1
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:05,390
This magazine rules!

2
00:00:05,490 --> 00:00:08,560
The whole issue is about
old steam locomotives.

3
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,230
There's even an article
on the physics

4
00:00:10,330 --> 00:00:12,230
of opening a hose
called the monkey tail

5
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:13,560
so the steam doesn't...

6
00:00:13,660 --> 00:00:15,400
Wait, why am I reading
about trains?

7
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:16,600
Do I like trains?

8
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:17,940
I got it for you!

9
00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:19,470
I heard kids on the spectrum

10
00:00:19,570 --> 00:00:21,310
love to learn about
that sort of stuff.

11
00:00:21,410 --> 00:00:22,870
I'm not on the spectrum!

12
00:00:22,970 --> 00:00:24,870
Wait, could I be?
Should we test me for that?

13
00:00:24,970 --> 00:00:27,080
Steve, testing kids
is very expensive,

14
00:00:27,180 --> 00:00:29,050
whereas that magazine was $2.50.

15
00:00:29,150 --> 00:00:31,450
250th day of the year,
September 7th.

16
00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:32,920
In 1991, actor Harry Hamlin

17
00:00:33,020 --> 00:00:34,455
marries actress
Nicollette Sheridan.

18
00:00:35,590 --> 00:00:37,420
My second favorite
Desperate Housewife!

19
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,120
She is a gem!

20
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:42,390
Speaking of gems,
the Bradford Railway Company

21
00:00:42,490 --> 00:00:46,260
is retiring their most famous
train, the Dodge City Rambler.

22
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,830
It's making one last trip
from D.C. to Dodge City, Kansas.

23
00:00:49,930 --> 00:00:51,580
Did you say Dodge City?

24
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,100
My Aunt Karen lives in Dodge City!

25
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,970
It's been ages, but you remember
Aunt Karen, right?

26
00:00:57,070 --> 00:00:59,410
Karen.

27
00:00:59,510 --> 00:01:01,810
You are so greedy, Orvis.

28
00:01:04,410 --> 00:01:07,150
Some people think it's gross
to share food with a dog,

29
00:01:07,250 --> 00:01:10,120
but the way I figure,
we both already have heartworm,

30
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,690
so why the heck not?

31
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,360
Karen.

32
00:01:18,430 --> 00:01:21,000
Oh, Stan remembers!

33
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:24,270
And since the train's
going to Dodge City,

34
00:01:24,370 --> 00:01:26,470
we can take the train
and visit her.

35
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:27,640
No, no!
No Karen!

36
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:29,110
- I hate it there!
- What?

37
00:01:29,210 --> 00:01:31,040
Honey, Karen and I don't gel.

38
00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:32,780
She thinks I'm just wonderful,

39
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,510
and I think she's a slob who
should be thrown off a cliff.

40
00:01:35,610 --> 00:01:39,450
I don't always gel with your
family, but I'm there for you.

41
00:01:39,550 --> 00:01:40,780
Of course.

42
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,200
It's much easier for you because
my family's better.

43
00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:44,950
We're taking the train
to visit Aunt Karen.

44
00:01:45,050 --> 00:01:46,620
End of discussion.

45
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,460
Wait.
What just happened?

46
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,160
You blew it, homeboy.

47
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:51,370
What are you doing down there?

48
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,700
Not having sex with Jeff!

49
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,330
We know the living room's
off limits, Mr. S!

50
00:01:55,430 --> 00:01:57,500
And we would never
use the feeling of danger

51
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:58,800
to juice the lovemaking.

52
00:01:58,900 --> 00:02:01,170
That's a big train!

53
00:02:01,270 --> 00:02:04,210
If anyone else is in this room,
come out now!

54
00:02:04,310 --> 00:02:05,580
Roger?

55
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,050
Okay, now, as I was say...

56
00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:11,220
Roger!

57
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,750
It's okay.
It's okay, everyone.

58
00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:15,720
It was just Roger hiding
in the drapes like yesterday.

59
00:02:49,050 --> 00:02:51,590
Oh, good. Other people
wore the clothes, too.

60
00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:54,420
Stan, I'm glad you came around.

61
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,390
And even though
you didn't use your words,

62
00:02:56,490 --> 00:02:59,400
your being here
is all the apology I need.

63
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:02,570
I'm only here because you hid
all my regular clothes.

64
00:03:02,670 --> 00:03:04,130
Memphis Stormfront here.

65
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:05,600
Even though I'm a weatherman

66
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:08,440
and a hurricane is raging
just 10 miles away,

67
00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:11,480
I'm happy to be reporting
on this train thing!

68
00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:14,040
Dodge City Rambler!
Oh, yeah!

69
00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:15,410
People are excited!

70
00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:16,650
For some reason!

71
00:03:16,750 --> 00:03:18,650
The Rambler is not just a train.

72
00:03:18,750 --> 00:03:21,720
It's also a time machine
to the 1800s.

73
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:24,090
1800?!
That's a perfect SAT score!

74
00:03:24,190 --> 00:03:25,420
That's totally wrong.

75
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,960
And watch out
for the Magilicutty Gang!

76
00:03:29,060 --> 00:03:31,960
The sworn enemy of
the Bradford Railway Company!

77
00:03:32,060 --> 00:03:33,130
Oh, screw this.

78
00:03:33,230 --> 00:03:34,470
The train's going to Dodge City

79
00:03:34,530 --> 00:03:36,130
to become part
of some stupid museum.

80
00:03:36,230 --> 00:03:38,800
The Boot Hill Museum, y'all!

81
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,970
Get outta my shot!

82
00:03:41,070 --> 00:03:42,470
What's taking so long?!

83
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:44,550
I don't want to spend
one minute more than I have to

84
00:03:44,570 --> 00:03:47,080
in these stupid clothes
on this stupid train

85
00:03:47,180 --> 00:03:49,280
on the way to visit your stupid,
frizzy-haired...

86
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:51,520
- Slob!
- Hello, everyone!

87
00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,750
Oh, my God!
Aunt Karen!

88
00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:55,420
- Stan, it's...
- Slob!

89
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:56,590
Why is slob here?!

90
00:03:56,690 --> 00:03:57,930
When I heard you were visiting,

91
00:03:57,950 --> 00:03:59,960
I thought, "Oh, great!

92
00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:01,790
I'll come and ride with you!"

93
00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:03,290
Fantastic!

94
00:04:03,390 --> 00:04:05,600
It'll give us
even more time together!

95
00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,030
Great!
Now, who wants to help me

96
00:04:08,130 --> 00:04:09,800
comb the two insanely long hairs

97
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:11,440
I have growing out of my shoulder?

98
00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:13,540
Stan?

99
00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:19,510
This is a stickup!

100
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:22,050
Phones in the bag!

101
00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:25,880
Let's turn back the clock
to a time before phones.

102
00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:28,550
But after guns and bags.

103
00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:33,290
Hey, Roger.

104
00:04:33,390 --> 00:04:35,790
That guy.
Does he look familiar to you?

105
00:04:35,890 --> 00:04:38,660
Hayley, that's James Corden.

106
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,730
What?
James Corden is white.

107
00:04:40,830 --> 00:04:43,530
I think that turned out
to be a cruel rumor.

108
00:04:43,630 --> 00:04:45,700
Look!
He avoided eye contact!

109
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,670
He's definitely someone.

110
00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:49,340
- We should...
- Blow him. Totally agree.

111
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,640
Let's move.

112
00:04:54,710 --> 00:04:58,150
The Bradford Railway
Company welcomes you aboard!

113
00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:03,250
So relax and enjoy a taste
of how America used to travel.

114
00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:07,590
Isn't this charming?!

115
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:10,190
Maybe ol' sleepin' tube-nose here

116
00:05:10,290 --> 00:05:12,060
will enjoy a view of the smoke.

117
00:05:16,270 --> 00:05:18,000
Motherf...

118
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,240
By golly, they said
it couldn't be done,

119
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,370
but you, Joseph Bradford,

120
00:05:22,470 --> 00:05:25,010
have built the greatest train
on Earth!

121
00:05:25,110 --> 00:05:26,190
What is this?
Why is this happening?

122
00:05:26,210 --> 00:05:27,880
It's wonderful actors, Dad!

123
00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:29,750
You can tell by how loud
they're talking

124
00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:31,380
that this is
a huge break for them.

125
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,720
I did it for all Americans!

126
00:05:34,820 --> 00:05:38,460
I just wish that poor
and dirty Magilicutty Family

127
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:39,890
saw it that way.

128
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:42,090
Oh, the Magilicutty Gang!

129
00:05:42,190 --> 00:05:44,730
They're lost souls, each one.

130
00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:46,960
What should we do about them, sir?

131
00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:49,770
I don't do audience participation.

132
00:05:51,470 --> 00:05:52,900
Hey.

133
00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:59,140
The Magilicutty Gang!

134
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,040
Christ, more hacky actors?!

135
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:02,480
Hey, I was one of the bankers

136
00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:03,980
in the movie Requiem for a Dream

137
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,250
that yells, "Ass to ass,"
in that one scene.

138
00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:08,550
A little respect.

139
00:06:08,650 --> 00:06:12,260
These private lounge cars
cost $20,000 to make

140
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,790
in the 19th century.

141
00:06:13,890 --> 00:06:16,460
Nearly $1 million
in today's currency.

142
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,890
Are there any questions?

143
00:06:17,990 --> 00:06:21,800
Is money always worthing more
in the future?

144
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,970
Hi. Sorry to bother you,

145
00:06:24,070 --> 00:06:25,840
but do I know you from somewhere?

146
00:06:25,940 --> 00:06:27,270
I don't think so.

147
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:28,690
'Scuse me, I dropped my lawnmower.

148
00:06:28,740 --> 00:06:30,080
I don't even know
why I brought it.

149
00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,790
This is a train.
Anyway, you look familiar.

150
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:32,910
May I...

151
00:06:33,010 --> 00:06:34,480
Please.
I'm trying to learn.

152
00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,750
- You James Corden?
- No!

153
00:06:36,850 --> 00:06:38,650
Now, leave me alone!

154
00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:47,360
Now approaching Roanoke Station.

155
00:06:47,460 --> 00:06:50,630
Dad, this train has
a Mallet front cab boiler.

156
00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:52,960
That was a big leap forward
in train technology.

157
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:55,470
But was it as big a leap as this?

158
00:06:56,770 --> 00:06:58,770
General store, getting snacks!

159
00:07:00,070 --> 00:07:01,440
You have anything for the man

160
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:02,870
who was tricked into a train trip?

161
00:07:02,970 --> 00:07:04,670
I have Popsicles.

162
00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:05,840
Okay, two of those.

163
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,510
You sell marbles!

164
00:07:07,610 --> 00:07:09,350
I haven't played those
since I was a kid!

165
00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:11,980
Good ones!
Good feel on these.

166
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,800
These other ones look like good ones, too!

167
00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:15,360
Sir, I think you're gonna
miss your train.

168
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:17,690
Oh, dang!
A Tiger Eye Shooter!

169
00:07:17,790 --> 00:07:18,860
I always wanted one!

170
00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:22,660
That's your train, sir.

171
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,900
Sometimes you have to pass up
one opportunity for another.

172
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,500
Sir!

173
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,130
I always thought if I ran
this store for long enough,

174
00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:33,240
a nice lady would come in.

175
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:36,870
But it's just men
stealing marbles, day after day.

176
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:40,560
You don't have to worry
about me missing the train.

177
00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:43,350
I came on foot.
With plenty of money.

178
00:07:43,450 --> 00:07:45,820
Where are your marbles?

179
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,390
I'll of course
need to handle them.

180
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:49,990
You know, the marbles.

181
00:07:52,590 --> 00:07:55,160
Stan!
Move it!

182
00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,260
Oh, no!

183
00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,900
I'm missing the train!

184
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,530
Hurry, Billy!

185
00:08:01,630 --> 00:08:05,100
I'm coming, Daddy!

186
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,000
Billy, you monstrous kiss-ass.

187
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:10,210
Eat my dust.

188
00:08:10,310 --> 00:08:12,680
I gave it my all, Francine.
I'll just meet you there.

189
00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:14,210
Damn you, Stan!

190
00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:16,280
You're nothing but a crumb-bum!

191
00:08:16,380 --> 00:08:20,220
She uttered the C-word!

192
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,750
Help! No!
He's got a gun! Help!

193
00:08:24,890 --> 00:08:28,260
The play's finally getting
good, and I'm missing it.

194
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:31,060
I've been shot.

195
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,360
Well, now you ruined it.

196
00:08:32,460 --> 00:08:34,460
I mean, your acting is blah!

197
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,570
The other guy, the gun guy,
he brought it.

198
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:40,740
No! The Magilicuttys
are hijacking the train!

199
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,910
The real Magilicuttys!

200
00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:45,640
Listen closely.

201
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,480
You need to quit acting.

202
00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:48,880
All of this sucks.

203
00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:50,372
Sure, the special effects
are decent.

204
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:54,450
You're not any good!

205
00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:56,390
All right, now, this...
this here isn't bad.

206
00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,120
And that pebble
in your open eye...

207
00:08:58,220 --> 00:08:59,820
I mean, I'd be blinking.

208
00:09:04,390 --> 00:09:06,330
Well, after five minutes
of trying to remember

209
00:09:06,430 --> 00:09:08,560
how to do CPR,
I'm officially calling it.

210
00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:10,230
You're dead.

211
00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:11,570
Okay, what do I know?

212
00:09:11,670 --> 00:09:13,240
One, I have marbles.

213
00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:15,240
Two, I don't know CPR.

214
00:09:15,340 --> 00:09:17,510
Three, there are actual
murderous outlaws

215
00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:18,910
on the train with my family.

216
00:09:19,010 --> 00:09:20,810
I have to get on that train!

217
00:09:23,350 --> 00:09:25,080
Let's turn it around.

218
00:09:25,180 --> 00:09:26,620
I'm commandeering this handcar.

219
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:27,950
What?! No!

220
00:09:28,050 --> 00:09:30,190
I'm out looking for purdy ladies!

221
00:09:30,290 --> 00:09:32,790
Let me just say the ladies
in that direction

222
00:09:32,890 --> 00:09:35,320
are wowza, wowza, wowza!

223
00:09:39,930 --> 00:09:42,130
Okay, now,
this is interesting, Mom.

224
00:09:42,230 --> 00:09:45,170
They used Harding bearings
along the pistons.

225
00:09:45,270 --> 00:09:47,500
Your dad abandoned us!

226
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:51,510
Actually, the train's
lighter now, yeah, yeah.

227
00:09:51,610 --> 00:09:54,110
Should improve our
power-to-weight ratio.

228
00:09:54,210 --> 00:09:57,180
Dear old Dad,
always thinking of his family.

229
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:59,980
That's not what's happening!

230
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,120
Hey, the engineer
wouldn't cooperate.

231
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:03,890
I had to kill him.

232
00:10:03,990 --> 00:10:06,460
But he's the only one who knows
how to operate this thing!

233
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,690
If the train slows down,
our plan will never work!

234
00:10:09,790 --> 00:10:11,030
Let me think.

235
00:10:11,130 --> 00:10:13,000
Somebody here
has to know something.

236
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,500
A Tennison crankshaft rod!

237
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,670
Well, that makes two hard rods.

238
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,000
Shut that kid up!

239
00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:21,810
You idiot!

240
00:10:21,910 --> 00:10:23,570
That's our guy.

241
00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:25,410
Howdy, folks!

242
00:10:25,510 --> 00:10:28,680
I understand we have a little
boy with trains on the brain.

243
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:30,410
Well, I don't like labels.

244
00:10:30,510 --> 00:10:32,420
But do you like going to the front

245
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,850
and seeing all the spectrum

246
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:36,490
attention-grabbin'
dials and gauges?

247
00:10:36,590 --> 00:10:38,690
Why does everybody assume
I'm on the spectrum?

248
00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:40,110
Take me to the gauges immediately.

249
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,160
No eye contact.

250
00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:47,000
I have to pump fast to catch up
with the ladies,

251
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,400
but I have to save some energy
for the ladies themselves!

252
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,540
You know what I mean?

253
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,370
I know there's one lady
in this direction

254
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:58,070
who's in a whole lot of trouble,
and we've got to save her.

255
00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:00,080
Does she have great big knockers?

256
00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:01,780
Damn right she does.

257
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:07,550
The Dodge City Rambler
was the way to the West.

258
00:11:07,650 --> 00:11:11,520
The chains you see ensured
consensual sex workers

259
00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:13,890
and well-treated
Chinese immigrants

260
00:11:13,990 --> 00:11:16,190
were comfortable
on their journeys.

261
00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:17,760
Moving on.

262
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,470
All right, buddy, enough.

263
00:11:22,570 --> 00:11:24,400
- Quit dodging us.
- Who are you?!

264
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,070
This isn't going to end, will it?

265
00:11:26,170 --> 00:11:28,640
- Never!
- Actually, I'll lose interest pretty soon.

266
00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:30,970
I'm Prince.

267
00:11:31,070 --> 00:11:33,280
Rock god, sex icon.

268
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:34,380
Prince.

269
00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:35,480
No way!

270
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,450
100% it's him.

271
00:11:41,550 --> 00:11:43,490
Send him to me!
I'll be the judge of that!

272
00:11:46,690 --> 00:11:48,160
Pump for your life!

273
00:11:49,630 --> 00:11:50,760
We made it!

274
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,160
Okay, now, where them ladies at?

275
00:11:55,660 --> 00:11:58,000
He died doing the thing
he loved...

276
00:11:58,100 --> 00:12:00,600
being unsure where them ladies at.

277
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,970
You see, I faked my death
because my touring schedule

278
00:12:05,070 --> 00:12:07,740
didn't give me time
to study my true passion...

279
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,250
the history of transportation.

280
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,850
Would you...
consider singing something?

281
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:15,020
Well, if you keep my secret,

282
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,520
I guess I did write a little
somethin', new recently.

283
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,320
- Was it Little Red Corvette?
- No.

284
00:12:20,420 --> 00:12:22,290
Could you do Little Red Corvette?

285
00:12:22,390 --> 00:12:24,030
Just let him sing!

286
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:26,130
Dear friends, we are here

287
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:29,030
to talk about the history
of transportation.

288
00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:34,300
Damn. Locked.

289
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,540
I'll have to go to the roof.

290
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,540
This is amazing!

291
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,810
Is that... Stan?

292
00:12:40,910 --> 00:12:43,780
I see why they do action
scenes up here in movies!

293
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,280
The wind, the tunnels...

294
00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:46,820
Tunnel!

295
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,220
Dodged it.

296
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,790
That was awesome!

297
00:12:49,890 --> 00:12:51,650
Should I stay on top of the train?

298
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:53,190
No, no, family's in danger.

299
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,730
So, like I was saying...

300
00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:00,230
Dear friends, we are here...

301
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:01,500
Actually, could you not?

302
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,230
The moment's passed.

303
00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:05,840
Francine!
Family!

304
00:13:05,940 --> 00:13:08,000
What if something horrible
already happened?

305
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:11,140
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

306
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,540
Guys, guys, it's no biggie.

307
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,580
Cleaning out that ash pan
was all it took

308
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,980
to get this train cruising.

309
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,680
Well, look who it is.

310
00:13:19,780 --> 00:13:22,550
I'm sorry I got off the train,
but I'm back.

311
00:13:22,650 --> 00:13:24,630
And now we all have to get off
the train immediately.

312
00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:26,590
We're not going anywhere, Stan.

313
00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:29,330
Nice work, kid!

314
00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:31,190
The train is flying now!

315
00:13:31,290 --> 00:13:32,730
Bad guy!

316
00:13:32,830 --> 00:13:37,100
Francine, I know you're mad,
but if you come with me...

317
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,040
to the back... between two
passenger cars, there's a...

318
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:43,070
sick bat that will...

319
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:44,940
let you look at it up close.

320
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,440
Like at the lake house?

321
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:47,780
- Yes!
- No!

322
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,410
Francine, this man
is not what he seems.

323
00:13:50,510 --> 00:13:52,850
Yes, because he's acting.

324
00:13:52,950 --> 00:13:55,450
And you should know
all about acting

325
00:13:55,550 --> 00:13:58,960
because you've been
acting like a total ass!

326
00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:02,130
Nobody knows the train's
been hijacked.

327
00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:04,430
Why aren't these guys
making any demands?

328
00:14:04,530 --> 00:14:07,530
Oh, demands were made,
but nobody listened.

329
00:14:07,630 --> 00:14:11,700
But everybody's gonna hear
when this train blows sky high.

330
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,100
Destroy the train?
We have to stop them.

331
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,310
- Will you help me?
- Absolutely.

332
00:14:16,410 --> 00:14:18,850
- Great. You seem to know what's
going on with this gang. - Sure do.

333
00:14:18,870 --> 00:14:19,990
- Look just like them, in fact.
- Yes.

334
00:14:20,010 --> 00:14:21,010
Hat.

335
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,110
Pistols.

336
00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:23,880
All the way down
to the red bandana.

337
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,630
- Good eye.
- You're gonna knock me out, aren't you?

338
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:26,920
Yes, I am. That's correct.

339
00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:30,320
What's going on?

340
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:32,260
Are we still going to Dodge City?

341
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:36,230
We're goin' straight to hell!

342
00:14:36,330 --> 00:14:38,590
That was cool. That was
a really cool thing to say.

343
00:14:38,690 --> 00:14:40,260
You think that was cool?

344
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,600
Wait till the boys and I
ram this train

345
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:46,070
right into the Bradford
Railway Company headquarters.

346
00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:47,470
You'll kill everybody!

347
00:14:47,570 --> 00:14:49,610
Please, let me go.
Let me see my family.

348
00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:51,410
Boss, this one's being gross.

349
00:14:51,510 --> 00:14:54,810
She keeps speculating on the
size of Elliott Gould's penis.

350
00:14:54,910 --> 00:14:56,280
I bet it's a whopper!

351
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:57,750
Cuff her next to him.

352
00:14:57,850 --> 00:15:00,080
No, no, please!

353
00:15:00,180 --> 00:15:02,020
Sorry, my butt's pointed at you.

354
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,350
And, boy, when I get nervous,

355
00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:05,450
that's exactly where I fart from.

356
00:15:05,550 --> 00:15:07,490
Starting to wish
I hadn't horked down

357
00:15:07,590 --> 00:15:09,590
all those raw Brussels sprouts.

358
00:15:09,690 --> 00:15:11,630
Hurry! Crash the train!

359
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,880
You're gonna crash this train
into a building.

360
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,800
- Are you crazy?
- You think that's crazy?

361
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,510
You should see the price
of my dog's gourmet dog food.

362
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,280
But he insists on it.

363
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:28,610
- I eat it, too.
- Thank you.

364
00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:30,710
Now, why are you killing
all these innocent people?

365
00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:32,320
Innocent?!

366
00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:35,620
Nobody who supports the Bradford
Railway Company is innocent.

367
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,950
The Bradford Railway Company
carved up this land,

368
00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:41,620
laying tracks
wherever they damn well pleased.

369
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,890
They sent this Rambler
straight through

370
00:15:43,990 --> 00:15:46,860
my great-great-grandpappy's
property,

371
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,200
right between his home
and his outhouse!

372
00:15:52,570 --> 00:15:54,840
Whenever Pappy went to the john,

373
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:56,810
the Rambler blew through.

374
00:15:56,910 --> 00:16:00,340
And he had to hold it and hold it.

375
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,210
Till he couldn't hold it no more.

376
00:16:04,910 --> 00:16:08,180
Looks like my caboose
is cleaner than yours!

377
00:16:09,650 --> 00:16:11,090
So you're gonna crash this train

378
00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:12,990
into a building full of people

379
00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:16,430
all because some old relative
of yours messed his long johns?

380
00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:18,660
Put that rag back in your mouth!

381
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,060
I'm on a moral crusade!

382
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,100
Hey, guys, shouldn't we be making

383
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,530
some of these stop...

384
00:16:24,630 --> 00:16:25,900
Steve! Pull the brake!

385
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,350
They're trying to blow up
the train!

386
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:29,370
It's too late!

387
00:16:29,470 --> 00:16:32,210
He already taught me
everything I need to know,

388
00:16:32,310 --> 00:16:34,940
like how to cut the brakes!

389
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:39,050
This fool just cut
the steam whistle.

390
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:41,550
If he knew anything
about air compressors,

391
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:44,090
he would've used that lever
to disable the brakes.

392
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:47,520
Are you friggin' kidding me,
Steve?

393
00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:49,230
I need to be tested!

394
00:16:49,330 --> 00:16:51,130
Take them back with the others!

395
00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:52,900
They deserve a comfy seat

396
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,730
for when we all go up
in a giant ball of fire.

397
00:16:56,830 --> 00:16:59,030
When we what?!

398
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,640
Hey, Clint,
we all gonna get exploded?

399
00:17:01,740 --> 00:17:02,870
Yes, Donald.

400
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:04,710
Well, nobody told me that.

401
00:17:04,810 --> 00:17:06,410
They shouldn't have to!

402
00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:08,910
When you married my sister Sally,

403
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,810
you weren't just marrying her.

404
00:17:10,910 --> 00:17:13,250
You were marrying everything
that comes with her.

405
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:15,880
Like our family's
kamikaze blood vendettas!

406
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:20,620
Well, she's never mentioned
the grandpa-poop-pants thing.

407
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,630
Hell she didn't!
It was in her dang wedding vows!

408
00:17:23,730 --> 00:17:25,230
Damn it! You're right!

409
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:29,900
Just gonna grab my lucky hanky.

410
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,800
Thought I'd wave it around,
hoot and holler

411
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:34,670
as I ride this train to hell.

412
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:44,250
So I said to Nancy,

413
00:17:44,350 --> 00:17:47,180
"Let's just take our shoes off
and settle this right now,

414
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,850
'cause no one has
less toenails than me."

415
00:17:49,950 --> 00:17:52,320
Aunt Karen, are you senile
to the max or what?

416
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:54,460
We're gonna die!

417
00:17:55,590 --> 00:17:56,960
Senile?

418
00:17:57,060 --> 00:17:58,530
You're the one
who lost his marbles!

419
00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:00,860
I used to play marbles.

420
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:01,960
Was pretty good.

421
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,870
Your oxygen.

422
00:18:05,970 --> 00:18:07,300
Don't worry, Karen.

423
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,710
- It'll all be over soon.
- No!

424
00:18:09,810 --> 00:18:11,440
What are you doing?!
Help!

425
00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:12,610
My juice!

426
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:14,380
He's killing me!

427
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:26,720
Now let's stop this thing.

428
00:18:31,730 --> 00:18:33,960
Whoooo!

429
00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:38,700
Gunshots!
Should we check them out?

430
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,640
I think I'll go the other way.

431
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,970
Wait, Prince.

432
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:44,510
Any last advice
for us mere mortals?

433
00:18:44,610 --> 00:18:47,910
Yes. Write a song about a year
that hasn't happened yet.

434
00:18:48,010 --> 00:18:51,810
And then when that year arrives,
the song will be very popular.

435
00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:54,480
I can't stop it!

436
00:18:54,580 --> 00:18:57,320
We need to disconnect all the
passenger cars from the engine.

437
00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:59,150
But the engine will still hit
the building

438
00:18:59,260 --> 00:19:00,890
and kill everyone inside.

439
00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:02,860
Nothing's good enough for you!

440
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,490
But you're right.

441
00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:06,860
We've also gotta blow up
the engine before it crashes.

442
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,830
My oxygen!
We can...

443
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:10,480
Use it to create
a pressurized explosion!

444
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:11,900
It was my idea.
I said it first.

445
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,440
But how do we not
get blown up ourselves?

446
00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:18,840
Because I had the foresight to
get off the train and buy this.

447
00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:24,080
Okay, pull it.

448
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:29,120
Okay, shoot.

449
00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:31,720
Too close. We need more space.

450
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:33,420
Still too close.

451
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,190
Too close.

452
00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:36,860
Prince is alive!

453
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,840
- He's on the train!
- Quiet! I'm in the middle of...

454
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,530
Oh, my God, seriously?!
That's amazing!

455
00:19:41,630 --> 00:19:43,130
Hey, what happened to the engine?

456
00:19:43,230 --> 00:19:46,570
I'm comin', Grandpappy!

457
00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,640
Oh, God, it's too far now.

458
00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:50,040
Not for me!

459
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,620
I could've done that.

460
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,920
We went through the fire.

461
00:20:08,020 --> 00:20:10,290
My face was hot for a second.

462
00:20:20,170 --> 00:20:22,310
You have the right
to remain funky.

463
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,610
Stan! You're alive!

464
00:20:26,710 --> 00:20:28,340
Thank God everyone's okay.

465
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,280
I'm so sorry I abandoned you.

466
00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,750
I know you didn't want
to come on this dumb trip,

467
00:20:32,850 --> 00:20:35,080
and turns out you were right.

468
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:36,750
No, I was wrong.

469
00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:39,490
What I did right was marry you.

470
00:20:39,590 --> 00:20:42,290
And I married everything
that comes with you.

471
00:20:42,390 --> 00:20:44,630
I learned that from the bad guys.

472
00:20:44,730 --> 00:20:46,800
Bad guys are smart sometimes.

473
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:48,130
So what do you guys say?

474
00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:50,130
Aunt Karen's for a long weekend?

475
00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:52,300
I think the hospital
may be a better place.

476
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,500
- She can't breathe.
- Oh, she needs oxygen.

477
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,550
- Oh, boy. Okay, that's a priority.
- Okay, we need to find that right away.

478
00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:58,570
- Let's go, hurry up.
- Quickly, quickly, everyone!

479
00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:06,150
Bye! Have a beautiful time!

480
00:21:06,250 --> 00:21:08,120
...Captions by VITAC...