleaner!
You save three seconds by not putting your clothes on him!
Steve used to really look up to me.
But now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Wow. That's really, really boring.
I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here.
It's like my son's rejection is bringing up...
all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Oh. Okay, uh...
Not sure what to say here.
Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo Studies program.
What? They don't have one?
I'm sorry, Stan. I'd love to help you.
But the Eskimos? Their plight? That's the real stuff here.
You care about the Eskimos?
Yeah, yeah. I love their pies.
Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
Are you still moping about Steve?
Come on. He's just going through a phase.
It's like Steve is America
and you're Arrested Development.
It doesn't mean you're bad. It just means he's not interested in you.
I'm thinking about canceling our biweekly trip to the Franklin Mint.
Oh, let's not overreact. Just ask him.
I'll get it!
-Go on. -Steve, do you still want to go
to the Franklin Mint this weekend?
The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in.
"Where's the beef?"
Good question. Where was that beef?
-Nobody knew. -Oh, my God!
The Franklin Mint! Yeah, I'd rather die.
Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
Great. It's the fat one.
-That's a doormat, Barry. -Who's Matt Barry?
God, I hate you so much!
Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
If it's okay with his parents.
Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Good people. My kind of people.
Eh, time to take my vitamin.
May I have a glass of water?
Fatty can use the garden hose!
How could the dean give our Eskimo Studies money...
to the stupid Fraternity Council?
It's all political. I hate it.
Fraternities.
Bunch of lazy, immature guys getting drunk...
on every kind of liquor known to man.
I mean...
Hi, can you please help me? I'm not drunk.
Stan, why don't you tell one of your exciting Grenada stories
that everyone loves, including Steve.
Oh, nobody wants to hear any of my stupid stories.
-You were in Grenada? -Barry, don't encourage...
Why don't you pull up a couple of chairs?
October 30. We were pinned down by the enemy.
And I'd just learned Johnson was going to
the U.S.O. Halloween pageant as Ms. Pac-Man,
which meant I had less than 24 hours
to come up with a whole new costume.
Well, now I've done that. Steve?
Hey, aren't you supposed to be at the Mint with your father?
Isn't it great? I guess he finally figured out
I don't care about his stupid commemorative plates anymore.
They're here! The new plates are here!
We got 'em!
We did it.
Oh. You two went to the Mint together?
-Sure did. -Barry has a knack for it too.
He can spot the difference between a plate and a platter.
You either know that or you don't.
It's like sexing a chicken.
You hear that, Steve? Your dad knows my name.
My name is Barry! And he knows that!
Uh, yeah. That's great.
So, Barry, want to wind down by watching
the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
I'm Barry!
Red Dawn? Dad, I thought that was our thing.
Oh, you're off the hook, Steve. I know you never bought into the whole Nicaraguans,
Russians and Cubans invading Colorado thing.
Besides, I've got Barry now. I don't need you, per se.
-You don't need me? -"Per se," Steve.
Geez, doesn't anyone appreciate Latin anymore?
Well done, Barry.
The cougar, wolves, killer salmon.
And I think you'll be surprised to see what creature
was number one in my "Enemies of the Bear" collection...
man.
Time for my vitamin.
I should run home and get more.
You don't need those.
Your little candy pills won't make you live forever, will they?
-Will they? -What are you guys doing in here?
Oh, hey, Barry's friend.
Dad, you said if I ever set foot
in the commemorative-plate room,
you'd send me to military school.
And you also said that this room
has a maximum capacity of two.
Way to remember my words, Barry.
So, Steve, I guess we'll, uh,
just, uh, see you at dinner then.
Don't look at him.
No frat parties harder than we do.
Last year, one of our pledges drank himself to death.
At his funeral, everybody got laid.
Hey, what's that guy doing?
Oh, that's a keg stand.
Gets the beer into your system faster.
I'm sorry. I was just overcome with joy.
Anyway, you mind if I, uh...
One, two, three, four...
307, 308, 309!
About an hour ago, I heard somebody mention chili fries.
-What's happening with that? -Roger! Roger!
Roger! Roger!
There you go.
-Bunk beds. -Dad, what are you doing?
Prepping your room for the sleepover.
Hey, Steve.
My Spider-Man shirt!
Told you he wouldn't mind. All right, boys, good night.
-Reveille at 0700 tomorrow? -0700?
How about okay!
You scamp, I love you!
Thanks to your dad, I don't need my vitamins anymore.
Okay, Barry, I've had enough. Time for you to go home.
-Go home? -Yes. Go home.
Just cut off my shirt and leave!
I don't think so, Steve.
I like it here.
Your voice, I-it's different.
Yes, lots of things are different now.
You see, your father and I get along quite well.
He likes me and I like him.
And no one... I mean no one...
...is going to stand in the way of our friendship.
So just shut your skinny mouth,
get in the bottom bunk
and go to sleep.
That fly... I-It just crawled in your.
Get in the bottom bunk, Steven,
and go to sleep!
That should be with you momentarily.
You don't understand. He... He's crazy!
He... He was talking like Gary Oldman
and he made me sleep under the bed!
And then a fly crawled in his mouth and... and he ate it!
He... He ate the fly!
He... It went... He just ate it!
Well, you tell Barry not to fill up on junk.
I'm making tacos for dinner.
Hey, hey! There he is!
-You look great, champ! -I took a shower.
Boy, that bathroom is so clean, Mrs. S.
How do you find the time to still be so pretty?
Oh, Barry, please. I look terrible.
Stan, could we stop by church on the way to breakfast?
Before I take my first sip of OJ,
I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.
You bet, slugger.
Oh, I'm heading to church for Bible study.
Mind if I catch a ride?
-Ooh. -Hey.
Uh, Steve, would you mind opening the door for us?
Yes, I mind. You have to believe me.
There's something wrong with Barry. Something evil.
Fine, I'll open the door.
When we get to church, nobody pray for Steve.
So then Dogger was like, "Man, who vomited on my bed?"
And I was, like, "Dogger, not only is that not vomit"
that's not a bed."
Beer breath and bloodshot eyes
are not things to subsidize!
Beer breath and bloodshot eyes
-are not things to subsidize! -Let me handle this.
Ladies, ladies, the dean gave us
that money fair and square.
Yes, but not so you could blow it on parties and alcohol!
-Yeah, that's right! Tell him, Hayley! -Yeah, I know!
-That's right! Yeah! -Yeah!
Listen, you girls like studying different cultures, right?
Uh-huh.
Well, we're a culture. A gender-and-ethnic-exclusionary hierarchy.
Maybe you should study us. Say tomorrow night? At the house?
-That sounds fair. -He makes a good point.
-I'll tell the Eskimos. -Wait! Don't go!
We need to stay the course!
This isn't over, Roger.
I know. We just made plans for tomorrow.
Weren't you listening? Ho!
I don't know what's gotten into you, Barry,
but this is my family, my house and...
Whoa, whoa, Barry. I... I didn't mean to...
No, no, you're right.
It... It's just that your dad is so great.
And I wanted to have a dad like that. And I feel bad.
And so I made you a sandwich.
Oh, well, thanks.
Why are you using oven mitts for a cold sandwich?
I'm pretending they're pockets.
Hey! That's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate.
You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth
in a few months when she's dead?
-That sounded like... -My porcelain!
No!
They were innocent!
What plate will commemorate you?
Who would do such a thing?
-I don't know. -What if we dust for prints?
Of course. Barry, that's it. To the crime lab!
Wow, Stan!
The crime lab turned out great.
Dad, there's got to be millions of suspects in that database.
It's gonna take forever.
We've got a match. A picture of the culprit is now on my monitor.
Now I just have to turn my head
slightly to the left and...
Steve!
Why, Steve? Why?
What? I didn't do it.
Well, yours are the only fingerprints on there.
Oh, my God!
The oven mitts! It was the oven mitts!
I think he's dangerous.
He told me he's been strangling cats for years.
-I did not! He's just... -Look out!
He's got a gun!
Oh, my God! What's happened to our son?
I think it's time for a little tough love.
Oven mitts!
Listen up! You boys are here because you require punishment!
Unusual punishment that at times will border on the absurd!
Sir, um, where are we?
Well, we ain't at a Denny's in Tucson
trying to convince the waitress it's our birthday!
We're on an oil rig in the Atlantic.
Try to escape and you'll be met with deadly sharks and sniper fire!
Do as you're told, and you'll find this a very safe environment.
You can do this, Gary. Your time is now.
All right! Maggots to the barracks!
-More tea, Lady Harrington? -Why, thank you.
Wolverines!
-My Puffalump! -Leave it!
This is great, Barry. Steve isn't interested
in playing Red Dawn with me anymore.
I'm sorry you wasted 14 years of your life with him.
Stan?
I need some furniture moved while I vacuum!
Sorry, champ. Playtime's over.
-But... -Wife comes first, pal.
Oh, Francine is first
on my list... to kill.
My name is Barry.
Thank you.
What's wrong with these kids?
They all seem so slow.
Line up, munchwads! Time for your pills!
-What pills? -The ones that retard your aggressive criminal minds!
Wait a minute.
Retard.
Time to take my vitamin.
That's it! Barry stopped taking his meds!
He's unretarded!
Don't take that! It turns you into one of them!
Thanks, but if you touch me again, I'll cut your nipples off.
Hey, there's a reason I'm here.
My family's in danger.
I got to get home!
So this family of yours, do they, uh,
I don't know, have nipples?
Girls, put those drinks down.
We're supposed to be studying this elitist subculture.
You've lost your objectivity.
We're not objects, Hayley. We're women.
Hear me...
Listen up, Hayley.
There's nothing wrong with a good time.
Try talking to one of the bros. You might enjoy it.
Never. You hear me? Never!
Well, that's a shame, 'cause fraternities
really do represent virtue,
charity and brotherly love.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be playing foosball in the rape room.
Barry, what are you... Where's Francine?
Uh, someplace she can't get between us anymore.
Move over, Stan. You're freezing.
What did you do, you little...
Uh-uh. But since you're up,
what do you say we go downstairs for a little game?
-Your... Your voice. -Soothing, isn't it?
Sweet and terrible like a madman's lullaby.
If any of you
were thinking about breaking into a musical number, think again!
I'm the only one who sings on this rig!
♪ Food, glorious food ♪
♪ Hot sausage and mustard ♪
♪ While we're in the mood ♪
♪ Cold jelly and custard ♪
This is our chance. We're busting out of here.
Time to play Identity Theft.
Wow!
She's all yours.
And now to lower the speedboat.
Alarm button next to the speedboat. Lowering button pushed!
-Let's get out of here! -Alarm button
next to the speedboat - lowering button pushed!
-What are you doing? -Quick! Through here!
There's no way out! We got you surrounded!
Let go!
All right, kids are dead. Back to work!
That was amazing, Steve.
How'd you learn to do all that?
-Um, my dad taught me. -Cool!
Very cool.
Yeah, I guess it is.
-Well, look who stayed over. -Leave me alone, Roger.
I'm already ashamed.
Ashamed I turned my back on the Eskimos.
You sure turned your back on me last night.
That's Tuk-Tuk. Good bro. Good for the house.
Well, if I'm gonna be any fun at the luau tonight, I better hit the sack.
Uh-uh. No, you don't. Brothers sleep. Pledges clean.
E... Excuse me. Clean?
Yeah. After a house party, pledges spend the day cleaning up.
Why don't you start by cleaning that up, bitch?
Tired of getting spanked by dudes anyway.
-Uh-oh. -Go ahead. Play the card.
But it'll send you back to start.
-I'm familiar with the rules, Stan. -But...
Play your card!
-All right, Barry! -The jig is up!
Steve, you're a jockey!
Had to play Identity Theft to get home.
Had to do a lot of things you taught me to get home.
I'm sorry I thought you were lame, Dad.
That's okay, Son.
Time to take your pill!
You're not in any position to be calling the shots, Steven.
I'm the one holding the gun.
Sure, you could kill me with your gun.
But are you willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?
Your antipsychotic vitamin is in one of these glasses.
You choose which one, then we both drink.
-Delightful. -Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat!
I'll just make my decision based upon what I know about you.
You escaped the work camp, so I know you're cunning.
I also know you're shy, farsighted,
grumpy in the morning... I know you've seen The Princess Bride.
-You're stalling. -And I knew you were going to say that.
I know you're a handful at boy-girl parties. Your name backwards is Nevets.
And your aim at the urinal is,
shall we say, less than accurate.
-Are you gonna choose a glass? -Yes, I choose this one!
Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith.
We're going faster than people!
Quiet, fatty, fat, fat, fatty!
Sorry we sent you to work camp, Son.
Barry really pulled one over on us.
How'd you know he'd pick the right glass?
I put vitamins in both.
I found this on the floor.
Man, I'm getting hungry.
Hey, let's go dig up your mother
so she can make us breakfast.