1
00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:07,339
"What are some of your
greatest contributions to the CIA?"
2
00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:08,424
Pass.
3
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,259
- "Long-term goals?"
- Pass.
4
00:00:10,260 --> 00:00:12,094
- "Biggest strengths."
- Pass.
5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,888
- "Greatest weakness."
- Oh, man. Where to begin?
6
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:18,142
I don't know how to turn on my computer,
for one. Actually, pass.
7
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,729
I don't think you're gonna be
able to pass on every single question.
8
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:24,314
Well, how many passes
do you get in a performance review?
9
00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:27,443
I don't know.
I want to say, like, 12.
10
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:28,528
[clattering]
11
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:33,991
Explain me this.
12
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:37,453
How is it that I absolutely
plaster this town with flyers,
13
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,997
but still not a single person
shows up to see
14
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:43,835
my Cherry Poppin' Daddies tribute band,
The Hymen Bustin' Fathers?
15
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,463
Roger, please. I'm practicing for my
performance review at work,
16
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,174
- and I really need to...
- [crunching]
17
00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,384
Why do you need to practice
for a performance review?
18
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,761
I'm not great off the cuff.
19
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:56,180
I get all nervous and go blank
when I'm not prepared.
20
00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:57,931
Not me. I'm good on my feet.
21
00:00:57,932 --> 00:00:59,767
[both] And even better on my knees.
22
00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:02,019
I am so sick of that joke.
23
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,729
Anyway, say no more, Stan.
24
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:07,066
Really, say no more,
because all he ever does is complain.
25
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,192
Don't involve me in this.
26
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,360
- Okay, let's--
- Can't chat now anyway.
27
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:13,823
Got to work on my tap-dancing
for my big community theater audition.
28
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,408
Please,
if I could have some quiet...
29
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,285
I got these fat little kangaroo legs.
30
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:20,162
Not ideal for funk tap.
31
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,499
I'm all knee. Not like you, Stan.
You've got dancer's legs.
32
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,877
- Big muscular tree trunks. Mighty oaks.
- Shut up!
33
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,837
Why do you always
have to be such a nuisance?
34
00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:31,173
You're not exactly
perfect yourself, Stan.
35
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,051
You put my zoot suit in the dryer,
shrunk the hell out of it.
36
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:36,095
- I look ridiculous.
- That's my zoot suit.
37
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,388
Well, it fits me better.
38
00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:41,434
Ugh. Come on, Francine. Let's go
somewhere Roger can't bother us.
39
00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,646
Why didn't you come see
my Cherry Poppin' Daddies tribute band,
40
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:48,565
- The Hymen Bustin' Fathers?
- Please stop saying that.
41
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,651
[♪ theme song playing]
42
00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:52,028
[tapping]
43
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:53,154
What's that sound?
44
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:57,742
Check it out, Rogu. I think these shoes
are even louder than my old ones.
45
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,160
[♪ upbeat music playing]
46
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:04,082
[slurping] Mmm, mmm, mmm.
47
00:02:04,332 --> 00:02:06,875
I'm good on my feet,
but even better on my knees.
48
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:08,127
[laughing]
49
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,212
[crunching]
50
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:15,134
[muffled yelling]
51
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,011
He's so annoying
and he's always around.
52
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,722
- It's like...
- Hold that thought.
53
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,726
{\an8}♪ Good morning, USA ♪
54
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:26,061
{\an8}Okay, you were saying?
55
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,813
{\an8}It's like I can't even
remember anymore
56
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,773
why we ever became friends
in the first place.
57
00:02:29,774 --> 00:02:35,112
Well, when you first met all those
years ago at Area 51, he saved...
58
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,947
{\an8}No, no need for that.
59
00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,949
{\an8}He saved my life at Area 51,
60
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:41,869
{\an8}so we escaped together in
a laundry truck, drove back to Virginia
61
00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,621
{\an8}in a stolen PT Cruiser,
and I let him live with us.
62
00:02:44,622 --> 00:02:47,416
{\an8}Eventually repaid
my life debt by saving his.
63
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,501
{\an8}Yada, yada, yada.
Because we were really friends.
64
00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,629
{\an8}But why, Franny, my baby?
Why are we friends?
65
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:55,465
{\an8}That's what I just can't remember
after all these years together.
66
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:57,718
{\an8}Everything he does
gets on my nerves these days.
67
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:01,013
{\an8}The way he eats, the way he walks.
Scratch that. Waddles.
68
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,848
{\an8}Oh, my God, that voice.
69
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,392
{\an8}Wow. This is devastating stuff.
70
00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:08,854
{\an8}He's rude, he's selfish,
he's clumsy and he's always snooping.
71
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,439
{\an8}Okay. Those last two are not--
72
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,691
{\an8}[screams]
73
00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,152
{\an8}[groans]
74
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,571
{\an8}You can't remember
why we're friends anymore?
75
00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:20,157
{\an8}- Well, same here.
- Are we even friends?
76
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,783
{\an8}Friends do things for each other.
77
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,869
{\an8}What do you ever do for me
besides annoy me?
78
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,412
{\an8}What do you ever do for me?
79
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,665
{\an8}Maybe what you two need
is some time alone together
80
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,084
{\an8}to rediscover why you're friends.
81
00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:33,212
{\an8}A desert island situation.
82
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,506
{\an8}Please don't take offense at this,
but, Francine, you absolute fool.
83
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:37,883
{\an8}More time together?
84
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,636
{\an8}What I need is to get him
as far away from me as possible.
85
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:43,388
{\an8}Well, for once, I actually
agree with this piece of shit.
86
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:44,556
{\an8}You're the piece of shit.
87
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:47,142
{\an8}So, how about I go ahead
and check myself into a hotel, then?
88
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:50,395
{\an8}- Perfect. I'll even drive you there.
- Well, thank you so very much.
89
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,356
{\an8}We should swing by
Arby's on the way.
90
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,360
{\an8}Great idea. I think
it's five for five Beef 'n Cheddars.
91
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,571
{\an8}I feel like I should
do something funny.
92
00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,031
{\an8}[squeaking softly]
93
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,116
Is this it?
94
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,040
[sighs]
95
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:13,001
Maybe all I really can do
is just give it some time.
96
00:04:13,002 --> 00:04:14,963
Hey, thanks for listening, Klaus.
97
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:20,092
Steve, are you talking
to the paper-mache sculpture of me
98
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:23,220
Jurgen made for his
court-mandated art therapy class?
99
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,305
Sculpture?
100
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:26,515
Wow.
101
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,475
I guess I was just
so preoccupied with...
102
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,935
Oh, something weighing on you?
103
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,272
You know I'm this family's
sounding board.
104
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:36,609
- Lay it on me, bro.
- Well, I could use a sympathetic ear.
105
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:37,944
So, there's this girl.
106
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,028
Oh...
107
00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:42,031
Nice. Pound it.
108
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,827
And I'm confused
about where we...
109
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,453
- What's her name?
- Kelsey.
110
00:04:48,454 --> 00:04:49,913
Oh...
111
00:04:49,914 --> 00:04:52,582
- Does she have big ones?
- You know, maybe I should talk to...
112
00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:55,210
So here's what we do.
Fake mugging.
113
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,546
Then you swoop in and be the hero.
114
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:59,881
Worked like a charm
for my boy Squirts.
115
00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:01,842
I mean, he actually
went to jail for a while,
116
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:04,970
but there's all these crazy chicks
who write to inmates and stuff.
117
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,639
Crazy hot chicks.
118
00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:09,434
I'll reach out to Squirts
and see if he has any pointers.
119
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,522
God, you drive so bad.
You drive so stupid.
120
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,399
I cannot wait to be rid of you.
121
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,402
Everything about you, just yuck.
122
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,194
All your stupid little characters.
123
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:23,781
"Francine, I realize now I was wrong."
124
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,783
Stupido McDumbass, Douche Inspector.
125
00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:28,410
That's actually
not a bad character idea.
126
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,245
Ugh. You're the absolute worst.
127
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:33,248
You are so loathsome.
How I loathe you.
128
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:34,624
I despise you.
129
00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:37,127
Your name should be
Lindsay Loathe-han.
130
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:40,672
If you were a movie,
your name should be Despise Like Us.
131
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,299
That is so dumb,
132
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:45,260
which is why it just makes
so much sense that you would say it.
133
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:47,012
- [groans]
- [♪ rock music playing on radio]
134
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,389
- Oh, sweet.
- Ugh. I'm so sick of this song.
135
00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:52,768
"Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors?
You have the worst taste.
136
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,852
[song switches]
137
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,896
"Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"
by the Spin Doctors.
138
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,857
- Now that's music.
- My car, my song.
139
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,444
[song switching back and forth on radio]
140
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,326
♪ Princes who adore you... ♪
141
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:10,869
♪ Little Miss, Little Miss... ♪
142
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,454
Aargh! I can't stand you!
143
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:13,789
[horn honking]
144
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,291
[tires squealing]
145
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,763
Wow. Not a scratch on us.
146
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,224
[train horn blaring]
147
00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:33,559
[groaning]
148
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,106
[Stan weakly] Is Roger okay?
149
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:40,941
- Kind of.
- [Stan] Shit.
150
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:44,736
Those asshats at the regular hospital
pronounced you both dead,
151
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,154
so I brought you here.
152
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:48,740
Now, I did have to employ
153
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,701
some unorthodox measures,
154
00:06:51,702 --> 00:06:54,830
but it was the only way
I could save you.
155
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:55,914
[Stan] Mirror.
156
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:59,418
Just know that it may
take some time for you to adjust to.
157
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,503
[Stan] Mirror.
158
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:06,550
Oh, I look fine.
And you gave me a haircut.
159
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,428
- Nice.
- [Roger] Down here, Stan.
160
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:13,933
[all screaming]
161
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,855
[♪ theme song playing]
162
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:21,858
- ♪ Good morning, USA ♪
- [screams]
163
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,861
Oh, God. Aah!
I thought it was all just a nightmare.
164
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,403
[breathing heavily]
165
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:27,488
No.
166
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:29,781
- [spits]
- Aah!
167
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,909
Watch it. You splashed me,
you brute.
168
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:34,453
Hey, can't quite reach
my Acqua Di Gio.
169
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,745
You already put some on.
170
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,373
Yeah, but I like to use a lot.
171
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,749
I'm happy right here.
172
00:07:39,750 --> 00:07:41,252
[straining]
173
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:44,839
[groans]
174
00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,507
No bacon. I'm a pescatarian.
175
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:50,844
Plus, I just can't have you putting
that kind of garbage in our body, Stan.
176
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,888
Oh, my God. I can't live like...
177
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,182
[belches]
178
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,640
What the hell are you doing?
179
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:58,894
You think this is a walk in the park
for me? I'm taking the edge off.
180
00:07:58,895 --> 00:07:59,978
[hiccups] Damn it, Roger.
181
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,813
I've got my performance review today.
182
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,150
- I can't show up to work drunk.
- Whatever.
183
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:06,902
- That's it. I'm cutting you out.
- Stan, stop.
184
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:10,280
Listen. Maybe this is
just what you two need.
185
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,532
Your desert island situation.
186
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:15,244
A chance to rediscover
why you're friends.
187
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:19,122
I guess maybe I could feed you
some good answers
188
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:20,582
at your performance review.
189
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:24,377
And then we could use those big, burly
legs of yours to nail my audition.
190
00:08:24,378 --> 00:08:28,131
I suppose we have, at times,
made a pretty good team in the past.
191
00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,676
Maybe this could all be for the best?
192
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,302
Best friends?
193
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,846
- The best of friends?
- The very best.
194
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,348
- Are we doing this?
- I think so.
195
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,059
- Are we [bleep] doing this?
- Hell, yeah, we're doing this.
196
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,727
[both] Oi, oi, oi, oi!
197
00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:42,103
Whoo!
198
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:44,857
Hey, look what I can do.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
199
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,483
[laughs]
200
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,568
Stop.
201
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,238
Okay, Steve,
small kink in your plan
202
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,491
to have my boy Squirts help you
get that girl with the big ones.
203
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:56,410
He apparently died
seven years ago.
204
00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:59,789
- What do you have behind your back?
- Nothing.
205
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:03,125
Telescoping-driving-cane-
with-articulating-grabber-attachment.
206
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,254
Whoa! Were you talking
to that thing?
207
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:11,216
I'm sorry, but honestly,
it's kind of a better listener than you.
208
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,300
[gasps]
209
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:17,180
You just always butt in
or miss the point or make that sound.
210
00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:20,351
- What sound?
- If anyone even mentions a woman...
211
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,310
Oh...
212
00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:25,064
- Hey, Steve, you done with Good Klaus?
- Good Klaus?
213
00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,358
Ooh, it's Bad Klaus.
214
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:29,442
Well, cat's out of the bag, I guess.
215
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,653
I... What? You talk to it too?
216
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,030
Yeah, and I really need
to vent right now.
217
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,324
Jeff's home sick today,
and he's driving me crazy.
218
00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:37,450
Home sick from what?
219
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,911
You know, following that turtle
around the neighborhood.
220
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:41,705
I got dibs after Hayley.
221
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:45,667
And, guys, please don't leave
Good Klaus just lying around.
222
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:48,878
I found Rogu being
inappropriate with it.
223
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:52,049
And we don't want it to end up
like that old teddy bear of his.
224
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,676
He literally tore that thing
a new A-hole.
225
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,636
Okay. I'll put him
in his room when I'm done.
226
00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:58,138
His room?
227
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,599
Yeah, we kinda gave him
the spare guest room.
228
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,809
Shares a Jack-and-Jill bath
with Dad's office.
229
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,645
What? There's a...
Okay, never mind that.
230
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:09,107
Just talk to me, though,
not that thing.
231
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,067
I'm this family's sounding board.
232
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,571
Talk to me!
233
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:15,865
Now, where were we?
234
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,163
- How you feeling, bud?
- Feeling good.
235
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,913
Feeling good 'cause
you're here, buddy.
236
00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:26,708
I got you, pal.
I know how to chop it up with Bullock.
237
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,253
- [Bullock] Smith.
- [both] Go time.
238
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,631
My records indicate that you missed
239
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:35,509
112 days of work last year.
240
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,470
- Where were you all that time?
- [Roger] Mostly with your mom.
241
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,222
Mostly with your mom. What?
242
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,266
- What?
- Your mambo teacher.
243
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,477
Mostly with your mambo teacher.
244
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,857
My mambo teacher is a saint.
How dare you?
245
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:54,611
[sighs] Now, what do you consider
your biggest strength?
246
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,614
[Roger] Say, "I'm good on my feet,
but even better on my knees."
247
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:58,698
What? No.
248
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,367
- [Roger] Say it. He'll think it's funny.
- No.
249
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,328
- No what?
- No one's better than me at--
250
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,579
[apple crunching]
251
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:05,665
Excuse me.
252
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:09,250
- Be quiet in there.
- Why are you ignoring my suggestions?
253
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,002
Because your suggestions suck.
254
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,922
- [Roger] You suck.
- I what?
255
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,092
Nothing. How about I tell you
some of my greatest weaknesses?
256
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,803
[Roger belches]
257
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,264
A little liquid lunch.
258
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,974
Just like in the old days, huh?
259
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,686
Are you offering me a beer?
260
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,978
{\an8}- Yes.
- [Roger] No.
261
00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:30,147
{\an8}One moment, please.
262
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,859
[Stan and Roger whispering]
263
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,738
You can have a pumpkin ale.
264
00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:42,034
Get the hell out of my office,
you bastard!
265
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,911
- You totally screwed me in there.
- Oh, relax.
266
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:47,164
I'll help you smooth things over
after my audition.
267
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:49,874
I'm not leaving work now
to go to your stupid audition.
268
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:50,959
But you promised.
269
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,128
What are you gonna do
about it, belly boy?
270
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,630
[yelling]
271
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,383
Uh-oh.
272
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:05,182
Well, would you look at this?
I can control Stan's legs now.
273
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,811
And would you look at this?
Bicentennial quarter.
274
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:16,151
Look at you. So smug.
275
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,194
You may think
you've replaced me,
276
00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:21,407
but I'm gonna make it
so the family will talk to me again.
277
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:25,202
Wow. You really are
a good listener.
278
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:36,213
And now we wait.
279
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,258
Okay.
280
00:12:40,259 --> 00:12:44,012
And you're sure you want to go ahead
with the audition like this,
281
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,348
with your son in tow?
282
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:50,143
Oh, yeah. Little guy's all tuckered out.
Couldn't find a sitter.
283
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,519
Won't slow me down a bit.
284
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,105
Now, I've prepared a little
tap-dance number for you.
285
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:57,233
These are auditions
for The Vagina Monologues.
286
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,819
Well, a little razzle-dazzle
couldn't hurt, right?
287
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,071
Certainly not.
288
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,282
[♪ upbeat music playing]
289
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,455
[groaning]
290
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:12,917
[grunts]
291
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:18,631
[groaning]
292
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,508
- [thud]
- [Stan grunts]
293
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,385
[groaning]
294
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,305
- [mumbling]
- Psst.
295
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,350
Old man, you seen
a baseball bat around here?
296
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:33,186
Baseball bat's been
sent out for cleaning.
297
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:36,148
- What?
- Uh, Roger, where...
298
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:39,192
You knocked me out
and left work to come here?
299
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,027
Stan, if you'll please just let me
300
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,863
- hit you in the face with a hammer.
- [both] Ow!
301
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,782
You promised we'd come here,
you selfish piece of--
302
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,408
- [both] Ow!
- [all gasp],
303
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:51,664
Me, selfish? I knew being stuck with you
would be a disaster.
304
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,209
[both yelling] Ow!
305
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:57,586
[both exclaiming]
306
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,547
[choking]
307
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,219
Aah!
308
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,472
- Crotch punch.
- [both groaning]
309
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,684
[both exclaiming]
310
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:14,602
[both grunting]
311
00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:15,729
Oh.
312
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,608
[train horn blaring]
313
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:24,070
Good news.
314
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:27,657
You survived your latest
train accident intact,
315
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,701
and I gave you a faux-hawk.
316
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,620
- Thanks, Doc. But listen.
- Is there any way...
317
00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:34,206
...that you could separate us?
318
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,082
[sighs]
319
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,460
To be honest,
he didn't actually need
320
00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:41,921
to fuse you two together
in the first place.
321
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,006
Then why did you?
322
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,801
She told me you needed
a desert island situation.
323
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:50,722
So I gave you a body buddy
to rekindle your relationship.
324
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,434
It's worked wonders for me and Billy.
325
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:57,520
No, it hasn't.
I hate you more than ever.
326
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,147
Quiet, Body-Billy.
327
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:03,484
So, yes, I can separate you.
But why would you want me to?
328
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:07,405
Because, well, we've had
our desert island situation.
329
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,116
And we still can't seem
to remember why we're friends.
330
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,993
What we even do for each other.
331
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,620
So maybe...
332
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:15,955
Maybe we're not friends.
333
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:19,083
Then I suppose
what is needed is...
334
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:20,377
[sniffles]
335
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:22,796
...a best-friend-ectomy.
336
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:28,968
[Klaus] Okay. Maybe I should have
thought this through a little better.
337
00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,387
No one's come to talk to me yet.
338
00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,307
Getting pretty hungry.
339
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,020
Good Klaus, we need to talk.
340
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:43,691
[Klaus] Ooh, here we go. Gentleman,
singular, start your listening.
341
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:47,487
- It's about Bad Klaus.
- Real Klaus.
342
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,822
As much of an improvement
as you are over him
343
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,991
and as much as we like you...
344
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:55,078
- So much more than Bad Klaus.
- Much, much more than him.
345
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,372
[Klaus] Okay, not loving this.
346
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,165
He's still family.
347
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:03,128
And we decided that keeping you around
is just too hurtful to him.
348
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,253
[Klaus] Oh, hell, yeah.
349
00:16:04,254 --> 00:16:06,798
Okay, we'd better
destroy this thing.
350
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,425
Otherwise it'll be too
tempting to go back to it.
351
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:10,677
- [Klaus] What now?
- Right.
352
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:13,597
Let's just toss it to Rogu.
He'll make short work of it.
353
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,891
[Klaus] No, wait.
It's me, Bad Klaus.
354
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:20,980
Can't even grunt.
Swallowed too much glue.
355
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,816
Wait! Help!
356
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,192
Oh, God.
357
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:27,819
Ooh!
358
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,363
Orangey, orangey.
359
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,073
[Klaus] No, no!
360
00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,952
[screaming] No!
361
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,539
Okay, then. Best of luck to you.
Have a nice eternity.
362
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:40,623
You too.
363
00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:44,460
And tell the family, I don't know,
goodbye forever from me, or whatever.
364
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:45,546
It's been real.
365
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:51,801
♪ If you want to buy me flowers ♪
366
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,722
♪ Just go ahead now
And if you... ♪
367
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,726
♪ And that's some bread now
This one... ♪
368
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,496
All clear. You can come out now.
Sit up front if you want.
369
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:21,664
I'm good back here.
370
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,916
So you're really gonna
let me live with you?
371
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:26,836
I'm a man of my word.
We've got a bomb shelter out back.
372
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:29,047
I can leave groceries for you
once a month.
373
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,507
Cool, cool.
374
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,430
So, what's space like?
375
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,474
It's all right. A lot of hydrogen.
376
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,852
And what kind of things
do you like to get up to out there?
377
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:43,936
[sighs]
378
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,857
Glorxnars. I like glorxnars.
379
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,693
We don't have to do this,
you know.
380
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:54,781
I appreciate you putting me up and all,
but silence is fine too.
381
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,282
Well, excuse me, baldy.
382
00:17:56,283 --> 00:18:00,286
Whoa. Easy there, buckaroo.
You're wound pretty tight, huh?
383
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:04,415
Sorry. I just... Yes, I tend to be
a somewhat rigid person.
384
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:06,751
Is that your finger
poking around my anus?
385
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,421
Oh, you ain't lying, brother.
You are as tight as a pencil sharpener.
386
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,674
Okay. If we're gonna do this, though,
none of this inane small talk.
387
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,218
All right. Tell me something real.
388
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,053
Tell me, like, a deep, dark secret.
389
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,763
But my rigidity...
390
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,598
- Come on, come on.
- No, not happening.
391
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:23,226
Well, I guess
there is something, but...
392
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:26,897
- No, I can't. You'll laugh.
- Probably. Okay, I'll go first.
393
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:29,524
Something personal
about me? No genitals.
394
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,442
Check it out. Smooth.
395
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,861
There is a complicated
system of cartilage
396
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,571
that can pop out in a way, but...
397
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:39,535
Okay, one thing
I've never told anyone is...
398
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:43,539
that I... I...
399
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,544
I've always wanted to try
growing a chinstrap beard.
400
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,587
- You should do it.
- Really?
401
00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,172
Yeah, you got the chin for it.
402
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:55,843
Yeah, I'm picturing it,
and it looks awesome.
403
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:56,968
Yeah?
404
00:18:56,969 --> 00:19:00,054
Also, I saw my grandfather
kill a man with an axe when I was nine.
405
00:19:00,055 --> 00:19:03,517
And here I'd always heard
that it never hurts to axe.
406
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:04,976
[laughing]
407
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,311
You're funny. Did you
just come up with that?
408
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,231
I'm good on my feet,
but even better on my knees.
409
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,524
Oh! [laughs]
410
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:15,195
- Can you even say that?
- [chuckles] You're adorable.
411
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,321
♪ Princes who adore you... ♪
412
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:19,740
- Oh, I love this song.
- Oh, me too.
413
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,492
♪ This one got a pepper
in his pockets ♪
414
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,869
♪ He's gonna buy you flowers ♪
415
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:24,203
- ♪ That's all red now ♪
- ♪ Go ahead ♪
416
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,872
♪ This one gotta rock
and gonna rock it ♪
417
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,290
♪ Said he's gonna
try a pocket ♪
418
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,709
- ♪ Go to bed now ♪
- ♪ Is what it said ♪
419
00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:30,544
[both laughing]
420
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,211
[sighs]
421
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,922
Well, this is it.
422
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,926
All right. Well, guess I'll go get
set up in the bomb shelter.
423
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,929
You know, we do also
have some space in the attic,
424
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,184
if you'd, I don't know,
rather stay in the house.
425
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,898
That happens sometimes
when I'm happy.
426
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:54,400
[horn honks]
427
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,778
[multiple horns honking]
428
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:05,369
- Stan?
- Roger?
429
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,414
Oh, thank God. Listen,
I remembered something.
430
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:11,834
Our friendship, it's not about
anything we do for each other,
431
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,003
it's about how it feels
when we're together.
432
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:17,340
Sounds like somebody
had a flashback to our first road trip.
433
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,549
I did.
434
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:21,802
I'm sorry I'd lost sight
of how special our friendship is.
435
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:26,182
It was only because I'd gotten really,
really, really, really sick of you.
436
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,352
Oh, Stan, me too.
437
00:20:29,853 --> 00:20:31,812
I'm glad you got off that bus, Roger.
438
00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,481
I had to, Stan.
439
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,485
The bus driver caught me
jerking off under a blanket.
440
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,738
{\an8}Come on, pal. Let's go home.
441
00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:43,158
{\an8}[♪ sweeping instrumental music playing]
442
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:45,577
{\an8}[train horn blaring]
443
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:52,501
{\an8}I'm afraid this time I actually
did have to fuse you together.
444
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,379
{\an8}Oh, well. There's no one else
I'd rather be stuck with.
445
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,798
{\an8}[Roger] Uh, Stan?
446
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,008
{\an8}[all screaming]