♪ Nutri-Grain bar and a Mountain Dew ♪
[farts]
It's my goldfish's birthday.
I should be having the time of my life, but I'm troubled.
I don't think Klaus's boys are having a very good time.
I know!
Big Ed is being a little quiet.
Courtney has barely touched his blunt.
And Vance hasn't thrown a single bottle cap in my cleavage.
Something is off.
I haven't had one fart cupped and thrown at me.
[farts]
They're just farting normals.
[grunting]
Hey, Klaus, do you think maybe
someone else could get a turn?
No way!
No one is touching this piñata but me!
[grunts]
I know it sounds crazy, but does Klaus not know how to share?
[chain saw revs]
Skittles!
Stay back! This candy is all mine!
We spent months planning this party,
and Klaus is ruining it by being Klaus!
Let's do the cake.
That's good, his boys love cake.
Who wants cake?!
Put away those plates.
This is just for me, thank you very much.
It's my birthday and my cake.
Klaus, you're not gonna eat this whole cake.
Oh, yeah?
[munching]
[gags]
This is especially hard because I hate confetti cake.
[gags]
Courtney, I cannot believe this is your favorite.
Don't go, boys!
I was just about to bring out the bong decorating station!
TOGETHER: Naw, son.
Uh-oh.
You know the boys say "sup" when they're happy?
"Naw, son" is the exact opposite.
Naw, son!
[patriotic music plays]
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say
- ♪ Good-- - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.
Can't sleep? Me neither.
I'm just so damn worried about Klaus and his boys!
We can't sleep either.
We're worried that Mr. Klaus is gonna lose his boys!
Did you know that Courtney dis-invited Klaus
to his daughter's quinceañera?
I did not know that.
He's been so much less annoying since his Tampa boys moved here.
We have to teach Klaus the importance of sharing
before he loses them!
And has to bring his electronic drums back to the house.
I can still hear him not keeping beat.
[piano playing]
I love how you've kept up with your piano.
How long has it been?
600 years.
[piano plays]
And I'm finally gonna have my first recital.
Thing is, like all musicians,
I'm much better when I don't take drugs.
[piano plays]
I need someone to make sure I don't do any drugs this week.
I'm your man.
I've kept Toshi off bath salts for almost six months.
That's great. Let's celebrate this arrangement.
[bong shatters]
No way, no drugs.
It's times like this I'm glad I had Rogu install a...
secret zip line!
Aaaah!
[thud]
Oooh.
Rogu procrastinate.
♪
Sharing turns a regular meal into an experience.
With sharing, I can try a little of Jeff's patatas bravas
and Francine's calamari.
And they can both taste my balls!
Dad, they're called croquettes.
So sharing is when you get less of what you want
because you're a chump-- sounds pretty stupid to me.
Mr. Klaus, how can you not know the value of sharing?
Didn't you learn this stuff on Sesame Street?
I never watched that Big Birdshit.
Growing up in Germany, we had a real kids show,
Gernot and Strudel.
Well, they must've done an episode about sharing.
You would think so, wouldn't you?
[thunder crashes]
Ahh, gotta drain the ol' lizard.
Don't touch my grub, hippies!
Guys, this is great!
All we have to do is find
the "sharing" episode of his stupid show!
Easy-breezy- tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheesy.
I don't know, guys.
Did you notice how he ominously looked out that window
when we brought up the "sharing" episode?
You're worried because... he looked out a window?
Why do you think they make windows?
Stop being weird, Hayley.
Look at me!
I'm looking through the magic window!
Oh, no, now I have an ominous!
[laughter]
[doors open]
I know that look. Roger's jonesing.
What the?
Baby carrots?
Dr. Slippy's Lock Pick Switcharoo Carrots Kit.
[ding!]
Oh, God, his drums are back!
I thought we had more time!
Here we go, I found a clip of the Gernot and Strudel show.
[drums playing off-beat]
[theme music playing]
Es ist Zeit, die Show zu starten!
♪
German Wikipedia or "Viko-pedia!"
says the show takes place in the "magical world
of an old coat hanger factory."
Gernot is a worm and the flawless leader.
Worm boss. Tight.
Next there's Kommandant Strudel Goofel-berry.
A sassy hippo.
[laughs] Is there another kind?
HAYLEY: Then there's a two-headed blob,
Uschi and Booshi.
Uschi represents the sadness of the failed fall harvest.
And Booshi represents the brief moment of happiness
that washes over you before death.
Finally there's a talking file cabinet, Doctor Du-Du Dankers,
who represents the perfection of the organizational skills
that every German child dreams of,
but nightmarishly never achieves.
[gasps] There's the episode on sharing!
[mouse clicks]
Huh, not available for download.
That's strange. That's the one episode you can't download.
Damn it!
Why does God love kicking us in the dick?!
Well, if we can't download the episode,
I guess we'll just have to...
perform it ourselves!
Well, it took three days,
but I'm glad we finally heard the end of your sentence!
I must still be dreaming.
Gernot, is that really you?
Check out this insane worm voice I came up with.
[as Roger] This is no dream, Klaus.
We're gonna teach you how to share!
No, Stan! Nuh-uh.
♪
Oh, my God, you guys are doing my favorite show!
It's Gernot, Uschi, Booshi, Strudel, and Du-Du!
[goofy voice] It's good to see you too, Klaus!
We're here to teach you about sharing!
Oh, don't be silly!
You can't start with the big lesson of the day.
That's the end of the show.
First you have to do the opening song,
then the numbers jamboree,
the message from the legislature
about new government regulations,
the grammar gulag, a reading of the crop yields,
and the time for undeserved spanking.
[Italian accent] I can't-a believe-a what I'm a-hearing.
I a-guess we have to do the whole show-a-ghetti.
Why are you doing an Italian accent?
I can do a-Italy or [normal voice] I can do Jeff.
Italy's good.
[Italian accent] No, Italy is-a the best!
♪
♪ Gernot and Strudel
♪ Children are weak and have very small brain ♪
♪ Gernot and Strudel
♪ Your body can be trained to not feel pain ♪
♪ The Ministry of Culture has approved ♪
♪ Your watching of this show
♪ If you catch your parents with rock music ♪
♪ Let the government know
♪ You'll work in a factory till the day you die ♪
♪ Tears are for the French, you are not allowed to cry ♪
♪
♪ Gernot and Strudel
♪ Children are weak and have very small brain ♪
♪ Gernot and Strudel
♪ Your body can be trained to not feel pain ♪
We near the end of the show.
And one step closer to death's embrace.
And that means it's time for the lesson of the day!
Strudel has had success in the government lottery
and has won a potato.
I'm very hungry, Strudel.
May I share your potato?
A-no you cannot-a.
I'm a-greedy and I will not a-share this potato with you.
Mangia!
I am dying.
And now I am dead.
Strudel, you Dummkopf!
You should have shared with him!
Sharing is so important!
I-- I understand now.
I feel terrible for not sharing in the past.
I want to start sharing right away!
Water.
Please, Jeff, allow me to share my water with you.
Drink, my boy. Drink from my bowl.
[gulping]
Lots of pulp in this water.
That's not pulp.
We've had some ups and downs,
but you've kept me off drugs for three days.
And surprisingly I'm not having any cravings!
♪
Aren't we going to keep doing the show?
Why? You already learned to share.
Oh. That's too bad.
But I guess when the show's over, it's over.
Unless...
the show must go on.
[thunder crashes]
[laughing maniacally]
- Uh, are we gonna talk about that? - Talk about what?
You didn't notice how Klaus looked out the window and--
Again with this window business!
Geez, Hayley, broken record much?
Didn't you hear him laughing like--
Now you're worried because he laughed?
He's got a great sense of humor!
Babe, give it a rest.
You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.
♪
STAN: What's going on?
FRANCINE: Ugh, the hell did I drink last night?
HAYLEY: Oof, my heads--
wait, heads?
JEFF: I feel strange.
Where's the zipper?
I can't get this thing off!
Wait, I think...
We've been turned into puppets!
Damn it, I'm the worm.
At least you don't have two heads!
Two heads are better than one!
If one of them isn't a shithead!
[gasps]
Klaus! Did you do this?
I did! And I have wonderful news.
You're all going to keep doing the show for me!
Why don't we start with one of the episodes
about properly cleaning your butthole?
♪
Smells like Sup Bud in here.
What's Sup Bud?
Nothing, bud, what's up with you?
Will you both shut up?!
How did you do this, Klaus?
Dr. Weitzman at the CIA did it.
The CIA has puppet technology?
Oh, yeah, the CIA is always installing puppets,
all over the globe.
Fozzie Bear was the Shah of Iran for seven years.
Klaus, we don't like being puppets!
- Really? - Yes!
I'm craving a hand up my ass in a very unnerving way.
And I really hate this dang worm leash.
Stop the complaining!
The Gernot and Strudel show
is the most important thing in the world to me!
And if you don't perform whenever I want,
I'm going to read you a list of things
that aren't important to me.
He's bluffing. No one keeps a list of that.
Championship bull riding.
Mustard. Non-helium balloons.
- Stop, stop! - Then sing!
[all sigh]
♪ Gernot and Strudel
♪
Well, I did it.
I got you here clean and sober for your piano recital.
Thank you, Steve.
- I think you're up. - [applause]
[Franz Liszt's "Liebestraum No. 3" playing]
I know him.
He's sometimes my uncle but always my friend.
DELMONICO: I feel you, dude.
He's sometimes my friend, but always my customer.
Delmonico?!
Please tell me you're here as a friend.
I cannot.
It's strictly business today.
I delivered the piano.
Oh, good.
It's basically made out of drugs.
- Oh, no! - Oh, yeah!
I coated the white piano keys with ecstasy.
The black keys are black tar heroin.
The sheet music is blotter acid paper.
The bench he's sitting on is actually a meth suppository.
And the whole thing is dusted with cocaine and ketamine.
♪ Da, da, da-da-da
♪ Da, la, da-da, da-dee
♪ Da, da, da-da
♪ Da-da-da-da
♪ Da, da, da-da-da
[cheers and applause]
What? How is everybody liking this?!
Oh, they're all my customers.
[grunting]
This isn't working!
We'll never break out of this cage!
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is not a great situation we find ourselves in.
I've got this dang--
Stop complaining about your worm leash!
I'm a [bleep] file cabinet!
We have a theory about what's going on with Klaus.
When we re-created the show for him,
we must have triggered some unresolved trauma.
Something happened to Klaus with this show.
And we need to get him to share his trauma with us.
Another type of sharing.
Yeah.
And maybe that'll snap him out of this.
Whoa, babes, I couldn't follow any of that!
- Awww. - Come here, you!
Yuck.
KLAUS: It's true.
Something terrible did happen.
No, I-I can't talk about it.
It's too painful.
You can do it.
I, this stupid worm, believe in you.
[breathes deeply]
I was eight years old, and I was in the audience
for my favorite show in the whole world.
But what started off as the best day of my life
became the worst.
I was thrilled when I was called up onto stage
at the end of the show.
At the time, I had a big crush on Uschi,
so of course I got an erection.
And when I was a child,
I had a very sharp penis.
It wasn't big but it was honed,
like a paring knife.
Anyways, I got a little baby boner
and accidentally poked Uschi's puppeteer
with my tiny dagger
and she fell off the stage and was...
electrocuted.
Strudel and Du-Du rushed to save her.
And they too were immediately electrocuted.
As the studio filled with the smell of burnt flesh
and polyester fur,
me and my for-some-reason- still-hard baby boner
could only watch in shame.
Gernot was the lone survivor...
until that evening when he shot himself in the face.
The episode was banned and never aired.
They replaced all the puppeteers and kept making episodes,
but it was never the same.
I loved that show more than anything,
and I was the one that destroyed it.
Jesus, Klaus.
And that's why you became a fish?
What? No.
That's how I became traumatized.
But after sharing it, I feel so much better.
Thank you.
Is there anything I can do for you?
I guess you could let us out of this cage.
And I wouldn't mind having my worm leash removed.
[buzzer]
Oh, baby, that's the stuff.
Oh, and also,
I think we'd all like to not be puppets anymore.
TOGETHER: Mm-hmm.
Oh, shoot.
We don't have time to get to Dr. Weitzman
before he leaves for his summer job--
selling clever T-shirts on the Atlantic City boardwalk.
I can't be stuck being a worm all summer!
I already put down my deposit for boogie boarding camp!
We could get there in time
if we took a shortcut through the Langley Dunes.
But how?
Those dunes are famously treacherous.
I know! My boys have badass ATVs!
Let's go!
[grunting]
I refuse to be fat shamed.
I called it a "worm leash."
It was very uncomfortable.
You can still see the little indent it made on my felt.
Do you really think your boys will let us use their ATVs?
They seem mad at you.
You really don't understand
how truly tight I am with my boys.
No way!
You don't share, man.
Okay, maybe I didn't use to.
But I've learned how to share!
And I brought you something.
- A cake?! - A piñata?!
You're both right.
I brought a broken piñata filled with old cake!
Mmm. Sup.
Sup.
That means they're boys again!
Francine, I'm a worm, not an idiot.
♪ Go crazy
♪ Yeah, soo, we gone, huh, stop, we good, stop ♪
♪ Chill, we on, yeah, scale, let's go ♪
[all cheering]
♪ Take, huh, let's go, huh
♪ Set, let's roll
Oh, no-- cliff.
How are we going to get down?
Easy! We're puppets.
We don't have any bones!
Wait, I have bones!
[crack]
Uh, waiter?
There's some bones in my fish.
Come on, we're so close.
Crap, forgot about the river
that runs through the Langley Dunes!
What a complex and exciting ecosystem this town has!
But how are we gonna get across?!
I got this!
Everyone on my back!
♪ Straightenin', straightenin', whoo ♪
♪ Straightenin', yeah, straight ♪
♪ Straightenin', straightenin', soo ♪
♪ Straightenin', yeah
♪ Straight, don't nothing get straightenin' ♪
♪ But straightenin', hey, don't nothing get ♪
[humming]
Dr. Weitzman! We need our bodies back!
Sure thing!
I actually have your bodies right here!
Nothing gross!
I've actually been using them as a sofa.
[zapping]
Aww, I kinda miss having two heads.
Guys, I hate to say it, I kinda miss the worm leash.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
Where's Klaus?
KLAUS: Wazzup!
Bye! Have a beautiful time!