This magazine rules!
The whole issue is about old steam locomotives.
There's even an article on the physics
of opening a hose called the monkey tail
so the steam doesn't...
Wait, why am I reading about trains?
Do I like trains?
I got it for you!
I heard kids on the spectrum
love to learn about that sort of stuff.
I'm not on the spectrum!
Wait, could I be? Should we test me for that?
Steve, testing kids is very expensive,
whereas that magazine was $2.50.
250th day of the year, September 7th.
In 1991, actor Harry Hamlin
marries actress Nicollette Sheridan.
My second favorite Desperate Housewife!
She is a gem!
Speaking of gems, the Bradford Railway Company
is retiring their most famous train, the Dodge City Rambler.
It's making one last trip from D.C. to Dodge City, Kansas.
Did you say Dodge City?
My Aunt Karen lives in Dodge City!
It's been ages, but you remember Aunt Karen, right?
Karen.
You are so greedy, Orvis.
Some people think it's gross to share food with a dog,
but the way I figure, we both already have heartworm,
so why the heck not?
Karen.
Oh, Stan remembers!
And since the train's going to Dodge City,
we can take the train and visit her.
No, no! No Karen!
- I hate it there! - What?
Honey, Karen and I don't gel.
She thinks I'm just wonderful,
and I think she's a slob who should be thrown off a cliff.
I don't always gel with your family, but I'm there for you.
Of course.
It's much easier for you because my family's better.
We're taking the train to visit Aunt Karen.
End of discussion.
Wait. What just happened?
You blew it, homeboy.
What are you doing down there?
Not having sex with Jeff!
We know the living room's off limits, Mr. S!
And we would never use the feeling of danger
to juice the lovemaking.
That's a big train!
If anyone else is in this room, come out now!
Roger?
Okay, now, as I was say...
Roger!
It's okay. It's okay, everyone.
It was just Roger hiding in the drapes like yesterday.
Oh, good. Other people wore the clothes, too.
Stan, I'm glad you came around.
And even though you didn't use your words,
your being here is all the apology I need.
I'm only here because you hid all my regular clothes.
Memphis Stormfront here.
Even though I'm a weatherman
and a hurricane is raging just 10 miles away,
I'm happy to be reporting on this train thing!
Dodge City Rambler! Oh, yeah!
People are excited!
For some reason!
The Rambler is not just a train.
It's also a time machine to the 1800s.
1800?! That's a perfect SAT score!
That's totally wrong.
And watch out for the Magilicutty Gang!
The sworn enemy of the Bradford Railway Company!
Oh, screw this.
The train's going to Dodge City
to become part of some stupid museum.
The Boot Hill Museum, y'all!
Get outta my shot!
What's taking so long?!
I don't want to spend one minute more than I have to
in these stupid clothes on this stupid train
on the way to visit your stupid, frizzy-haired...
- Slob! - Hello, everyone!
Oh, my God! Aunt Karen!
- Stan, it's... - Slob!
Why is slob here?!
When I heard you were visiting,
I thought, "Oh, great!
I'll come and ride with you!"
Fantastic!
It'll give us even more time together!
Great! Now, who wants to help me
comb the two insanely long hairs
I have growing out of my shoulder?
Stan?
This is a stickup!
Phones in the bag!
Let's turn back the clock to a time before phones.
But after guns and bags.
Hey, Roger.
That guy. Does he look familiar to you?
Hayley, that's James Corden.
What? James Corden is white.
I think that turned out to be a cruel rumor.
Look! He avoided eye contact!
He's definitely someone.
- We should... - Blow him. Totally agree.
Let's move.
The Bradford Railway Company welcomes you aboard!
So relax and enjoy a taste of how America used to travel.
Isn't this charming?!
Maybe ol' sleepin' tube-nose here
will enjoy a view of the smoke.
Motherf...
By golly, they said it couldn't be done,
but you, Joseph Bradford,
have built the greatest train on Earth!
What is this? Why is this happening?
It's wonderful actors, Dad!
You can tell by how loud they're talking
that this is a huge break for them.
I did it for all Americans!
I just wish that poor and dirty Magilicutty Family
saw it that way.
Oh, the Magilicutty Gang!
They're lost souls, each one.
What should we do about them, sir?
I don't do audience participation.
Hey.
The Magilicutty Gang!
Christ, more hacky actors?!
Hey, I was one of the bankers
in the movie Requiem for a Dream
that yells, "Ass to ass," in that one scene.
A little respect.
These private lounge cars cost $20,000 to make
in the 19th century.
Nearly $1 million in today's currency.
Are there any questions?
Is money always worthing more in the future?
Hi. Sorry to bother you,
but do I know you from somewhere?
I don't think so.
'Scuse me, I dropped my lawnmower.
I don't even know why I brought it.
This is a train. Anyway, you look familiar.
May I...
Please. I'm trying to learn.
- You James Corden? - No!
Now, leave me alone!
Now approaching Roanoke Station.
Dad, this train has a Mallet front cab boiler.
That was a big leap forward in train technology.
But was it as big a leap as this?
General store, getting snacks!
You have anything for the man
who was tricked into a train trip?
I have Popsicles.
Okay, two of those.
You sell marbles!
I haven't played those since I was a kid!
Good ones! Good feel on these.
These other ones look like good ones, too!
Sir, I think you're gonna miss your train.
Oh, dang! A Tiger Eye Shooter!
I always wanted one!
That's your train, sir.
Sometimes you have to pass up one opportunity for another.
Sir!
I always thought if I ran this store for long enough,
a nice lady would come in.
But it's just men stealing marbles, day after day.
You don't have to worry about me missing the train.
I came on foot. With plenty of money.
Where are your marbles?
I'll of course need to handle them.
You know, the marbles.
Stan! Move it!
Oh, no!
I'm missing the train!
Hurry, Billy!
I'm coming, Daddy!
Billy, you monstrous kiss-ass.
Eat my dust.
I gave it my all, Francine. I'll just meet you there.
Damn you, Stan!
You're nothing but a crumb-bum!
She uttered the C-word!
Help! No! He's got a gun! Help!
The play's finally getting good, and I'm missing it.
I've been shot.
Well, now you ruined it.
I mean, your acting is blah!
The other guy, the gun guy, he brought it.
No! The Magilicuttys are hijacking the train!
The real Magilicuttys!
Listen closely.
You need to quit acting.
All of this sucks.
Sure, the special effects are decent.
You're not any good!
All right, now, this... this here isn't bad.
And that pebble in your open eye...
I mean, I'd be blinking.
Well, after five minutes of trying to remember
how to do CPR, I'm officially calling it.
You're dead.
Okay, what do I know?
One, I have marbles.
Two, I don't know CPR.
Three, there are actual murderous outlaws
on the train with my family.
I have to get on that train!
Let's turn it around.
I'm commandeering this handcar.
What?! No!
I'm out looking for purdy ladies!
Let me just say the ladies in that direction
are wowza, wowza, wowza!
Okay, now, this is interesting, Mom.
They used Harding bearings along the pistons.
Your dad abandoned us!
Actually, the train's lighter now, yeah, yeah.
Should improve our power-to-weight ratio.
Dear old Dad, always thinking of his family.
That's not what's happening!
Hey, the engineer wouldn't cooperate.
I had to kill him.
But he's the only one who knows how to operate this thing!
If the train slows down, our plan will never work!
Let me think.
Somebody here has to know something.
A Tennison crankshaft rod!
Well, that makes two hard rods.
Shut that kid up!
You idiot!
That's our guy.
Howdy, folks!
I understand we have a little boy with trains on the brain.
Well, I don't like labels.
But do you like going to the front
and seeing all the spectrum
attention-grabbin' dials and gauges?
Why does everybody assume I'm on the spectrum?
Take me to the gauges immediately.
No eye contact.
I have to pump fast to catch up with the ladies,
but I have to save some energy for the ladies themselves!
You know what I mean?
I know there's one lady in this direction
who's in a whole lot of trouble, and we've got to save her.
Does she have great big knockers?
Damn right she does.
The Dodge City Rambler was the way to the West.
The chains you see ensured consensual sex workers
and well-treated Chinese immigrants
were comfortable on their journeys.
Moving on.
All right, buddy, enough.
- Quit dodging us. - Who are you?!
This isn't going to end, will it?
- Never! - Actually, I'll lose interest pretty soon.
I'm Prince.
Rock god, sex icon.
Prince.
No way!
100% it's him.
Send him to me! I'll be the judge of that!
Pump for your life!
We made it!
Okay, now, where them ladies at?
He died doing the thing he loved...
being unsure where them ladies at.
You see, I faked my death because my touring schedule
didn't give me time to study my true passion...
the history of transportation.
Would you... consider singing something?
Well, if you keep my secret,
I guess I did write a little somethin', new recently.
- Was it Little Red Corvette? - No.
Could you do Little Red Corvette?
Just let him sing!
Dear friends, we are here
to talk about the history of transportation.
Damn. Locked.
I'll have to go to the roof.
This is amazing!
Is that... Stan?
I see why they do action scenes up here in movies!
The wind, the tunnels...
Tunnel!
Dodged it.
That was awesome!
Should I stay on top of the train?
No, no, family's in danger.
So, like I was saying...
Dear friends, we are here...
Actually, could you not?
The moment's passed.
Francine! Family!
What if something horrible already happened?
Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!
Guys, guys, it's no biggie.
Cleaning out that ash pan was all it took
to get this train cruising.
Well, look who it is.
I'm sorry I got off the train, but I'm back.
And now we all have to get off the train immediately.
We're not going anywhere, Stan.
Nice work, kid!
The train is flying now!
Bad guy!
Francine, I know you're mad, but if you come with me...
to the back... between two passenger cars, there's a...
sick bat that will...
let you look at it up close.
Like at the lake house?
- Yes! - No!
Francine, this man is not what he seems.
Yes, because he's acting.
And you should know all about acting
because you've been acting like a total ass!
Nobody knows the train's been hijacked.
Why aren't these guys making any demands?
Oh, demands were made, but nobody listened.
But everybody's gonna hear when this train blows sky high.
Destroy the train? We have to stop them.
- Will you help me? - Absolutely.
- Great. You seem to know what's going on with this gang. - Sure do.
- Look just like them, in fact. - Yes.
Hat.
Pistols.
All the way down to the red bandana.
- Good eye. - You're gonna knock me out, aren't you?
Yes, I am. That's correct.
What's going on?
Are we still going to Dodge City?
We're goin' straight to hell!
That was cool. That was a really cool thing to say.
You think that was cool?
Wait till the boys and I ram this train
right into the Bradford Railway Company headquarters.
You'll kill everybody!
Please, let me go. Let me see my family.
Boss, this one's being gross.
She keeps speculating on the size of Elliott Gould's penis.
I bet it's a whopper!
Cuff her next to him.
No, no, please!
Sorry, my butt's pointed at you.
And, boy, when I get nervous,
that's exactly where I fart from.
Starting to wish I hadn't horked down
all those raw Brussels sprouts.
Hurry! Crash the train!
You're gonna crash this train into a building.
- Are you crazy? - You think that's crazy?
You should see the price of my dog's gourmet dog food.
But he insists on it.
- I eat it, too. - Thank you.
Now, why are you killing all these innocent people?
Innocent?!
Nobody who supports the Bradford Railway Company is innocent.
The Bradford Railway Company carved up this land,
laying tracks wherever they damn well pleased.
They sent this Rambler straight through
my great-great-grandpappy's property,
right between his home and his outhouse!
Whenever Pappy went to the john,
the Rambler blew through.
And he had to hold it and hold it.
Till he couldn't hold it no more.
Looks like my caboose is cleaner than yours!
So you're gonna crash this train
into a building full of people
all because some old relative of yours messed his long johns?
Put that rag back in your mouth!
I'm on a moral crusade!
Hey, guys, shouldn't we be making
some of these stop...
Steve! Pull the brake!
They're trying to blow up the train!
It's too late!
He already taught me everything I need to know,
like how to cut the brakes!
This fool just cut the steam whistle.
If he knew anything about air compressors,
he would've used that lever to disable the brakes.
Are you friggin' kidding me, Steve?
I need to be tested!
Take them back with the others!
They deserve a comfy seat
for when we all go up in a giant ball of fire.
When we what?!
Hey, Clint, we all gonna get exploded?
Yes, Donald.
Well, nobody told me that.
They shouldn't have to!
When you married my sister Sally,
you weren't just marrying her.
You were marrying everything that comes with her.
Like our family's kamikaze blood vendettas!
Well, she's never mentioned the grandpa-poop-pants thing.
Hell she didn't! It was in her dang wedding vows!
Damn it! You're right!
Just gonna grab my lucky hanky.
Thought I'd wave it around, hoot and holler
as I ride this train to hell.
So I said to Nancy,
"Let's just take our shoes off and settle this right now,
'cause no one has less toenails than me."
Aunt Karen, are you senile to the max or what?
We're gonna die!
Senile?
You're the one who lost his marbles!
I used to play marbles.
Was pretty good.
Your oxygen.
Don't worry, Karen.
- It'll all be over soon. - No!
What are you doing?! Help!
My juice!
He's killing me!
Now let's stop this thing.
Whoooo!
Gunshots! Should we check them out?
I think I'll go the other way.
Wait, Prince.
Any last advice for us mere mortals?
Yes. Write a song about a year that hasn't happened yet.
And then when that year arrives, the song will be very popular.
I can't stop it!
We need to disconnect all the passenger cars from the engine.
But the engine will still hit the building
and kill everyone inside.
Nothing's good enough for you!
But you're right.
We've also gotta blow up the engine before it crashes.
My oxygen! We can...
Use it to create a pressurized explosion!
It was my idea. I said it first.
But how do we not get blown up ourselves?
Because I had the foresight to get off the train and buy this.
Okay, pull it.
Okay, shoot.
Too close. We need more space.
Still too close.
Too close.
Prince is alive!
- He's on the train! - Quiet! I'm in the middle of...
Oh, my God, seriously?! That's amazing!
Hey, what happened to the engine?
I'm comin', Grandpappy!
Oh, God, it's too far now.
Not for me!
I could've done that.
We went through the fire.
My face was hot for a second.
You have the right to remain funky.
Stan! You're alive!
Thank God everyone's okay.
I'm so sorry I abandoned you.
I know you didn't want to come on this dumb trip,
and turns out you were right.
No, I was wrong.
What I did right was marry you.
And I married everything that comes with you.
I learned that from the bad guys.
Bad guys are smart sometimes.
So what do you guys say?
Aunt Karen's for a long weekend?
I think the hospital may be a better place.
- She can't breathe. - Oh, she needs oxygen.
- Oh, boy. Okay, that's a priority. - Okay, we need to find that right away.
- Let's go, hurry up. - Quickly, quickly, everyone!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
...Captions by VITAC...