[Mary Alice] Previously on Desperate Housewives:
I'm granting you temporary custody
until we get a straight answer from the birth father.
Gabrielle got exactly what she wanted.
If Edie doesn't know, then that means you just cheated on her, with me!
Susan got fooled again.
I'm also a member of S.A.
And Bree got too much...
Sex Addicts Anonymous.
... information.
Karl Mayer didn't pray often.
But when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help
in breaking up with a woman
and to spare him the nasty drama
that usually accompanied such callous and unexpected departures.
Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women,
and not one of them had ever seen it coming.
Every retreat was always meticulously planned,
right down to the personalised stationary.
Hence, his record of successful getaways
from women who did not wanna see him go.
So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt,
Karl prayed to God yet again
to help him avoid all the unnecessary drama.
Unfortunately for Karl...
[alarm buzzing]
...God was in the mood... - [groans]
... to be entertained.
[engine sputtering]
Come on.
What the hell is this?
Edie, baby, calm down.
"Let's be honest with ourselves. We haven't been happy in a long time."
Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch?
I have been ecstatic!
OK. I'm the one who hasn't been happy then.
- Then why did you propose to me? - I don't know.
I told every woman in this town that we are getting married,
and all you have to say to me is, "I don't know"?
What do you want me to say?
- I'm sorry. - What's going on?
Is there someone else?
Oh, my God.
Oh, crap.
[engine sputtering]
Come on! Come on!
[engine starts]
[Mary Alice] As he sat there, Karl couldn't help but wonder
why God had forsaken him.
It never occurred to him that God...
... might be a woman.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
[Mary Alice] The members of the Fairview chapter of A.A.
ended every meeting with a prayer.
And while most were asking God for help in resisting temptation,
Bree Van De Kamp was busy thinking thoughts
that were downright sinful.
Amen. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. Amen.
I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices,
- it's just all so passionate. - [laughs]
Yeah, 300-pound sopranos seducing balding tenors.
- That'd be hot. - You making fun of me? Huh?
Bree...
Yes?
Maybe a little bit. [chuckles]
- What's going on here? - Claude?
We made plans. Remember?
I'm sorry. I was just about...
Yeah, I saw what you were just about to do.
I'm sorry, Peter, but who is this?
This is Claude. He's my sponsor.
Oh, your A.A. sponsor?
No. I'm his other sponsor.
For my sex addiction.
Oh.
Damn it, Peter. What did I tell you?
Avoid lust triggers.
- And what is she? - Come on, don't do this, man.
She's a lust trigger. A lust trigger!
Excuse me, I don't know what that means,
but could you please stop saying it?
Where's your chip? Give it to me.
Do you remember how low you'd sunk when we met?
This represents 12 months of hard work,
not giving in to your urges.
If you want to blow all that on this woman,
just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time working with you!
[chip clatters]
I don't want to blow it.
Good. Then tell the pretty lady goodbye
and that you can't socialise with her anymore.
And do it quick. I'm hungry.
- [phone ringing] - Bad news.
Ed wants us to push through tonight and finish the Edelstein Realty pitch.
We're not presenting for weeks. Why not start tomorrow?
How would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?
- What? - Oh, he's right.
I hear Ed fighting with Fran on the phone every day through the walls.
- That explains all our working hours. - You lucked out, Scavo.
Darlene talked him into cutting people with kids loose.
Great! Let's go before he changes his mind.
Doesn't include you, Senior VP.
- Ed wants you in the conference room. - You're kidding!
You're his security blanket. He stays, you stay.
[Tom] Jerry, can you help me get the kids?
Yeah.
- Thanks, Jer. - Sure.
[Lynette groans]
Lynette, get those mock-ups together, will you?
Jerry, I didn't know you had a kid.
Yeah. Um, out of wedlock.
Oh.
So see you in the morning.
- [door shuts] - I'm sorry I'm late.
- [Edie whimpering] - What's going on?
Karl broke up with Edie.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, apparently, he was seeing someone.
Really? Did he say who it was?
I know who she is.
She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho-bag!
No, he did not say.
When Karl dumped you, I thought that it was all your fault.
Yeah, I figured that...
...you were a nag or bad in bed.
But now I... Now I see that you were just a victim too.
We have a bond, Susan.
It's like we're sisters.
[chuckling] There's even a pretty one and an ugly one.
Edie!
Oh, I'm just saying that Karl screwed us both.
Yes. Like you wouldn't believe.
Guys, I'm all for bashing exes,
but let's save a little of our hate for his partner in crime, the other woman.
They're always coming up with excuses to justify being a home-wrecker.
"He wouldn't have been with me if he was getting it at home."
"You're the love of my life. She's just the runner-up."
Oh, look, the baby's doing something really cute.
- She's sleeping. - Like an angel.
Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog,
but if these tramps weren't laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down.
Every situation is different. It's hard to judge until we know all the details.
Which, obviously, I don't know, because how would I know?
She's a slutty, slutty whore. Absolutely.
Yeah.
[cooing]
You sure she needs that? I just put sunscreen on her.
Yes, she needs the bonnet. It completes the outfit.
Oh, for God sakes, Gabby.
She's never too young to start accessorising.
All the neighbours are out today,
and I want them to see how happy we are and wish they were us.
Hey. The baby's a beauty.
We think so, but we're a little biased.
[giggling]
Oh, wow. She's got my eyes.
Huh?
Oh, I'm Dale. Dale Helm. I'm the baby's birth father.
Oh, well, hi, Dale. Nice to meet you.
A lot of people have been looking for you.
I know. Lawyers and stuff.
I got kind of held up in Florida longer than I thought.
- Spring break, right? - Yeah.
Oh, man, we were wasted 24l7.
I got the message and just thought my friends were messing with me.
Those butt-wads!
- [clears throat] - Well, it's a good thing he's here.
We can take him to the lawyer's office,
and you can sign over full custody to us.
OK.
Yeah, uh, the thing about that is
I'm gonna want the baby.
Come on, you guys, we don't have to make this ugly.
You're trying to take our baby! How is it not gonna be ugly?
Keep walking, Gabby. Don't engage him.
Listen, Mr Solis...
You listen! We were granted custody. If you want her, you talk to the judge!
- What is the hold-up? - They told me I gotta talk to a judge.
- What are you doing, Frank? - It's his baby. Give it to him!
- Like hell! - Mrs Solis. Can I see the baby?
- No! - No!
Dale, just do it already!
- I'm not just gonna kidnap it. - They did!
It is your baby. Just take it!
Try it.
Frank...
[groans] Get in, you moron.
Looks like you're doing a good job with her.
- Dumb-ass! - She seems clean.
[Betty] Like I said, we have been very happy here,
and I'm sure you will be too.
- Well, we just love it. - Yeah.
Once the stairs are repaired, I'll show you the basement.
What's going on?
The house just sold.
Start packing.
Put Caleb in an institution. It's where he belongs.
My mom would never let strangers take care of him.
Call the police. Then it's not up to her.
If I call the police, my mom and I go to jail with Caleb.
We've been hiding a murderer.
Now, look, if we...
If we do move, I promise I will call you every day.
I don't need a phone buddy! I need a boyfriend!
- Would you calm down? - Don't tell me what to do!
You know, I could go to the police myself.
- Danielle! - I just... I love you so much,
I would do anything to keep you here.
Yeah, I see that now.
You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something.
Don't worry.
I will.
[computer rings]
[chuckling]
[laughs]
[gasps] Oh, my God!
[computer rings]
Ed, hey.
I am so sorry, but obviously, that was just meant for Tom's eyes only.
Honest mistake. Don't worry about it.
OK.
Thanks. Well, I'm gonna go back in my office
and continue to feel like a huge pervert.
At least you and Tom have a love life.
Well, we do the best we can, given the circumstances.
Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that department.
I don't wanna bore you with the details.
I appreciate that.
You know, Ed, I don't want to pry into your personal business,
but if you are having problems in that area,
you don't have to be resigned to it.
What are you suggesting? Hookers?
No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.
I mean, you and Fran could spice it up a bit.
You know, get the old juices flowing again.
Oh, I see.
Kind of like,
"I'd like to lick you from head to foot"?
[chuckles] OK, well, that wasn't my best work. But you can't deny results.
IMing works.
When I go home tonight, Tom and I are going to...
OK, I'm gonna be exhausted, so I'll probably just lay there.
But trust me, Tom is gonna go to town.
It's something to think about, Lord knows.
Know what the sad truth is? I have been thinking about hookers.
OK!
Uh... well, I hope that helped.
And I'm just gonna go back and finish so we can all get out of here.
[laughs]
[door opens]
Let me guess.
You're not here for a bear claw.
[chuckles] No, I'm not.
You're wasting your time.
Look, you don't have to worry about Peter. Not while he's with me.
Yeah? Why is that?
Because when it comes to sex, I have an unwavering moral compass.
Truly, a man could beg and plead all day long,
and it wouldn't make any difference.
So since I have such strong self-control,
there's really no reason for us to end our friendship.
The guy's a ticking bomb.
You have no idea, the kind of depravity that comes with this disease.
Waking up in a stranger's bed every morning,
cruising the park at night looking for somebody to get off with,
compulsive masturbation every chance you get!
For guys like Peter and me, there's no beauty in the sex.
It's an empty and ugly compulsion.
Well, I am sorry, but the Peter I know has a little more...
Hold up.
Claude, I need some... I need some help.
- What're you doing here? Are you using? - No.
But I bought a bag.
You're an embarrassment to me. Give.
There's a meeting over on Tenth Street. You go there.
You call me after.
- I'm sorry. - Get the hell out of my shop.
I'm also a sponsor at Cocaine Anonymous.
Well, aren't you the Renaissance man.
- Are we done here, princess? - Not yet.
You obviously have an encyclopaedic grasp of everything depraved,
but you don't have the slightest idea
about the power of a loving relationship.
[laughing]
This is all you are to Peter. Something to satisfy his addiction.
I think Peter is a better man than you do,
and I am not gonna let you keep us apart.
Try and stop me. Peter does everything I tell him to do.
That's the one thing you can depend on with addicts.
They're weak.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. May I ask you something?
Yes, ma'am.
If a citizen, an ordinary citizen, like myself,
knew of someone holding a significant amount of drugs,
what would my responsibilities be, you know, under the law?
What's all this?
This one, I got the day I found out Karl was doing it with his secretary.
You'll find this particularly helpful.
It's got a chapter called "Revenge: You're Only Hurting Yourself."
Yeah, I'm just really not into the whole reading thing.
Well, um, why don't we get you out of here?
Let's go see a feel-good movie.
Why are you being so nice to me?
Well, I just wanna help. So how about that movie?
You know how I like to heal?
I get hammered.
Uh... well, um...
...then I should go and let you get started with that.
You really wanna help me?
Good. Cos I'm gonna need a designated driver.
Oh. Uh...
OK.
How could he be arrested for cocaine possession? Claude swore he was clean.
It's just awful, isn't it?
You never know what people are doing behind your back.
Would you like some milk with your cookies?
Thanks.
It's just... he was the best sponsor I've ever had,
and I don't know what I'm gonna do now.
Well, I have been doing some thinking, and here's a thought:
Why don't I be your sponsor?
[laughs] You gotta be kidding.
You don't know squat about sex addiction.
Well, cravings are cravings. All you really need is a friend to call
when you start having inappropriate thoughts,
and I can be that friend.
There's more to it than that.
Claude rescued me from some pretty nasty scenes over the years.
Well, if you were in trouble, I could handle it.
How can you be so sure?
Because I can be very strong for those people that I really care about.
How can you have any feelings for me? You've only known me for a few weeks.
Yes, and in that time I've come to learn
that you're good and kind and smart.
And, yes, you have a little problem that you need some help with.
But I'm willing to be there for you.
So, what's the big deal?
If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much.
Peter, let me be your rock.
Taking care of people is what I do best.
Drink your milk.
[laughs]
[chattering, laughing]
Uh-uh-uh! Mm-mm.
I asked for extra spicy.
I'm pretty sure you said medium.
Are you? Well, maybe if you'd written it down,
you would've spared yourself the walk of shame back to the kitchen.
Edie, why are you torturing that girl?
That is her. That is the one that Karl is in love with.
We have been here a million times. You should see the way she flirts.
When she comes back, I'm gonna shove this pitcher in her perky mug,
- and when she's... - Let's not make a scene.
For the sake of argument, let's... let's say that it's someone else.
You know, probably it would be a vulnerable, lonely woman
who Karl just took advantage of.
And what if this poor, confused soul
begged your forgiveness?
What would you say?
I'd say...
..."Too little, too late, bitch," and then I'd kick her.
Oh.
You don't have to worry about that. I'm positive it's her. Who else could it be?
[sighs]
Karl's office is all guys. The only women he sees are...
Are me, Julie, that lesbian that does his taxes and you.
You know what?
It is her.
Really? Why?
She just spit in your wings.
You got my back?
Uh... sure.
Here you go. Extra spicy...
- [screams] - [crash]
You did it on purpose.
[grunts]
[groaning, screaming]
- You are going to pay! - [whistle blowing]
Get off me, you...
Mayer! Four on one!
A little help!
So, uh, when we leave...
...who are you gonna miss the most?
I don't know.
Yeah, you do. You said goodbye to her yet?
No.
Look, man, it's OK if you like her.
I think Danielle really likes you too.
- Really? - Yeah.
She told me she'd be sad if you left and didn't say goodbye.
You know, I think she might even want you to give her a little kiss.
But Danielle doesn't even like me in her room.
She gets mad.
Yeah, I talked to her about that.
She feels really bad.
But you know what? She told me if you come in her room again,
she won't get mad.
And Caleb?
She's gonna act like she doesn't want you to kiss her.
But she does.
[Mary Alice] Dale Helm, like all of the students at Parsons Christian Academy,
was taught that his future was safely in God's hands.
What he didn't know was that Gabrielle Solis
was about to force a fumble.
[cheering]
All right, guys, you all know next week we're playing the Falcons!
And we're gonna fry up those birdies for dinner!
Cos we're the Huskies!
And who are the Huskies?
[all] God's team! God's team! God's team! God's team!
What are you doing? You can't be here!
Let's talk turkey. What is it gonna take to give up the baby?
It's not gonna happen. I gotta get back. I'm the quarterback.
- It doesn't look right. - OK, no, no, wait.
What about a car? Or college?
Tuition's a killer these days. I could help you out.
I don't need help. You hear those cheers? Those are for me.
Last game, I threw 246 yards.
I can get into the college of my choice.
So why do you want to be a dad?
These are your glory days! A baby would ruin your life.
I know. But Frank said he's gonna take the baby off my hands.
But it's not even his.
Libby dumped him. He thinks if she sees him acting mature, she'll take him back.
No, no, no... I am not letting that idiot use my baby as a bargaining chip!
Hey, it's out of my hands.
No, it doesn't have to be.
OK, just do the right thing and sign the release form.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Uhh.
[blows whistle]
Before we adjourn today, let's take a moment to bow our heads.
[door opens]
[door shuts]
Hello, everyone!
I'm Gabby Solis, class of '94. Whoo-hoo!
[silence]
I just wanted to give God a big shoutout for this amazing season.
The man upstairs has definitely been on your side,
and you wanna know why?
Because you boys live clean.
You keep your noses up, you stay out of trouble,
and you don't go around getting strippers pregnant.
And that's a good thing because if one of you caused a scandal like that,
not only would that guy get kicked off the team
and lose all of his scholarships,
but God would drop your school colours so fast it'd make your head spin.
And then the football season would go to hell.
No pun intended. [chuckles]
So my point is, do the right thing, and no one gets hurt.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Lily's ours.
So, what do you think? Are you staying late again,
or can I finally have dinner at home with my wife?
God, I don't know. I'm gonna go check with Ed.
OK.
Hey. Any luck with that IMing thing?
No, not really.
I was online chatting with Fran a while ago,
and I asked her what she was wearing, and she said "a yellow blouse."
- OK, that's good. Then what? - Then...
That's it. I just kind of blocked.
- Blocked? - I don't know what else to say.
You're an award-winning copywriter.
Yeah, jingles for oatmeal, not soft-core porn.
For God sakes, it's not brain surgery. Is she still online?
I think so.
[groans]
"I love the way that blouse clings to your body."
- "Are you joking?" - Uh...
Mm-mm-mm. "Nothing funny about those beautiful breasts."
"Yeah? What did you want to do to me?"
Uh...
Ed, your conference call is ready.
Oh, God. I almost forgot about that.
OK, I gotta go take this. You keep going cos you're doing great.
No! I am not doing this for you!
- Just... - Wha?
Mmm!
[exhales]
[clears throat] "Touch every inch of your body
until you're trembling."
"Oh, yeah, I'll bite you good."
"Hell, yeah. First,
I want you to touch yourself."
[chuckling] "Oh, yeah!"
[hits keys loudly]
[chuckling] "I'm on my way."
[phone ringing]
[inhales] Mm.
[phone beeps]
- Hello? - [music in background]
Bree, it's Peter. And I'm in trouble.
- [music playing] - [chattering]
Hey there.
Hi. I'm looking for Peter McMillan.
Not sure I know him. Should ask my wife. She organised the party.
Hey, Judy. Get over here and act like a hostess!
Come on in, come on, come on.
[woman giggling]
[woman] Hey there.
Things are just getting started.
After you take off your clothes, feel free to jump right in.
No, no. I'm good.
I'm just... I'm here to pick up my friend Peter.
He locked himself in your bathroom. I'm here to take him home.
[chuckles] That guy. We were wondering about him. The bathroom's there.
Hey, is that your natural colour?
- Yes, it is. - Beautiful.
I wish mine would do that. This is out of a bottle.
Yes, I'm aware of that.
Peter?
Peter, it's Bree, are you in there?
What are you doing here?
I'm a sex addict. What do you think?
You can't be turned on by what's going on out there, it's...
Disgusting, isn't it?
Yes! Why would you want to come to a place like this?
I didn't. I wanted you to come.
I can't make you not have feelings for me. But I can show you who I was,
what my life was like.
Well, that's not your life anymore.
If I slip again, this is where you could find me.
Or someplace worse!
Then what would you think of me?
- Peter... - Bree,
it's dangerous to care about me.
A lot of people have over the years, and they all end up getting hurt.
Rex said he'd always be faithful.
George said he'd never hurt me. As it turned out, they were both liars.
So as long as you're honest with me,
you'll be amazed at what I can put up with.
Now let's go home.
Hey there. Did you have a late night? I hope.
It was horrible. The whole thing blew up in my face.
Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off?
I didn't! I didn't! Why would she?
Oh, the honeymoon thing.
Yeah, and it hurt like hell then too.
It didn't take her long to figure out that I let a stranger seduce her online.
Oh, God.
She was so mad she locked herself in the bathroom and called a divorce lawyer.
You're getting divorced?
I spent two hours pleading with her through the bathroom door,
begging her not to leave me.
And we finally managed to come to terms.
What kind of terms?
I promised her I would fire the person who did it.
- You're gonna fire me? - No, of course not.
You're too important here. I'm gonna fire Tom.
I told her it was him that sent the IM's.
What?
I told her he had a problem with boundaries. I'm sorry.
I didn't want to do this, but my marriage was on the line.
You can't make my husband your scapegoat. I won't let you.
I don't have a damn choice!
I can't be divorced, Lynette. I can't.
He's under contract.
If you just fire him, he'll sue you, and I'll back him up. You need cause.
Well, I guess I'll have to find cause.
Shouldn't be too difficult, if I look hard enough.
Hey. How's the eye?
Oh, it's still a little red, but I think I got all the hot sauce out.
That's good.
So, um, you know the other day,
when I said that thing about us being sisters?
When I said it, I really didn't mean it.
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
No, I mean, I really didn't mean it.
But, um... now I do.
Thank you. Thank you for having my back.
Do I have to worry about you attacking any more waitresses?
Nah, my bar-brawling days are over.
Oh, you know, I've gotta go. I have a meeting.
I'll talk to you later.
Are you Oliver?
You must be Edie. Pleasure to meet you.
Likewise. I hear you're one of the best private detectives in town.
- I do what I can. - Well, come on in, let's talk.
Um, basically, I just want you to trail my ex.
He, uh... left me for another woman,
and I want to nail that ho to the wall.
Caleb? Hey, come on, buddy. Wake up.
Caleb. It's time.
- [Danielle screaming] - [crashing]
Get away from me!
[gasping]
[gunshot]
[sobbing]
Get away from her!
Danielle, I want you to pick up the phone and call the police.
- No! - What?
Matthew and his mother have been protecting Caleb.
- They're in as much trouble as he is. - I don't care.
Mom, please, I love him.
[whimpering] Please.
If I hadn't been in the house, he could have raped her. Or worse.
He's locked in his room now, so...
Needless to say, the agreement between us is off.
Caleb is dangerous, and I want him put away.
If he's not gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police.
He will be. I promise you. Can I go check on Danielle?
Yes.
Betty, I am serious.
Either you do something or I will.
Bree, stop worrying.
I understand what needs to happen now.
Danielle?
Did it work?
Perfectly. You did great.
So I got some rates on some mental hospitals around here.
And there's one called Silvercrest which actually seems OK.
Put this ham in the fridge, will you? I think I'll make it for dinner.
I know you don't wanna talk about this, but we have to.
Mrs Van De Kamp's gonna call the police.
I promised I would never institutionalise your brother.
Mom...
How long do you think it'd be before he'd act out, hurt somebody?
A couple of days, a week?
They'd throw him in a straitjacket and drug away what's left of his mind.
He'd spend the rest of his life at the mercy of strangers.
If we don't he's gonna end up in prison. And don't you think that's worse?
Yes, of course I do.
So, what the hell are we gonna do?
Phenobarbital?
It's easy, it's painless.
Just a few extra drops.
He simply falls asleep.
Caleb was meant for a better world than this, Matthew.
It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves.
- Who's the pretty girl? - [doorbell rings]
- Looks like it's Daddy's turn. - I got her.
Yes.
- Mrs Solis? - Yes?
We have a court order to take the Collins baby into custody.
No, no, no, that's a mistake.
We have paperwork. The birth father signed away his rights.
- The birth mother is protesting. - What?
Until the adoption is legally finalised,
the birth mother can still change her mind.
And she has.
No, no, no, no, no!
- [Carlos] Gabby, wait! - You!
You don't even want to be a mother!
[woman] Well, look, Frank quit using,
and he got a good job down at the plant. He's really stepped up.
So?
Well, so we're gonna give the whole family thing a shot.
I'll totally give you all your money back.
I don't want my money back! I want my baby!
Come on. Let's go.
Carlos! No! Carlos, what's happening?
No, ma'am, you don't understand.
This is our baby!
No! We've been feeding her,
and we've been bathing her.
And we wake up in the middle of the night, and we rock her,
which is crazy cos, if you knew me, I don't do that! I don't do that.
And my husband! My husband, he sings to her!
He sings!
So you can't take her away! It's too late!
We've already fallen in love with her!
[sobbing] Carlos, do something!
No, you can't go! You can't...
You can't take her! You can't take her!
No!
She's our baby!
She's our...
No!
[sobbing] Please!
[Mary Alice] There is a prayer intended to give strength
to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept.
The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature.
We ask God to grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change...
Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us.
...the courage to change the things we can...
Because so many of us are cowardly
and afraid to stand up for what is right.
...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Because so many of us give in to despair...
... when faced with an impossible choice.
The good news for those who utter these words
is that God will hear you and answer your prayer.
The bad news is that sometimes
the answer is "no."