It's crab night, baby!
Mmm! Mmm. Mmm.
Boy, do I love crab season.
- Anyone get any meat? - No.
That fish monger at Whole Foods made a fool of you again!
Godangit!
Anyone wanna go in on soup dumplings? I have a code.
Can't. I have a troop meeting.
Since when are you involved with Girl Scouts?
I've been working with this down-and-out troop
for a couple weeks now.
It's been so fulfilling to give back
because girls really do face so many obstacles.
Never run into that myself.
Plus, I get to give the support I never got
when I was a Girl Scout.
You were in Girl Scouts?
I just got my archery badge!
Uh-huh. I'm busy.
We just won the big jamboree!
Can't you see I'm trying to enjoy this night with my jar?
I'm quitting Girl Scouts.
You don't care about it, and neither do I.
- You're quitting what, now? - Girl Scouts!
You were in Girl Scouts?
Yes! I was!
But you completely missed it
because you never pay attention to me.
It's true, Stan.
You don't pay attention to either of your kids.
If I pay too close attention, I notice all their faults.
Like, look at Steve.
I'm looking at him, and all I see
is that scrawny body and little chin.
He has glasses. His eyes don't work right.
And I hate the frames he chose. They don't work for his face...
Oof. This is pretty rough stuff.
Thankfully I can retreat into my rich fantasy life.
I wonder what it would be like to be the wizard Merlin...
ziz secretary...
Running low on quills.
I know he likes the gray quills. Says they write more smoothly.
And if Merlin says they're smooth, then smooth they are.
Oh, Merl.
Steve!
Ah! I just want to make sure my robe
is back from the launderer, hm?
Got that big soiree with Lancelot and Arthur tonight.
The robe? Of course!
The robe's handled.
Magical.
...he's constantly daydreaming...
I forgot the robe!
And now he's forgotten the robe.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪
-♪ Good--♪ -♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U--♪
Guess I'm done singing. What'd I do?
You crashed into the flagpole.
Yes. But don't worry. My car is fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me...
You can't leave, sir.
- What about him? - Sir, that's a cat.
I'm writing you a ticket.
I'm allowed to crash into the flagpole!
Tell him, Dimitri!
Have you been drinking, sir?
That's just ma booch!
I drink six highly fermented kombuchas each morning
to keep my microbiome balanced.
Ooo!
The bad bacteria's getting the upper hand.
Let me just get a swig.
You can't touch me! I outrank you!
Catch me, Dimitri!
Stanford Leonard Smith, you have been charged with--
Oh. One sec. I'm feeling a rumble.
Booch me, Francine!
Order!
Stan Smith, I am sentencing you
to 50 hours of community service.
What? First, a police officer tells me what to do...
and now a judge?
Your assignment
is to clean the outhouses at the rodeo.
No!
You don't have to freak out,
I'm not married to the whole rodeo thing.
What you got?
Umm...
there's a Girl Scout troop I could help with.
Mmmm! Mama likey!
Okay. Adjourned! Booch me!
People think judges are so mean,
but all you have to do is catch them after lunch.
Dad, I'm so excited you're finally
doing Girl Scouts with me!
Okay, let me introduce you to our troop.
- This is Lissy. - Whatever.
- Dana. - Not gonna remember that.
I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to not clean outhouses.
I'll be napping for a week while you do dumb girly stuff.
Dad, Girl Scouts isn't all what you call "girly stuff."
We do empowering things like camping, archery--
People or targets?
Well, targets of course.
Snooze!
Plus robotics and engineering.
Lissy, why don't you show new Troop Leader Smith your robot?
Meh. It's no Johnny 5.
We're rehearsing our skit for the jamboree.
Do you want to see it before your nap?
Look, little birdie, this here is not my scene.
So you can tweet-tweet all you want to.
I'm still gonna sleep-sleep all I want to.
Steve, did you shower after gym?
No, my trick is to sneak in after the final bell
and shower when it's empty.
A luxurious rub-a-dub-dub.
♪ Clean Steve will smell real nice♪
♪ Clean Steve♪
♪ Preventing lice♪
Thank you for helping with our possum problem
in the locker room.
I can't believe we found so many all-female exterminators
and on Bring Your Teenage Daughter To Work Day.
Hold on.
Sounds like one of those possums
is doing a little rub-a-dub-dub.
Oh, my God!
Drink it in, ladies.
STEVE [thinking]: Oof. More rough stuff.
Time for a trip to Camelot.
What?
I-I'm so sorry this is last-minute,
but can you clean Merlin's robe?
No! We close at 4:30!
But Merlin needs the robe today!
30 is Miller time!
It's when I meet the miller down at the inn
and get drunk on Coors Light!
Coors Light?
Here's an opportunity for you to support the girls,
and you are just sleeping through it again!
I'm glad this is your last day.
Shh.
I was waiting and waiting, and I hear a knock...
a knock, a knock on the door!
But it was my mom.
I was washing the dishes and reading the newspaper
when I hear a knock, a knock, a knock on the door.
But it was... the mailman.
I opened the door, it was...
Cecelia and Tanya!
What? Oh, my God!
It was four girls the whole time!
I thought it was just two girls, but it was four!
Did you know? How are you sitting?
Rise!
Congratulations on participating.
What? They didn't take first?
Oh, I get it. You're saying girls can't be funny.
Dad, be quiet!
Now you're telling me what to do?
I-I'm making a... connection.
I got it!
Girls are told by society what they can and can't do!
Just like I was told I couldn't crash into the flagpole!
Hayley, have you ever stopped to consider
what it would be like to live as a woman?
The challenges they face?
Dad, that's what I--
Not now! The stars are coming.
Even though I completed my 50 hours of service,
I'm going to stick around
and do everything I can to help my girls.
Your girls?
Yes.
- Mmm! - Yes.
I know that being a man and leading this troop
of future She-EOs is intrinsically problematic.
So I'm not here to talk. I'm here to listen.
- Hayley? - Today we're going to finish up
- our keepsake pillows, take-- - One second.
I don't want to interrupt because I know men
tend to interrupt, but eww!
Ugh! Making pillows?
These girls shouldn't be sewing pillows like homemakers.
They should be making pills, like scientists!
The biggest pills the world has ever seen,
pills the size of pillows that kill the craziest diseases.
Girls, if you didn't have Hayley's glass ceiling
in your way, what would you do?
Mmmm! Pony camp?
Pony camp!
- Wow! - That sounds fun!
No! Ponies are still small horses!
You need to think big!
I would go to the National Girl Scouts
Robotics Convention in Baraboo, Wisconsin,
and compete for the Golden Beret!
Holy That's it!
I don't know what it is, but it's it!
Whoa, whoa! I think we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Hayley, are you mansplaining to me?
- Women can't mansplain. - Wow.
You got a whole long list of things women can't do.
Girls, we are going to go to that convention,
we are going to win that Beret,
and I'm gonna look great in it!
I get it.
But we don't even have enough money to make dues right now.
Maybe if we bring in enough from cookie sales?
- Cookies? - Girl Scout cookies.
Your big idea is cookies?
Oh, like little Susie Homemaker baking for the boys.
Why don't we just put them in skirts, Hayley?
That's what we do.
Oh, my God!
If we're going to make money, we need to saturate the market
with something that shatters gender norms.
That sketch proved your strong suit is legs.
What other legs are there?
Crab legs, spider legs, piano legs, turkey legs.
Turkey legs?
Yes! That's it!
Turkey legs! Great big ones you get at the fair!
That idea gets my approving laughter as well!
Ha ha ha ha!
♪ Mmm, I said, I took it and I ran for it♪
♪ I won it then I stand on it♪
♪ Money on the floor when we dance on it♪
♪ Shine bright, finna put a tan on it♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss, I'm-a shine like gloss♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss, I'm a bitch and a boss...♪
We're not basting fast enough!
Don't worry, Troop Leader Smith! I built something to help.
Lissy, you're a genius!
This will make production twice as fast.
Could we let the arm do the turkey killing
so we don't have to?
No. Hand strangling is a big part of our brand.
♪ [trilling] Aah! Aah!♪
♪ Aaaah!♪
♪ I'm a boss, I'm a bitch♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss, I'm a bitch and a boss♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss, I'm-a shine like gloss♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss, I'm-a shine like gloss♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss♪
♪ I'm a bitch and a boss, I'm-a shine like gloss♪
♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a boss♪
That was a disaster!
We didn't even sell a single leg!
You just kept handing money back and forth with one customer!
Yeah, I'm afraid what happened there
was a classic quick-change scam.
He took me for 1,600 dollars.
Only one person is rich enough
to drive that close to buildings.
Filibuster Q. Jorgenson!
The carwash magnate of Langley!
And he's here to make a deal!
You wanna buy all the turkey legs.
No. The legs are disgusting.
But the boys down on the docks
say that you've got an arm, a robot arm.
I want to buy the patent.
And I'm in the mood to spend a lot of money on it.
Can you pay me in LazerCoin?
It's a highly volatile cryptocurrency. Can't lose.
- O-kay... - Deal!
We're going to Baraboo!
- Baraboo! - Yay, yay
I'm-a keep that "boo" going for our hater-in-chief Hayley!
Boo!
This is for exposing yourself to my aunt!
She worked so hard to become
the family's first female exterminator!
She's a trailblazer!
It's working! Oh, no, no, no, no!
These were iron-ons?
Wow, I expected more from a robe made by...
H?
Ugh!
You want me to hack into the troop's
LazerCoin account and drain the funds.
- Why? - So that Dad
will look like a failure and leave the troop in shame.
- But won't that hurt the girls? - Only at first.
It'll be way worse if Dad takes them
all the way to Nationals and humiliates them.
May I articulate a theme here?
Are you sure you're not jealous of the girls?
Stan has been showing them the love and support
you never received when you were a Girl Scout.
Perhaps this is why you feel the need to sabotage them.
That's ridiculous! I'm doing this for those little bitches!
Well, let's get Jurgen to hack them.
I don't know anything about computers.
Oh, noooo.
Did you lose all your LazerCoin money?
No, we're crying because you...
betrayed us.
Lissy here just earned her hacking badge.
She hack-blocked your hack and traced it back to you.
You are banished from Troop 7307!
Wh-a-a-at?
I said...
♪ You're dead to us!♪
♪ I said you're dead to us!♪
♪ We hope you die♪
♪ Don't come back or show your face to us♪
♪ We hope you die♪
♪ Don't come back or show your face to us♪
- Oh, yeah! - Oh, yeah!
- Uh-huh! - Uh-huh!
- One more time! - One more time!
- Quiet style! - Quiet style!
♪ Hayley's dead to us♪
Okay, if we're going to win the Golden Beret,
we need to make our robot deadly.
- Or useful! - Useful for killing?
How about a robot that cleans up?
The bodies of your enemies.
No. Like your house.
Like a Roomba!
Well, why didn't you just say that, Lissy?
But what's the problem with Roombas?
They can't get over door jambs, no kill features.
We're gonna fix that with this troop's bread and butter--
legs!
Has someone been using my basketball?
Because I heard the distinct sound
of someone dribbling my basketball.
We haven't touched your basketball!
Well, don't.
What's this nerd scribble?
That's the robot we're designing for Nationals.
"Ehhh! That's the robot! Ehhh."
Get a life, Lissy.
You wanna build something? Build a boyfriend.
Back off my girls, Hayley!
Your girls? Hah!
You may have gotten lucky, Dad,
but the tables are about to turn.
What's wrong with Hayley? Is she going through menopause?
Or did she get her first period?
She's probably mad you were never into Girl Scouts
when she did it.
Hayley was a Girl Scout?
No competition in sight.
The Golden Beret is pretty much ours.
Her Majesty!
We have a late entry. Troop 1622!
Troop 1622, present for competition.
What the hell are you doing here?
Where'd you get that bot?
Roger, did you have sex with a robot maker?
I'm like eight years old, you sick
Robots to the competition ring!
Dammit. Mr. Belvedere himself couldn't do it better.
The world is facing disconnect due to globalization.
How would you foster a greater sense of oneness?
Hate turns to anger.
Anger leads to fear.
Fear leads to suffering.
Come on! She's gotta be cheating!
There's probably a parrot in there!
Spider Bot, same question.
Destroy dust!
Annihilate grime!
What's alarming about Steve's case is that
even in his fantasies he remains under extreme duress.
We may need to think about medication
and even institutionalization.
Do you understand what that means, Steve?
Steve?
I can't believe I found a seamstress
who could remake the robe in time!
Oh, no! These are the wrong moons!
These are waning! Merlin only wears waxing!
It's over! I'm done! He's gonna turn me into a newt!
Steve. I've come for my robe.
Looks great! Thanks, Steve.
I can't believe he didn't notice.
What a day it's been in the life of Merlin...
ziz secretary.
Oh, and, Steve, what's the ETA on that salad?
Salad?
My... salad?
The salad! The salad! The salad!!
A salad does sound good.
There's a new salad place across the street.
Great!
They even give you a free piece of pita bread.
Finally, a good therapist!
And the Golden Beret goes to...
...Troop 7307 and the Spider Bot!
Yeah ha ha!
Dana! Come here.
Tanya! Where's Lissy?
Dad! We won the Golden Beret with my invention!
Not now, Lissy. I'm ordering socks online.
What? How could he not care?
How could he ignore his amazing, gifted daughter?
Oh, my God.
I-- I'm making a connection...
Close enough.
I have something to say that I should have said
a long time ago.
Hayley, I never gave you the support
and encouragement you deserve.
You're a great kid.
Troop 7307 forfeits.
This award belongs to you, Hayley.
Thanks, Dad.
That's not yours to give away!
Lissy, look, someday you'll understand
when you have a daughter.
Or your dad will understand
when he goes through an adventure like mine.
Spider Bot, activate kill mode.
She gave it a kill mode.
Protect us, Butler Bot!
Hayley, aim for the small square on its undercarriage!
That's its weak spot!
Why would you make a weak spot?
It was gonna be a frozen-yogurt dispenser,
but Lissy overpromised again and ran out of time.
I can't do it! You take the shot. You're the weapons expert!
But you're the Scout.
I believe in you, Hayley.
Ahh!
Deactivate kill mode!
It's not even worth it.
Come on, Spider Bot. Let's go home.
You want me to pull that out?
Probably not. It might be keeping me alive.
Whew, man! I haven't run that fast
since I ran track in high school.
You ran track in high school?
Bye! Have a beautiful time!