Hi. I hate myself.
Leave a message.
Darren, you dumb son of a bitch, stop wallowing in self pity and wake up.
Christ. All right, look. I'm already on my way to Philly for the weekend.
Lindsay’s being a bitch about something.
Someone told her I banged her older sister, which I did.
But it was while we broke up for that week in September.
I don't know why she’s so pissed about it. But anyway, I gotta head down there
before she goes ballistic on me. But, um, back to my point. I…
Hi. I hate myself.
Leave a message.
Darren, you dipshit. I know you're still sleeping.
So wake up. I found a way for your ass to stay in school.
Okay, man look. I felt kinda bad
about the whole thing with the alcohol violation, and your scholarship.
You're the one that threw the party, you asshole.
I'm the one that threw the party, and I'm the asshole. I know.
So I guess you could say this is my way of making it up to you.
Okay? Now look on my desk.
There are 50 pills of ecstasy, and one of my pagers.
Now you have to remember there's no voicemail on that one
so the numbers are gonna come straight through, okay?
Look, exams are over, my man, and you know are gonna wanna get down …
What the fuck are you talking about, Coleman? I can’t do this.
Sure you can. - I am not like you. I'm not a fucking drug dealer.
What are you thinking, man? Are you crazy? - Darren, you'll do fine.
But, uh, no, this… - No. No buts.
I am gonna fucking get arrested.
Look, man. It’s only one day, and no one’s gonna notice you.
I have to turn in a paper on Dante’s Inferno today.
Look, man, uh, I gotta go.
You're, you're breakin’ up here really bad. Listen hang in there, buddy, bye.
No, don't you fucking hang up this... Coleman! Coleman,
I can’t do this. I'm not gonna do this. Fuck!
Holy shit.
I hate you, Coleman!
#FIFTY PILLS#
#NEW YORK CITY#
#FOUR MONTHS EARLIER#
#COLEMAN#
My first year at college.
It’s about damn time. That’s what you're supposed to say, right?
Within 10 minutes, I met my new roommate, Coleman.
From the first time I saw him, I knew I’d never met anybody like him.
Yo, yo, Green Day. What the fuck, does this look like my bathroom?
What are you gonna do next, take a shit on my bed? - Yo, man, sorry.
Yeah, don't be sorry, just fix it. It’s simple.
Hey, what’s up, man, I'm Coleman.
I didn’t know if I wanted to know anybody like him.
It made me wonder why his parents sent movers instead of coming by themselves.
Mine, mine wanted to. Just they really couldn’t take the time off of work.
Do well, son.
First time away from home? - Yeah. I went to camp, though, once.
You ever had international phone sex? - What?
Wait, hold that thought. Uh, do you smoke?
Hell yeah, I'm from North Carolina, come on.
I grew up on these things.
That’s okay. Enjoy.
You can’t imagine how rad it is to get off while talking to some chick
on another continent who’s getting off, and sometimes in a language
that you don't even speak. Kicks ass.
I was impressed. It was either at that moment or somewhere near it
that Coleman became my new personal hero.
It’s like this. If you act like the fuckin’ man…
…and you think you're the fuckin’ man, then nothing is gonna make
that other schmuck lookin’ up to you think that you're not the fuckin’ man.
Everything in life involves a little creativity.
It literally took Coleman about five minutes…
No, no, no, no, no. Four minutes, 15 seconds, please.
Four minutes, 15 seconds to realize that we had to have a moving in party.
The best way to have a good party is…
To fucking advertise. New York, I'm here, bitches!
Apparently, summer internships at his father’s
multimillion dollar PR firm really paid off.
Yeah, you know that’s what I'm packin’.
Dude. - What?
Did they pretend they don't like it? They fuckin’ love it.
You know, I doubt it.
Why do you think they come here? Same reason you did.
To learn?
Yeah, welcome.
Okay, everybody, let’s go, party’s over, come on.
Make sure you take cabs. - I know. Stupid. Really stupid.
This is when I realized that Coleman should be no one’s personal hero.
See, what we failed to realize was that if we write about the party
on every whiteboard in the dorm, the RAs are gonna see it too.
Darren Giles. Welcome to college.
Yeah, I think we’re gonna have to write you guys up.
No, you don't have to… - Check, check, three checks.
That’s a lotta checks. - You guys are like a couple of Germans.
I don't even know what that means.
You see, what happened is we invited this guy that lives on our hall to come over
and hang out, and it just got outrageous. I don't know what happened.
Could this have had anything to do with it?
You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy,
so get your ass down to room 315 tonight and meet the real Tin Man?
Well, he - he looks happy.
And how about this? - That? That belongs to Coleman.
Christ, I made that thing with some friends in high school.
It’s for show. I drink out of glasses. I would never use something like that.
You and your roommate are going on probation
On probation? - Probation.
What do you wanna do next? You wanna put a collar around my nutsack?
Yes, sir? - Felicia,
bring a collar for his nutsack. And you goin’ on probation today.
You goin’ on probation as of two minutes after you leave here.
And if you try it, if you have a little one, if you have a little tiny drink,
you are goin’ to lose that scholarship,
you are going to lose your financial aid, and I will personally make sure
that you never go to another university for the rest of your life.
From the second day of my college existence, I had one strike against me.
So, now all we had to do was be good.
And we were good. Good at not getting caught again.
Believe it or not, I was actually looking forward
to Thanksgiving break with my parents.
Clean sheets, toilet paper, a refrigerator.
With food in it.
Doreen, you have outdone yourself with that stuffing. Fantastic.
Son, your mother and I have something we’d like to tell you.
Yeah. No need to be alarmed…
…what’s the best way to put this?
I don't know, the best way to put it is that we’re going through a few changes.
Yeah, we’re, uh… - You're not pregnant, are you?
No.
No, no. I should be so lucky, huh? - What the hell does that mean?
Harold, it’s been four months, and if it weren’t for Mr. Red upstairs,
I’d probably have lost my mind.
Damn, Mom, that’sdisgusting! We’re eating. - Don't say damn to your mother.
And you don't have to bring up our intimate times in front of the boy.
Well, honey, a little companionship in that department would be very nice.
I can't believe this. - I’m gonna go upstairs.
I'm allergic to the Viagra. - What?
Yeah, uh, it makes me sweat, and gives me wet shits.
Oh, I am sorry. I mental images are.
Honey, that was the kielbasa. - You sit down. It’s not the kielbasa.
We had to sent that carpet to the cleaners. It cost a fortune.
Sit. Talk.
Son, I have something very important I wanna tell you.
Don't you wanna hear it? - Fine.
Son, your father’s been laid off.
They're replacing me with a damned laptop computer.
Windows 98, or some foul thing.
I'm sorry, Dad. That’s - that’s really screwed up.
No, it’s fucked up, is what it is.
Let’s, you know, call a spade a spade.
I - I have to get that.
What was with you bringing up our sex life in front of him?
Hello? - Mr. Darren.
How did I know it would be you?
#GRACIE# - Gracie was at the party we threw that first night.
For some reason, she was talking to me.
Jesus Christ. Oh my God.
It wasn’t longer than the whiteboard.
Oh, I don't know, I didn’t see.
I didn’t mean to.
All right, here’s to new beginnings, and all that shit.
I need a refill, though.
Well, maybe next time.
Definitely.
That Gracie chick is hot, man. You should tap it.
Dude, she just broke up with her boyfriend like two days ago.
I don't really think she was ready to jump into another relationship.
Who’s talking about a relationship? I'm just saying she’s got the hot ass, is all.
All right. I'm goin’ to bed.
Mr. Darren. - How did I know it would be you?
Having fun in the bible belt?
Does hearing about your parents’ sex life constitute as fun?
I would think no. - Yeah, I agree.
Do you, like, when I get back, do you wanna go have dinner or something?
Invitation accepted.
Yeah, 'cause we, you know, we could bring, like, friends and stuff like that.
We could, you know, go in a group or somethin’.
Okay, sure.
I’d better get going. Michelle’s interpretive dance show is about to start.
I... okay. - Good night, Darren.
Bye, see you.
Greasy, greasy, greasy.
Greasy?
I was just curious. Shit.
Bumpin’ uglies is not appropriate dinner conversation.
Honey, he’s very upset. Why don't you have a talk with him?
I think he’s upset because you have a talk. You have the rapport with him.
Why don't you establish a rapport with him and have a relationship
with somebody in this family, huh? - Go on, go on.
Fine. I’ll talk to him. - Woman’s job to talk to her son.
Honey? Darren? Sweetie?
You know, Dad and I didn’t mean to scare you.
Honey?
Sweetie, we just, well, I’d really rather talk to you face to face.
Can I come in? - Yeah.
Okay.
Mom! God!
Oh my God.
You're gay!
Close the door!
It has nothing to do with your sex life or me not wanting to be here.
I just have to get home and protect my room. - Son, son, be honest with me.
Do you have a boyfriend that you're going back to New York to see? Do you?
It’s okay you. - I am not gay! What’s wrong with you?
Shh, keep it down.
Put the window down. Put it down.
Oh, honey. - Come on, come on, now.
Don't leave us like this. You know, I looked it up on the Internet last night.
It’s okay to be gay. It’s almost natural.
Honey, why don't you just stay a couple more days?
We can work this out, son. I’ll go to a gay bar with you. One step at a time.
Honey, if you have a special friend, you can bring him home.
We’ll hang a gay flag in the front of the house.
Honey, we understand these things. - Yeah, we do.
We saw “Philadelphia.” - We loved it!
All I wanted to do was get home,
have a few beers, and party with my friends.
But they weren’t there.
Coleman wasn’t even there. Then, I saw why.
Apparently, Coleman had thrown a party while I was away,
and guess what? It got busted. Now you would think
that because I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be in trouble, right?
No. A bottle of vodka in my refrigerator
made it my responsibility and my problem.
I was fucked. My scholarship was gone, and without that money,
I couldn’t even register for classes next semester.
So here I am, a thousand dollars short, 24 hours to pay it,
50 pills of ecstasy, and I'm actually contemplating doing this.
#THE DAY BEGINS#
Hey. - Hey.
Good morning to you, too.
It’s D day. - I know.
Sorry. God, you’ve really cleaned this place out.
Yeah, I'm just, you know, scraping at the bottom of the barrel now.
There’s nothing left. But I'm, you know, I could ask my parents,
it’s just that they don't have it.
And my grandparents, I already tapped them out, so.
Hey, what’s up, Darren? Uh, you still wanna do that deal, dude?
Yeah. Yeah.
Deal?
Ten bucks, right, dude?
Yeah, you got it, man. Thanks.
I fuckin’ love David Duchovny.
What? - Nothing. I just...
What? - Nothing. Don't worry about it.
I just thought Coleman might be rubbing off on you
a little bit too much for your own good.
Oh, no. That’s funny.
God, I can’t imagine this place without you. Is that weird?
Well, let’s not go getting all sentimental. I have to run an errand with Michelle.
But I’ll see you for the Christmas fundraiser?
Hell yeah, definitely. I will be there.
Okay. I’ll be there until 9:00, but dress warm, 'cause it’s gonna be cold out.
You're not gonna believe this, but I just sold my jacket.
Okay. I’ll bring blankets. - Okay.
Okay. Hey, don't worry about this stuff. Okay?
You'll figure something out. 'Cause you're good at this sort of thing.
Yeah.
Hi. Hi, sir.
Good morning, Darren. - Something I can help you with?
I got a call from the finance department. I think you know what they had to say.
I know. I mean, um, what, what am I supposed to do?
You know, can’t you help, or? I wasn’t here when they got written up. You know that.
My hands are tied. It’s policy. And if I could do something,
I... you're a good kid. I wish I could help. I'm sorry.
No, sir, there’s nothing you can do.
Look. I’ll hold off on filing the move order until Monday.
But if you don't get this straightened out with them by then,
security will enforce your removal from the building, you understand me?
Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
Wish there was more I could do.
Yeah, me too.
Hey. Did somebody just page me?
I heard you, uh, got some real kickin’ shit. How much is a pill?
Uh, 20. Twenty, uh, I mean, um…
Oh, 20, well, okay, sounds cool, sounds cool.
All right, let me talk to my boys real quick.
Okay, but you know what? Maybe you should… - …just call back later.
#EDUARDO#
It’s a university number, yo.
Yeah, man, what did you say this cockfaced man was again?
Coleman, man, like the cooler.
Why you so pissed at this guy, Ed? - I can't tell you, man.
Man, but you expect us to go over there and bust up this college prick,
but you can’t tell us why. - It’s embarrassing, V.
Man, we can't justify crippling some dude on a whim.
Yeah, Little Steve’s just not that kinda guy. - Yeah. - Right.
I was at Vinyl, right? And I see some super sharp lookin’ motherfucka, right?
But he sells cocaine, okay? So, you know, I buy some, whatever.
I go, you know, I go to the bathroom, I sniff snort some shit up.
Next thing I know, I shit in my pants, man,
in the middle of my Hammer dance, bro. - Yeah, we heard about that shit.
That was you? - Now you know why I got this, motherfucka.
Oh, whoa, whoa! Put that thing down.
Come on, man. Put the gun down. - No. - What you gonna do with that?
I’m gonna bust a motherfuckin’ cap in his ass. - Shoot your foot off.
Hey, you ain’t never shot a gun before. - Yeah, I have, dude.
I fuckin’ know how to use this shit. I read the instructions, motherfucka.
I am technically a virgin. - Oh, yeah.
Whatever.
Don't let her give you the wrong impression.
Unless you think it might be the right impression.
All right, then. So let’s get down to business.
Yeah, great. These are 20 apiece. And, how many do you need?
We need four.
Eighty bucks?
Would you excuse us for just one second? Just…
Well, we do have an hour or so to kill.
How about a proposition?
Okay.
Maybe there’d be some other way of paying for these pills?
I don't know exactly what you mean.
We’d have a real good time, if you know what I mean.
I'm gonna fuck you with my strap on.
I am not really in the position to be…
Oh, I like your choice of words.
Position. So. What do you say? Hm?
No, I can’t. I'm sorry. Twenty apiece. I'm sorry.
Fine.
Thanks. - Yeah. - Thank you.
‘Kay. See ya later.
Here we go, here we go. Coleman, you little fuckin’ slut. Graves Hall.
They don't give you the fuckin’ room number, though.
I don't know why you're wasting your time with the little bitch.
It’s the principle of the matter, bro. - Man, what are you talkin’ about?
Tell him, tell him. Tell him.
Principle of the matter. And don't be using my shit to prove your point.
Whatever. - It’s something I came up with a few years back.
You know, it’s like a philosophy. You know, it’s kind of like a force.
A force. - But the principle of the matter here is I don't feel like
chasin’ some little college biotch around all day.
You know what? I'm with him. I’m with him.
No, no, but you know what? You know what?
It’s 'cause you don't understand. You guys don't understand. That’s why.
I understand fine. And I think Little Steve understands fine, too.
You couldn’t handle your junk, you shit your pants doin’ the Hammer dance.
I mean, good God, who wouldn’t blame somebody else?
I've done the Hammer dance so many times, I never shit in my pants.
I know it was the coke, dude. He was dealing some bunk shit.
Oh, my God. - Okay? You don't do that to other people.
People don't do that to other people.
You don't do that to other people? What’s it, bad for business?
It’s drug dealing, ya asshole.
Not the most ethical business in the world. God. What’s he talkin’ about?
Fuck youse. - Fuck it. Jesus.
All we gotta do is get in the dorm.
Man, I used to date this chick, she went to school there, and they got this,
coat of arms shit where they don't, like, lock the doors or some shit.
Oh, shit. Man, it’s honor code, man.
Honor code. - Yeah, the fuckin’ honor code.
You ever go to college? - Yeah I went to college. I went to junior college.
You used to pick me up every day, remember?
Junior college for Junior Sanchez.
That’s funny, yeah, yeah. That’s funny, that’s funny. Fuck you, man.
Oh, I love you, Coleman.
I know.
You know what?
I know you love me, and I really like you for that.
So say it, then.
I really like you. A lot.
Oh my God. You know what?
Oh, shit. Should I get this?
No. I think you should get out, is more like it.
Look, don't be irrational, okay? I drove all the way down here.
Yeah, and you won't even say I love you.
Well, that’s a word I like to save for very special situations.
I am your girlfriend. - Okay.
Since the ninth grade! - Yeah, I see where you're going here.
I don't even know why I put up with this anymore.
You know, honey, this might be important.
You know what? I think you should just get out.
I don't even wanna look at you right now. Get out.
Oh, right. Here we go again. Okay.
You slept with my sister. - Yeah, and I thought we were past that already.
Out!
Wait.
You know, it’s not like I slept with some random girl, okay?
At least you know her. - Out!
Fine. Fine.
Fuck!
Press pound for more options. - I hate you, Coleman.
#PETUNIA#
Come on in, it’s open.
Hello. I'm sorry, I think I just have the wrong house.
Are you sure? You're the young man with the ecstasy, aren’t you?
I guess so.
Well just go on downstairs. My granddaughter is waiting for you.
Go on.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes. You like that, you bitch.
What? What?
What are you looking at? Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck. Yeah, take it, take it, you love it.
Yes. You like that?
What the fuck do you want?
Didn’t you call me? I mean, this is…
Shut up. Come here.
What, you want to be one of my little bitches, too?
No, no. I'm not really, I don't... I don't wanna be…
Bitch. Say it. It’s, uh, it’s healthy. It feels good.
A bitch. - Say it! Scream it!
Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! - Good. Now come here.
Shit, sorry, dude. Sorry, man. - Shut up. He probably liked it.
Do you have what I want?
They're in my pocket. And you... I can't really
get into my pocket right now if your hands is and my balls.
Fine by me. No fun for you.
How many do you want?
Well, I need one for myself, three for these pathetic creatures,
and three for the pathetic assholes I have coming next hour. So, seven.
Yeah. That’s $140.
I bind them so they cannot move.
And then, and only then I give them the ecstasy.
No touch. No movement.
It is the modern future of sadomasochistic torture, if you ask me.
Yeah. Sounds cool.
Yes, it’s cool, it’s really cool. Stupid idiot money.
Petunia, honey. Jessica’s on the phone.
Grandma! It’s Madam P. In this room,
I am known as Madam P.
All right, honey.
Leave now. - Yes, Petunia. Madam. Madam.
And you! And you! You bitch.
Shut up. Shut up, Seoul Man, shut up!
Seoul Man? - Yeah, you like that?
Seoul Man was something of a New York legend.
The biggest, baddest, Blackest drug dealer you'd ever seen in your life.
And I just stepped on his hand.
Hello? - Hi. Is this Darren, the ecstasy guy?
Yeah. - So it is true.
Gracie? Where’d you hear that from?
Well, darling, it’s all anyone is talking about these days.
That’s just fantastic.
I'm just kidding. I saw Daniel in Liquid Sky a few minutes ago.
Meet me in my room in, like, 15 minutes. We’re just getting back.
Will do. See ya then.
Shit.
Goddamn it, Michelle. What in the hell are you doing?
Trust me, it’s better. It used to smell like 1969 in here.
Relax. Paul is gone for the weekend.
I know, but Albert is roaming the halls, and he’s, like, tougher than a tiger.
A tiger. - Yes. And speaking of tigers,
I have planned the ultimate door party for this evening.
Well, what the hell does that have to do with a tiger?
No idea.
So.
I have to pee.
Thank you. That’s very helpful.
Hey. - Hey.
She’s driving me up the wall.
I can tell.
So why are you doing this? Seriously?
You know why.
I wish you would have told me about it this morning.
I didn’t know I was gonna do it.
Can you just get a loan or something?
I tried that. I mean, I'm on probation. I can’t get a loan.
You just, you gotta find something else.
Okay. I’ll try. I really will try.
All systems are go. - My turn.
I feel left out of this.
We’re doing a cleanse. - My idea. - Go figure.
So I was thinking. I don't even know why I would help you,
but I do have my cousin Ralphie that
might be interested that I could possibly call.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
He’s a little weird. Really sweet, though.
He dropped out of BC three years ago, after he inherited his trust
when he turned 21. And then he won the lottery like a week later.
I would have dropped out too.
No, see, that’s the thing. He didn’t win, like, the big lottery.
He just won, like, 20 scratch off tickets that he cashed out for $7,000.
But he said it was a sign from God.
Anyways, now he’s just a lonely Internet trader.
Like you'll be someday. - Thanks, Pothead.
You should call him, probably, maybe.
Don't tell Gracie about this, ‘kay?
Just, I kinda wanna keep her out of it.
Sure. - Thank you.
Oh, please, no more. You are such a cunt.
She’s not a cunt, she’s the coolest girl I know.
Can I be a cunt when I grow up?
Only if you work really, really hard at it.
Okay. Hey, don't forget.
Six o’clock, homeless kids, Christmas trees, got it.
Get off my bed. - Fuck you, bitch.
#RALPHIE#
Hey, hey how’s it goin’? - Ralph?
Come on in, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Hey, hey, you want a beer or something, man?
I got Carl Strauss, southern California’s finest.
You know what? I'm gonna have one myself right here.
Hey, thanks, yeah.
Here you go. - Thanks.
So word is you got the E bombs, right?
The word? - Yeah. That's, that’s what Michelle said.
Yeah, yeah, Michelle, okay. - Yeah.
That’s different, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. Here you go. I got ‘em.
Awesome, awesome. Yeah, yeah.
Let me get eight of ‘em.
Eight? - Yeah. - All right. - Yeah.
Yeah. You know what? I think I want 10.
All right. Ten’s even better.
Yeah, I think ten’ll be good. Ten is perfect, yeah.
No, no. That’s crazy. Ten is, 10 is absolutely crazy.
That... I'm sorry. My bad, my bad. Eight.
Yeah, oh… - Eight. Ten is way too much. Just lemme have eight.
You don't wanna kill yourself. - No, exactly. Exact... gimme 10.
You sure? - Gimme 10. Ten.
‘Kay. - Yeah. Yeah.
That’s, that’s 200 bills, dude.
Dude, I just got off work, man. God, what a friggin’ day.
You know, my laptop completely just crashed. Done.
So I spent the whole day trading at the copy center over on Waverly.
And lemme tell you something. Those people over there, they got issues.
Yeah? - God, yeah, dude. Yeah.
Look, man. We’ll get to business in a bit. Do you mind if I?
Oh, no, shit. No, yeah, you can take one.
You sure? - Yeah.
All right, awesome. I have been waiting all day for this, man.
Oh, my God. Jesus, I'm so glad you got here, man.
Oh, God.
Sit down, take it easy.
Go ahead. There ya go.
Before we go any further, I gotta ask you a question.
Now this is totally, 100% serious.
Okay.
Are you into the Strokes?
I mean, I saw them down at CBGB’s before they were anybody with my cousin.
They were awesome. - I'm not talking about the fucking band.
Dude, contrary to what many people think, I am not gay.
Do I give off some kind of gay vibe, or something?
Look, look. I am not talkin’ about swabbin’ the poop deck either, man.
I’m talkin’ about Different Strokes.
Yeah, only the greatest television show ever made? Yeah?
See, that’s the problem, man. People - people don't even know about it anymore.
'Cause the networks, they don't even put it on. And TV Land?
TV Land can go fuck themselves, putting it on all late at night.
Not showin’ it the proper respect that it deserves.
My dream is to buy the rights of that show from NBC
and put it on in rotation at a decent hour.
The show deserves no less, man.
I mean, that show was so ahead of its time. I mean, come on.
Interracial families? That is some heavy shit for network TV back in the day.
Yeah, I remember, like, what you talkin’ about, Willis?
You are so goddamn right, brother.
And it’s not just Willis.
It is what everyone was talkin’ ‘bout.
Hey, let me ask you something. So you're down with the show, right?
Well, uh, yeah…
Yes, man. I mean, today is your lucky day.
Today is the luckiest day that you have ever had.
You know?
I really like you. A lot.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
Oh, you dick tease.
Child molestation? I mean, come on, man.
No other show even touches on that shit.
Oh. I gotta go take care of some business right here.
Hey, do you think you should be doing business in your condition?
Yeah? Yeah.
I know it’s a fuckin’ big deal.
You want an answer? Huh?
You want an answer? I’ll give you a fuckin’ answer.
Why don't you take those fuckin’ papers and shove them up your ass?
Yeah. Yeah, I know it’s a big deal.
Well, I’ll fuckin’ take care of it tomorrow, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I know it’s all on the fuckin’ line right now.
Yeah. All right. All right! All right.
It’s my mom.
Aw, shit, man, shit, I gotta go.
Really? - Yeah.
Hey, listen. Just so you know, you could stay here as long as you wanna, man.
It’s cool. Chill out, and just so you know, man.
All that stuff, that had nothing to do with you, man. - No.
That was between me, her, and some late fees on some videos, man.
It has nothing to do with you, I promise.
Yeah, I know. I just I have, you know, my business,
and I gotta take it when I can get it, you know?
Hey, I understand, man. I'm with you.
Let me, let me give you some scratch, buddy. ‘Kay?
Thank you. - Yeah, dude. - Thank you for this.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You take a check?
Yeah, uh, yeah. - Is that cool, or what? Is that fine?
That’s cool. - It’s cool? - That’s cool. Just…
All right. - …make it out to Darren Giles.
All right. All right. - Just, Giles, G,I…
Darren? - Darren.
Giles. Giles? G…
G, I… - I… - L, E…
E and S. Darren Giles. All right, man. All right, buddy.
I got this. Here you go, man. - Yeah.
That’s for you, man. - Thank you. - Yeah. - Thank you very much. Thanks.
Hey, hey. Hey, what are you guys doin’ this weekend, huh?
You know, we’re probably just going to the dorm to have a party.
You know, Michelle. - Yeah, you guys live close to each other, right?
Like, two doors down. - That’s cool.
All right, hey, man. Not tryin’ to hold you back. - No.
You do what you gotta do. Hey, the elevator’s right over there. - Yup.
Hey, it was great to meet you, man. - Yes.
This was so awesome.
God. That kid’s great.
Smart, like that. Went to college. Hmm, yeah, yeah.
Education. That’s good, good stuff. It shows.
Kid’s got a brain on him. Yup.
I'm gonna see that kid again. Our paths will cross.
That’s good, yeah.
What you talkin’ about, Darren? - Shut up.
Why? - Because. Bitch.
Did you just call her a bitch?
No. Uh, where are you guys going?
To get some pizza. Do you wanna come?
I have to do my paper.
Please?
Okay. I can’t say no to that. Don't do that.
Are you sure there isn't any meat on this?
That’s the whole point of ordering a vegetarian slice.
Do you think they use meat when they make their sauce?
Michelle, it’s vegetarian.
To use meat would defeat the whole purpose of using that word.
You know, I heard that if you don't eat meat, it, like, intensifies your high.
Bullshit.
No, it’s, like, scientifically proven and stuff.
Scientifically? - Do you have any documentation on that one?
No, but I bet I could find some, smart guy.
Well, see, the Deadheads discovered it back in the sixties,
and then they passed it on to the, the fish people after Jerry died.
And that’s why they're all vegans.
That is the most asinine thing I've ever heard in my life.
I don't have time for this. I have to go meet the tree guy.
Yeah, I have to, uh, do my paper anyway.
Okay, well. But I will see you at 6:00?
Oh yeah. I’ll see you then.
Well, I have to go do something too.
And in conclusion, I believe Dante was right when he said life is hell.
You start at the bottom, you work your way up to the top,
and when you finally get there, you realize it’s still hell.
And then you die. And done.
Done!
Hello? - Hey, Darren, it’s Scott.
Hey, Scott, what’s up? - Nothin’ much, man.
Nanny was wondering if you were comin’ to Long Island this weekend.
Oh, man, I would love to, but I can’t…
…I might come on Tuesday, right before I leave.
Cool, cool. - Dude, no offense, but I gotta run.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Listen, real quick. One thing quickly…
…I promise. - What’s up? Is everything all right?
No, nothing like that. Yeah, everything’s fine.
I was just wondering one quick thing.
You remember that stuff you bought out a couple of weeks ago from your roommate?
The, the ecstasy? - I do.
Do you know where I can get any more of it?
I have, like, a bunch of friends that want some, too.
Do you know anybody that can help us out?
Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour. - Great, great.
Thank you. I’ll pay for your ticket, too, no problem.
Awesome. See you soon.
Party services.
Dear God, Honey, he’s selling his body to the queers.
Honey? It’s okay.
You don't have to do this to get revenge on us. We understand.
Please tell me you're using condoms.
I am not gay! - Well, we’ll see about that.
Look, I love you, but I have to go, okay? I don't have time for this.
I have to go to Long Island to see Scott.
Now, is Scott a friend, or is he more than a friend?
Scott, my cousin, your nephew. Scott. - Oh, okay.
Look, I'm gonna miss my train if I don't go right now, okay?
I’ll call you on the weekend, bye. - Bye.
Sounds like our son is in denial. - Yes indeedy.
Yes indeedy. Sounds like he’s a chip off the old Uncle Greg.
We’re going to take number one again this year.
You comin’? - No.
Hey, Scott. You'd better make that two hours.
#PETUNIA... AGAIN#
Yes, sir. Me and my friends are going to this party later on,
and I promised them that I could get enough for all of us.
That sounds just peachy.
Peddling your dirty drugs in school.
How dare you, young lady.
This fine institution will not tolerate such behavior.
You must be severely punished.
I understand, sir. Here’s your money, mister.
Thank you.
Get over here right now, young lady.
Yes, Principal Myers.
I’ll see you, uh, later.
Who’s your principal? - You are, sir.
You are, sir. You are, sir.
Oh, God, I’ll never play again.
#COUSIN SCOTT#
Thanks for comin’ out here all of a sudden.
I wouldn’t have called, but things have just gotten crazy.
How’s that? - There’s only one guy
in the whole school who can hook up some X,
and he knows it, too. So he upped his price to $35 a pill.
That’s ridiculous. - Yeah.
Does, 20 sound better to you? - Yeah. Yeah.
All right. How about a, um, bag of 10?
Thank you so much. Ah.
I'm sorry I can’t, like, stay any longer. I kinda gotta go.
Aw, it’s cool. It’s... I’ll see you at Christmas.
All right, that’s okay. Yeah.
All right, thanks, Scott. - Thank you, dude. See ya.
Got your eyes on him? - Yeah.
I think this is the new kid on the block everyone was talkin’ about today.
Think he’s a threat to The Seoul? - Yeah, I think he’s a fuckin’ threat.
You fuckin’ with me, bitch? - Hey, look,
I'm not tryin’ to step on anybody’s toes here, okay?
But this must be one huge ass operation if he’s covering
Manhattan and Strong Island in one day.
Aight, bitch. I’ll take care of this shit.
Yeah, looks like his train’s heading back to the city right now.
What the hell is this?
You think you can fuck with the man and get away with it.
You think that Seoul Man doesn’t hear about everything
that goes down in this motherfuckin’ city.
What? Where the hell am I, man?
'Cause he does. And he knows that you’ve been with his business today.
And he don't like that at all little man. 'Cause Seoul may not be the biggest,
but he’d fuck you up with a one inch punch, just like Bruce.
Shit, you're The Seoul Man?
I thought you were Black. - What?
#THE SEOUL MAN#
It’s Seoul, with an E? Like the capital of Korea?
You dumb cracker. You know what we do with crackers around here?
Dude, I just needed the money for one day. One day only, man.
My roommate gave me the pills just so that I could get a bill paid for tomorrow.
Just let me go for this one day.
I promise you'll never hear from me again. I promise.
Kinda bitch ass Nancy boy you think I am?
Seoul Man don't play that way. No.
He’s up at Scores, sipping cognac with Howard.
Chillin’ Atlantic City, keepin’ that Jersey titty.
I ain’t no bitch, and I definitely don't let no bitch talk to me that way.
Ever. I put bitches and bitches like you in their place.
Dude, I would never- I would- I wouldn’t even -
I would never, man, shut the fuck up.
Had enough of this shit.
You pasty ass, inbred motherfucka. Cut this fool.
Shut the fuck up, Seoul Man. - Hold it.
What the fuck you say to Seoul?
It’s the future of modern torture.
I know who puts who in whose place. Bitch.
Shit.
Damn. Let’s roll.
Wait. You guys aren’t gonna fuckin’ untie me, are ya?
I don't even know where I am.
Well, I'm here to give my cousin some soup, you know what I mean?
She’s sick. She’s in need of my medical attention, is what it is. Okay?
Somebody has to sign ya in if you wanna go upstairs.
Really? - Yeah. - Did you not hear me? Are you stupid or somethin’?
I said look, man, this is soup, okay? This is super soup.
She needs super soup to get better. I told you, she’s sick.
I don't care if she has malaria. No one gets upstairs unless they're signed in.
Don't be coppin’ no attitude with me, all right?
Hey, what kind of higher education is this, huh?
Maybe I should tell the administration about this shit.
I'm sure they would love if you took their shit up to them.
Yeah? - Yeah. - Well, I got somethin’ for ya. It’s a big fat bowl of dicks.
You wanna eat it, motherfucker? - Okay.
Any time. Right now. Me and you. You take off that gun, I'm right here.
Oh, any time, sonny boy. - I’m right here. You think I'm scared of you, bro?
Junior… - Look, I'm almost laughing to you right now. You know what?
You're so beautiful, I think you'd like my new dance. You like my new dance?
How you like? That’s what I'm talkin’ about.
You're a rent-a-cop. You ain’t shit, motherfucker.
That’s why you're mad. I’ll sign here, motherfucker.
Look. Let me in the motherfuckin’ elevator. Right now. right now. I’ll kill you.
Chill out, chill out, chill out. Chill, chill, chill, chill.
Jayne here is gonna sign us in. roommate.
Oh yeah, she is? - Okay, good. Okay, good.
Your cousin. She’s gonna sign in. - Right, right, right, right.
Your cousin. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, your cousin.
Yeah, beautiful. - Come on. - How you like them apples?
Come on. - Hey, keep the soup.
Hey, when I find him? I'm gonna rip him a new asshole.
What do you think about that, huh?
She don't care, Ed. - It’s true.
Yeah, yeah? Well, fuck you then, all right?
Chill out, Ed. Listen,
I think me and Jayne are gonna head up to her room for a little bit.
What? Little Steve, how about you, man?
Hey. Got a roommate, right?
That’s fuckin’ great. Ooh, that’s great.
That’s great. Bros before hos, remember that?
Bros before hos? It even rhymes. Fuckers.
‘Scuse me.
It’s your world, right? I just live in it?
I must pee, and then I’ll be okay.
Hello? Hey, man, I gotta piss.
You here, man?
Come on, man.
Little Steve, I told you, I bruise like a peach.
You, you, you. You, you. You know Coleman like the cooler?
What? - Coleman, like the cooler. Coleman like the cooler!
Coleman. Yeah, he’s a royal dick. He lives on the third floor, room 315.
Three one five. - The guy is crazy.
Eduardo, the third floor is downstairs. Come on, we better go.
Hey, Chuck.
Sorry.
Thanks,
what’s, what was your name again?
Marla. - Marla?
Why don't you stop by my room later?
Actually, you know what? Don't worry about it.
Fuck!
That’s not the guy. - What’d you say?
You shot me! - I said that’s not him. - He shot me, man.
Should I shoot him again, just so he won’t tell anybody? What?
Fuck no, man! - Go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Fuck. Fuck.
Hey. What the fuck are you guys doing to my door?
Oh, shit.
Hey, man.
Yo, what the fuck happened to you, dude?
How you doin’? What you need, you need smoke? - No.
What you need, drugs? - I did the drugs.
You look like you did the drugs. You need bitches?
And I got bitches. C Low got flavors.
I got blondes with black hair, I got black haired blondes,
I got blondes with blue eyes, I got blondes black eyes,
pistachi hos, strawberry dickery, butterican pinky
I'm the only motherfucker with hos.
Mocha, don't touch me, I will smack the shit out you, White boy.
Right. - Put your hands to yourself. So what can I help you with?
I need your coat.
This is the fur of the century,
with more sexual experiences than Wilt Chamberlain.
This fur means more to me than most of my bitches.
I’ll give you $300.
And my bitches don't mean too much to me. Money talks, bitch. All right. Put it on.
Yeah, I gotta check it out.
Fix your pants, White boy. Fuck happened to you?
Oh, I'm good. Yeah!
Get the fuck outta here. Walk like a pimp, bitch.
Hey. Let me get this for you. - I got it.
I'm so sorry. - It’s fine.
It’s not fine. I know how much that meant to you,
and I wanted to be there. I was on my way.
I know what you were doing. That doesn’t make it any better.
Gracie, Gracie, wait. Please. - Why?
Look, I can’t imagine how let down you feel right now.
All I wanted to do was be there.
But you weren’t. Sometimes, it takes more than just wanting something. Darren.
You're just not who I thought you were.
Gracie, that’s not who I...
it was just one day that I did this, okay?
And you have to understand that.
I don't have to understand it.
Maybe you should get that.
Are you mad at me?
No. Just disappointed. Okay?
I'm sure he’ll be right here.
Do you think we can put the hardware down now?
Yeah, we can do that.
Bang!
So, I’ll give you whatever ecstasy he has left.
I’ll give you my watch, it’s a Tag.
It’s a real one. And we’ll call it even.
All right. I think that’s equally beneficial to both parties.
What? Okay, if that’s the way it’s gotta be, man.
No, I'm gonna shoot him. Like, just in the foot, or something.
No, gimme, gimme the gun.
Fuck.
Hey, sorry about the blood and stuff, Coleman.
It’s not mine. No harm, no foul, right?
Right.
Hey, just one more thing, okay?
You gotta blow me. - What?
You see? He was thinking about it. Such a fag. Such a fuckin’ fag.
Yeah.
Hey so with that E, can I get some glow sticks?
You know what I mean, so I could dance?
I heard you shit yourself the last time you went dancing.
Ha, ha, ha, motherfucker, that’s funny, I’ll kill you. Gimme that fuckin’…
Dude, come on, seriously. Easy, we’re past that now.
Holy shit.
Hey, buddy. Did ya have a good day?
What the hell is this?
Look, Darren, I'm gonna need that E back.
I need it. - Darren, I think it would be a good idea to give the drugs
to the man who has a gun pointed at your fucking head. Don't you?
That’s right.
Fucker.
Pleasure doin’ business with you.
Oh, and one more thing? All right, now, you gotta blow Little Steve.
You blow Little Steve. Get the fuck outta my room.
What the hell are you doing?
Packing. Considering I'm not gonna be here much longer,
I felt I might as well get a head start, since I can go to the party tonight.
There’s a party? Where? - Don't you ever stop, man?
Please. Stop whining, okay?
Look, you just had a gun pointed at your face, all right?
And I don't know about you, but I could use a drink.
Look, I hope you take offense to this. Go fuck yourself. What do I have left?
I gave up everything today. I coulda got arrested, I coulda got shot,
I coulda got killed. I coulda been gangraped by a large group of Asian men.
Yeah. It’s drug dealing. There are consequences.
I shoulda just got a job. I shoulda just got a job, or something.
I coulda figured something out, but no, I let
you bring me into this world of shit today.
Here I am, still leaving school. - Well, I am sorry for that.
That’s not good enough. You and your money
and your bullshit. I'm done with it.
All right. All right. Stop. Stop!
Don't put your hand around my neck. - Then back off. Back off.
You're an asshole. You know that, right?
Yeah. I'm an asshole.
And you're the nice guy that usually gets shit on.
That happens to be the basis of our friendship.
But let me ask you something, man.
I mean, why do you really wanna stay in school?
'Cause. 'Cause I don't wanna be a fuck up anymore.
I refuse to let other people control my life.
I can’t. Not anymore.
Well, I'm sure there’s at least one girl down the hall
who would really like to hear you say that.
No, I'm pretty sure there’s not.
You'd be surprised, man.
You know, sometimes people just need a little shock
to the system to get them to see what’s important, right?
You needed an electric chair.
Personally, I'm amazed at what one day can do to somebody.
Wait. Are you trying to tell me you did it all for that?
That you cared about somebody else?
Everything is about you.
Everything is always about you, Coleman. You did not do this for me.
How would I know, man? I’m just an asshole, remember?
Yes, you are an asshole.
After hours answering service.
I’d like to schedule an appointment to make a tuition payment tomorrow.
No, not for me.
Okay. Thank you very much.
I know that you don't even wanna look at me right now,
but just let me say this.
I just screwed everything up.
I don't know if I just couldn’t see it altogether,
all the times I coulda said something.
Doesn’t matter, I'm not talking my way around it anymore.
I don't know what I'm gonna do next semester.
I don't even know what I'm gonna do tomorrow.
I just know that I made a mistake, and that you're hurt because of it.
And I am so sorry for that.
Well, what are you gonna do to make it up to me?
So.
Here you go. Good? Excellent.
Okay. Wait. Okay.
What is this for again?
Let’s just say it’ll make my parents really proud.
Smile. - Thanks.