1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
[♪ theme music playing]
2
00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,673
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
3
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:10,260
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
4
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,305
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
5
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:16,934
♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
6
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:22,898
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
7
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:25,234
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
8
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:26,318
[grunts]
9
00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:30,614
{\an8}♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
10
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:38,121
{\an8}And to conclude this tour
of my wine yard, a brief toast
11
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,791
{\an8}to the lowly grape.
12
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,709
{\an8}A simple berry for peasants,
13
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,586
{\an8}named by the Romans, of course,
14
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:48,340
{\an8}after Hanna-Barbera's
childish oaf, Grape Ape.
15
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:52,427
{\an8}Believe it or not, I was once
like the lowly grape myself,
16
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:55,764
{\an8}young, naive, full of juice,
17
00:00:55,847 --> 00:01:00,018
{\an8}until that special summer
I learned to make wine.
18
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:03,855
{\an8}I was at that age
when summer means one thing,
19
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:05,399
playing in the woods.
20
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:06,483
[♪ harp music playing]
21
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:08,569
I'm gonna go play in the woods, babe.
22
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,987
I'll do my chores later.
23
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,030
What? You don't do chores.
24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,907
[Old Jeff] The fastest way to the woods
25
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,285
was through Mr. Tuttle's backyard.
26
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,661
Careful, Jeffrey.
27
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,998
I love my lawn and consider her
to be my beautiful green wife.
28
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,001
[gulps] Hose water's
good n' rusty today
29
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:29,548
[Old Jeff] In the woods,
I could do anything,
30
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,469
{\an8}like, find a really cool stick
and use it to whack trees.
31
00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:37,014
{\an8}I could even throw it like a boomerang.
32
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:38,348
[grunts]
33
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:43,603
And of course, there was "other stuff"
to do in the woods.
34
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,981
This is gonna be good.
35
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,358
Worms.
36
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,152
Oh, mama!
37
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,363
Don't mind me,
just converting this old shack
38
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,906
into a Bang Shed.
39
00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:58,285
It's like a gummy worm on steroids.
40
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,661
{\an8}Great question, Jeff.
41
00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:02,706
{\an8}A Bang Shed is a small,
filthy, abandoned structure,
42
00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:05,792
{\an8}famously used as a place
to have hot sex in the woods.
43
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:09,338
{\an8}I strategically placed this
to rile you up for a roll in the shed.
44
00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:11,298
{\an8}Not with me. I'm just the caretaker.
45
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,300
{\an8}But it would mean a lot to me
if you'd fornicate
46
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,344
{\an8}on this pee-soaked mattress.
47
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,553
{\an8}It's my pee.
48
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,555
{\an8}- [leaves rustling]
- [screams]
49
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:22,267
{\an8}Babe, I saw the monster
in the woods again, and it was...
50
00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,518
{\an8}Why are you all dressed up?
51
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,896
{\an8}We're going to a steakhouse
for Dad's half-birthday.
52
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,649
{\an8}I must have forgotten to tell you.
53
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:31,318
{\an8}- Can I come?
- Oh, I don't know, babe.
54
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,905
{\an8}You have sap on your hands.
You smell like worms.
55
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,448
{\an8}Wouldn't you be happier staying home
56
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,367
{\an8}and watching Oliver & Company with Rogu?
57
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:39,826
{\an8}Dog! A dog!
58
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:42,954
{\an8}Billy Joel shines in role.
59
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:44,915
- I'll stay here.
- Have fun, babe
60
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,754
- You took that well, Jeff.
- Took what well?
61
00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,839
Hayley obviously didn't want you to go.
62
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,633
She thinks of you as a boy.
63
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,052
No duh! She's seen my penis.
64
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,929
No. A little boy.
65
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,974
Isn't it possible she likes me
despite my many quirks and faults?
66
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:07,354
No! Wifies want their hubbies
to be mature adult men, or fish.
67
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:11,108
If you don't grow up soon,
she'll divorce you, or worse...
68
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,360
What's worse than the big D?
69
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:17,614
The twisted C. Getting cuckolded.
70
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,408
That's when you're such a little boy
71
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,786
your wife goes out
and bonks some other dude.
72
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:25,622
That's not appropriate
for me to hear, Mr. Klaus.
73
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,333
What's not appropriate
is lying in the hall
74
00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:31,086
while Hayley's headboard
goes bonk, bonk, bonk!
75
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,423
Before long,
Tell-Tale Heart-style phantom bonks
76
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,883
will drive you up the wall.
77
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:38,135
I don't want any of that.
78
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,762
Then be a man, or else it's...
79
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,806
What's that I hear under the floorboards?
80
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,642
The ghost of a brutal cuckolding?
81
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,937
Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk!
82
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,939
I'll show you I'm a man.
83
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:53,275
I'll run away crying... [sobs]
84
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,402
and never come back forever.
85
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,320
[cries] Never!
86
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,697
[cries]
87
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,948
[screams] Ever!
88
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,075
[thunder rumbling]
89
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,954
[cries]
90
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,206
[screams]
91
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,584
[screaming]
92
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,919
Stop coming alive, you trees!
93
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,588
[monster snarls]
94
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,548
The monster. I gotta hide.
95
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,930
Dear Mr. God,
please help me become a man.
96
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:25,766
[thunder booms]
97
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:28,268
[Roger] Get lost, ya bum!
98
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,687
This shed is only for
dirty woodland humping.
99
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,189
No solo play.
100
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,275
[high-pitched whistling]
101
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,860
What's that sound?
102
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,987
[whistling continues]
103
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,658
Someone forgot to turn off
their Cuppa Noodles machine.
104
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,620
Hello? Hello?
105
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,413
I'm gonna break in.
106
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,248
Please don't shoot me too much.
107
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,877
[man] Help me! Help me!
108
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,755
- Don't worry. An intruder is coming.
- [whistling dies down]
109
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,844
Oh, God, the toilet's gone mad.
110
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,179
It's eating him alive!
111
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,306
[man with Italian accent]
I slipped getting out of the tub
112
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,849
and got wedged back here.
113
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:08,975
Help me!
114
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,685
I'm going to yank you out.
115
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:14,773
You're so old, I hope you don't pull apart
like roast chicken, Mister.
116
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,525
[straining]
117
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,819
Please, call me Bing.
118
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,489
You look amazing, Mr. Bing.
119
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,866
Way better than you did naked.
120
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,828
Name's just Bing. Like the cherry.
121
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,371
Like the Crosby.
122
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:33,875
And thank you. Even at home,
a man should dress to impress.
123
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,294
Do you have any juice?
124
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:39,548
No. A man has tea to calm the nerves.
125
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,508
- Drink.
- [slurps]
126
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:45,470
Jeffrey, I'm a hermit.
Do you know what that means?
127
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:47,597
Of course. You're a crab.
128
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:51,268
It means I don't go out.
I don't have friends.
129
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,019
If you hadn't found me,
130
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,856
I'd have died on the bathroom floor.
131
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,108
Every crab's nightmare.
132
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,735
Hey, how did you hear my kettle anyway?
133
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:04,573
I was out in the woods,
where I like to play.
134
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,575
Playing in the woods?
135
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:10,328
I haven't played in the woods
since I was a boy.
136
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:12,497
And even then I didn't.
137
00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:15,166
I know, I'm like a little boy.
138
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,420
You're not like a boy, you are a boy.
139
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:22,007
A golden halo of innocence surrounds you.
140
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,842
- [monster screeches]
- The monster!
141
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,094
Ha! Like "Frankenstein"?
142
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,929
Is that what you fear?
143
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,806
Oh, Jeffrey,
144
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,768
Frankenstein hasn't been seen
in these woods for years.
145
00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:35,061
Come with me.
146
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:39,649
Your "monster" is just a wild boar.
147
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,235
Oh, it's just the monster
148
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:45,238
from the Boar's Head deli meat packages.
149
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:48,325
And, look, he's found wild grapes.
150
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,827
Git, ya big galoot!
151
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,205
We could make wine with these.
152
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:59,044
Mr. Bing, you look good, you smell good,
you know about wine.
153
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,212
Please make me into a man like you.
154
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,798
Becoming a man takes time.
155
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,467
How much time? Are we done?
156
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:09,804
I'll teach you what I know,
but it's a shame, in a way,
157
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:14,934
because in becoming a man,
you will lose your innocence.
158
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,896
I know I did.
159
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,774
One last worm before I'm a man.
160
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,151
This one's name is Worm-o.
161
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,072
Thus began my lessons with Bing.
162
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,907
And what became of Worm-o?
163
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:33,620
Well, just a few minutes later
I flung him high into the air.
164
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,957
Now can we drink?
165
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:41,753
No. Bing had agreed
to teach me how to be a man.
166
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,171
And as it turns out,
167
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:46,549
aging a boy is a lot like aging a wine.
168
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,093
[♪ harp music playing]
169
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:52,138
First rule, aging a boy
is nothing like aging a wine.
170
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:55,642
Second rule, men take baths.
171
00:07:55,725 --> 00:08:00,355
Life is a battle, and smelling good
is your greatest weapon.
172
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,732
That's why they're called bath bombs.
173
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,817
[screams]
174
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,487
When I was young,
I'd paint my whole body purple,
175
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,239
privates included.
176
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:14,160
Then I'd hide in the grapes
so the women would stomp on me,
177
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,829
privates included.
178
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,622
I don't want to hear about this.
179
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:20,667
Okay, okay. A man needs boundaries.
180
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,711
Speaking of boundaries,
181
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,964
I ask you not to enter this room.
182
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:30,385
It's full of memories from my old life.
183
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,221
Oh! In your old life, were you a crooner?
184
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,306
You think all Bings are crooners?
185
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:39,644
Come on, just stop trying
to go in my secret room, okay?
186
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,604
What? I didn't even know about it.
187
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:43,273
Fine. I forgive you.
188
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,984
Just don't let me catch you again.
189
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:51,448
Things look good.
The mattress is utterly FUBAR,
190
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,658
the shed is ready for sex.
191
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:54,951
Raccoons?
192
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,870
Ah, one's going for the Playboys.
193
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,079
Here we go.
194
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,789
{\an8}[chittering]
195
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,587
[birds chirping]
196
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,882
This style is called sprezzatura.
197
00:09:08,965 --> 00:09:11,468
It means "effortless grace."
198
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:16,890
In loafers, a man can't help but walk
with a certain nonchalance.
199
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:19,309
[tapping]
200
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,228
Try it. Nonchalant with me, baby.
201
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,397
[tapping]
202
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,774
[♪ upbeat music plays]
203
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:29,235
♪ He's a boy, he's a boy
He's a beautiful boy ♪
204
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,363
♪ But he wears loafers like a man ♪
205
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:36,910
♪ I'm a boy, I'm a boy
But I'm coming of age ♪
206
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,411
♪ Hey, watch out for that space ♪
207
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,288
♪ And watch out for this room ♪
208
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:42,874
♪ Don't you go in this place ♪
209
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,292
I wasn't trying to.
210
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,960
Good. Keep it that way.
211
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:50,423
♪ He's a boy, he's a boy
He's a beautiful boy ♪
212
00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:52,550
♪ One day he'll be a beautiful man ♪
213
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:53,760
[♪ music stops]
214
00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:55,970
That was a great song,
215
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:59,140
but somehow I have sap on my hands again.
216
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,352
One word, extravirginoliveoil.
217
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,938
[oil glugging]
218
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,397
My hands are so clean
219
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,441
they look like a picture of hands.
220
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,651
What is this stuff?
221
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,528
You never heard of olive oil?
222
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,696
What's a boy eat? Little nuggets?
223
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,698
I eat whatever babe makes me.
224
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,910
Another rule, a man serves others,
225
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:23,081
and there is nothing better
to serve than a simple tomato sandwich.
226
00:10:23,164 --> 00:10:26,543
Good tomato, good oil, and good salt.
227
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,627
Sea salt.
228
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,797
I only use Eastern Caspian sea salt.
229
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,716
If you try to use
Western Caspian sea salt,
230
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,761
well, it's just not Eastern.
231
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,598
I think I'm a man, Mr. Bing.
232
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:44,602
I just hammered a cork
into a bunghole without laughing...
233
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,479
[chuckles] that much.
234
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:50,942
You're not a man yet,
but maybe it is time for you to go.
235
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,653
{\an8}Especially since I just got an Amber Alert
236
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,446
{\an8}that matches your description.
237
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,491
You haven't been checking in with nobody?
238
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,162
Jeff, where have you been?
239
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:05,290
I've been making for you,
with sap-free hands,
240
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,959
a simple tomato sandwich.
241
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,047
How did you do that?
Are you wearing Heelys?
242
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:16,092
[sniffs] Babe, you smell incredible.
243
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,303
An old man bathed me.
244
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,846
Excuse me?
245
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,223
Mmm! This sando is on point.
246
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:25,351
Ho, ho! Look at this man.
247
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,520
Maybe the bonking is off the table.
248
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,148
I am a man. I gotta go tell Bing!
249
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,527
Klaus, did you tell Jeff
he was gonna get cuckolded again?
250
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:37,280
I just told him a bit
about the history of the term.
251
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,657
Mr. Bing, I think I'm a...
252
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:40,742
Guns?
253
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,369
These are a good guy's guns, right?
254
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,873
You might want
to sit down for this, Jeffrey.
255
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,416
- Have some tea.
- [kettle whistling]
256
00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:53,630
The boar has become a problem.
257
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:58,384
And when there's a problem,
a man doesn't stop until it's solved.
258
00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,469
You don't mean--
259
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,263
I have to shoot the boar.
260
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,140
What did he do wrong?
261
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,559
Did he do a big fart like Pumbaa?
262
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,853
He didn't fart like Pumbaa.
263
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:12,315
He's eating the grapes
we need for next year's wine.
264
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:16,778
So he must be eliminated
and made into a simple boar ragu.
265
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,322
I'm sorry. [sobs]
266
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,658
I guess I'm not a man after all.
267
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,952
You may not be a man yet,
268
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:27,121
but when you are, you can still cry.
269
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,958
A man can always cry.
270
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,002
I think it's time
I show you that locked room
271
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,129
you've been so obsessed with.
272
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,799
Jeffrey, the truth is
273
00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:42,303
I used to be a hitman
for the Bingoni mafia.
274
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:44,055
You did all these?
275
00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:46,641
The hits were problems
I was good at solving.
276
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:50,436
I was so good, they had me change
my first name to Bingoni.
277
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,063
"Bing" for short.
278
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,940
My last name is "Goon."
279
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:58,027
So I'm Bingoni Goon and a Bingoni goon.
280
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,489
And before my family name
got shortened at Ellis Island,
281
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,533
it was Bingonigoon,
282
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:08,121
which, believe it or not,
in English means "Bingoni Goon."
283
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,706
You murdered people.
284
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,040
I did.
285
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:16,421
But when my last hit got away,
I left the mafia in shame.
286
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,965
They could have made you
sleep with a fish.
287
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:21,342
But that part of my life is over.
288
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,095
Especially since you came along.
289
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,432
When I met you,
I was stuck behind a toilet.
290
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:31,019
Now, I feel like I could
throw a toilet at the moon.
291
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:34,105
Hey, that's Mr. Tuttle.
292
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,691
You know this man?
293
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,735
He lives just across the woods from you.
294
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,194
I cut through his yard.
295
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:42,530
Mr. Tuttle loves his yard.
296
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:43,614
Look.
297
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,618
Yeah, he didn't disappear.
298
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,204
He's just in the Witness
Protection Program.
299
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,623
What? He told you this?
300
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:54,459
A man hears things.
301
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:58,129
Jeffrey, would you like to kill the boar?
302
00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,464
No, no, I couldn't.
303
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,673
Not Pumbaa.
304
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:03,342
Too pure to kill a Pumbaa.
305
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:06,387
Now go. I'll call you
when the wine is ready.
306
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,139
And here, take this.
307
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,809
I knew it. You were a crooner.
308
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,561
I'm not a crooner.
309
00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,772
That's Bay Area-style rap.
310
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,650
And if you need more space,
there's a hollow log out back
311
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,319
you can make into an A.B.U.
312
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,695
Additional Bang Unit.
313
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,322
How much are you asking, Roger?
314
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:25,782
Nothing. Just get in there.
315
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,116
Do you provide the sex partner?
316
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,284
It's not a brothel.
317
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:29,952
Would you negotiate on the price?
318
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,162
It's free, damn it!
319
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:32,955
Please, just go have sex.
320
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,957
I've sunk too much time
and money into this.
321
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,167
- No, thank you.
- Not for me.
322
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,251
No.
323
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,216
[Jeff] Hog poison?
324
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:47,178
Weird. Mr. Bing said
he was gonna shoot the boar.
325
00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:49,847
Come in. The wine is ready.
326
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:51,557
Ta-da!
327
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,226
I thought we'd bottle it together.
328
00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:55,186
Eh! Bottling is overrated.
329
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,729
It is? By who?
330
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,272
The bottlers.
331
00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:01,567
Hey, Mr. Bing, you shot the boar, right?
332
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:05,029
You didn't strangle it or poison it?
333
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:07,031
Of course I shot it.
334
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,909
Oh, okay, it's just--
335
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:13,371
I see, because I killed a bunch of people,
336
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,623
you think I'm some psycho?
337
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:19,377
Look, to prove it to you
I've put that life behind me
338
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,879
I want to reach out to the community.
339
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,339
Share our wine.
340
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,424
We could go door to door together.
341
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:28,553
[groans] You'll have to deliver it alone.
342
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,430
My old between-the-tub
and-the-toilet injuries
343
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:32,890
are acting up again.
344
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:36,519
But you were just
dancing around like Fred Astaire.
345
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,729
And where's Fred Astaire now?
346
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:39,814
Dead.
347
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:44,068
Now, somewhere here
is a very special bottle for Tuttle.
348
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,279
Mr. Tuttle? Why Mr. Tuttle?
349
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:50,491
He might be afraid of me
on account of the mafia connection.
350
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:53,119
I want to extend an olive branch.
351
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,620
{\an8}- [Jeff] Is this it?
- [Bing] No!
352
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,664
This one.
353
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,708
It's the only green one.
354
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:03,004
A nod to his curvaceous
herbaceous green lawn.
355
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:07,592
Mr. Bing, you don't want to kill
Mr. Tuttle, do you?
356
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,428
What, kill? I don't kill anymore.
357
00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,597
I won't even listen to The Killers.
358
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,765
Except Mr. Brightside.
359
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,605
[♪ mysterious music playing]
360
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,524
[Old Jeff] As I walked to Mr. Tuttle's,
361
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:26,194
{\an8}my head was swimming with thoughts like,
362
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,404
{\an8}"Did Bing poison the wine?"
363
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,908
{\an8}And "If I delivered it,
would that make me a murderer?"
364
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,203
{\an8}And "I wish I hadn't gotten
so high this morning."
365
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:39,123
Then I remembered a few
of Grape Ape's antics and chuckled.
366
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,291
[chuckles]
367
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:44,420
But mostly I was thinking about
whether the wine was poisoned.
368
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,843
Hold those glasses up, up, up!
369
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,386
We're nearly at the end.
370
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,973
I returned to my mentor
after taking the wine to Tuttle's.
371
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:59,894
I had made the most difficult
decision of my life.
372
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:03,105
Geez, Jeffrey,
you've gone as pale as a sheet.
373
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:06,567
Did you see something
in that Bang Shed that spooked you?
374
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,111
There's never anything going on
in the Bang Shed.
375
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:12,198
I feel sorry for that weird little man.
376
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,408
He's been working his tail off.
377
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,911
Oh, he sees me.
378
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,955
He's beckoning me over.
379
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,539
No, thank you.
380
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,167
He's making kissy faces.
381
00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,543
Okay.
382
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:28,339
He's swallowing a whole banana,
humping the air.
383
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,883
He's really throwing
the kitchen sink at me here.
384
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:34,428
Wow, and now he's rolling out
a vibrating saddle.
385
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,889
What would he even plug that into?
386
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:39,725
Oh, he's showing me the generator.
387
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:40,893
[engine revving]
388
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:43,771
A lot of smoke coming out of that thing.
389
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,189
[engine sputtering]
390
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:48,943
Out of gas. And now he's crying.
391
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,361
[Jeff] Let's have some tea.
392
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:56,325
[sips] So how did it go with Tuttle?
393
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,411
[slurps]
394
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,163
He was happy to see me, a trusted friend.
395
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:02,748
Oh, wonderful.
396
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:06,669
And the wine?
Was he happy to see the trusted wine?
397
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:10,423
Mr. Bing, did you poison Tuttle's wine?
398
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:13,551
[gags] Poison Tuttle? Of course not.
399
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,430
I would no sooner poison Tuttle
than use that creepy man's shed.
400
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,849
[Roger] I heard that
through my binoculars!
401
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,017
[engine revving]
402
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,351
Ooh! I'm happy again.
403
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,936
Jeff, believe me.
404
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,939
I did not poison Tuttle's wine.
405
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,691
[sighs in relief] That's a relief.
406
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:32,612
Hey, let's finally open some of our wine.
407
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:33,988
I want to taste it.
408
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,406
You already are.
409
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,992
I put some of Tuttle's wine in your tea,
410
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,535
in case you did poison it.
411
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,037
Isn't that hilarious?
412
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,040
[spits] Why would you do that, Jeffrey?
413
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,459
I knew if you made up
your mind to kill him,
414
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:47,960
you'd never stop trying.
415
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,253
You said it yourself.
416
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,089
"A man doesn't stop
until a problem is solved."
417
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,008
[panting] I need some air.
418
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:57,511
[Roger] Solo play is healthy.
419
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,680
[coughing]
420
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,642
What's the big deal?
You didn't poison it, right?
421
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:05,978
I did. I did poison it
with enough hog poison
422
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:09,440
to poison every hog
from here to Poison Hog City.
423
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,025
I'm gonna die.
424
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,069
What? Oh, God, what have I done?
425
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:17,073
You saw a problem
and you didn't stop until you solved it.
426
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,783
You know what that makes you?
427
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:19,909
A man.
428
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:24,497
And since you're a man,
I don't have to feel bad
429
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,582
- about killing you.
- [clicks]
430
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:30,294
Sorry, Bing, I took out
all the bullets from your secret guns.
431
00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:31,921
I'm so proud of you,
432
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,590
but I bet you didn't find
the one in my sock.
433
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:35,883
- [clicks]
- I got that one, too.
434
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,259
You get the one in the freezer?
435
00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:38,928
- [clicks]
- Yep.
436
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,055
- Cereal box? Microwave?
- Yep. Yep.
437
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,766
Inside the hollowed-out loaf
of rustic ciabatta bread?
438
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,518
- Yep.
- The gun behind the toilet?
439
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:47,019
[♪ tense music playing]
440
00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,355
[grunts]
441
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:52,024
Why did you have to send me
to kill Tuttle?
442
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:55,486
Because nobody would ever suspect a man
443
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,530
of using a boy to kill a man.
444
00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,074
[choking] I suspected it.
445
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:01,742
Can't you throw up the poison?
446
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:02,952
- [bites]
- [shrieks]
447
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,829
I win! I'm gonna get the gun.
448
00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,205
[grunts]
449
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:10,292
I'm stuck. Full circle, huh, Jeffrey?
450
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,586
If I pull you out, will you still try
451
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,296
- to kill me?
- Yes.
452
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,841
Then I have to leave you
trapped here, Bing.
453
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:20,094
[sobs] Exactly what a man would do.
454
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:22,888
Go, my beautiful man. Go!
455
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,932
[sobbing]
456
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:28,102
Babe, I've been looking all over for you.
457
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,688
I'm a man. [cries]
458
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,523
Oh, yeah? Wanna show me?
459
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:37,153
And then I had sex
with my wife in the Bang Shed.
460
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,948
Wow. Did anyone find Bing's body?
461
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:44,952
No. A bunch of wild boars
ran in and ate him alive.
462
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:46,036
Cheers!
463
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,288
[glasses clink]
464
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:57,006
Can you believe, all those years ago
someone was trying to kill me?
465
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,674
That was interesting to you?
466
00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,302
I was mostly drawn to the Bang Shed parts.
467
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,012
{\an8}What a challenge that was.
468
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,681
{\an8}Sadly, those walls didn't stand for long.
469
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,934
{\an8}Demolished later that summer
by a 0.4 earthquake.
470
00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:11,061
{\an8}Nothing I could do except go to court.
471
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,939
{\an8}You might be familiar
with my landmark lawsuit.
472
00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:18,694
{\an8}General Napoleon Bonerparts v.
The United States Geological Survey.
473
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,112
{\an8}It made the papers!
474
00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:22,865
{\an8}"Creep Laughed Out of Court."
475
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:25,117
{\an8}Oh, that's just the headline.
Keep reading.
476
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:26,285
{\an8}It gets worse.
477
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,620
{\an8}[grunts]
478
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:29,121
{\an8}You better lawyer up, boar.
479
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,749
{\an8}Napoleon Bonerparts will see you in court.