1 00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,352 All my life, I felt like I was just going through the motions. 2 00:00:04,395 --> 00:00:06,223 Walking left, walking right. 3 00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:09,487 As if I were a background character in my own life. 4 00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:11,185 And then I saw her. 5 00:00:11,228 --> 00:00:14,231 We locked eyes. And that was it. 6 00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:18,409 I loved her instantly. We've been together ever since. 7 00:00:18,453 --> 00:00:21,412 They don't usually let us talk. 8 00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,197 I shot my first husband! 9 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,722 [patriotic music plays] 10 00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:29,551 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 11 00:00:29,594 --> 00:00:33,424 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day♪ 12 00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:36,688 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪ 13 00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:40,475 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪ 14 00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:45,958 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪ 15 00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:48,091 -♪ Good--♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 16 00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:49,223 Aah! 17 00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:54,097 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪ 18 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:58,841 ♪ 19 00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,886 Wow! 20 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,540 "Wow" is right! 21 00:01:02,584 --> 00:01:04,325 We couldn't sleep either! 22 00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:07,371 Tomorrow is the big day! It's all come down to this! 23 00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,112 The overnight class trip! 24 00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:13,551 To the most romantic city in the world-- Philadelphia. 25 00:01:13,595 --> 00:01:15,771 Two nights. No parents. 26 00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:19,209 You're going to literally fall in love in the City of Love! 27 00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:21,124 Well, it's the City of Brotherly Love. 28 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,127 And, brother, you're gonna fall in love! 29 00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:25,824 [all cheer] 30 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,654 Steve, tell us again about Milk Girl. 31 00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,179 - Again?! - Give us the goss, boss! 32 00:01:32,222 --> 00:01:34,790 Well, as you all know, she's a tenth grader. 33 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,053 Oooo! 34 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,578 She sits in the front row of my AP Philadelphia class, 35 00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:43,015 puts her backpack on the left side of her chair, 36 00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,234 and she drinks 37 00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,541 - a [bleep] ton of milk. - No cap. 38 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:49,196 I've been in love with her from afar all year, 39 00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:52,068 and this is the trip where I turn afar... 40 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,202 into... a-close. 41 00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,291 [both cheering] 42 00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,947 - Is that her? - No. 43 00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:04,080 - Is that her?! - Guys, I promise, 44 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,734 when you see her, you will know. 45 00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:06,865 Eee! 46 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:09,825 Francine, please, try to be cool. 47 00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:11,479 [squeals] 48 00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:15,396 Guess who just transferred into AP Philadelphia! 49 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,528 I heard you guys were going to the US Mint, 50 00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:19,704 and I've always been super curious 51 00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,271 about what money looks like! 52 00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:24,361 I figured we could sit together on the bus 53 00:02:24,405 --> 00:02:27,451 and you can catch me up on other Philadelphia stuff, 54 00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:30,062 like how a cream cheese became a city. 55 00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:31,325 - He can't! - He can't! 56 00:02:31,368 --> 00:02:33,196 Would that I could, pal. See this cooler? 57 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,763 Full of milk. 58 00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,505 I'm talking skim, whole, almond, unpasteurized, 59 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:40,377 milk of magnesia, should the unpasteurized be a problem. 60 00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:43,380 So the plan is, I sit next to her on the bus, 61 00:02:43,424 --> 00:02:47,428 dazzle her with the milk buffet, just lay a solid foundation. 62 00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,995 By the time we get to the Rocky Statue part of the trip, 63 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:52,215 we'll be practically engaged. 64 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,783 O-M-G, O-M-G, O-M-G! That's gotta be her! 65 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:56,567 FRANCINE: She's here! O-M-G! Don't look! 66 00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,395 She's perfect just like you said 67 00:02:58,439 --> 00:03:01,442 There is just something so sweet about her. 68 00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,444 And even though I don't know her name yet, 69 00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,446 I know we are destined to be together. 70 00:03:05,489 --> 00:03:08,057 Listen up! I only teach this class 71 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,973 for the free trip to Filthydelphia. 72 00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,716 I look forward to it all year. 73 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,935 I'm counting on you kids to be cool. 74 00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,982 Woo! That's strong! 75 00:03:20,025 --> 00:03:21,853 This is my boy Marty. 76 00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:24,073 Normally, I'd have some teachers or parents chaperone, 77 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:27,119 but lucky for you, Marty is in town 78 00:03:27,163 --> 00:03:29,470 and he's looking to get out of town. 79 00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:30,819 [ding!] 80 00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:32,647 And now attendance. 81 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:35,737 I-- I see, uh, Milk Girl. 82 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:38,305 There's, uh, Milk Girl's Little Friend. 83 00:03:38,348 --> 00:03:40,263 And, uh, yeah. 84 00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:43,614 Y-Y-Y-You know what? It-- It looks like you're all here. 85 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,138 If you're here, just get on the bus! 86 00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,966 [indistinct conversations] 87 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,447 [slurping] 88 00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:53,624 'Scuse me! 'Scuse. 89 00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,365 Sorry! Coming through! 90 00:03:57,367 --> 00:03:59,630 Um, what do you think you're doing? I'm sitting here. 91 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:00,762 STEVE: AHHH! 92 00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:03,025 Unh! Aaah! 93 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:04,853 Don't freak out. It's vintage. 94 00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:07,334 This fox has been dead for like 70 years. 95 00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:09,074 I wear it to remind me of my grandma. 96 00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:12,295 She was a stone-cold fox. Still is actually. 97 00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,297 And what a bitch. I really admire her. 98 00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:15,951 I can't believe it! 99 00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,213 That my grandma is my best friend? 100 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,823 What? No. 101 00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:21,173 I was supposed to be sitting next to a girl up there. 102 00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:23,175 I had the perfect plan. 103 00:04:23,219 --> 00:04:26,222 We were gonna fall in love on this bus. 104 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,050 Well, your "perfect plan" had a fatal flaw-- 105 00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,530 love doesn't exist. 106 00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:30,792 Anyway, hi. I'm Ali. 107 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,446 Well, I'm Steve. 108 00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,622 And that's insane. Of course love exists. 109 00:04:34,665 --> 00:04:35,666 No, it doesn't. 110 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,886 It does, and it conquers all. 111 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,410 Me and that girl up there are soul mates. 112 00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,585 Which girl? 113 00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:42,847 The girl drinking milk. 114 00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,284 ALI: What's her name? 115 00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:47,199 "What's in a name?" Shakespeare. 116 00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:48,505 So you don't even know her name. 117 00:04:48,549 --> 00:04:50,681 You're distracting me. I have to do something! 118 00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,988 - Something embarrassing? - I'm writing a note 119 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,251 asking her out on a date once we get to Philly. 120 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,993 Smart move-- weird and embarrassing. 121 00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,125 Pass this up to Milk Girl. 122 00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:01,823 I can't believe I get to watch this. 123 00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,041 Believe it, honey. 124 00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:04,869 That's a ghost pepper. 125 00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:08,438 AAAAHHHH! 126 00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:11,354 Help! Somebody help me! 127 00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,486 [inhaler hisses] 128 00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,139 [gasping] 129 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,098 [retching] 130 00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:18,230 [Steve retching] 131 00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:20,798 Hi, Steve! How's it going back there? 132 00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:22,713 I need a drink! Please! AAAHHH! 133 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,672 Heh! Nice try, kid! 134 00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:26,500 You're an amazing chaperone. 135 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,110 [panting] 136 00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,374 Ugh! Ahh... 137 00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:34,029 Hunh! 138 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,603 Well, my life is over. 139 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,387 So, she got your note. 140 00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,520 She says... yes. 141 00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:49,784 ♪ Love conquers all!♪ 142 00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:52,787 We've never actually met Milk Girl, 143 00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:55,703 but we've adjusted our wills to include her. 144 00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,793 PRODUCER: Oh, we were hoping you could tell us how you two met. 145 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:01,404 Us? He picked me up on the side of the road. 146 00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:04,015 Anyway, back to Milk Girl. 147 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,495 She's a tenth grader... 148 00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:07,367 BOTH: Drinks a [bleep] ton of milk. 149 00:06:11,283 --> 00:06:13,198 ROGER:♪ Bada BA♪ 150 00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:19,901 ♪ Bada BA♪ 151 00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:21,337 God, I love Philly! 152 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,644 Philly is the Paris of America. 153 00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:25,297 Yo! Wha kinda steak dja'get? 154 00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:26,864 Wiz wit plus peetzer? 155 00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:29,127 Mm. Ye lookit dem jawns. 156 00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:33,044 ROGER: Mm, the food, the language, just gorgeous. 157 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:36,047 I can't believe people wonder why I do this. 158 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:40,443 ♪ Bada BA♪ 159 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,837 ♪ Bada BA...♪ 160 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,665 Thanks for meeting me. 161 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:47,842 The janitor told me this spot had the most romantic view 162 00:06:47,885 --> 00:06:50,061 of the Holiday Inn across the street. 163 00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:53,935 Got milk? Heh. Why, yes, I have. 164 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,765 So, I've been watching you, not in a creepy way, 165 00:06:57,808 --> 00:07:02,465 and I know I don't "know" you, but I feel like I do, 166 00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:05,599 and I hope you won't mind me saying so, but... 167 00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,035 I love you. 168 00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:10,212 Oh, my God, Steve. Of course you do. 169 00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:13,258 And you do know me. And you do love me. 170 00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,869 Because... 171 00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:16,697 I'm Reese Witherspoon. 172 00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,002 What? 173 00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,656 This is so great! 174 00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,310 - It is? - Yes! 175 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:23,704 I had to go undercover as a high-school student 176 00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:26,794 to prove to the studio I could still play a 17-year-old. 177 00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,839 They said if a boy asks me on a date 178 00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:32,016 and says he's in love with me, they would make the movie! 179 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,192 So thank you, Steve. 180 00:07:34,236 --> 00:07:37,282 You single-handedly greenlit ELECTION 2: Omaha Drift. 181 00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:39,284 Wait. Do you even like milk? 182 00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:40,895 I hate milk. 183 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,679 I'm just a really good actress. 184 00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,074 Oh, my God! 185 00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:52,080 REESE: I also do my own stuuunts! 186 00:07:52,863 --> 00:07:54,778 How did I meet babe? 187 00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:57,738 Well, actually it's a great story. 188 00:07:59,130 --> 00:08:00,958 How did we meet, babe? 189 00:08:01,002 --> 00:08:03,526 You don't remember how we met?! 190 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,397 Okay. Here's how we met. 191 00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,924 Did we meet at a Braves Game? 192 00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:13,362 Who are these people? 193 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,539 [horn honks] 194 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,629 And then Reese Witherspoon just jumped off the roof. 195 00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:22,110 This is crazy! 196 00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,068 Have you seen these?! 197 00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,766 What even are these? 198 00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:28,290 You grab one, you get like 30. 199 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,075 Philadelphia is full of wonders. 200 00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:33,556 [cellphone buzzing] 201 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,863 Oh, my God. My parents keep calling me. 202 00:08:35,906 --> 00:08:37,255 What am I gonna tell them? 203 00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:39,170 I went to Philly and didn't fall in love? 204 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,566 I think that girl in the fur coat threw something at you. 205 00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,742 [giggling] 206 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,789 Hey! You! What are you throwing?! 207 00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:51,052 - Eggs. - There's eggs?! 208 00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:54,359 Okay. This I gotta see. 209 00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,536 Sorry. I was just, like, 210 00:08:56,579 --> 00:08:58,407 trying to hit you in the face with all those eggs. 211 00:08:58,450 --> 00:08:59,974 That's not an apology. 212 00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,279 PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Everyone shut up! 213 00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,239 Marty is missing! So is the bus. 214 00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:06,633 Here is a napkin with some places I think we were at. 215 00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:09,374 Pass it around, take a photo, commit it to memory, 216 00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,202 w-whatever you have to do. 217 00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:14,423 Here's the plan-- buddy system. That's all I got. 218 00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:16,033 Whoever you are standing next to 219 00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,208 is your partner for the rest of the trip. 220 00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:22,083 Do not separate. Do not lose each other. 221 00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:24,520 I'm still rolling my face off. 222 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,130 It goes without saying that everything 223 00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,915 we were supposed to do is cancelled. 224 00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:30,091 I don't want to hear that you guys were at the Liberty Bell 225 00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:32,310 or Betsy Ross' house or some shit. 226 00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:35,444 You have one objective-- find my friend! 227 00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:37,620 Whoever finds Marty gets an "A," 228 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,318 and whoever doesn't find him gets an "F"! 229 00:09:40,362 --> 00:09:42,669 Move, move, move, move, move! 230 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,672 [brakes squeal] 231 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,848 I don't even know where Reese Witherspoon 232 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,501 was hiding the parachute. 233 00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:52,635 So you're, like, dramatic, huh? 234 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,333 - That's your thing? - That's your takeaway? 235 00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,161 Don't you think my story's insane?! 236 00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:58,989 I once saw Gwyneth Paltrow sunbathing naked 237 00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,861 on top of a moving car. 238 00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,732 Actresses are cool. 239 00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,168 Can I tell you what your problem is? 240 00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,822 That'd be perfect. Why don't you? 241 00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:08,303 You have high expectations and you think things matter. 242 00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:10,174 But nothing matters. 243 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,960 "Nothing matters." Will you listen to yourself? 244 00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,137 If we don't find Lewis' friend, we'll get F's in the class. 245 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,878 That doesn't matter to you? 246 00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,444 Now you're getting it. 247 00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:22,143 - [squishing] - Oh, no! Gum! 248 00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:25,146 There's gum on me! Who would do this?! 249 00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:29,237 This is what I mean when I say you're dramatic. 250 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,847 I really thought I was in love, 251 00:10:30,891 --> 00:10:33,154 but she was never even an option. 252 00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:35,983 Are you right? Is love not real? 253 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:39,073 It's good you found out now. Some people never learn. 254 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,031 Oh, man. 255 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,990 How are we gonna find Marty? 256 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,732 I'm a heartbroken child in a strange land! 257 00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,951 Calm down, Dame Judi Dench. 258 00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,737 My family moved to Langley last year, but I'm from Philly. 259 00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:54,566 This is my town. Hand me that napkin. 260 00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,439 Oh, cool. My dad's favorite strip club is on here. 261 00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:59,180 [indistinct conversations] 262 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,227 - Hi. Hello. - Yao. What can I get you? 263 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,665 Um, I'm hoping you could help me. 264 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,710 Ye, ye, aright. Wit or wit-out? 265 00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:11,061 I, uh-- I'm sorry. I don't speak the language. 266 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:15,718 I'm looking for a large drunk gentleman! 267 00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,199 Okay. Ye need to get yaself sorted and stop yellin' at me. 268 00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,592 I'm so sorry. It's just that... 269 00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:24,988 I don't have a chaperone or a partner or a bus. 270 00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,730 [sniffles] And I don't know anything! 271 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,298 And I'm all alone! [sobbing] 272 00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:32,692 Oh, oh. Don't cry, dude. I'll help ya. 273 00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:34,955 Lou! I'm taking the rest of the day off! 274 00:11:34,998 --> 00:11:38,436 Anne Marie, I swear to Christ if you do this again you're fired! 275 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,699 What did you say ta me? 276 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:40,917 [grunting] 277 00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:42,440 ♪ Ahh♪ 278 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,312 [grunting] 279 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:47,054 ♪ Now I don't hardly know her♪ 280 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:50,971 [Lou grunting and screaming] 281 00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:54,583 ♪ But I think I could love her♪ 282 00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,541 [needle buzzing] 283 00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,849 He's used the same needle for the last five people. 284 00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,069 It's fine. We're sisters. 285 00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:03,766 So, the guy you're lookin' for 286 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,942 got his belly button pierced around 2:00 a.m. 287 00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,944 And then he drank a bunch of ink and ran out. 288 00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,380 Cool. 289 00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:10,947 [needle buzzing] 290 00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:13,080 Does your chest tattoo say "[Bleep] Dallas"? 291 00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,909 Yeah. Cowboys can suck my [bleep] 292 00:12:16,692 --> 00:12:18,389 [clang] 293 00:12:18,433 --> 00:12:19,956 So, when are we gonna 294 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,219 start looking for my principal's friend? 295 00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:24,091 Yo, snot, whaddaya think happens when you die? 296 00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,658 - I don't know. - Well, I do. 297 00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,660 My uncle Jimmy fell off the 700 level 298 00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,880 at the old Veterans Stadium trying to reach a foul ball. 299 00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:32,534 He was legally dead for four minutes. 300 00:12:32,577 --> 00:12:33,796 [clang] 301 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,102 You know he got that ball, though. 302 00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,669 Anyways, he says what happens when you die 303 00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,628 is you sit in a room waiting for God 304 00:12:39,671 --> 00:12:42,196 to tell you if you were a big enough Phillies fan. 305 00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:45,460 Ohh. I didn't know that. 306 00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,244 I feel like I could tell you anything, Snotter. 307 00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,116 I'm really glad you're my boyfriend. 308 00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:51,248 - I am?! - Uh, you bet your tits you are. 309 00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:53,076 [gasps] 310 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,558 [siren wailing] 311 00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,473 We've been almost everywhere on the list 312 00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:00,127 and have no useful information. 313 00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,563 Here's what we do know-- 314 00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,304 you're obsessed with the little napkin. 315 00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,219 I am not obsessed with the napkin. 316 00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,831 You're in a strip club, and you haven't taken your eyes off it. 317 00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,616 These women are off-duty. They deserve their privacy. 318 00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:12,835 So, they were here around midnight, 319 00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,315 but got kicked out pretty fast. 320 00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:15,925 I guess they kept trying to pay for drinks 321 00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,840 with a fake credit card? 322 00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:21,191 It wasn't even a credit card. It was a sticker of a cat. 323 00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,411 They wanted to donate plasma? 324 00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,805 No, they came in looking to get plasma. 325 00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:28,372 They were very clear about not wanting to donate any. 326 00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,461 They did, however, want to donate sperm. 327 00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,550 Not something we do here, but before I could answer, 328 00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:35,075 one of them had relations with our mail chute. 329 00:13:36,772 --> 00:13:39,688 This is so stupid! We're never gonna find this guy! 330 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,646 Aah! 331 00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:45,259 Aah! Unh! I give up. 332 00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:48,001 I know a great place to eat close by. 333 00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:51,352 It's not on the napkin, though, so you probably don't wanna go. 334 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:54,355 Screw the napkin. Nothing matters. 335 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,400 Hey, can you give me a ride to New York City? 336 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:58,011 Or Washington, D.C.? 337 00:13:58,054 --> 00:14:00,709 Or maybe we could go skiing in the Poconos! 338 00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:04,582 Philadelphia-- three hours away from a lot of great stuff. 339 00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:05,888 [ding!] 340 00:14:07,063 --> 00:14:08,673 This place is the best. 341 00:14:08,717 --> 00:14:10,501 I used to come here all the time with my friend. 342 00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,895 It's probably the spiciest restaurant in Philly. 343 00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,331 Can you handle it? 344 00:14:14,375 --> 00:14:16,333 I'm a new man. Bring it on. 345 00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:19,032 Speaking of spicy, check them out. 346 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,990 [both moaning] 347 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:22,252 Oh, my God. 348 00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:23,906 [moaning stops] 349 00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,214 Whoa. Hey, Ali. What are you doing in town, bud? 350 00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:29,869 Umm... we...uh... 351 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,261 We're on a field trip. 352 00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:33,437 Oh, man. That sounds lame. 353 00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,787 What up? I'm Darix, and this is Royce. 354 00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,615 I'm his girlfriend! 355 00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:39,791 We just said "I love you" for the first time! 356 00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,271 [both moaning] 357 00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:44,927 See, Ali? Love is real. [slurping] 358 00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,756 We're celebrating at our fave spicy restaurant. 359 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,932 We love spicy stuff. 360 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,239 Well, have a good... field trip. 361 00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,286 They seem fun. How do you know Darix? 362 00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:59,072 He's... my ex-boyfriend. 363 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:01,378 Well, not "boyfriend" because he-- 364 00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:05,774 We don't believe in labels. Or love. 365 00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,080 Do you want to leave? 366 00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,820 We can't just leave. 367 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:12,259 It will look like I'm upset. And I'm not. [chuckles] 368 00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:14,957 [voice breaking] I'm actually really happy for him. 369 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:17,394 ♪ 370 00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:19,396 Steve, don't! That's a Carolina Reaper! 371 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,963 [crunch, flames rush] 372 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:23,923 STEVE: AAAAAAHHH! 373 00:15:23,966 --> 00:15:26,403 [vomits] Ow! Ow! 374 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,492 I'll have what he's heaving. 375 00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:33,497 Hey. I know you ate that pepper for me. 376 00:15:33,541 --> 00:15:35,717 You think I liquefied my insides 377 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:37,501 just to get you out of that restaurant? 378 00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:38,894 No way. 379 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,461 That hospital was on the napkin, 380 00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,463 and I'm obsessed with the napkin, so... 381 00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,204 I'm sorry you had to throw up and have diarrhea 382 00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:45,945 all over the place. 383 00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:48,686 I prefer to think of it as throwing up and throwing down. 384 00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:51,733 [laughs] Take my coat. You must be freezing. 385 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,301 No way. I love this dress. It's nice on me. 386 00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:57,130 Don't be an idiot. Take it. 387 00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:02,744 ♪ 388 00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,965 ♪ Crimson and clover♪ 389 00:16:06,008 --> 00:16:09,490 ♪ 390 00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:12,493 ♪ Over and over♪ 391 00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:14,016 ♪ 392 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:17,672 My queen, why are we hot-wiring a cop car? 393 00:16:17,715 --> 00:16:19,500 Because we ain't got the keys, ya dope! 394 00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,806 [engine starts, siren wails] 395 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,852 [tires screech] 396 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,682 I saw this raisin in 2007 in the lobby 397 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:29,901 of the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago. 398 00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:31,816 It was just sitting there on the floor. 399 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,907 And I thought it was a bug. But, no, it was a raisin! 400 00:16:35,951 --> 00:16:38,040 And now it's my raisin. 401 00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,697 Guys, I'm sorry I didn't call back sooner. 402 00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:44,873 It's been a really wild 24 hours. 403 00:16:44,916 --> 00:16:48,007 Why are we still talking to you?! Put Milk Girl on! 404 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,792 Actually I have some bad news about Milk Girl. 405 00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,054 You're scaring us, Steve! 406 00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:54,274 She's gone. She was-- 407 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,145 What the hell do you mean "gone"?! 408 00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,017 How could you let this happen, Steven?! 409 00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:58,843 - She was-- - We were gonna 410 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,802 invite her to Christmas! 411 00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,804 We made a jacket for her that says 412 00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,763 "Milk Girl is in Our Family Now"! 413 00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:08,288 Sorry? I-I didn't ask you to do that. 414 00:17:08,331 --> 00:17:12,727 Dad drained our pool and filled it with milk! 415 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:16,209 What are we supposed to do with a pool full of milk, Steve?! 416 00:17:16,252 --> 00:17:18,820 - [Stan sobbing] - Umm, guys, I got really high 417 00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:22,302 and I accidentally ordered a truck full of cereal, 418 00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:25,305 and it just got here, and I don't know what to do. 419 00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:29,048 I tried to eat it, but it's just so dry! 420 00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:33,313 Steve, it looks like everything just might work out after all! 421 00:17:33,356 --> 00:17:34,575 Get the giant spoon, honey! 422 00:17:34,618 --> 00:17:36,490 I'm workin' on it. 423 00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,187 [knock on door] 424 00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,843 - I couldn't sleep. - I couldn't either. 425 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:44,063 I just can't stop thinking about that kiss. 426 00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:46,630 Me neither! It was absolutely-- 427 00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:48,458 A mistake, right? I mean, that's not us. 428 00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:50,634 That's not who we are. It obviously didn't mean anything. 429 00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,549 So I think we should just forget it. 430 00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,899 Plus, it was unprofessional. You agree. 431 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,294 - [pounding] - Everyone wake up! 432 00:17:58,338 --> 00:18:01,123 Where is Marty?! What the hell, guys?! 433 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,126 If you don't find him by 9:00 a.m., you're all expelled! 434 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,128 And I'll also kill you. 435 00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,738 I'll start killing one of you 436 00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:10,263 every five minutes until he is found. 437 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,658 Starting... now. 438 00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,661 I was just sneakin' to my cousin's room! 439 00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:19,881 ♪ 440 00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,013 - [siren wailing] - I freakin' love you! 441 00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,668 I freakin' love you, too! 442 00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:28,237 ♪ 443 00:18:28,281 --> 00:18:29,673 I guess you've never heard of Tasty Cakes, 444 00:18:29,717 --> 00:18:31,762 or you would have thought that was really funny. 445 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,723 Steve, it seems like you're trying to be really quiet. 446 00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:37,246 [shakily] I'm not trying. I'm just... 447 00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:43,122 ROGER:♪ Bada BA♪ 448 00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,124 - [Steve wailing] -♪ Bada BA♪ 449 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,951 Oh, look. Steve's running and crying. 450 00:18:46,995 --> 00:18:49,215 ♪ BaNaNa NaNaNa♪ 451 00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,260 ♪ BaNaNa Na-Na Na-Na♪ 452 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,044 ♪ Ba-Baaaaa!♪ 453 00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,220 [tires screech] 454 00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:57,353 Steve! Oh, my God! 455 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,876 I'm in love! 456 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,139 That's great, man. 457 00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:02,967 Don't worry, buddy. We're calling for backup! 458 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:06,188 Dispatch, we got a kid smooshed between two vehicles. 459 00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,321 He looks more jacked up than the Phillie Phanatic tattoo 460 00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,192 my cousin Donovan gave me under the bleachers 461 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,802 at the Mummers Parade. Over. 462 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:14,457 - Steve! Are you okay?! - Not really. 463 00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:17,286 I knew it! You were being really quiet before. 464 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,115 Well, now I'm hurt more than before, like, physically, 465 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,031 but I was hurt emotionally first. 466 00:19:23,074 --> 00:19:25,860 When someone tells me a kiss we had was a mistake, 467 00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:28,210 it-- it bums me out. 468 00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:30,778 You're one of the kids I met a couple days ago! 469 00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:33,172 And I know what you're thinking, but I'm not being dramatic, 470 00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:34,999 I'm just being real. 471 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,479 You say you don't have any feelings at all 472 00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:39,134 and that nothing matters, but it's an act! 473 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,919 You're the Dame Judi Dench, not me. 474 00:19:41,963 --> 00:19:44,792 I like you. I know that's not a cool thing to say, 475 00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,446 but I'm not a cool guy. 476 00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,839 And if you don't like me back, I can take it. 477 00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,885 But you have to tell me how you feel. 478 00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,103 [doors close] 479 00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:53,975 Steve, let's talk about this later. 480 00:19:54,018 --> 00:19:56,282 No! Nobody touch me! 481 00:19:56,325 --> 00:19:57,500 I'm not going to the hospital 482 00:19:57,544 --> 00:20:00,503 until you tell me how you feel about me. 483 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:01,765 Fine. I like you. 484 00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:05,900 Marty! He's back! Ha ha ha! 485 00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,119 You thought he was dead! 486 00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,948 Crying in your room all night. Ha ha! 487 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,734 I think everyone learned a valuable lesson-- 488 00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:17,041 Marty always comes through! 489 00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,783 When we first met, we hated each other. 490 00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:21,742 I didn't hate you. I just thought you were a dork. 491 00:20:21,785 --> 00:20:23,918 And then Milk Girl was Reese Witherspoon, 492 00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:25,180 and we became friends. 493 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,703 And we're still just friends. 494 00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,662 I know you like me. You said it. 495 00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,446 - I'm not sure I ever said that. - She said it. 496 00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:32,318 You were smooshed between a bus and a car. 497 00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,754 I was, I was. 498 00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,756 You were refusing medical attention. 499 00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:37,758 Yes, yes, that too. 500 00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:41,196 Anyway, she's a tenth grader, and I'm still in ninth grade, 501 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,851 so I'm not allowed to make eye contact with her in school, 502 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:47,550 but in a couple of years, we'll both be upperclassmen, 503 00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:50,292 so we'll see how it plays out. 504 00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,120 Yeah. I guess we'll see. 505 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:53,687 ♪ Ahh♪ 506 00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:56,516 ♪ 507 00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:58,082 Bye-bye! See you soon!