[ Siren wails ]
Great idea coming out to the van
for movie night, babe.
Now I can laugh as loud as I want at "Police Academy 3."
Police? In school?
[ Laughing ] I mean, what the...
Plus, we get some actual privacy.
Pipe down.
Proctor's about to accidentally enter the Blue Oyster bar.
This is a Channel 3 NewsBlast Ten Million.
Another body has been found
wearing an RB Burger bag over its head,
the seventh victim of the RB Burger Killer.
When will the grossly incompetent Langley PD,
long believed to be the inspiration
for the "Police Academy" movies,
which I'm interrupting now,
bring the RB Burger Killer to justice?
Now back to "Police Academy."
[ Gunshots, farting ]
Jeff, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah?
I've been working some heavy part-time hours over at Sub Hub,
so I have some money,
and these crazy murders have really got me thinking.
I shouldn't wait to do nice things for the people I love.
Is it happening?
Are you gonna stop talking during "Police Academy"?
You know how we could never afford wedding rings?
Well, I bought you one.
It's imitation Diamondesque,
but the ring part is real metal.
It looks like a princess's hand.
I feel bad, though.
I don't have the money to buy one for you.
Don't worry about that.
I don't expect anything from you in return.
You don't expect anything from me?
Oh, I didn't mean it like that.
What a relief!
We at RB Burger are stunned and saddened
by this recent rash of senseless killings.
We wish to offer our thoughts and prayers
to the victims and their families.
Plus, for one week, get a free small fry
with every mouthwatering RB Western Cheeseburger.
Mmm, unforgettable smokiness!
Just as those who have been killed will never be forgotten.
* Good morning, U.S.A.
* I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky has a smile on his face *
* And he's shinin' a salute to the American race *
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say
* Now that Dad is gone, I sing my go-to-school song *
* I sing my school song every day *
* La la la-la-la
I'm out, too. Big day at work.
Got to fluff the shredded lettuce
and run the turkey through the dishwasher.
I've also got a job,
fixing phone lines for Langley Bell.
Yep. I'm a pole climber now,
staring down heights and bad weather,
risking my life to keep the lines running.
Another unsung blue-collar hero.
Everyone can feel free to leave without talking, too.
Did I miss Hayley leaving for work?
Well, I scared Stan in his car and made him crash.
Should we all go back to bed?
Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
[ Sizzling ] [ Yawns ]
Did I miss "The Price Is Right"?
Yeah, there was a weirdly expensive dish soap.
$30.
Even Drew thought it was unfair.
What are you gonna do today, Mrs. S?
I'm not really taking questions today, Jeff.
I wanted to go to Target
to buy the world's shittiest mountain bike,
but our front door feels like it's a million miles away.
Wow, Jeff. What is that?
Oh, yeah! It's my new wedding ring.
My old one was nothing.
Hayley got it for me.
[ Clink ]
Uh, that's a metal sound.
What are you gonna get her?
That's the best part.
She said she doesn't expect anything from me.
Free ring, basically.
Uh, Jeff, that's kind of a dig.
Kind of a huge dig.
No, no, no, she just means that, like,
I can't do the kind of things that she can do.
That I'm not capable of it.
You know what? That actually really stinks!
It's 'cause she has a job.
Stan's the same way.
He doesn't think I can pay for things
just because I don't have any money.
Same with my Steve.
He doesn't have a job, but he goes to school,
and he just loves to throw that in my face.
Steve's my partner in this situation.
I never realized how badly those three treat us!
I let it slide a lot,
'cause I'm letting a lot more go these days,
but it really gets me mad when I think about it.
I need a drink.
Do they think we can't get jobs?!
We can get jobs anytime we want!
We could, but I don't want to.
I have a personality type that makes it hard
to work for or with others.
I was tested, came up positive for that personality type.
Me? I can't work in an office.
What if I want to eat ribs at 10:30 a.m.?
Where would I even get them?
It's just not practical for me.
And I can't get a job
because legally I'm supposed to be in Afghanistan.
But what if we started our own business?
We'd be bosses.
Like Boss Baby.
We'd be in charge.
Like Boss Baby!
Are we doing this? Are we starting a business?
One, two -- we're gonna say "Boss Baby" -- three!
* Good morning, U.S.--
No! The quiet version.
My head is killing me.
[ Quietly ] * I've got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day *
[ Vomiting ]
You drank a lot yesterday
with Mom and Roger.
What were you doing?
I forget.
But I do remember one thing, babe.
You.
[ Vehicle approaches, horn honks ]
[ Air brakes hiss ] What the hell?
I got a brand-new deluxe tour bus here
for Jeff, Francine, and Roger
Making Their Own Money That'll Show 'Em Incorporated?
You ordered a bus?
Did you --
Oh, did you think you were maybe buying a miniature tour bus?
Nooo?
Then why is there a Hot Wheels track set up in the living room?
And, of course, there's the matter of the bill.
[ Laughing ]
Stupid scooter, stupid grass.
[ Grunts ] Aye-yi-yi.
Classic drunk idiots. I love it.
These adorable knuckleheads.
[ Laughter ]
It's not funny.
We are starting a business.
Really? What is it?
Um, it's a business...
That's...
Called...
Uhhh...
Uhhhhh...
[ Bicycle bell rings ]
Called the RB Burger Killer...
Tour bus...
Uh...
We...
Are...
Going to...
To give tours...
-Of... -Pass.
Tours of the RB Burger murders.
Yes! A murder...
Tour...
Business. Volcano factory.
You all worked together to make a pretty good sentence,
but it takes more than that to run a business.
Oh, we're doing a business.
We can't do a business.
We have to return this thing.
But that's what they're gonna expect,
another screw-up from the adorable knuckleheads.
I say we actually do the murder tour.
Hmm.
Murder tours are a thing.
Yeah. When I was in L.A. for "Wheel of Fortune" tryouts --
didn't get it, it's totally fixed,
it's all about how well you do --
I did the Charles Manson Murder Tour.
It was darling!
This is our chance to show them.
We'll need money to pay for the bus,
marketing, fuel, sundries.
[ Grunts ] It's like you already need
to have a successful murder tour
to start a successful murder tour.
This stupid country!
[ Sighs ] I know where we can get money.
I'll be back for the ring, so don't sell it.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
Because I can't dream.
Because I can't sleep.
Until I sell that chalice over there.
[ Demonic voices ]
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Bye.
We did it, guys! We're business owners.
Hayley will never underestimate me again.
You got that right, buddy.
Also, with the purchase of this VOSS water,
we're officially out of money.
We need each customer to tell 10 people
to come tomorrow, or we're bankrupt.
Wait, what?
Mmm, VOSS.
Here come our customers now.
Hello. Hi.
-Oh, man, VOSS! -Welcome.
Yes. Hey, Craig Robinson.
Don't treat me any differently just because I'm me.
Keep movin', numbnuts.
Thank you.
Now, I want to direct everyone's attention to your right,
my left, where you'll catch a final tantalizing glimpse
of the parking lot we were just in.
We cannot see anything.
The windows are black.
Sun must have gone down fast, is my first reaction.
The windows are tinted, like on a limo.
Did it myself.
You put the tint on backwards!
No one can see anything!
But Roger saves the day.
I've got pennies for everyone.
Just use them to scratch out your own personal eyeholes.
That's right, the tint material comes off
just like a lotto scratcher.
Pretty fun to see all the little shavings, huh?
Are we finally ready to start?
Just as soon as all the pennies are passed back to me.
* I am a lineman here in Langley *
* And I'm a fish whose name is Klaus *
* Drinking coffee from a thermos *
* That I filled up at my house
[ Slurps ]
Ahh!
Now, to see where the third RB Burger victim was found,
look to your left, my right,
or if I turn around also to my left, still to your left.
The third victim?
Was that the Latvian backpacker
who brought the case international attention?
Oh, my God. Dude, I don't know.
This isn't school.
You're not gonna get your dick touched
for asking a bunch of questions.
All you keep telling us is what number victim it is.
And we're on to number four.
Before our look into Langley's dark side continues,
we're gonna take a bit of a huge detour
to see where our very own Francine went to high school.
Who the hell is Francine?
We want to see murder things!
They hate the tour.
Well, I hate them.
It's hard for me to even look at their faces,
as many of them are so terribly ugly.
Your microphone is still on.
See what I was saying, Francine?
Ugly face, ugly voice.
Ugh, we're seeing basically no good crime scenes.
I'm gonna leave them the worst review.
I'm Christine S. from Yelp.
Whoa, the Christine S.?
You put my food truck out of business.
Why'd you do that to him, Christine S.?
Don't worry about me, Craig Robinson.
My grandpa owns Foot Locker.
I just need him to die.
Christine S. is here.
A bad review from her could shut us down forever!
[ Siren wailing ]
I'm getting an idea.
How much are your police scanners?
No, just take it. They're going out of business.
We're not going out of business.
Why does everybody think that?
[ Beeping ]
One wrecking ball hole
does not a going-out-of-business make.
What second wrecking ball hole?
Woman: Ugh, this is so boring. [ Indistinct talking ]
This tour is lame.
You're right, but what if I told you
we could go to the freshest crime scenes there are?
Thanks to this police scanner.
Officer: Patrol 27, do you copy?
Chimdale dispatch, do you read? Over.
Hopefully someone is killed soon.
Officer #2: Officer Keith and I are stopping for gas.
Officer #3: Copy that. Patrolling Weathervane Lane Estates,
seeing some really incredible houses here.
The big, big copy on that.
That's basically my dream neighborhood.
We're losing the group.
Don't worry, I'll vamp.
Buhhhhhhh.
Attention all units, deceased adult male discovered
at the Ogden Heights Complex in East Lanceton.
Recent stab wound. Suspect still at large.
There is, I repeat, there is an RB Burger bag.
Yes!
Whoo! There is a God.
We're on our way.
Who said that? Police only on this channel.
Aah!
Now, let's keep this crime scene secure, Officer Blatt.
Everyone thinks we're incompetent
because we can't catch this dang RB Burger killer.
No one's getting in or out.
Mmm, now, that's what I like to hear.
Whoops.
Just ridiculous.
Oh, mama! Need fresh breath.
Aah!
[ Horse neighs ]
[ Grunts ]
Right this way. Lift the police tape.
That's just to keep out people
who aren't official tour members.
Just fantastic.
Wow. This is so vivid, so real.
"Real" is the password here, my friends.
And don't be afraid to touch.
Move the body around, look in the mouth.
It's your party, so make it yours.
[ All chuckle ]
This body was stabbed to death, but there's no knife.
Well, if I could educate you a little bit here.
This killer, like most killers, used an icicle as a knife.
Wouldn't that leave a puddle where the icicle knife melted?
Today's killers are more sophisticated.
They bring a little towel to mop the puddle up.
-Oh. -Oh, that's interesting.
[ Ting! ]
Oh, five stars, no doubt.
I'm telling everyone about this tour.
I'm calling the guy who played Roy from "The Office"
when I get home.
Me too!
[ Ringing ]
Hey, gang, Klaus here.
I'm over in Lanceton, strapped in and swapping a lasher.
Thought I'd jack us all in for a little party-line action.
Anyway, the tour's going great.
I don't care.
[ Beep ]
Not so fast, Stan.
I control everything from up here.
How -- How did you make me answer the phone?
**
That was a hell of an idea, Jeff.
No one in the family believed in us,
but look at how happy these guys are.
Look at the smiles, the energy.
That one has a knife.
Wait, what? More good news!
We came with 12 people, but we're leaving with 13.
Bonus customer!
And the new guy has a knife!
Could be the missing murder weapon.
Wouldn't that be a coup for the Blood Bus?
It's the killer, isn't it?
**
Maybe.
Let's keep our eye on him, see if he does anything weird.
Jeff: The RB Killer is on our bus.
Unless it's not him.
Hey, how big is your head?
Would it fit in this bag?
Why don't we just see if it does?
This is unbelievable. I'll say.
Never would've thought that thing would fit.
She has a massive head.
Do you guys think I have a massive head?
Yes. [Bleep] you.
We need to call the cops.
But that'll ruin our reviews.
Let's just drop everyone off safely at their cars,
then call the cops.
But he could just grab a hostage at any moment.
I'll handle the killer.
I'll wrap him up in my smooth tour-guide patter
and keep him nice and calm.
Jeff, I got to know, is it hard to drive a bus?
No, it's easy.
You just keep the bus above 50 miles per hour
so it doesn't blow up.
Good news and bad news.
The good news is, I'm in love.
I've heard that homicidal maniacs can be very charming,
and that is for real.
I went back there to distract him.
He looked right into my eyes, and I just fell.
As for the bad news, why don't you tell them, lover?
You're all coming with me
into the sewers to my lair.
You're a killer? Yes.
The RB Killer?
My name is Matthew, but yes.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Everything that's happening is part of the tour.
Yes. Yes!
He's just an actor playing the murderer.
Oh, right.
Right, I think I recognize him.
He was in "Terms of Endearment."
It's Jack Nicholson.
"About Schmidt"?
Craig: Wow, these are surprisingly roomy sewers.
Roger: Little historical tidbit --
They almost made them wider.
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Brakes squeak, hiss ]
Everybody off.
I like the way this looks.
Oh, wow.
Every person I kill is a message,
a prayer,
and when that prayer is heard,
I believe in my heart that RB Burger will bring back
the long-discontinued Big Beef Blopper.
The Big Beef Blopper?
Yes, it was a limited-time offering.
It's a burger.
Yes.
I really, really want one again,
and it's been 10 years.
I even tried to make my own,
but they use some kind of celery salt
or taco spice or something.
I don't know.
The meat was, like, tangy.
Can't you just ask them to bring the burger back on Facebook?
Facebook is for racist grandmas.
Wait a minute.
This isn't Jack Nicholson's house.
And now to sacrifice all of you one by one
to my important cause!
Jeff: No! Jeff, don't worry.
He can stab me up for days. It won't kill me.
I'm gonna cut your head off.
Uh-oh, Jeff, my one weakness.
I told you that in confidence.
We're through.
Help!
My tour has been taken over by the RB Killer!
[ Static hissing ]
It won't work underground.
-Trying to call the cops? -Aah!
Why can't you support me in what I'm doing?
Don't you want me to have what I want, eat what I want?
Someone tell my babe, "Bye, babe."
RB Burger Corporation, hear my plea
and bring back the Blopper you've taken from me.
No!
I'm okay. The knife just stabbed me in my belly.
Everyone, restrain him!
He can't overpower us all!
[ Indistinct shouting ]
We're saved!
Alright, that's a little too much restraining.
Hey, that's my boyfriend's knife.
Wait, wait, wait! You're killing him!
Stop!
Let this happen.
Oh, my God. They killed him!
Why?
Because we're murder fans,
and this was a once-in-a-lifetime chance
to Dexter this guy.
We have to tell the police.
No, we don't.
He was a bad man, and now he's dead,
and there's not going to be a body.
Anyone have a hacksaw on them?
-Yes. -Oh, I do, too.
[ Sawing ]
I'd really like to go home now.
Yeah, let's get out of here. This place reminds me of my ex.
I don't know if you noticed my batting glove.
I did.
I lost the ring you gave me.
Well, I didn't lose it.
I sold it to start a business,
but then the business failed,
even though nobody got cut to pieces in the sewers
and all the money was gone and the pawnshop sold the ring.
Oh, yeah, he, uh, sold it to me, actually.
I went in there to watch some arm wrestling
they were hosting and recognized the ring.
So you bailed me out again? Great.
Honestly, Jeff, I'm impressed
that you didn't just drop it down the toilet.
And I got you something else.
Another gift I'll never be able to match.
How wonderful.
Oh, man, how did you know?
[ Imitating engine revving ]
It's been three days without an RB Burger-related murder.
So the Langley PD have declared the case officially solved.
And to celebrate,
we are bringing back a discontinued treat --
our Big Beef Blopper.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
To die for!
Have a great night.