1 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:07,298 "What are some of your greatest contributions to the CIA?" 2 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,425 Pass. 3 00:00:08,426 --> 00:00:10,260 - "Long-term goals?" - Pass. 4 00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,095 - "Biggest strengths." - Pass. 5 00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:14,848 - "Greatest weakness." - Oh, man. Where to begin? 6 00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,101 I don't know how to turn on my computer, for one. Actually, pass. 7 00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:21,688 I don't think you're gonna be able to pass on every single question. 8 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:24,274 Well, how many passes do you get in a performance review? 9 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:27,444 I don't know. I want to say, like, 12. 10 00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:28,529 [clattering] 11 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,451 Explain me this. 12 00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:37,454 How is it that I absolutely plaster this town with flyers, 13 00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,956 but still not a single person shows up to see 14 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:44,127 my Cherry Poppin' Daddies tribute band, The Hymen Bustin' Fathers? 15 00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:47,464 Roger, please. I'm practicing for my performance review at work, 16 00:00:47,465 --> 00:00:49,799 - and I really need to... - [crunching] 17 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,343 Why do you need to practice for a performance review? 18 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:53,803 I'm not great off the cuff. 19 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:56,139 I get all nervous and go blank when I'm not prepared. 20 00:00:56,140 --> 00:00:57,891 Not me. I'm good on my feet. 21 00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,726 [both] And even better on my knees. 22 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,978 I am so sick of that joke. 23 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,688 Anyway, say no more, Stan. 24 00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:07,025 Really, say no more, because all he ever does is complain. 25 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:08,151 Don't involve me in this. 26 00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:10,320 - Okay, let's-- - Can't chat now anyway. 27 00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:14,657 Got to work on my tap-dancing for my big community theater audition. 28 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,367 Please, if I could have some quiet... 29 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,244 I got these fat little kangaroo legs. 30 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,163 Not ideal for funk tap. 31 00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:23,500 I'm all knee. Not like you, Stan. You've got dancer's legs. 32 00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,836 - Big muscular tree trunks. Mighty oaks. - Shut up! 33 00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,838 Why do you always have to be such a nuisance? 34 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,174 You're not exactly perfect yourself, Stan. 35 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,010 You put my zoot suit in the dryer, shrunk the hell out of it. 36 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:36,054 - I look ridiculous. - That's my zoot suit. 37 00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:38,181 Well, it fits me better. 38 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:41,893 Ugh. Come on, Francine. Let's go somewhere Roger can't bother us. 39 00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,605 Why didn't you come see my Cherry Poppin' Daddies tribute band, 40 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,525 - The Hymen Bustin' Fathers? - Please stop saying that. 41 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:50,610 [♪ theme song playing] 42 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,028 [tapping] 43 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,905 What's that sound? 44 00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:57,701 Check it out, Rogu. I think these shoes are even louder than my old ones. 45 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,119 [♪ upbeat music playing] 46 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,207 [slurping] Mmm, mmm, mmm. 47 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,876 {\an8}I'm good on my feet, but even better on my knees. 48 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,086 [laughing] 49 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,171 [crunching] 50 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,093 [muffled yelling] 51 00:02:15,094 --> 00:02:17,971 He's so annoying and he's always around. 52 00:02:17,972 --> 00:02:19,682 - It's like... - Hold that thought. 53 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,727 {\an8}♪ Good morning, USA ♪ 54 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,062 {\an8}Okay, you were saying? 55 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:27,772 {\an8}It's like I can't even remember anymore 56 00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,732 {\an8}why we ever became friends in the first place. 57 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:35,071 {\an8}Well, when you first met all those years ago at Area 51, he saved... 58 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,906 {\an8}No, no need for that. 59 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,908 {\an8}He saved my life at Area 51, 60 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,828 {\an8}so we escaped together in a laundry truck, drove back to Virginia 61 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,581 {\an8}in a stolen PT Cruiser, and I let him live with us. 62 00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,417 {\an8}Eventually repaid my life debt by saving his. 63 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,460 {\an8}Yada, yada, yada. Because we were really friends. 64 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:52,589 {\an8}But why, Franny, my baby? Why are we friends? 65 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:55,425 {\an8}That's what I just can't remember after all these years together. 66 00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:57,677 {\an8}Everything he does gets on my nerves these days. 67 00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,972 {\an8}The way he eats, the way he walks. Scratch that. Waddles. 68 00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,807 {\an8}Oh, my God, that voice. 69 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:05,351 {\an8}Wow. This is devastating stuff. 70 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,813 {\an8}He's rude, he's selfish, he's clumsy and he's always snooping. 71 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:10,440 {\an8}Okay. Those last two are not-- 72 00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:11,692 {\an8}[screams] 73 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,278 {\an8}[groans] 74 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,530 {\an8}You can't remember why we're friends anymore? 75 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,116 {\an8}- Well, same here. - Are we even friends? 76 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,784 {\an8}Friends do things for each other. 77 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,828 {\an8}What do you ever do for me besides annoy me? 78 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,371 {\an8}What do you ever do for me? 79 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,625 {\an8}Maybe what you two need is some time alone together 80 00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:31,044 {\an8}to rediscover why you're friends. 81 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,171 {\an8}A desert island situation. 82 00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:36,466 {\an8}Please don't take offense at this, but, Francine, you absolute fool. 83 00:03:36,467 --> 00:03:38,051 {\an8}More time together? 84 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:40,637 {\an8}What I need is to get him as far away from me as possible. 85 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:43,348 {\an8}Well, for once, I actually agree with this piece of shit. 86 00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:44,974 {\an8}You're the piece of shit. 87 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:47,143 {\an8}So, how about I go ahead and check myself into a hotel, then? 88 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,355 {\an8}- Perfect. I'll even drive you there. - Well, thank you so very much. 89 00:03:50,356 --> 00:03:52,315 {\an8}We should swing by Arby's on the way. 90 00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:55,319 {\an8}Great idea. I think it's five for five Beef 'n Cheddars. 91 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,572 {\an8}I feel like I should do something funny. 92 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:00,990 {\an8}[squeaking softly] 93 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,076 Is this it? 94 00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:07,246 [sighs] 95 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:11,000 Maybe all I really can do is just give it some time. 96 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:13,002 Hey, thanks for listening, Klaus. 97 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:18,049 {\an8}Steve, are you talking to the paper-mache sculpture of me 98 00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,177 {\an8}Jurgen made for his court-mandated art therapy class? 99 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,262 Sculpture? 100 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,555 Wow. 101 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,432 I guess I was just so preoccupied with... 102 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,892 {\an8}Oh, something weighing on you? 103 00:04:27,893 --> 00:04:30,728 {\an8}You know I'm this family's sounding board. 104 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:34,607 {\an8}- Lay it on me, bro. - Well, I could use a sympathetic ear. 105 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,025 So, there's this girl. 106 00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:38,027 Oh... 107 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:39,989 Nice. Pound it. 108 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,784 And I'm confused about where we... 109 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,411 {\an8}- What's her name? - Kelsey. 110 00:04:46,412 --> 00:04:48,037 {\an8}Oh... 111 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:50,540 {\an8}- Does she have big ones? - You know, maybe I should talk to... 112 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:53,209 {\an8}So here's what we do. Fake mugging. 113 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,545 Then you swoop in and be the hero. 114 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:57,880 Worked like a charm for my boy Squirts. 115 00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,799 I mean, he actually went to jail for a while, 116 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,927 but there's all these crazy chicks who write to inmates and stuff. 117 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,637 Crazy hot chicks. 118 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,391 I'll reach out to Squirts and see if he has any pointers. 119 00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:13,479 God, you drive so bad. You drive so stupid. 120 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,398 I cannot wait to be rid of you. 121 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,400 Everything about you, just yuck. 122 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,152 All your stupid little characters. 123 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,779 "Francine, I realize now I was wrong." 124 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,741 Stupido McDumbass, Douche Inspector. 125 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,409 That's actually not a bad character idea. 126 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,244 Ugh. You're the absolute worst. 127 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:31,247 You are so loathsome. How I loathe you. 128 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:32,582 I despise you. 129 00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:35,084 Your name should be Lindsay Loathe-han. 130 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:38,629 If you were a movie, your name should be Despise Like Us. 131 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,339 That is so dumb, 132 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,259 which is why it just makes so much sense that you would say it. 133 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,969 - [groans] - [♪ rock music playing on radio] 134 00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,346 {\an8}- Oh, sweet. - Ugh. I'm so sick of this song. 135 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,517 {\an8}"Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors? You have the worst taste. 136 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,853 {\an8}- [song switches] - "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by the Spin Doctors. 137 00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:56,814 - Now that's music. - My car, my song. 138 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,401 [song switching back and forth on radio] 139 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:07,283 ♪ Princes who adore you... ♪ 140 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:08,826 ♪ Little Miss, Little Miss... ♪ 141 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,453 Aargh! I can't stand you! 142 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,788 [horn honking] 143 00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,248 [tires squealing] 144 00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,969 Wow. Not a scratch on us. 145 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,223 [train horn blaring] 146 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,058 [groaning] 147 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:36,229 [Stan weakly] Is Roger okay? 148 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,397 - Kind of. - [Stan] Shit. 149 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:42,193 Those asshats at the regular hospital pronounced you both dead, 150 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,653 so I brought you here. 151 00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:46,197 Now, I did have to employ 152 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:49,158 some unorthodox measures, 153 00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:52,328 but it was the only way I could save you. 154 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,955 [Stan] Mirror. 155 00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:56,874 Just know that it may take some time for you to adjust to. 156 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,960 [Stan] Mirror. 157 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,006 Oh, I look fine. And you gave me a haircut. 158 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:05,926 - Nice. - [Roger] Down here, Stan. 159 00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:11,431 [all screaming] 160 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,268 [♪ theme song playing] 161 00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,603 - ♪ Good morning, USA ♪ - [screams] 162 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:20,523 Oh, God. Aah! I thought it was all just a nightmare. 163 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:21,858 [breathing heavily] 164 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:22,943 No. 165 00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,278 {\an8}- [spits] - Aah! 166 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,780 {\an8}Watch it. You splashed me, you brute. 167 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,907 {\an8}Hey, can't quite reach my Acqua Di Gio. 168 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,200 {\an8}You already put some on. 169 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,828 {\an8}Yeah, but I like to use a lot. 170 00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:35,204 I'm happy right here. 171 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,707 [straining] 172 00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,294 [groans] 173 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,045 No bacon. I'm a pescatarian. 174 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:46,299 Plus, I just can't have you putting that kind of garbage in our body, Stan. 175 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,384 Oh, my God. I can't live like... 176 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:49,886 [belches] 177 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,637 What the hell are you doing? 178 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,390 You think this is a walk in the park for me? I'm taking the edge off. 179 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,474 [hiccups] Damn it, Roger. 180 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,268 I've got my performance review today. 181 00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,645 - I can't show up to work drunk. - Whatever. 182 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,398 - That's it. I'm cutting you out. - Stan, stop. 183 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,735 Listen. Maybe this is just what you two need. 184 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,987 Your desert island situation. 185 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:11,657 A chance to rediscover why you're friends. 186 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,577 I guess maybe I could feed you some good answers 187 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,495 at your performance review. 188 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,832 And then we could use those big, burly legs of yours to nail my audition. 189 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,586 I suppose we have, at times, made a pretty good team in the past. 190 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,172 Maybe this could all be for the best? 191 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,757 Best friends? 192 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:30,301 - The best of friends? - The very best. 193 00:08:30,302 --> 00:08:31,844 - Are we doing this? - I think so. 194 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,513 - Are we [bleep] doing this? - Hell, yeah, we're doing this. 195 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,182 [both] Oi, oi, oi, oi! 196 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,600 Whoo! 197 00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:40,436 Hey, look what I can do. Tickle, tickle, tickle. 198 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,938 [laughs] 199 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:43,023 Stop. 200 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,692 Okay, Steve, small kink in your plan 201 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,946 to have my boy Squirts help you get that girl with the big ones. 202 00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:52,782 He apparently died seven years ago. 203 00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:55,368 {\an8}- What do you have behind your back? - Nothing. 204 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:59,372 Telescoping-driving-cane- with-articulating- grabber-attachment. 205 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,791 Whoa! Were you talking to that thing? 206 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:06,671 I'm sorry, but honestly, it's kind of a better listener than you. 207 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,339 [gasps] 208 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:12,635 You just always butt in or miss the point or make that sound. 209 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,972 - What sound? - If anyone even mentions a woman... 210 00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:17,807 Oh... 211 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:20,559 {\an8}- Hey, Steve, you done with Good Klaus? - Good Klaus? 212 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,229 {\an8}Ooh, it's Bad Klaus. 213 00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,897 {\an8}Well, cat's out of the bag, I guess. 214 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,149 {\an8}I... What? You talk to it too? 215 00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,485 Yeah, and I really need to vent right now. 216 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,821 Jeff's home sick today, and he's driving me crazy. 217 00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,322 Home sick from what? 218 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,366 You know, following that turtle around the neighborhood. 219 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,159 I got dibs after Hayley. 220 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:41,163 And, guys, please don't leave Good Klaus just lying around. 221 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:44,333 I found Rogu being inappropriate with it. 222 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,545 And we don't want it to end up like that old teddy bear of his. 223 00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:50,172 He literally tore that thing a new A-hole. 224 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,091 Okay. I'll put him in his room when I'm done. 225 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,592 His room? 226 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,053 Yeah, we kinda gave him the spare guest room. 227 00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,264 Shares a Jack-and-Jill bath with Dad's office. 228 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,100 {\an8}What? There's a... Okay, never mind that. 229 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:04,562 {\an8}Just talk to me, though, not that thing. 230 00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:06,522 {\an8}I'm this family's sounding board. 231 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:09,026 Talk to me! 232 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,320 Now, where were we? 233 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,700 - How you feeling, bud? - Feeling good. 234 00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,368 Feeling good 'cause you're here, buddy. 235 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:22,204 {\an8}I got you, pal. I know how to chop it up with Bullock. 236 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:25,416 - [Bullock] Smith. - [both] Go time. 237 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,085 My records indicate that you missed 238 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,047 112 days of work last year. 239 00:10:31,048 --> 00:10:33,924 - Where were you all that time? - [Roger] Mostly with your mom. 240 00:10:33,925 --> 00:10:35,760 Mostly with your mom. What? 241 00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:38,721 - What? - Your mambo teacher. 242 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,931 Mostly with your mambo teacher. 243 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:45,978 My mambo teacher is a saint. How dare you? 244 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:50,066 [sighs] Now, what do you consider your biggest strength? 245 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:53,069 [Roger] Say, "I'm good on my feet, but even better on my knees." 246 00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:54,403 What? No. 247 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,821 - [Roger] Say it. He'll think it's funny. - No. 248 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,783 - No what? - No one's better than me at-- 249 00:10:58,784 --> 00:11:00,076 [apple crunching] 250 00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,994 Excuse me. 251 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,747 {\an8}- Be quiet in there. - Why are you ignoring my suggestions? 252 00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,457 Because your suggestions suck. 253 00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:09,251 - [Roger] You suck. - I what? 254 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:12,588 Nothing. How about I tell you some of my greatest weaknesses? 255 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,257 [Roger belches] 256 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,760 A little liquid lunch. 257 00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:20,429 Just like in the old days, huh? 258 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,140 Are you offering me a beer? 259 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,433 - Yes. - [Roger] No. 260 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,602 One moment, please. 261 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,356 [Stan and Roger whispering] 262 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,193 You can have a pumpkin ale. 263 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,947 Get the hell out of my office, you bastard! 264 00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:40,366 - You totally screwed me in there. - Oh, relax. 265 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,660 I'll help you smooth things over after my audition. 266 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:45,329 I'm not leaving work now to go to your stupid audition. 267 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,539 But you promised. 268 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,624 What are you gonna do about it, belly boy? 269 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,085 [yelling] 270 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:52,879 {\an8}Uh-oh. 271 00:11:56,466 --> 00:12:00,970 Well, would you look at this? I can control Stan's legs now. 272 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:04,266 And would you look at this? Bicentennial quarter. 273 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,647 Look at you. So smug. 274 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,649 You may think you've replaced me, 275 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,903 but I'm gonna make it so the family will talk to me again. 276 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,657 Wow. You really are a good listener. 277 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,668 And now we wait. 278 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,422 Okay. 279 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,508 And you're sure you want to go ahead with the audition like this, 280 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,178 with your son in tow? 281 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:45,598 Oh, yeah. Little guy's all tuckered out. Couldn't find a sitter. 282 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,016 Won't slow me down a bit. 283 00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,560 Now, I've prepared a little tap-dance number for you. 284 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:52,688 These are auditions for The Vagina Monologues. 285 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,274 Well, a little razzle-dazzle couldn't hurt, right? 286 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,026 Certainly not. 287 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,778 [♪ upbeat music playing] 288 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,951 [groaning] 289 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,371 [grunts] 290 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,710 [groaning] 291 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,962 - [thud] - [Stan grunts] 292 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,840 [groaning] 293 00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,760 - [mumbling] - Psst. 294 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,804 Old man, you seen a baseball bat around here? 295 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,641 Baseball bat's been sent out for cleaning. 296 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:32,102 - What? - Uh, Roger, where... 297 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:34,647 You knocked me out and left work to come here? 298 00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,482 Stan, if you'll please just let me 299 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,651 {\an8}- hit you in the face with a hammer. - [both] Ow! 300 00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:41,237 You promised we'd come here, you selfish piece of-- 301 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,905 - [both] Ow! - [all gasp], 302 00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:47,160 Me, selfish? I knew being stuck with you would be a disaster. 303 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,664 [both yelling] Ow! 304 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,041 [both exclaiming] 305 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,001 [choking] 306 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,674 Aah! 307 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,927 - Crotch punch. - [both groaning] 308 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,180 [both exclaiming] 309 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,099 [both grunting] 310 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,184 Oh. 311 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,063 [train horn blaring] 312 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,523 {\an8}Good news. 313 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,943 {\an8}You survived your latest train accident intact, 314 00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:22,987 and I gave you a faux-hawk. 315 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,948 - Thanks, Doc. But listen. - Is there any way... 316 00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,534 ...that you could separate us? 317 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,451 [sighs] 318 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,788 To be honest, he didn't actually need 319 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,207 to fuse you two together in the first place. 320 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,542 Then why did you? 321 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,128 She told me you needed a desert island situation. 322 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:44,008 So I gave you a body buddy to rekindle your relationship. 323 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:47,052 It's worked wonders for me and Billy. 324 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,806 No, it hasn't. I hate you more than ever. 325 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,474 Quiet, Body-Billy. 326 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:56,812 So, yes, I can separate you. But why would you want me to? 327 00:14:56,813 --> 00:15:00,691 Because, well, we've had our desert island situation. 328 00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,402 And we still can't seem to remember why we're friends. 329 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,321 What we even do for each other. 330 00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:06,905 So maybe... 331 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,241 Maybe we're not friends. 332 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,369 Then I suppose what is needed is... 333 00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,663 [sniffles] 334 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,082 ...a best-friend-ectomy. 335 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:22,254 [Klaus] Okay. Maybe I should have thought this through a little better. 336 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,673 No one's come to talk to me yet. 337 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,593 Getting pretty hungry. 338 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,348 Good Klaus, we need to talk. 339 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:37,019 [Klaus] Ooh, here we go. Gentleman, singular, start your listening. 340 00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:40,773 - It's about Bad Klaus. - Real Klaus. 341 00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:43,108 As much of an improvement as you are over him 342 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:45,277 and as much as we like you... 343 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,364 - So much more than Bad Klaus. - Much, much more than him. 344 00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:50,699 [Klaus] Okay, not loving this. 345 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,493 He's still family. 346 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:56,455 And we decided that keeping you around is just too hurtful to him. 347 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,539 [Klaus] Oh, hell, yeah. 348 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,084 Okay, we'd better destroy this thing. 349 00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,711 Otherwise it'll be too tempting to go back to it. 350 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,213 - [Klaus] What now? - Right. 351 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:07,257 Let's just toss it to Rogu. He'll make short work of it. 352 00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:10,219 [Klaus] No, wait. It's me, Bad Klaus. 353 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:14,307 Can't even grunt. Swallowed too much glue. 354 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,143 Wait! Help! 355 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,478 Oh, God. 356 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,105 Ooh! 357 00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:23,649 Orangey, orangey. 358 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,401 [Klaus] No, no! 359 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:29,321 [screaming] No! 360 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:32,825 Okay, then. Best of luck to you. Have a nice eternity. 361 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,743 You too. 362 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:37,746 And tell the family, I don't know, goodbye forever from me, or whatever. 363 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:38,832 It's been real. 364 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,087 ♪ If you want to buy me flowers ♪ 365 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:48,007 ♪ Just go ahead now And if you... ♪ 366 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,011 ♪ And that's some bread now This one... ♪ 367 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,782 All clear. You can come out now. Sit up front if you want. 368 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,950 I'm good back here. 369 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,202 So you're really gonna let me live with you? 370 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:20,122 I'm a man of my word. We've got a bomb shelter out back. 371 00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:22,332 I can leave groceries for you once a month. 372 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,793 Cool, cool. 373 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,716 So, what's space like? 374 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,801 It's all right. A lot of hydrogen. 375 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:36,138 And what kind of things do you like to get up to out there? 376 00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,222 [sighs] 377 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:40,143 Glorxnars. I like glorxnars. 378 00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:43,979 We don't have to do this, you know. 379 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:48,066 I appreciate you putting me up and all, but silence is fine too. 380 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,693 Well, excuse me, baldy. 381 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,572 Whoa. Easy there, buckaroo. You're wound pretty tight, huh? 382 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:57,701 Sorry. I just... Yes, I tend to be a somewhat rigid person. 383 00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,037 Is that your finger poking around my anus? 384 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:03,707 Oh, you ain't lying, brother. You are as tight as a pencil sharpener. 385 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:07,002 Okay. If we're gonna do this, though, none of this inane small talk. 386 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,504 All right. Tell me something real. 387 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,339 Tell me, like, a deep, dark secret. 388 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,049 But my rigidity... 389 00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,884 - Come on, come on. - No, not happening. 390 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:16,512 Well, I guess there is something, but... 391 00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:20,224 - No, I can't. You'll laugh. - Probably. Okay, I'll go first. 392 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:22,851 Something personal about me? No genitals. 393 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,770 Check it out. Smooth. 394 00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,857 There is a complicated system of cartilage that can pop out in a way, but... 395 00:18:28,858 --> 00:18:32,821 Okay, one thing I've never told anyone is... 396 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,825 that I... I... 397 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:41,830 I've always wanted to try growing a chinstrap beard. 398 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,873 - You should do it. - Really? 399 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,458 Yeah, you got the chin for it. 400 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,211 Yeah, I'm picturing it, and it looks awesome. 401 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,921 Yeah? 402 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:53,382 Also, I saw my grandfather kill a man with an axe when I was nine. 403 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:56,927 And here I'd always heard that it never hurts to axe. 404 00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,262 [laughing] 405 00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:00,597 You're funny. Did you just come up with that? 406 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,559 I'm good on my feet, but even better on my knees. 407 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,977 Oh! [laughs] 408 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:09,147 - Can you even say that? - [chuckles] You're adorable. 409 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,607 ♪ Princes who adore you... ♪ 410 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:13,068 - Oh, I love this song. - Oh, me too. 411 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,778 ♪ This one got a pepper in his pockets ♪ 412 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,238 ♪ He's gonna buy you flowers ♪ 413 00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:17,698 - ♪ That's all red now ♪ - ♪ Go ahead ♪ 414 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,157 ♪ This one gotta rock and gonna rock it ♪ 415 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,742 ♪ Said he's gonna try a pocket ♪ 416 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,244 - ♪ Go to bed now ♪ - ♪ Is what it said ♪ 417 00:19:22,245 --> 00:19:23,830 [both laughing] 418 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,497 [sighs] 419 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,583 Well, this is it. 420 00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:29,751 All right. Well, guess I'll go get 421 00:19:29,752 --> 00:19:31,670 set up in the bomb shelter. 422 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:35,257 You know, we do also have some space in the attic, 423 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:38,511 if you'd, I don't know, rather stay in the house. 424 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,183 That happens sometimes when I'm happy. 425 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,686 [horn honks] 426 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,064 [multiple horns honking] 427 00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:58,655 - Stan? - Roger? 428 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,700 Oh, thank God. Listen, I remembered something. 429 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:05,120 Our friendship, it's not about anything we do for each other, 430 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,289 it's about how it feels when we're together. 431 00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:10,626 Sounds like somebody had a flashback to our first road trip. 432 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,169 I did. 433 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:15,130 I'm sorry I'd lost sight of how special our friendship is. 434 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:19,468 It was only because I'd gotten really, really, really, really sick of you. 435 00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:21,638 Oh, Stan, me too. 436 00:20:23,139 --> 00:20:25,140 I'm glad you got off that bus, Roger. 437 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,808 I had to, Stan. 438 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,771 The bus driver caught me jerking off under a blanket. 439 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,315 {\an8}Come on, pal. Let's go home. 440 00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:36,818 {\an8}[♪ sweeping instrumental music playing] 441 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,905 {\an8}[train horn blaring] 442 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:46,161 {\an8}I'm afraid this time I actually did have to fuse you together. 443 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:49,665 {\an8}Oh, well. There's no one else I'd rather be stuck with. 444 00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:51,166 {\an8}[Roger] Uh, Stan? 445 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,294 {\an8}[all screaming]