♪ American Dad 1x01 ♪ Pilot Original Air Date on February 6, 2005
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy it's swell to say ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪♪ [Humming] ♪♪
- ♪♪ [Continues Humming] ♪♪ - Shut up, Steve! I have a term paper due.
Ooh, yeah, right. Community college.
Big girl. Big girl. Hey, you think that diploma...
will help you land a better section when you're waitressing at the Olive Garden?
Think you'll hit puberty before you turn 14?
Why? You wanna do it with me? You're sick.
Steve, you've only got one sister. Be nice.
And, Hayley, Steve's big-boy hair isn't gonna...
come in any faster with you taunting him.
Oh, Francine, Liebchen...
I love the way you rule with an iron fist.
You know, perhaps when you are finished there, you would stick your naughty pinky finger...
into mein bowl und let me feel you.
- Klaus, I don't think. - You're right. When the kids are gone.
No, Roger, you cannot borrow the car!
You think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.
If my superiors at the C.I.A. found out you were living here, we'd have our memories erased.
Did you see Memento? It's not as good the second time.
- The point is, you are not allowed to leave the house. - For God's sakes, Stan.
I just wanna pick up a pack of smokes.
[Sighs] Have you managed to contact your home planet yet?
Oh, you know, I was gonna do it yesterday, but I got distracted.
VH1 was running this "I Love the '80s" marathon.
Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf?
I don't know. Somehow it's hard to take him as seriously.
Oh, hey, Francine, did you get those pecan sandies I asked for?
Oh, Roger, I'm sorry. I was at the market yesterday, and I forgot.
[Inhales Sharply] Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.
- I'll pick some up this afternoon. - Francine, be careful today.
We're at terror alert orange, which means something might go down...
somewhere in some way at some point in time, so look sharp!
You know, Dad, it's great that you and your C.I.A. buddies...
have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
You like shavin' your armpits, Hayley, huh?
'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go.
[Pops]
It's just toast, Dad.
This time it was toast, Hayley this time.
It's okay. This one'll be mine.
Hey, Steve, how's it goin' with that gal on the lacrosse team I picked out for ya?
Actually, Dad, I have decided to go for the brass ring.
Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver, head cheerleader and future Mrs. Steve Smith.
Yeah. I like the sound of that: Steve Smith.
That's my boy. You hear that, Francine?
Hey, Francine, tell Steve how many girls I dated in high school.
- I didn't meet you till college. - No, but I've told you.
- Steve, I sure hope she says yes. - Don't worry.
She won't turn you down. You're a Smith, and a Smith always gets his girl.
- Mmm. Mmm. - [Giggling]
Resist him, Francine. Resist him!
You und I are meant to be. [Gasps] Happy hour!
[Gobbling]
Steve, isn't Lisa Silver way out of your league?
Well, now, Hayley, don't bury him before he's dead.
I think you got a shot, Steve, as long as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt.
[Screams]
Oh, don't everybody help at once.
My goodness, Roger. When was the last time you weighed yourself?
Oh, oh. Ow, ow, Francine. You know, we can't all look...
like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies.
I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you on a diet.
- Starting today, no more junk food. - What? No.
No. Not my Franken Berries. Oh, Francine, please. Be reasonable. [Yelps]
Oh, God. I've got a bear claw in my ass.
Okay. So that's two million halogen lamps and 500,000 coffee tables.
- Thanks a lot. - Hey, Stan. What was that all about?
Oh, we just signed a contract with I KEA to furnish Iraq.
Basically, the whole country's gonna look like your first apartment.
I like this. It fits with our hip, twentysomething lifestyle.
Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on!
Now, how about a beer?
Hey, Jackson. Check out what I bought online. It's a pencil...
and the eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper.
Ha! Best 40 bucks I ever spent.
- Wow. You're in a good mood today. - You bet I am.
- My kid's asking out a cheerleader. - Steve?
That's right. I tell you. He's just like his old man.
Hey, Marcus, check this out! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!
[Stan Laughing Heartily]
He thought it was funny too.
There she is. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me...
I have a fully developed woman to conquer.
Lisa Silver? Dude, you're a madman.
Thank you, Snot.
[Asian Language]
It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi. Thank you.
- Steven! Steven! Steven! - You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks.
- [Loud Snap] - Ow!
Hi, Lisa. Did that hurt so good?
It's Steve, Steve Smith. Remember me?
Ah, it'll come to ya. Hey, you wanna go out Friday night?
- It's okay, baby. I can handle this. - Yeah, baby.
How could she just reject me like... like I was a nobody?
- Hey. I love your dog. - Thanks.
Hey, wanna come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
- Okay. - And then we can play with this dog.
Wait a minute. That's it! I just need to get a dog...
and women will be all over my jock.
In other news, the White House was stunned today...
when President Bush received a phone call from God himself.
Uh, hey, George. It's God.
- Well, hey. How you doin'? - Good. Good. Doin' good.
Hey, listen. Big favor. Is there any way that you could kind of, uh...
from now on just sort of downplay our relationship more in your public addresses?
- What do you mean? - Well, I mean, uh...
[Stammering] to give you an example...
All right. When you make comments like, "God wanted me to be president."
You know, that would be an example of maybe something to just kind of keep to yourself.
Just to kind of, like, distance yourself from me a bit more.
- Well, uh, sure. I mean, if you want. - Great. Great. Thanks.
- [Phone Beeps] - Ooh. That's Cheney. I gotta take it. Yes, sir?
- And on Wall Street today, the Dow was down again. - [Alarm Blaring]
Ow! Dad, get off me! I have to study for my term paper!
- You know the procedure, Hayley. - How come you never search Steve?
Now, honey, I love you both, but Steve is not a left-wing liberal...
who I tried to raise properly but somehow...
- What's this? - It's a pack of gum.
All right. It's gum.
Hey, champ. When's your big date?
- Um, she was out sick today. - Well, that's all right. You'll get her tomorrow.
Hey, listen. Mom, Dad, can I have a dog?
Absolutely not. It's enough that we've got an alien...
and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy.
Oh, Francine, I can see your Schmutzklitzen.
- [Sighs] - Sorry, Steve. No dog.
- I'm more than happy to get you an Etch A Sketch. - Mom.
You know, Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea.
It might teach Steve the responsibility he'll need...
for when he, one day, joins the army.
- Are you seriously contemplating a military career? - Thinking about it.
Hey, did somebody order a brand-new dog?
Oh, sweet, Dad! You're the best! What the hell is that?
- It's a dog. - [Metal Rattling]
- Oh, my God. - He can barely stand up.
- Well, of course. He's 19. - Stan, honey, didn't the pound have any younger dogs?
Francine, this dog has character. He was around for the Reagan administration.
- He knows how things are supposed to be. - Eh.
Oh, damn it. He's gonna pee! No, no, no, no!
- [Squeak] - Nope. Just dust.
Hey, dumb-ass! Your dog's half dead!
You hear that, boy? That girl talked to me, and I didn't even have to talk to her first.
Come on, Thor. Let's go cruise the mall.
Francine, you are one lucky lady.
You can do anything you want to this body because you married it.
- Mm-hmm. - I hope you're not taking all this for granted.
No potato chips. No cupcakes.
Damn it, Francine, I'm gonna hawk a loogie in your Oil of Olay!
- Where's your machete? - Honey, take it easy.
If I die, you must protect the clan!
- Osama, is that you? - [Clanking]
Gee, Stan. What gives?
Holy Toledo. You killed your son's dog.
And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing...
because that's a giant load of crap.
God, please watch over the soul of this dead dog...
and carry him up to heaven, because he sure as hell can't walk.
- He's dead. Amen. - That was beautiful, honey.
I used to have a dog and legs and arms.
I was an Olympic skier before the C.I.A. switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
What were we supposed to do? Just let East Germany win that gold medal? Not on my watch.
[Lips Popping]
- [Popping Continues] - [Spectators] Ohh.
Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control.
You know what I have to say to that?
Ah. I thought I was gonna fart.
This sucks. Now I'm never gonna get a girl.
- Wait a minute. Is that why you wanted the dog? - Yes, sir.
Son, you don't need a dog when your old dad...
is the greatest ladies' man of all time... come on!
Now, Steve, girls love a guy who can protect them.
Now I'm gonna pretend I'm a thief and snatch her purse.
Then you'll chase me down, tackle me and win her heart.
- Got it? - Got it, Dad.
Oh, my God. My mom almost caught me throwing up last night...
- Hey! My purse! - Don't worry, young lady!
Hey, you! Come back here!
[Bystanders Grunting]
- [Man Moaning] - [People Grunting, Yelping]
- [Man] Hey! - [Man #2] Oh, no!
[Panting]
[Women Screaming]
[Car Alarm Blaring]
Okay. I got a little carried away back there.
- Hey, Jeff. - Hey, babe. Some guy at the restaurant...
sent his meat loaf back because there was a hair in it, but it's cool, because it was mine!
- Picnic in the park? - I can't. I have this paper due.
Bummer. Well, you know what Shakespeare said.
I mean, I don't, but I'm sure you do. See ya!
Chillin' with Jeff. Sounds like fun.
- Yeah, but this is due tomorrow. - Listen, Hayleykins.
Obviously I can't leave the house, but if you supply me with Twinkies...
Ho Hos, you know, any of your basic white trash foodstuffs...
that your freakin' mother won't let me have, I'll write your paper for you.
- What do you know about Crime and Punishment? - You mean, besides the fact...
that the suffering of man is both necessary and useful...
which is revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption?
- Nothing. - You got a deal.
Sorry about that. Once every seven hours, like clockwork.
Oh, my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
- Hilary, could you pass the salt? - Pass him the salt.
So, as I was saying, student body elections are next week...
and I have personally been wedgied by both candidates.
Whoa. You hear that, Hilary? Looks like you're a winner with Steve.
Help me!
Dad, you can't go around abducting people just because you're C.I.A.
- Hilary, look out for the mines! - [Explosion]
- [Scream] - What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
- You said, "Look out for the mines." - I said "Look out for the mines."
I didn't have this problem getting girls.
A little observation, Stan. Steve isn't like you.
You're a big, powerful guy. Women are attracted to power, and Steve just doesn't have any.
That's it. If Steve needs power...
I'll rig the school election and make him student body president.
- Wow. Can you do that? - Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger.
You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election?
Seven.
All right, Steve. Now the key to fixing any election...
is to cast doubt on your opponent.
Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president. Shelly for president.
Sure, you can vote for Shelly Maxwell, if you don't mind voting for a prostitute!
- What? - Don't play coy, you cardigan Jezebel!
I have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack in the Box man.
- [Gasping] - Ew!
- The Jack in the Box man? He's not even human! - That's sick!
- Dad, is that really the Jack in the Box man? - Yeah. He's in our basement.
- [Screaming] - [Screaming]
- You know, I got an "A" on that paper. - My pleasure.
- Got anything else in the pipeline? - I've got a poli-sci paper.
- You know anything about Henry Kissinger? - All I know is he's Jewish...
but if you get me some churros, I can probably stretch that into about 12 pages.
Hey, Steve. Congratulations.
Why, thank you, Lisa. Say, I was thinking, maybe you and I could...
- Go out? I'd love to. - Yes!
Oh, my God! Score, score, score, score, score!
- Women love a man with power. - You were right, Dad.
Hey. Sorry to interrupt, Stan.
- I was gonna take a shower, but we're all out of Prell. You mind pickin' some up? - Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Oh, hey, Steve, kudos on the beeyatch.
- Man, your stream is so powerful. - Thanks.
I wish your locker wasn't right next to the boys' room.
Yeah, me too. Then again, I am student body president.
Smith, what's the meaning of this?
Principal Lewis, I'm taking your office.
Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statute 39-F, quote, "The student body president...
may acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
You can read! The system works! I'll be back for my stuff.
You're amazing, Steve. I'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out.
This is it. I have absolute power.
Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot?
Welcome, buffalo. As you must have heard...
I've been elected student body president.
As such, I can do anything I want...
- and I want... to ride the buffalo! - [Braying]
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Yes!
- I'm riding the buffalo! - [Continues Braying]
- [Buffalo Snorts] - Now send in the lunch lady.
The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough. Take it back.
Steve, you're the greatest boyfriend I've ever had.
My dear, I'm just getting started. Bobby, get over here.
I want my Shazam! shirt dry-cleaned and pressed by third period.
Oh, and another thing. All periods will now be called "Steves."
Hey, I'm thinkin' of cuttin' third Steve. You in?
- Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve. - So if it's a statement...
it should always be followed by a Steve.
Mr. Philips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
Mmm. Oh, Hayley, you are the best.
Mmm. Now what else we got here? Chocodiles. Haven't tried those.
Oh. Oh-ho-ho.
Oh, my God! How good are these!
Oh. Mmm-mmm. Dangerous. Mmm.
How's my paper comin', Roger? You know, it's due tomorrow morning.
- I got it under control, Hayley. Do not worry. - Okay.
By the way, Hayley... Oh, my God. These Chocodiles...
These Chocodiles, Hayley... Oh, my God.
These Chocodiles... Oh, my God.
- Um, yeah. They're good. Back to work. - I'm on it.
[Birds Chirping]
[Gasps] Oh, no. Hayley!
Hayley! Hayley, wake up. I fell asleep. I had a sugar crash and I fell asleep.
- I didn't do the paper. - What? It's due in two hours!
I know. I'm a douche bag, but the important thing now is to find a way to buy more time...
Holy frijole. I got an idea.
Well, under the circumstances, I think we can give you another few days for your paper.
Thank you, Mr. Goodwin.
Hey, these chocolate lockers were a great idea!
- Mine has nut clusters. Thanks, Steve. - No problem.
I am a river to my people, and I hope you're all enjoying the computer lab...
now that I've disabled the porn blocker.
Yeah. I never knew Todd's mom had a Web site.
- Pretty sexy, huh, guys? - Sure is, Todd.
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
- Ew. What are you doing? - What? I'm kissing my woman.
Steve, I like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not gonna kiss you.
I mean, I'm beautiful, and you're repulsive.
- But... But I thought you liked me. - Yeah. You were supposed to.
[Moaning]
Attention: There is a new school policy.
[On P.A.] Anyone caught holding hands, hugging or swapping saliva...
will be expelled from school permanently.
It's too risky right now. I'll come back tonight.
- [Phone Ringing] - This is Stan Smith.
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Oh, God. He's gay. This is it. This is the gay call.
- I've been ready for this for years. - Uh, no.
It's just that he's gone mad with power.
He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
I see. Henry, antidote!
Hey, how'd the dead dog work out? Did it buy us some time?
- Yeah. He gave me till Monday. - Oh, great. Here's my list.
Sorry, Roger. That was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work.
Wha... But l... Wh... Where am I gonna get my fix?
- Not my problem. - You can't do it alone, Hayley.
You don't have the skills. You're not smart enough.
Somebody'll clean that up.
- Steve, this is your father. - Get out of here, Dad. I'm not comin' out.
All right. I'm going in. Francine, keep talking to him.
- Be careful, honey. - Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo.
- Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Are you all right? - I'm fine, honey. It's okay.
- Oh, God. I just meant to brush you lightly. - I know, sweetie. It's all right.
- I guess I don't know my own strength. - Go get Steve, honey.
- Right. - Steve, it's Mommy.
Listen, honey. You're not alone.
When I was your age, I had a huge crush on someone too...
Mr. Feeny, my algebra teacher.
Such a cute man with a neat little beard. [Chuckles]
Of course, he didn't take me seriously, but that all changed...
when his wife found me in their closet...
- cutting myself and sniffing his T-shirts. - [Yelps]
- Dad, what are you doing? - Stopping you from making a huge mistake.
[Francine On Bullhorn] I lied and told the police we were lovers.
- He either killed himself, or he's in jail... - Francine, for God's sake!
I got him! Wanna talk about it, champ?
Dad, Lisa only liked me because I was school president.
She thinks I'm repulsive, and the worst part of it is, she's right.
Steve, I promise you, and this comes from years of experience: Women are never right.
I was crazy to think any girl could ever like me.
Look at me. I am repulsive.
No, you're not. Look, Son. Roger was right. You're not like me.
You're not as good looking or as strong or as smart or as good sexually.
[Francine On Bullhorn] Oh, wait. He killed himself in jail.
Damn it, Francine! We're having a moment here!
Listen, Son. I'm gonna show you something I've never shown anyone before.
- That's me when I was your age. - Oh, my God! You were hideous!
Well, I certainly wasn't the stallion I am today.
The point is, Steve, you'll be just fine, because you're chock-full of potential.
Wow. Thanks, Dad. Aw, but I don't wanna face Lisa Silver.
I got you covered. Hello? I.N. S?
Is this Nick? Hey, Nick. It's Stan. Hey, what's goin' on?
Hey, how'd that wiretap on your wife work out?
Oh. Oh. Sorry about that.
But, hey, better with your brother than some stranger, right?
Yeah. Movin' on. Movin' on. Right. Right.
Say, listen, could you do me a huge favor?
You know the Silver family at 419 Elm? Yeah. Let's deport them.
You're the best, Dad.
Mmm. Great stew, Francine.
The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken beef ship.
Steve, you're awfully quiet. Are you still upset about what happened at school?
I'm fine with that. I just wish I was smoother with the ladies.
Oh, okay, Melissa. So I'll meet you at the arcade tomorrow after school.
Bye. Thanks for the help, coach.
My pleasure. But if you expect to get any boob...
I'm gonna need a butt-load of Twinkies.
Uh, "Gesundheit"?
Have a great night.
Corrected by Aiser