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# Go... #

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This programme contains very
strong language, adult humour and
discriminatory language

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# Oh, yeah. #

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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please welcome your host
for tonight, Paul Chowdhry.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What's happening?
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm your host, Paul Chowdhry.

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A lot of smoke coming out here.
There's too much smoke, man.

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White people are going
to shit themselves

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when they see a brown man
with a beard

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with that much smoke.

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Sharon looks like she's about to,

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"Are we going to get
radicalised tonight, John?

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"I think this is the bit
where he teaches us Sharia law.

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"He looks like he's
about to take off on a carpet."

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This woman is like, "I'm sure
he gave me a lift last week."

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By the way, I've reinvented myself.

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I want to be
a family-friendly comedian.

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You know what I mean?
I want to be family friendly.

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You know,
I want to appeal to the masses.

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I want to be...

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I want to be like Ant and Dec,
you know.

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Not the one that drinks and drives,
the other one.

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What I'm trying to say is
I want to be like Phillip Schofield.

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I want to be...

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MILD LAUGHTER

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Too soon for the Phillip Schofield
material.

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Obviously we all know what happened
to Phillip Schofield.

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It was very brave of him.

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He came out on national TV
as being gay.

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On live TV.

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He came out to the nation
as being gay, right.

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He said, "I was married
for 25 years.

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"I've got two daughters,
but I'm gay."

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And we all saw that
and then we forgave him.

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And then the Queen died...

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..and there was this massive queue.

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Phillip didn't want to get
in that queue.

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In fact, Phillip Schofield
jumped that queue.

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And the British public were like,
"You're a sick bastard, mate."

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British people
do not like queue jumpers.

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You jump a queue in England,

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you're a wrong'un, mate.

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White people love a queue, innit?
English people love...

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I've been in the middle
of a field before,

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no-one else around,

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"Are you in a queue, mate?"

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"There's cows around and shit,
Dave."

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Even the word queue is long
in the English language, isn't it?

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Why isn't it just one letter Q?
Why is it Q-U-E-U-E-U-E-U?

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What's with the E-U-E-U?

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It's like the letters are in a queue
to get to the front of the queue.

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I went to a gay club with my friend.

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They said, "Get to the back." Right.

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Turns out we were in an LGBTQ.

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And Phillip Schofield's
making a comeback now.

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We've sent him to a desert island
like Jeffrey Epstein.

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Do you know how I found out
Phillip Schofield got cancelled?

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I put the news on, right.

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Put BBC News on.

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And Huw Edwards told me.

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CROWD LAUGHS

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You can't make this shit up.

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I couldn't even get my head around
what Huw Edwards did.

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Apparently, he made indecent images
of children.

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I can't even wrap my head around it.

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And let me give you some
advice tonight.

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Don't Google, "How do you make
indecent images of children?"

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I've been blocked from Google.

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I'm the first British comedian,
by the way,

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to perform in Saudi Arabia.

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Thank you.

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Obviously, in this country,
you know,

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you can say what you want onstage.

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Over there, you can't say
certain things like...

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..jokes.

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Jokes are illegal in Saudi Arabia.

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You know what it's like in London.

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You can just swear at someone
in the street.

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That's a hate crime in Saudi Arabia.

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You know what it's like in London.

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"Here, wanker!

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"Slag."

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"Who's that, mate?"

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"It's me mum and dad...

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"It's Wanker and Slag, John."

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You do that in Saudi,
you'll get arrested.

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I got into a road rage situation,
right.

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Some guy rammed into the back of me,

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which is also illegal
in Saudi Arabia.

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Obviously, you know, in this
country, uh, alcohol.

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You know, like Saudi Arabia,
alcohol is illegal.

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It's considered haram.

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It's forbidden
in the Islamic culture.

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Whereas in this country,
alcohol is halal.

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Innit?

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Innit?
This country was built on alcohol.

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You know, when we colonised...

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Sorry. You know, when you
colonised...

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CROWD LAUGHS

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I'm British, but only so far back.

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Now you walk around in London,
right?

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Especially like London.

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You walk around in London
with your mobile phone out, right,

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some kid on an electric bike

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will snatch that phone
out of your hands

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and ride off with it.

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And the police can't chase them
in case they fall off their bikes.

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And they give you
a crime reference number,

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but you got no phone.

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You do that in Saudi Arabia,

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they'll chop your hands off, stick
you in a prison cell for 27 years,

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and you come out, you'd be stealing
a phone with your foot.

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I'm not saying we should chop
their hands off in this country.

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I'm not a conservative MP.

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What I'm saying is

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there needs to be more stringent
sentences in England, innit?

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Like, stick them in a prison cell

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with some
ex BBC children's presenters.

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And then if they get out,
they're free to go.

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Had a great time
at the London riots.

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Anyone go?

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Yeah, you went.

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Sounded like he's on the wrong team.

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You know, I grew up in the 1970s.

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It was proper racist,
England in the 1970s.

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Now it's different,

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but I used to hear phrases when I
was growing up in the '70s and '80s,

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"They're all coming over here, mate.
They're nicking our jobs."

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What jobs?

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I mean, what's your job, Abdul?

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Admissions officer.

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Admissions officer?
For a university.

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Oh, for university.
You had to make that quite clear.

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Admissions officer.

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You ain't nicking shit.

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I'm looking for the Asian people

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that are more interesting
than this bastard.

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It's a pretty white audience
tonight, isn't it?

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Free tickets.
I thought there would be more of us.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You, mate.

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What's your job?

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Pricing analyst.

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Pricing analyst?

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Yeah. You're nicking their jobs.

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I've never heard an Indian
be a pricing analyst before.

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LONDON ACCENT: "Yeah. What's your
job, mate?"

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INDIAN ACCENT: I'm a doctor in A&E.

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LONDON ACCENT: "I could do that,
you slag.

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"Anyone could do that, mate."

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And I was watching the...

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I saw on my social media
there was a Sikh guy, right.

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I'm a Sikh. Full beard, turban,

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and he was on the right wing side.

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He was like...

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INDIAN ACCENT:
"The country has failed us.

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"Government has failed us.

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"Country finished."

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I thought there was a glitch
on my feed.

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I thought I was watching AI.

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I thought I was watching
an artificial Indian.

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I bet there's racist white people
at home watching that going...

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LONDON ACCENT: "He's nicked my job.

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"We used to do that, mate.

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"They've nicked everything,
in't they?"

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INDIAN ACCENT:
"Country has failed us."

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That's a proper Cockney
London accent,

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you know what I mean?

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We're in London. You know...

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You know the kind of people
that make us proud to be Londoners.

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You know, the kind of people,
football fans that go to Spain

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and other countries on away games

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and take a shit on their doorsteps

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and, you know, piss in their cafes.

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The kind of people that make us
proud as English football fans.

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"It's coming home, mate."

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It's never coming home.

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It comes home, you're just going
to send it back to its own country.

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"Trophies, go home.
Immigrants, go home."

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By the way, the Lionesses,

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the female football team,

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won the Euros.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Know what I mean?
2022, the Lionesses won the Euros.

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No-one's talking about that now.

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Cos women are better than us.

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Innit?

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And there was no riots
at the stadiums.

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There was no violence.

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How did England football fans
celebrate?

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This is a true story.

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Dave went down to Leicester Square
when we got to the Euros

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with a bag full of fireworks.

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And then Dave took his mate
into the middle of Leicester Square

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and bent him over,

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pulled his pants down,

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and then Dave stuck a firework
up his arse.

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And then Dave lit that firework
and shot it into the sky.

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I remember seeing that

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thinking, "I'm proud to be British."

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Protect the NHS, save lives.
Shove a firework up your arsehole.

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Imagine me and you, Abdul, right...

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..went to Leicester Square
with a bag full of fireworks.

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And I bent Abdul over.

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And I gently pulled his pants down,

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and I went to shove a firework up...

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Even before I'd done that,
police would be like,

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"IC4 - two darkies in the middle
of Leicester Square.

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"Shoving a firework up his arsehole.
Definite terrorism.

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"Shoot to kill, shoot to kill.

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"Definite terrorism.
Shoot to kill."

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White people, "Shove a firework
up me arse, Dave."

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You see, that's what you call
white privilege.

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Cos Abdul wants me
to shove something up his arse,

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but it's not a firework.

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LONDON ACCENT:
"You're always taking the piss

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"out of English people,
in't you, Paul? Eh?

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"Who would you support
if England played India? Eh?

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00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:17,440
"Who would you support if England
played Pakistan in the Euros?"

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I noticed some people
didn't get that joke tonight.

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Don't explain it to the person
sat next to you.

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If they didn't get it,
they shouldn't be here,

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the thick bastards.

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You know the kind of English people,

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they're obsessed with
Indian culture.

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Indian food is the biggest cuisine
in England.

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MIDDLE CLASS WOMAN:
"I love to go for a curry.

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"Yeah. Let's go to Dishoom.
I love a curry.

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"Oh. It's lovely, Dishoom.

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00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,360
"It's really good Indian food.
Yeah, I love it."

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00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,840
That's Indian food for white people.

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00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,880
Asian people don't go to Dishoom.
We go to...

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GUTTURAL HACK
...Kebab and...

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00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:11,880
GUTTURAL HACK
..Karahi.

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Because white people don't know.

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"It's all the same, mate."

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You don't know the differences.

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There's so many different types
of Asian people, by the way.

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You know, you got the vegans,
we've got the Hindus.

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I don't know if you've got
any Hindus.

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CHEERS FROM CROWD

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00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:29,480
Yeah, they're the original vegans,
the Hindus.

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See? No energy left, no protein.

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WEAKLY: Yeah.

248
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,040
WEAKLY: Hey...

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00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,080
SNORES

250
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,560
Original vegans.

251
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,200
Then you've got the Punjabis,
like me.

252
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,800
The Sikh Punjabis.

253
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,200
AUDIENCE CHEERS

254
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,440
A bit more aggressive.

255
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,600
And then you've got the Punjabi
Musulmans - the Muslim people.

256
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,280
SINGLE CHEER FROM CROWD

257
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,160
Still you? What, the only one?

258
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,360
"Yeah, it's still me."

259
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,320
It's the Pakistani Muslims.

260
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,440
Yeah. Which is more...halal.

261
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,240
That's where the halal food
comes in.

262
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,720
Then you've got the Bengalis,

263
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,080
which is also halal,

264
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,680
but with a bit more oil in it.

265
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,080
You need to know about this.

266
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,880
I'm educating the white people here,
innit.

267
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:27,960
Cos I know you...

268
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,240
LONDON ACCENT: "Let's go
for a curry, mate. I'm pissed.

269
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,440
"I need something
to soak up this booze.

270
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,640
"I'm lashed, man. I need a curry."

271
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,920
Cos you know why there's so many
Bengali restaurants in this country?

272
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,880
Because when the Bangladeshis
came to England,

273
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,360
they couldn't get jobs
in Indian restaurants

274
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,800
cos Indian people wouldn't employ
them in Indian restaurants, right.

275
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,240
So what they did is opened up
Bengali restaurants

276
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,800
in Brick Lane and everywhere,

277
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,400
because white people
can't tell the difference

278
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,240
between Bengalis and Indians.
It's like...

279
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,960
BENGALI ACCENT: "This is Bengali...
Call it Indian restaurant.

280
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,280
"We're Bengali.

281
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,160
"They don't know shit.
Call it Indian.

282
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,600
"White people don't know shit.
Call it Indian, bastard.

283
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,080
"Nobody going Bengali restaurant.
Call it fucking Indian."

284
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,720
LONDON ACCENT: "Let's go for
a curry, mate. I'm lashed, John."

285
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,360
And the Bengalis saw them.

286
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,880
BENGALI ACCENT: "They're coming.

287
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:22,840
"White people are coming.

288
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:25,560
"Get the oil! Get the oil!

289
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:29,800
"More oil!

290
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,360
"More oil.

291
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,200
"Chicken! Little chicken."

292
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,840
LONDON ACCENT:
"Oh, this is tasty, John.

293
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,400
"This is... I gotta take a shit
while I'm eating it.

294
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,000
"It's going right through me, mate.

295
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,400
"This is nice, mate.

296
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,840
"What is it? What is it, Abdul?"

297
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,320
"It's a petrol special."

298
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,520
There's so much oil
in Bengali food, right?

299
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,360
How come Just Stop Oil
don't go to those restaurants?

300
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,000
What a great job
Just Stop Oil are doing, eh?

301
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,400
We admit about 3% of emissions
in the world.

302
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,040
Let's see Just Stop Oil
try that in China.

303
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,920
Let's see them try that in India.

304
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,760
I know they lie down on the M25.

305
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,760
"Let's go and lie down and stop
emergency services

306
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,600
"getting to hospital.
It's going to be great."

307
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,760
"Yeah, it's going to be great."
Try that in Mumbai traffic.

308
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,200
They'd be lying down in the road.
He'd go...

309
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,160
INDIAN ACCENT: "White people
lying down on the road?

310
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,400
"Drive, drive, drive.

311
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,800
"Reverse. Kill him! Bastard!"

312
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,160
Biggest show on TV at the moment,
all these dating shows,

313
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,200
Love Is Blind.

314
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,640
It's the biggest show on TV
for dating.

315
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,640
Nicking all these ideas from us.

316
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,240
Love Is Blind.

317
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,320
What, you meet a total stranger

318
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,680
and you meet for the very first time
on your wedding day?

319
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,240
We've been doing that for years!

320
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,360
Innit, Abdul?

321
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,840
That's where you met your cousin.

322
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,880
White people are a lot
more supportive with their kids.

323
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,080
You know, like...

324
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,200
SOFTLY:
"Marry whoever you want, love.

325
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,960
"I'm going to support you
no matter what."

326
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,680
You're Asian, you know Musulman.

327
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,720
INDIAN ACCENT:
"Indian must marry Indian.

328
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,520
"Not white, not black, not Chinese.
Indian. Indian, bastard."

329
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,440
Innit? We can't do that.

330
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,000
But when the kid gets a bit older,
when he gets about my age,

331
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,840
the family's, "Just marry something.

332
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960
"Just get you fucking married.

333
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:44,240
"White. Black. Chinese. Transgender.
Nonbinary.

334
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:48,200
"Sam Smith, bring Sam Smith,
bastard.

335
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,920
"Marry the...the mother."

336
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,000
Remember that, Abdul?

337
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,960
We weren't even allowed
to watch a kissing scene on TV.

338
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,720
Innit? Like, "No, please, please."

339
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,920
Remember, what did you do
when a kissing scene came on TV?

340
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,440
ABDUL:  Didn't look.

341
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,880
You didn't look.

342
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,320
Pretended you were blind.

343
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,920
I thought... I had to pretend
I was blind

344
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,600
for the first ten years of my life.

345
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,120
"Shut it, bastard!
Throw the TV out the window."

346
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,360
I'm...

347
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,120
English people sit there
with their kids.

348
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,960
LONDON ACCENT: "Here, son,
have a look at that, mate.

349
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,280
"Get me the remote.
Turn it up, son.

350
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,680
"Have a look at that.
Oh, call your sister downstairs.

351
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,560
"He's giving her a good pounding,
son.

352
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,160
"Look at that, mate."

353
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,480
"Who's that, Dad?"
"It's me and your mum, that is.

354
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,240
"It's when you were conceived,
you little slag."

355
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,920
Are you ready for the show tonight?

356
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

357
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:52,880
Ladies and gentlemen, a big round
of applause for Ania Magliano.

358
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

359
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,720
Hey, everyone. How's it going?

360
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,280
Are you well?
AUDIENCE CHEERS

361
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,160
Oh, my God, it's so nice
to be here.

362
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,680
Look, I'm just going to get
straight into it, right.

363
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,040
This girl that my friend and I
went to school with

364
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,320
posted this quote
on her Instagram page.

365
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,760
It's quite a famous quote.
Maybe you have already heard it.

366
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,440
It goes like this,

367
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:23,560
"Big minds talk about ideas.

368
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,000
"Medium minds talk about events.

369
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,280
"Small minds talk about people."

370
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,880
And we bitched
about her for so long.

371
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,400
Grow up. Do you know what I mean?

372
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,040
I went on her Instagram
to see what she does now.

373
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:43,760
Her job full-time
is selling crystals.

374
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,440
It's like small minds
may talk about people,

375
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:50,280
but tiny minds think
that rocks can cure arthritis.

376
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,040
Just by means of a cheer,
who here likes gossip?

377
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,160
CHEERING

378
00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,800
OK, thank God. The rest of you
are liars and cowards.

379
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,160
I don't believe you.

380
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,640
I love it so much.
I do it all the time, right?

381
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,200
There's one situation
that I've noticed

382
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,200
is always more likely
to make me gossip.

383
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:10,280
And that's if I feel
a bit socially awkward.

384
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,040
Like, I feel like the other person
is losing interest

385
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:14,680
and I need to keep them entertained.

386
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:17,080
So, like, if I was a spy, right,

387
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,040
and I was captured by the enemy

388
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:20,400
and they were sort of torturing me

389
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,120
to try and get information
out of me,

390
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,640
they were pulling out
my fingernails one by one,

391
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,720
they were holding a gun to my head,

392
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,440
they were waterboarding me

393
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,000
for hours and hours and hours
on end,

394
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,600
I wouldn't say anything.

395
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,280
But if they started to look bored...

396
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,800
If one of the torturers, like,
reached for his phone,

397
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:43,120
I'd be like...

398
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,760
"Oh, my God, I'm not supposed
to tell you this."

399
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,920
I just think gossip
has got a bad reputation

400
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,240
because of all this historical stuff
like the Bible.

401
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:04,040
There is so much stuff in the Bible
that says that you shouldn't gossip,

402
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:09,480
which is so rich coming from a book
whose entire vibe is gossip.

403
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,880
Like, I don't know if anyone here
has actually read it,

404
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,960
but the New Testament
literally starts like...

405
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,520
"And...

406
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,560
"..she was a virgin."

407
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,080
That's such good stuff.
It's so scandalous.

408
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,400
Like, I feel like if that was
happening in this day and age,

409
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,000
it wouldn't be a religious text.

410
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,080
It would be a Daily Mail
clickbait headline.

411
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:33,320
You know?

412
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,920
"Virgin gives birth in barn.
The father will shock you."

413
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,600
I would have loved to be around
in religious times.

414
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,840
I think I would have had
so much fun.

415
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,440
Obviously, I'd be a woman.
I'd have no rights.

416
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,200
I wouldn't actually mind

417
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,480
just cos I'd be there spreading
the stories of what was going on,

418
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,480
and there was so much to spread.

419
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,560
I'd be there
with all the other women,

420
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,720
we're grinding grain into flour.

421
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,680
That is actually what they did.
I Googled it.

422
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,760
And I'd be like,

423
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:09,760
"Oh, my God, you won't believe
what he's done now.

424
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,280
"So get this.

425
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,960
"He invites them all round
for supper.

426
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:16,880
"He says it's the last one.

427
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,080
"It's like we get it,
you hate hosting.

428
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,360
"He washes their feet.

429
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:27,400
"Gross.

430
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,640
"And then he goes,
'One of you is going to betray me.'

431
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,360
"Honestly, what a drama queen."

432
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,880
And then, like, four days later,
or however many it was,

433
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,520
we'd all be back and I'd be like...

434
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:44,960
"Oh, my God, you won't believe
what he's done now.

435
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,200
"So you know how he got crucified?

436
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,280
"Yeah, we all watched.
He was literally dead.

437
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,640
"Well, he's back."

438
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,240
I would have been one of the
Real Housewives of Jerusalem,

439
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,280
is what I'm saying.

440
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,600
I would have absolutely thrived.

441
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:05,040
I get worried that I'm not
interesting enough as a person.

442
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,080
I did this thing recently
that I got very obsessed with.

443
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,480
I got very obsessed
with the Myers-Briggs test.

444
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,080
Give me a cheer if
you know what that is.

445
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,720
AUDIENCE CHEERS
OK, cool.

446
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,200
So for anyone who doesn't know,

447
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,240
the Myers-Briggs test is basically
this personality test.

448
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,120
It says that everyone in the world

449
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,200
is one of 16 different
personality types.

450
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,880
It's like astrology for men.

451
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,640
And it will tell you your
personality type with four letters.

452
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,160
So you could be like ENFP.

453
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,800
That's a type. INTJ.

454
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,080
CUNT.

455
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:42,000
I did it,
I got ENFP - 100% extroverted.

456
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,200
That's bad, that's bad.
I know that's bad.

457
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,040
I was like, "Oh, my God,
that probably means I'm so intense.

458
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,280
"I'm so difficult to be around.

459
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,200
"I'm probably too much
for a lot of people."

460
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:54,560
And it said only 0.05% of people
get 100% extroverted.

461
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,880
And I was like,
well, where are they?

462
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,280
You know, where are my people?

463
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,960
And then I realised...

464
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,920
..they all work at Lush.

465
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,360
I'm not sure if everyone's familiar
with the soap shop Lush,

466
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,280
but it's basically this cult
on the UK high street.

467
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,120
And what happens is you get one
millimetre over the threshold

468
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:16,960
and someone's like,
"Hi, welcome to Lush,"

469
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,160
and someone else is already
rubbing soap in your arm

470
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,080
and someone else
is going down on you.

471
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,040
It's intense.

472
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,440
All the staff really want
to get to know you.

473
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,840
They are all weird.

474
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,360
They all look like when you open up
a new game of The Sims,

475
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,120
and it randomly generates
a starting character for you to use

476
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,960
and none of their body parts
match yet.

477
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,520
You know, they've got like
a nose ring, blue hair and a gilet.

478
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,120
They're freaks.

479
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,800
I used to work at Lush.

480
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:51,880
I haven't worked there
in a long time.

481
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,400
I did learn quite an interesting
thing whilst working there.

482
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,120
It's very easy to get stuff
from Lush for free

483
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,800
because they have a policy called
Random Acts of Kindness,

484
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,880
and what that means is
that if someone comes in

485
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:03,200
and they're having a bad day,

486
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,480
a staff member is allowed to give
them something for free

487
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,440
to cheer them up,
which is quite nice, right?

488
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,360
I do worry that it comes across
a bit like

489
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:12,080
you're having a bad day
and you really need a wash...

490
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,240
..but you can use it
to your advantage.

491
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,440
If you go in and do something
like this, they'll be like,

492
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,400
"Hey, welcome to Lush.
How's your day going?"

493
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,640
And you just go...

494
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,400
"Oh, I'm having a really bad day,
actually."

495
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,960
"Oh, my God, what's going on?
You can talk to me about it."

496
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,760
"OK, well, my...my boyfriend
actually just dumped me."

497
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,440
"What? Oh, my God, that's so awful.

498
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,520
"What happened?
Did he give you a reason?"

499
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,720
"He said I had such dry skin."

500
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,120
There you go.
Little free soap for you all.

501
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,760
You're welcome.

502
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,880
As soon as I stopped
working at Lush,

503
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:51,440
I redid the Myers-Briggs test.

504
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:53,160
I'd actually gone down.

505
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,360
Isn't that interesting?

506
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:56,280
I'd gone down to 80% extroverted.

507
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,240
I want to keep going down.

508
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:01,080
I want to get to a place
where I'm 0% extroverted

509
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,840
and I just hate people.

510
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,600
I hate people,
I hate the sight of people.

511
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,040
Any time anyone wants to speak
to me,

512
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,360
I'll just want to spit
in their face and hope they die.

513
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,320
And then I'll get a job in Zara.

514
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:20,960
My main anxiety, though,

515
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,080
is that I'm not, like,
sexually adventurous enough.

516
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,640
I'm a 26-year-old woman.

517
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,160
A lot of my friends are very
sexually adventurous people.

518
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,560
I'm not sexually adventurous.

519
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,880
I'm not even
that adventurous adventurous.

520
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,640
I've lived in my flat
for three years.

521
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,040
I still haven't tried
one of the hobs.

522
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,320
Back left.

523
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:43,160
What's she up to?

524
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,080
Let her keep her secrets,
that's what I say.

525
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,640
But the most sexually adventurous
thing I ever did,

526
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,320
I did it when I was single.

527
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,560
When I was single,

528
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,880
I ordered the number one vibrator
on the Lovehoney website.

529
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,000
And the Lovehoney website
is a sex toy website

530
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,880
for those of you
pretending not to know.

531
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,360
I kind of ordered it
out of spite, right?

532
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,480
Because one of my exes
called me a prude,

533
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,080
which I think is such
an extreme thing to call someone.

534
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,960
I don't think I did anything
to warrant that.

535
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,720
The only thing I can think of maybe,

536
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,040
is once I said that I don't like
morning sex.

537
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:15,240
That's not a big deal.

538
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,800
That doesn't mean
that I'm not a sex positive.

539
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,320
I just don't think you should
do something

540
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,960
that disgusting in the morning.

541
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,160
Not whilst the blackbird
is singing his morning tune.

542
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,600
But I went on the website.
It was late at night.

543
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,360
I just ordered the first one
on the list

544
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:34,200
cos I thought, "That'll be good.
That will probably be quite nice."

545
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:39,120
The thing that arrived
is so terrifying.

546
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,320
It plugs directly into the wall.

547
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,080
It has one of those
on the end of it.

548
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,840
It uses mains electricity.

549
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,840
It needs to be PAT tested.

550
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:56,360
I just find that so threatening

551
00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,480
cos I think what
that's basically saying is,

552
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,800
"What I'm about to do to you

553
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,680
"couldn't possibly be done
with a battery.

554
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:09,240
"I'm gonna need that same stuff
that powers your fridge."

555
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,120
It's huge. It's bigger than this.

556
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:13,840
It looks like a piece
of farming equipment

557
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,680
from the Industrial Revolution.

558
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,280
But it's called a Wand.

559
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:18,880
There is nothing magical about it.

560
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:21,040
I've never seen this type
of vibrator before.

561
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,680
All the vibrators that I've seen
advertised online

562
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,880
are very small and portable,
and they're not making big claims.

563
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,080
They're just happy to live
in your bedside drawer

564
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,520
and they'll be there like,

565
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:34,360
"OK, girl, I'm here if you need me.

566
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,400
"Like, if you and your partner get
like, super, super drunk one night,

567
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,960
"maybe you could experiment with me
for a little bit.

568
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,640
"Honestly, I might not do anything,

569
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,000
"but I might speed things
along for you a little bit.

570
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,240
"Either way, no worries if not."

571
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,520
Whereas my vibrator
is just next to the bed like,

572
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:50,440
"Do you want to meet God?!"

573
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:54,360
Not really.

574
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:56,040
It doesn't even fit
in the bedside drawer.

575
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,480
It's just curled up on the floor
like a python.

576
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,760
And after it arrived, I was like,
"Is this the right thing?"

577
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,200
Cos I checked on the website
cos I thought maybe it got mixed up

578
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,560
with like an order
meant for Guantanamo Bay.

579
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,440
It was the right thing.

580
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,000
Not only that, I read the
description for the first time.

581
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,560
It said in the description,

582
00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:21,040
"This is the world's
most powerful vibrator."

583
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:24,560
I don't think I need that.

584
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,760
I need, absolute max,
a whisper on the wind.

585
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:31,680
The world's most powerful vibrator.

586
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:35,160
You shouldn't be able to buy that
without a licence.

587
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,080
Underneath as well, it said,

588
00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:41,240
"The vibrator will turn off
automatically after 20 minutes

589
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:42,720
"for your safety."

590
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:46,920
21 minutes
and there's a danger of death.

591
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:51,360
I can't even...
I don't even want to share.

592
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,920
It costs £90.

593
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,400
So I felt like I had to try it
because I spent so much money.

594
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,640
And I don't even have a plug
next to my bed.

595
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:00,520
I had to get the extension cable.

596
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:03,480
That felt desperate.

597
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,920
I turned it on
onto the lowest setting.

598
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,080
It had eight settings.

599
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,120
I turned it on to setting one.
Rrrrrr!

600
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:11,680
It was so loud! I was like,

601
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,200
"There's nothing private
about this experience.

602
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:15,440
"The neighbours are going to think

603
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:18,320
"I'm having a new kitchen
put in at midnight.

604
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:19,560
"They're going to call the council.

605
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:20,960
"Well, no,
they're not calling anyone.

606
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,920
"They don't have any power
right now."

607
00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,840
I tried it just for like
one, maybe two seconds.

608
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:29,400
And I was like,
"I can smell burning.

609
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,760
"I can't use this thing.

610
00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:33,720
"It's going to sand me down.
It's going to erode.

611
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:34,880
"I'm going to be flat over.

612
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,960
"There'll be nothing left,
like Barbie."

613
00:29:40,080 --> 00:29:42,520
But it had eight settings.

614
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,720
I thought, "I have to see
what setting eight does."

615
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:46,480
Not on myself. I know my limits.

616
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,760
I just turned it up to setting eight
in the sky.

617
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:50,000
Fuck me.

618
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,480
I was like, "I'm going to rip a hole
in the space-time continuum.

619
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,600
"I'm about to meet my granddaughter.

620
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:59,360
"She's going to be flat over
like a pebble as well."

621
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:01,920
I can't use it.

622
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,040
It's too much for me,
and I can't return it

623
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,080
because it has technically
been used

624
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,840
and it's really hard to sell.

625
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,600
And that's actually
why I'm here tonight.

626
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,320
Until then, I'm just going
to sleep with it

627
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:15,640
under my bed as self-defence.

628
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:17,880
Thank you so much.
I've been Ania Magliano.

629
00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:20,000
Enjoy the rest of your night.

630
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

631
00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,360
Ania Magliano.

632
00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,640
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

633
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,000
Are you ready for your next act?

634
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,680
CHEERING

635
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:40,720
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage, Ian Smith.

636
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

637
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:52,640
Oh, hello, Apollo.

638
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:53,880
Are we well?

639
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,600
CHEERING

640
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,400
Yeah. Very exciting.

641
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,400
It's good to be here.
My name is Ian.

642
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,440
I come from a little town
in East Yorkshire called Goole.

643
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:03,800
SMATTERING OF CHEERS

644
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:05,600
Yeah, a couple of Goolies in!

645
00:31:05,600 --> 00:31:07,160
If you don't know Goole,

646
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:09,160
it's just a stone's throw away
from York,

647
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,880
if you throw that stone
onto a two-hour train journey.

648
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,760
And it's a weird town
full of weird people.

649
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:17,360
I'll give my favourite example.

650
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:19,480
So, I went back there recently.

651
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:22,920
I saw a man on a mobility scooter
just driving around.

652
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,600
A kid threw an egg at him,

653
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:30,640
but then the man stood up
off the mobility scooter,

654
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:34,040
he ran after the kid

655
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:36,360
and he punched that kid in the face.

656
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,760
That made me proud
to come from Goole,

657
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:45,400
one of the few towns where you get
to see benefit fraud live.

658
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,440
My housemate, he's weird.

659
00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:55,440
35 years old, still draws a little
line on his milk in marker pen

660
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,360
to know where the level was.

661
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:00,360
I think that's stupid,
but I get my own back.

662
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,840
I buy my own milk
and I use that to top his milk up

663
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,680
just above the line.

664
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:12,000
Just fucking with his head slowly.

665
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,200
He's confused.

666
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,760
He's looking at it.
He thinks the milk is growing.

667
00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,920
I have sat and watched him Google
the phrase, "Does milk expand?"

668
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:25,560
I'm in there.

669
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:28,280
And my side of the fridge,

670
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:29,720
it's looking pretty good
at the minute.

671
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,920
I don't mean to brag so early on,
but I've got Gu puddings in there.

672
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:35,040
AUDIENCE CHEERS

673
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:36,480
Yeah, I'm doing all right.

674
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,320
If you don't know what a Gu pudding
is, let me explain them to you.

675
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,160
They're these posh little puddings.

676
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:42,840
They come in a glass ramekin.

677
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,160
You eat the pudding,
then you wash out the ramekin

678
00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,720
and you look at it
and you think to yourself...

679
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,280
.."I'll do something with this.

680
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,920
"I'm gonna do something
with this ramekin."

681
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:01,440
Tell you the first thing you do,

682
00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:04,720
you put it in a drawer
with 25 other unused Gu ramekins.

683
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:08,320
I've got a drawer in my kitchen.

684
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:12,040
It's got ten Gu ramekins
and a packet of Imodium.

685
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:13,960
I don't want to know
what that is for.

686
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:17,720
Anyone taking Imodium tonight?

687
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:19,080
SOME CHEERS FROM CROWD

688
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:20,160
Wow.

689
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:21,800
A lot of you.

690
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,680
Horrible interval, I imagine.

691
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,800
I think Imodium
is the best medication.

692
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:30,240
Stops you shitting yourself,

693
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,600
but crucially, it's got some
of the funniest

694
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,680
potential side-effects
on the packet.

695
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:37,800
If you look on the side
of an Imodium packet, it says,

696
00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,440
"If you take Imodium, you may
suffer from a loss of libido."

697
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,560
Oh, the diarrhoea does that for me.

698
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:52,400
I'm not worrying about my sex drive
when I'm shitting myself like this.

699
00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:57,720
What sort of psychopath
is mid diarrhoea...

700
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:00,880
..reading the words,

701
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,160
"Lose my libido?"
No, thank you, then.

702
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,000
"I'm feeling pretty sexy
and confident at the minute.

703
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,440
"Oh-ho! Going out tonight.

704
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:15,360
"Might get lucky in between these
frequent, horrendous toilet stops."

705
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:21,200
I don't know.

706
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:23,720
It's hard being a Northerner
living in London.

707
00:34:23,720 --> 00:34:26,720
That's my situation at the minute.
I'm a Northerner living in London.

708
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:28,680
I get patronised all the time.

709
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:31,680
People hear my accent,
they assume I'm stupid

710
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,600
rather than getting to know me
and working it out that way.

711
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,960
Look, a lot of the time,
they are right.

712
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:42,240
I only found out two years ago

713
00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:46,200
that American people
call aubergines eggplants.

714
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,560
Two years ago I found that out.

715
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:51,680
I found it out because I overheard
two American people

716
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:53,280
talking about eggplants.

717
00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:55,360
And my first thought was,

718
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,680
"These two absolute morons.

719
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:03,000
"An eggplant? I think
they're trying to say chicken.

720
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:10,360
"An eggplant?

721
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,200
"Are you calling a cow a beef tree?
What's wrong with you?"

722
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:17,720
Yep. Hands up.
I'm the idiot in that situation.

723
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,880
Fair enough.

724
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:22,080
People don't like
the Northern accent.

725
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:23,880
Like, I was on Radio Four last year,

726
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:25,360
doing a bit of stand up,

727
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:28,840
and I received multiple complaints.

728
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,400
And look, not because of anything
I was saying,

729
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,240
like the content of the stand up.

730
00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:38,960
All my complaints were about how
I pronounce the letter H.

731
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,800
OK. And I get the sense in the room,

732
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,920
you're not going to be on my side
for this story.

733
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,000
I say it wrong,
I'll put my hands up.

734
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:52,240
I say it wrong, I say haitch,
it's supposed to be aitch.

735
00:35:52,240 --> 00:35:54,560
Big old difference there,
isn't there?

736
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:57,840
I think any normal people
would not give a shit about this,

737
00:35:57,840 --> 00:35:59,080
but people do.

738
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:00,440
I got a lot of emails.

739
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:04,040
I got an abusive tweet
from a woman called Margaret.

740
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:05,200
She wasn't happy.

741
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:09,200
She said, "I was enjoying listening
to Radio Four

742
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,680
"until Ian Smith came on.

743
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,240
"Someone needs to teach him
how to speak properly.

744
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:18,280
"It is A-I-T-C-H not H-A-I-T-C-H."

745
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,280
Has anyone here been in a position

746
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:23,440
where you've had to have a letter
spelt to you?

747
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:26,520
A letter?

748
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:30,040
A letter is...is one, isn't it?

749
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:32,320
A letter is one-letter long.

750
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:33,720
Yeah. Thank you.

751
00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:34,800
A-I-T-C-H.

752
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:39,960
Margaret has spelt a letter to me
with five letters.

753
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:44,040
One of those letters is the letter
she's spelling to me.

754
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:45,880
She's lost her head here, Margaret.

755
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:50,360
And the thing that upset me most
about Margaret's tweet.

756
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,720
That woman had not tweeted
in five years.

757
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:00,640
Five years.

758
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,160
Her last tweet five years ago was,

759
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:04,960
"Beautiful weather outside.

760
00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,200
"First goldfinch of the season
on my bird feeder.

761
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:10,840
"Bliss."

762
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,960
And she's put her laptop screen
down.

763
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:16,680
She's lived in that blissful life
for five years.

764
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:20,080
And nothing's bothered her
in five years.

765
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:22,440
And not just five years,
by the way.

766
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:26,680
Does anyone here remember
the last five years?

767
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:32,040
They're the shittest five years
of our collective memories!

768
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:35,240
Nothing's bothered Margaret, though.

769
00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:40,080
Pandemic - straight over her perm.

770
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:41,400
She doesn't give a shit about that.

771
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:45,000
Cost of living crisis,
not bothered.

772
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,880
Wars rampaging around the world,

773
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,400
she's probably rolling her eyes
at the news.

774
00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:51,840
I said haitch on the radio...

775
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:56,880
..she's heard that and gone,
"For fuck's sake!

776
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,320
"I will not stay silent."

777
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:04,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

778
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,160
Looking round the house
for her laptop.

779
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:12,560
"Where is it?

780
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,840
"Where did I put
my 2018 Dell laptop?"

781
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:18,720
Getting it out.

782
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:20,800
Blowing all the dust off the keys.

783
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,000
"What's my login?"

784
00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,600
There's no way she remembers
her login after five years.

785
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,640
She had to stay angry at me
for the amount of time it takes

786
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:30,680
for her to reset her own password.

787
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,120
Livid throughout that bit

788
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,160
where she's clicking
on fire hydrants

789
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:37,480
to prove she's not a robot.

790
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,960
"That's a fire hydrant.

791
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:41,320
"I know what a fire hydrant is.

792
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,400
"I'm a human being.

793
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,480
"A-I-T-C-H-U-M-A-N - human."

794
00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:53,360
Yeah.

795
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,360
It's difficult to know whether that
applause is for me or for yourselves

796
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:01,360
for working out the spelling bit
there.

797
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,680
I'm getting a dog.
Very excited about that.

798
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,640
Getting a dog. Yeah.
CROWD CHEERS

799
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:13,640
I'm going to call my dog
I Wish I Had A Dog, right?

800
00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:16,720
Cos then when it runs off
in the park, I get to go,

801
00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:20,080
"I Wish I Had A Dog!
I Wish I Had A Dog!"

802
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,520
And when it comes to me,
everyone will be like...

803
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:31,240
"What is that guy capable of?"

804
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:36,320
More exciting news - I've
got a girlfriend. Very exciting.

805
00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:37,720
Yeah.

806
00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:40,400
She's called
I Wish I Had A Girlfriend.

807
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:41,960
Shouted in the park.

808
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:44,360
It does work sometimes.
It does work.

809
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:45,920
But me and my girlfriend, we had...

810
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,520
We had a big holiday recently.
We were in New Zealand.

811
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:49,800
Very exciting.
AUDIENCE CHEERS

812
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:50,960
Yeah.

813
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,680
We were in a place called Auckland

814
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,480
and we visited this tourist place
called the Glowworm Caves.

815
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,120
Now, if you don't know
what the Glowworm Caves are,

816
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:03,760
it's very difficult to describe them
to you without sounding patronising.

817
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:05,680
They're...they're caves.

818
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:07,920
There's worms in them.

819
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:10,280
You're not going to believe
what they're up to.

820
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:14,960
I was very excited to go

821
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:18,400
until I read a one-star review
on TripAdvisor.

822
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:19,720
This woman, she wasn't happy.

823
00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:22,560
She said, "Do not go.

824
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,680
"There is a little girl
who cries throughout."

825
00:40:27,880 --> 00:40:29,520
There is.

826
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,920
Not, there was when she went.

827
00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:33,600
There is.

828
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:37,560
She thinks that's a permanent
fixture of the Glowworm Caves.

829
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:41,080
Her name is probably Margaret.
That's what's happening there.

830
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:44,760
I've got one criticism
of the Glowworm Caves,

831
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,600
and it sounds pretty pathetic,

832
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:49,040
but you don't get enough time
with the worms.

833
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,560
Do you know what I mean? You're in
and out. It's a tourist trap.

834
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:54,880
And they tried to pad out
our experience

835
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,920
by putting us back on the bus

836
00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:01,280
and telling us that we were going
to a second secret location,

837
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:04,640
and we did not
want to do that.

838
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:07,640
We wanted to stay in the location
we booked.

839
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:09,720
We're on a bus.
We don't know where we're going.

840
00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:12,120
That's a kidnapping.

841
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,840
So about an hour later,
we arrived at a farm.

842
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:16,640
Very similar set up to this.

843
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,320
There's an empty stage,
we're all sat in the audience.

844
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:22,840
A man comes on the stage
with this level of confidence,

845
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:27,360
and it's crucial you know
we have no idea why we're there.

846
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,440
And he comes on and he goes,

847
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:35,440
"Who here is ready
to see a live sheep shearing?!"

848
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:43,680
Uh, none of us.

849
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,960
No-one is ready to see
a live sheep shearing.

850
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:48,600
I don't know
if you've been told this.

851
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,760
We booked a Glowworm Cave.

852
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:55,160
But he just thinks we're being shy.

853
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:58,520
He's straight back at us,
"I can't hear you.

854
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,520
"I said, who's...?"

855
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:02,840
And we're going, "No, no, no,
no, no. We've heard you.

856
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,920
"We can't do confused silence
any louder than this."

857
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,160
So he goes to the back of the room,
lifts up a hatch,

858
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:11,560
a sheep comes running out.

859
00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,280
Cos he's always
doing the sheep shearing,

860
00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,480
whether we're ready for it or not.

861
00:42:15,480 --> 00:42:18,000
This sheep, it's like running
around the stage.

862
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,880
And I've never seen an animal
do this before.

863
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,480
When it saw an audience,
it did like a double take.

864
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:25,840
It just sort of went...

865
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,040
Well, even the sheep isn't ready
for a live sheep shearing.

866
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,720
There's only one man ready
for a live sheep shearing.

867
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:37,200
This psychopath at the back,

868
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,960
just like...just stalking the sheep,

869
00:42:40,960 --> 00:42:45,320
until eventually he runs and jumps
on top of the sheep,

870
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,720
gets it in a headlock.

871
00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,440
He's kicking the legs of the sheep

872
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,320
so it ends up on its arse.

873
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,440
He's got it like that.
He's got a microphone.

874
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:54,360
He ducks behind the sheep

875
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,400
so he can do a voice for the sheep.

876
00:42:57,880 --> 00:42:59,080
As if he's thinking,

877
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:02,200
"If they can see me, they won't
believe the sheep is talking."

878
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:04,920
Just kind of like that.

879
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:06,680
And he just goes,

880
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:08,720
"Hello, everybody.

881
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:11,280
"I'm about to get me haircut."

882
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:14,200
I'm watching like,

883
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:17,200
"This is the most brutal thing
I've ever seen in my life."

884
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,400
And the whole thing's ruined

885
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:21,280
cos they've got a little girl
who cries throughout.

886
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:25,360
Thank you very much, guys.

887
00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:28,200
This has been brilliant.
See you later. Thank you.

888
00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,320
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

889
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:38,240
Ian Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

890
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:41,040
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

891
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,960
A big round of applause
for the acts you saw tonight -

892
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:47,480
Ania Magliano, Ian Smith

893
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:52,000
and I've been your host,
Paul Chowdhry.

894
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE