1 00:00:00,252 --> 00:00:02,678 _ 2 00:00:02,679 --> 00:00:04,345 Can you believe Dad makes us listen 3 00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:06,714 to his physical results every year? 4 00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:09,150 Can you believe I've never had a physical? 5 00:00:09,186 --> 00:00:11,152 Okay, I have a critically ill child to check on, 6 00:00:11,188 --> 00:00:13,021 so, Mr. Smith, let's get this over with... 7 00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:15,523 - Play the intro music! - I don't think that's necessary. 8 00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:16,962 Play the music, nerd! 9 00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:22,997 Before we hear what amazing shape I'm in, 10 00:00:23,033 --> 00:00:24,999 I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs 11 00:00:25,035 --> 00:00:26,768 for coming out in full force. 12 00:00:26,803 --> 00:00:28,703 Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'. 13 00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:31,105 Well, you've put on 5 pounds since last year. 14 00:00:31,141 --> 00:00:32,373 Bigger... 15 00:00:32,409 --> 00:00:33,575 is... 16 00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:34,776 better! 17 00:00:34,811 --> 00:00:36,077 You shrunk a quarter of an inch. 18 00:00:36,112 --> 00:00:38,580 So much man in such a tiny package! 19 00:00:38,615 --> 00:00:40,048 And your cholesterol is high. 20 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:42,584 Are there no heights I can't reach?! 21 00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:44,519 Cholesterol is a serious issue. 22 00:00:44,554 --> 00:00:46,588 Forget cholesterol. We're losing them. 23 00:00:46,623 --> 00:00:47,989 Bring out the big guns. 24 00:00:48,024 --> 00:00:49,858 Um, it's looking like, down the line, 25 00:00:49,893 --> 00:00:51,993 your left knee is gonna need to be replaced. 26 00:00:52,028 --> 00:00:55,096 Right knee carrying the team to the finish line! 27 00:00:57,901 --> 00:01:00,468 Oh, I know. Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not. 28 00:01:00,504 --> 00:01:03,204 You, uh, still don't have AIDS. 29 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,472 Hear that, Francine? 30 00:01:04,508 --> 00:01:07,275 Doc's giving me a prescription for raw doggin'! 31 00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:09,611 Yeah! 32 00:01:12,317 --> 00:01:14,582 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 33 00:01:14,618 --> 00:01:18,353 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 34 00:01:18,388 --> 00:01:21,523 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 35 00:01:21,558 --> 00:01:25,793 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 36 00:01:27,964 --> 00:01:31,165 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 37 00:01:31,201 --> 00:01:33,835 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 38 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:35,103 Aah! 39 00:01:36,506 --> 00:01:39,841 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 40 00:01:42,739 --> 00:01:43,678 I don't think this is 41 00:01:43,713 --> 00:01:47,348 the best place to eat for someone with your cholesterol. 42 00:01:47,384 --> 00:01:48,583 Mmm. 43 00:01:48,618 --> 00:01:50,585 Dad, milk? Isn't that... 44 00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:51,886 Way ahead of you, Hayley. 45 00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:54,489 It's not milk. It's ranch dressing... 46 00:01:54,524 --> 00:01:56,291 from the Lazy Ranch River! 47 00:01:56,326 --> 00:01:58,426 Stan, the doctor gave you this health journal 48 00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,828 to monitor your fitness and eating habits. 49 00:02:00,864 --> 00:02:02,664 Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 50 00:02:02,699 --> 00:02:04,732 And you heard my stool sample results... 51 00:02:04,768 --> 00:02:07,936 Too hard to test. 52 00:02:07,971 --> 00:02:09,637 But you're getting older. 53 00:02:09,673 --> 00:02:11,739 You need to take care of yourself. 54 00:02:11,775 --> 00:02:13,775 We still have a lot of memories to make. 55 00:02:13,810 --> 00:02:15,410 Of course we do, honey. 56 00:02:15,445 --> 00:02:17,745 Now I'm gonna see how close the ranch river gets me 57 00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:19,414 to the cheese cauldron. 58 00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:22,550 Sir, you need to wear goggles! 59 00:02:22,586 --> 00:02:24,552 That ranch is highly chlorinated! 60 00:02:24,588 --> 00:02:26,254 If he doesn't change his lifestyle, 61 00:02:26,289 --> 00:02:27,922 something terrible could happen. 62 00:02:27,958 --> 00:02:29,958 Sadly, people are often set in their ways 63 00:02:29,993 --> 00:02:32,026 until something really rattles them, 64 00:02:32,062 --> 00:02:34,262 like a... like a near-death experience. 65 00:02:34,297 --> 00:02:37,231 So we just hope he has a near-death experience? 66 00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:40,868 Hope? A near-death experience is something I can guarantee. 67 00:02:40,904 --> 00:02:42,337 You know how E.T. could 68 00:02:42,372 --> 00:02:44,539 make a cute little nightlight with his finger? 69 00:02:44,574 --> 00:02:46,140 Well, I slept with his puppeteer. 70 00:02:46,176 --> 00:02:47,675 However, that's unrelated to the fact 71 00:02:47,711 --> 00:02:50,378 that my species is 60% electricity. 72 00:02:50,413 --> 00:02:52,680 Why do you think my Umbros are always so static-y? 73 00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:54,682 Anyway, I can use this... 74 00:02:54,718 --> 00:02:57,285 ...to stop and restart Stan's heart. 75 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,153 He'll think he had a heart attack. 76 00:02:59,189 --> 00:03:02,824 Just give him the little scare he needs. Watch. 77 00:03:03,906 --> 00:03:04,659 Dead. 78 00:03:05,215 --> 00:03:06,160 Alive. 79 00:03:06,196 --> 00:03:09,197 Now go get me the recipe for this tangy Thai sauce. 80 00:03:12,402 --> 00:03:14,969 I can't believe I missed the college fair at school today. 81 00:03:15,005 --> 00:03:16,404 Isn't it a little early 82 00:03:16,439 --> 00:03:18,573 for you guys to be worrying about all that? 83 00:03:18,608 --> 00:03:20,308 No way! I'm already behind! 84 00:03:20,343 --> 00:03:23,711 Look, Barry already signed his letter of intent to Gonzaga. 85 00:03:23,747 --> 00:03:27,248 You know Coach Few's gonna get the most out of him. 86 00:03:28,194 --> 00:03:30,518 Oh, man, if you knew what I have in store for you, 87 00:03:30,553 --> 00:03:33,755 all your worries would melt away. 88 00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:35,456 You'd be swaddled tight, 89 00:03:35,492 --> 00:03:38,960 wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans... 90 00:03:38,995 --> 00:03:41,329 Klaus, what the [bleep] are you talking about? 91 00:03:41,364 --> 00:03:42,964 During my college years in Germany, 92 00:03:42,999 --> 00:03:45,333 I did a semester abroad at Arizona State. 93 00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:47,101 I'll take you to see the campus, 94 00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:49,437 introduce you to some choice people. 95 00:03:49,472 --> 00:03:51,472 You'll be golden! 96 00:03:51,508 --> 00:03:52,807 I don't know. 97 00:03:52,842 --> 00:03:54,409 Isn't Arizona State a party school? 98 00:03:54,444 --> 00:03:57,945 How dare you?! ASU's got everything! 99 00:03:57,981 --> 00:04:00,782 It was ranked number one in "Innovation." 100 00:04:00,817 --> 00:04:02,850 - By who? - By the rankers! 101 00:04:02,886 --> 00:04:05,253 It's also got a sick baseball team 102 00:04:05,288 --> 00:04:09,524 and the only Chili's Too that's not in an airport. 103 00:04:11,628 --> 00:04:15,897 Great. Now go get me the recipe for the zesty ranch. 104 00:04:15,932 --> 00:04:17,801 I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch 105 00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,600 when I sent you for the tangy Thai. 106 00:04:19,636 --> 00:04:21,235 I tried to text you. 107 00:04:25,668 --> 00:04:26,875 What's with all the coffee? 108 00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:29,711 After the amount of cheese I consumed at Fuddruckers, 109 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:30,846 it takes three pots' worth 110 00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:33,682 - just to get my system running again. - Wow. 111 00:04:33,717 --> 00:04:37,152 Roger, this finger zapping thing isn't gonna hurt, right? 112 00:04:37,188 --> 00:04:38,062 Not a bit. 113 00:04:41,325 --> 00:04:43,525 You said it wasn't gonna hurt! 114 00:04:43,561 --> 00:04:45,894 No, I said it wouldn't hurt me. 115 00:04:45,930 --> 00:04:49,131 You! Need! To listen! Girl! 116 00:04:51,099 --> 00:04:53,035 Well, you are a lucky man. 117 00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:55,838 You had a heart attack, but you made a full recovery. 118 00:04:55,873 --> 00:04:58,440 Turn the music on for me. 119 00:04:58,475 --> 00:05:00,609 You are capable of turning on a boombox 120 00:05:00,644 --> 00:05:03,846 one foot away all by yourself. 121 00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:06,114 Do it... nerd. 122 00:05:09,019 --> 00:05:10,219 I owe you all an apology. 123 00:05:10,254 --> 00:05:11,653 Except you, nerd, 124 00:05:11,689 --> 00:05:13,522 But I should've listened to you guys. 125 00:05:15,192 --> 00:05:17,292 From here on out, it's more exercise, 126 00:05:17,328 --> 00:05:19,494 healthier eating, and better choices. 127 00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:21,463 And I choose... Doc, next track. 128 00:05:21,784 --> 00:05:23,498 ...to be a lean, mean, 129 00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:25,167 muscle flexin' machine. 130 00:05:25,202 --> 00:05:26,935 Like a phoenix, I shall rise! 131 00:05:26,971 --> 00:05:31,139 Because to be the man, you have to beat the man! 132 00:05:31,175 --> 00:05:33,709 Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan! 133 00:05:35,079 --> 00:05:36,645 Yeah! You did it! 134 00:05:38,349 --> 00:05:42,017 That chemistry lab was tight, huh? 135 00:05:42,052 --> 00:05:44,453 So much innovating going on there. 136 00:05:44,488 --> 00:05:46,355 Yeah, maybe. It was just kinda weird 137 00:05:46,390 --> 00:05:48,223 that no one knew how to work any of the stuff. 138 00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:50,359 That's 'cause it's the latest stuff! 139 00:05:50,394 --> 00:05:52,327 I don't know about this place, Klaus. 140 00:05:52,363 --> 00:05:55,264 It says the library opens "when Todd wakes up." 141 00:05:59,536 --> 00:06:02,704 Hey, I think that's, like, a frat or something. 142 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:06,108 Should we go... I don't know, check it out? 143 00:06:06,143 --> 00:06:07,542 Klaus! 144 00:06:07,578 --> 00:06:10,345 - You know these guys? - Everyone knows Klaus! 145 00:06:10,381 --> 00:06:13,115 One time, we didn't have a band for Spring Fling, 146 00:06:13,150 --> 00:06:14,650 and at the total last second, 147 00:06:14,685 --> 00:06:16,885 Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play! 148 00:06:16,921 --> 00:06:19,421 And one time, we were stuck in a Mexican prison, 149 00:06:19,456 --> 00:06:21,790 and Klaus got the Foo Fighters to break us out! 150 00:06:21,825 --> 00:06:25,360 And one time, my parents died in a tragic car accident, 151 00:06:25,396 --> 00:06:26,662 and Klaus missed the funeral 152 00:06:26,697 --> 00:06:29,197 because he was at a Foo Fighters concert! 153 00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:33,468 Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ, 154 00:06:33,504 --> 00:06:35,737 or as we're known around campus, 155 00:06:35,773 --> 00:06:36,972 Beta Gizz! 156 00:06:37,107 --> 00:06:38,507 Beta Gizz! 157 00:06:38,542 --> 00:06:41,443 Steve, this is Nutbutter, Nic, and Pube Face. 158 00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:43,745 All solid, solid bros. 159 00:06:43,781 --> 00:06:46,648 Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around. 160 00:06:51,388 --> 00:06:52,854 Sit on the ground, Steve. 161 00:06:52,890 --> 00:06:54,122 W-what? 162 00:06:54,158 --> 00:06:56,992 Sit your ass on the ground! 163 00:06:57,027 --> 00:07:01,430 This little bitch doesn't think ASU's good enough for him. 164 00:07:01,465 --> 00:07:03,899 I-I'm sorry. I don't even go to school here... 165 00:07:03,934 --> 00:07:05,334 Shut up, pledge! 166 00:07:05,369 --> 00:07:09,438 Now what game do you turds want to play first? 167 00:07:09,473 --> 00:07:12,207 Milk Gallon Chug... 168 00:07:12,242 --> 00:07:14,576 or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole? 169 00:07:14,611 --> 00:07:17,512 - Milk Gal... - Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is! 170 00:07:20,718 --> 00:07:23,418 Wow, look at you, ready for a run. 171 00:07:23,454 --> 00:07:27,222 A regular, um, black guy from Kenya. 172 00:07:27,257 --> 00:07:29,558 Yep, and I can't wait to write all about it 173 00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:31,827 - in my health journal. - Hey, I could join you. 174 00:07:31,862 --> 00:07:34,262 There's actually nothing in this bowl. 175 00:07:34,298 --> 00:07:35,931 You know what? That... 176 00:07:35,966 --> 00:07:37,165 That looks important. 177 00:07:37,201 --> 00:07:39,267 Okay. Can you hit the lights? 178 00:07:40,671 --> 00:07:45,741 ♪ La-la, la-la, la, la ♪ 179 00:07:51,582 --> 00:07:53,882 Roger, I know you gave me that heart attack. 180 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:56,651 It wasn't my fault! Francine made me... 181 00:07:56,687 --> 00:07:58,854 Roger, you almost killed me... 182 00:07:58,889 --> 00:07:59,921 I know, but... 183 00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,790 And I loved it! I wanna do it again! 184 00:08:01,825 --> 00:08:03,892 Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you. 185 00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:05,527 You always surprise me. 186 00:08:05,562 --> 00:08:08,382 Whenever I think you're gonna zig, you do a reverse zig. 187 00:08:08,465 --> 00:08:10,966 Now let's get you dead, baby! 188 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,635 ...and that's the reason why I want you... 189 00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:18,638 no, need you... to kill me again. 190 00:08:18,673 --> 00:08:20,573 What? Sorry, I was just thinking about 191 00:08:20,608 --> 00:08:23,042 what my top 20 "Mr. Belvedere" episodes are. 192 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:25,745 But then I realized I've never seen "Mr. Belvedere." 193 00:08:25,780 --> 00:08:27,780 Was there an episode where he gets snowed in? 194 00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:29,649 'Cause I would put that right up there. 195 00:08:29,684 --> 00:08:32,051 And if there was a serious one where he had a drug problem, 196 00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:34,587 I would consider that episode very powerful, 197 00:08:34,622 --> 00:08:37,290 - but not top 20. - Roger! 198 00:08:37,325 --> 00:08:40,993 When you stopped my heart, everything went white. 199 00:08:41,029 --> 00:08:44,063 I woke up in what looked like a Blockbuster Video. 200 00:08:44,099 --> 00:08:45,998 My first reaction was to kill myself 201 00:08:46,034 --> 00:08:47,834 because it wasn't a Hollywood Video. 202 00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:51,070 But then I realized I was already dead. 203 00:08:51,106 --> 00:08:53,806 It turns out this video store 204 00:08:53,842 --> 00:08:56,542 was my life flashing before my eyes. 205 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,611 - It was stocked with all my memories. - _ 206 00:08:58,646 --> 00:09:00,135 They had everything, 207 00:09:00,136 --> 00:09:02,200 - from my first memory of my parents - _ 208 00:09:02,383 --> 00:09:04,884 to hot new releases like you killing me. 209 00:09:07,655 --> 00:09:10,790 Suddenly, I wasn't just watching the memory... 210 00:09:10,825 --> 00:09:12,492 ...I was reliving it, 211 00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:14,594 feeling what it was like to be young again. 212 00:09:14,629 --> 00:09:16,129 My bad knee didn't hurt. 213 00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,064 Aah! 214 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,829 The extra weight I gained was gone. 215 00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,801 And though it wasn't relevant to the memory, 216 00:09:21,836 --> 00:09:24,337 I had that extra confidence that comes from knowing 217 00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,239 you can get hard all the way to the tip. 218 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,143 I could go back 219 00:09:30,144 --> 00:09:31,720 - to any of my favorite memories... - _ 220 00:09:33,348 --> 00:09:34,914 ...and eat all my favorite meals 221 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,517 without worrying about any of the consequences. 222 00:09:37,552 --> 00:09:39,919 I got to feel like the guy I used to be. 223 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:43,055 All the reminders that I'm getting old just disappeared, 224 00:09:43,091 --> 00:09:44,490 right up until you revived me. 225 00:09:44,526 --> 00:09:45,691 I have to do it again. 226 00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:47,493 Well, the first taste was free. 227 00:09:47,529 --> 00:09:49,095 Next one's gonna cost you. 228 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,663 I'll give you anything. Money... 229 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:53,366 I just want a laugh. 230 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,610 Good start. 231 00:10:07,749 --> 00:10:09,895 Aah! Stan, help me! 232 00:10:12,419 --> 00:10:13,419 _ 233 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:17,904 _ 234 00:10:20,551 --> 00:10:22,461 Order of chili fries, horsey-style. 235 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,766 Uh, I believe I ordered all the fixings. 236 00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:31,564 Come on, boy! Eat faster! Eat faster! 237 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,875 Someone order a pizza? 238 00:10:35,910 --> 00:10:39,045 I got an extra large sausage. 239 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,513 Mmm. Mmm. 240 00:10:40,548 --> 00:10:43,349 Is anyone cool with that girl Megan from Kappa? 241 00:10:43,384 --> 00:10:45,692 - I know her. - Hook it up, bro. 242 00:10:46,888 --> 00:10:50,356 Pledges completed their butt chug challenge. 243 00:10:50,391 --> 00:10:52,124 Gonna recycle the keg. 244 00:10:57,565 --> 00:11:00,066 Hey, has anyone noticed we're watching gay porn? 245 00:11:00,101 --> 00:11:02,101 Maybe it's only gay at the beginning! 246 00:11:02,136 --> 00:11:04,070 I say we keep watching! 247 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,608 This is a place of learning. 248 00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:11,580 How could every building close at "Beer thirty"?! 249 00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:12,779 _ 250 00:11:14,331 --> 00:11:16,582 Oh, thank God! You gotta help me! 251 00:11:16,618 --> 00:11:18,784 I was kidnapped and held against my will! 252 00:11:18,820 --> 00:11:20,586 Well, you're lucky you ran into me. 253 00:11:20,622 --> 00:11:22,355 I'm not just a security guard. 254 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,223 I'm also the dean of the university. 255 00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:26,792 Plus, I sell loose cigarettes for a dollar a pop. 256 00:11:26,828 --> 00:11:28,561 I've got an emergency down here. 257 00:11:28,596 --> 00:11:31,530 And tell them it was those monsters at BGZ! 258 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,766 False alarm. 259 00:11:35,203 --> 00:11:37,570 - Beta Gizz! - Aah! 260 00:11:40,008 --> 00:11:43,175 I'm so proud of your progress, honey. 261 00:11:43,211 --> 00:11:44,577 Thought I'd treat you 262 00:11:44,612 --> 00:11:47,246 to the healthiest restaurant in town. 263 00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:49,115 Yay. 264 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:54,120 You keep taking care of yourself, and we'll be able 265 00:11:54,155 --> 00:11:57,390 to have dinners like these for years to come. 266 00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:00,559 I, uh... gotta... go check on the car. 267 00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,695 Got Bazooka Sharks stickers all over that thing, 268 00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,830 and we're clearly in Cyber Mole country. 269 00:12:04,866 --> 00:12:06,599 Cyber Moles! 270 00:12:06,634 --> 00:12:08,401 Come on, Roger. Pick up. 271 00:12:10,204 --> 00:12:11,504 - Roger? - Stan! 272 00:12:11,539 --> 00:12:13,572 - What are you doing here? - Uh, working. You? 273 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:15,074 I'm freaking out. 274 00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,543 This cannot be what the rest of my life is like. 275 00:12:17,578 --> 00:12:19,345 I just need a quick little trip to the afterlife, 276 00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:21,881 maybe visit a memory with a stuffed-crust pizza. 277 00:12:21,916 --> 00:12:25,318 - What do you say? - Fine, I guess I can squeeze you in. 278 00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,219 That's some glory hole humor for ya. 279 00:12:27,255 --> 00:12:30,556 My jokes are what people show up for. The BJs are shit. 280 00:12:31,926 --> 00:12:35,227 Oh, I went ahead and ordered some appetizers. 281 00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:36,862 Enjoy. 282 00:12:36,898 --> 00:12:39,765 I, uh... I am just now realizing 283 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,368 I saw Mark McGwire flossing in the restroom. 284 00:12:42,403 --> 00:12:44,303 I-I gotta thank him for all the homers. 285 00:12:44,339 --> 00:12:45,604 Just one more time! 286 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,906 And leave me under a little longer. 287 00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:48,541 Let me really stretch my legs in there. 288 00:12:48,576 --> 00:12:50,142 I can't do that. 289 00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:52,411 After five or six minutes, you'll really die. Forever. 290 00:12:52,447 --> 00:12:54,380 Fine! Whatever! Just give Daddy a taste! 291 00:12:54,766 --> 00:12:55,881 Okay, but this is it. 292 00:12:55,917 --> 00:12:57,817 You're so addicted to the afterlife 293 00:12:57,852 --> 00:13:00,086 that you're missing out on real life. 294 00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:01,487 I-I'm not some battery. 295 00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:03,022 I'm made of flesh and blood... 296 00:13:03,057 --> 00:13:05,057 and alkaline and manganese oxide. 297 00:13:05,093 --> 00:13:06,192 But I have feelings! 298 00:13:06,227 --> 00:13:07,960 I'm just a normal guy with feelings, 299 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:11,197 who can power most non-Samsung mobile devices. 300 00:13:13,868 --> 00:13:17,036 Holy crap, I just got a retweet from Toshi. 301 00:13:19,273 --> 00:13:22,541 Roger was right. It was crazy to keep asking him to kill me... 302 00:13:22,577 --> 00:13:25,711 when I can just do it myself. 303 00:13:29,617 --> 00:13:32,351 Hmm, a good scientist would test this first. 304 00:13:32,387 --> 00:13:35,654 But if I was a good scientist, then I'd also be a nerd. 305 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:39,291 And I've made my stance on nerds very clear. 306 00:13:48,903 --> 00:13:52,805 I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind if I took a peek at his progress. 307 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,884 Stan hasn't changed at all! 308 00:14:04,919 --> 00:14:07,653 But he did nail my mannerisms. 309 00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:10,990 Stan! Oh, no! 310 00:14:11,025 --> 00:14:12,558 Stan, please! 311 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,165 Whoa! Oh, my god! Guys! 312 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,568 Stan and Francine worked out so hard, they fell asleep! 313 00:14:22,603 --> 00:14:23,936 Shut up and get those Fantas! 314 00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:25,137 I don't want a history lesson! 315 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:30,109 Okay, but I'm telling you, it's super adorable. 316 00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,548 Ugh, that was terrible. 317 00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:40,120 If I could play multiple characters like Eddie Murphy, 318 00:14:40,156 --> 00:14:42,389 they'd all be watching "Norbit" together. 319 00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:50,197 Where am I? Is that a Shamrock Shake? 320 00:14:50,232 --> 00:14:51,398 Why, yes, it is. 321 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,567 But it's not even close to St. Paddy's Day. 322 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,702 Oh, my God. I know where I am. 323 00:14:55,738 --> 00:14:56,937 I'm in Ireland! 324 00:14:56,972 --> 00:14:58,772 Um... you're in heaven. 325 00:14:58,807 --> 00:14:59,698 Yeah, right, buddy. 326 00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,109 If this were really heaven, I'd have a Shamrock... 327 00:15:02,144 --> 00:15:03,543 ...shake! 328 00:15:03,979 --> 00:15:05,946 But that means I actually died. 329 00:15:06,419 --> 00:15:08,715 Why didn't the revival paddles fall on me? 330 00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:10,250 Because they fell on me! 331 00:15:10,286 --> 00:15:12,252 I can't believe you killed us both! 332 00:15:12,288 --> 00:15:13,854 Well, technically, you killed us 333 00:15:13,889 --> 00:15:15,556 - when you got in the way of my... - Stan. 334 00:15:15,591 --> 00:15:16,481 Okay, all right. 335 00:15:16,481 --> 00:15:18,292 We could sit here all day, arguing about 336 00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,594 whose homemade death machine killed who. 337 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,162 Or we could look at the bright side. 338 00:15:22,198 --> 00:15:23,864 We can do anything we want here! 339 00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:25,499 Bam! My bum knee is fixed. 340 00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:26,967 Bam! Ten-pack! 341 00:15:27,002 --> 00:15:29,570 Bam! I have a tail. Hell, yeah! 342 00:15:30,923 --> 00:15:32,306 Don't you get it? 343 00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:35,075 We're never gonna see our kids grow up! 344 00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:37,377 We can make our own versions of Hayley and Steve. 345 00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:40,113 But that Hayley doesn't even have a mouth. 346 00:15:40,149 --> 00:15:44,184 And that's not even Steve. It's Turtle from "Entourage." 347 00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,853 - Yeah! Heaven! - I just don't get it. 348 00:15:46,889 --> 00:15:49,323 What was so horrible about your life 349 00:15:49,358 --> 00:15:51,425 that you wanted to kill yourself? 350 00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:55,062 I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was escaping into my memories. 351 00:15:55,097 --> 00:15:57,097 When I heard about my poor health, 352 00:15:57,132 --> 00:15:58,832 I-I know I played it cool, 353 00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:01,001 but I wasn't as cool as I was playing it, 354 00:16:01,036 --> 00:16:02,536 which was super cool. 355 00:16:02,571 --> 00:16:04,504 But beneath that Joe Camel cool 356 00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,340 was a Marlboro coward, 357 00:16:06,375 --> 00:16:09,676 terrified of the long, slow decline of my body. 358 00:16:09,712 --> 00:16:11,945 Oh, Stan, I hear you. 359 00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,915 And I thank you for sharing that with me. 360 00:16:14,950 --> 00:16:18,785 But the thing is... you killed us, you idiot! 361 00:16:18,821 --> 00:16:22,689 We still had a lifetime of memories to make on Earth, 362 00:16:22,725 --> 00:16:24,658 and you stole those from me! 363 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,360 So as far as I'm concerned, 364 00:16:26,395 --> 00:16:29,563 you can spend the rest of eternity by yourself! 365 00:16:29,598 --> 00:16:32,099 Francine, wait! Give Turtle-Steve a chance. 366 00:16:32,134 --> 00:16:33,767 He's just like Steve, 367 00:16:33,802 --> 00:16:37,271 except he'll drive us anywhere and he's always on ass patrol. 368 00:16:42,021 --> 00:16:43,343 Just doesn't taste the same 369 00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:46,847 without Francine begging me to stop for my own good. 370 00:16:46,882 --> 00:16:48,248 Excuse me, do you know 371 00:16:48,284 --> 00:16:50,484 if there's any way to get back to Earth? 372 00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:53,654 Um, if you're looking to escape the afterlife, I'd ask in hell. 373 00:16:53,689 --> 00:16:56,223 People are always trying to get out of that craphole. 374 00:16:56,258 --> 00:16:58,592 Great. Thank you! Sorry, one last question. 375 00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:01,328 If you're in heaven, why do you have to work as a waitress? 376 00:17:01,363 --> 00:17:04,197 Oh, no. I'm a slave. 377 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:14,608 Hey, demon, is this obstacle course the way back to Earth? 378 00:17:14,643 --> 00:17:16,910 Nah, that's the way out of hell into heaven. 379 00:17:16,945 --> 00:17:19,112 Stepping to the starting line, 380 00:17:19,148 --> 00:17:21,581 Adolf Hitler! 381 00:17:21,617 --> 00:17:25,185 Adolf is best remembered for his work in World War II, 382 00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:28,388 and his legacy lives on in Macklemore's haircut. 383 00:17:28,424 --> 00:17:32,059 He'll be making his 453rd attempt 384 00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,428 at getting through the course tonight. 385 00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:36,029 And he's off! 386 00:17:36,065 --> 00:17:38,899 Powering through the quintuple steps with ease! 387 00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,868 No trouble with the rolling log! 388 00:17:43,038 --> 00:17:45,939 Ooh! He tried to rush the salmon ladder, 389 00:17:45,974 --> 00:17:47,808 and it looks like... 390 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,311 No one ever makes it. 391 00:17:51,347 --> 00:17:53,847 But it's nice just to... get out of the house! 392 00:17:53,882 --> 00:17:56,983 There's gotta be a way to get me and Francine back to Earth. 393 00:17:57,019 --> 00:18:00,454 Yo, wings! Back to heaven with you, you tourist. 394 00:18:00,489 --> 00:18:02,789 Think, Stan! What do I know about the devil? 395 00:18:02,825 --> 00:18:05,892 ♪ Devil with a moo mess, moo mess, moo mess ♪ 396 00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:07,828 ♪ Devil-mmm-mmm, moo mess-ma ♪ 397 00:18:07,863 --> 00:18:11,098 That's it! He's always makin' deals. 398 00:18:12,101 --> 00:18:14,034 Hey, you're a bettin' man, right? 399 00:18:14,069 --> 00:18:15,435 How 'bout this for a deal? 400 00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:17,137 You send my wife and me back to Earth 401 00:18:17,172 --> 00:18:18,839 to live out the rest of our lives. 402 00:18:18,874 --> 00:18:21,875 And... yawn. What's in it for me? 403 00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:24,511 Next time I die, I won't go to heaven. 404 00:18:24,546 --> 00:18:25,979 You get my soul. 405 00:18:26,014 --> 00:18:28,315 So you're willing to give up heaven 406 00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:31,985 for a few more miserable years on Earth? 407 00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:34,254 Yes, because all the heaven I've ever needed 408 00:18:34,289 --> 00:18:36,790 was being with Francine and my kids. 409 00:18:36,825 --> 00:18:39,826 Oh, wow, Stan. I had no idea... 410 00:18:39,862 --> 00:18:42,162 that you were such a bitch! 411 00:18:42,197 --> 00:18:44,364 Fine, you got a deal. 412 00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:47,300 Oh, and when you get back to Earth, 413 00:18:47,336 --> 00:18:49,536 tell Rachael Ray to [bleep] off. 414 00:18:49,571 --> 00:18:51,037 She'll know what she did. 415 00:18:51,073 --> 00:18:53,407 That is not how you treat another person! 416 00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:58,750 I can't believe they're dead! 417 00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,849 Now I'm just as broken up about this as you are, 418 00:19:02,885 --> 00:19:05,519 but we can't ignore the facts... It's pretty chilly out, 419 00:19:05,554 --> 00:19:07,587 and neither of us knows how to work the thermostat. 420 00:19:07,623 --> 00:19:10,023 Our only option is to slice open the bodies 421 00:19:10,058 --> 00:19:11,925 so we can huddle inside them for warmth. 422 00:19:13,189 --> 00:19:14,127 Let's do it. 423 00:19:14,163 --> 00:19:16,663 I refuse to sleep in socks. 424 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,434 Stan, we're alive! 425 00:19:20,469 --> 00:19:21,802 Oh, thank God! 426 00:19:21,837 --> 00:19:23,470 What... happened? 427 00:19:23,505 --> 00:19:26,773 I guess someone realized we needed more time here together. 428 00:19:26,809 --> 00:19:28,175 And this time around, 429 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:30,844 I'm gonna make it last as long as possible. 430 00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:33,713 'Cause then I'm going to hell. 431 00:19:33,749 --> 00:19:35,182 What's with the knife? 432 00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:37,517 You shouldn't have to be a goddamn electrician 433 00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:38,885 to live in this house! 434 00:19:41,256 --> 00:19:43,990 Oh, is it cookie time already? 435 00:19:44,026 --> 00:19:46,726 Circle up, boys. We have a game to play. 436 00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:49,062 No, Steve, you're late for graduation! 437 00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:50,797 From pledging? 438 00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:52,466 No, from ASU! 439 00:19:52,501 --> 00:19:54,868 Come on, it's about to start! 440 00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:56,937 How?! I was only here for a week. 441 00:19:56,972 --> 00:19:59,673 Remember when you asked a question in the science lab? 442 00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:02,742 That was the minimum requirement to graduate! 443 00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,344 Now hurry up! 444 00:20:04,379 --> 00:20:07,814 Oh, and get a speech ready. You're also valedictorian! 445 00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:15,206 _ 446 00:20:15,241 --> 00:20:18,314 _ 447 00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:22,511 _ 448 00:20:22,612 --> 00:20:24,507 _ 449 00:20:25,296 --> 00:20:27,117 _ 450 00:20:27,218 --> 00:20:29,429 _ 451 00:20:29,430 --> 00:20:31,630 _ 452 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,607 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 453 00:20:37,779 --> 00:20:39,946 Stan, ready for a jog? 454 00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:41,147 Yep! Just one minute. 455 00:20:41,183 --> 00:20:42,449 Stan, I love that 456 00:20:42,484 --> 00:20:44,484 you're beasting it on the salmon ladder, 457 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,887 but there's no shame in starting basic. 458 00:20:46,922 --> 00:20:49,990 I know. I just think this will be very beneficial long-term. 459 00:20:51,226 --> 00:20:53,159 I need to live forever. 460 00:20:53,195 --> 00:20:54,797 That's the spirit!