♪ Good morning, USA ♪
♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
Mmm. I'm so glad you came over for dinner, Debbie.
Yes, terrific to have my son's girlfriend gobbling up my family's precious food.
Everything's so delicious. Mr. Smith, can you pass the potatoes?
Ethically, I don't think I should.
Mashed spuds for milady?
It's so nice having you over, Debbie.
Oh, honey, here. Let me do that.
Mom, I can cut my own steak.
Oh, Debbie doesn't care.
I'm your mom. That's what moms do.
Now open up. Bernie Bee wants to find his flower.
Is this his flower?
Ah, come on, Debbie. Let's go swab the steak sauce out of my ear.
It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.
Is the coast clear? Good, I can join.
I found this old New Yorker in the bathroom,
and there's a very interesting take on T.S. Eliot's work.
It seems that-- -What does Steve see in Debbie?
Maybe he's just gonna turn her into condos.
-Uh, excuse me. -What? Were you saying something?
Spit out your cutesy quip and shovel on.
Is Roger doing a bit? Roger, start over.
I was making a serious point.
-Oh. -Why does nobody respect me?
Roger, you're an uneducated alcoholic.
You don't know anything except Q.V.C. return policies.
That's a specialty, yes. But I have a lot of smart opinions.
Can it! You're the Adam Sandler of this house.
And nobody wants Punch-Drunk Love. Just give us Waterboy.
You ignorant cretins. I'm more than just a clown.
There we go. Dumb alien. That's good material.
You should be nicer to Debbie. If my Stevie likes her--
Ah, Stan, that's too tight.
I know you don't want any more kids, but do we have to go to these lengths?
I don't like it any more than you do.
But just think, soon we'll be able to mate worry free.
You know, because you'll be menopausal.
Your uterus will fall like Saigon. And Steve was the last chopper out.
Oh, I'll always have my little Stevie.
Condoms, diaphragm, can of sperm repellent.
All right. Foreplay.
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Is Steve ready to walk to school?
Oh, Debbie, look, this is my breakfast.
Steve will be right down, honey.
Be nice.
-Just so we're clear. -Is that a Tec P11 nine millimeter?
You-- You know about guns?
Yeah, I use my dad's to shoot the eyes out of squirrels.
Good God! That's a tough shot!
-Your sight needs a tweak. May I? -Please.
You know, you're all right, big stuff.
-Hey, Debs. -You kids have a good day at school.
Here's your lunch, Steve.
-Oh, that's okay, Mom. Debbie took care of it. -I'm sorry. What?
-Yeah. I made Steve's lunch today. -But that's impossible.
Cucumber sandwich! Tight!
You know, cucumbers are just brineless pickles.
I could've "de-brined" his pickles.
Who does that fatso think she is?
Oh, is Debbie a larger woman? I hadn't noticed.
I can't wait to enroll here. People are finally gonna take me seriously.
Don't they have college on your planet?
Yeah, but if you're not Asian, it's impossible to get in.
Hey, Ethan.
God, Ethan is so hot.
And he completely ignores me. It makes him so much hotter.
What are you talking about? He totally ignored me and I don't think he's hot at a--
Now I see it. Now I'm seeing it.
Oh, what do you have there, honey?
I'm making a scrapbook of me and Debbie.
Let me move these flowers so you have more light.
Mom!
Oh, I'm sure that'll come right out.
There. She's gone.
I mean the stain. I call the stain a "she," like a ship.
Anyway, it's been a while, so I was thinking tonight...
we could see who can do the best pretend elephant.
-Beat that. -Actually, I'm going over to Debbie's tonight.
Oh, um, Steve, Mommy's not feeling well.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
-Mommy's dying! -You're funny.
Not as funny as Debbie. She cracks me up.
Debbie.
Francine. What are you doing here? This isn't home.
Well, I just wanted to bring you and the boys some cookies. Is that a dead squirrel?
Yeah, Debbie made me a desk caddy.
Look, I can sharpen my pencil. Great gal.
Plus, she's fast-tracking our boy to manhood.
Yeah. So I'd like to reward the guys fighting the drug war.
Where's the drug room?
I don't have any drugs. I'm totally clean.
Do you expect me to take your word...
over that of an anonymous tipster?
Pure Peruvian marching powder, grown on the Andes, North slope.
I'd say it's about 80% baby laxative.
Yep, this junk means only one thing.
Esteban Mortia is back in business.
Principal Lewis, those drugs aren't mine.
Then explain this.
Smith, you're suspended.
And tell Esteban that el lobo negron sends his regards.
Hey, Ethan. Don't you love literature? It's so uninhibited.
Like me after a couple of beers.
-Hmm. -Good afternoon, everyone.
I'm Professor Guggenheim.
Wait. Is there another "G"? Or is it--
I'm Professor Baxter. And you'll be respecting me this semester.
-What are you doing? -I went to talk to the dean. One lie led to another,
and he asked me to teach this class.
-You can't teach. -Quiet, please.
You may have thought this class was about literature.
You were wrong. This class is about life.
Electric word, "life." It means forever and that's a mighty long time.
But I'm here to tell you. There's something else.
My office hours. They're Tuesday from 1:00 to 3:00.
Steve, you were right to call Mommy.
Don't worry about being suspended.
From now on, you'll just stay home with me.
-I know you set me up, Mother. -What?
We can't keep doing this. It isn't working, you and me. We've grown apart.
Oh, God. The crowded restaurant so I wouldn't make a scene.
You're breaking up with me.
We had a good run. Remember my fifth birthday? Oh.
And I had some great times suckling.
-But it's time to move on. -This isn't happening.
You'll find someone new. Maybe you'll get some cats.
This is all Debbie's fault.
Let's be adults about this, Mom.
I'd-- I'd like the key to my bike lock.
-Just take it! -We'll see each other around the house.
-And we'll still be friends. -Oh, sure, friends!
I don't need any more friends, Steven.
-Can I take your order, honey? -Oh, hey, Gladys.
I, uh-- Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too.
There's another coffee shop.
♪ Cows have calves Birds have chicks ♪
♪ And everyone has a mom ♪
I used to watch this show with Steve.
But now he's left me. And look how old Maria's gotten.
Francine, why not just replace Steve?
You know, have another baby.
Stan would never go for another kid. His mind is made up.
It's not his mind you need.
What the-- Rape! Succubus!
Francine, what are you doing?
I was being spontaneous.
Look at the calendar. This isn't one of our safe days.
That means there's something else going on in your woman theater.
And I do not perform with another act.
Stan, I've been thinking.
Maybe it would be okay if we had another baby.
Are you mad, woman? Once the kids are out of the house,
you'll lead the carefree life of a barren spinster.
Except your nights will be filled with unsheathed, unwrapped pounding.
Stan, I want another baby.
Forget it. You'll stay off my man zone until you're in hot flashes.
You better sleep with one eye open, Stan.
I'll do whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes.
Huh, that doesn't hurt half as bad as I thought--
Quick, wipe it off between your legs!
No, wait! Nice try.
You must plunge into the pool of life.
But ask yourself, will you jackknife or cannonball?
-Wow, he's so smart. I just ate. -I'm gonna wait 30 minutes.
Did you see that, Hayley? They respect me.
Roger, your lecture today was just a bunch of idealistic nonsense.
Oh, really? You just earned yourself a week of detention.
-There's no detention in college. -Oh, right.
Well, then I'm taking away 50 points from Gryffindor.
Oh, sorry. I'm-- I'm interrupting.
No, just a lively exchange of ideas.
I-I just wanted to tell you how inspiring you are, Professor.
It's like I've been asleep my whole life.
-And now I'm finally awake. -Oh, I'm awake too. Totally awake.
-It's like I'm on crank, I'm so awake. -Exactly.
You wanna get some coffee
-and talk about Professor Baxter's ideas? -Sounds great.
Later, Professor.
I pretend to teach them.
But it's really they who pretend to teach me.
Welcome to Vasectech Vasectomy Systems.
If you have a coupon, insert it now.
-I'm Kichiro. -And I'm Mojiro.
Your vasectomy is about to beginning.
Imagine, empty playgrounds, free of children shouting and laughter.
That's the beautiful dream of Vasectech.
After this simple procedure, you will be unsuitable towards manufacture children.
Yea!
A world with no children. Future generations will thank us.
Vasectomy is the serious procedure.
Would you like to save some father fluids?
Please fill cup our attendant provides.
Please use good-time magazines.
No need. I already banked plenty of sperm...
before a dangerous mission back in the '80s.
There's a vial of proto-Smiths at the government storage center outside D.C.
Strong, Reagan-era swimmers inspired by the 1984 Olympic victories of Matt Biondi.
Oh, congratulations on superior depositing.
Kindly enter for your vasectomy.
So where do I put my-- Oh, I see.
Wow, that's a snug fit.
There's a simple lesson to be learned from
whatever book I'm teaching you about, and it's this,
follow your heart and get rid of anything that stands in the way of your dreams.
All right. Assignment, people.
Buy Moby Dick and tear it up... by Monday.
I know some of you aren't ripping up your homework like I ask.
Don't complain to me when you can't rip up your midterm.
Roger, how did you come up with that lecture?
Oh, I just stitched together a little Mr. Holland,
a little Dead Poets and the rest is just lies.
Well, keep up that "Follow your heart" crap.
I think Ethan's really loosening up.
Professor, I was wondering if you'd like to come to dinner at my home.
Hayley, you should join us too.
Hayley, just so we're clear, you're only coming...
because you got caught in the gravity of my invite.
I was so invited that it invited everything around it.
Oh, Debbie.
Oh, uh, hey.
-Didn't expect to see you here. -The kitchen?
Look, I really don't wanna get into this right now.
Come on, Debbie.
You, um-- You look good.
Say hi to your folks for me.
She looks awful.
Francine, I thought about what you said about having a baby.
You're right and I'm wrong, and there is nothing suspicious about that.
Oh, Stan.
Still no baby. I don't understand.
I guess we just need to keep trying.
That's the spirit, soldier. Tell you what.
I'm gonna take a shower, then we'll recharge with frozen yogurt.
Oh, I think we have a coupon.
There you go. Now you're holding up your end.
Let's see. Y's.
Vasectomy?
Professor, Hayley.
-Shrimp Gruyere puff? -Mmm.
Oh, Ethan, you should be a professor of food.
Thanks. I've always wanted to cook, but my father never supported me.
But now you've inspired me.
That's why I became a professor, Ethan, to inspire people,
inspire them to respect me.
Oh, and you know how you told us to make a change for the better?
Well, I took your advice and stabbed my father, 38 times.
Daddy, Daddy.
Not eating isn't gonna bring him back.
Hey, after yogurt, let's try the reverse bulldog again.
-I think you just need to punch me harder. -You had a vasectomy?
Look, I know you're mad, but I'm sliced. There's nothing we can do.
How about some angry, no-baby sex?
Oh, there's something I can do.
Your Japanese friends told me about your banked sperm.
-Kichiro. -I know about the government storage center, Stan.
-I'm having a baby. -No!
My eyes!
My mouth! My back!
My begonia!
"My Sharona"!
Marry me. My Best Friend's Wedding! Ah, my eyes again!
Francine, stop this. If you won't give me a baby, -I'm gonna get one myself.
♪ Moonlight becomes you ♪
♪ I'm thrilled at the sight ♪
♪ And I could get So romantic ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
Roger, tell him we want to get the hell out of here.
Uh, Ethan, it's been a lovely evening,
but I have a faculty meeting in the morning.
No, you can't leave. We need to seize the day like you said.
And if we don't, then life isn't worth living... for any of us.
I'll go get Pictionary.
Let's just make a run for it.
Finally, my ear popped.
Why aren't these labeled?
I won't know whose sperm I'm getting.
It's like I'm blacked out at a frat house.
Give it up, Francine.
Ever since I first became a father, I've dreamed of being done with kids.
And I won't let you ruin that.
Well, I am not gonna let my husband stand in the way of me getting pregnant.
You missed!
Oh, I didn't miss.
Oh, sweet, merciful heaven.
I feel like Tara Reid on an average Tuesday.
Wait a second.
Milk! Well, that's much less disgusting.
Let's see. "S."
"Reagan, Rove, Rumsfeld."
"Reno"? Janet Reno? That goes over here.
Looking for this?
Remember me, fellas? I'm sure you'd all make fine Stan Juniors.
But I can't be running around and making you grilled cheese for the next 18 years.
Stan, don't! I've got a turkey baster and...
George Stephanopoulos.
-You wouldn't. -Oh, I would.
You want that, Stan? A house full of liberal Greek midget babies.
Francine, he has the third-rated Sunday talk show. He loses to Bob Schieffer.
I don't care. I wanna be a mom again.
All right, all right. You win.
Here. Take my baby gravy.
But you don't need it, Francine. You're already a mother.
And you always will be. Look.
Kids are supposed to leave you.
It means you did a great job.
It means you prepared them for the world.
I just thought you should know that.
Why am I doing this? I am a mother, a great mother.
And our kids are the proof.
Oh, Stan.
I-Is it a car? Uh, some kind of car?
-Please, God. Let it be a car. -Uh-Uh, a truck, a fan, a car.
I don't know what it is!
It was a boat. We're not seizing the day at all.
Uh-- Uh, you know what would really be seizing the moment?
If you and Hayley made out in the closet next to a dead guy.
Yeah, that would be great. It's like life and death or something.
-What are you doing? -Don't worry. I totally have a plan to get me out of here.
You know what would be even better, Ethan?
If you went into the closet with Professor Baxter and talked about ideas.
-Oh, that is better. -No, no, no, it's not any better.
-I don't have any ideas. I'm not even a real professor. -What? You're not?
No.
Ethan, I wanted people to think I was smart. But I'm an idiot.
I looked up to you. I-- I listened to your every word.
Huge mistake. Very bad idea.
I'm just a clumsy oaf who likes to nap, eat Nutter Butters,
and watch bad television.
And you know what? That's what I'm best at.
I don't need respect. You know, I'm gonna quit trying to do The Majestic
and just go back to Ace Ventura.
I killed my dad because of you.
Hey, guy. Don't be down.
I know it looks rough right now, but--
Oh, what's this?
Is this a nickel?
Here. You keep that. So we're gonna go.
Uh, you'll probably wanna put your pants on for when the police come.
I believe they're still in the microwave.
Oh, and Hayley thinks you're totally cute.
-Mom, you're home. -Oh, Stevie. What's the matter?
Debbie broke up with me.
Oh, Steve. Mommy's here, honey.
Francine, remember the cow.
Steve, you're a big boy. You're gonna be fine.
Oh, Steve, come back to Mommy.
-I'm all you have. -What?
Well, no girl will ever love you as much as Mommy.
-They-- They won't? -Oh, heavens, no.
Even Debbie didn't find you attractive.
-She didn't? -No, not even a little.
As a woman, I could tell.
Mama.
That's okay. You can stay right here at home...
with Mommy... forever.