Previously in Desperate Housewives...
No sex for at least a month.
- Bree made a decision. - Focus on getting me a divorce.
- And hired Angie. - Let's get cooking.
Gaby struggled at home.
- What is going on? - It's called home schooling.
Lynette's body was changing.
I got to hide these at work,
so Carlos doesn't find out I'm pregnant.
Cops wanted to know where you were
the night that Julie Mayer was strangled.
You know I never attacked her.
Angie knew about the affair. Uhh!
Is it true you shot Katherine Mayfair?
And Susan got in trouble.
If someone wanted proof that Judge Mary Gallagher
had a sense of humor, all they needed to do was
watch her pronounce sentence.
For the slum lord who refused to fix a furnace...
You have to live in your own tenement for a month... starting in December.
The woman who threw a phone at her maid...
You will clean Mrs. Garcia's home for the next six weeks.
And, yes, you will do windows.
For the high school coach
who made lewd remarks to a cheerleader...
at the next school assembly, you will perform a cheer... in uniform.
And I'd shave those legs if I were you.
And then there was
the case of the housewife who shot her neighbor...
so she just popped up in my window,
and I fired.
- It was an accident. - Liar!
It was no accident! She wanted me dead.
I did not. At least, not then.
As you can see, your honor, this is an unfortunate situation.
It's a mess is what it is. I assume there's some history here.
She once dated my husband.
- She stole him from me. - Stole?
He came screaming back like he was running from a fire.
Enough.
I take it you're the man in question.
Yes, your honor.
I could see shooting someone over you.
Thank you?
Okay, I'm gonna rule now.
My inclination is to avoid giving out jail time. In this case.
I object!
- Overruled! - However...
A firearm was discharged,
- and there are consequences for that. - Your honor
before you hand down your ruling, may I say something?
Make it quick. I already find you uninteresting.
Ha!
Not only did Susan shoot me at point-blank range,
she trashed me to all of my friends and neighbors,
telling them I was some kind of crazy, stalking nut!
That true? Have you been trashing her?
I...
Never said "nut." I... said "loon."
Mrs. Delfino...
Okay, I trashed her a little.
But what I said was true, and that's free speech.
You can't punish me for that.
Yes, when it came to sentencing,
Judge Mary Gallagher had a sense of humor.
But not everyone
Found her funny.
There is a coffee shop in Fairview.
it's known as a place where you can read your morning paper...
Where you can meet your friends...
where you can bump into your neighbors...
whether you want to or not.
Hi.
Boy, I hope they have decaf today.
Last time I was here, they were out, so I had to have regular and got so wired, I didn't sleep all night.
Does that happen to you?
Seriously? You think I'm gonna make small talk with you?
Excuse me?
I know you slept with my husband.
Oh. So... I'm thinkin' we're past the chit-chat stage.
I am so sorry.
Let me tell you how shame works.
When you see the wife of the guy you banged,
you don't make conversation.
You don't even smile and say hi.
You avert your gaze and you blush.
Nod if you understand.
Here's your mocha latte. That'll be $3.50.
Oh. It's on her. She owes me.
Hey.
You're gonna be late for class.
Dad?
All my clothes are too tight. I had to borrow yours.
I was gonna wear that shirt today.
Well, when you're hiding your fourth month of pregnancy with twins, you can have it back.
What do you think?
I'm still attracted to you in men's clothes.
Is that weird?
All I need is to pull this off for two more days.
You should've told Carlos two months ago.
There's no way he won't be furious when he finds out.
Tom, I may be wearing men's clothes,
but I am not an idiot. I've got this.
Terrence Henderson and I are about to close
the biggest deal in the history of this company.
Once Carlos sees how great Terrence is, he'll see the work can still get done
even when I'm on maternity leave.
And you're sure this deal is gonna close?
Nope. That's why we need to keep our fingers crossed.
Okay, now wish me luck.
Good luck.
Now come here, mister. I wanna kiss ya.
Okay, now it's weird.
Bless me, father, for I have sinned.
Go ahead, my child.
Well, I've been homeschooling my daughter, and it's been a living hell,
so I tried to bribe someone to get her into Catholic school.
Mm, and, uh, what happened?
Well, you tell me.
Gabrielle, what are you doing?
Oh, come on, padre. You're the head of admissions.
And you've got a great school here,
but there's a 2-year waiting list!
Put your money away.
It's your money. Sleep with it for a while. See how it feels.
No! I wish I could help, but my hands are tied.
Oh, come on. I'm not asking you to part the Red Sea.
Just find a spot for one kid in the second grade.
Look, if a student were to withdraw,
I might be able to move you to the top of the waiting list.
- Fantastic! - But frankly,
we tend to favor those who are more faithful.
What does that mean?
Well, I've noticed that you don't come to mass very often.
oh! I hear ya, padre.
You're okay with money as long as it comes
comes in one of those little wicker baskets you pass around.
- No, that's not what I'm saying. - Of course not.
I realize it's dark in here, but just know I'm winking back.
So your first opera... that's quite a milestone.
Throw in "last," and it's two milestones.
Oh, stop. I saw you tear up at the end of act two.
Only because I realized there was an act three.
"Madame Butterfly" is Puccini's masterpiece.
Didn't you enjoy it just a little?
What about that scene when Butterfly tells her child
not to feel sorrow for her mother's desertion?
Didn't that make you feel anything?
Actually, that's when you leaned forward, and I saw a little peek
of your boob. So I guess it made me feel horny.
Karl, don't.
Come on. It's a dark parking structure. People are just gonna think I'm mugging you.
We agreed no sex for a month.
We need to find out if we can be together in a nonsexual manner.
I'm serious.
Can you keep your hands to yourself?
Can I? Thanks to you, it's my only choice.
Hey, how was your business dinner?
Oh. Um... Our bid was, uh, too high. It looks like they're gonna go with another caterer.
What are you listening to?
It's a new recording of "Madame Butterfly."
Isn't that glorious?
It is. I should... go to bed, Orson.
Good night.
All right, guys. You sign the lease,
and we'll pop the champagne.
The Florida branch is officially a go.
Terrific. So when we get our branch manager?
We have got somebody great lined up. We just need to finalize some things.
We'll get back to ya. Thanks.
Who do we have lined up?
Nobody. That's the thing we need to finalize.
Oh.
But today, we celebrate.
Lynette, you really hit this one out of the park. I gotta give credit where credit is due.
Terrence did a lot of the heavy lifting on this one,
and I don't care if I embarrass him. This guy is a star.
Strangely, I'm not embarrassed.
Carlos, I didn't want to interrupt your phone call,
but your wife is here.
Uh, just tell her to wait in my office until we're finished.
You listen to me, Carlos Solis!
I just came from St. Ursula's, and we've got big trouble!
So according to the Catholic church,
we're not holy enough. But I have a feeling a big, fat check might slap on a halo.
How big?
Well, something that'll make a priest say "holy" and "mother" in the same sentence.
That should get her to the top of the waiting list.
I'm not going to write a big check on the chance that it might get her in.
Carlos!
Gaby, I can't do this now.
You know the problems that I'm facing
trying to get the new Florida office up and running. Now if you don't mind...
Fine. Can I trouble you for $5?
I'll buy Juanita a hairnet
and prepare her for a future in the fast food industry.
Hey!
Hello... gentlemen.
What? A lot of people are wearing this style.
Well, doesn't make it right.
Hey, uh, Gaby, I heard you mention St. Ursula's.
It is worth the hassle. Our daughter Molly's in the second grade. She loves it there.
Oh, I didn't know Molly was in the same grade as juanita.
Yeah.
Would you excuse me for a second?
Hey, that branch in Florida? I think I found our man.
No, no, no, you can't send Terrence to Florida.
You should take it as a compliment. You trained him well.
Exactly. You can't send him away. What if you need him here?
Why would I? I've got you.
But...
What if I was hit by a bus and I was... Put on
bed rest for, say, three months?
Who--who would cover for me?
Hey!
You jinxed it. Now for sure some version of that is gonna happen.
Lynette, it's done. We are sending Terrence to Florida.
Oh, and I really like this new look that you've got going, but careful, Roberta
in accounting asked if I thought you'd like to go bowling with her.
Hi, susan!
Oh, God. Ugh.
What are you doing here?
I was just having lunch with some friends who are not on a chain gang.
thought I'd stop by and say hi.
You mean stop by and gloat.
Maybe a little.
So... how's it going? meeting anybody?
They say the friends you make on the inside... you'll have for life.
Yes, Katherine, this all sucks.
But you know what?
At the end of the day, I go home to Mike...
which means, I won.
That's big talk for a woman standing in an orange jumpsuit with blisters on her feet.
Well, Mike will rub them
when I go home. And for the record, I totally make this work.
The fact that you think you look good in orange
shows I'm not dealing with a rational person.
Oh, by the way... you missed something.
No I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
Bye-bye.
Hey! Come back here!
She littered! Shoot her!
What a moron.
I wish I'd caught her license plate number. She'd be sorry.
Really?
What kind of damage could you do with her home address?
You missed something.
Did you get 'em all?
You're supposed to eat it, not wear it.
Well, they call it crumb cake for a reason. Come on.
Emily, can you steam me some 2% milk?
Hey.
This is what happens when I'm five minutes late?
What?
The waitress with the hands.
She was brushing crumbs off my shirt.
What, the ones julie missed?
Oh, God.
Is this how it's gonna be every time I talk to a woman?
Ange, I'm sorry. I... I don't know how many times I can say it.
I'll do anything you want.
I'll do couples therapy.
Great idea. Let's tell somebody all our secrets,
and then when we're cured, we can kill him.
Look, I don't know what you want.
I want you to be the guy you used to be,
the guy who saved my life, not the guy who destroyed it.
How we doing here?
Never been better,
- hey! - Hi!
Come on in! Yeah!
- This is so nice of you. Yeah. - Oh, no. It's not every day
that one of my associates gets a big promotion.
- Thank you. - Tom,
why don't you take Crystal in the den and get comfortable
while I steal this guy to help me make cocktails?
Come on. Right this way.
So how excited are you? Miami!
Pretty jazzed. It's an exciting opportunity.
I think it's great how you're concentrating on the upside of this.
There's a downside?
No, not really. Forget I mentioned it.
It's just... do you remember Tim Baker
who was sent to head up our chicago office?
Never heard of him.
Exactly.
So... you are moving to Florida. Wow!
Pecan?
Oh, no, thanks. I'm on a diet.
Aw, yeah, I can't wait.
No more winter.
Yep, just heat and hurricanes.
Oh, I'm willing to put up with that. Miami has so many other things to offer.
Oh, it certainly must to attract all those Colombian drug lords.
The Chicago branch was a little slow out of the gate.
corporate freaked and made Tim the scapegoat.
Where is he now?
He's in plastics... or paper, depending on what
you want your groceries in. Wine?
And when they cut into the alligator's stomach, not only was the guy's arm
still intact, but it was still holding
his golf club.
I think he would've been fine if his wife hadn't left him.
That led directly to the alcoholism,
which probably had something to do with him threatening the president.
Boy, is that a bitch on the old résumé.
That humidity... your hair?
I think it's a recipe for cotton candy.
Here we go, everybody. We've got the wine.
I would like to propose a toast.
To Terrence and Crystal,
May Miami be everything you think it will.
Hear, hear.
Knock knock. Anybody home?
Come on in, Angie.
This is pretty. What is it? It's from the opera "Madame Butterfly."
She sounds so sad.
Well, actually, in this aria, butterfly is hopeful
that one day her lover will return to her.
Oh. Does he?
No.
Because of his abandonment,
she kills herself.
Oh. You ever see "Avenue q"? The musical with the puppets?
Now that's good theater.
Bree's not here. What do you want?
Well, I need to talk to her about some work stuff. Where is she?
She's out.
That's generally where Bree is these days.
Out.
She's meeting with a prospective client, so she says.
She's had
four client meetings this week,
and not one has resulted in a booking.
Why do you think that is?
It's a rough economy.
See, I think she's taken a lover.
What? Oh, come on. No way.
How can you be so sure?
An affair?
Oh, please, the woman makes her own croutons.
Perhaps.
Angie, I have to go away on a golf weekend.
While I'm gone, could you do me a favor
and keep an eye on Bree?
- What do you mean? - Just observe her.
Does she come home at night? Is anyone with her?
Look, if you wanna be paranoid, go ahead. It's a free country.
But I am not gonna spy on your wife for you.
Yes.
I suppose that's for the best.
I mean, if I did find out she was betraying me, I'd probably do something stupid.
Oh, toughen up. It's just a little dust.
Look, I have to clean that area.
would you mind having your breakdown someplace else?
Just leave me alone, okay?
You won, I lost. Isn't that enough?
What?
When you're sitting on the side of the road picking up styrofoam
and wads of gum, it's time to admit defeat.
The man I love chose you.
Are you messing with me?
No. I'm being honest.
Why has this been so hard on me?
Well...
you loved him.
I did.
I really did. And now he's gone.
Katherine, you're an attractive, intelligent woman.
You're gonna meet other guys.
Not like Mike.
We connected on so many different levels...
intellectually, emotionally,
sexually.
Oh, I've never felt such passion.
Where am I gonna find another guy
who'll make love to me five times in one day?
- That's a lie. - No, it's not.
Five times?
Susan, come on. Don't tell me that you and Mike have never...
Oh. Maybe I didn't lose after all.
Remind me to ask you what you want for breakfast more often.
Beats a bowl of oatmeal, doesn't it?
You kidding? That beat a waffle.
Listen, I have a crazy idea.
Why don't we both call in sick and spend the day
in bed naked together?
Did I mention naked?
You wanna go for seconds?
Oh, what's gotten into you?
Even on my birthday you told me to hurry up
because "The Bachelor" was on.
Well... can't a wife just want to spend time with her husband?
Well, yeah. It's just that your timing's bad.
Gotta finish Mr. Hinkle's shower.
I promised him I'd be there yesterday.
I'm serious.
The old man hasn't had a shower in three days.
And that's a long time... for an old man...
to not take a shower.
Oh, the hell with it. he survived World War II.
He'll get through this. Oh!
Father Crowley, hi.
This is for you. I thought I'd catch up on my giving
to my favorite parish.
Wow. I certainly didn't expect this.
Well, do with it what you will...
buy a new pipe organ, help the needy,
take a trip to Tahiti. I really don't care. Oh, listen.
I don't know which nun you're gonna put my kid with, but make sure she's had a tetanus shot.
Juanita's a biter.
Uh, Gabrielle, I think you're jumping the gun here.
Why? A spot opened up.
Molly Henderson is moving to Florida, right?
Well, she was. Her father was going to take a new job,
but he decided against it.
What? No! No, this can't be!
I'm afraid it is. Anyway,
h... how did you even know about this?
We'll talk about it in confession.
Have faith, Gabrielle. When God closes a door,
when God closes a door,
thank you, Father Crowley.
hey.
I got the stuff for the mushroom tarts.
how's that cake coming along?
Just when I think I can't top myself, I do. Hmm.
Hmm. How about that? Oh, by the way,
Orson thinks you're having an affair.
He thinks what now?
He thinks you're steppin' out. But I told him there is no way.
Bree Van De Kamp is whoring it up in some sleazy motel.
Uh, thank you for that.
Sorry to spring it on you like that.
Well, I appreciate it. I just don't understand why he would go to you.
Well, he was drinking a lot.
Also, he asked me if I would spy on you.
Relax, Bree. Obviously I said no.
Obviously I said no.
Would you mind, um, cleaning this up for me?
Are you sure you're done topping yourself?
This is serious, Karl. He asked Angie to spy on me.
And God knows who else he has watching me.
I don't think we should see each other again until after you've gotten me a divorce.
Don't ask me how. You're the lawyer.
Hey. Aren't you supposed to be at school?
You never come home for lunch.
I thought I'd try something different.
Mmm. Hey, since we're both home, why don't we go upstairs and make love?
What, seriously? You want to do it again?
W... I just got a sub from Martinelli's.
Mike, I am offering you a nooner.
Drop your pants and get upstairs.
Can I bring my sandwich?
Yes. Bring it. Grab a pickle. I don't care.
You're the best wife ever.
- Come on! - Can I turn on "the three stooges," too?
Lynette, it's Gaby!
In a minute.
- Hey, Gaby. - Hey, nanook. Why you wearing a parka?
Because... fur is murder. What's up?
I... I talked to Crystal Henderson, and she said you talked Terrence
out of going to Miami. Is that true?
I didn't talk him out of it. I merely pointed out the pros and cons.
Well, apparently, the cons won.
You've gotta untalk him out of it. I need him out of this state.
Why? Are you sleeping with him?
No! Truth is, if he doesn't go,
Juanita can't take his kid's spot at St. Ursula's.
You are unbelievable.
You want this guy to uproot his entire life
just so you can get out of homeschooling your daughter?
Yeah, yeah, selfish Gaby. Same old song.
- Join in if you know the words. - Well, sorry, Gaby,
I need Terrence here.
Why? Are you sleeping with him?
No! I just need him here.
Every time I turn around, someone is trying
to make my life more complicated.
why can't everyone just let it go?
hey, I'm sorry.
Come here. Everything's gonna be okay.
Why are you getting so upset?
- What was that? - What was that?
Your stomach just kicked me.
Open the parka.
- I'd rather not. - Open it!
You're pregnant? Why didn't you tell me?!
Because... I knew you'd tell Carlos.
Yeah, so I tell Carlos. What's wrong with...
Oh, no.
When Carlos offered you that promotion,
you knew you were pregnant and you knew you'd be leaving him in the lurch?
- Gaby... - Carlos just got this company!
He brought in people he could depend on, and he thought he could depend on you!
I didn't tell Carlos because I knew I was
the best person for the job and I wanted to prove it.
- Well, you certainly proved something. - Gaby, wait!
Please don't tell Carlos. I think he should hear it from me.
Yeah. Better late than never, right?
Susan, I'm home! Are you hungry?
Up here!
Hello, lover.
Oh, God.
Susan, I can't.
I... I... I got nothing left. I hit my hand with a wrench today,
and when I cried, only dust came out.
You cried?
That is so sexy.
Mm. What is going on with you? It's like you just got out of prison.
Is there a problem with a husband and wife having sex?
We have a passionate relationship, don't we?
Well, of course we do.
It's just, I was hoping t... tonight we could... cuddle.
Cuddle?
- Am I that repulsive to you? - What?
It's okay, Mike. You can say it.
I'm a lousy lay.
Susan, we had sex three times today.
All right, I can't do it again.
Really? Biology? Well, here is
some basic math.
You had sex with Katherine five times in one day
and me three. Five minus three equals
Katherine turns you on, and sex with me is a chore.
You and Katherine actually talked about this?
More like she rubbed it in my face.
Okay. Look, the only reason that that "record" ever happened
was we got snowed in during a ski trip.
And we had absolutely nothing to talk about.
Sex was all we ever had!
Don't you get it?
There was nothing else to the relationship.
But you and I... we've got everything.
We have a rich,
full life together.
We could finish each other's sentences.
Oh, Mike, I...
"I've been so foolish."
Is that what you were gonna say?
- And? - You wanna cuddle.
I was gonna say "The Bachelor" is on.
But cuddling's good, too.
Karl, what are you doing here? Someone could see you!
Yeah, especially if you leave me standing on your doorstep.
Relax. I parked two blocks away.
I don't appreciate your taking risks like this. If Orson find out about...
You won't have that to worry about much longer.
I found a way to spring you from this marriage!
Orson's still on parole, right?
For another year. Why?
If he violates parole by, for instance,
associating with a known felon,
they can revoke it.
- And send him back to jail. - All we need to do
is get some ex-con in a room with Orson, take some pictures, and bam!
He can't touch you
because if he does, the parole officer will get the pictures,
and it's bye-bye, Orson.
Karl, that's perfect! And then he'll have to let me go.
Ahh. I think someone deserves a kiss.
- Karl, we agreed. - Bree,
for the first time since we've been together,
your husband is out of town.
Do we really want to let that go to waste?
Come on. Come on!
Do not answer that.
- This is Bree. Please leave a message. - Oh, damn it!
- Hello? - Bree, you gotta get that man out of your bedroom right now!
What? There's no man in my room.
Oh, good, 'cause it was just about to get a whole lot more crowded. Orson is home.
Orson.
You're home early.
Is something wrong?
Why are you back so soon?
I'm coming down with a cold.
You know how I hate to be sick away from home.
What are you doing?
There are two glasses downstairs and one has wine.
You are obviously not alone here.
What are you implying?
You know perfectly well what I'm implying, Bree.
Who was drinking the wine?
Well, first of all, I am insulted that you would even think that...
Bree, where are you?
Oh, there you are! Orson.
Wow, I pop home for five minutes
to toss some clothes in the dryer,
and you got a man in your bedroom.
- You were here tonight? - Oh, yeah. Just tossin' back
a little vino and gossiping.
Yes, this girl knows everything about everybody.
Is there any wine left?
- I could use a glass. - Yes, downstairs
on the table. You go on ahead.
We're gonna finish up our girl talk.
Where are the clothes?
Behind the pillow.
Hey. You're gonna have to jump.
There's rose bushes, so put your pants on first.
Angie, I can't thank you enough.
I didn't do this for you. I did it for Orson.
For Orson?
I told him you had too much class to do something like this.
I understand your disdain, but this is a complicated situation.
Let me make it simple for you... two men want you. Choose one.
But which one? Orson's blackmailing me to stay with him.
He's manipulative and calculating and...
- Then go with lover boy. - But what kind of life would I have with Karl?
He's crass and conceited
and the only thing we seem to have in common is sex.
Then why are you having an affair
- with someone you don't even like? - Did I mention the sex?
Karl brings out passion in me I never knew I had.
I melt every time he touches me.
Great! Then find a way out of your marriage
and... and start building a life with this... Karl.
I would. It's just...
What?
Orson likes opera.
- Hey, you busy? - No.
So, did, uh, Gaby talk to you last night?
No. But I need to talk to you.
I want you to run
- the Miami office. - What?
If it isn't gonna be Terrence, then it has to be you.
The future of the company is at stake.
I need my best people on the spot. It won't be forever,
and depending on how things go after a couple of years,
maybe you could even move back and telecommute from here.
- Carlos, what is this? - What's what?
Oh, come on, I know you know I'm pregnant.
You're pregnant? Wow. Great.
Carlos, please, I know Gaby told you.
Nope.
I would remember somebody telling me something like that.
So what's your answer?
You send someone else to Miami...
And I stay here. That's my answer.
and I don't need you here. Not anymore.
Carlos, I am sorry.
I know I should've told you when I first found out.
Believe me, I wish I had now. But...
You can't fire me for being pregnant.
I'm not firing you, Lynette. I'm offering you a promotion.
If you choose to turn it down and quit instead, I can't stop you.
All I can do is say good luck.
And congratulations.
No, it's late, and I still gotta close up.
Yeah, um...
tomorrow's no good either.
Listen, you're a nice guy.
I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.
Sorry.
Hello?
I know you girls think
that's lettin' a guy down easy,
but, uh, trust me, it ain't.
You okay for now? I gotta clean up in the back.
Yeah. I'm good.
Agent Padilla?
Little memory quiz for you.
This is black owl.
Damn, Chris, still sharp as a tack, huh?
No, no, no, no. Don't... don't ask me anything. Don't talk.
This conversation will last less than 60 seconds.
We both know why.
I'm thinking about comin' in.
You interrupt me again, and I hang up.
I said I was thinkin' about it.
Now here's what you need to think about.
I don't care what happens to me,
but I have to know she gets a pass.
There'll be no further discussion on this until that is firm.
Next time you hear from me, you will have an answer to that question, and it better be yes.
You eaves droppin' on me?
No. No,
I just got here.
And I wanna go home.
I'll see you.
There is a coffee shop in Fairview.
It's known as a place where you can read your morning paper...
where you can meet your friends...
where you can have a cup of coffee
at the end of a long day.
Yes,
It was a place known for many things.
Hey. Did you forget something?
What are you doing?
But after this night,
it would be known for something...
far worse.
Transcripted on Addic7ed by Lassie, chamallow35, honeybunny & cRaZyMaGgOt www.addic7ed.com