1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,000 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:08,520 MUSIC: Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet 3 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:18,080 # Oh, yeah... # 4 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,000 Ladies and gentlemen, 5 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,800 please welcome your host for tonight, 6 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,400 Judi Love! 7 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,280 CHEERING 8 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:31,240 MUSIC: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day by Wizzard 9 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,240 Yes! 10 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,600 Merry Christmas, Apollo! 11 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 12 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,240 How you guys doing? 13 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,040 CHEERING 14 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,760 Christmas-time is special. 15 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,920 It is special. I find with Christmas, right, 16 00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:59,640 you're always, like, worrying about, you know, 17 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,880 having a partner - I'm recently single. 18 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,560 Any single people here? 19 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,360 CHEERING 20 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:06,800 Oh, are you two single? 21 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,240 Oh, how long you been single for? 22 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,880 So long, you can't remember. 23 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,720 Is it... How long has it been? One week. 24 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,280 One... Hold on a minute, hold on. 25 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,400 Wait, hold on. I need you lot to hear this. 26 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,040 It's been one week? 27 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,440 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,280 Babes, you probably still smell of them! 29 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,680 What you talking about? 30 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,920 Is it a good break-up or a bad break-up? 31 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,760 A good one. A good one, I hear you. 32 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,760 Sometimes, you just gotta walk away and let them know what they've lost. 33 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,080 Yeah, I understand, you know, but the thing is, 34 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,880 it's Christmas now, and you want that person, don't you? 35 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,360 You want someone to kind of be there. 36 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,400 You want to open a present from someone who feels 37 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,080 like you're special. Do you get what I mean? 38 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:51,120 And what happens sometimes is you end up just going on dates 39 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:54,320 and meeting guys or women just in that moment, 40 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:58,160 because you think, "I've got two weeks until Christmas..." 41 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,600 LAUGHTER 42 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,160 "I need somebody around, anybody." 43 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,840 But I always try to get rid of them, 44 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:09,720 like, a few weeks after Christmas. 45 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,960 You have to, you have to cut them off, keep it moving, 46 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,360 and just walk away. 47 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,200 And sometimes, that doesn't happen. 48 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,040 Sometimes, they linger around until it's like... 49 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,720 That lady nodded, like, "Yeah". It lingers. 50 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,280 It lingers until the point where it's years later - 51 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,640 and some of you are here with them right now. 52 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:27,800 Do you know what I mean? 53 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,840 LAUGHTER 54 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:36,400 One of the things I've realised this Christmas, is I am not... 55 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,680 ..dating broke dick no more. 56 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,760 LAUGHTER 57 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:46,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 58 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,880 And when I say "broke dick", I don't mean broke as in, 59 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,600 broken, don't work. 60 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,360 I mean, broke in like, "Where's the money at"? Broke. 61 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,800 I'm not... 62 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:01,320 Y-You can't be doing broke dick at Christmas! OK? 63 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,160 Because the problem is, the broke dick brothers - 64 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,000 they work hard, not at work, 65 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,560 but in the bedroom, because they've got nothing else to do. 66 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,560 So, they're in their bedrooms going, "Pap, pap", practising. 67 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,640 They, look, all day, "Pap, pap, pap". 68 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,000 Christmas-time, they're like, "I'm going to give her 69 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,160 "the Christmas ding-a-ling-a-ling a-ling-a-ling!" 70 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:23,160 And that broke-dick brother will turn up at your house 71 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,880 on Christmas Eve, right? 72 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,800 And you're like, "No, I know myself. Are you mad? 73 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,120 "How dare you? Are you crazy? 74 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,680 "I've been watching Oprah, OK? 75 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,200 "I'm meditating, I'm doing yoga, 76 00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,640 "I'm doing Pilates." 77 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:41,400 But down there is going, "Vroom, vroom, vroom," 78 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,800 and you're trying to walk away from it, cos you're like, "No." 79 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,800 And then, the problem is, the last time he came to your house 80 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,600 with his broke-dick self, 81 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,240 he borrowed your car, 82 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,240 which had a full tank of petrol, 83 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:56,120 he drove it out until Boxing Day, brought it back empty, 84 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,440 but with a fucking car seat in it. 85 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,200 Right? LAUGHTER 86 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,680 And you're like, "I'm not having this." 87 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,000 And what happens? You end up saying to him, "You know what? 88 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,560 "This is the last time. This is the last time!" 89 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,440 LAUGHTER 90 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,760 You know, and I've moved, I've moved. 91 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,080 It's going to be my first Christmas in my new house. 92 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,280 AUDIENCE CHEERS 93 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,440 I'm originally from South London. 94 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,440 Well, originally from East London, but I moved to South London. 95 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,040 Anyone here from South London? 96 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,760 CHEERING 97 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,640 The problem is, South London has got a really bad reputation, right? 98 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:35,200 I had some friends come from LA the other day to come and visit me, 99 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:38,920 do a show, and they came to visit me in South...in New Cross. 100 00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,680 Erm, it's definitely - yeah, big up yourself - 101 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,400 but it's definitely not new, love, 102 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,240 it's not new, and it's definitely cross, OK? 103 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:46,680 LAUGHTER 104 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,160 And I had to give them the logistics when they were coming. 105 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,320 I said, "Listen, just come, wear a little hoodie. 106 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,000 "Turn that diamond ring round. 107 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,400 "Don't take your watch out. 108 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,440 "Don't speak to anyone and keep your head down. 109 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,600 "If anyone talks to you, you say, 'I'm a bad man.' " 110 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,920 Do you understand what I'm saying? 111 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:04,160 So, you know, I decided to move, I moved a little bit. 112 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,480 I've gone more to, like, the south-west kind of sides. 113 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:08,520 WHOOP 114 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,880 Yeah, south-west... SHE MUTTERS 115 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,760 ..where they all talk like this, 116 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,720 and they've got a WhatsApp group. 117 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:21,080 STIFFLY: Oh, has anyone here got a WhatsApp group on your road? 118 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:24,040 I'm in a WhatsApp group, and I absolutely love 119 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:25,320 the WhatsApp group. 120 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,880 "Oh, my God, your plants are so nice." 121 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,480 "Oh, my God, I saw you from my south-facing garden." 122 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,920 And the thing is, when you are buying a house, 123 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,640 they do look at you, and they always say "south-facing garden" - 124 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,640 I didn't know nothing about no south-facing... 125 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,480 I was like, "Whatever garden the council's going to give me, 126 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,400 "bredrin, I'll take it." 127 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,560 But now I've got to pick where I want to live. 128 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,360 And I was like, "OK, I'll take this one, 129 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,640 "with the south-facing garden." I didn't understand it. 130 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,160 So, I stood in there, and the sun shined on my face... 131 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,240 ..in the south-facing garden... 132 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:01,960 ..and I fell in love! 133 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,320 And so, I moved, and my son, my son was... 134 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,240 It's a little less diverse, where I am. 135 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:11,600 It's a little less, all right, a little less. 136 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,200 A little, little less. 137 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,520 It's like "spot the black" less, you know? 138 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,480 And my son was saying to me, "Mum, Mum, Mum," like, 139 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,160 "Is it going to be diverse?" 140 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:26,880 And I'm like, "Of course! It's still London, son." 141 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,240 As I signed the papers, my voice started to change. 142 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,560 POSH ACCENT: "Of course, darling...sweetie pie." 143 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,240 LAUGHTER 144 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,200 "And if it doesn't change, we'll ask your nanny to help you." 145 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,960 Got him into a really nice school. He's in his school. 146 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,840 And he said to me, "Mum," he rolled up to school, 147 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,160 "Is it going to be diverse?" Of course it's going to be diverse! 148 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,400 Pulled into the school - 149 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,720 he was the only fucking black kid in his class. 150 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,680 I said, "Just blend in, darling. Blend in." 151 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,960 "Mummy's worked hard for us to get here, darling." 152 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,320 Cos I started to teach him, it's not about racism sometimes. 153 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,640 Sometimes it's about classism. "Just blend in, sweetheart." 154 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,520 And we're there, and then they contact me, and they said, 155 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:14,960 "Erm, we're going to take, er, some of the school kids to Africa." 156 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,520 LAUGHTER 157 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,200 And I was like, "What, just my kid, are you taking?" 158 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,040 Like, did my kid join the school, and you went, 159 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,040 "OK, OK, right, let's have a team meeting. 160 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,320 "I think we should take him to Africa!" 161 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,840 LAUGHTER 162 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,840 I was like, "Any particular part?" "South Africa." 163 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,480 I was like, "OK, South Africa! Oh, my God! OK." 164 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,760 I was like... We had to have a meeting, right, 165 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,520 a meeting about the holiday, right? 166 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,080 And I was like, "OK, it's a great opportunity for him," you know? 167 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:49,800 But, as a black parent, I was like, 168 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,360 "I haven't really taken him to, like, deep Africa," 169 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,960 you know, deep, deep Africa, 170 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,200 not just Comic Relief Africa, but... 171 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,800 LAUGHTER 172 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,160 ..you know, like, deep where all the riches and the diamonds, 173 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,840 and the kings and queens, and all that beautiful land 174 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:05,800 and really understanding our history. 175 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,600 I've taken him to Morocco, but I want to take him, like, 176 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,320 proper Africa, you know, like... 177 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,080 SHE TRILLS ..Africa! 178 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,560 So, I had the meeting, I'd got into the school and the meeting - 179 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:21,160 I'm the only black parent in this meeting. 180 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,840 All the other parents are like... 181 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,560 STIFFLY: "Oh, I really need to know the dates 182 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,720 "that you're planning to fly... 183 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,320 "..because I've got a house in Cape Town, 184 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,480 "and we might go there the week beforehand." 185 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,400 Another one's like, "I've got a house in Botswana, 186 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,160 "and I might be going there. 187 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,600 "Because I've gone to Africa so many times." 188 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,600 And then they turn to me, and they said to me, 189 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,800 "Have you been to Africa?" 190 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,200 In that moment, I looked at them and said, 191 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,200 "I am Africa!" 192 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:54,680 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 193 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,920 You know, I realise we've had quite a hard time. 194 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,000 I mean, where's all my white men? 195 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,400 SPARSE CHEERING 196 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,480 Oh, don't get scared now, white men. 197 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,280 LAUGHTER 198 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,080 Don't do this. Don't do this. 199 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,920 White men, where are ya?! 200 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,120 LOUD CHEERING 201 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,440 Yeah, that's the privilege we want to hear! 202 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,840 LAUGHTER 203 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:26,880 I must say, white men, you are having a really difficult time. 204 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,720 White men - do you feel that, sir? 205 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:32,760 DISTANT: Yeah! 206 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,400 Oh, watch one of them, "Yeah!" 207 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,240 You're having a really bad time, white men. 208 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,280 I'm feeling for you, your representation of lately 209 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,320 has been really bad, hasn't it? 210 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,120 When you think - we go way back, with Boris Johnson, 211 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,680 that was your representation. 212 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:51,320 Er, you know, Matt Hancock, isn't it? 213 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,560 Whose cock was in someone's hand. 214 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:00,720 You know, we did, as well, have, oof...the riots this year. 215 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:05,040 Do you remember the riots some months ago, in the summer? 216 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:06,080 SPARSE CHEERING 217 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,640 I know. Look, at the end of the day, it is Christmas, 218 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,560 and we don't want no riots in Christmas. 219 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,640 But I must say, those rioters, 220 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,880 they were bad representation for you. 221 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,360 Do you know what I mean? Was you at the riots? 222 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,520 LAUGHTER 223 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,800 I mean, seriously, they were rioting, 224 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,240 "Go back to where you came from." 225 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,200 What, fuckin' South London, bredrin? 226 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,760 LAUGHTER 227 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:30,640 We had rioters rioting down the place, right? 228 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:31,880 And they were looting. 229 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,520 They decided to go and loot Greggs, right? 230 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,960 Lush. 231 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,080 And I'm like, "You're going to Greggs and Lush, 232 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,800 "and you're toothless! 233 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,840 "Bredrin, you need to go and loot a fucking dentist, mate." 234 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,320 Do you know what I mean? 235 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:52,320 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 236 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,960 Since the riots, up to now, even up to Christmas, 237 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,640 up to Christmas, I get, you know, people 238 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,680 in South West come up to me and go, 239 00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:09,000 "Oh, my God, I'm so, so glad we've gone past the summer." 240 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,480 "You know, I'm... not all of us are like that. 241 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,800 "We don't believe in what those rioters believe in. 242 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,920 "It's an absolute disgrace, and we're so sorry." 243 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,120 And I'm like, "You don't have to apologise for them. You don't..." 244 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,440 And then, a part of me thinks, 245 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,920 "Oh...well, how sorry are you?" 246 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,280 Like, how sorry? 247 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:28,000 "How sorry are you, sir? 248 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,600 "Are you, like, reparational sorry, sir? 249 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,760 "Are you like, 250 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,360 " 'pay for my two black kids to go to private school' sorry, sir? 251 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,440 "Are you, 252 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,320 " 'going to pay off this 5.2 interest rate mortgage' sorry, sir?" 253 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,640 Like, how sorry are you? 254 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:46,440 LAUGHTER 255 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,360 I feel like white men are struggling so much, 256 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,080 especially in media and society. 257 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,000 You're having such a hard time, white men, that I feel like 258 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,440 we're going to soon see white men walking down the road going... 259 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:01,560 HUMMING SOULFULLY 260 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:12,520 HUMMING CONTINUES 261 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,000 APPLAUSE 262 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,360 Now is your time, white men, 263 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,240 where you should think about being trans-racial. 264 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:28,280 LAUGHTER 265 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,200 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 266 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,720 Find that little inner black inside you and let him come out! 267 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,880 This is your time where you can just say it without feeling bad, 268 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,200 and you can say "wagwan", right? 269 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,080 You look like the inner... 270 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,840 Come here, come here, come here, come here. 271 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,560 Yeah, you, come here, come here. 272 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,000 You look like the inner black is inside you! 273 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,040 What's your name? 274 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,640 What's your name? Toby. 275 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,000 To... No, you wouldn't... 276 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,680 Let the black in you - so you'd be like, "Toby!" 277 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:57,840 IMITATES JUDI: Toby! 278 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,240 Now you... 279 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:02,720 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 280 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,880 Release your inner black, Toby, 281 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,960 and say, "Wagwan, Judi Love!" 282 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,640 Wagwan, Judi Love! 283 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:10,960 Yes! 284 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,920 CHEERING 285 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,760 Did you see Toby? At the end, he was like, 286 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,440 "That's not enough! Yes!" 287 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,240 This is what Christmas does to you. 288 00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,680 Do you know what I mean? 289 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040 I'm a single parent - any single parents here? 290 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,200 CHEERING Oh, not that many. 291 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:38,040 There's levels to this single parenthood, though, right? 292 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,240 There's single parenthood, 293 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,520 where, like, you've got your co-parent, 294 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:43,680 do you know what I mean? 295 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,480 You co-parent, you swap on the weekends, 296 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,400 you do all that kind of stuff, do you know what I mean? 297 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,800 You've got grandparents. 298 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,520 Single parents where... SHE SIGHS 299 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,440 ..you know, they dip in and out with the co-parent, and then, 300 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:58,320 I'm like, lower, lower-level single parent, 301 00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,960 where it's just me. 302 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,920 Like, don't get me wrong, there was a moment where we'd co-parent, 303 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,120 and that was literally the time when he was inside me 304 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:08,640 making the baby. 305 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,960 LAUGHTER 306 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,920 That was the last time we co-parented. 307 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,280 And, you know, being a single parent at Christmas, right? 308 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:22,680 You get the kids, "Oh, Mum, Mum." 309 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,400 When my kids were young, they were like, 310 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,920 "Mum, Mum, what does Santa Claus look like?" 311 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,160 And I said, "Well, Santa Claus shouldn't be just defined 312 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,600 "as a him, right? 313 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,760 "Might be a woman. 314 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:36,360 "Might be a black woman... 315 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,880 "..with big eyes... 316 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,000 "..and curly hair, and diamante nails. 317 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,520 "With a name that might start with a J. 318 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,320 "And last name might start with a L..." 319 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,760 Because you get frustrated, as single parents, 320 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,920 you're kind of like, "Well, I'm Santa Claus, bitch!" 321 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,320 Do you know what I mean? LAUGHTER 322 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,760 Running up and down, sweating all over the place. 323 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:02,280 You ain't got no elves helping you! Do you understand what I'm saying? 324 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,520 I remember when I was young, I lived with my mum. 325 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,360 Big up, all the mums here. 326 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,840 CHEERING 327 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,320 Going to be sweating on Christmas Day, cooking... 328 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,560 See, at my house, it's black Christmas. 329 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,640 You know, black Christmas, you come down, 330 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,040 and there's black Jesus on the wall. 331 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,960 And we have said this before, but we know Jesus is black. 332 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,480 Do you know how we know? 333 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,800 Because he was supposed to come back ages ago, 334 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,240 and he still ain't here. 335 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,720 LAUGHTER 336 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,880 APPLAUSE 337 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,720 He'll definitely come back, though. 338 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,320 He'll come back - in his time. 339 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:42,600 Can you imagine black Jesus? 340 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,920 "Me soon come, man, me soon come. 341 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:46,480 "Everyting nice, man." 342 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,760 I'm just assuming he's Jamaican. Do you know what I mean? 343 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,680 He's going to come with the love, you know what I mean? 344 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,080 But black Christmas is different, because we go all out 345 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,080 when it comes to food - we all do, actually, 346 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,680 I think it's working-class. We just go out for the food. 347 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,400 But have any of you have ever been to a Caribbean or African 348 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,360 person's house for food? 349 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,880 It's almost like a sin and a disrespect to not have 350 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:14,040 more food than all of us could eat in one person's house, OK? 351 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,280 And I was like, "Mum, why are you cooking all of this food? 352 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,920 "Like, I know it's Christmas, but it's a bit much." 353 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,280 And I was young them days, 354 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,240 I was on the phone to my bredrin, 355 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,120 in my bedroom, and I was like, 356 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:28,560 "Oh, my God..." Cos I was telling her all the juice, I was about 19, 357 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,800 and it's Christmas, right? 358 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,680 And I did doggy style for the first time. 359 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,000 LAUGHTER 360 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,040 Yeah, I thought, "I'm grown. 361 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,800 "I'm grown." Do you know what I mean? 362 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,000 So I was telling her, I was like, "Oh, my God, Cheryl, guess what? 363 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000 She's like, "What?" I was like, "I did doggy style! 364 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,760 "Da-da-da-da-da!" 365 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,240 And she was like, "Da-dee-ya!" I was like, "Yeah!" 366 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,600 And I saw this little light outside my room and I looked, 367 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,560 I thought, "OK, it's fine," right? 368 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,240 And this Christmas, my dad was there - who's quite quiet. 369 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,360 He's genuinely quiet anyway, cos he passed away now, 370 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,680 bless his cotton socks. LAUGHTER 371 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,680 But my dad was there. 372 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:08,000 My bad cousin, bad-boy cousin was there. 373 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,280 And my sister, who's very Christian, you know, 374 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,400 like Christian-Christian, no-sex-before-marriage Christian, 375 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,200 right, and my mum was there. 376 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,560 And obviously, I'm feeling myself. 377 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,000 I feel like I'm a grown woman. 378 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,120 And there's all that food out there. 379 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,960 The jerk chicken, everything. 380 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,160 And my mum's trying to share my plate and I'm like, 381 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:26,840 "I don't want that. I don't want that. 382 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:28,760 "I just want carrots. I don't want that. 383 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,480 "I just want broccoli. I don't want that. 384 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,760 "I just want the vegetables." 385 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,280 And she jumped up and said, "Oh! Yuh no want the food? 386 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,040 "Yuh watch your figure?" I said, "Yeah". 387 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,200 She goes, "Oh, why? Cos you deh pon the doggy style?" 388 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,400 SHE GASPS LAUGHTER 389 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,920 In front of my dad! 390 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,360 My dad kept on eating, like he didn't know what was going on. 391 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,920 My bad-man cousin jumped up, "Who the hell is this breda? 392 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:50,960 "Who is this breda?" 393 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,720 My sister started saying, "In the name of Jesus! 394 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,800 "In the name of Jesus!" 395 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,160 In that moment, I was like, 396 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,600 "Mum! How the hell do you know about doggy style?" 397 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,320 She goes, "How you tink I made you? 398 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,560 "Pon deh doggy style with your dad!" 399 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,120 LAUGHTER 400 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,200 But what it did make me realise is doggy style is for a lifetime, 401 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,480 not just for fucking Christmas, OK? 402 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,880 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 403 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:25,920 Apollo, are you ready for your next act on this Christmas special? 404 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,560 CHEERING 405 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,960 Woo! 406 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,200 Give it up for Dan Tiernan! 407 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,840 CHEERING 408 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,080 MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie 409 00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,560 HE GIGGLES 410 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,840 Oh, man. 411 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,120 Well, I'll give you a moment so you can process 412 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,640 what's just walked... 413 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,640 LAUGHTER 414 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,760 ..onto the stage. 415 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:02,160 People at home watching this like, "What is that? 416 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,080 "Is that a young boy? An old lady? 417 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,760 "Beavis? 418 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,040 "Butt-Head? 419 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,000 "Where are his eyes?" 420 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,200 LAUGHTER 421 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:23,840 I think... 422 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,400 HE GIGGLES 423 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,480 ..if I had to describe what I look like to someone 424 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,760 who's never seen me before, 425 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,600 I'd say that I look like... 426 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,720 ..I like baked beans. 427 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:45,360 I got a beanie energy about me, don't I? 428 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,960 I look like if I don't have my beans, I'll die! 429 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,360 Do you like baked beans? 430 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,800 I could tell. 431 00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,720 LAUGHTER 432 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,040 I can spot a fellow Beanie Boy when I see one. 433 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,040 I've got bean-dar, hmm! 434 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,520 Next time you eat baked beans, 435 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,440 you're going to think of me. 436 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,080 LAUGHTER 437 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,840 # Cos I'll be in your garden, banging on the door 438 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,520 # Share the beans with me, you greedy boy! # 439 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,560 Merry Christmas. 440 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,320 LAUGHTER 441 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:26,880 I've got a condition called dyspraxia 442 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,960 that affects my spatial awareness, my coordination. 443 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,640 It's not why I look like this. 444 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,600 That's a coincidence. 445 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,640 No, I think I look like this because my mum also has dyspraxia. 446 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,760 I got dropped a lot, man. 447 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,800 LAUGHTER 448 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,320 I think you can tell I got dyspraxia. 449 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:51,280 That's all right. You gotta remember, 450 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,960 not all disabilities are invisible. 451 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,360 Some of them are pretty visible. 452 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:03,000 Now, give me some more beans! 453 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,360 I like it. 454 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,480 I like looking a bit disabled. 455 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,360 LAUGHTER 456 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,480 I do. 457 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,040 Never have any problem getting a seat on the train. 458 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,720 There could be ten old women standing, 459 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,040 I ain't getting up. 460 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,000 They give me a judgmental look, 461 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,960 I'll just put a lanyard on. 462 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,960 Lanyard, it works a treat. 463 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,400 Without a lanyard, I look a bit neurodivergent. 464 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,240 With a lanyard, it's like, "Shitting hell! 465 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,280 "We need to get this lad to the front of the queue! 466 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,040 "If he doesn't meet Mickey right now... 467 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:52,080 "..he's going to bite someone!" LAUGHTER 468 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,800 I'm gay...yeah. 469 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,200 CHEERING 470 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,200 I like to make that clear. 471 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,680 I find it puts the women at ease. 472 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,560 LAUGHTER 473 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,560 Feel the relief in the room, can't you? 474 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,720 All the women are like, 475 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,760 "Thank God for that. 476 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,720 "We're saaafe!" 477 00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,320 You are safe, ladies - 478 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,560 gentlemen, you could not be in more danger! 479 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,800 Now eat the beans! 480 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,640 Eat them! 481 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,040 HE LAUGHS 482 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:40,000 I scared the life out of you there, man! 483 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,280 I'm sorry, mate. Apologies. 484 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,600 HE SNIFFS DEEPLY 485 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,800 LAUGHTER 486 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,040 Comfortable with my sexuality. 487 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,640 I don't lie about being gay any more. 488 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,520 These days, the only time I lie about being gay 489 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,640 is when I'm in men's toilets. 490 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,320 I think if other guys know that I'm gay in there, 491 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,680 it'll make them, like, uncomfortable. 492 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:20,960 I went for a piss once, and there were three urinals. 493 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,000 And there was a guy having a piss on the far-left urinal, 494 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,640 and I went in the middle urinal... 495 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:31,240 ..and he was like, "Mate... 496 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,240 "..that's the gay urinal." 497 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,520 And I didn't want him to know I was gay - 498 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,200 so I went in his. 499 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,960 LAUGHTER 500 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,240 "Room for a little one?" 501 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,680 Excited for Christmas, man. 502 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:55,920 Excited. 503 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,240 I'm going to be living like a king this Christmas... 504 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,000 ..cos I've got gout! 505 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:05,600 # Gout, baby 506 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,480 # I'm a gouty boy! # 507 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,040 Gout, if you don't know, is a type of arthritis that 508 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,440 you get from being a legend. 509 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:16,600 Most common in men. 510 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,160 Women can get gout as well! 511 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,240 It's a thing, lady gout. Mm! 512 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,520 Gouting for girls, it happens! 513 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,800 It happens. You gotta watch out! 514 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,560 Two main triggers are eating too much red meat, 515 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,080 drinking too much lager. 516 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,760 I had a big pain in my big toe. 517 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,240 I went to the pharmacy. 518 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,640 The pharmacist said, "I think you've got gout, mate." 519 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:41,480 And I hadn't even told him what my symptoms were. 520 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,520 LAUGHTER 521 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,720 He just looked at me and made an assumption, 522 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:47,880 I wasn't even speaking to the guy. 523 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,480 I walked into the shop, he made a beeline for me. 524 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,320 He was like, "I think you've got gout, mate!" 525 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,440 To be fair to him, I was eating a whole goose at the time. 526 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,600 I got diagnosed officially with the gout in Australia. 527 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:05,400 Cos you can get these really cool things over there called 528 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,480 a GP appointment. 529 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,920 LAUGHTER 530 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,520 Yeah, good stuff. 531 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:20,080 When they're available here, it's going to change this country! 532 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,880 I was in Australia for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. 533 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,760 When I got the gig, I was very excited. 534 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,160 I called my grandma, I said, 535 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:30,320 "Grandma, they're sending me to Australia." 536 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,000 She goes, "What the fuck have you done now?!" 537 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,800 LAUGHTER 538 00:25:36,520 --> 00:25:37,920 Doctor, right? 539 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:42,440 He gives me this pamphlet all about gout. 540 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,800 And the top section of the pamphlet, 541 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,000 it said, "Who gets gout"? 542 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,240 And then it was just a list of famous people in history 543 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,680 who've had gout. 544 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:56,680 Whose first question... 545 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,440 ..when getting diagnosed with a disease is, 546 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:06,480 "Well, who else has had it?" 547 00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,640 LAUGHTER 548 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,080 Is that, like, an Australian thing? 549 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,520 HE GIGGLES 550 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,480 Do they do that with, like, all diseases over there? 551 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:18,280 Is there someone finding out that they've just been diagnosed 552 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,240 with Alzheimer's, and they're like, 553 00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,680 "Right, let's see what company we're in. Hmm. 554 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,400 "Ronald Reagan, OK! 555 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,680 "Bruce Willis, good stuff! 556 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,200 "Ronald Reagan, OK! 557 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,480 "Bruce Willis, good stuff!" 558 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 559 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,160 People judge you about your lifestyle when you've got gout. 560 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,960 My mum, she's always judging me about my lifestyle. 561 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,560 She's like, "Dan, is that you munching on a Bombay bad boy?" 562 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,840 "Don't call him that! 563 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,320 "All right? 564 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,360 "You can't say that any more, Mother. 565 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,560 "You're meant to call him a Mumbai mincer!" 566 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,920 LAUGHTER 567 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:12,960 I've not had too much homophobia. 568 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,880 I did once work with a Jehovah's Witness. 569 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,920 Any in? SILENCE 570 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,600 All right, I'll crack on. 571 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,240 LAUGHTER 572 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,800 She was a homophobe, man. 573 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,600 She said her main concern with me being gay is that 574 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,840 I might influence the other men we work with, 575 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,120 and make them gay. 576 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,600 And it's a fair point. I know what I'm like. 577 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,720 HE SCREAMS 578 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:43,760 Can you believe that, though? 579 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,720 A Jehovah's Witness accusing me, a gay man, of going round 580 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,440 trying to change people's minds? 581 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,880 LAUGHTER 582 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,560 APPLAUSE 583 00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,040 We never go knocking on doors, do we? 584 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:00,120 Imagine if we did, though. HE GIGGLES 585 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,600 "Is the man of the house in? 586 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,560 "I can try round the back door." Ooh-hoo! 587 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,040 I'm going to be spending Christmas at my mum's, right? 588 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:17,680 And my mum is a matrimonial solicitor. 589 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,560 Ooh. AUDIENCE OOHS 590 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,640 My dad has no stuff. 591 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,920 My mum and dad are divorced. 592 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:32,600 My dad's not very good with computers or technology, 593 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,200 so he actually asked my mum to design 594 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,240 his online dating profile for him. 595 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:41,400 So, she left him and... 596 00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:43,720 LAUGHTER 597 00:28:45,840 --> 00:28:47,280 That's the way it goes. 598 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:55,160 Spending Christmas at my mum's, with my mum and her partner... 599 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,040 ..NICK! And... 600 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,000 LAUGHTER 601 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,200 I try and hide it, but the truth is, 602 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,240 I don't really get on with NICK! 603 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:13,440 He's got annoying habits, like little annoying habits 604 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:17,280 that build up and proper get to me, like every night, before bed, 605 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:18,680 he makes toast... 606 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,920 ..but instead of lightly, gently spreading the butter, 607 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,000 he's one of those, he proper digs at it. 608 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,960 How annoying is that? 609 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:30,920 That's annoying, isn't it? 610 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,400 Yeah. And then, 611 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,160 he fucks my mum! 612 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,600 LAUGHTER 613 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,720 "NOOOO! 614 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,120 "THAT'S MY MUMMY!" 615 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:54,640 LAUGHTER 616 00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:56,240 "THAT'S MY MILK!" 617 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,560 All right, we've got an hour left of my bit. Lovely. 618 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,680 LAUGHTER I'm dyspraxic. I get extra time. 619 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:10,720 Yeah. 620 00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:15,320 Anyone tries to get me off this stage, 621 00:30:15,320 --> 00:30:16,800 it's a hate crime! 622 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,680 No, I'll finish on this. 623 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,040 Trying to be a better person this Christmas. 624 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:26,280 I've got Nick a Christmas present, right, cos I want to make an effort. 625 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:30,120 But he's very difficult to buy for. 626 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,880 I asked him what he wanted, and he was like, 627 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:33,600 "Oh, Dan, mate, don't worry about it. 628 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,440 "I don't know, just get me... 629 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,560 "..get me summat I wouldn't choose myself." 630 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:40,480 LAUGHTER 631 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,440 So, I got him... 632 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,640 ..a framed picture of my dad. 633 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,240 Oh! 634 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,800 HE CHORTLES 635 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:00,920 Thank you so much for having me. Have a great Christmas. 636 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:02,480 Cheers, goodnight! 637 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:06,760 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Woo! 638 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:09,800 Give it up for Dan Tiernan! 639 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:13,760 OK, are you ready for your next act? 640 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:15,920 CHEERING 641 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,960 Welcome to the stage, John Kearns! 642 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:22,800 LAUGHTER 643 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:26,600 MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone by Shakin' Stevens 644 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:37,760 Merry Christmas, Hammersmith Apollo! 645 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:42,040 Lovely to be back. 646 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:46,040 Christmas morning, I'm, er, 647 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,000 I'm just like you lot. 648 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:50,200 Wake up. 649 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,680 Smile. 650 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,520 Get on with the day. 651 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,000 LAUGHTER 652 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,920 That'll be the last of that. 653 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:01,640 Lean over. 654 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,520 Turn off my carbon monoxide alarm. 655 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:06,280 LAUGHTER 656 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:08,720 It's amazing I can sleep through that. 657 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:11,280 LAUGHTER CONTINUES 658 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,360 My partner, 659 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,280 I write something in her card. 660 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:26,000 You know, "Even the weariest river winds somewhere safely to sea." 661 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,560 Something like that, I don't know. 662 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,560 Give her something to think about 663 00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:32,840 between Christmas and New Year. 664 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:37,440 Buck's fizz. 665 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,680 That's what I love about Christmas. 666 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,840 You can drink alcohol in the morning. 667 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,160 Set your pudding on fire - no-one bats an eyelid. 668 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,360 That's normal, apparently. 669 00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:53,520 Always fresh orange juice in my Buck's fizz. 670 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,000 "How fresh?" I'm teaching it manners! 671 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:57,480 That's how fresh! 672 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,200 Check in on my neighbour. 673 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,880 She's had a tough year. 674 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,040 Five years ago now, she... 675 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:10,600 ..she buried her husband. He died. 676 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:12,480 LAUGHTER 677 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:16,680 And part of her culture is that you put money, 678 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,360 you know, in the breast pocket. 679 00:33:18,360 --> 00:33:20,160 So, she put £500 in. 680 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,360 Anyway, February, 681 00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:26,080 she was having a real bad patch. 682 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,280 So, she calls the council, and, you know, they... 683 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,680 HE CHUCKLES 684 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,480 LAUGHTER 685 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:38,840 ..they crack open the coffin. 686 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:40,440 20 quid short. 687 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:41,840 He was wearing a new hat. 688 00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:44,040 No-one can explain it, you know? 689 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:51,440 As a kid, oh, you know, you're smiling all day as a kid. 690 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,440 I'm looking over at the stocking. 691 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,200 "He's been!" 692 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:57,760 Unfurl it onto the bed. 693 00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,640 A satsuma. Easy-peel. 694 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:01,840 Spanish. 695 00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:03,960 "I've been a good boy!" 696 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,080 Maybe some aftershave. 697 00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:10,720 A Moroccan blend of cinnamon and spice 698 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:12,640 in its own caramel rattan. 699 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:14,040 I love a rattan. 700 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:16,400 I'll take teabags on holiday with it. 701 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,000 I ain't chucking it away. 702 00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,520 Maybe a bottle of Paco Rabanne! 703 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:22,080 Who knows? 704 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,000 He died last year, Paco Rabanne. 705 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,000 I didn't know that was a guy. 706 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:30,000 Came up on my phone. 707 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,120 "Breaking news - Paco Rabanne dead." 708 00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,080 I'm like, "That's like saying cornflakes is dead. 709 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:38,360 "What's happening here? LAUGHTER 710 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:39,640 "Oh, he was a man." 711 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,280 What else is a man?! 712 00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,600 Fray Bentos. Is that a guy? 713 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:46,040 I don't know! 714 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:51,160 Slide down the banisters, me and my brothers. 715 00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:52,920 It could get a bit congested. 716 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,320 Into the living room. 717 00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:58,600 We're sat there in our dressing gowns. 718 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,720 My dad, he comes down in the dressing gown, 719 00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:03,760 and we sit there on the settee, 720 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,360 our bollocks swinging in the draught. 721 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:10,200 No-one mentioning it. 722 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,520 My mum running around with a recycling bag, 723 00:35:13,520 --> 00:35:18,040 because the fun has to end sometime! 724 00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:22,280 "Mum, it's 7.15am! Have a heart!" 725 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,160 "Don't try and intimidate me. 726 00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:26,000 "We're quarter past, boy! 727 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:29,680 "The fun has to end sometime!" 728 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,480 LAUGHTER 729 00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:34,160 Christmas dinner. 730 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:35,840 My uncle, he'll be there. 731 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,920 I only see him at Christmas. He's a nice man. 732 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:40,480 Blazer on. 733 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,560 Packed with 20 envelopes. 734 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:43,880 They're not lit down. 735 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:45,640 Nothing written on the front. 736 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,320 Nothing written in the card. 737 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,360 £20 in each one. 738 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,240 That's how you do Christmas. 739 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:53,760 He doesn't know who you are. 740 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,960 He just hands them out willy nilly. 741 00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:57,760 He don't care. 742 00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,440 He went on Mastermind. 743 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,720 Specialist subject - angels. 744 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,120 He got zero points. 745 00:36:04,240 --> 00:36:06,880 He just sat there going, "Er, is it Gabriel? 746 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:08,960 "No? OK. All right. 747 00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:10,480 "This one's gotta be Gabriel! 748 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,480 "No? OK. OK." 749 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,720 He won some money on a scratchcard when I was 15, 750 00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:20,960 so he always seemed quite cool to me, you know? 751 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:25,160 He, er, he quit his job, wanted to live his life doing 752 00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,000 what he'd always wanted to do. 753 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:30,560 He was a DJ for a bit. 754 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,760 He got sacked from a venue, though, New Year's Eve. 755 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:35,520 He did the countdown from three. 756 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,480 No-one was ready, you know? 757 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,760 LAUGHTER 758 00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:42,920 What will I watch? I'll watch Dad's Army. 759 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,080 I'll crack that on. 760 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:46,800 Every Christmas, I watch that. Oh, yeah. 761 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,960 Don't need to watch it at Christmas, though. 762 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:54,680 It's on BBC Two every Saturday. 763 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,040 Does my head in. 764 00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:59,200 Every Saturday afternoon, BBC Two! 765 00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,120 They still show Dad's Army! 766 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,760 Now, there's nothing wrong with that. 767 00:37:02,760 --> 00:37:06,680 One of the best shows ever written, ever acted - genius! 768 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,880 But bugger me, they were old then! 769 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,680 They were old then! 770 00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:15,040 You're looking at it like, 771 00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:19,560 "Christ, this is in black and white! And they're old THEN!" 772 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:22,080 There's one guy, Godfrey - 773 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:24,120 fu...bugger me! 774 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:29,240 He's wandering around, I'm like, "Who is that?" I Google it. 775 00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:32,080 He was born in 1896! 776 00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:33,360 LAUGHTER 777 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:39,800 There's a Victorian walking around on BBC Two every Saturday! 778 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:44,120 I'd love to go back to 1910, I don't know. 779 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:45,320 "Hello, mate! 780 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:49,640 "Er, you know, in over 100 years, you're going to be on television 781 00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,120 "in a sitcom about World War II." 782 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:54,840 He's going to be like, "I've got a few questions, mate. 783 00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,320 "Er...what is a sitcom? 784 00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:58,800 "What is a television? 785 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:00,880 "And if you could, when's World War I? 786 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,200 "I'd love to know that." 787 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:06,280 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 788 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,840 My mum, she still does the Christmas dinner. 789 00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,920 Phenomenal. No touching it. 790 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,800 But I've gotta bring something - but I don't have anything. 791 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:21,800 When you're 30 and you're turning up to your parents' house, 792 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,800 just bringing yourself ain't enough. 793 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,640 They start looking around your legs, looking at your hands. 794 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,360 You've got to bring something. 795 00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:31,960 A kid, a dish, something. 796 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,360 They're bored of you. 797 00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,760 LAUGHTER 798 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,080 So, I went on the BBC Maestro website. 799 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:43,280 Right, I thought, "There's gotta be some in here." 800 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,560 And there's a course from Marco Pierre White 801 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,200 on how to cook, right? 802 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,400 £85 - on the BBC! 803 00:38:51,400 --> 00:38:55,240 HE CHORTLES "Your licence is no good here!" 804 00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:57,920 LAUGHTER But it's Marco. 805 00:38:57,920 --> 00:38:59,760 He won three Michelin stars. 806 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:01,840 He taught Ramsey how to cook. 807 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:03,840 Come on now. 808 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:07,160 I buy it, and I'm scrolling the videos. 809 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:08,760 "There's gotta be something." 810 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:12,920 And there's one that catches my eye - How To Boil Potatoes. 811 00:39:12,920 --> 00:39:14,360 Wow. 812 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,720 The video's seven minutes long. 813 00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:20,240 HE LAUGHS OK, OK! 814 00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:22,520 I press play, and there's Marco. 815 00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:25,520 He's got his hat on, ready to work. 816 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,000 And he's peeling the potatoes. 817 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:30,160 "Ha-ha, yeah, done that, Marco!" 818 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:31,880 Puts them in boiling water. 819 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,400 "Yeah! Done that, Marco!" 820 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,640 A bit of lemon juice in the water to stop them discolouring. 821 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:40,240 "Yeah - well, that's not bad, to be fair, actually. 822 00:39:40,240 --> 00:39:42,680 "But you can tell me that at a book signing. 823 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,120 "Your name's long enough. 824 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:47,040 "A bit of lemon juice in the water, stop 'em goin' grey. 825 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:48,240 "See you later." 826 00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:51,360 This was 85 quid, Marco! 827 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:52,680 He gets a sharp knife. 828 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,080 He starts prodding them, he goes, "They're about 90% done." 829 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:57,120 HE WHEEZES 830 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,240 There's still six minutes of the video to go! 831 00:40:00,240 --> 00:40:03,240 I've been done up like a kipper! 832 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:07,160 He gets the pan, pours out all of the water, and then, 833 00:40:07,160 --> 00:40:09,680 puts as much water that there was in the pan, 834 00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:10,880 but of butter. 835 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:13,360 FUCK MEEE! 836 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,720 That's a lot of butter, Marco! 837 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:17,520 He starts slapping it in. 838 00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,560 He goes, "Don't mess around with butter. It's not a toy. 839 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:24,360 "You know, people tell me that using this much butter is a crime. 840 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,000 "But crime isn't vulgar. 841 00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,720 "Vulgarity is a crime. 842 00:40:27,720 --> 00:40:29,920 "Who said that? Oscar Wilde." 843 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,480 I'm going to university! 844 00:40:33,480 --> 00:40:35,720 He wraps the pan in clingfilm, 845 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:37,440 stares at them through the window. 846 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:40,200 He goes, "I can't think of a better way to die 847 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:41,840 "than drowning in butter." 848 00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:45,240 We're a long way from the BBC now! 849 00:40:45,240 --> 00:40:48,120 He leaves them to drown for one hour. 850 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:49,800 I want a GoPro on his head. 851 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,480 I want to see where he goes and who he talks to. 852 00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:57,280 He comes back, slices open the clingfilm, plates them up, 853 00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:00,480 crystal salt, parsley to cleanse the palate. 854 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:04,840 And then, he goes, "You know, a labourer works with their hands. 855 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:08,280 "A craftsman works with their hands and their mind. 856 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:12,000 "But a true artist works with their hands, their mind, 857 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:13,400 "and their heart." 858 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,080 Camera pans down - 859 00:41:15,080 --> 00:41:16,920 plate of boiled potatoes. 860 00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:20,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 861 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:27,800 I've just saved you 85 quid there. 862 00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:29,000 I'm serious. 863 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:34,400 Christmas rolls in to January, of course. 864 00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,400 And that's when I'll hit the gym again. 865 00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:43,080 A couple of years back, I had a personal trainer, 866 00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,880 Pavel. Polish. 29. 867 00:41:46,880 --> 00:41:48,400 Capricorn. 868 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,520 LAUGHTER 869 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,080 He gave up. 870 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:56,680 I told him, "I'm not going to give up the bread. 871 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,520 "I'm not going to give up the booze. 872 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,160 "Find a way, Pavel. 873 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,120 "I could be like your caged animal. 874 00:42:02,120 --> 00:42:05,320 "You could wheel me round, find a way!" 875 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,040 But I quit. Got rid of him. 876 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:13,640 He was just taking my money, you know? 877 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:17,880 I remember the moment he made me run around the gym 878 00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:19,280 like a spider. 879 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,280 I thought, "I've never seen anyone do that before." 880 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,880 I gave it a good minute - which, if you think about it, 881 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,360 is a very long time. 882 00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:29,560 I stopped. 883 00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:31,600 I said, "I can't do this any more." 884 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:33,920 I ran down to the changing room. 885 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:35,520 I was sick everywhere. 886 00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:37,080 I sat in the sauna. 887 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:39,120 I thought about my life for a bit. 888 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:43,280 I went back to my locker, took out my bag, unzipped it, 889 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:46,200 realised I hadn't packed a clean pair of pants, 890 00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:48,720 and the T-shirt I thought I brought was a pillowcase. 891 00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:49,760 OK? 892 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,800 LAUGHTER 893 00:42:53,560 --> 00:42:57,000 No matter how bad your life's going, always remember this. 894 00:42:58,520 --> 00:43:00,920 There's always someone worse off, you know? 895 00:43:00,920 --> 00:43:02,760 Like tonight. 896 00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:05,800 Down a narrow alleyway, 897 00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:10,320 there'll be a sausage dog doing a three-point turn, you know? 898 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,200 LAUGHTER 899 00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,280 Merry Christmas, and bye-bye! 900 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:20,600 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 901 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:22,880 Woo! Yes! 902 00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:24,760 Give it up for John Kearns! 903 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:28,880 What an amazing night! 904 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:32,600 Give it up for Dan Tiernan 905 00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:35,120 and John Kearns! 906 00:43:35,120 --> 00:43:37,400 CHEERING 907 00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:40,040 This has been Christmas At The Apollo. 908 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,400 I've been your host, Judi Love. Thank you!