1 00:00:02,957 --> 00:00:05,715 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 2 00:00:05,715 --> 00:00:09,071 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:09,071 --> 00:00:11,868 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:11,868 --> 00:00:15,225 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪ 5 00:00:18,182 --> 00:00:21,099 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:21,099 --> 00:00:24,015 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 7 00:00:26,134 --> 00:00:28,492 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 8 00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:34,605 Mmm. I'm so glad you came over for dinner, Debbie. 9 00:00:34,605 --> 00:00:38,841 Yes, terrific to have my son's girlfriend gobbling up my family's precious food. 10 00:00:38,841 --> 00:00:42,718 Everything's so delicious. Mr. Smith, can you pass the potatoes? 11 00:00:42,718 --> 00:00:45,036 Ethically, I don't think I should. 12 00:00:45,036 --> 00:00:47,032 Mashed spuds for milady? 13 00:00:48,391 --> 00:00:50,750 It's so nice having you over, Debbie. 14 00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,867 Oh, honey, here. Let me do that. 15 00:00:52,867 --> 00:00:54,985 Mom, I can cut my own steak. 16 00:00:54,985 --> 00:00:57,063 Oh, Debbie doesn't care. 17 00:00:57,063 --> 00:00:59,181 I'm your mom. That's what moms do. 18 00:00:59,181 --> 00:01:02,897 Now open up. Bernie Bee wants to find his flower. 19 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:06,414 Is this his flower? 20 00:01:08,612 --> 00:01:13,007 Ah, come on, Debbie. Let's go swab the steak sauce out of my ear. 21 00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:15,725 It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend. 22 00:01:15,725 --> 00:01:18,002 Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her. 23 00:01:18,002 --> 00:01:21,279 Is the coast clear? Good, I can join. 24 00:01:21,279 --> 00:01:23,397 I found this old New Yorker in the bathroom, 25 00:01:23,397 --> 00:01:26,035 and there's a very interesting take on T.S. Eliot's work. 26 00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:28,912 It seems that-- -What does Steve see in Debbie? 27 00:01:28,912 --> 00:01:30,589 Maybe he's just gonna turn her into condos. 28 00:01:30,589 --> 00:01:33,346 -Uh, excuse me. -What? Were you saying something? 29 00:01:33,346 --> 00:01:35,305 Spit out your cutesy quip and shovel on. 30 00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:37,783 Is Roger doing a bit? Roger, start over. 31 00:01:37,783 --> 00:01:39,740 I was making a serious point. 32 00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:42,578 -Oh. -Why does nobody respect me? 33 00:01:42,578 --> 00:01:45,015 Roger, you're an uneducated alcoholic. 34 00:01:45,015 --> 00:01:47,732 You don't know anything except Q.V.C. return policies. 35 00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:50,889 That's a specialty, yes. But I have a lot of smart opinions. 36 00:01:50,889 --> 00:01:53,246 Can it! You're the Adam Sandler of this house. 37 00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:56,404 And nobody wants Punch-Drunk Love. Just give us Waterboy. 38 00:01:56,404 --> 00:01:59,919 You ignorant cretins. I'm more than just a clown. 39 00:02:05,115 --> 00:02:07,952 There we go. Dumb alien. That's good material. 40 00:02:11,828 --> 00:02:15,105 You should be nicer to Debbie. If my Stevie likes her-- 41 00:02:15,105 --> 00:02:17,104 Ah, Stan, that's too tight. 42 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:20,700 I know you don't want any more kids, but do we have to go to these lengths? 43 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,298 I don't like it any more than you do. 44 00:02:22,298 --> 00:02:25,135 But just think, soon we'll be able to mate worry free. 45 00:02:25,135 --> 00:02:26,933 You know, because you'll be menopausal. 46 00:02:26,933 --> 00:02:30,450 Your uterus will fall like Saigon. And Steve was the last chopper out. 47 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,007 Oh, I'll always have my little Stevie. 48 00:02:33,007 --> 00:02:36,164 Condoms, diaphragm, can of sperm repellent. 49 00:02:36,164 --> 00:02:37,602 All right. Foreplay. 50 00:02:45,715 --> 00:02:48,712 Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Is Steve ready to walk to school? 51 00:02:48,712 --> 00:02:51,708 Oh, Debbie, look, this is my breakfast. 52 00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:53,427 Steve will be right down, honey. 53 00:02:53,427 --> 00:02:55,544 Be nice. 54 00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:59,261 -Just so we're clear. -Is that a Tec P11 nine millimeter? 55 00:02:59,261 --> 00:03:01,418 You-- You know about guns? 56 00:03:01,418 --> 00:03:03,857 Yeah, I use my dad's to shoot the eyes out of squirrels. 57 00:03:03,857 --> 00:03:07,052 Good God! That's a tough shot! 58 00:03:07,052 --> 00:03:10,010 -Your sight needs a tweak. May I? -Please. 59 00:03:10,010 --> 00:03:13,087 You know, you're all right, big stuff. 60 00:03:13,087 --> 00:03:15,764 -Hey, Debs. -You kids have a good day at school. 61 00:03:15,764 --> 00:03:18,042 Here's your lunch, Steve. 62 00:03:18,042 --> 00:03:21,878 -Oh, that's okay, Mom. Debbie took care of it. -I'm sorry. What? 63 00:03:21,878 --> 00:03:25,594 -Yeah. I made Steve's lunch today. -But that's impossible. 64 00:03:25,594 --> 00:03:29,751 Cucumber sandwich! Tight! 65 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,227 You know, cucumbers are just brineless pickles. 66 00:03:32,227 --> 00:03:34,145 I could've "de-brined" his pickles. 67 00:03:34,145 --> 00:03:36,384 Who does that fatso think she is? 68 00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,502 Oh, is Debbie a larger woman? I hadn't noticed. 69 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:45,175 I can't wait to enroll here. People are finally gonna take me seriously. 70 00:03:45,175 --> 00:03:46,853 Don't they have college on your planet? 71 00:03:46,853 --> 00:03:49,410 Yeah, but if you're not Asian, it's impossible to get in. 72 00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:50,290 Hey, Ethan. 73 00:03:51,809 --> 00:03:53,727 God, Ethan is so hot. 74 00:03:53,727 --> 00:03:56,643 And he completely ignores me. It makes him so much hotter. 75 00:03:56,643 --> 00:04:00,560 What are you talking about? He totally ignored me and I don't think he's hot at a-- 76 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,837 Now I see it. Now I'm seeing it. 77 00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:08,192 Oh, what do you have there, honey? 78 00:04:08,192 --> 00:04:10,110 I'm making a scrapbook of me and Debbie. 79 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,547 Let me move these flowers so you have more light. 80 00:04:13,346 --> 00:04:15,384 Mom! 81 00:04:15,384 --> 00:04:17,302 Oh, I'm sure that'll come right out. 82 00:04:22,537 --> 00:04:24,496 There. She's gone. 83 00:04:24,496 --> 00:04:28,611 I mean the stain. I call the stain a "she," like a ship. 84 00:04:28,611 --> 00:04:31,568 Anyway, it's been a while, so I was thinking tonight... 85 00:04:31,568 --> 00:04:33,966 we could see who can do the best pretend elephant. 86 00:04:35,844 --> 00:04:39,800 -Beat that. -Actually, I'm going over to Debbie's tonight. 87 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,557 Oh, um, Steve, Mommy's not feeling well. 88 00:04:43,557 --> 00:04:46,513 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 89 00:04:46,513 --> 00:04:49,551 -Mommy's dying! -You're funny. 90 00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:52,547 Not as funny as Debbie. She cracks me up. 91 00:04:52,547 --> 00:04:54,545 Debbie. 92 00:04:58,262 --> 00:05:01,618 Francine. What are you doing here? This isn't home. 93 00:05:01,618 --> 00:05:06,014 Well, I just wanted to bring you and the boys some cookies. Is that a dead squirrel? 94 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,212 Yeah, Debbie made me a desk caddy. 95 00:05:08,212 --> 00:05:11,129 Look, I can sharpen my pencil. Great gal. 96 00:05:11,129 --> 00:05:13,646 Plus, she's fast-tracking our boy to manhood. 97 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:18,042 Yeah. So I'd like to reward the guys fighting the drug war. 98 00:05:18,042 --> 00:05:19,600 Where's the drug room? 99 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,837 I don't have any drugs. I'm totally clean. 100 00:05:22,837 --> 00:05:24,755 Do you expect me to take your word... 101 00:05:24,755 --> 00:05:26,434 over that of an anonymous tipster? 102 00:05:30,908 --> 00:05:35,025 Pure Peruvian marching powder, grown on the Andes, North slope. 103 00:05:35,025 --> 00:05:37,543 I'd say it's about 80% baby laxative. 104 00:05:37,543 --> 00:05:40,739 Yep, this junk means only one thing. 105 00:05:40,739 --> 00:05:43,816 Esteban Mortia is back in business. 106 00:05:43,816 --> 00:05:46,214 Principal Lewis, those drugs aren't mine. 107 00:05:46,214 --> 00:05:47,532 Then explain this. 108 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:51,529 Smith, you're suspended. 109 00:05:51,529 --> 00:05:56,284 And tell Esteban that el lobo negron sends his regards. 110 00:06:01,119 --> 00:06:05,075 Hey, Ethan. Don't you love literature? It's so uninhibited. 111 00:06:05,075 --> 00:06:07,273 Like me after a couple of beers. 112 00:06:07,273 --> 00:06:09,670 -Hmm. -Good afternoon, everyone. 113 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,348 I'm Professor Guggenheim. 114 00:06:12,547 --> 00:06:15,864 Wait. Is there another "G"? Or is it-- 115 00:06:15,864 --> 00:06:19,461 I'm Professor Baxter. And you'll be respecting me this semester. 116 00:06:19,461 --> 00:06:22,777 -What are you doing? -I went to talk to the dean. One lie led to another, 117 00:06:22,777 --> 00:06:24,496 and he asked me to teach this class. 118 00:06:24,496 --> 00:06:26,813 -You can't teach. -Quiet, please. 119 00:06:26,813 --> 00:06:29,211 You may have thought this class was about literature. 120 00:06:29,211 --> 00:06:32,168 You were wrong. This class is about life. 121 00:06:32,168 --> 00:06:35,324 Electric word, "life." It means forever and that's a mighty long time. 122 00:06:35,324 --> 00:06:38,041 But I'm here to tell you. There's something else. 123 00:06:38,041 --> 00:06:40,440 My office hours. They're Tuesday from 1:00 to 3:00. 124 00:06:45,554 --> 00:06:47,632 Steve, you were right to call Mommy. 125 00:06:47,632 --> 00:06:49,670 Don't worry about being suspended. 126 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,068 From now on, you'll just stay home with me. 127 00:06:52,068 --> 00:06:54,585 -I know you set me up, Mother. -What? 128 00:06:54,585 --> 00:06:59,901 We can't keep doing this. It isn't working, you and me. We've grown apart. 129 00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:03,417 Oh, God. The crowded restaurant so I wouldn't make a scene. 130 00:07:03,417 --> 00:07:05,375 You're breaking up with me. 131 00:07:05,375 --> 00:07:08,372 We had a good run. Remember my fifth birthday? Oh. 132 00:07:08,372 --> 00:07:10,490 And I had some great times suckling. 133 00:07:10,490 --> 00:07:13,926 -But it's time to move on. -This isn't happening. 134 00:07:13,926 --> 00:07:16,883 You'll find someone new. Maybe you'll get some cats. 135 00:07:16,883 --> 00:07:18,921 This is all Debbie's fault. 136 00:07:18,921 --> 00:07:21,079 Let's be adults about this, Mom. 137 00:07:21,079 --> 00:07:23,796 I'd-- I'd like the key to my bike lock. 138 00:07:23,796 --> 00:07:26,874 -Just take it! -We'll see each other around the house. 139 00:07:26,874 --> 00:07:29,990 -And we'll still be friends. -Oh, sure, friends! 140 00:07:29,990 --> 00:07:33,905 I don't need any more friends, Steven. 141 00:07:33,905 --> 00:07:36,543 -Can I take your order, honey? -Oh, hey, Gladys. 142 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:40,379 I, uh-- Yeah, I wanted to talk to you too. 143 00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:44,335 There's another coffee shop. 144 00:07:48,932 --> 00:07:51,208 ♪ Cows have calves Birds have chicks ♪ 145 00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:53,407 ♪ And everyone has a mom ♪ 146 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:56,084 I used to watch this show with Steve. 147 00:07:56,084 --> 00:08:00,360 But now he's left me. And look how old Maria's gotten. 148 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,837 Francine, why not just replace Steve? 149 00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,875 You know, have another baby. 150 00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:08,311 Stan would never go for another kid. His mind is made up. 151 00:08:08,311 --> 00:08:10,190 It's not his mind you need. 152 00:08:14,546 --> 00:08:17,303 What the-- Rape! Succubus! 153 00:08:17,303 --> 00:08:20,340 Francine, what are you doing? 154 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,018 I was being spontaneous. 155 00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:24,775 Look at the calendar. This isn't one of our safe days. 156 00:08:24,775 --> 00:08:27,293 That means there's something else going on in your woman theater. 157 00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:29,570 And I do not perform with another act. 158 00:08:29,570 --> 00:08:31,169 Stan, I've been thinking. 159 00:08:31,169 --> 00:08:33,566 Maybe it would be okay if we had another baby. 160 00:08:33,566 --> 00:08:35,964 Are you mad, woman? Once the kids are out of the house, 161 00:08:35,964 --> 00:08:38,721 you'll lead the carefree life of a barren spinster. 162 00:08:38,721 --> 00:08:42,638 Except your nights will be filled with unsheathed, unwrapped pounding. 163 00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:44,675 Stan, I want another baby. 164 00:08:44,675 --> 00:08:48,152 Forget it. You'll stay off my man zone until you're in hot flashes. 165 00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:50,509 You better sleep with one eye open, Stan. 166 00:08:50,509 --> 00:08:52,307 I'll do whatever it takes. 167 00:08:53,907 --> 00:08:55,624 Whatever it takes. 168 00:08:55,624 --> 00:08:58,301 Huh, that doesn't hurt half as bad as I thought-- 169 00:08:58,301 --> 00:09:00,020 Quick, wipe it off between your legs! 170 00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,618 No, wait! Nice try. 171 00:09:04,576 --> 00:09:07,253 You must plunge into the pool of life. 172 00:09:07,253 --> 00:09:10,529 But ask yourself, will you jackknife or cannonball? 173 00:09:10,529 --> 00:09:14,365 -Wow, he's so smart. I just ate. -I'm gonna wait 30 minutes. 174 00:09:14,365 --> 00:09:16,883 Did you see that, Hayley? They respect me. 175 00:09:16,883 --> 00:09:20,480 Roger, your lecture today was just a bunch of idealistic nonsense. 176 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,637 Oh, really? You just earned yourself a week of detention. 177 00:09:23,637 --> 00:09:27,232 -There's no detention in college. -Oh, right. 178 00:09:27,232 --> 00:09:30,229 Well, then I'm taking away 50 points from Gryffindor. 179 00:09:30,229 --> 00:09:32,428 Oh, sorry. I'm-- I'm interrupting. 180 00:09:32,428 --> 00:09:34,705 No, just a lively exchange of ideas. 181 00:09:34,705 --> 00:09:38,341 I-I just wanted to tell you how inspiring you are, Professor. 182 00:09:38,341 --> 00:09:40,460 It's like I've been asleep my whole life. 183 00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:43,617 -And now I'm finally awake. -Oh, I'm awake too. Totally awake. 184 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,133 -It's like I'm on crank, I'm so awake. -Exactly. 185 00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,892 You wanna get some coffee 186 00:09:47,892 --> 00:09:51,208 -and talk about Professor Baxter's ideas? -Sounds great. 187 00:09:51,208 --> 00:09:53,447 Later, Professor. 188 00:09:54,645 --> 00:09:56,643 I pretend to teach them. 189 00:09:56,643 --> 00:09:59,321 But it's really they who pretend to teach me. 190 00:10:09,989 --> 00:10:12,628 Welcome to Vasectech Vasectomy Systems. 191 00:10:12,628 --> 00:10:14,825 If you have a coupon, insert it now. 192 00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:21,778 -I'm Kichiro. -And I'm Mojiro. 193 00:10:21,778 --> 00:10:25,055 Your vasectomy is about to beginning. 194 00:10:25,055 --> 00:10:29,330 Imagine, empty playgrounds, free of children shouting and laughter. 195 00:10:29,330 --> 00:10:31,888 That's the beautiful dream of Vasectech. 196 00:10:31,888 --> 00:10:36,962 After this simple procedure, you will be unsuitable towards manufacture children. 197 00:10:36,962 --> 00:10:39,441 Yea! 198 00:10:39,441 --> 00:10:43,556 A world with no children. Future generations will thank us. 199 00:10:43,556 --> 00:10:46,074 Vasectomy is the serious procedure. 200 00:10:46,074 --> 00:10:48,192 Would you like to save some father fluids? 201 00:10:48,192 --> 00:10:50,269 Please fill cup our attendant provides. 202 00:10:51,348 --> 00:10:52,948 Please use good-time magazines. 203 00:10:55,304 --> 00:10:57,941 No need. I already banked plenty of sperm... 204 00:10:57,941 --> 00:11:00,099 before a dangerous mission back in the '80s. 205 00:11:00,099 --> 00:11:03,976 There's a vial of proto-Smiths at the government storage center outside D.C. 206 00:11:03,976 --> 00:11:09,211 Strong, Reagan-era swimmers inspired by the 1984 Olympic victories of Matt Biondi. 207 00:11:09,211 --> 00:11:13,247 Oh, congratulations on superior depositing. 208 00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:16,364 Kindly enter for your vasectomy. 209 00:11:17,763 --> 00:11:19,720 So where do I put my-- Oh, I see. 210 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,876 Wow, that's a snug fit. 211 00:11:24,914 --> 00:11:28,032 There's a simple lesson to be learned from 212 00:11:28,032 --> 00:11:30,789 whatever book I'm teaching you about, and it's this, 213 00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:35,864 follow your heart and get rid of anything that stands in the way of your dreams. 214 00:11:37,623 --> 00:11:39,821 All right. Assignment, people. 215 00:11:39,821 --> 00:11:42,938 Buy Moby Dick and tear it up... by Monday. 216 00:11:42,938 --> 00:11:45,974 I know some of you aren't ripping up your homework like I ask. 217 00:11:45,974 --> 00:11:48,931 Don't complain to me when you can't rip up your midterm. 218 00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:50,849 Roger, how did you come up with that lecture? 219 00:11:50,849 --> 00:11:53,207 Oh, I just stitched together a little Mr. Holland, 220 00:11:53,207 --> 00:11:55,684 a little Dead Poets and the rest is just lies. 221 00:11:55,684 --> 00:11:57,602 Well, keep up that "Follow your heart" crap. 222 00:11:57,602 --> 00:11:59,440 I think Ethan's really loosening up. 223 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,917 Professor, I was wondering if you'd like to come to dinner at my home. 224 00:12:02,917 --> 00:12:05,594 Hayley, you should join us too. 225 00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:07,792 Hayley, just so we're clear, you're only coming... 226 00:12:07,792 --> 00:12:10,750 because you got caught in the gravity of my invite. 227 00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:13,507 I was so invited that it invited everything around it. 228 00:12:16,144 --> 00:12:17,942 Oh, Debbie. 229 00:12:18,501 --> 00:12:20,780 Oh, uh, hey. 230 00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,257 -Didn't expect to see you here. -The kitchen? 231 00:12:23,257 --> 00:12:25,815 Look, I really don't wanna get into this right now. 232 00:12:25,815 --> 00:12:26,893 Come on, Debbie. 233 00:12:27,972 --> 00:12:30,770 You, um-- You look good. 234 00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:32,607 Say hi to your folks for me. 235 00:12:32,607 --> 00:12:35,085 She looks awful. 236 00:12:35,085 --> 00:12:37,762 Francine, I thought about what you said about having a baby. 237 00:12:37,762 --> 00:12:40,559 You're right and I'm wrong, and there is nothing suspicious about that. 238 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:41,758 Oh, Stan. 239 00:13:10,210 --> 00:13:12,808 Still no baby. I don't understand. 240 00:13:12,808 --> 00:13:15,084 I guess we just need to keep trying. 241 00:13:15,084 --> 00:13:17,323 That's the spirit, soldier. Tell you what. 242 00:13:17,323 --> 00:13:19,920 I'm gonna take a shower, then we'll recharge with frozen yogurt. 243 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,679 Oh, I think we have a coupon. 244 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:24,116 There you go. Now you're holding up your end. 245 00:13:26,274 --> 00:13:27,792 Let's see. Y's. 246 00:13:30,549 --> 00:13:31,749 Vasectomy? 247 00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:37,422 Professor, Hayley. 248 00:13:38,341 --> 00:13:42,177 -Shrimp Gruyere puff? -Mmm. 249 00:13:42,177 --> 00:13:46,573 Oh, Ethan, you should be a professor of food. 250 00:13:46,573 --> 00:13:50,809 Thanks. I've always wanted to cook, but my father never supported me. 251 00:13:50,809 --> 00:13:52,487 But now you've inspired me. 252 00:13:52,487 --> 00:13:56,084 That's why I became a professor, Ethan, to inspire people, 253 00:13:56,084 --> 00:13:58,641 inspire them to respect me. 254 00:13:58,641 --> 00:14:02,237 Oh, and you know how you told us to make a change for the better? 255 00:14:02,237 --> 00:14:06,554 Well, I took your advice and stabbed my father, 38 times. 256 00:14:11,189 --> 00:14:14,386 Daddy, Daddy. 257 00:14:17,502 --> 00:14:19,421 Not eating isn't gonna bring him back. 258 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,216 Hey, after yogurt, let's try the reverse bulldog again. 259 00:14:24,216 --> 00:14:27,613 -I think you just need to punch me harder. -You had a vasectomy? 260 00:14:27,613 --> 00:14:30,689 Look, I know you're mad, but I'm sliced. There's nothing we can do. 261 00:14:30,689 --> 00:14:32,528 How about some angry, no-baby sex? 262 00:14:32,528 --> 00:14:34,765 Oh, there's something I can do. 263 00:14:34,765 --> 00:14:37,962 Your Japanese friends told me about your banked sperm. 264 00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:42,118 -Kichiro. -I know about the government storage center, Stan. 265 00:14:42,118 --> 00:14:44,236 -I'm having a baby. -No! 266 00:14:44,715 --> 00:14:45,754 My eyes! 267 00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:48,872 My mouth! My back! 268 00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:51,508 My begonia! 269 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,066 "My Sharona"! 270 00:14:54,066 --> 00:14:57,023 Marry me. My Best Friend's Wedding! Ah, my eyes again! 271 00:15:05,494 --> 00:15:09,691 Francine, stop this. If you won't give me a baby, -I'm gonna get one myself. 272 00:15:11,889 --> 00:15:15,725 ♪ Moonlight becomes you ♪ 273 00:15:15,725 --> 00:15:19,641 ♪ I'm thrilled at the sight ♪ 274 00:15:19,641 --> 00:15:24,036 ♪ And I could get So romantic ♪ 275 00:15:24,036 --> 00:15:25,794 ♪ Tonight ♪ 276 00:15:27,872 --> 00:15:30,469 Roger, tell him we want to get the hell out of here. 277 00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:32,588 Uh, Ethan, it's been a lovely evening, 278 00:15:32,588 --> 00:15:34,506 but I have a faculty meeting in the morning. 279 00:15:34,506 --> 00:15:37,463 No, you can't leave. We need to seize the day like you said. 280 00:15:37,463 --> 00:15:41,098 And if we don't, then life isn't worth living... for any of us. 281 00:15:41,098 --> 00:15:42,777 I'll go get Pictionary. 282 00:15:44,016 --> 00:15:45,495 Let's just make a run for it. 283 00:15:47,333 --> 00:15:50,330 Finally, my ear popped. 284 00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:54,805 Why aren't these labeled? 285 00:15:54,805 --> 00:15:56,844 I won't know whose sperm I'm getting. 286 00:15:56,844 --> 00:15:58,841 It's like I'm blacked out at a frat house. 287 00:15:58,841 --> 00:16:00,719 Give it up, Francine. 288 00:16:00,719 --> 00:16:03,716 Ever since I first became a father, I've dreamed of being done with kids. 289 00:16:03,716 --> 00:16:05,634 And I won't let you ruin that. 290 00:16:05,634 --> 00:16:09,071 Well, I am not gonna let my husband stand in the way of me getting pregnant. 291 00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,507 You missed! 292 00:16:12,507 --> 00:16:15,904 Oh, I didn't miss. 293 00:16:15,904 --> 00:16:18,102 Oh, sweet, merciful heaven. 294 00:16:20,140 --> 00:16:23,417 I feel like Tara Reid on an average Tuesday. 295 00:16:24,656 --> 00:16:25,695 Wait a second. 296 00:16:28,771 --> 00:16:32,448 Milk! Well, that's much less disgusting. 297 00:16:37,642 --> 00:16:39,281 Let's see. "S." 298 00:16:40,559 --> 00:16:43,196 "Reagan, Rove, Rumsfeld." 299 00:16:43,196 --> 00:16:46,353 "Reno"? Janet Reno? That goes over here. 300 00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:47,991 Looking for this? 301 00:16:47,991 --> 00:16:51,868 Remember me, fellas? I'm sure you'd all make fine Stan Juniors. 302 00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:55,784 But I can't be running around and making you grilled cheese for the next 18 years. 303 00:16:55,784 --> 00:16:59,540 Stan, don't! I've got a turkey baster and... 304 00:17:00,180 --> 00:17:01,978 George Stephanopoulos. 305 00:17:01,978 --> 00:17:04,615 -You wouldn't. -Oh, I would. 306 00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:09,131 You want that, Stan? A house full of liberal Greek midget babies. 307 00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:13,166 Francine, he has the third-rated Sunday talk show. He loses to Bob Schieffer. 308 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,124 I don't care. I wanna be a mom again. 309 00:17:16,124 --> 00:17:18,881 All right, all right. You win. 310 00:17:18,881 --> 00:17:21,479 Here. Take my baby gravy. 311 00:17:21,479 --> 00:17:24,276 But you don't need it, Francine. You're already a mother. 312 00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:26,114 And you always will be. Look. 313 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,027 Kids are supposed to leave you. 314 00:17:33,027 --> 00:17:34,585 It means you did a great job. 315 00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,463 It means you prepared them for the world. 316 00:17:36,463 --> 00:17:38,222 I just thought you should know that. 317 00:17:42,857 --> 00:17:47,452 Why am I doing this? I am a mother, a great mother. 318 00:17:47,452 --> 00:17:49,370 And our kids are the proof. 319 00:17:49,370 --> 00:17:50,569 Oh, Stan. 320 00:17:53,926 --> 00:17:57,683 I-Is it a car? Uh, some kind of car? 321 00:17:57,683 --> 00:18:02,198 -Please, God. Let it be a car. -Uh-Uh, a truck, a fan, a car. 322 00:18:02,198 --> 00:18:04,036 I don't know what it is! 323 00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:08,711 It was a boat. We're not seizing the day at all. 324 00:18:08,711 --> 00:18:11,908 Uh-- Uh, you know what would really be seizing the moment? 325 00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:14,745 If you and Hayley made out in the closet next to a dead guy. 326 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:18,742 Yeah, that would be great. It's like life and death or something. 327 00:18:18,742 --> 00:18:22,578 -What are you doing? -Don't worry. I totally have a plan to get me out of here. 328 00:18:22,578 --> 00:18:24,456 You know what would be even better, Ethan? 329 00:18:24,456 --> 00:18:27,653 If you went into the closet with Professor Baxter and talked about ideas. 330 00:18:27,653 --> 00:18:30,689 -Oh, that is better. -No, no, no, it's not any better. 331 00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:36,164 -I don't have any ideas. I'm not even a real professor. -What? You're not? 332 00:18:36,164 --> 00:18:38,801 No. 333 00:18:38,801 --> 00:18:43,037 Ethan, I wanted people to think I was smart. But I'm an idiot. 334 00:18:43,037 --> 00:18:46,873 I looked up to you. I-- I listened to your every word. 335 00:18:46,873 --> 00:18:49,191 Huge mistake. Very bad idea. 336 00:18:49,191 --> 00:18:51,868 I'm just a clumsy oaf who likes to nap, eat Nutter Butters, 337 00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:54,106 and watch bad television. 338 00:18:54,106 --> 00:18:56,823 And you know what? That's what I'm best at. 339 00:18:56,823 --> 00:19:00,220 I don't need respect. You know, I'm gonna quit trying to do The Majestic 340 00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,858 and just go back to Ace Ventura. 341 00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:06,373 I killed my dad because of you. 342 00:19:06,373 --> 00:19:08,492 Hey, guy. Don't be down. 343 00:19:08,492 --> 00:19:10,449 I know it looks rough right now, but-- 344 00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,488 Oh, what's this? 345 00:19:12,488 --> 00:19:14,166 Is this a nickel? 346 00:19:14,166 --> 00:19:17,283 Here. You keep that. So we're gonna go. 347 00:19:17,283 --> 00:19:20,120 Uh, you'll probably wanna put your pants on for when the police come. 348 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,637 I believe they're still in the microwave. 349 00:19:22,637 --> 00:19:25,195 Oh, and Hayley thinks you're totally cute. 350 00:19:31,389 --> 00:19:35,305 -Mom, you're home. -Oh, Stevie. What's the matter? 351 00:19:35,305 --> 00:19:37,423 Debbie broke up with me. 352 00:19:37,423 --> 00:19:40,020 Oh, Steve. Mommy's here, honey. 353 00:19:40,020 --> 00:19:43,616 Francine, remember the cow. 354 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,693 Steve, you're a big boy. You're gonna be fine. 355 00:19:49,011 --> 00:19:51,369 Oh, Steve, come back to Mommy. 356 00:19:51,369 --> 00:19:53,127 -I'm all you have. -What? 357 00:19:53,127 --> 00:19:56,444 Well, no girl will ever love you as much as Mommy. 358 00:19:56,444 --> 00:19:59,760 -They-- They won't? -Oh, heavens, no. 359 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,318 Even Debbie didn't find you attractive. 360 00:20:02,318 --> 00:20:05,594 -She didn't? -No, not even a little. 361 00:20:05,594 --> 00:20:07,353 As a woman, I could tell. 362 00:20:07,353 --> 00:20:10,909 Mama. 363 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:14,107 That's okay. You can stay right here at home... 364 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:17,502 with Mommy... forever.