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Previously on Desperate Housewives...
I left Morty.
Susan's mother made quite an impression.
Bre made a secret commitment.
- He's not gonna let us be friends. - Who says he has to know?
Gabrielle made a discovery.
I am pregnant and it's all your fault.
Tom made a mistake.
You hire your old girlfriend and you don't tell me?
And Susan made an appointment...
- Do you think you can help? ...with trouble.
I know I can.
When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic.
She was also hopelessly naive,
which is how she came to be married four times.
The first time to a man who liked to gamble.
The second time to a man who liked to drink.
The third time to a man who liked other men.
And the fourth time to the same man she married the second time.
Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken.
So she decided she would never get married again.
And then one night...
- [man shouts] Sophie! ...she had a visitor.
Sophie!
Morty, what are you doing?
[Slurring] l-l-I need to talk to Sophie.
Now? Are you drunk?
Uh... just a little.
H-how are you, Susie?
I've got... I've got to speak to uh... to Sophie.
[Susan] Are you crazy? It's 1:00 in the morning.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
- What? - Well, I thought I could be happy.
The restaurant is starting to make money.
I just bought a new jet ski.
My cholesterol is down.
But none of it's any fun without her.
Oh, Morty. I just don't think it's going to happen.
She's moved on. Why don't you just sit down? I'm gonna call you a cab.
- Sophie. - Your doctor told you not to drink.
Well, there are times when you need uh...
when you need liquid courage.
Oh! Oh!
[Giggles]
Did this ring belong to Dolores?
You gave her your dead wife's ring?
It's a three-carat diamond. She shouldn't care if it's used.
So what... What do you say, Soph?
- All right. - Really?
- Yeah.
[Whispers] But no... You've got to do it officially. You know...
Oh. Oh um...
Yeah. Oh um... Here.
Sophie, would you do me the honor of marrying me?
Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic.
On one condition. Tomorrow we trade this in for a ring of my own.
And I want a bigger diamond than Dolores got.
But she was no longer naive.
Marriage is a simple concept.
Basically, it's a contract betwen two people
that binds them together for life
in the hopes that they can live happily ever after.
Sadly, some contracts... are made to be broken.
- I didn't mess with your birth control. - Really?
Really.
Look. It's been pulled apart and put back together.
- It's probably a manufacturing defect. - You can still see the glue marks.
I'm telling you, I didn't do it.
Don't insult me, Carlos.
You've been whining about wanting a baby for months.
Who else would it have been?
I don't...
- Oh, no. - What?
- Mama. - Oh, please.
It's possible. You buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right?
Yeah. So?
Before the accident, I told her how much I wanted to have a child.
She said that she would take care of it.
I just thought that she would talk to you.
Baby, I am so sorry.
That bitch.
I can't believe her.
I loved her but even I had issues sometimes.
She could be very controlling.
Reaching out from the grave to screw with me.
God, she's good.
Where are you going?
I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on.
I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits.
I'm gonna be home late tonight.
Peterson wants to take us out for drinks.
Oh, that's fine. Uh...
I wanted to talk to you about something.
- What? - [Car horn beeps]
Oh, that's your car pool.
You gotta go. Never mind.
- Lynette, what is it? - It's nothing.
OK.
It's just...
We haven't had sex in ten days. The longest we've ever gone before is nine.
- [Car horn] - Didn't we do it last Thursday?
We started to but then... you fell asleep.
Is this why you're so worried? We can do it tonight if you want to.
- Whatever. - No, I've got ten days pent up in me.
We are doing it tonight.
- You have nothing to worry about, OK? - [Knock on door]
Oh, crap. I forgot my briefcase.
Can you tell them I'll be right there?
Sure.
- Oh. - Hey, Lynette.
- Hey. - So is Tom almost ready?
Yeah, he's just getting his briefcase.
[Phone beps]
Sorry.
It's OK.
- Bye. - Bye.
I got it. I got it.
Thank you for having me.
I'm gonna miss you both so much.
Us too. The house will feel just empty without you.
- Can't you guys stay a little longer? - No, no, no.
They wanna get their new life started.
We don't wanna hold these crazy kids back.
[Both laugh]
Bye, Morty.
Uh... listen, I hope it's OK
but your mom told me some of the stuff that you've been going through,
you know, with the plumber guy across the street.
- She did, huh? - Yeah. Um...
Don't give up on him.
I mean, if I'd given up, I wouldn't be here now with this lovely lady.
Did she tell you that he served time in prison for manslaughter?
No, she left that part out.
I don't suppose she told you he was a drug dealer.
I don't recall that.
Will you stop? You don't know the whole story.
- Mother... - I told him how much you love him.
What? What were you thinking?
- What did he say? - Yeah, what did he say?
I think I walked in on him at a very bad time.
Someone close to him had just died.
- Oh, God. Really? - He could use a shoulder to cry on.
Can I have one more hug? Please. I can't stand it.
Mm. Oh, George. You have got to taste this.
- A little messy but... - I can't wait.
Mm. Is that fennel seed? It's fantastic?
I don't know, but anything that good has got to be sinful.
Isn't this fun trying different dishes and opening up to new experiences?
Rex just hates these cooks tours.
He likes to stay at home with a plate of spaghetti and a mug of root beer.
Mm.
So how about this marinara sauce? I think it's the best I've ever had.
I had one better but that was in Italy.
- You've been to Italy? - Mm-hm.
Rex and I took a vacation there right before the kids were born.
We had so much fun in those first few years.
Guess it was just easier to be happy back then.
I don't know why I just said that. No more wine for me.
Maybe we should go to Italy.
- What? - Wouldn't that be a hoot?
All those museums and cathedrals and trattorias.
- We could just make pigs of ourselves. - I can't go on a trip with you, George.
Why not?
I'm married. People would talk.
- Right. I'm sorry. It was a bad idea. - Don't worry about it.
Here. Try one of these clams. I bet they're as good as the marinara sauce.
Mm.
You are absolutely right.
If it's that good, it's just got to be sinful.
OK, boys. It's 7:00.
- It's time for bed. Let's go. - Why do we have to go to bed so early?
I told you. Daddy and I have a special meeting tonight.
- Go on. - [Groaning]
I love you.
- Hi. - Whoa!
I'm sorry.
Hi. Whoa. All right. This is the tenth day.
Honey, give me a second to let the office wear off.
- OK. - OK, I'm in.
What are you thinking?
- I was wondering what that smell was. - Oh.
It's probably baby drool.
There. Now you have easier access.
- Whoo-hoo! - Incoming!
- What? - That smell really soaked through, huh?
Yes. It soaked through a little. That is the nature of baby throw-up.
Do you want me to wear a Hazmat suit?
No, I just like it when you're all clean and in your sexy clothes.
[Laughs] I don't own anything clean and sexy.
Everything is either covered in baby spit or chunks of melted crayon.
OK, I'm sorry.
You make me feel like I just got off the shrimp boat.
Honey, I said I'm sorry.
It's just that guys sometimes like it when women,
you know, put a little effort into things.
OK. Um...
Can we just go back to the kissing thing? Can we try that.
Fine.
[Baby cries]
- OK. Off. - [Boy] Oh, the baby's up!
Mom!
- [Crying continues] - Mom!
- Susan Mayer hired you? - I know. Huh.
She decided to stop poking around in your life and call me of all people.
Lucky for you, I've got the biggest ad in the phone book.
- What am I going to do? - Run.
- Pack up your kid and leave. - That's tricky.
My son doesn't want to move.
- He can be pretty insistent. - Huh.
Well, I can throw her off the scent for a while.
- Fine. - All right then.
Tell me exactly what it is you want this woman to believe.
She was born Angela,
but when she was a teenager she changed her name to Mary Alice.
The application says
that she was named after a relative that she no longer speaks to.
Now, here's her birth certificate
and her Utah petition for a legal name change.
- What about Dana? - There was a record of another child.
A girl. Dana Marie Young.
Died at 18 months, apparently from some kind of fall.
It was all true. Everything he said.
- How could I have been so wrong? - Well...
- I'm gonna need a check. - Oh. Of course.
Actually, before you go, I need you to check into someone else's background.
There's this plumber I know.
Hey. Did you get my messages?
Yeah, I didn't want to call you 'cause I wanted to talk to you in person.
I have some potentially upsetting news.
Come on, Mrs. Solis. You can tell me. I can handle it.
I'm pregnant and it might be yours.
I could barely afford my new dirt bike. How am I gonna handle child support?
We don't know for sure if it's yours, so relax.
- I didn't come to watch you freak out. - Why did you come?
- I want you to let me protect you. - From who?
Carlos, your parents.
John, something like this can ruin your life.
That's why you have to keep quiet about our affair.
There's no point in this catastrophe taking both of us down.
- Thank you. - Forget about it.
- I should have worn a condom. - Yeah. That would have been helpful.
You hired a private investigator?
I can't trust Mike and I want to find out what really happened.
From a source that doesn't have an agenda.
Now open it up.
OK. You ready?
Go.
- Stop! - What?
OK. If you find out something that's really bad,
just try to put a positive spin on it.
OK.
I have some good news and some bad news.
Give me the bad news first.
The guy Mike killed... was a cop.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
OK. Give me the good news.
- There is none. - What?
You told me to spin it!
Oh, forget it. Just let me look at it myself.
- I can't believe it. - What is it?
I know her.
What's going on here?
You two just won't stop, will you?
Deidre's dead. It doesn't matter who killed her.
- Just let it go. - It's not that easy, Kendra.
Why? My sister hated you. Both of you.
- She said so. - That was the drugs talking.
Right, right. The drugs.
Deidre humiliated this family and she threw our love back in our faces.
She couldn't have cared less.
- Are you done? - No.
I want to know what you're planning.
- We're just talking. - I don't believe you.
Then don't ask.
I don't want a new cardiologist but Lee's been conducting tests for weeks.
He should know what's wrong by now.
Honey, we socialize with them. What am I going to say to Helen?
All I know is, I've never felt worse, and I've got to do something.
Um... I uh... I have to talk to Edie.
Um... Bree, we're gonna be late.
Oh, it'll just take a second. I need to um... get a recipe.
- Edie. Hi. - Hi.
- I saw you at Fredo's yesterday. - Yeah, I saw you, too.
[Tuts] Naughty, naughty.
- I beg your pardon? - The guy.
The one you were spoon-feeding.
Not bad. A little petit for my taste, but I'm not the one sleeping with him.
This is exactly what I was afraid of. George and I are just friends.
Hey, I'm not judging you. I get it.
Rex was sticking it to that hooker housewife. It's payback time.
You have got the wrong idea. That man is my pharmacist.
You could have an affair with anyone. A pharmacist?
- You are such a Republican. - I am not having an affair.
George and I, we just talk.
He's a very good listener and I share my hopes and dreams with him,
and my innermost thoughts.
That's all there is to it and you have to believe me.
- OK. I believe you. - Thank you.
I'm glad we cleared this up.
I know it must have looked strange
and I didn't want you to think that I was cheating on my husband.
But you sort of are.
- Excuse me? - Well, come on, Bree.
You're telling him your innermost thoughts?
Your hopes? Your dreams?
Sex aside, you're pretty intimate with a guy that's not your husband.
Well, I mean, everybody needs someone to talk to.
[Car horn]
What's wrong with talking to Rex?
[Man] Please leave a message.
Hello, Zach? It's Felicia Tillman.
I do so enjoy our little visits
and I haven't seen you for a few days.
I hope everything's all right.
- Zach's not feeling well. - Oh. Paul.
And I don't think it's appropriate that he spends so much time at your house.
Made us some cocoa. How are you feeling?
I've felt awful for two days now.
Think I should see a doctor?
It's probably just a touch of the flu. We'll keep an eye on it.
It's this house, Zach. I feel it too.
It isn't healthy for us to stay here.
I told you. I'm not moving.
It would be for your own good.
You can't keep doing the kinds of things you're doing.
Susan Mayer's kitchen, for example. People are going to catch on.
Wouldn't it be great to start over somewhere in the country?
Could meet some new friends. Maybe even meet a new girl.
How about I let you sleep on it?
We'll talk about moving tomorrow.
The lack of passion in her marriage
had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette.
Then one day it occurred to her,
the best way to fight reality...
was with a little fantasy.
Of course, all the fantasy in the world won't do you any good...
if no one shows up to enjoy it.
I feel bad about putting you out like this, Tom.
You're not putting anybody out. You've been flying all day.
Why stay in some hotel?
I just hope you don't mind sleeping on the sofa.
Yeah. Sofa should be fine.
Hey, honey. Why don't you just... let the maid get that?
[Feigns laughter] Not funny, Tom.
Gary's showering. He asked if you could bring him a towel and your riding crop.
Come on!
No, I'm glad that you find my humiliation so entertaining.
Honey, you were wearing a French maid's costume.
I mean, come on. What were you thinking?
That our marriage was in trouble and one of us should try and save it.
Whoa. Since when is our marriage in trouble?
OK, so we haven't had sex for a few days. Big deal. It happens.
- [Car horn beeps] - Oh. That's Annabel. How ironic.
How is Annabel relevant to this conversation?
Because she comes to this house every morning to remind you of what I'm not.
- What? - She's the fantasy, Tom.
The hot woman that you work with every day
with her manicured nails and her designer outfits.
I am the reality.
The wife who never wears makeup and whose clothes smell like a hamper.
OK, this may be the stupidest thing you've ever said.
I used to be the fantasy.
There was a time when I didn't need a maid's outfit
because I knew I was enough for you.
Even wearing a smelly T-shirt.
And clearly, that's no longer the case.
OK, honey, I don't know what to say.
If there's a way for me to fix this, I will do it.
- Just tell me and I will do it. - No, there's nothing to fix.
We've changed. That's all I'm saying.
[Car horn beeps]
You ready?
You should go. You don't want to keep Annabel waiting.
Be careful with that. You'll give the baby heartburn.
I can't get it hot enough. My hormones are killing my taste buds.
You've been paying more attention to your food than you have to me.
I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother.
John, what are you doing here?
- I've been thinking about the baby. - Really? Why?
There's a chance that it's mine. I want to do the right thing.
No. No, no. Nobody expects you to do the right thing.
I figured you'd try to blow me off. That's why I'm going to Mr. Solis.
Are you crazy? He would kill us both.
He and I need to hash this out. Man to man.
- It's what's best for the baby. - John!
Are you gonna go get him or am I?
OK. You win.
Wait right here.
- Uh... don't get out. - Why?
Because I was going to get in.
Yeah. You see, pregnant women have very strong urges.
All right.
I'm gonna freshen up and I'll be right back.
- OK. - You sit.
Sit. I'm turning on some music.
[R&B music plays loudly]
Um... Carlos is unavailable at the moment.
- You're lying. - John, what are you doing?
- Mr. Solis! Mr. Solis, open up! - Stop it!
[Music plays]
What are you... John!
- Mrs. Solis, get out of the way. - What are you doing?
No!
Oh, my God!
[Music plays]
- Oh, God, it burns. - I'm sorry. It's just salsa.
- It feels like acid. - I've been finding it so bland.
- Mr. Solis! I need to talk to you! - John, shut up!
John, shut the hell up. Listen to me.
You are never gonna be the father of this baby.
No matter what the paternity tests say, it's Carlos' child.
- How can you say that? - Because Carlos can provide, John.
He will give this baby everything.
Piano lessons and summer camp and the best colleges.
He can raise this child the way a child deserves to be raised. You can't.
This isn't about money. This is about what's best for the baby.
If you want what's best for the baby, then you will help me.
Help me make sure this kid does not grow up poor like I did.
What's taking you...
Oh, hey, John.
What are you doing here?
Um... he...
Justin thinks the hydrangeas need replacing.
He wanted me to come by for a second opinion.
He's a good kid, but he's not half the gardener you were.
You should come back and work for us. You're practically family.
Thanks, Mr. Solis.
- [Doorbell] - Zach? Are you here?
I have to do this, dear. I know you'll forgive me.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Are the boys asleep? - Tucked in tight.
- And Penny? - Sound asleep.
OK, when this thing goes off, meet me in the bedroom.
- What are you... What is this... - Uh-uh. Wait till it goes off.
- [Timer rings] - All right. I'm coming in.
[Gasps] Oh, my God!
You want fantasy? I give you fantasy.
Oh!
Come to me, woman, and prepare to be boarded.
Please, will you make it fast? These things are just chafing.
I uh... I kinda like it.
Good. Kill the lights.
- No. - Please.
- Not turning off the lights. - Please.
No, no, no.
[Growls and purrs]
- [Knocking] - It's open.
Oh, Paul, it's you. I'm so glad. I have some papers I want you to look at.
- Where's my son? - Upstairs.
Sleeping off those tranquilizers you gave him.
I don't know what you're doing but I'm taking my son.
I am not my sister, Paul. You do not want to screw with me.
Martha kept a journal.
Every drab event of her drab life meticulously documented.
Including her discovery that you and your wife stole a baby.
A baby named Dana.
I'm sorry if the copies are hard to read.
I hid the originals in a safe place.
It seemed like a reasonable precaution, since you murdered Martha and all.
Would you like a cookie?
Suit yourself.
I have a little proposition for you.
These are the fantasies of a bored, Ionely woman. They prove nothing.
The only reason the police haven't caught you yet
is because they have no reason to suspect you.
But once they found that Martha was blackmailing Ange, sorry, Mary Alice...
- What is it you want? - The same thing you want.
For you to leave town, change your name,
and start your life over again somewhere far away from here.
If you're so sure, why don't you just turn me in?
Because Zach would never forgive me.
And it's important that we be on good terms,
seeing as how he's going to be living with me now.
- What? - Your bags are packed.
You're about to become a fugitive. Is that the life you want for your son?
The two of you spending every night in a different town?
No. You're a better father than that.
I can't just leave him.
You stole him so that he could have a better life.
That was a noble act, Paul. Truly.
And it's time for you to be noble again.
Can I at least say goodbye?
Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha?
Oh, hi. I'm looking for Kendra Taylor.
I'm sorry. You're gonna have to leave.
Oh. Oh, you don't understand.
See, I can't just drive away.
- Please get back in the car. - Look um... Bob.
- Let me try to explain. - In the car.
See, the thing is, this is maybe my last chance
to find out if I can be with the man I love.
- Ma'am... - And, Bob,
I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.
So I'm gonna walk up to that house and you're gonna let me.
And you know why?
Because behind that badge and that big, you-could-crush-me-like-a-fly chest,
there's a heart.
A heart that believes in love.
- Just get in the damn car. - It's not my fault you don't have love.
- Susan? - Hi, Kendra.
And despite all that's been laid out in front of me,
I can't help thinking there's more to the story.
- Does it sound stupid? - No, no, of course not.
Unfortunately, you've got the whole story right here.
But Mike's lawyer pleaded self-defense.
Delfino sold black-tar heroin to my daughter.
He killed the cop that tried to bust him, got convicted and did his time.
- End of story... - Dad...
She deserves to hear the truth, however awful.
I'm sorry, Miss Mayer. I really am.
I appreciate you talking to me.
What the hell was that?
If she knew the truth, she'd go running back to him.
She might talk him out of doing his job.
I can't risk that.
Just don't have the time.
Quick. Drive around the corner. We need to talk.
What do you think? I chose green so it will work
whether Gabrielle has a boy or a girl.
That's great.
What's the matter? You've been mopey all day.
I'm sorry. I'm just worried about the test results.
If I don't find out what's wrong with me, I'll lose my mind.
- Oh, honey. - You must get tired of me complaining.
No. No, not at all.
I think we should talk about it.
In fact, I think maybe we don't talk enough.
I guess.
Why don't we start doing things together again as a couple?
Mm-hm.
As soon as you're well enough, we should go on a vacation.
Take a trip. Go somewhere fun.
- Remember our trip to Italy? - Sort of.
Sort of?
You don't remember the glorious food and the gorgeous scenery and...
What I remember is sweating like a pig
and wishing we hadn't spent all our savings.
So where would you like to go?
It doesn't matter. You decide.
[Kendra] Mike wasn't a drug dealer.
- What? - Deidre was.
Mike, he kicked the habit early on.
But Deidre couldn't or didn't want to. I don't know.
Anyway, she spiraled out of control and was in and out of jail.
One day an undercover cop caught her using.
He forced her to trade sex for freedom.
Mike found out about it and he tried to put a stop to it.
He busted in on the two of them.
He... Well, the cop pulled a gun on him and Mike fought him off,
but they both went over the balcony.
Mike was the only one that got back up.
It was self-defense.
Yeah.
Mike went to jail trying to save my sister.
But he couldn't.
I knew he was good.
I just knew it.
Thank you.
The vow is simple, really.
Those who take it promise to stay together for better or for worse,
for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health.
To honor and to cherish.
Forsaking all others.
Until death do us part.
Yes, the vow is simple.
Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part.
But if we can,
that's when we begin to live happily ever after.