1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:05,675 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 2 00:00:05,675 --> 00:00:08,991 ♪ I got a feeling That it's gonna be A wonderful day ♪ 3 00:00:08,991 --> 00:00:11,868 ♪ The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face ♪ 4 00:00:11,868 --> 00:00:15,225 ♪ And he's shining a salute To the American race ♪ 5 00:00:17,982 --> 00:00:21,138 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 6 00:00:21,138 --> 00:00:22,818 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 7 00:00:25,974 --> 00:00:28,651 ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 8 00:00:38,202 --> 00:00:39,321 Grandpa Klaus! 9 00:00:39,321 --> 00:00:40,999 I just came by to tell you 10 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:43,077 one of my funny bedtime stories. 11 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,236 Oh, tell me the one 12 00:00:44,236 --> 00:00:46,154 about how people used to believe in the Bible. 13 00:00:46,154 --> 00:00:50,949 Another time. No, this is the tale of Stan Smith, 14 00:00:50,949 --> 00:00:53,706 a man with a winter secret. 15 00:00:56,144 --> 00:00:59,261 Ah, Saturday... Sunday's Friday. 16 00:00:59,261 --> 00:01:01,978 Let's pack a picnic and go shoot rats in the junkyard. 17 00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:04,615 Sounds great! And afterwards we can stop by the... 18 00:01:05,814 --> 00:01:06,893 Stan, are you okay? 19 00:01:09,851 --> 00:01:12,448 There it was. She knew exactly what it meant. 20 00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:14,925 From the first snowflake to the first thaw, 21 00:01:14,925 --> 00:01:19,760 Stan would become aloof, withdrawn, mysterious. 22 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,358 Oh, Stan. Can't this year be different? 23 00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:25,275 No! I have to be alone. 24 00:01:29,950 --> 00:01:32,667 Francine cried and cried. 25 00:01:32,667 --> 00:01:36,623 And so what was a season of joy for most couples, 26 00:01:36,623 --> 00:01:40,939 was a season of solitary despair for poor Francine. 27 00:01:40,939 --> 00:01:42,298 Mmm. 28 00:01:45,175 --> 00:01:47,813 God, it's freezing in here! Why is the door open? 29 00:01:47,813 --> 00:01:51,688 Oh, Hayley-kins, this snow reminds me of my planet so. 30 00:01:51,688 --> 00:01:53,167 It's starting again. 31 00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,885 Your dad went out in the middle of the night, 32 00:01:54,885 --> 00:01:56,323 and he hasn't come home. 33 00:01:56,323 --> 00:01:58,561 -Where do you think he goes? -No idea. 34 00:01:58,561 --> 00:02:01,639 But ask me if I want a mimosa. That's a question I can answer. 35 00:02:03,637 --> 00:02:07,073 Oh, my God! Stan, you're bleeding! Where have you been? 36 00:02:07,073 --> 00:02:09,391 Sorry. That's for me to know and you to find out. 37 00:02:09,391 --> 00:02:11,069 But I never want you to find out. 38 00:02:11,069 --> 00:02:13,067 So it's just for me to know. 39 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,345 Stan, I'm your wife. 40 00:02:14,345 --> 00:02:16,503 If something's wrong, I want to help you. 41 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:17,823 Oh. So by that logic, 42 00:02:17,823 --> 00:02:19,900 if something is right, you'll want to hinder me! 43 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,178 Great, Francine. Real quality "wifing." 44 00:02:22,178 --> 00:02:23,297 Okay, here's the shot. 45 00:02:23,297 --> 00:02:24,935 You have to bounce the ball twice 46 00:02:24,935 --> 00:02:26,654 and toss it accurately enough 47 00:02:26,654 --> 00:02:28,811 to hit the netting, or metal ring. 48 00:02:33,526 --> 00:02:35,924 That must be the Russian binoculars we ordered! 49 00:02:35,924 --> 00:02:38,601 Package for Steve Smith. Sign here. 50 00:02:38,601 --> 00:02:41,158 Wait. This crate is way too big for binoculars. 51 00:02:41,158 --> 00:02:44,035 Oh, is it? I guess you know a lot about crates. 52 00:02:44,035 --> 00:02:45,315 Hey, good news, Sid. 53 00:02:45,315 --> 00:02:47,473 We got ourselves a regular crate expert. 54 00:02:47,473 --> 00:02:49,350 Little kid's gonna tell me all about crates. 55 00:02:49,350 --> 00:02:50,749 Professor Crate over here. 56 00:02:50,749 --> 00:02:52,507 All right, all right. I'll sign. 57 00:02:54,745 --> 00:02:57,383 -He's right, you know. -You have been kind of a jerk 58 00:02:57,383 --> 00:02:59,741 since you read that book about crates. 59 00:03:02,377 --> 00:03:05,974 Are you Steve, Toshi, Barry and Snot? 60 00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:10,010 I am a Russian bride. 61 00:03:10,010 --> 00:03:13,206 These are the best binoculars ever! 62 00:03:13,206 --> 00:03:16,364 Wait. Someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? 63 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,521 Grandpa, is this the same story? 64 00:03:18,521 --> 00:03:20,120 No, it is a little side story. 65 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,676 I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored. 66 00:03:23,676 --> 00:03:25,355 Are we part of the story, Grandpa? 67 00:03:25,355 --> 00:03:26,273 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 68 00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:28,591 No, we are a framing device. 69 00:03:28,591 --> 00:03:33,387 Anyway, Francine's curiosity finally got the best of her. 70 00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:36,343 She had to uncover Stan's secret. 71 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,537 Stan? 72 00:03:49,331 --> 00:03:52,488 I must be losing it. 73 00:03:52,488 --> 00:03:54,686 Mmm. 74 00:03:54,686 --> 00:03:56,724 Password accepted. 75 00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:15,625 Maria! I just thought you quit without giving notice. 76 00:04:26,174 --> 00:04:28,412 -Oh! -Stop, maiden woman. 77 00:04:28,412 --> 00:04:31,448 No further shall you venture without the password. 78 00:04:35,604 --> 00:04:37,522 What in God's name is wrong with you? 79 00:04:37,522 --> 00:04:40,319 -I thought that was the password. -It's not a word! 80 00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:42,677 It's a terrible, terrible abomination! 81 00:04:42,677 --> 00:04:47,273 Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just... See, I'm Stan's wife, and he-- 82 00:04:47,273 --> 00:04:49,670 Oh, you're Francine! 83 00:04:49,670 --> 00:04:53,307 I'm Clifford. Stan hired me to guard this passage. 84 00:04:53,307 --> 00:04:55,824 Yes, I've been down here quite a while. 85 00:04:55,824 --> 00:04:58,222 He owes me something like $42,000. 86 00:04:58,222 --> 00:05:00,180 He said he's putting it into an account for me. 87 00:05:00,180 --> 00:05:01,218 Is that, um... 88 00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:03,417 Is that true? 89 00:05:03,417 --> 00:05:05,973 Oh, we don't discuss finances. I just make the dinner. 90 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,452 Oh, no, no, no, no. 91 00:05:07,452 --> 00:05:09,331 It's fine. It's fine. I'm sure he's good for it. 92 00:05:09,331 --> 00:05:11,329 It's just my girlfriend wanted me to say something, 93 00:05:11,329 --> 00:05:13,447 'cause we're trying to get a place together and... 94 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:16,763 And, you know, move out of this tunnel. 95 00:05:16,763 --> 00:05:18,242 Um, yeah. 96 00:05:18,242 --> 00:05:20,479 If you just keep going down the, the way you're going. 97 00:05:20,479 --> 00:05:22,277 Exactly. 98 00:05:27,352 --> 00:05:29,110 Francine followed her husband-- 99 00:05:29,110 --> 00:05:30,670 He's a superhero? 100 00:05:30,670 --> 00:05:32,308 You know, every time you 101 00:05:32,308 --> 00:05:35,264 interrupt someone, your penis gets a little shorter. 102 00:05:35,264 --> 00:05:38,382 Francine followed her husband at a safe distance. 103 00:05:38,382 --> 00:05:39,740 But nothing could have 104 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,457 prepared her for what she was about to see. 105 00:05:53,366 --> 00:05:55,284 My God! 106 00:05:55,284 --> 00:05:57,202 He's a figure skater! 107 00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:05,714 Ooh! 108 00:06:05,714 --> 00:06:07,113 You've been sneaking out 109 00:06:07,113 --> 00:06:09,950 for the last 20 winters to ice-skate? 110 00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:12,187 How come you never told me? 111 00:06:12,187 --> 00:06:14,905 How can you tell someone you love you're a monster? 112 00:06:14,905 --> 00:06:16,424 I don't understand. 113 00:06:16,424 --> 00:06:19,301 Francine, a long time ago, I hurt someone. 114 00:06:19,301 --> 00:06:21,898 I hurt her very, very badly. 115 00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:24,855 We were competing in the Southeast Figure Skating Regionals. 116 00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:27,373 My partner wasn't as strong a skater as I was, 117 00:06:27,373 --> 00:06:28,571 but it was the regionals, 118 00:06:28,571 --> 00:06:30,969 and I wanted to win more than anything. 119 00:06:30,969 --> 00:06:33,048 I had to pull out all the stops. 120 00:06:36,283 --> 00:06:37,242 You suck! 121 00:06:38,841 --> 00:06:40,999 She never skated again. 122 00:06:40,999 --> 00:06:43,516 Oh, God, Stan. That's horrible. 123 00:06:43,516 --> 00:06:45,035 But it was an accident. 124 00:06:45,035 --> 00:06:47,153 That doesn't make you a monster. 125 00:06:47,153 --> 00:06:50,150 Having bulbous eyes and leathery skin 126 00:06:50,150 --> 00:06:52,667 and scary teeth makes you a monster. 127 00:06:52,667 --> 00:06:54,306 Brett Butler is a monster. 128 00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:55,824 I am a monster, Francine! 129 00:06:55,824 --> 00:06:57,222 Winning was more important to me 130 00:06:57,222 --> 00:06:58,782 than my own partner's safety. 131 00:06:58,782 --> 00:07:00,300 Since that terrible day, 132 00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,618 I've been damned to skate with the only partner I deserve, 133 00:07:03,337 --> 00:07:04,776 loneliness. 134 00:07:04,776 --> 00:07:07,212 Well, I'll skate with you. It'll be fun. 135 00:07:07,212 --> 00:07:09,171 Fun? Does it look like fun 136 00:07:09,171 --> 00:07:10,649 to speed and twirl about the ice 137 00:07:10,649 --> 00:07:13,047 to your favorite song in a magnificent costume? 138 00:07:13,047 --> 00:07:17,003 -Well, yeah. Actually, it does. -I envy your innocence. 139 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,321 Come on, Stan! 140 00:07:18,321 --> 00:07:20,839 Let me show you how much fun ice-skating can be! 141 00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:23,757 It's too dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you. 142 00:07:23,757 --> 00:07:25,314 You won't hurt me! 143 00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:28,311 Come on. Isn't it time we spent one winter together? 144 00:07:28,711 --> 00:07:30,349 Well... 145 00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:31,828 All right, let's do it! 146 00:07:31,828 --> 00:07:32,827 First thing we'll need to do 147 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,785 is raise $80 to buy you a costume. 148 00:07:34,785 --> 00:07:37,063 We could put on a show or raffle off a microwave or-- 149 00:07:37,063 --> 00:07:38,062 But I have $80. 150 00:07:38,661 --> 00:07:41,299 Oh. Okay then. 151 00:07:41,299 --> 00:07:43,416 And so, Francine nursed Stan's 152 00:07:43,416 --> 00:07:45,694 wounded soul back to life. 153 00:07:45,694 --> 00:07:46,973 Little by little, 154 00:07:46,973 --> 00:07:50,330 with love and support, she made skating fun for Stan. 155 00:07:50,330 --> 00:07:53,086 It was their first real winter together, 156 00:07:53,086 --> 00:07:55,525 and she was truly happy. 157 00:08:00,559 --> 00:08:03,157 Having a Russian bride sure has its advantages. 158 00:08:03,157 --> 00:08:06,273 I'll say! Now that Coach saw me with Svetlana, 159 00:08:06,273 --> 00:08:08,431 maybe he'll finally believe I'm heterosexual 160 00:08:08,431 --> 00:08:10,430 and let me towel myself off. 161 00:08:10,430 --> 00:08:11,748 Steve, I noticed you 162 00:08:11,748 --> 00:08:13,427 weren't rooting through my garbage this morning. 163 00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:16,344 That was the old me, Lacey. Now that I have Svetlana, 164 00:08:16,344 --> 00:08:19,581 your discarded Q-tips have lost their allure. 165 00:08:19,581 --> 00:08:21,059 Thanks to Francine, 166 00:08:21,059 --> 00:08:24,056 Stan was no longer haunted by his past, 167 00:08:24,056 --> 00:08:27,812 which made life better for him and everyone around him. 168 00:08:27,812 --> 00:08:31,049 Klaus, your scales are especially shiny today, my friend. 169 00:08:31,049 --> 00:08:32,687 Thank you for noticing. 170 00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:35,444 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were a fish? 171 00:08:35,444 --> 00:08:36,843 Oh, yeah, that. 172 00:08:36,843 --> 00:08:40,440 But Stan, he was a new man, and he-- 173 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:43,516 Hold on a second. You were a fish. 174 00:08:43,516 --> 00:08:45,035 Don't you think that's a better story 175 00:08:45,035 --> 00:08:46,354 than two grown-ups ice-skating? 176 00:08:46,354 --> 00:08:48,112 I was also roommates with Rick Schroder. 177 00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:49,510 You want to hear about that? 178 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:52,747 -Yeah! -Okay. 179 00:08:52,747 --> 00:08:55,464 Rick Schroder sucks. He just... He... 180 00:08:55,464 --> 00:08:58,341 He just sucks. He sucks so hard. 181 00:08:58,341 --> 00:09:02,058 Rick Schroder uses women. The end. 182 00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:04,775 Anyway, back to the skating story. 183 00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:07,173 Francine, if we order DIRECTV now, 184 00:09:07,173 --> 00:09:09,491 we get The Tennis Channel for just pennies a day! 185 00:09:09,491 --> 00:09:11,768 And Shirley's standing by to help us! 186 00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,127 -Forget it. -Shirley? 187 00:09:13,806 --> 00:09:15,884 What did you do? 188 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:18,761 It's so nice to finally spend 189 00:09:18,761 --> 00:09:20,480 a normal winter with my husband. 190 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,799 I always thought people 191 00:09:21,799 --> 00:09:23,717 ice-skated to escape their haunted pasts. 192 00:09:23,717 --> 00:09:25,275 But now I know it's just fun! 193 00:09:25,275 --> 00:09:27,952 That Peanuts Christmas special finally makes sense. 194 00:09:27,952 --> 00:09:30,229 Snoopy wasn't running from a painful memory. 195 00:09:30,229 --> 00:09:32,148 He was just a happy dog on skates! 196 00:09:32,148 --> 00:09:33,986 I'm glad you feel that way, 197 00:09:33,986 --> 00:09:37,463 because I entered us in a little couples competition down at the rink. 198 00:09:37,463 --> 00:09:39,381 It's gonna be so much fun! 199 00:09:39,381 --> 00:09:40,819 Yeah. Fun. 200 00:09:42,938 --> 00:09:46,374 Oh, Staniel, I know that look. What's wrong, chief? 201 00:09:46,374 --> 00:09:49,010 -I can't skate in this competition. -Oh, yeah. 202 00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:51,369 Francine told me all about your partner's injury. 203 00:09:51,369 --> 00:09:52,408 But you're past that. 204 00:09:52,408 --> 00:09:54,046 I didn't tell her the whole story. 205 00:09:54,046 --> 00:09:56,763 No, of course not. No one ever does. 206 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,242 My partner was down. 207 00:09:58,242 --> 00:10:01,159 But a little fall wasn't going to destroy my dream. 208 00:10:01,159 --> 00:10:03,117 I knew if my partner had been the conscious one, 209 00:10:03,117 --> 00:10:05,354 she would have done the same for me. 210 00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:07,034 I probably should have taken her to the hospital, 211 00:10:07,034 --> 00:10:10,229 but I was so competitive I couldn't accept we'd lost. 212 00:10:10,229 --> 00:10:12,986 So I drove us 90 miles to contest the results 213 00:10:12,986 --> 00:10:15,145 with the National Figure Skating Association. 214 00:10:15,145 --> 00:10:17,463 Hey! You're not supposed to fall asleep with a concussion. 215 00:10:17,463 --> 00:10:19,501 Here. We can jam out to this. 216 00:10:19,501 --> 00:10:22,139 Warner Books On Tape presents 217 00:10:22,139 --> 00:10:26,813 John Houseman reading Elements of Style. 218 00:10:26,813 --> 00:10:28,611 Chapter One. 219 00:10:28,611 --> 00:10:32,607 Forming the possessive singular of nouns 220 00:10:32,607 --> 00:10:34,765 by adding apostrophe "S." 221 00:10:34,765 --> 00:10:36,003 All right! 222 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,443 But it was all for nothing. 223 00:10:37,443 --> 00:10:40,280 The association refused to change our score. 224 00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:43,037 Wow, Stan, you have a real problem with competition. 225 00:10:43,037 --> 00:10:45,235 There's no way you can enter that contest. 226 00:10:45,235 --> 00:10:47,193 You're right. I'm not gonna put 227 00:10:47,193 --> 00:10:50,429 my wife's life in danger just for a set of wigs. 228 00:10:50,429 --> 00:10:53,467 -Come again? -The prize is a lousy set of wigs. 229 00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:56,344 -The prize is a set of wigs? -Yes. 230 00:10:56,344 --> 00:10:58,302 Wigs you'd probably just put in the attic 231 00:10:58,302 --> 00:10:59,781 and never check on to see if anyone 232 00:10:59,781 --> 00:11:01,218 were playing with them, 233 00:11:01,218 --> 00:11:02,658 or borrowing them to audition for the community theater? 234 00:11:02,658 --> 00:11:04,296 Exactly. 235 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:06,573 Stan, you've got to skate in this competition for Francine. 236 00:11:06,573 --> 00:11:08,172 She hasn't been this happy in ages. 237 00:11:08,172 --> 00:11:09,930 But you just said I shouldn't. 238 00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:13,127 That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish! 239 00:11:13,127 --> 00:11:14,525 Bad Stan! 240 00:11:14,525 --> 00:11:17,122 Oh, oh, I meant to say, "Bad Stan!" and then slap you. 241 00:11:17,122 --> 00:11:19,241 Bad Stan! 242 00:11:19,241 --> 00:11:21,039 I don't know. I like it both ways. 243 00:11:21,039 --> 00:11:24,075 And so Stan fought his competitive urges 244 00:11:24,075 --> 00:11:27,911 as long as he could, but it was a losing battle. 245 00:11:27,911 --> 00:11:29,910 And now give me an RBO Choctaw! 246 00:11:29,910 --> 00:11:32,028 -I'm sorry. -Is that the one where-- 247 00:11:32,028 --> 00:11:33,466 It's a simple footwork sequence 248 00:11:33,466 --> 00:11:35,584 going from your right outer edge skating backward 249 00:11:35,584 --> 00:11:37,103 to your left inner edge skating forward! 250 00:11:37,103 --> 00:11:38,582 Damn it, Francine! 251 00:11:38,582 --> 00:11:40,859 What's so hard about doing it flawlessly the first time? 252 00:11:40,859 --> 00:11:44,095 Ugh! She's as graceful as a frozen turd. 253 00:11:45,815 --> 00:11:47,812 Don't worry, babies. Help is on the way. 254 00:11:51,409 --> 00:11:53,447 Can you guys believe it? 255 00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:55,844 We're about to skinny-dip with Svetlana. 256 00:11:55,844 --> 00:11:57,922 I've never seen a naked woman before. 257 00:11:57,922 --> 00:11:59,440 There's no shame in that, Snot. 258 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:01,599 In fact, now that we're about to see one, 259 00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:03,078 I can admit that my story 260 00:12:03,078 --> 00:12:05,474 about the naked lady who drove me home from the library 261 00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,232 was not entirely true. 262 00:12:10,869 --> 00:12:14,266 Boys are ready? 263 00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:16,983 I'm naked! 264 00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:20,500 Come on, Sveti! Ditch the suit! 265 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,497 Marriage is business contract. I must protect my interests. 266 00:12:23,497 --> 00:12:26,134 -Where did you hear that garbage? -It's not garbage. 267 00:12:26,134 --> 00:12:28,013 I found her living in your closet, Steve. 268 00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:30,610 She's a Russian bride, not a Russian whore. 269 00:12:30,610 --> 00:12:32,808 She doesn't have to act like a whore until one of you marries her. 270 00:12:32,808 --> 00:12:34,805 But you're not married, and you're a total whore! 271 00:12:34,805 --> 00:12:36,644 That's because I was born in America! 272 00:12:38,082 --> 00:12:40,519 Well, there's only one way to settle this. 273 00:12:40,519 --> 00:12:43,916 Whoever holds his breath longest gets to marry her. 274 00:12:53,347 --> 00:12:56,504 Well, Snot wins. I guess he just wanted it more. 275 00:13:01,897 --> 00:13:03,137 At this part of our routine, 276 00:13:03,137 --> 00:13:05,415 I want you to do a Salchow from a Mohawk entry. 277 00:13:05,415 --> 00:13:07,572 -Is that something I can even do? -Sure it is. Watch. 278 00:13:09,930 --> 00:13:10,930 Ow! 279 00:13:12,048 --> 00:13:14,245 -Can we take five? -Take five? 280 00:13:14,245 --> 00:13:15,764 Maybe you should take the whole afternoon. 281 00:13:15,764 --> 00:13:17,203 Maybe you should take a whole lifetime. 282 00:13:17,203 --> 00:13:18,602 'Cause that's how long it takes to grow 283 00:13:18,602 --> 00:13:20,200 the guts figure-skating demands. 284 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,478 God, Stan! It's not the Olympics. 285 00:13:22,478 --> 00:13:23,756 Wait. Is it? 286 00:13:27,832 --> 00:13:29,630 No, it's not. 287 00:13:29,630 --> 00:13:32,108 What am I doing? This is a friendly competition. 288 00:13:32,108 --> 00:13:34,585 It's not about winning. It's all about fun. 289 00:13:34,585 --> 00:13:36,544 We're gonna take first place for sure. 290 00:13:36,544 --> 00:13:37,542 Oh, there it is. 291 00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:38,621 It just became about winning again. 292 00:13:38,621 --> 00:13:39,980 We don't have a chance! 293 00:13:47,692 --> 00:13:49,211 You're... 294 00:13:49,211 --> 00:13:50,649 You're magnificent. 295 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,846 -Hello. -Roger! 296 00:13:53,846 --> 00:13:56,563 -Where did you learn to skate? -On my planet. 297 00:13:56,563 --> 00:13:58,801 You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? 298 00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,800 You say you have, but you really haven't. 299 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,958 Look, if you skate with me, we can't lose. 300 00:14:02,958 --> 00:14:04,356 How about it, partner? 301 00:14:05,954 --> 00:14:07,033 Help me up, Stan. 302 00:14:11,748 --> 00:14:13,746 Okay. She's just gonna sit there. That's okay. 303 00:14:13,746 --> 00:14:15,345 This is her issue, her drama. 304 00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:16,903 Okay, we're making the turn. 305 00:14:16,903 --> 00:14:18,821 We're heading back. Just stay focused. Don't look at her. 306 00:14:18,821 --> 00:14:20,060 Oh, should I trip over her? 307 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,739 Would that be funny? Or would that be mean? 308 00:14:21,739 --> 00:14:24,135 Funny or mean? Funny or mean? Stan? 309 00:14:24,135 --> 00:14:25,614 Oh, too late! We passed her. 310 00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:31,888 This is the first time 311 00:14:31,888 --> 00:14:34,326 in 20 winters we've done anything together! 312 00:14:34,326 --> 00:14:37,203 And now you're dumping me to skate with Roger? 313 00:14:37,203 --> 00:14:38,841 Why, Stan? Why? 314 00:14:38,841 --> 00:14:41,438 -Well, honey, I-- -I'll tell you why! 315 00:14:41,438 --> 00:14:43,397 Because winning some stupid contest means 316 00:14:43,397 --> 00:14:45,115 more to you than your own wife! 317 00:14:45,115 --> 00:14:46,513 Yes, thank you. 318 00:14:46,513 --> 00:14:48,551 That would have sounded awful coming out of my mouth. 319 00:14:48,551 --> 00:14:49,630 Well, now that's settled, 320 00:14:49,630 --> 00:14:51,309 how about we watch some skating tapes? 321 00:14:51,309 --> 00:14:53,107 I've got Hartshorn and Sweiding 322 00:14:53,107 --> 00:14:55,784 debuting their "Mustang Sally" routine in Berlin. 323 00:14:55,784 --> 00:14:57,023 God, really? 324 00:14:57,023 --> 00:14:58,462 Hey, how's the slow motion on your machine? 325 00:14:58,462 --> 00:14:59,900 'Cause we could watch it in our bedroom. 326 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,657 I don't really like to use slo-mo or pause it or anything, 327 00:15:02,657 --> 00:15:03,936 'cause that's hard on the tape. 328 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:05,015 It's my only copy, and-- 329 00:15:05,015 --> 00:15:06,373 Stop talking. I totally get it. 330 00:15:10,130 --> 00:15:12,848 Stan and Roger practiced relentlessly. 331 00:15:12,848 --> 00:15:14,446 But Stan was about to learn 332 00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:16,124 that the swishy alien's passion 333 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:19,281 for winning was even greater than his own. 334 00:15:19,281 --> 00:15:23,477 Stop, stop, stop! You do know the competition's tomorrow, don't you? 335 00:15:23,477 --> 00:15:25,714 -Yeah, of course. -Okay. Okay, good. 336 00:15:25,714 --> 00:15:28,192 Then why are you skating like a wiener? 337 00:15:28,192 --> 00:15:31,428 -Don't I do a Salchow right there? -You call that a Salchow? 338 00:15:31,428 --> 00:15:33,986 It looks like you have mad Salchow disease! 339 00:15:33,986 --> 00:15:35,185 That's right. Your skating 340 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,542 has a spongiform encephalopathy, bitch! 341 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:42,217 Ah, my beauties, my tranquil beauties, calm me. 342 00:15:42,217 --> 00:15:45,015 More friend than hairpiece. I thank you. 343 00:15:47,692 --> 00:15:50,370 Oh, great. Sliced it. Are you even there? 344 00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:53,566 Uh, Father? Are you gonna marry us or what? 345 00:15:53,566 --> 00:15:55,684 Well, you did buy me this bucket of balls. 346 00:15:55,684 --> 00:15:58,521 I can't believe I'm giving you away on your wedding day. 347 00:15:58,521 --> 00:16:01,957 Oh, seems like just yesterday you popped out of that box, 348 00:16:01,957 --> 00:16:03,995 and I was planning to have sex with you. 349 00:16:03,995 --> 00:16:05,115 Sunrise, sunset. 350 00:16:06,793 --> 00:16:08,751 Baby, you're gonna shine tonight. 351 00:16:08,751 --> 00:16:10,629 Shine the stars down from heaven. 352 00:16:10,629 --> 00:16:13,586 -Roger, we're on in five. Ready? -I was born ready. 353 00:16:13,586 --> 00:16:16,104 My eyelashes, alas, were not. 354 00:16:16,104 --> 00:16:18,022 -There. How do I look? -Great. 355 00:16:18,022 --> 00:16:19,421 Let's check out our competition. 356 00:16:23,336 --> 00:16:26,053 Hah! She fell 'cause she was trying to hold up her husband. 357 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:27,373 Smooth move, doofus! 358 00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,727 Well, it doesn't look like it's dampening their spirits. 359 00:16:32,727 --> 00:16:34,805 That's because they practically are spirits. 360 00:16:35,165 --> 00:16:36,284 Mmm. 361 00:16:38,282 --> 00:16:42,318 Hey, losers! Die already! Earth belongs to the young! 362 00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:45,315 Hey! Maybe the score is not important to them. 363 00:16:45,315 --> 00:16:48,831 Maybe being there for each other is what counts. 364 00:16:48,831 --> 00:16:51,268 -I can't skate with you, Roger. -What are you talking about? 365 00:16:51,268 --> 00:16:53,227 I want to skate with Francine. 366 00:16:53,227 --> 00:16:55,903 You can't do this to me. You can't leave me here. 367 00:16:55,903 --> 00:16:58,821 Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking! 368 00:16:58,821 --> 00:17:01,499 Can you keep it down? Huh? No one's looking at you. 369 00:17:01,499 --> 00:17:03,417 We're trying to watch the skating here. 370 00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:06,373 Everyone's looking! 371 00:17:19,161 --> 00:17:21,439 I'm coming for you, Francine! 372 00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,828 Hey, buddy. You want to ride inside the bus? 373 00:17:31,828 --> 00:17:32,748 There's no time! 374 00:17:36,743 --> 00:17:38,981 I'm coming for you, Francine! 375 00:17:42,817 --> 00:17:45,015 I'll try C-9. 376 00:17:45,015 --> 00:17:46,653 -Miss. -Hey, wow! 377 00:17:46,653 --> 00:17:48,372 If you sink my battleship, 378 00:17:48,372 --> 00:17:50,889 I should have to take off a piece of armor! 379 00:17:50,889 --> 00:17:52,407 We're not playing strip Battleship. 380 00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:53,807 Of course we're not. No, no. 381 00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:55,885 Francine! I've been a fool! 382 00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:57,602 Please, skate with me. 383 00:17:57,602 --> 00:18:00,400 Forget it, Stan. I'm tired of feeling abandoned. 384 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,599 Darling, I've changed. 385 00:18:01,599 --> 00:18:03,637 Let me show you how much I care about you. 386 00:18:03,637 --> 00:18:04,675 No way. 387 00:18:04,675 --> 00:18:06,074 Clifford, take her down with a tranq. 388 00:18:07,273 --> 00:18:08,392 You know, she was trying to 389 00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:09,670 get me to play strip Battleship. 390 00:18:09,670 --> 00:18:12,148 I said no! 391 00:18:12,148 --> 00:18:15,345 Okay, do you, Snot, take Svetlana to be your wife? 392 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,663 -I do. -Swell. 393 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,902 Do you, Svetlana, take Snot to be your-- 394 00:18:18,902 --> 00:18:20,859 You speak Russian? 395 00:18:43,076 --> 00:18:44,155 Nyet. 396 00:18:44,715 --> 00:18:46,753 Mmm! 397 00:18:46,753 --> 00:18:49,070 Now skating their Mamma Mia fantasy, 398 00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:50,430 Stan and Francine Smith. 399 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,148 ♪ Mamma mia Here I go again ♪ 400 00:18:53,906 --> 00:18:55,544 -Honey, wake up. -We're at the ice rink. 401 00:18:55,544 --> 00:18:58,342 -My casserole? -No, honey. We're skating together in a contest. 402 00:18:58,342 --> 00:19:01,458 -But it's just for fun, so I can show you I love you. -Bastard! 403 00:19:04,575 --> 00:19:06,134 Come on, honey. I just wanted to show you 404 00:19:06,134 --> 00:19:07,852 that you're more important to me than winning. 405 00:19:07,852 --> 00:19:09,811 Wait. So he's skating with Roger? 406 00:19:09,811 --> 00:19:11,649 No. He's skating with Francine. 407 00:19:11,649 --> 00:19:12,847 When did that happen? 408 00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,565 When you went to the bathroom. 409 00:19:14,565 --> 00:19:16,923 Y ou didn't stop telling the story when I was in the bathroom? 410 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,442 I told you not to go. 411 00:19:18,442 --> 00:19:20,120 And I told you to light a match. 412 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,556 How does a boy this small make a smell that large? 413 00:19:23,556 --> 00:19:26,874 I'm sorry for abandoning you, Francine. And I don't just mean this competition. 414 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,151 Huh? 415 00:19:28,151 --> 00:19:29,350 I mean, for all those winters I left you alone. 416 00:19:30,309 --> 00:19:32,628 Hmm. 417 00:19:32,628 --> 00:19:34,746 All I want is to be with you, Stan. 418 00:19:34,746 --> 00:19:36,424 That's all I want, too. 419 00:19:36,424 --> 00:19:39,021 I don't care if I'm a loser every day for the rest of my life, 420 00:19:39,021 --> 00:19:41,778 just as long as I get to lose with you. 421 00:19:41,778 --> 00:19:43,536 Come on. Let's go home. 422 00:19:43,536 --> 00:19:45,375 Don't you want to see our scores? 423 00:19:45,375 --> 00:19:48,291 -Who cares? I already won. -Mmm. 424 00:19:48,291 --> 00:19:49,410 That was my song! 425 00:19:49,410 --> 00:19:51,090 The masses should be cheering for me! 426 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,086 Damn it, this isn't over. Not by a long shot! 427 00:19:55,924 --> 00:19:58,681 -You won, Roger? -Of course. I'm the best. 428 00:19:58,681 --> 00:19:59,760 How'd you find a partner? 429 00:20:00,719 --> 00:20:05,035 Ow! Why? Why? 430 00:20:07,353 --> 00:20:09,390 Greg, keep your head up, for God's sake! 431 00:20:10,549 --> 00:20:13,587 And they all lived happily ever after. 432 00:20:15,066 --> 00:20:16,984 Hey, Grandpa. Were you ever a shark? 433 00:20:16,984 --> 00:20:18,742 Yes! I was two sharks and a monkey! 434 00:20:18,742 --> 00:20:19,741 Now shut up and go to bed! 435 00:20:46,833 --> 00:20:48,592 Captions by Point.360