1 00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:04,004 _ 2 00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,873 For Cultural Appreciation Day, 3 00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:09,009 I'm honoring 4,000 years of Jewish tradition 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,745 by circumcising this unrealistically long 5 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:13,514 Hebrew National. 6 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:20,221 You can see why the ladies think it looks... better. 7 00:00:22,036 --> 00:00:23,804 _ 8 00:00:23,805 --> 00:00:25,805 _ 9 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,403 Wooden click-clack shoes are the best part 10 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,105 of being Dutch! 11 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,539 But the wooden underwear 12 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:41,409 gives me splinters in my nether lands. 13 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,043 You guys are so lucky. 14 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,879 My dad won't tell me anything about our heritage. 15 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,915 He says being American is enough. 16 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,750 Really? I thought that outfit 17 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,385 was some kind of religious get-up 18 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,421 because you wear it every day. 19 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,823 And it's really unflattering. 20 00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,660 Everyone has cool cultural traditions except me. 21 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,495 I don't even know what I am. 22 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,565 Guys! My arms are from Uzbekistan, 23 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:07,000 and my legs are from Thailand. 24 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,237 My right eye is from India, 25 00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,573 and my left eye is from a dairy cow. 26 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,408 Even this monster has a better sense 27 00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,277 of his cultural identity than I do. 28 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,413 Steve, having friends who are monsters 29 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:23,251 doesn't mean you can use the "M" word. 30 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,119 Spaghetti and meatballs. 31 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,620 Gotta love my peeps! 32 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,021 Wait, Principal Lewis, 33 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:30,324 Italian food is part of your culture? 34 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,693 What should I be eating, Steve? 35 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:36,264 What should a man with my physical attributes be eating? 36 00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,932 Something from a different part of the world, perhaps? 37 00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:40,468 A certain continent? 38 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,536 Should I be wearing a different kind of clothing 39 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:43,804 while eating it? 40 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,038 Enlighten me, Steve. 41 00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:48,342 What should I be eating?! 42 00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,877 Uh... 43 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,846 Deez nuts? 44 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,216 Your silver tongue has gotten you 45 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:58,386 out of yet another scrape, Smith. 46 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,557 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 47 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:07,395 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 48 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:10,498 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 49 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:14,001 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 50 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:20,308 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 51 00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:22,476 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 52 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,711 Aah! 53 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:28,349 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 54 00:02:31,474 --> 00:02:33,221 Dad, check out my new project. 55 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,056 This isn't another lame science fair experiment, is it? 56 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,758 No, I-I'm making a family tree... 57 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,560 No. I'm talking about this. 58 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,229 All of this. 59 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,996 The simulation. 60 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,665 Uh... no. 61 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,200 I'm making a family tree 62 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,436 so I can find our family's roots. 63 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,672 So far, all I have is you and mom, Jack, and your mother. 64 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,774 Oh, a-a-and you have a brother, too, right? 65 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:55,008 When it's convenient, yes. 66 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,378 Well, since Mom and Hayley are out of town, 67 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,780 I was hoping you'd help me fill in the empty branches. 68 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,282 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 69 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,184 Dad, what the hell?! 70 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,420 It doesn't matter where we came from. 71 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:10,123 We're Americans, the badass super-people all of humanity 72 00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,892 has been evolving to become! 73 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:15,429 But everyone in school has neat cultural traditions and stuff! 74 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,097 Cultural traditions? 75 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,066 Amber waves of grain, man. 76 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,101 Purple mountains majesty, man. 77 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,037 America made Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select, 78 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,806 and don't forget the mistake at the factory 79 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:29,076 that graced us with Budweiser: Oops, All Hops! 80 00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,144 You realize you set my project on fire 81 00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:34,448 and then gave me a speech that was ultimately about beer, yes? 82 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,916 'Merica. 83 00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:41,088 Thanks for agreeing to meet out here on my new balcony. 84 00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,056 I thought it would be nice to enjoy the fresh air, 85 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,825 be surrounded by my plants. 86 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,961 Did you know "balcony" might be Latin for "air terrace"? 87 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,130 I actually have a problem I need to talk out, and... 88 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,632 Let's put a pin in that. 89 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,567 I gotta turn the sausages on the grill behind you, 90 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,669 but I feel like I won't be able to fit past the table. 91 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,237 Come on, Roger. 92 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,939 Actually, I'm gonna put you in charge 93 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,108 of the sausages since you're closer. 94 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,910 Sausage Steve. 95 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,244 That's how I'll remember it. 96 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,913 - Mnemonic device. - Roger! 97 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,615 I want to find my cultural roots, 98 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,450 and Dad's refusing to help! 99 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,588 Fine, I'll turn the damn sausages. 100 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,458 That's only one sausage, Sausage Steve. 101 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,960 Honestly, I'm starting to wonder how you even got that name. 102 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,795 I looked into taking a DNA test, 103 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,331 but I'm not old enough. 104 00:04:23,332 --> 00:04:25,232 _ 105 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:28,268 Who says you have to use your DNA? 106 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,545 The door's not locked. We can walk right in. 107 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:38,846 Oh, come on. I thought we agreed 108 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,148 we were doing a whole stylized heist thing. 109 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,884 Let's just get my dad's DNA before we wake him up. 110 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:46,487 Are you crazy?! 111 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,689 The best DNA is in the fluids... 112 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,824 saliva, blood, semen. 113 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:52,660 And I know a way to get all three at once. 114 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,027 It's called... 115 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,563 We're not doing whatever it's called. 116 00:04:55,663 --> 00:04:57,130 Okay, then. Plan "B." 117 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,900 I whisper some really dirty stuff in Stan's ear. 118 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,335 Like, filthy. 119 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,036 You're down there with a ziplock baggie, 120 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,472 waiting for nature to take its course. 121 00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:05,573 Look! 122 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,212 Well, I can still do my part of Plan "B." 123 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:15,215 It was a dark and horny night. 124 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,984 The hospital furnace was broken, 125 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:19,820 and the nurses were huddling together to keep warm. 126 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,023 Did I mention this was the sex pervert hospital, 127 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,525 Geyser Permanente? 128 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,427 Ohh, God! 129 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,436 Mom, thank you so much for traveling the country 130 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,238 with me to all these Sub Hubs to narc out bad employees. 131 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:43,043 And thank you for the free trip to the Wichita, Kansas! 132 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:47,681 I haven't seen many witches yet, but I'll be ready when I do! 133 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,083 Being a secret shopper is a lot of pressure. 134 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,085 If I don't bust someone, corporate will assume 135 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,622 that I'm on the take, and I'll get fired! 136 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,090 Welcome to Sub Hub, home of the Sub Hub Hub Sub. 137 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,693 Are you a member of the Sub Hub Hub Sub Grub Club, bub? 138 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,595 Shit, I've never heard anyone say that right. 139 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,397 Stick to your guns. 140 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,033 Ahem. I hope my order's not too... 141 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,035 complicated, but... 142 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,937 one six-inch on wheat, two slices of dry turkey, 143 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,639 one slice of wet ham, half a slice of roast beef, 144 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,741 shredded, four pickles, two olives, 145 00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:15,242 and exactly the amount of spicy mustard 146 00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:17,377 you can make from 14 mustard seeds. 147 00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,081 Here you go. Anything else? 148 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,083 Maybe a little help with closing your mouth? 149 00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:25,986 She touched you! 150 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,921 That has to be against the rules. 151 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,991 Actually, at Sub Hub, touching the customer is encouraged. 152 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,126 Everybody living their best life? 153 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,895 Mwah! Mwah! 154 00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:41,602 Huh. An e-mail from Farmville 155 00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:44,171 saying I'm the last one playing. 156 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,458 I guess I win! 157 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,844 "Stan Smith, your DNA test results have been finalized"? 158 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,914 "Click here to learn where your ancestors came from." 159 00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:56,083 Steve! Downstairs, now! 160 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,352 - Yes, Papa? - Does this have something to do 161 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,021 with that powerful wet dream 162 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,823 I had about that hospital the other night? 163 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:03,924 Uh... 164 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,827 Stealing my DNA? That's fraud! 165 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,428 You signed up for this test. 166 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,863 You delete the e-mail. 167 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,364 All right. 168 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:14,134 But this link could be our link 169 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,937 to a whole world of possibilities. 170 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,009 ♪ We could be Frenchmen ♪ 171 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,877 ♪ With bikes and baguettes ♪ 172 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:27,347 ♪ We could be Italian with long cigarettes ♪ 173 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:30,818 ♪ We could be Vikings who plunder the sea ♪ 174 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,787 ♪ These are a few of the things we could be ♪ 175 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,055 Are we allowed to do this? 176 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,725 These are kind of broad stereotypes. 177 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:41,194 ♪ We could be Greek guys in sandals and togas ♪ 178 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,498 ♪ We could be Indian practicing yoga ♪ 179 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:48,068 ♪ We could be half Aussie and half Japanese ♪ 180 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:51,872 ♪ These are a few of the things we could be ♪ 181 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,842 Okay, the boomerang chopsticks thing was kinda cool. 182 00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,644 ♪ We could be Scots ♪ 183 00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,345 ♪ We could be Poles ♪ 184 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,714 ♪ We could be Dutch lads ♪ 185 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,518 ♪ If you simply consider the things we could be ♪ 186 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:07,054 ♪ All of them seem ♪ 187 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:10,023 ♪ So rad ♪ 188 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,028 Do you still want me to delete it? 189 00:08:15,128 --> 00:08:16,396 Of course! What was that? 190 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,065 You got footprints all over the couch! 191 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,433 I can't, Dad! I gotta know! 192 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,439 I am... 193 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,942 100% Canadian?! 194 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,011 Isn't that cool, Dad?! 195 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,680 No! It's terrible! 196 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,348 Canada's the cheap knock-off of America. 197 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:38,185 America is Oreos, and Canada is Hydrox! 198 00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:42,189 Steve, when you realize how bad this news is, come comfort me. 199 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,258 I'll be crying feeble Canadian tears in my study. 200 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,629 I like Canada. 201 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,297 No, you don't! 202 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,404 A real live human being! 203 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,707 I haven't spoken out loud in days! 204 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,274 Hello, Tuttle. 205 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,744 I'm going door to door admitting my secret shame... 206 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,879 I'm... Canadian. 207 00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,915 Neat! I'm Tuttle! 208 00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,917 That's my secret shame. 209 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:12,620 - Oh, you got a new flag! - What the hell? 210 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,893 Hey, Dad! Wanna hear a Canuck-nuck joke? 211 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,062 That's a Canadian knock-knock joke. 212 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,731 Canuck-nuck! 213 00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:24,965 Who's there? 214 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,433 This just in. 215 00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,268 "This just in" who? 216 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,237 This Justin Trudeau guy 217 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,572 won't stop doing blackface, eh? 218 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,007 What's with all this Canada crap? 219 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,275 I've been studying the traditions 220 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,177 of our Canadian ancestors. 221 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,848 Instead of Dunkin' Donuts, they have Tim Horton's Donuts. 222 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,851 Instead of milk cartons, they have milk bags. 223 00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,353 And instead of Game of Thrones, they have Drake, 224 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:49,322 who sits upon the throne as king of the rap game. 225 00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,793 Right on time! 226 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,795 Thanks a lot, Steve! 227 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:58,365 Look, I made Klaus a moose, the noble Canadian beast. 228 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,267 Ugh! Look at these antlers! 229 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,636 I'll never wear a turtleneck again! 230 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,974 I've been Canadian for like one day, 231 00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,642 and my life is in shambles. 232 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,111 Okay, I give up. 233 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,313 Let's go do American stuff. 234 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,683 How about I make us some pancakes with maple syrup? 235 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,517 We eat it while watching Mike Myers movies, 236 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,820 then discuss our favorite Michael Bublé songs. 237 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,222 Okay, these sound like things I can get on board with. 238 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:23,490 Aha! 239 00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:24,892 All those things are Canadian! 240 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,526 What a dirty trick! 241 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,462 How dare you use pancakes against me! 242 00:10:30,394 --> 00:10:33,000 Excuse me. I'm looking for Stan Smith. 243 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,402 A DNA test company sent me to take him on a tour 244 00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:38,405 of his ancestral village, Smithville, Canada. 245 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,907 Dad! Get out here! 246 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,810 Screw you, Steve! You ruined my life! 247 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,812 - I'm Stan Smith. - Great, sir! 248 00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,213 Hop on up! 249 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,981 This is exciting! 250 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,418 But I hope not too exciting, or it wouldn't be Canadian. 251 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,357 Wow! Here we are in Sin City! 252 00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,093 - It's pronounced "Cincinnati." - Huh. 253 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,895 Well, either way, this place 254 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,698 has a whole lot more witches than Wichita. 255 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,502 Mom, focus. I got a new plan. 256 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,571 Sub Hub wants their cashiers to push people 257 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,373 to order more stuff than they want. 258 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,175 It's called "upselling." 259 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,610 But if I can get out of here with just a bag of chips 260 00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,848 and a cup of water, we'll have someone to write up. 261 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:22,549 Damn it, they're good! 262 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,691 Meat thief. Meat thief. 263 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,426 This is my big chance to make a bust. 264 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,530 - We gotta tail him! - To the meat mobile! 265 00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:42,970 Goddamn witches, man. 266 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,105 Thanks for agreeing to have this conversation 267 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,539 on my new balcony, Stan. 268 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:47,808 Fine, whatever. 269 00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,309 Unfortunately, the new bird feeder 270 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,244 I put up seems to be attracting crows, 271 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:52,780 but that's balcony life. 272 00:11:57,250 --> 00:12:00,220 Did you know "crow" might be Latin for "air steak"? 273 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,090 Roger! You said you had important news about Steve! 274 00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,324 Oh, yeah, Steve. 275 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,959 I-I saw him ride off on horseback 276 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,227 with a Canadian Mountie. 277 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,296 Those Canadian bastards! 278 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,098 How am I going to get him back? 279 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,336 I really started to drag right around Vermont. 280 00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:18,105 But now that we crossed the border and I had that 281 00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:21,441 Kind bar, I feel totally re-energized. 282 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,944 _ 283 00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:25,645 All done, my boy. 284 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,480 What do you think aboot your new jean jacket, eh? 285 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,649 Well, I'm an acid-wash man, but it'll do. 286 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,119 Silence! A moose approaches. 287 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:34,654 Dad! You came! 288 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,757 Welcome to Smithville, Canada! 289 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,526 I refuse to be welcomed. 290 00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:40,928 Too late! 291 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,463 'Cause here come your long-lost relatives. 292 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,598 I'm your cousin Jeffrey, eh! 293 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,767 Uh, don't worry, that bulge in my jeans 294 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,102 is just a can of Molson. 295 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,271 And I'm your Uncle Carl, ya hoser! 296 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:53,540 And this ain't no Molson in my pocket. 297 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,043 It's a grade-A Canadian rager! 298 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,211 Aw, look at you! 299 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,648 You're as cute as a beaver on a hockey puck! 300 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,817 That must be one tiny beaver. 301 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,385 Hi, I'm Stan. 302 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,623 I bet he's stealing one piece of ham a day 303 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:11,859 and selling it on eBay. 304 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,027 I bet he's collecting ham slices 305 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,664 so he can squish them all together and make a whole pig! 306 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,072 An animal shelter? 307 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,840 Told ya he was making a pig. 308 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,546 Ugh! 309 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,048 He's just giving food to needy animals. 310 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,516 I can't bust him for that. 311 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,996 Or, maybe he's a gross pervert. 312 00:13:49,992 --> 00:13:51,031 Freeze, scumbag! 313 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,033 Sub Hub Internal Affairs! 314 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,502 Aaaaah! 315 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,439 What's that, scumbag? 316 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,242 Did you just say, "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble"? 317 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,711 Mom, no! He's no good to us dead! 318 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:10,350 ♪ O, Stan and Steve ♪ 319 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:14,054 ♪ This is your native land ♪ 320 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,224 ♪ We welcome you ♪ 321 00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:20,793 ♪ Enjoy the feast at hand ♪ 322 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,732 I get it now. 323 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:28,135 Canada's not a knock-off of America. 324 00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:29,702 It's our minor leagues! 325 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,438 They test out a bunch of stuff, 326 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,206 and whenever something's good enough, 327 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:36,643 we call it up to the big leagues of the USA, like Jim Carrey! 328 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:38,711 - And hockey! - And lentils! 329 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,047 For real, look it up. 330 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:41,581 I'm glad you're coming around, Dad, 331 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,551 but something feels a little off about this place. 332 00:14:44,651 --> 00:14:48,155 Hey, there. Can I top you off, yeah? 333 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:51,224 Wait, milk from a carton? Not a bag? 334 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,760 A-And this bacon is crispy American strips, 335 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,662 not floppy Canadian circles. 336 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:56,997 I'm sure it's nothing. 337 00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,731 But what self-respecting Canadian would serve 338 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,468 Krispy Kreme doughnuts instead of Tim Horton's! 339 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,836 First you bug me about embracing our heritage, 340 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,639 and now that I do, you're trying to take it away from me? 341 00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:10,577 We Canadians have a word for that, Steve... beaver-shit. 342 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,114 Listen up, eh! 343 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:17,150 Let's welcome our two newest Smiths 344 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:21,188 with a ceremonial toast of maple syrup! 345 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:27,927 To Frank Zamboni 346 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:32,165 and his miraculous ice-smoothing machine! 347 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,439 What happened? 348 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,274 Where is everyone? 349 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,977 Oh, we... we must have been drugged. 350 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:47,147 Aaah! 351 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,449 There's a big cut in my tummy! 352 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:51,985 Me, too! Incisions everywhere! 353 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,324 They stole your organs. 354 00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,558 Our relatives? 355 00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:00,627 It's all a scam. 356 00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,997 The DNA tests you took were to find matching donors 357 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,499 for their billionaire clientele. 358 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,169 Wait. You mean we're not Canadian? 359 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,171 - We're billionaires? - No! 360 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:15,142 Your organs are being sold to billionaires, 361 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,010 just like mine. 362 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,323 Oh, my God! 363 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:20,980 They can take my liver, 364 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,983 spleen, colon, 365 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:27,187 but they can't take my dignity! 366 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,894 But we're gonna be okay, right, Dad? 367 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,529 Of course we are. 368 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:40,033 Right after I rest all my muscles at the same time. 369 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,409 Dad, we can't survive long missing organs. 370 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,078 We have to get to a hospital. 371 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,880 Well, hold on, Steve. There's a silver lining to this. 372 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:57,284 We both just lost 10 pounds right before beach season. 373 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,453 Ooh, 11 pounds! 374 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,255 Come on, Dad. We need to find help. 375 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,023 Let me collect myself. 376 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,296 Huh, guess that's not gonna stay. 377 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,030 Let's go get that help you were talking about. 378 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,700 I know just the place. 379 00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:19,139 - Call a hospital. - Yeah. 380 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,940 Ever since our organs were harvested, 381 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,576 I've been feeling a little sluggish. 382 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,977 One of everything, please. 383 00:17:26,215 --> 00:17:27,647 I can barely breathe. 384 00:17:28,650 --> 00:17:30,483 But maybe this bear claw 385 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,919 could replace my missing lung. 386 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,391 Oh, my God! It's working! 387 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:39,726 Let me try. 388 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,394 I've lost a ton of blood, but maybe 389 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,330 if I have a squirt of doughnut jelly... 390 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:47,567 Oh, yeah! Doughnut power, baby! 391 00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:51,404 You know, "honey bun" kinda rhymes with "intest-tun." 392 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:55,608 And "maple bar" has the same number of letters as "butthole"! 393 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,412 That's one 42-year-old spleen! 394 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:00,520 Going once! 395 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,315 Bet you my new maple bar colon 396 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,584 those are our organs being auctioned in there. 397 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,286 Going twice! 398 00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,454 Sold! 399 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:11,424 Looks like someone's got some spleenin' to do! 400 00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:13,660 Aaah! 401 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,116 Ahh! 402 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,166 Aykroyd. 403 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,800 Labatt. 404 00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,034 Canadian. 405 00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,303 Specifics. 406 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,372 Dad, what are you doing? 407 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:28,508 No, no, no, no! 408 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,477 We never even left the cabin! 409 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,712 Oh, it was all a hallucination! 410 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,883 This is all my fault. 411 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,018 I shouldn't have stolen your DNA. 412 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,121 Yes, I'm pretty sure that's the lesson here. 413 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,023 I don't think I've done anything wrong. 414 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,394 In fact, I'm heading back to my Tim Horton's hallucination 415 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,995 for a final doughnut. 416 00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,230 That's it! 417 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,365 We'll get help at a Tim Horton's. 418 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,001 The Canadian Constitution requires there be one 419 00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:57,136 every 300 meters! 420 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,840 Is anyone here a doctor? 421 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:03,009 Our organs have been stolen. 422 00:19:03,598 --> 00:19:05,812 I'm a doctor. 423 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:08,981 I'm sorry. You're missing a lung, a liver, and a colon. 424 00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,317 I got an extra lung! 425 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,551 You can have my liver, eh! 426 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,753 Take my colon. I mostly pee. 427 00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,655 Me first! Me first! 428 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,761 They're just giving us their organs? 429 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,363 Yeah, Dad. 430 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,398 The number-one cause of death in Canada is friendliness! 431 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,670 Huh. This is where the Sub Hub corporate office 432 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,004 told me to wait. 433 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,875 Hello! I'm Sebastian Hub, 434 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,578 Sub Hub's founder, CEO, and namesake. 435 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,012 Is that the troublemaker? 436 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,181 - Sir, yes, sir! - At ease, Ms. Smith. 437 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,951 Thank you for bringing this degenerate to me. 438 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,586 You're fired! 439 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,789 And you're hired to party with me full-time 440 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,291 on the Sub Hub Party Sub! 441 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,398 Wait, what the (BLEEP) is going on? 442 00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:00,032 Look, it's pretty obvious. 443 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,534 I have a party sub. 444 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,237 I need a bunch of badasses to party with me. 445 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,905 Rule breakers are the best partiers, 446 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,907 and you just helped me find one. 447 00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,281 But this freak's into bestiality! 448 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:17,216 Sounds like a "party animal" to me! 449 00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:23,723 On the bright side, he forgot his submarine. 450 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,091 Yeah, his shitty little one. 451 00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:26,726 It doesn't even have lettuce on it. 452 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:30,963 That kind of attitude is why we're not on the party sub. 453 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,302 Well, here they are. 454 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:38,638 My real DNA test results. 455 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,072 This can't be right. 456 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,674 Why? W-What are we? 457 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:42,942 W-What's it say? 458 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:44,277 My credit card was declined. 459 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:46,679 Quick! You gotta hide me! 460 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,947 It's moose season! 461 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,749 Who's hunting you around here? 462 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:56,122 Shh! Be ve-wy, ve-wy quiet. 463 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,757 I'm hunting mooses. 464 00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,191 Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! 465 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130 Bye! Have a beautiful time! 466 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,100 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com