1
00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:03,668
♪♪
2
00:00:03,670 --> 00:00:06,004
I'm thinking about
using the bathroom.
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,073
Go for it.
It's a no-brainer!
4
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,943
Wow, this one's
brand-new.
5
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:14,212
Hold my purse.
I'm gonna christen this puppy.
6
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,149
Get it, girl!
Drop one on 'em, Mama!
7
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:19,484
Whoa, whoa!
8
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:22,687
The boys forgot
to chain this up.
9
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,023
They know my mom's
visiting next week.
10
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,693
Dammit, she deserves
a fresh one!
11
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,297
You journaling
right now, Steve?
12
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,099
I'm working on an essay
about my dad
13
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:35,834
for a contest
in English class.
14
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:39,571
I'm focusing on Stan Smith
the softball star.
15
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:40,973
Love that.
16
00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:42,040
You have a title yet?
17
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,908
I'm thinking...
18
00:00:43,910 --> 00:00:45,510
"My Dad."
19
00:00:45,512 --> 00:00:47,445
Wow.
20
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:49,848
I'm pretty sure
I love that.
21
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:53,451
Just look at him, Klaus --
totally in his element.
22
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:55,988
Yeah, I don't like chicken
in my pasta, either.
23
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:57,389
Switch it up.
24
00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,192
The picture of a ballplayer.
25
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:03,728
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's friggin' go.
26
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:08,867
♪♪
27
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:11,003
Time, blue.
28
00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:13,472
[ Bat hits ball ]
29
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,207
Stay down on that ball!
30
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,542
Hey, it's okay,
short memory, right?
31
00:01:17,544 --> 00:01:19,678
But don't [bleep] up
like that again.
32
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,614
♪♪
33
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:23,682
Safe!
34
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,150
[ All cheering ]
35
00:01:26,152 --> 00:01:27,752
It's only
the second inning.
36
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:28,687
Not for us.
37
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,288
Yes, it is!
38
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:33,025
♪♪
39
00:01:33,027 --> 00:01:35,760
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
40
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:39,431
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
41
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:42,100
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
42
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:46,271
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
43
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:51,976
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
44
00:01:51,978 --> 00:01:54,646
♪ Good -- ♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
45
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,581
Aah!
46
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,052
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
47
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:03,055
Steve: Webster's dictionary
defines "hero"
48
00:02:03,057 --> 00:02:06,859
as a mythological figure
of great strength or ability.
49
00:02:06,861 --> 00:02:10,529
I define hero as my dad...
"...I define hero as my dad.
50
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,931
My dad is strong.
My dad is good.
51
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,667
My dad could hit a ball
very far.
52
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:19,003
If my dad raced your dad,
he'd win.
53
00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:20,605
Because he's a winner.
54
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:24,276
Because he's my dad."
55
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:25,343
Steve...
56
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:26,879
Yes, Dad?
57
00:02:26,881 --> 00:02:29,414
This essay is so bad.
58
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,750
It's robotic, zero artistry,
59
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,752
"maudlin drivel"
comes to mind.
60
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:34,953
What a dick.
61
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:37,489
I wanna know more
about Stan the man.
62
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,491
The guy behind the uniform.
63
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,825
I'll tell you what!
64
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,095
Why don't you shadow me
at the CIA?
65
00:02:43,097 --> 00:02:45,097
Really? Wow, thanks!
66
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,765
Hey. Don't push it.
67
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,836
Oh, my God. I can't believe Dad!
What a jerk!
68
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,038
He just has
high standards...
69
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,174
Can I see your essay?
70
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,443
Whoa...
aren't you a little old
71
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:00,245
to worship Dad like this?
72
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,647
[ Scoffs ]
I don't worship Dad...
73
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:06,518
You just think if he
"fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
74
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,654
he would win" --
Prove he wouldn't!
75
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,256
[ Knocking on plastic ]
76
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:12,558
Francine:
[ Muffled ] Hello?
77
00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:16,194
This is how it ends?!
78
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,530
I'm gonna die in a Porta John?!
79
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,798
[ Plastic crunches ]
80
00:03:26,941 --> 00:03:29,775
[ Muffled ] Wow, this thing's
light as [bleep]
81
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:34,580
♪♪
82
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,448
There's my little
daddy's boy!
83
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,783
Ready to hand in
that essay?
84
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,118
Mr. Fritz,
I need an extension.
85
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,653
Extension?!
86
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,922
But I read the last draft
with the Tyrannosaurus Rex,
87
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,791
it was terrific...
What happened?
88
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,793
My dad thinks
it needs work.
89
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,662
Look, Steve, I started an essay
contest about dads
90
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,864
because I love
and admire dads.
91
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,332
But dads aren't always right.
92
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,533
Most of the time, yes.
93
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:58,069
99.9% of the time
they're 100% right.
94
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,072
But in this case,
a dad is wrong.
95
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,941
Your essay is perfection.
Just hand it in!
96
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:06,878
I can't hand in an essay about
my dad that my dad doesn't like!
97
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,814
[ Sighs ]
98
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,216
I don't like
an unhappy dad...
99
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,551
I'll give you
two more days.
100
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:14,686
But that's it.
101
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,355
Thank you,
you won't regret it.
102
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:19,425
I hope you're right.
103
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:22,360
What, Billy, what do you want.
104
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,430
I just wanted to say hi.
105
00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,964
Hi.
106
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,166
♪♪
107
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,502
For lunch I like the tuna
from Rocky's
108
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:32,704
but the macaroni salad
from Sub's Galore.
109
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,105
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow -- slow down.
110
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,240
Why am I here again?
111
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,309
'Cause Dad won't drive me
to school afterwards.
112
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:40,378
Dad, could we circle back
to softball for a sec?
113
00:04:40,380 --> 00:04:41,647
What's your
batting average?
114
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:43,449
Eh, not much of a stats guy,
115
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:44,850
more of a W's guy.
116
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,118
Steve, check it out.
This is a thing I do
117
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,587
that everyone loves.
118
00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:51,122
People love that?
119
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,258
I-- I think so...
120
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:54,792
Hey, you guys love
121
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,528
when I throw Dick's lunch
in the trash, right?
122
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,396
That's your hero, Steve?
123
00:04:58,398 --> 00:05:00,198
Why does it bother you
so much?
124
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,599
It doesn't bother me,
125
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,401
I'm just trying to help you
grow up, gawd!
126
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,003
I'll be in the car.
127
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,404
Four people
said they love it,
128
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:08,607
five said
they really love it.
129
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,478
Shadowy figure:
You're right about Stan--
130
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:13,545
Aah!
131
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,280
Dick?
I'm not Dick.
132
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,348
Who are you?
133
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:18,216
Call me "Deep Dick."
134
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,084
Why are you in my car?
135
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,618
Because you're right.
136
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,620
Stan's no hero.
137
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,090
This star softball player
routine?
138
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,291
A big lie.
139
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,026
He sucks [bleep]
140
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,561
But he's
got everyone fooled!
141
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,897
And I want him exposed.
142
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,699
He's been on the team
10 years,
143
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,567
how could he fool
everyone for so long?
144
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,634
Tricks!
145
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,904
[ Car door opens ]
146
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,706
What's Dick doing here?
Shadowy figure: Deep Dick.
147
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,240
He says
Dad's bad at softball.
148
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,576
He's probably pissed
he threw his lunch in the trash.
149
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:47,245
Again?!
Look, don't take my word for it.
150
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,781
Go to the file room.
Check the softball records.
151
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,717
Grrreat!
I welcome the chance
152
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,651
to slurp up
that delicious evidence
153
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:55,921
that Dad is
all he says he is.
154
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,656
You'll need to pass
a retina scan to get in.
155
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,193
Are those...
loose eyeballs?
156
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:05,597
Mmm...I hate
to part with a green one.
157
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,333
Jackson?! Jackson?!
158
00:06:07,335 --> 00:06:08,534
Guess again.
159
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,936
Whoaaaaa. Whoaaaaa.
160
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,140
♪♪
161
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,808
Man, it's been hours.
162
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:17,876
You find anything yet?
163
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,078
Team rosters, game logs,
164
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,215
a recording of Bullock singing
John Fogerty's "Centerfield."
165
00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,016
I'd like to hear that.
What I didn't find
166
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,553
is any actual
statistics on Dad.
167
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:28,954
Dad was in the lineup.
168
00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:32,090
Why does it say zero for zero
for his at-bats?
169
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,892
Maybe they walked him
every time.
170
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,761
Pitchers fear
his mighty bat.
171
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,096
He also had zero plays
in the field?
172
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,098
Hitters fear
his mighty glove.
173
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,900
Again zero...
174
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,902
Every game.
175
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,038
Zero, zero.
176
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,374
It's like he's
not even participating.
177
00:06:48,376 --> 00:06:49,641
He's... he's...
178
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,109
He's avoiding the ball,
179
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,377
ya damn fools!
180
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:53,579
Your dad's a fraud!
181
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:56,382
Open your eyes, my God!
182
00:06:56,384 --> 00:06:58,850
Sorry I lost my temper.
183
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:03,088
It's just I recently found out
that I'm a janitor.
184
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,059
Dad's a fraud.
185
00:07:07,061 --> 00:07:09,061
He literally avoided
the ball for 10 years!
186
00:07:09,063 --> 00:07:11,196
None of these documents
prove that.
187
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:14,399
You're making assumptions
based on mere pieces of paper!
188
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:17,202
Ephemera!
Oh, come on, man! Wake up!
189
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,871
I'm tired of you
whispering poison in his ear!
190
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,273
He needs to see the truth!
191
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,874
I don't give a damn
about the truth!
192
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,543
Just print the legend!!
193
00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:28,346
Steve, you got
a gold star essay here,
194
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,081
why are you digging?!
195
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,284
Because a deranged lunatic
has an axe to grind?
196
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:35,220
She's probably an old flame
looking for vengeance!
197
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,754
She's my sister.
198
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,023
My-- my dad's daughter--
199
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,091
Let's review the facts.
200
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,428
Your dad is big. Your dad is
strong. Your dad could hit a
ball very far.
201
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:45,030
He can carry a Redwood tree,
karate-chop a python in half
202
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,165
and he makes giant pancakes
like Uncle Buck.
203
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,435
These are the things we know,
204
00:07:49,437 --> 00:07:52,104
these are the things
that ground us!
205
00:07:52,106 --> 00:07:54,306
I still think
he's all those things.
206
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,775
I just need time to prove it.
207
00:07:57,777 --> 00:07:59,912
Two more days.
208
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,783
Get outta here! Get!
Myha!
209
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:07,118
Trust me, Hayley.
210
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,855
Once you watch Dad play,
you'll see you were wrong.
211
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,590
♪♪
212
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:14,392
Lefty! Switch!
213
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:18,730
♪♪
214
00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:20,532
Okay, what was that?
215
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,800
An out?
216
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,535
♪♪
217
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,270
Jackson, yours!
218
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,072
♪♪
219
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,475
Hey, you gotta
call those out, Jackson.
220
00:08:29,477 --> 00:08:30,942
Communication.
221
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,811
Come on,
that was so obvious.
222
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:36,148
[ Scoffs ]
Obvious Dad's not a ball hog?
223
00:08:36,150 --> 00:08:38,484
♪♪
224
00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:40,085
Looked like a snake.
225
00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:42,221
Okay, let's just
talk to him.
226
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:47,759
So Hayley has
this crazy idea
227
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,961
that you have no stats
228
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:52,030
because you've been avoiding
the ball for a decade
229
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,165
because you suck at softball.
230
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:55,433
That's an
interesting theory.
231
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,502
"Theory"?
232
00:08:56,504 --> 00:08:57,903
50 games.
233
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:01,039
No hits, no put-outs.
Nada.
234
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,241
Go ahead, check.
I believe you.
235
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,911
So you admit it?
Admit our statistician --
236
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:08,646
Dick's mom --
has an axe to grind? Sure.
237
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:11,917
Dick! Of course.
See, Hayley, I told you.
238
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,919
I told her, Dad.
We watched you play.
239
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,587
You spent the whole game
avoiding the ball.
240
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:18,456
And you did take yourself out
in the last inning
241
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:19,991
when the score
was tied...
242
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:23,261
Because I shit my pants
from those fish tacos!
243
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,130
Has she gotten to you, Steve?
244
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,732
Just prove her wrong, Dad!
245
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,867
Play a whole game
at second base.
246
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,802
No tricks.
247
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,137
Come to today's game.
248
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:34,272
Should we ride together?
Let's caravan it.
249
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,475
I gotta listen to Gwar
at max volume to get hyped.
250
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,746
♪♪
251
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:41,880
[ Whistles ]
252
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,681
Dad's lookin'
real confident.
253
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,217
Yeah, he does.
254
00:09:45,219 --> 00:09:48,486
Announcer: Now batting,
Demetrius Mongoni.
255
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:52,090
A damn fine hitter
and my brother-in-law.
256
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,625
Easy out, guys!
257
00:09:54,562 --> 00:09:57,429
Stan: [ Thinking ] No-no-no-no-
no-please-God-no-Mommy-no-
258
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,897
I'm-scared-
I-don't-want-the-ball-
259
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,899
nooooooooooo!
260
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:03,769
♪♪
261
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,905
Nooooooooooo!
262
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,575
[ Heartbeat ]
263
00:10:09,577 --> 00:10:16,181
♪♪
264
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,884
[ Groans ]
Pick up the ball, Smith!
265
00:10:20,254 --> 00:10:21,920
Stan:
Where is it, where is it?!
266
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:25,390
♪♪
267
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:27,993
Announcer:
Uh-oh, he's in a full-on panic!
268
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:30,128
He's fishing around
in his jock!
269
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,930
[ Laughter ]
270
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,999
Why is this happening to me?
271
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,867
Oh, I got it!
I got the ball!
272
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:37,603
A pine cone?
273
00:10:37,605 --> 00:10:40,872
And it looks like it belongs
to fan favorite Ricky Raccoon,
274
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:44,209
the unofficial mascot of
the left-field bleacher bums.
275
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,411
[ Screaming ]
[ Raccoon snarling ]
276
00:10:45,413 --> 00:10:47,613
[ Crowd gasps ]
277
00:10:47,615 --> 00:10:51,683
[ Muffled ] Hello?
A little help here?
278
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:55,153
We got a straggler.
Yee-haw!
279
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,955
[ Tires screech ]
280
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,424
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not you!
281
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,359
Ooh, look at that!
We got a runner!
282
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,228
Yee-haw!
283
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,899
Aaaaah!
Soooey!
284
00:11:14,442 --> 00:11:16,708
Sir, I'm so sorry
about the game.
285
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,777
I just don't get why
that raccoon was so butt hurt
286
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:20,778
about his pine cone.
287
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,380
A mystery indeed.
288
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,582
The important thing is
I want you to know
289
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:27,719
there's still a place
for you at the CIA.
290
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,121
Thank you, sir.
291
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,322
[ Urinating ]
292
00:11:30,324 --> 00:11:33,325
Ahhhhhhh.
293
00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:36,061
You're welcome, piss boy.
294
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:38,664
Goodbye, martinis!
295
00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:41,033
[ Laughing ]
296
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,338
Hey, kiddo.
297
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:48,974
Want to toss
the ol' pill around?
298
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,611
I got to go
meet my friends.
299
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:01,819
"The man I admired
didn't really exist.
300
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:07,825
He was a phantom, a figment,
the product of a con man."
301
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:09,761
[ Crying ]
302
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,763
"I realized my Paul Bunyan
303
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,967
was actually
my Paul [Crying] Bla-a-a-rt!"
304
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,604
[ Sobs ]
Steve? Hello?
305
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:25,411
Myeehhh!
306
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,982
I owe you an apology, Dad.
307
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,719
Stan's gone.
It's all in the note.
308
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:37,455
"You're better off without me.
309
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,257
Don't try to find me.
310
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,592
I'm a broken man.
311
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:43,529
I've gone to the place
all broken men go."
312
00:12:43,531 --> 00:12:44,930
Where's that?
313
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,198
Beats me.
314
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,999
Hey, have you seen
your mom lately?
315
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:50,602
Aaaaaah!
[ Giggling ]
316
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:52,037
Sooey!
317
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:57,575
♪♪
318
00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,645
Dad left!
We have to find him!
319
00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:01,447
Pass.
Pass?
320
00:13:01,449 --> 00:13:03,915
Steve, he's your dad.
Are you drinking beer?
321
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:07,319
It's actually nonalcoholic,
but I've had 30 of them.
322
00:13:07,321 --> 00:13:09,988
Ask me why. Dad!
He's a fraud.
323
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,323
Who's a frog?
Kermit?
324
00:13:11,325 --> 00:13:13,325
Dad.
He left.
325
00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:16,061
Said he went to the place
all broken men go.
326
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,129
Orlando?
What?
327
00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:19,465
The place broken men go.
Orlando.
328
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:22,200
So are you going? I'd go.
Let's go!
329
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:24,602
♪ Orlando-o-o ♪
330
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,840
♪ We're gonna
make it happen ♪
331
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:31,643
Stan: Hey!
332
00:13:33,747 --> 00:13:35,747
Every day.
333
00:13:35,749 --> 00:13:41,753
♪♪
334
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:47,425
♪♪
335
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,894
Get him, Stan!
336
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:51,229
I just
want to sell my drugs!
337
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,565
I saw an iguana
use my toilet!
338
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,966
I can give you
a free soda.
339
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,369
[ Door opens ]
Didn't I say Orlando?
340
00:13:57,371 --> 00:13:59,237
First place
we checked too.
341
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,572
We're here to bring you home,
Dad.
342
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:03,975
Your family needs you.
Your son needs you.
343
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,110
He's not the same.
344
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:07,445
Well, he lost
an incredible hero.
345
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,715
Now I'm a laughingstock,
a pariah.
346
00:14:09,717 --> 00:14:11,449
I could never
make that up to him.
347
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,985
You could try.
I could help you.
348
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,387
Are you thinking gifts?
349
00:14:15,389 --> 00:14:17,589
Like a platinum ID bracelet
or toe ring?
350
00:14:17,591 --> 00:14:19,457
I was thinking more
we practice softball
351
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,393
so you could redeem yourself
in a game.
352
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:23,395
Become the hero
he always thought you were.
353
00:14:23,397 --> 00:14:26,398
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No.
354
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,067
The truth is...
I'm afraid of the ball.
355
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,402
Yeah, no shit.
356
00:14:30,404 --> 00:14:33,471
As a boy, I witnessed
something terrible.
357
00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,073
It traumatized me.
358
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:38,277
WOMAN: That's what the iguana
did to me!
359
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,479
Pop-ups.
360
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,349
People will tell you
to use two hands,
361
00:14:43,351 --> 00:14:45,016
but I'm a confident guy.
362
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,720
I use one.
Check it out.
363
00:14:53,427 --> 00:14:55,260
[ Children gasp ]
364
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,899
There must've been something
else going on with his face.
365
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:04,436
Anyway, the point is,
I'm a broken man.
366
00:15:04,438 --> 00:15:07,373
Yeah, well, you've got
a broken son right now.
367
00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:10,041
He needs someone
to believe in again.
368
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,443
He needs a hero.
369
00:15:11,445 --> 00:15:14,246
He needs his dad.
370
00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:15,313
What do you say?
371
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,182
No. Hey!
372
00:15:18,052 --> 00:15:21,853
You're Houston Astros legend
Mudcat Ranelli, aren't you?
373
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:25,591
I could just be an anonymous
old man paying for sex.
374
00:15:25,593 --> 00:15:26,992
Mudcat's
my childhood hero.
375
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,861
Okay, yes,
I'm Mudcat Ranelli.
376
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:32,264
And that's why
I'm a broken man
377
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:33,865
living in exile
in Orlando.
378
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,667
Maybe you're
a broken man,
379
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:38,536
but you got a broken son
right now.
380
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:41,206
He needs someone
to believe in again.
381
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,475
He needs a hero.
382
00:15:43,477 --> 00:15:46,144
He needs his dad.
383
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,212
What do you say?
384
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:48,746
Yes.
Just said that.
385
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:52,051
You have a wonderful way
of communicating, Mudcat.
386
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:56,689
Let's get it going!
Hit me one!
387
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,024
[ Grunts ]
388
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,561
Wowza!
389
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:08,233
Dad, you can't quit!
You've got to keep going!
390
00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:09,901
For Steve.
391
00:16:09,903 --> 00:16:10,769
For me.
392
00:16:10,771 --> 00:16:12,838
For you?
Yeah.
393
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,173
I guess this whole thing
reminded me
394
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,175
you used to be
my hero too.
395
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,044
So, when did that stop?
396
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:22,714
Worshipping your parents is just
a thing kids grow out of, Dad.
397
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:26,384
"There is one sure thing
about the fall of gods.
398
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,053
They do not fall a little.
399
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:32,858
They crash and shatter,
or sink deeply into green muck."
400
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:33,992
Steinbeck.
401
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,127
Also there was that time
402
00:16:35,129 --> 00:16:36,662
you pissed yourself
at Chuck E. Cheese.
403
00:16:36,664 --> 00:16:38,864
I was drunk!
All the dads were doing it.
404
00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:42,800
But I think I could look up to
you again, if you could just
405
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,670
face something
that scared you.
406
00:16:44,672 --> 00:16:47,539
Like finally watching
"Hotel Transylvania"
407
00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,540
with my eyes open?
408
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:50,008
No, like softball.
409
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:51,076
Shit.
410
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,944
[ Sighs ]
Okay.
411
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:54,046
I'll try.
412
00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:58,750
Whoa, Mudcat!
Let me get you to a hospital.
413
00:16:58,752 --> 00:17:01,887
I can drive myself.
I just need to find my keys.
414
00:17:01,889 --> 00:17:02,888
Okay, Dad.
415
00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:05,023
Let's get you over your fear
of the ball.
416
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,425
[ John Fogerty's "Centerfield"
plays ]
417
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,361
Got to keep
those eyes open, Dad!
418
00:17:09,363 --> 00:17:11,897
♪♪
419
00:17:11,899 --> 00:17:13,699
David "Flincher" over here.
420
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:16,634
[ Chuckles ]
That's a good one.
421
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:21,573
♪♪
422
00:17:21,575 --> 00:17:23,709
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
423
00:17:23,711 --> 00:17:26,244
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
424
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,846
♪ Today ♪
425
00:17:27,848 --> 00:17:29,915
Thought process here was that
watching "Fear Factor"
426
00:17:29,917 --> 00:17:32,450
would also help you conquer
your fear of the ball.
427
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,387
Oh, don't eat those
habanero peppers!
428
00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:37,389
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
429
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:39,124
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
430
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,325
♪ Today ♪
431
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:41,393
See, Dad,
you're doing it!
432
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:42,660
♪ Look at me ♪
433
00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:43,862
♪ I can be ♪
434
00:17:43,864 --> 00:17:47,132
I'm not afraid anymore!
435
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,667
[ All gasp ]
436
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,403
And I'm gettin' veneers!
437
00:17:51,405 --> 00:17:52,404
[ All cheer ]
438
00:17:52,406 --> 00:17:54,540
♪ Centerfield ♪
439
00:17:54,542 --> 00:17:57,075
[ Solemn music plays ]
440
00:17:57,077 --> 00:18:03,681
♪♪
441
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,483
Hey.
You're ready, Dad.
442
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,685
Show Steve, show me,
443
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,855
show everyone
what you're made of.
444
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,492
[ Crowd gasps ]
445
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,761
What's the meaning of this,
Smith?
446
00:18:15,763 --> 00:18:19,297
I'm ready, sir.
Please. Give me a chance.
447
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:22,167
I won't let you down.
448
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,103
Smith is...in.
449
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:28,574
Damn it, no!
This is a mistake!
450
00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:33,044
Two outs, man on third.
Everything on the line.
451
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,312
Thoughts?
452
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,781
He'll never score,
sir.
453
00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:37,649
That's great news!
454
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,453
Mongoni?
Mongoni?
455
00:18:41,455 --> 00:18:42,788
Klaus:
Yeah, Mongoni.
456
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:44,990
Mm,
he's a total ringer.
457
00:18:44,992 --> 00:18:46,925
Plays on,
like, five teams.
458
00:18:58,806 --> 00:19:03,108
Ye-e-e-s-s-s!
459
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,283
No-o-o-o-o!
460
00:19:11,285 --> 00:19:13,685
Mmm-m-m.
461
00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:16,221
[ Grunting ]
462
00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:17,623
I got it!
463
00:19:17,625 --> 00:19:20,292
[ Screaming ]
[ Snarling ]
464
00:19:20,294 --> 00:19:21,226
[ All gasping ]
465
00:19:22,630 --> 00:19:24,563
[ Cheers and applause ]
466
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:33,505
You cost me a shutout,
Smith!
467
00:19:33,507 --> 00:19:35,641
You already
proved your point!
468
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:38,576
Did you really need to
tear Dad down again?!
469
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,779
I wasn't trying
to tear him down.
470
00:19:40,781 --> 00:19:43,381
I was trying
to build him back up.
471
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:44,316
You were?
Yeah.
472
00:19:44,318 --> 00:19:46,384
I used to worship him too,
you know?
473
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:49,455
And I am sorry for taking
that away from you.
474
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,922
It's okay.
475
00:19:50,924 --> 00:19:53,859
Even though I wasn't quite ready
to lose my superhero,
476
00:19:53,861 --> 00:19:56,194
everyone's time comes,
I guess.
477
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,329
Not me.
478
00:19:57,331 --> 00:20:01,399
I still have my superhero --
Chris Pratt.
479
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:03,268
So funny.
So sexy.
480
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,937
He's an important reminder
that we all have
481
00:20:05,939 --> 00:20:09,675
a responsibility
to be both those things.
482
00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:15,080
Dad, Hayley and I
wrote a new essay.
483
00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:16,414
Read it.
484
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:21,487
[ Weakly ] "Our dad might not be
a superhero or a sports hero.
485
00:20:21,489 --> 00:20:24,089
But he showed up
and tried.
486
00:20:24,091 --> 00:20:25,557
For us.
487
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:29,027
And that's why he's...
our hero."
488
00:20:29,029 --> 00:20:33,231
Thank you, guys.
But this is still very bad.
489
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:36,502
Shhhh.
Just rest now.
490
00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:38,303
Have you seen
your mother?
491
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,173
[ Dramatic
classical music plays ]
492
00:20:41,175 --> 00:20:47,579
♪♪
493
00:20:47,581 --> 00:20:54,186
♪♪
494
00:20:54,188 --> 00:20:56,522
Francine: Hello?
495
00:20:56,524 --> 00:20:58,390
Man:
Hey, what's up?
496
00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,325
Bye!
Have a great time!