[instrumental music]
[crickets chirping]
I don't know why
but this painting always makes me laugh.
Punch? Judy? Wrap it up.
It'll look nice in the bathroom.
(Batgirl) 'Bathroom?'
[handcuffs clicks]
I consider the bathroom
more of a library than art gallery.
[growls]
Judy!
Huh-uhh!
Unh-uhh!
Someone should frame that move
because it was a masterpiece.
The kids are here
but where's the den mother?
Huh?
Hey! Whoa!
Have you seen my latest piece?
It's called bat-bits on canvas.
Ha, ha, ha!
[explosion]
[theme music]
vroom
[Batclaw fires]
screech
boom
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[explosion]
[gasping]
Unh!
beep beep beep
Oops! Gotta run.
Ha, ha, ha!
Ah-ha, ha, ha!
Don't look at me like that. I'm going to be late!
vroom
[explosion]
Ahh-ha ha ha!
[police radio chatter]
[siren wails]
Looks like Joker's gonna need some new goons.
See if you two can pick up his trail.
I'll join you shortly.
Where are you going?
I have to deal with a whole other kind of craziness.
[Batclaw fires]
Hurry, hurry! Can't miss it!
- Yes! - 'Here's Harley!'
[audience cheers]
Mwah! Hiya, folks.
Time for an hour of love and laughter with me
Dr. Harleen Quinzel.
[cheering]
With Valentine's Day right around the corner
Harley's here with helpful advice.
Talk to me.
(male #1) 'Uh, hi, Harley.'
'Uh, there's this girl I like--'
Three words, Romeo.
Flowers, flowers, flowers.
And never take "No" for an answer.
Have a good 'un, puddin'.
What's your query, deary?
(female #1) 'Dr. Quinzel, last week'
'you told a girl named Monica'
'to ignore her parent's wishes'
'and go out with a guy named Stan.'
I remember. Two sweet, crazy kids in love.
- 'I'm Monica's mother!' - Ehh!
'Where do you come off telling her..'
Umm, heh, sorry, folks.
Just some nutcase.
[whispering] I told you to screen those calls.
We'll be right back.
Think loving thoughts.
Pop psychology at its worst.
That girl's theories are unfounded.
Her professional manner's a joke.
And her training, if any, is shoddy at best.
I love this show!
The girl's more screw-loose than me!
Oh, Jimmy Herbert, Network Bigwig.
What brings you to the set today?
Let me guess. In search of fashion advice?
Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?
Are you questioning me?
Everyone who has an online degree
in psychology, please raise your hand.
Oh, okay.
Then, how about we let the professionals
do their job. Alright, hon?
This show is supposed to help people.
You've turned it into a circus.
I know!
And you wanna talk circus?
Wait till you see my Valentine's Day special.
Look. There won't be a Valentine's Day
special if you keep this--
Oopsies! Gotta get back.
Latersville.
Welcome back. I've got a real treat for you.
'An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one'
'with Gotham's most elusive bachelor..'
...Bruce Wayne!
[applause]
Mmm, what's cookin', good-lookin'?
- Well, Dr. Quinzel-- - Ah!
- Oof. Uhh! - Call me Harley.
- Everyone does. - Okay, Harley.
I'd like to talk about the Wayne Foundation's
Charity Drive for crime victims.
Oh, civic-minded, too.
But let's talk about your love life.
Now, Harley. You promised I'd have a chance to promote
the charity drive.
[snoring]
We want the juice, Bruce.
This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne!
[cheering]
[alarm ringing]
[glass shatters]
- Uh-oh. - Bruce?
Oh, yeah.
You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucey?
[audience jeering]
Uucch!
Well, she remembers you
and she's dishing the dirt!
[audience jeering]
He-heh.
He's faced some pretty nasty sneak-attacks
but nothing like this.
We have to save him.
It's too late, Robin.
There's nothing we can do.
So we're having a nice dinner, and suddenly, he's all
"I have to see to some important business."
Out Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check.
[audience boos]
[sobbing]
Oh, terrible.
Just terrible.
[giggling]
About time someone stuck it to that rich oaf.
How about we take some calls now?
[cellphone dials]
Hi-hi, you're on "Heart-to-heart with Harley."
(Joker as Mr. J) 'Evening, Harley. Mr. J here.'
'Frequent watcher, frequent caller.'
'Great show tonight!'
Mr. J, my favorite caller.
Nice to hear from you again.
Well, I just wanted to say men like Bruce Wayne
deserve to be baked into a giant pie
and then launched into the side of a building.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
[giggling]
Gotta say, your mind works in interesting ways, Mr. J.
I've had enough of this. I'm outta here.
Uh-oh. Hey!
Hold your horses, Brucey.
We're not done yet.
Oh, yes, you are. I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.
Neither this woman nor this show
will ever trouble you again.
You're no psychologist. You're a joke.
- But-- - 'You're off the air!'
Wha.. No!
Oh, the poor kid! Yanked in mid-show.
She'll be an emotional wreck!
Someone should take advantage of that.
Face it, Harley.
No one's ever gonna take you seriously
as a psychologist.
They just can't see past my playful exterior.
Story of my life.
[doorbell rings]
- Hello? - 'Dr. Quinzel?'
(Joker) 'Forgive the intrusion, but I just had to meet you.'
'I'm your number-one fan.'
I'm Mr. J.
Huh?
Must admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to hang out.
Most ladies would find my lifestyle...eccentric.
Oh, I may act goofy on TV but I'm still a doctor.
Extreme personalities intrigue me.
'And an extreme personality like yours'
might be the ticket to getting back my old show
and maybe finally some respect.
Ohh.
So you're stringing old Mr. J along
just to write some tell-all book?
I'll split the profits with you 50-50.
Ahh-ha, ha, ha!
You've got moxie.
I feed moxie to the hyenas.
[whistles]
[chattering]
[growling]
[gasp]
Sit!
[whimpering]
You're good.
Now, what do you say we sit down and, you know
have a heart-to-heart with Harley.
Hmm.
Oh, where do I begin?
I guess for as long as I remember
I always wanted to make people laugh.
I see.
The neighbors say they saw the doctor
leave freely with Mr. J.
Wonder what he could want with her.
He saw a vulnerable person he could manipulate.
Someone good for a few laughs, until he got bored.
And join us again next week
when Batman analyzes the Freudian implications
of Penguin's umbrella.
[sniffles] It's bad enough the Network said
I wasn't a real psychologist.
They said I was a joke.
I happen to like jokes.
Besides, there are worse names.
I know. I've been called them.
Guess we have a few things in common, huh?
You know what two sad sacks like us need?
A night on the town!
I don't know. That seems awfully unprofessional.
Consider it research for your book.
But what if--
You're seen associating with
a certified criminal whack-job?
A costume!
That way, no one will know it's you.
Ha, ha!
bling
(Joker) 'Harleen Quinzel becomes'
'Harley Quinn!'
bling
[whistles]
[pants]
[dramatic music]
♪ Comb your hair and paint and powder ♪
♪ You act proud and I'll act prouder ♪
♪ You sing loud and I'll sing louder ♪
♪ Tonight we're setting the woods on fire ♪
♪ You're my gal and I'm your feller ♪
♪ Dressed up in your frock of yeller ♪
♪ I look swell but you look sweller ♪
♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪
♪ We'll take in all the honky-tonks ♪
♪ Tonight we're havin' fun ♪
♪ We'll show the folks a brand-new dance ♪
♪ That never has been done ha ♪
♪ I don't care who thinks we're silly ♪
♪ You be Daffy and I'll be Dilly ♪
♪ We'll order up two bowls of jelly ♪
♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪
♪ La-la la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la la la ♪
Ha, ha, ha!
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la la ha ♪
♪ I don't care who thinks we're silly ♪
♪ You be Daffy and I'll be Dilly ♪
♪ We'll order up two bowls of jelly ♪
♪ Settin' the woods on fire ♪
[laughing]
No riders!
[tires screeching]
Ooh!
Ha, ha, ha!
Aaa-h-h-h!
[Batclaw fires]
- Ha, ha, ha! - Aah-h-h!
Huh? What was that?
Hi, folks. Don't mind us.
Aah!
Some fun, eh, kid?
Has anyone ever survived a night out with you?
There's a first time for everything.
Leave him alone!
Uhh. Aah!
Unh!
(Batman) 'Dr. Quinzel?'
Call me Harley Quinn.
What are you doing?
- 'Joker's a psychopath.' - Huh?
Better than what you are. A third wheel.
Huh.
Hold this for me, will you? Thanks.
- Aah! - Aah-ahh!
Here's our floor!
Hu-ahh!
Aa-h-h!
Fear not. Salvation is at hand.
Aa-h-h-h!
(Joker) A little trick I borrowed from Penguin.
Remind me to send him a fish.
[explosion]
Ahh-ha ha ha ha!
[breathing heavily]
Authorities are at a loss to explain
how the diamond was stolen from the high-security vault
and a police investigation is underway.
'In other news, there is still no official word'
'on the bizarre transformation of Dr. Harleen Quinzel.'
Huh?
According to eyewitness accounts
the doctor has been sporting a new look
while keeping time with Gotham's most wanted wacko.
Noted TV psychologist Elliott Blaine
offered this observation.
It's no surprise that Dr. Quinzel jumped the track.
She was a sad, needy person
who tried to fill the void in her own soul
by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others.
What?
I'll have a full profile
of Dr. Quinzel tonight on my prime-time special.
Ar-r-r-h-h-h!
Unh! You big phony!
That was supposed to be my Valentine's special!
Unh!
Happy Valentine's Day, kid.
I brought you something.
What?
bling
Pretty.
Aww, I wanted to give you a present
for all the fun we've been having.
What is it that you want?
Unh! That's what I want?
To get even with those jerks.
I was trying to help people, and now I'm the bad guy?
More of an accomplice, actually.
Unh!
They should all suffer.
Sounds like a hoot!
What we have with Harleen Quinzel
is a textbook case of a woman
deluded by a fantasy image of herself
as a healer and caregiver.
(Harley) 'Hey, doc! I've got a text-bookcase for ya!'
Uhh!
[grunts]
[audience screaming]
Hi-hi, Gotham!
Harley's back, for a special farewell show.
Unh!
[screaming]
[explosion]
[growling]
[gasping]
(Joker) 'Yoo-hoo.'
Keep your seats, people.
The little lady's just warming up.
Aww, that's right, puddin'.
I'm going to set the record straight
then finish my broadcasting career with a big bang.
- Let's go. - What?
We can't wait for the commercial?
[bats squealing]
So, you didn't like my show?
Well, try this one.
[whistles]
[growling]
"When Animals Attack People I Hate."
It's a comedy.
[chattering]
Huh! Hah!
You're cancelled. Again.
Ar-r-r-r.
[acid sizzling]
Huh!
Aww, thanks, sweetie.
Now drag her outside and Joker gas her or something.
You ordering me around?
Don't go too far.
I've indulged you only because it amused me.
Yes, sir.
Hee, hee, hee. You little imp.
I could never stay mad at you.
[giggling]
Uh-oh.
- Ugh! - Aah!
Uhh, uhh. Ah!
- Uhh. - Uhh.
Rr-r-r-r!
- Uhh. - Don't move.
Very funny.
Unh! Aah!
You bats won't pull the plug on my special.
[explosion]
[screaming]
What have you done?
They sent me down in flames.
So I'm returning the favor.
Ehh-ha, ha, ha!
There are three more bombs
planted around this building.
Once they go, all Gotham broadcasting
comes tumblin' down!
Show the man, Harley!
Ahh!
Not gonna happen.
Uh-unh.
Unh.
Ya-a-h-h!
[explosions]
I'm okay. Help the audience.
Unh!
[screaming]
Unh.
[explosion]
This way, people.
Time to make tracks, boys.
[whistling]
[hyena chattering]
So long, little Harley Quinn.
It's been fun!
[metal creaking]
[giggling]
[clattering]
[sirens wailing]
The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He never has, and he never will.
You'd think a psychologist would know better.
Huh?
[squeals] Ha, ha, ha!
[giggling continues]
[laughter]
[theme music]