How about this Jamaican resort?
We can escape the chilly Langley winter at a heavily guarded man-made beach.
Or we could check out Willie Nelson's museum in Nashville.
Dude loves weed and headbands.
I've heard your input, and I propose we do none of those things.
You could have just had me move that.
The Smith clan shall vacation in Rustic Pines.
The quaint ski town?
Where I used to go as a kid?
I know that look on everyone's face, Mr. S.
They're about to yell,
"Jeff, nobody has any freaking idea what you're talking about!"
Picture it.
We'll wake up with the sun, ski through peaceful woods.
A mountain breeze in our hair.
Then we'll retire to a tiny log cabin with no water or electricity
and poop in an outhouse like God intended.
Honey, thumbs up on the fun ski stuff,
but thumbs down on the pooping like an animal.
How about a nice hotel?
Vacations aren't about fancy-pants hotels with robot toilets.
They're about getting away from it all.
I'll give it a try, Stan.
Go with the flow, that's what I always say.
I guess, but this "go" seems like it flows somewhere shitty.
Your father has a different idea of fun
because his family grew up...
I don't want to say poor,
but with less money than a family needs to not be poor.
Poor? I don't think so.
In fact, my Pops even bought me a fake ID at age six,
so I could sell my blood.
In conclusion, not poor.
What are you guys up to? Never mind. Don't care.
I'm turning my alcove into a home office and it's gonna be sick!
But seriously, what are you guys up to? Can I do it, too? Please!
So, maybe then?
Good morning, USA
I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day
The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face
And he's shining a salute To the American race
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
Good morning, USA
Ah!
Good morning, USA
Anyone see it all around here?
The answer is no because we officially got away from that.
Get a lung full of this fresh mountain air.
Huh, that actually is kind of nice.
I don't know.
It all just smells like squirrel farts to me.
And if that's not enough nature for you,
the forecast calls for an epic powder dump.
A skier's paradise.
Prepare for total relaxation in three, two...
That was relaxing.
I don't get it.
There's never traffic heading into this little nothing of a town.
Someone must have hit a moose or froze to death in their car,
or something else picturesque.
Welcome to heaven.
When I was a kid, we had a game to see who could touch that sign first.
And we're all playing it right now!
I win.
"Log cabin sign condos"?
Awesome! Bet it has a pool.
Bet it has one of those little pools with super-hot water.
You mean a hot tub?
Maybe. But, you know, where you go like this...
A soup bowl?
No, that's hot tub, Mom.
He always ends up with some kind of GI issue.
This place is terrible now.
Stan, my dude, relax.
You're not poor anymore. You've earned a trip like this.
We were never poor, you idiot!
Ow, idiot, huh?
Would an idiot... Aah!
I said, would an idiot... Aah!
Never mind. I've ruined my quick comeback.
We've been in this line so long, I've named all the butts in front of us.
Droopy, Lumpy, Kind of Hot, Mean Pumpkin
and the loud mouth of the group, Fart Butt.
Please tell me I'm either Kind of Hot or Mean Pumpkin.
Come on. Be honest with yourself.
That chairlift line is moving just fine.
Oh, hey, guys, I found you.
Ew, Stan, what are those "fashion don'ts" on your feet?
My dad had these custom-made for me
from our neighbor's very expensive fence material.
What's going on with your line? Nobody's even wearing skis.
Don't need 'em. My crew is all about après-ski.
The party scene after skiing.
Except we also do it before skiing, and instead of skiing.
We're heading up to a sick mountaintop club.
I got you all express passes.
Nobody wants your party passes. We're here to ski and name butts.
And we're all out of butts.
I'll take a pass.
Oh, great. Fart Butt gets to go up.
So, Fart Butt, is that short for Fartholomew Buttons?
The ultimate home office.
Pens to sign important documents.
Paper clips to clip those documents together.
And, of course, a big-ass landline phone.
No dial tone?
Time to call tech support and unleash hell!
Telestar support. Sarah speaking.
Hey, Sarah.
Your shitty company sold me a defective phone.
I am so sorry about that, sugar.
And here I was upset about the rain.
Well, it's not your fault, Sarah.
And rain does kind of suck.
Sorry I got so mad.
It's okay. I understand.
You understand me?
Sure.
This must be frustrating.
It is.
Wow, you really get me.
So, what are you up to tonight, Sarah?
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Oh, let me take you off speaker.
Sarah! Come back to me!
Telestar support. Mindy speaking.
Put Sarah back on!
I'm sorry, sir. There's no Sarah here.
You see, Telestar has agents located all over the country.
Sarah!
I like to après-après
Don't drink it. Spray it.
That's how you après-ski.
I'm such a good skier!
MC Avalanche in the house!
Okay, gang. Time for our first and last run of the day.
So, let's make the best of...
Woo-hoo! Hey!
Damn it! These morons are everywhere.
Here, Stan.
The traditional peace offering of my people. Join us.
I pity you, Roger.
Everyone in this family, but you, is content to enjoy the wonders of nature.
Stan, get over here!
The bartender lady will spray beer right in your face!
I'm invoking vacation veto power.
Everyone get down here and back in your skis.
Sorry, y'all.
Scratchin' ain't so easy with m-m-m-mittens!
Dad, this trip sucks a fat hog.
Climbing garbage to get our skis?
Can we just go home?
Hey, I'm doing this for you guys.
I thought we could get away and find a little quiet solitude.
And beautiful views.
And a mountain breeze.
You read my mind, Steve.
The rustic family ski trip
we've all been craving is right here at the dump!
Cold penis!
Steve, the dump won't be a safe place to ski
until you clear the household appliances.
Sorry, I was busy getting this used condom out of my hair.
A valid excuse.
Honey, how's the bunny slope coming?
I think I've found some medical waste.
That's the spirit.
My turn. Wee!
Whoa, cabin three.
These must be the logs from the torn-down cabins I used to stay in.
That's nice, Stan.
So, the kids and I have been talking, and maybe it's time we...
Are you crying?
It's just...
I want to thank you for letting me give you
the vacation I've always wanted to.
I love you guys.
- Sorry. You were saying? - Um...
I was saying we should stay here and keep trashing it up.
Great idea!
Let's all reconstruct cabin three.
You know who else built a cabin?
Abraham Lincoln.
He also got shot in the head, but not everyone gets that lucky.
(OVER PHONE) Mr. Heissler,
I'm the highest-ranking support manager at Telestar,
and I'm not able to bring you Sarah even if you do tweet my personal info
to your millions of rabid followers.
Send a company-wide email to every Sarah
and tell them the man of their dreams is searching for them!
Sir, I'm sorry you can't figure out how to use your telephone
and fell in love with a woman who tried to help you,
but I'm hanging up now.
What are you doing here?
Sometimes I miss Steve when he's on vacation,
so, I just come over and live here.
I'm going a little crazy myself.
Yesterday, I made a love connection with a tech support babe,
but we got disconnected and I can't find her.
Klaus, this is your lucky day.
Years of looking for my deadbeat dad made me an expert tracker.
Tell me about your call.
Well, I was mad about my phone
- and she was upset it was raining... - Stop.
It only rained in nine American cities yesterday.
You put on a pot of coffee,
I'll scrub my search history from Steve's computer.
We've got a girl to find.
Guys, I've been thinking. Spraying champagne is played out.
It's time to innovate.
Hah! Look at those losers skiing on trash at the dump.
Oh, no. Stan is ruining their vacation. I have to save them.
I'm innovating, too! Who wants a champagne enema?
A little later. I have to save them a little later.
Guess who christened the outhouse?
It was me. I destroyed it.
Everything's destroyed here, Dad. It's a dump.
The powder dump begins.
Tomorrow, we shall ski upon pillows of fairy dust.
We'll need plenty of rest. So, it's time for everyone to go to sleep.
But it's so early. Nobody's tired.
Don't worry. I found a gasoline-soaked rag we can all share.
I'll use it first, and when I pass out,
you can remove it from my face, so I don't die.
Then the next person will take it, pass out and so forth
in a round-robin system.
But what about the last person?
A big snowball?
Wait. There's something in here.
"Dearest Smiths,
"I bring news of a better life just a few hundred feet above you,
"where the champagne flows like wine
"and the wine also flows like wine.
"There's a lot of booze up here is what I'm saying, and I have a plan."
Did you get my big snowball note about the plan?
The rain rules out everything west of the Mississippi
and Telestar has no offices north of Philadelphia.
You said Sarah called you "sugar"?
In a Southern accent.
The sweet kind, not the swamp person kind.
What else? I need details, damn it!
She was super into me,
practically trying to bang me over the phone.
No made-up details.
Sorry. You didn't specify.
I heard a train whistle.
That's an Amtrak Viewliner 3850.
Says here only one left in circulation, runs daily from D.C. to Blacksburg.
And at the time you called Sarah, it was cruisin' right through Roanoke.
My true love works in Roanoke.
They've got the best Jersey Mike's. It's a match made in heaven.
Whoa, we're getting dusted pretty good.
I should make sure they can breathe.
This isn't Steve at all.
It's a snow Steve.
A Steve-man?
A Steve-snow?
Hayley? Jeff?
Francine, the kids snuck out and replaced themselves with snow kids.
Kid-men? Snow-Snows?
We've gotta find them.
One, two, three, Shot Ski!
You've all betrayed me.
My plan worked! Stan's ready to join the fun!
I don't know. He's kinda got murder-face.
Roger I get, but the rest of you are blood relatives.
Well, technically, only Steve and Hayley are,
but Francine and me do it all the time
and Jeff and I became blood brothers
after we found that dead body by the train tracks.
Sorry we left you, Dad. It's just...
How do I say this?
Your trip sucks and après-ski is way more fun.
That's exactly how you say it.
We tried to be nice, honey, but just because you grew up poor
and had to pretend to like terrible vacations
doesn't mean we have to.
For the last time, we weren't poor!
We all shared one fork to save time doing dishes!
And I don't need any of you! I can do a family trip all by myself!
Whoa, it's coming down heavy.
I can't see the trail.
Oh, God, I've lost my way. I'm going to die out here!
Wait. There's a light. I am saved. Lord, you saved me!
What?
Who needs a loving family to enjoy things with?
Those fools have no idea what they're missing.
Wee!
Yeah!
Yes! Me!
Whoa!
Wake up, party people!
MC Avalanche is cooking up fat beats and salty meats
for your boozy, brunchy, pleasure!
Mimosa time, bitches!
Poor Stan.
Will you ever find what you've been looking for?
This is exactly what I've been looking for.
Yee-haw!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
I'm doing it! I'm outrunning the avalanche!
Stan got buried by an avalanche at the dump!
M-m-m-mittens!
Oh, my God!
Après-ski crew, I call on you to help us find our missing friend.
- Nah. - Nah?
Yeah. Nah. We want to keep partying.
This is the address.
You sure you want to do this?
I'm good at figuring out where people are,
but not so good at figuring out where they are emotionally.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not much air left.
Must take smallest breaths possible.
Because running out of air,
let's just say, isn't the best outcome
for old Stan Smith.
This ski trip sucks. Why doesn't our cabin have any heat?
Because we're getting away from it all. That's why!
Can't we go to the regular zoo?
This is better than the regular zoo.
The animals are in their natural habitat.
Stan, go check if there's anything left in that.
This cruise sucks. Why can't we leave our room?
Because it's not a real cruise, Stan!
We're very, very poor.
How the hell does this imbecile not get it by now?
My childhood family trips actually sucked.
And there's a chance we were kind of poor.
Stop après-skiing and help me find my papa!
Hey, gang. You guys love partying. We want to search.
What if we combine the two and do a search party?
Search party!
Yeah! I'm going to be a hero!
Après-squad, fan out and find Stan!
Party!
Woo! Yeah!
Let's find Dan!
Oh, Stan.
You only wanted us to have a fun trip.
Look! Dad's crappy old wooden ski!
Breathe, Dad! Breathe your stupid fresh mountain air!
- Yeah! - Woo!
- Life! - Thanks, guys.
You know, while I was trapped in there,
I had a lot of time to hallucinate.
I've been forcing this crappy trip on all of you.
I'm a failure as a parent.
I wouldn't say that.
Sure, they only had fun because you drove them away,
but you still gave them a better vacation than you had growing up.
I did, didn't I?
I broke the vicious cycle of having to take crappy vacations.
Let's après-ski!
Hit it, MC Avalanche!
I don't think he's able to.
Oh. Well, then, maybe call an ambulance!