1
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<font color=#00FF00>♪ American Dad 1x01 ♪</font>
<font color=#00FFFF>Pilot</font>
Original Air Date on February 6, 2005

2
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<i>♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪</i>

3
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<i>♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪</i>

4
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<i>♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪</i>

5
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<i>♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ Oh, boy
it's swell to say ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪</i>

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[Chorus]
<i>♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪</i>

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♪♪ [Humming] ♪♪

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- ♪♪ [Continues Humming] ♪♪
- Shut up, Steve! I have a term paper due.

11
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Ooh, yeah, right.
Community college.

12
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Big girl. Big girl.
Hey, you think that diploma...

13
00:00:49,139 --> 00:00:52,438
will help you land a better section when
you're waitressing at the Olive Garden?

14
00:00:52,543 --> 00:00:54,670
Think you'll hit puberty
before you turn 14?

15
00:00:54,778 --> 00:00:56,746
Why? You wanna do it with me?
You're sick.

16
00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:59,782
Steve, you've only got one sister.
Be nice.

17
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And, Hayley,
Steve's big-boy hair isn't gonna...

18
00:01:02,519 --> 00:01:05,010
come in any faster
with you taunting him.

19
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Oh, Francine, Liebchen...

20
00:01:07,357 --> 00:01:10,019
I love the way you rule
with an iron fist.

21
00:01:10,127 --> 00:01:14,086
You know, perhaps when you are finished there,
you would stick your naughty pinky finger...

22
00:01:14,198 --> 00:01:16,325
into mein bowl
und let me feel you.

23
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- Klaus, I don't think.
- You're right. When the kids are gone.

24
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No, Roger, you cannot
borrow the car!

25
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You think you'd be a little more grateful
to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.

26
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If my superiors at the C.I.A. found out you were
living here, we'd have our memories erased.

27
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Did you see Memento?
It's not as good the second time.

28
00:01:34,451 --> 00:01:37,682
- The point is, you are not allowed to leave the house.
- For God's sakes, Stan.

29
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I just wanna
pick up a pack of smokes.

30
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[Sighs] Have you managed
to contact your home planet yet?

31
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Oh, you know, I was gonna do it yesterday,
but I got distracted.

32
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VH1 was running
this "I Love the '80s" marathon.

33
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Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf?

34
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I don't know. Somehow it's hard
to take him as seriously.

35
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Oh, hey, Francine, did you get
those pecan sandies I asked for?

36
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Oh, Roger, I'm sorry. I was
at the market yesterday, and I forgot.

37
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[Inhales Sharply]
Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

38
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- I'll pick some up this afternoon.
- Francine, be careful today.

39
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We're at terror alert orange,
which means something might go down...

40
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somewhere in some way
at some point in time, so look sharp!

41
00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:19,153
You know, Dad, it's great that
you and your C.I.A. buddies...

42
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have created a fun little system
to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.

43
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You like shavin' your armpits,
Hayley, huh?

44
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'Cause if the terrorists take over
this country, that's the first thing to go.

45
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[Pops]

46
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It's just toast, Dad.

47
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This time it was toast,
Hayley this time.

48
00:02:37,848 --> 00:02:39,839
It's okay.
This one'll be mine.

49
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Hey, Steve, how's it goin' with that gal
on the lacrosse team I picked out for ya?

50
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Actually, Dad,
I have decided to go for the brass ring.

51
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Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver,
head cheerleader and future Mrs. Steve Smith.

52
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Yeah. I like the sound of that:
Steve Smith.

53
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That's my boy.
You hear that, Francine?

54
00:02:58,402 --> 00:03:00,802
Hey, Francine, tell Steve how many girls
I dated in high school.

55
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- I didn't meet you till college.
- No, but I've told you.

56
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- Steve, I sure hope she says yes.
- Don't worry.

57
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She won't turn you down. You're a Smith,
and a Smith always gets his girl.

58
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- Mmm. Mmm.
- [Giggling]

59
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Resist him, Francine.
Resist him!

60
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You und I are meant to be.
[Gasps] Happy hour!

61
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[Gobbling]

62
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Steve, isn't Lisa Silver
way out of your league?

63
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Well, now, Hayley, don't bury him
before he's dead.

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I think you got a shot, Steve, as long
as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt.

65
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[Screams]

66
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Oh, don't everybody
help at once.

67
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My goodness, Roger. When
was the last time you weighed yourself?

68
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Oh, oh. Ow, ow, Francine.
You know, we can't all look...

69
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like those anorexic aliens
in the James Cameron movies.

70
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I'm sorry, Roger,
but I'm putting you on a diet.

71
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- Starting today, no more junk food.
- What? No.

72
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No. Not my Franken Berries. Oh, Francine,
please. Be reasonable. [Yelps]

73
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Oh, God.
I've got a bear claw in my ass.

74
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Okay. So that's two million halogen lamps
and 500,000 coffee tables.

75
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- Thanks a lot.
- Hey, Stan. What was that all about?

76
00:04:06,203 --> 00:04:08,865
Oh, we just signed a contract
with I KEA to furnish Iraq.

77
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Basically, the whole country's gonna
look like your first apartment.

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I like this. It fits with our hip,
twentysomething lifestyle.

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Oh, for Allah's sake,
put some clothes on!

80
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Now, how about a beer?

81
00:04:22,052 --> 00:04:24,953
Hey, Jackson. Check out
what I bought online. It's a pencil...

82
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and the eraser
is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper.

83
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Ha! Best 40 bucks I ever spent.

84
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- Wow. You're in a good mood today.
- You bet I am.

85
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- My kid's asking out a cheerleader.
- Steve?

86
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That's right. I tell you.
He's just like his old man.

87
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Hey, Marcus, check this out!
The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

88
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[Stan Laughing Heartily]

89
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He thought it was funny too.

90
00:04:49,913 --> 00:04:53,007
There she is. Gentlemen,
if you'll excuse me...

91
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I have a fully
developed woman to conquer.

92
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Lisa Silver?
Dude, you're a madman.

93
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Thank you, Snot.

94
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[Asian Language]

95
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It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi.
Thank you.

96
00:05:08,365 --> 00:05:11,926
- Steven! Steven! Steven!
- You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks.

97
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- [Loud Snap]
- Ow!

98
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Hi, Lisa.
Did that hurt so good?

99
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It's Steve, Steve Smith.
Remember me?

100
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Ah, it'll come to ya.
Hey, you wanna go out Friday night?

101
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- It's okay, baby. I can handle this.
- Yeah, baby.

102
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How could she just reject me like...
like I was a nobody?

103
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- Hey. I love your dog.
- Thanks.

104
00:05:34,057 --> 00:05:36,116
Hey, wanna come back to my apartment
and pet my schnauzer?

105
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- Okay.
- And then we can play with this dog.

106
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Wait a minute.
That's it! I just need to get a dog...

107
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and women will
be all over my jock.

108
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In other news,
the White House was stunned today...

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when President Bush
received a phone call from God himself.

110
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Uh, hey, George. It's God.

111
00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:56,704
- Well, hey. How you doin'?
- Good. Good. Doin' good.

112
00:05:56,813 --> 00:06:01,011
Hey, listen. Big favor. Is there any way
that you could kind of, uh...

113
00:06:01,118 --> 00:06:06,055
from now on just sort of downplay
our relationship more in your public addresses?

114
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- What do you mean?
- Well, I mean, uh...

115
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[Stammering]
to give you an example...

116
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All right. When you make comments like,
"God wanted me to be president."

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You know, that would be an example of maybe
something to just kind of keep to yourself.

118
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Just to kind of, like,
distance yourself from me a bit more.

119
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- Well, uh, sure. I mean, if you want.
- Great. Great. Thanks.

120
00:06:25,742 --> 00:06:29,838
- [Phone Beeps]
- Ooh. That's Cheney. I gotta take it. Yes, sir?

121
00:06:29,946 --> 00:06:33,347
- And on Wall Street today,
the Dow was down again.
- [Alarm Blaring]

122
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Ow! Dad, get off me!
I have to study for my term paper!

123
00:06:37,988 --> 00:06:40,923
- You know the procedure, Hayley.
- How come you never search Steve?

124
00:06:41,024 --> 00:06:43,822
Now, honey, I love you both,
but Steve is not a left-wing liberal...

125
00:06:43,927 --> 00:06:45,827
who I tried to raise properly
but somehow...

126
00:06:45,929 --> 00:06:48,397
- What's this?
- It's a pack of gum.

127
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All right. It's gum.

128
00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:55,662
Hey, champ.
When's your big date?

129
00:06:55,772 --> 00:06:59,264
- Um, she was out sick today.
- Well, that's all right. You'll get her tomorrow.

130
00:06:59,376 --> 00:07:02,368
Hey, listen.
Mom, Dad, can I have a dog?

131
00:07:02,479 --> 00:07:04,777
Absolutely not.
It's enough that we've got an alien...

132
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and a goldfish
with the brain of a German guy.

133
00:07:07,083 --> 00:07:11,019
Oh, Francine,
I can see your Schmutzklitzen.

134
00:07:11,121 --> 00:07:13,419
- [Sighs]
- Sorry, Steve. No dog.

135
00:07:13,523 --> 00:07:16,151
- I'm more than happy to get you an Etch A Sketch.
- Mom.

136
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You know, Stan,
a dog's not such an awful idea.

137
00:07:19,029 --> 00:07:21,497
It might teach Steve
the responsibility he'll need...

138
00:07:21,598 --> 00:07:23,964
for when he, one day,
joins the army.

139
00:07:24,067 --> 00:07:26,900
- Are you seriously
contemplating a military career?
- Thinking about it.

140
00:07:28,038 --> 00:07:31,235
Hey, did somebody
order a brand-new dog?

141
00:07:31,341 --> 00:07:34,674
Oh, sweet, Dad! You're the best!
What the hell is that?

142
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- It's a dog.
- [Metal Rattling]

143
00:07:38,582 --> 00:07:41,483
- Oh, my God.
- He can barely stand up.

144
00:07:41,585 --> 00:07:46,522
- Well, of course. He's 19.
- Stan, honey, didn't the pound
have any younger dogs?

145
00:07:46,623 --> 00:07:50,650
Francine, this dog has character.
He was around for the Reagan administration.

146
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:53,160
- He knows how things are supposed to be.
- Eh.

147
00:07:53,263 --> 00:07:55,424
Oh, damn it.
He's gonna pee! No, no, no, no!

148
00:07:55,532 --> 00:07:57,523
- [Squeak]
- Nope. Just dust.

149
00:07:57,634 --> 00:08:00,330
Hey, dumb-ass!
Your dog's half dead!

150
00:08:00,437 --> 00:08:04,703
You hear that, boy? That girl talked to me,
and I didn't even have to talk to her first.

151
00:08:04,808 --> 00:08:07,709
Come on, Thor.
Let's go cruise the mall.

152
00:08:11,548 --> 00:08:14,108
Francine,
you are one lucky lady.

153
00:08:14,217 --> 00:08:16,777
You can do anything you want
to this body because you married it.

154
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:19,856
- Mm-hmm.
- I hope you're not taking all this for granted.

155
00:08:19,956 --> 00:08:21,947
No potato chips.
No cupcakes.

156
00:08:22,058 --> 00:08:25,619
Damn it, Francine, I'm gonna
hawk a loogie in your Oil of Olay!

157
00:08:27,631 --> 00:08:30,225
- Where's your machete?
- Honey, take it easy.

158
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:33,097
If I die, you must protect the clan!

159
00:08:39,409 --> 00:08:42,401
- Osama, is that you?
- [Clanking]

160
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,480
Gee, Stan. What gives?

161
00:08:46,583 --> 00:08:50,212
Holy Toledo.
You killed your son's dog.

162
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,016
And don't ask me to bring him back
with that E.T. finger thing...

163
00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:55,091
because that's
a giant load of crap.

164
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God, please watch over the soul
of this dead dog...

165
00:09:00,163 --> 00:09:03,792
and carry him up to heaven,
because he sure as hell can't walk.

166
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:07,233
- He's dead. Amen.
- That was beautiful, honey.

167
00:09:07,337 --> 00:09:11,034
I used to have a dog
and legs and arms.

168
00:09:11,141 --> 00:09:15,737
I was an Olympic skier before the C.I.A.
switched mein brain with ein goldfish.

169
00:09:15,845 --> 00:09:19,906
What were we supposed to do?
Just let East Germany win that
gold medal? Not on my watch.

170
00:09:20,016 --> 00:09:22,109
[Lips Popping]

171
00:09:22,218 --> 00:09:25,278
- [Popping Continues]
- [Spectators] Ohh.

172
00:09:29,025 --> 00:09:34,156
Steve's dog would still be alive if you
right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control.

173
00:09:34,264 --> 00:09:37,290
You know what I have
to say to that?

174
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,664
Ah. I thought
I was gonna fart.

175
00:09:39,769 --> 00:09:42,636
This sucks.
Now I'm never gonna get a girl.

176
00:09:42,739 --> 00:09:45,765
- Wait a minute. Is that why you wanted the dog?
- Yes, sir.

177
00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:48,343
Son, you don't need a dog
when your old dad...

178
00:09:48,445 --> 00:09:51,039
is the greatest ladies' man
of all time... come on!

179
00:09:53,917 --> 00:09:56,112
Now, Steve, girls love a guy
who can protect them.

180
00:09:56,219 --> 00:09:58,551
Now I'm gonna pretend I'm a thief
and snatch her purse.

181
00:09:58,655 --> 00:10:00,782
Then you'll chase me down,
tackle me and win her heart.

182
00:10:00,890 --> 00:10:03,518
- Got it?
- Got it, Dad.

183
00:10:03,627 --> 00:10:06,289
Oh, my God. My mom almost caught me
throwing up last night...

184
00:10:06,396 --> 00:10:08,990
- Hey! My purse!
- Don't worry, young lady!

185
00:10:09,099 --> 00:10:11,533
Hey, you!
Come back here!

186
00:10:11,635 --> 00:10:14,331
[Bystanders Grunting]

187
00:10:14,437 --> 00:10:18,897
- [Man Moaning]
- [People Grunting, Yelping]

188
00:10:21,678 --> 00:10:24,078
- [Man] Hey!
- [Man #2] Oh, no!

189
00:10:25,482 --> 00:10:28,246
[Panting]

190
00:10:28,351 --> 00:10:31,218
[Women Screaming]

191
00:10:31,321 --> 00:10:33,653
[Car Alarm Blaring]

192
00:10:39,262 --> 00:10:41,526
Okay. I got a little carried away
back there.

193
00:10:49,539 --> 00:10:52,064
- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, babe. Some guy at the restaurant...

194
00:10:52,175 --> 00:10:56,509
sent his meat loaf back because there was
a hair in it, but it's cool, because it was mine!

195
00:10:56,613 --> 00:10:59,377
- Picnic in the park?
- I can't. I have this paper due.

196
00:10:59,482 --> 00:11:01,609
Bummer. Well, you know
what Shakespeare said.

197
00:11:01,718 --> 00:11:04,346
I mean, I don't,
but I'm sure you do. See ya!

198
00:11:05,455 --> 00:11:07,753
Chillin' with Jeff.
Sounds like fun.

199
00:11:07,857 --> 00:11:10,849
- Yeah, but this is due tomorrow.
- Listen, Hayleykins.

200
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,157
Obviously I can't leave the house,
but if you supply me with Twinkies...

201
00:11:14,264 --> 00:11:17,290
Ho Hos, you know,
any of your basic white trash foodstuffs...

202
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,801
that your freakin' mother won't let me have,
I'll write your paper for you.

203
00:11:20,904 --> 00:11:24,203
- What do you know about Crime and Punishment?
- You mean, besides the fact...

204
00:11:24,307 --> 00:11:26,707
that the suffering of man
is both necessary and useful...

205
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:29,870
which is revealed to us
during Raskolnikov's redemption?

206
00:11:29,979 --> 00:11:31,947
- Nothing.
- You got a deal.

207
00:11:32,048 --> 00:11:36,542
Sorry about that.
Once every seven hours, like clockwork.

208
00:11:38,221 --> 00:11:42,055
Oh, my God.
Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?

209
00:11:42,158 --> 00:11:45,719
Hilary is here of her own free will
because she wants to have dinner with Steve.

210
00:11:45,829 --> 00:11:49,128
- Hilary, could you pass the salt?
- Pass him the salt.

211
00:11:49,232 --> 00:11:52,099
So, as I was saying,
student body elections are next week...

212
00:11:52,202 --> 00:11:55,171
and I have personally
been wedgied by both candidates.

213
00:11:55,271 --> 00:11:58,399
Whoa. You hear that, Hilary?
Looks like you're a winner with Steve.

214
00:11:58,508 --> 00:12:00,601
Help me!

215
00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:04,077
Dad, you can't go around abducting people
just because you're C.I.A.

216
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:06,080
- Hilary, look out for the mines!
- [Explosion]

217
00:12:06,182 --> 00:12:08,116
- [Scream]
- What did I just say? You heard me.
What did I just say?

218
00:12:08,218 --> 00:12:10,652
- You said, "Look out for the mines."
- I said "Look out for the mines."

219
00:12:12,055 --> 00:12:15,456
I didn't have
this problem getting girls.

220
00:12:15,558 --> 00:12:18,493
A little observation, Stan.
Steve isn't like you.

221
00:12:18,595 --> 00:12:23,191
You're a big, powerful guy. Women are attracted
to power, and Steve just doesn't have any.

222
00:12:23,299 --> 00:12:25,859
That's it.
If Steve needs power...

223
00:12:25,969 --> 00:12:28,529
I'll rig the school election
and make him student body president.

224
00:12:28,638 --> 00:12:32,369
- Wow. Can you do that?
- Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger.

225
00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:35,273
You know how many votes George Bush
actually got in the first election?

226
00:12:35,378 --> 00:12:36,936
Seven.

227
00:12:38,448 --> 00:12:40,575
All right, Steve.
Now the key to fixing any election...

228
00:12:40,683 --> 00:12:42,651
is to cast doubt
on your opponent.

229
00:12:42,752 --> 00:12:46,586
Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president.
Shelly for president.

230
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:50,284
Sure, you can vote for Shelly Maxwell,
if you don't mind voting for a prostitute!

231
00:12:50,393 --> 00:12:53,453
- What?
- Don't play coy, you cardigan Jezebel!

232
00:12:53,563 --> 00:12:57,397
I have photographic evidence of you having
sexual relations with the Jack in the Box man.

233
00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:59,832
- [Gasping]
- Ew!

234
00:12:59,936 --> 00:13:02,131
- The Jack in the Box man? He's not even human!
- That's sick!

235
00:13:02,238 --> 00:13:06,004
- Dad, is that really the Jack in the Box man?
- Yeah. He's in our basement.

236
00:13:07,443 --> 00:13:09,274
- [Screaming]
- [Screaming]

237
00:13:12,916 --> 00:13:15,350
- You know, I got an "A" on that paper.
- My pleasure.

238
00:13:15,451 --> 00:13:18,511
- Got anything else in the pipeline?
- I've got a poli-sci paper.

239
00:13:18,621 --> 00:13:21,522
- You know anything about Henry Kissinger?
- All I know is he's Jewish...

240
00:13:21,624 --> 00:13:25,720
but if you get me some churros, I can
probably stretch that into about 12 pages.

241
00:13:31,901 --> 00:13:34,369
Hey, Steve. Congratulations.

242
00:13:34,470 --> 00:13:39,498
Why, thank you, Lisa. Say,
I was thinking, maybe you and I could...

243
00:13:39,609 --> 00:13:42,407
- Go out? I'd love to.
- Yes!

244
00:13:42,512 --> 00:13:46,312
Oh, my God!
Score, score, score, score, score!

245
00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:49,749
- Women love a man with power.
- You were right, Dad.

246
00:13:49,853 --> 00:13:51,912
Hey. Sorry to interrupt, Stan.

247
00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:56,117
- I was gonna take a shower, but we're
all out of Prell. You mind pickin' some up?
- Yeah, yeah.

248
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:59,923
Thanks.
Oh, hey, Steve, kudos on the beeyatch.

249
00:14:00,029 --> 00:14:03,294
- Man, your stream is so powerful.
- Thanks.

250
00:14:03,399 --> 00:14:05,458
I wish your locker wasn't
right next to the boys' room.

251
00:14:05,568 --> 00:14:09,868
Yeah, me too.
Then again, I am student body president.

252
00:14:09,973 --> 00:14:12,771
Smith, what's the meaning of this?

253
00:14:12,876 --> 00:14:15,242
Principal Lewis,
I'm taking your office.

254
00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:19,475
Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statute 39-F,
quote, "The student body president...

255
00:14:19,582 --> 00:14:23,780
may acquisition any room on school premises
for the purpose of conducting school business."

256
00:14:23,887 --> 00:14:29,291
You can read! The system works!
I'll be back for my stuff.

257
00:14:29,392 --> 00:14:34,955
You're amazing, Steve. I'm gonna
go tell everyone we're going out.

258
00:14:36,332 --> 00:14:39,460
This is it.
I have absolute power.

259
00:14:39,569 --> 00:14:42,003
Doris, could you please
send in our high school mascot?

260
00:14:43,539 --> 00:14:46,235
Welcome, buffalo.
As you must have heard...

261
00:14:46,342 --> 00:14:48,242
I've been elected
student body president.

262
00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:50,539
As such,
I can do anything I want...

263
00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:53,445
- and I want... to ride the buffalo!
- [Braying]

264
00:14:53,549 --> 00:14:56,040
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Yes! Yes!

265
00:14:56,152 --> 00:14:59,451
- I'm riding the buffalo!
- [Continues Braying]

266
00:15:01,124 --> 00:15:03,490
- [Buffalo Snorts]
- Now send in the lunch lady.

267
00:15:06,729 --> 00:15:10,597
The lady's steak is not nearly
Salisbury enough. Take it back.

268
00:15:10,700 --> 00:15:13,225
Steve, you're the greatest boyfriend
I've ever had.

269
00:15:13,336 --> 00:15:15,930
My dear, I'm just getting started.
Bobby, get over here.

270
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:19,065
I want my Shazam! shirt dry-cleaned
and pressed by third period.

271
00:15:19,175 --> 00:15:22,838
Oh, and another thing.
All periods will now be called "Steves."

272
00:15:22,946 --> 00:15:25,278
Hey, I'm thinkin' of
cuttin' third Steve. You in?

273
00:15:25,381 --> 00:15:28,179
- Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve.
- So if it's a statement...

274
00:15:28,284 --> 00:15:30,343
it should always
be followed by a Steve.

275
00:15:30,453 --> 00:15:33,388
Mr. Philips, may I be excused?
I'm having my Steve.

276
00:15:35,892 --> 00:15:38,452
Mmm.
Oh, Hayley, you are the best.

277
00:15:38,561 --> 00:15:43,055
Mmm. Now what else we got here?
Chocodiles. Haven't tried those.

278
00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:45,657
Oh. Oh-ho-ho.

279
00:15:45,768 --> 00:15:49,226
Oh, my God!
How good are these!

280
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:53,366
Oh. Mmm-mmm. Dangerous.
Mmm.

281
00:15:53,476 --> 00:15:56,206
How's my paper comin', Roger?
You know, it's due tomorrow morning.

282
00:15:56,312 --> 00:15:59,509
- I got it under control, Hayley. Do not worry.
- Okay.

283
00:15:59,615 --> 00:16:03,244
By the way, Hayley...
Oh, my God. These Chocodiles...

284
00:16:03,353 --> 00:16:05,685
These Chocodiles, Hayley...
Oh, my God.

285
00:16:05,788 --> 00:16:07,688
These Chocodiles...
Oh, my God.

286
00:16:07,790 --> 00:16:12,693
- Um, yeah. They're good. Back to work.
- I'm on it.

287
00:16:16,699 --> 00:16:19,293
[Birds Chirping]

288
00:16:20,703 --> 00:16:23,604
[Gasps]
Oh, no. Hayley!

289
00:16:23,706 --> 00:16:27,142
Hayley! Hayley, wake up. I fell asleep.
I had a sugar crash and I fell asleep.

290
00:16:27,243 --> 00:16:30,440
- I didn't do the paper.
- What? It's due in two hours!

291
00:16:30,546 --> 00:16:34,949
I know. I'm a douche bag, but the important thing
now is to find a way to buy more time...

292
00:16:35,051 --> 00:16:38,282
Holy frijole. I got an idea.

293
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:42,722
Well, under the circumstances, I think
we can give you another few days for your paper.

294
00:16:42,825 --> 00:16:44,793
Thank you, Mr. Goodwin.

295
00:16:48,197 --> 00:16:50,290
Hey, these chocolate lockers
were a great idea!

296
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,801
- Mine has nut clusters. Thanks, Steve.
- No problem.

297
00:16:53,903 --> 00:16:57,134
I am a river to my people, and I hope
you're all enjoying the computer lab...

298
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,174
now that I've
disabled the porn blocker.

299
00:16:59,275 --> 00:17:01,641
Yeah. I never knew
Todd's mom had a Web site.

300
00:17:01,744 --> 00:17:04,736
- Pretty sexy, huh, guys?
- Sure is, Todd.

301
00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:07,247
Oh, hello, gorgeous.

302
00:17:07,350 --> 00:17:10,945
- Ew. What are you doing?
- What? I'm kissing my woman.

303
00:17:11,054 --> 00:17:15,548
Steve, I like the perks of dating
the school president, but I'm not gonna kiss you.

304
00:17:15,658 --> 00:17:19,150
I mean, I'm beautiful,
and you're repulsive.

305
00:17:19,262 --> 00:17:23,426
- But... But I thought you liked me.
- Yeah. You were supposed to.

306
00:17:26,402 --> 00:17:28,097
[Moaning]

307
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,909
Attention:
There is a new school policy.

308
00:17:34,010 --> 00:17:37,241
[On P.A.] Anyone caught holding hands,
hugging or swapping saliva...

309
00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:40,144
will be expelled from school
permanently.

310
00:17:41,551 --> 00:17:44,452
It's too risky right now.
I'll come back tonight.

311
00:17:44,554 --> 00:17:47,523
- [Phone Ringing]
- This is Stan Smith.

312
00:17:47,623 --> 00:17:50,183
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid
there's a problem with your son.

313
00:17:50,293 --> 00:17:52,420
Oh, God. He's gay.
This is it. This is the gay call.

314
00:17:52,528 --> 00:17:55,053
- I've been ready for this for years.
- Uh, no.

315
00:17:55,164 --> 00:17:57,359
It's just that
he's gone mad with power.

316
00:17:57,467 --> 00:18:01,096
He evacuated the entire school
and barricaded himself in my office.

317
00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:03,468
I see. Henry, antidote!

318
00:18:03,573 --> 00:18:07,634
Hey, how'd the dead dog work out?
Did it buy us some time?

319
00:18:07,743 --> 00:18:10,507
- Yeah. He gave me till Monday.
- Oh, great. Here's my list.

320
00:18:10,613 --> 00:18:14,174
Sorry, Roger. That was too close a call.
I'm gonna do my own work.

321
00:18:14,283 --> 00:18:17,275
Wha... But l...
Wh... Where am I gonna get my fix?

322
00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,786
- Not my problem.
- You can't do it alone, Hayley.

323
00:18:19,889 --> 00:18:22,915
You don't have the skills.
You're not smart enough.

324
00:18:23,025 --> 00:18:25,016
Somebody'll clean that up.

325
00:18:28,131 --> 00:18:32,329
- Steve, this is your father.
- Get out of here, Dad. I'm not comin' out.

326
00:18:32,435 --> 00:18:34,801
All right. I'm going in.
Francine, keep talking to him.

327
00:18:34,904 --> 00:18:38,305
- Be careful, honey.
- Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo.

328
00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:41,103
- Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Are you all right?
- I'm fine, honey. It's okay.

329
00:18:41,210 --> 00:18:43,872
- Oh, God. I just meant to brush you lightly.
- I know, sweetie. It's all right.

330
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:46,540
- I guess I don't know my own strength.
- Go get Steve, honey.

331
00:18:46,649 --> 00:18:49,174
- Right.
- Steve, it's Mommy.

332
00:18:49,285 --> 00:18:51,685
Listen, honey.
You're not alone.

333
00:18:51,787 --> 00:18:55,689
When I was your age,
I had a huge crush on someone too...

334
00:18:55,791 --> 00:18:58,487
Mr. Feeny, my algebra teacher.

335
00:18:58,594 --> 00:19:02,052
Such a cute man with a neat little beard.
[Chuckles]

336
00:19:02,165 --> 00:19:05,157
Of course, he didn't take me seriously,
but that all changed...

337
00:19:05,268 --> 00:19:07,759
when his wife found me
in their closet...

338
00:19:07,870 --> 00:19:11,533
- cutting myself and sniffing his T-shirts.
- [Yelps]

339
00:19:11,641 --> 00:19:15,168
- Dad, what are you doing?
- Stopping you from making a huge mistake.

340
00:19:15,278 --> 00:19:17,906
[Francine On Bullhorn] I lied
and told the police we were lovers.

341
00:19:18,014 --> 00:19:21,745
- He either killed himself, or he's in jail...
- Francine, for God's sake!

342
00:19:21,851 --> 00:19:24,217
I got him!
Wanna talk about it, champ?

343
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,847
Dad, Lisa only liked me
because I was school president.

344
00:19:27,957 --> 00:19:31,518
She thinks I'm repulsive,
and the worst part of it is, she's right.

345
00:19:31,627 --> 00:19:36,360
Steve, I promise you, and this comes from
years of experience: Women are never right.

346
00:19:36,465 --> 00:19:39,559
I was crazy to think
any girl could ever like me.

347
00:19:39,669 --> 00:19:42,001
Look at me. I am repulsive.

348
00:19:42,104 --> 00:19:45,596
No, you're not. Look, Son. Roger was right.
You're not like me.

349
00:19:45,708 --> 00:19:49,735
You're not as good looking or as strong
or as smart or as good sexually.

350
00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:52,279
[Francine On Bullhorn]
Oh, wait. He killed himself in jail.

351
00:19:52,381 --> 00:19:54,611
Damn it, Francine!
We're having a moment here!

352
00:19:54,717 --> 00:19:58,346
Listen, Son. I'm gonna show you something
I've never shown anyone before.

353
00:19:58,454 --> 00:20:01,548
- That's me when I was your age.
- Oh, my God! You were hideous!

354
00:20:01,657 --> 00:20:03,955
Well, I certainly wasn't the stallion
I am today.

355
00:20:04,060 --> 00:20:07,723
The point is, Steve, you'll be just fine,
because you're chock-full of potential.

356
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:12,130
Wow. Thanks, Dad.
Aw, but I don't wanna face Lisa Silver.

357
00:20:12,235 --> 00:20:14,760
I got you covered.
Hello? I.N. S?

358
00:20:14,870 --> 00:20:18,601
Is this Nick? Hey, Nick.
It's Stan. Hey, what's goin' on?

359
00:20:18,708 --> 00:20:21,677
Hey, how'd that wiretap
on your wife work out?

360
00:20:21,777 --> 00:20:24,575
Oh. Oh. Sorry about that.

361
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,114
But, hey, better with your brother
than some stranger, right?

362
00:20:27,216 --> 00:20:30,083
Yeah. Movin' on.
Movin' on. Right. Right.

363
00:20:30,186 --> 00:20:32,279
Say, listen,
could you do me a huge favor?

364
00:20:32,388 --> 00:20:36,484
You know the Silver family at 419 Elm?
Yeah. Let's deport them.

365
00:20:36,592 --> 00:20:38,617
You're the best, Dad.

366
00:20:40,830 --> 00:20:43,025
Mmm. Great stew, Francine.

367
00:20:43,132 --> 00:20:46,363
The peas are like floating survivors
from a sunken beef ship.

368
00:20:46,469 --> 00:20:50,872
Steve, you're awfully quiet. Are you
still upset about what happened at school?

369
00:20:50,973 --> 00:20:54,636
I'm fine with that. I just wish
I was smoother with the ladies.

370
00:20:56,412 --> 00:21:00,348
Oh, okay, Melissa. So I'll meet you
at the arcade tomorrow after school.

371
00:21:00,449 --> 00:21:02,610
Bye. Thanks for the help, coach.

372
00:21:02,718 --> 00:21:05,278
My pleasure.
But if you expect to get any boob...

373
00:21:05,388 --> 00:21:08,357
I'm gonna need
a butt-load of Twinkies.

374
00:21:09,425 --> 00:21:12,087
Uh, "Gesundheit"?

375
00:21:44,226 --> 00:21:45,949
Have a great night.

376
00:21:45,950 --> 00:21:47,950
<i>Corrected by <font color="#00FF00">Aiser</font></i>