(THEME MUSIC)
Hello.
Most of us remember our first teenage relationships. Hello.
Most of us remember our first teenage relationships.
They can be exciting, confusing, exhilarating,
sometimes heartbreaking.
They're an important part of growing up.
Sadly, though, police are seeing
more instances of young people coming forward
to report relationships marked by coercive control and assault.
When Anna Coutts-Trotter first told her mother,
the Federal Environment Minister, Tanya Plibersek,
what was going on in her relationship,
it was the beginning of both the family's biggest test
it was the beginning and a passionate new cause for Anna.
Wow! It's so profesh.
Brenda, come look at how professional we are.
Take it all in.
The last few years has definitely been a bit of a juggle.
I'm most excited about the food!
But even though it's really hard
and it can be really retraumatising,
I...I want to be able to use my voice to make changes.
I still have, like, 10 more to write, but not tonight.
Not tonight.
Presents with us.
Another hamper?!
Anna is incredibly motivated.
She's great at motivating the team.
She's great at getting things done.
She's great at helping people.
Hey! Hey!
How are you? Good!
So good to see you. Thanks for coming.
Anna wants to ensure that not one more person experiences
Anna wants to ensure that even a tenth of what she had to.
That's right. Just do, um, ankles up.
Yes. Keep going.
(LAUGHS)
Anna has taken something chaotic (LAUGHS)
Anna has taken something chaotic and hurtful and meaningless
Anna has taken something chaotic and terrible for her...
Hello, darling.
..and turned it into something positive and remarkable.
But for that, this whole thing, I think,
would have fractured our family.
But because of that,
it has deepened the love we feel for each other.
TANYA PLIBERSEK: She told me some of the things
that had been happening to her in the relationship.
I mean, honestly, I wanted to kill him for hurting my child.
It's no surprise it could happen to our daughter.
It can happen to anyone.
Let's see what a good cook you are. OK.
Would be good if you come every... every day and cook for me.
The last few years have been really tough on my family
and they've been really, really supportive.
Is that thin enough?
And you've got to put some oil on your fingers.
I'm very, very close with my family, And you've got to put some oil on your fingers.
I'm very, very close with my family,
particularly my brothers and my parents.
Anna, this is enough now.
Probably put a little bit of oil and do with your fingers, OK?
Probably put a little bit of oil My grandmother on my mum's side,
we still go and visit her very regularly.
we still go and visit her She loves to cook.
It looks good watching you do it, Ba.
Michael and I both really value
having those close Michael and I both really value
having those close family relationships.
And if you can cut a little bit off the end,
And if you can cut that will keep them fresh longer.
No, no, not that much. Just take that will keep them fresh longer.
No, no, not that much. Just take about a... two centimetres.
No, no, not that much. Just take Perfect.
No, I should have put some walnuts in...
MICHAEL: Undo it and do it again.
You are... What's wrong with you?
(CHUCKLES) No, no, it's fine.
Are you giving Ba some direction on her strudel, Dad?
Are you giving Ba some direction Oh, that's a... Isn't that clever?
TANYA: Both of us work pretty long hours.
I'm away from home quite a lot of the year,
but we try and make sure that there are normal things, I'm away from home quite a lot of the year,
but we try and make sure that there are normal things,
but we try and make sure um, for the kids to look forward to.
I think I've got a close relationship
with all three of the kids.
Anna and I are very close.
There you go.
Oh!
When I was younger, I loved to go to work with Mum.
When I was younger, When I went to my first protest,
I was younger than a year old.
MICHAEL: Tanya was extraordinary.
She took all three kids with her to Canberra.
She took all three kids Yes. Oh, terrific.
Very excited about the new role, Yes. Oh, terrific.
Very excited about the new role, yes.
Very excited about the new role, JULIA GILLARD: Your Excellency,
I present the Honourable Tanya Joan Plibersek MP,
to be Minister for Human Services and Minister for Social Inclusion.
to be Minister for Human Services My parents have always instilled
a sense of social justice principles My parents have always instilled
a sense of social justice principles in me from a very young age,
a sense of social justice principles and I've always been really aware
of the world around me and the people in it.
WOMAN: Ms Plibersek, can we get a photo with your family,
WOMAN: Ms Plibersek, if that's OK?
Just all nice and close.
TANYA: We've raised our kids, I hope,
to be thoughtful, independent-minded, kind.
And I think Anna has that absolutely in spades.
I was Anna's teacher in high school for...for six years.
Anna had a really strong sense, always, of social justice.
She was actually awarded a... not only a principal's award,
She was actually awarded a... but a Department of Education award
in recognition of her service
at a local aged care facility.
She almost single-handedly ran an International Women's Day
She almost single-handedly at the school.
I loved being at high school.
When I started Year 10, everything I loved being at high school.
When I started Year 10, everything was going really well for me,
When I started Year 10, everything and towards the end of the year,
I started my first teenage relationship.
He was in another year at a different school.
The beginning of the relationship was great.
I felt loved.
I felt as though he cared about me.
MICHAEL: It didn't seem there was anything unusual
or remarkable about it.
The boy seemed... or remarkable about it.
The boy seemed...
..unremarkable.
There was nothing that really signalled great danger.
It was exactly what I thought relationships were at that age.
When we weren't texting, we were calling or FaceTiming.
I shared my location with him on my phone,
I shared my location with him so when I wasn't with him in person,
I was still constantly available to him.
MAN: At first, I didn't really think much of it,
but as things went on, sometimes she'd panic
if she realised she'd gone more than a couple of hours
without messaging him or letting him know what was happening.
And there was almost a fear without messaging him or letting him know what was happening.
And there was almost a fear
if she didn't check in.
of what would happen if she didn't check in.
I spent a lot of time at his house.
It became normal for me
that I needed to ask him for permission
that I needed to ask him to do things that I wanted to do,
or see people I wanted to see.
MICHAEL: A very broad, very social life
MICHAEL: A very broad, became much narrower
until finally she was really only socialising with...with one person.
When my parents would sort of push back and they would say,
"I'm worried about you. push back and they would say,
"I'm worried about you.
"I'm worried about, you know, this relationship that you're in",
I would spend more time with him. this relationship that you're in",
I would spend more time with him.
TANYA: She'd gone from being very close with us
TANYA: She'd gone from being to more distant, more secretive.
I don't think I really understood
what she was going through,
and she certainly didn't...
..um, tell me the...the details of what she was going through.
..um, tell me the...the details She told me she was unhappy.
I was experiencing violence in the relationship that I was in,
but I didn't want to worry my parents.
I thought that I had some kind of control over the situation.
I thought that, you know, this was a temporary thing
that would get better and everything would be OK.
that would get better And I didn't want to upset them.
When I looked at my peers,
what I saw was what I was experiencing very often.
what I saw was And so I kind of just thought,
"Maybe this is what And so I kind of just thought,
"Maybe this is what teenage relationships are like."
JAMES: Anna's story is definitely not uncommon.
You notice a culture around some young men
of feeling like they have a right to treat women in that sort of way.
I would make it very clear my views on the relationship
I would make it very clear and how unhealthy it seemed,
and sort of tried to steer her in the direction of ending it.
It really destroyed her self-confidence
and her sense of self-worth.
I told myself that I wasn't worthy
because he told me I wasn't worthy.
I started to control the way that I was eating
because I thought I could control the way I looked,
because that's what he was telling me about myself.
School was an escape for me.
But there are also times in school where I became really distressed.
KAREN: With Anna, I noticed a change in her, in her demeanour.
She withdrew a little bit in the classroom.
There was one occasion when I noticed her very upset.
I asked her what was wrong. There was one occasion when I noticed her very upset.
I asked her what was wrong.
She...she sort of brushed it off a little bit
as...as, you know, as teenagers often do,
and said that she was having some boy problems,
and said that but it was nothing, you know.
JAMES: As things went on,
it definitely got a lot more tumultuous.
I distinctly remember one evening her telling me about it definitely got a lot more tumultuous.
I distinctly remember one evening her telling me about
how, um, aggressive he could be. one evening her telling me about
how, um, aggressive he could be.
I experienced every kind of abuse imaginable.
The abuse became worse and it became more physical.
And there was a time towards the end of the relationship
where I knew that I needed to leave him.
I wanted to tell Mum and Dad what had happened
I wanted to tell Mum and Dad and what I'd experienced,
and I didn't know how to tell them.
I didn't know exactly and I didn't know how to tell them.
I didn't know exactly what I wanted them to know.
TANYA: It really wasn't until she and I were at dinner one night,
TANYA: It really wasn't until just the two of us, that she, uh,
told me some of the things that had been happening to her.
She was worried about my reaction.
She was worried about her father's reaction.
I remember being shocked
when she started to describe to me
some of the things that had happened in the relationship.
I probably kept some of how I was feeling from her,
because I didn't want her to be worried about upsetting me.
MICHAEL: I had a period, Tanya had a period, of just asking ourselves,
"What did we miss?
"What were the signs? "What did we miss?
"What were the signs?
"What could we have... what should we have picked up on?"
There were a collection of things, in retrospect,
that seem a lot more sinister now than they seemed at the time.
TANYA: I worked in domestic violence before I went into parliament.
Every experience of abuse is different,
but there are some real common threads.
He deliberately isolated her from her friends and from her family.
He deliberately isolated her from He made her excuse his behaviour.
He made it her responsibility how he behaved.
And I think that's clearly what was happening here.
Anna was making excuses for the behaviour.
She was making excuses for the bruising I saw on her.
She was making excuses I think that makes her typical
of most people who have a similar experience.
MICHAEL: As a parent, you want to protect your children.
And as a father, particularly, you want to protect your daughter.
And as a father, particularly, The feeling of a parent
to hear from their child
that they've been terribly hurt by somebody else,
you just have an immense feeling of...of anger, of regret
and, inevitably, a feeling of failure as a parent,
and, inevitably, that there is something that is
a profound responsibility of a parent to a child,
which is to give them a safe home in which to grow up.
And it proved not to be a safe home.
Sometimes, you know, he hurt her here.
So...
Yeah, it was a terrible experience.
Both Mum and Dad had said to me, "How can we show up for you?
Both Mum and Dad had said to me, "How can we support you?"
I never felt, um, as though they didn't understand.
There was the question of whether or not I might report to the police,
and I was really concerned that they wouldn't believe me.
But I did end up speaking to the police,
But I did end up and the police were really helpful
in helping me identify what I'd experienced.
How's that job working itself up? Yeah, good.
Been a detective with the New South Wales Police for over 20 years.
Been a detective with the New South Really appreciate it. Thanks.
Police are increasingly seeing
instances of domestic and sexual abuse Police are increasingly seeing
instances of domestic and sexual abuse
in the context of teen relationships.
Young people are increasingly being exposed to adult concepts
Young people are increasingly at an earlier age.
We know that domestic family and sexual violence is under-reported
as a crime-type generally,
and it's even more so the case
when we're dealing with younger persons.
I think that because I was so young,
it was really hard for me
to identify with the idea of it being domestic violence.
When I thought of domestic violence, like many other people,
I thought about marriages, When I thought of domestic violence, like many other people,
I thought about marriages,
thought about mortgages, I thought about children,
I thought about people who were a lot older than me.
TOM: One of the greatest challenges they face is speaking up.
TOM: One of the greatest challenges We certainly encourage
those survivors that want to make a complaint to do so.
But the decision to engage with the criminal justice system
But the decision to engage is a significant one,
and to some extent involves jumping into the unknown.
Even though I was still terrified
and really uncertain of what it would look like,
I did still decide to report and go to court.
I thought it was an incredibly courageous thing to do,
I thought it was an incredibly and I know that her whole motivation
was to stop him hurting other people.
The lead-up to court was horrible.
It wasn't only hard for me, The lead-up to court was horrible.
It wasn't only hard for me, it was also really hard for my family
and it was causing a lot of distress in my family,
and it was causing a lot of distress particularly to my parents.
You know, it was the first time that I'd seen my dad cry.
It was an incredibly complex emotional experience for her.
It was an incredibly complex And so we worried a lot
that she would feel this responsibility
that she would feel for the feelings in the whole family
and that anger, that...that pain...
..that sadness...
..it's not her responsibility.
It was the responsibility of the person who hurt her.
For this long period of time, while I was waiting for court to start...
..the police had told me very clearly
that I wasn't allowed to have conversations
with my family and friends who may be called as witnesses.
And so, living in the one house but not able to discuss
this enormous thing that's happening for our child, And so, living in the one house but not able to discuss
this enormous thing that's happening for our child,
and knowing, you know,
that somewhere someone is coaching the defendant,
that somewhere someone uh, it's a...it's a...
It's an isolating and unequal relationship.
I felt like I had nobody who understood what I was going through.
I felt completely alone in the process.
This huge thing is happening to me and I don't know what to expect
and I don't know how I'm going to survive it.
If you can find good things in this whole experience,
one of the best things that happened for Anna
was she met another young woman, called Bek.
A couple days before court started,
I went to court and I really wanted to familiarise myself
I went to court and I really wanted with what it would look like.
I wanted to know where will he be sitting?
Where would I be sitting?
I was sitting outside my courtroom Where would I be sitting?
I was sitting outside my courtroom
as the court was taking place for the trial against my perpetrator,
and I noticed another younger girl sitting also outside the courtroom,
which was unusual that there was someone else hanging around.
So she was very anxious, and she began to ask me questions
about the experience that I'd had up until this point.
Bek and I spoke for a few hours
about what to expect Bek and I spoke for a few hours
about what to expect in the court process
but she also spent so much time just supporting me
and telling me that she knew exactly how it felt
and telling me that she knew to be sitting there in my position.
I felt like she knew me at that time
the best that anybody in my life knew me.
I think our conversations and our solidarity
gave her the courage to be able to walk through
gave her the courage to be able what she was about to walk through.
On the first day of the trial,
Anna was incredibly nervous
and Tanya and I were...
..deeply worried about what the experience would be like.
The irony was that the job I held at that time gave me,
as the head of the Department of Communities and Justice,
administrative responsibility for supporting the court system.
So I thought I knew about it
but the experience of it
is immensely frustrating on occasions.
It feels like it's not a fair fight.
I think if I had known
how incredibly difficult the process would have been,
I would have begged her not to do it. It's...
..excoriating. It's, um...
I mean, I gave evidence for three hours
and I came home and was shattered for the rest of the day.
and I came home and was shattered I... It was...
..emotionally exhausting in a way that took a toll physically.
I've never experienced anything like that before.
I've never experienced She gave evidence for three days.
I don't know how she did it.
I felt as though I was on trial.
I felt as though everything I'd done,
all the ways that I had responded, that were natural to me
all the ways that I had responded, and natural to many other survivors,
were being used against me.
The fact that I hadn't told people straightaway,
the way I maintained contact with him,
the way I maintained contact they were all used against me.
I honestly couldn't believe that,
you know, in this day and age,
there were still questions about what she was wearing
and how she was behaving, what she'd had to drink.
and how she was behaving, The implication that she was lying,
the implication that she had a, you know, something to gain
from this horrific experience of going to court.
I understand the process and I understand why it is the way it is
but it feels from the side of the person who is making the complaint,
who is the victim survivor and their family,
that you're playing by the rules - who is the victim survivor and their family,
that you're playing by the rules -
and it's important, the rules matter -
and the prosecution is there to uphold the law.
But the defence is there to use anything and everything
to discredit the character, the truthfulness...
..the believability of someone you love
and you know as a person of honesty and integrity.
I was at home when I heard the verdicts
and I immediately called my parents.
They were both home within 15 minutes and I was in my bed,
They were both home within incredibly distressed,
and they both jumped into bed with me and just held me.
And I just cried for a really long time.
Maybe it's unrealistic to expect a court result
Maybe it's unrealistic to expect to somehow put things right.
But there is this sense of satisfaction...
..that there is consequence for the person who's hurt someone you love,
and that that is something that will stick with them
and that that is something through life
and that will be known about them.
I was at university while I went through trial
and I'm studying a Bachelor of Arts in Social Work
and I decided to study some criminology classes.
WOMAN: I was teaching a class in criminology.
WOMAN: I was teaching a class in It was about society and punishment.
So yeah, punishment in the legal system.
I was concerned that maybe some of the content in the class
could be a bit distressing, or even just uncomfortable for me.
She sent me an email just to let me know that she's a survivor. could be a bit distressing, or even just uncomfortable for me.
She sent me an email just to let me know that she's a survivor.
It gave me the opportunity also then, um, sort of reach out to her
and say, "Hey, actually, I completely get it.
and say, "Hey, actually, "I understand because me too."
How are you going? Good. How are you?
We organised to meet one day
just because we wanted to sort of connect.
just because we wanted to sort of ..lot of assignments right now?
Yeah. I've got one more essay to go ..lot of assignments right now?
Yeah. I've got one more essay to go and then I'll be done.
That's exciting. Yes.
I'd been through this horrendous experience, being a survivor,
being through the court system.
I thought that that class was really good
because I felt like it was a really human perspective
because I felt like it of people's experiences of crime.
So Brenda and I had this instant connection
where we could talk about what we'd experienced
and what we had in common and what had differed.
Both Anna and I, we both wanted to turn our experiences
into something positive, to be able to help other people,
because we also knew the value of that help and support.
We were talking in that conversation about supporting people
through the court process and supporting survivors in general.
And around that time, I also connected with others
and together, we formed the Survivor Hub.
and together, we formed Hey.
Hey, how are you?
The way you walked in. I know. Jazz hands.
How are you? Good. How are you?
Thanks for coming. Thank you for coming.
And so what we do is we run meet-ups, which are peer support groups,
and they're open to all survivors older than 16 years old.
And in meet-up, survivors can talk about anything.
Have you got some toys in your meet-up?
Have you got some toys Not yet.
Do you make a bad choice? I'm gonna take this one.
For some survivors, it will be the first time
they've really sat in the same room as another survivor.
So thanks, everybody, for coming to this meet-up.
Um, my name's Anna and I'll be facilitating the meet-up.
Hi everyone. My name's Harry. ALL: Hi, Harry.
I went to my first Survivor Hub meeting about two years ago now.
I went to my first Survivor Hub Being a man, I remember thinking,
"Am I even allowed to be here right now? Being a man, I remember thinking,
"Am I even allowed to be here right now?
"Am I even allowed to be here "What if no-one likes me?"
But as soon as I walked in and decided to take that chance,
it was just...
..a feeling of being understood.
And I think if you're in this cold, dark room with this professional
that doesn't...has no empathy towards you, it's just not the same.
But coming into a room of people that have that lived experience
and know exactly what you're talking about...
..that's, um, that's like striking gold.
You can't replicate that. Yeah.
I remember going to counsellor after counsellor after counsellor,
therapists, psychologists, whatever it was,
and just feeling like it was so clinical.
I was like the first counsellor I saw, I told them what happened
I was like the first counsellor and like how I was feeling
and she suggested, like, I went on a run.
And I was like, "Yeah, no, not for me."
And then I was like, "Yeah, so therapy doesn't work for me."
And then I didn't go back for, like, another six or so months
until I worked out that, like, "Ah, there's like services FOR me."
Every survivor I come across, they articulate something
that I've been trying to say for years and years and years.
I really invalidated myself because of my age as well.
So I was like, "Oh, no, like those services aren't for me."
And also like, "Oh, am I taking up space from other survivors?"
Some people would be surprised if they haven't been to a meet-up before
to know how joyful it is to be in a meet-up.
WOMAN: Could be 6 to 12 months between dates. (LAUGHS)
Or if they leave! Then they lose interest.
We have just had an overwhelming response.
Over the past 12 months, we've had more than 800 people
Over the past 12 months, register for our meet-ups.
Sometimes you go through register for our meet-ups.
Sometimes you go through the court process
and the defence attorneys end up being the ones
that you have more nightmares about than the actual perpetrator.
that you have more nightmares about Um, yeah...
So often unfortunately. Yeah.
It's nice when you find someone who is cross-examined by the same person.
It's nice when you find someone who Yes!
At the moment, it's Brenda and I that run the Survivor Hub together
At the moment, it's Brenda and I full time.
We do it on a volunteer basis
and we have some incredible We do it on a volunteer basis
and we have some incredible volunteers who support us.
Thank you.
But we've really overstretched.
So last year in the attempt to raise funds,
So last year in the attempt we held a second birthday party.
I've added them in the bottom we held a second birthday party.
I've added them in the bottom of the speech...
And the goal of the fundraiser was to really raise some money
so that we can fund our existing meet-up locations,
but also because we have some new locations opening.
but also because we have (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I had to rush over and say hello!
Yeah, that was a great event. Yeah. It was. Yeah.
Yeah, that was a great event. Same thing, same thing.
MICHAEL: I've organised a few events myself
and I just appreciated the hustle of it,
actually putting that together.
WOMAN: One of our co-founders' and directors' mothers. So...
WOMAN: One of our co-founders' (APPLAUSE)
I wanna say how amazing it is to be here tonight.
I want to acknowledge the co-founders -
I want to acknowledge Brenda, Gemma, Erin
and my little baby Anna.
Um, and... (APPLAUSE)
BRENDA: I know it meant a lot to Anna
to have her mum speak at the fundraiser.
There's nothing harder for a parent to hear
that your child has been hurt sometime more than once.
that your child has been hurt It affects a whole family -
siblings, family, friends, grandparents.
Anna's mum spoke really beautifully about the impact
Anna's mum spoke really beautifully of supporting a survivor.
Well, the thing I know helped me was talking to other parents.
The thing that I saw helped Anna the most
The thing that I saw helped Anna was talking to other survivors.
I feel like the best thing I can do
is help my daughter help herself and help other people.
Thanks, Mum. (LAUGHTER)
MICHAEL: We didn't stop her being hurt, but...
..it looks like we've given her...
..some of the qualities that she needs to get through it.
And, you know, that's... that's of some comfort.
And, you know, that's... (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Thank you. Thanks for taking it.
Hey, congrats.
In some ways,
this has probably brought us closer together as a family.
There is no way that I would have been able to go through it
There is no way that I would without their support.
I'm in my final year of university
and I'm doing my final placement in Broken Hill,
and I'm doing my final placement working predominantly with survivors.
I'll also be there, co-facilitating the Survivor Hub meet-ups,
which we only established a few months ago.
It's about a 13-hour drive.
I expect that she'll end up working
in the area of sexual assault or domestic violence
as a social worker.
I worry sometimes that it's such a big part of her life.
I feel like at 23,
she should be able to be more carefree than she is.
But however much I worry as a mother,
as a woman, I admire what she's doing.
In the future, whatever role I end up in,
I'll always be in a role where I'm working with people,
supporting people,
and I hope that I can stay working with survivors
for the rest of my career or for a very, very long time.
My hope is that she continues to recover from this,
and my hope is that as her life gets larger and larger
and my hope is that as her life and fuller and fuller,
this bit of it just gets smaller and smaller and smaller
this bit of it just gets smaller until yes, it happened,
yes, much good has come from it,
but it's just one element
of a rich and fulfilling life.
Captions by Red Bee Media
Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation