1 00:00:03,230 --> 00:00:10,270 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:19,190 --> 00:00:22,830 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 3 00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:24,590 your host for tonight... 4 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:31,190 MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie 5 00:00:33,230 --> 00:00:36,870 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:58,310 Ahhhhh! Merry freaking Christmas! 7 00:00:58,310 --> 00:01:02,270 CHEERING 8 00:01:05,910 --> 00:01:07,750 I am Rosie. 9 00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:13,590 I am your gay Christmas tree. 10 00:01:15,870 --> 00:01:19,790 And if you don't know me, 11 00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:23,950 this is what your voice 12 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:28,270 sounds like on Zoom... 13 00:01:28,270 --> 00:01:31,190 LAUGHTER 14 00:01:34,630 --> 00:01:38,430 ..when your internet is shit. 15 00:01:40,670 --> 00:01:42,270 I'm telling you. 16 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:47,550 Two fricking years I had... 17 00:01:50,670 --> 00:01:56,710 "Rosie, there's something wrong with your... 18 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,830 "..connection!" 19 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:10,310 And I'm like, "No! 20 00:02:10,310 --> 00:02:14,110 Only the connection between 21 00:02:14,110 --> 00:02:17,630 my brain and my mouth hole. 22 00:02:17,630 --> 00:02:20,270 LAUGHTER 23 00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,110 You get on board... 24 00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,470 ..or you bugger off. 25 00:02:25,470 --> 00:02:28,990 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 26 00:02:28,990 --> 00:02:31,430 CHEERING 27 00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:38,750 I am so glad you're all on board. 28 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:45,470 I am your host for the evening. 29 00:02:45,470 --> 00:02:49,550 I will be here all night, 30 00:02:49,550 --> 00:02:52,390 guiding you through, 31 00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:55,830 so let's be honest. 32 00:02:56,950 --> 00:02:59,870 It'll be a long... 33 00:02:59,870 --> 00:03:02,270 LAUGHTER 34 00:03:03,830 --> 00:03:06,790 CHEERING 35 00:03:10,230 --> 00:03:13,070 If you've got any 36 00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:16,150 New Year plans... 37 00:03:17,310 --> 00:03:20,590 ..for 2024... 38 00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:23,430 LAUGHTER 39 00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:25,670 ..I would cancel them now. 40 00:03:28,150 --> 00:03:31,350 I love Christmas, 41 00:03:31,350 --> 00:03:33,190 I do. 42 00:03:33,190 --> 00:03:36,150 Apart from wrapping. 43 00:03:37,670 --> 00:03:40,110 Not for me. 44 00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:44,510 I average one present 45 00:03:44,510 --> 00:03:46,590 an hour. 46 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:49,790 Not good. This year, 47 00:03:49,790 --> 00:03:53,470 I've put all the presents 48 00:03:53,470 --> 00:03:55,950 in Tupperware. 49 00:03:55,950 --> 00:03:59,270 LAUGHTER 50 00:03:59,270 --> 00:04:00,990 Easy peasy. 51 00:04:03,070 --> 00:04:09,270 A bit confusing for my mum 52 00:04:09,270 --> 00:04:11,990 because her present 53 00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:14,390 was Tupperware. 54 00:04:14,390 --> 00:04:16,870 LAUGHTER 55 00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:23,110 APPLAUSE 56 00:04:26,830 --> 00:04:32,310 My favourite part of Christmas 57 00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:35,150 is the Nativity. 58 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,510 As a little girl, 59 00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:39,990 I loved it. 60 00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:43,270 And, every year, 61 00:04:43,270 --> 00:04:46,870 I'd get so excited to learn 62 00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,070 what my role was. 63 00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:55,270 And three years in a row, 64 00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:58,030 I got to play... 65 00:04:59,910 --> 00:05:04,750 ..disabled innkeeper's wife. 66 00:05:07,630 --> 00:05:10,990 I need to clarify 67 00:05:10,990 --> 00:05:16,710 that it was the wife who was disabled. 68 00:05:18,870 --> 00:05:21,070 Me. 69 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:26,750 But even as a little girl, 70 00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:30,790 I was a clever bugger. 71 00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:33,870 And I read, 72 00:05:33,870 --> 00:05:37,510 "disabled innkeeper's wife" 73 00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:40,670 and I thought, "Well... 74 00:05:42,390 --> 00:05:46,030 "..they haven't specified 75 00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:49,870 "what disability." 76 00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:53,510 LAUGHTER 77 00:05:53,510 --> 00:05:58,230 So I got a bit creative. 78 00:06:00,470 --> 00:06:03,710 My favourite year 79 00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:07,390 was when Mary and Joseph 80 00:06:07,390 --> 00:06:10,430 knocked on the door... 81 00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:16,510 ..and the disabled innkeeper's wife 82 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:19,870 did not answer... 83 00:06:19,870 --> 00:06:22,710 LAUGHTER 84 00:06:22,710 --> 00:06:25,230 APPLAUSE 85 00:06:29,830 --> 00:06:33,150 ..because her disability 86 00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:37,030 that year was deaf. 87 00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:40,070 LAUGHTER 88 00:06:41,910 --> 00:06:47,150 She actually had loads of room. 89 00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:49,230 LAUGHTER 90 00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:59,590 She just didn't hear the door go! 91 00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:08,430 Four years in to the Nativity game... 92 00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:11,430 ..I made it. 93 00:07:11,430 --> 00:07:13,750 I got the big one 94 00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:16,630 and I played Mary. 95 00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:19,790 AUDIENCE: Woo! 96 00:07:19,790 --> 00:07:21,910 Yes! 97 00:07:21,910 --> 00:07:24,790 Yeah, baby! 98 00:07:24,790 --> 00:07:26,910 Looking back now... 99 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:32,710 ..I think it was my teachers 100 00:07:32,710 --> 00:07:35,430 being woke. 101 00:07:35,430 --> 00:07:37,750 LAUGHTER 102 00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,790 And going... 103 00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:43,750 "Well, why shouldn't 104 00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:47,830 "a girl with cerebral palsy 105 00:07:47,830 --> 00:07:51,750 "play the mother of Jesus?" 106 00:07:54,630 --> 00:07:58,190 But if we're being honest... 107 00:07:59,790 --> 00:08:04,990 ..and if there was a God, 108 00:08:04,990 --> 00:08:07,350 which - spoiler alert... 109 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:14,870 LAUGHTER 110 00:08:18,310 --> 00:08:20,910 ..there isn't... 111 00:08:20,910 --> 00:08:23,550 If there was a God, 112 00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:28,230 and if he had the choice 113 00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:34,710 of any lady in the whole wide world 114 00:08:34,710 --> 00:08:39,710 to put his Godly sperm... 115 00:08:39,710 --> 00:08:41,950 LAUGHTER 116 00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:48,510 ..into, would he really choose 117 00:08:48,510 --> 00:08:54,150 a little girl in Bridlington... 118 00:08:56,390 --> 00:08:58,870 ..with cerebral palsy? 119 00:08:58,870 --> 00:09:01,750 No! 120 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:08,990 No, he wouldn't! Because that would be a fricking disaster! 121 00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:12,470 LAUGHTER 122 00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:20,030 People would be like, 123 00:09:20,030 --> 00:09:25,110 "Oh, have you heard about Jesus? 124 00:09:26,070 --> 00:09:28,270 "No, what?" 125 00:09:28,270 --> 00:09:31,510 "His mum dropped him..." 126 00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:34,630 LAUGHTER 127 00:09:37,790 --> 00:09:39,550 "..again." 128 00:09:39,550 --> 00:09:42,470 LAUGHTER 129 00:09:42,470 --> 00:09:45,350 APPLAUSE 130 00:09:49,190 --> 00:09:51,150 "Now he's got brain damage." 131 00:09:53,230 --> 00:09:55,270 Like mother, like son! 132 00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,950 I've had a good year. 133 00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:06,270 I've had a great 2022. 134 00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:11,510 I've had a lot of good things happen to me. 135 00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:13,310 I, um... 136 00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:17,230 Oh, I turned thirty... 137 00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:20,430 CHEERING 138 00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:23,990 ..two. 139 00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,750 LAUGHTER 140 00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:34,270 Oh, I became an honorary doctor. 141 00:10:34,270 --> 00:10:36,750 Yeah! 142 00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:39,990 I'm now Dr Jones. 143 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:42,190 The power! 144 00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:50,630 Although, right now, I've got to legally say 145 00:10:50,630 --> 00:10:56,830 I'm not allowed to perform any operations... 146 00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,030 ..any more. 147 00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:03,510 LAUGHTER 148 00:11:04,990 --> 00:11:07,590 The vasectomies... 149 00:11:09,350 --> 00:11:12,070 ..they were getting out of hand. 150 00:11:14,310 --> 00:11:15,830 Literally. 151 00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:23,350 Another great thing that happened to me 152 00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:26,430 was I got a girlfriend. 153 00:11:26,430 --> 00:11:28,950 AUDIENCE: Oooooh! Yes! 154 00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:31,150 Wait, don't cheer, 155 00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:32,790 she left me, 156 00:11:32,790 --> 00:11:36,630 and now I'm single again. 157 00:11:36,630 --> 00:11:39,470 AUDIENCE: Aw! Thank you! 158 00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:43,550 But I just wanted to say 159 00:11:43,550 --> 00:11:45,830 that I'm single... 160 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:48,430 ..on telly. 161 00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:50,630 LAUGHTER 162 00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:52,270 Call me. 163 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:58,350 I had a lovely time with my girlfriend. 164 00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:04,750 My favourite thing I used to do with her 165 00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:08,030 was we'd play a game. 166 00:12:08,030 --> 00:12:12,750 Every morning, we'd decide 167 00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:17,350 whether we wanted to listen 168 00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:24,270 to our favourite band, Nickelback... 169 00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:28,630 No judgment! 170 00:12:30,470 --> 00:12:34,550 ..or we would read 171 00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:39,510 the Guardian - lovely - 172 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:45,310 or whether we wanted to have sex. 173 00:12:45,310 --> 00:12:49,190 And we called that game, 174 00:12:49,190 --> 00:12:51,350 "Rock, paper..." 175 00:12:52,590 --> 00:12:56,110 LAUGHTER 176 00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:59,510 APPLAUSE 177 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,630 Oh, you are clever! 178 00:13:09,510 --> 00:13:11,710 "..scissors." 179 00:13:11,710 --> 00:13:16,270 But unlike the game you know, 180 00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:20,230 "scissors" always won. 181 00:13:20,230 --> 00:13:22,870 LAUGHTER 182 00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:29,350 This year, I've been a little bit annoying. 183 00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:38,070 And I think it comes with the territory 184 00:13:38,070 --> 00:13:42,670 of being a disabled person 185 00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:46,230 on TV. 186 00:13:46,230 --> 00:13:49,350 This year, 187 00:13:49,350 --> 00:13:53,110 I've won a lot of awards. 188 00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:56,390 A lot. CHEERING 189 00:13:56,390 --> 00:13:58,430 No! Don't! 190 00:13:58,430 --> 00:14:01,470 I need a bigger house! 191 00:14:01,470 --> 00:14:05,990 There's no room in there. 192 00:14:05,990 --> 00:14:12,030 An award I won is I got voted 193 00:14:12,030 --> 00:14:18,390 this year's most remarkable woman. 194 00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:22,110 CHEERING 195 00:14:28,510 --> 00:14:30,070 I mean... 196 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,110 I'm not! 197 00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:38,270 The most remarkable thing I've done all year is, 198 00:14:38,270 --> 00:14:42,350 for eight straight hours, 199 00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:44,150 I had a wank. 200 00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:48,590 LAUGHTER 201 00:14:52,230 --> 00:14:55,310 Thank you, Killing Eve. 202 00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:58,590 LAUGHTER 203 00:15:02,670 --> 00:15:07,910 I recently met Jodie Comer, 204 00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:13,390 and I said, "Oh, I've got a joke about you." 205 00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:19,150 And she said, "What is it?" 206 00:15:20,390 --> 00:15:21,710 And I went... 207 00:15:23,110 --> 00:15:25,630 ..ha... 208 00:15:28,110 --> 00:15:29,630 No. 209 00:15:32,470 --> 00:15:37,230 Another bloody award I got 210 00:15:37,230 --> 00:15:42,430 is I got voted one of the country's 211 00:15:42,430 --> 00:15:48,510 most powerful lesbians. 212 00:15:48,510 --> 00:15:51,470 CHEERING 213 00:15:53,350 --> 00:15:57,030 No, no, no. What does that even mean? 214 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:03,390 I wasn't number one. 215 00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:08,110 Cos that was Clare Balding. 216 00:16:10,430 --> 00:16:11,830 Wanker. 217 00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:14,710 LAUGHTER 218 00:16:16,990 --> 00:16:20,070 And I wasn't number two... 219 00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:23,390 ..or three... 220 00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:28,150 ..or five! 221 00:16:29,830 --> 00:16:31,150 Or four. 222 00:16:33,870 --> 00:16:37,390 I was number... 223 00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:38,870 ..96. 224 00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:46,830 Ninety fucking six! 225 00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:53,710 I don't know 96 lesbians! 226 00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:58,710 Where are they? 227 00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:05,310 I want to play rock, paper, scissors! 228 00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:08,950 CHEERING 229 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:19,310 Right. 230 00:17:19,310 --> 00:17:22,310 I'm done! 231 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:25,830 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 232 00:17:28,230 --> 00:17:30,470 Let me tell you, 233 00:17:30,470 --> 00:17:37,190 you are in for a bloody cracker of a show! 234 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,630 Are you ready? 235 00:17:40,630 --> 00:17:44,590 CHEERING 236 00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:52,710 Yeah, you are! 237 00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:55,670 Now, please give it up 238 00:17:55,670 --> 00:17:58,390 for your first act, 239 00:17:58,390 --> 00:18:02,390 she's amazing! 240 00:18:02,390 --> 00:18:06,630 It's Cally Beaton! 241 00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:10,550 CHEERING 242 00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:15,190 MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues 243 00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:22,070 Happy Christmas, Apollo! 244 00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:24,910 CHEERING 245 00:18:24,910 --> 00:18:27,990 Oh, it's lovely to hear your spirits so up 246 00:18:27,990 --> 00:18:31,190 with the cost of living crisis as it is, isn't it? 247 00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,270 I've decided this year we're going to barbecue the turkey 248 00:18:34,270 --> 00:18:36,870 and have Christmas dinner in the garden. 249 00:18:36,870 --> 00:18:39,190 I say the garden, I live in North London. 250 00:18:39,190 --> 00:18:43,350 My garden is about the size of a small tea towel, so... 251 00:18:43,350 --> 00:18:46,470 I sometimes think I mow away more when I shave. 252 00:18:46,470 --> 00:18:49,310 LAUGHTER 253 00:18:49,310 --> 00:18:52,750 It's just a joke, sir. All right? 254 00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,150 I don't shave, so... 255 00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:56,950 LAUGHTER 256 00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:58,870 It's a lovely time of year, isn't it? 257 00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:00,870 It's all about the children this time of year. 258 00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:03,710 Give us a cheer - the parents in! CHEERING 259 00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:08,190 You sound very chipper for people who are going to have to choose 260 00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:11,030 between heating your houses and Lego this Christmas. 261 00:19:12,390 --> 00:19:14,270 I'm a parent. 262 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:17,950 I am a single parent of a boy and a girl, apart from on Tinder, 263 00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:20,590 where I'm a single, fun-loving nurse. But that's... 264 00:19:22,310 --> 00:19:24,030 It's nice to see you again, sir. 265 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,150 I, um... 266 00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:28,310 But, no, my kids are amazing. 267 00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:29,630 I've got a boy and a girl. 268 00:19:29,630 --> 00:19:30,950 My boy is the ginger one. 269 00:19:30,950 --> 00:19:33,590 He's my favourite. And... 270 00:19:33,590 --> 00:19:35,870 He isn't. I... 271 00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,950 No, he's an amazing kid. 272 00:19:37,950 --> 00:19:41,510 So when he was little, he was diagnosed with autism. 273 00:19:41,510 --> 00:19:45,990 And he always had this phenomenal gift with maths and numbers, 274 00:19:45,990 --> 00:19:48,190 but he never liked anyone to give him a hug. 275 00:19:48,190 --> 00:19:50,550 And it was a difficult thing, you know, being his mum, 276 00:19:50,550 --> 00:19:52,870 not being able to hold my own child. 277 00:19:52,870 --> 00:19:54,830 But I would look at him and I would think, 278 00:19:54,830 --> 00:19:58,150 "That's my little boy filling out my little tax return." 279 00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:00,390 So, you... 280 00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:04,670 You power through, don't you, Apollo? Power through. 281 00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:05,830 You'll all know this. 282 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:09,110 There are so many fantastic celebratory things 283 00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:10,790 about autistic children. 284 00:20:10,790 --> 00:20:12,990 And one of the most brilliant things 285 00:20:12,990 --> 00:20:15,430 is they tend to have an encyclopaedic knowledge 286 00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:18,670 of the thing they most love in all the world. 287 00:20:18,670 --> 00:20:22,630 And in my son's case, it was always anything to do with animals, 288 00:20:22,630 --> 00:20:25,870 and in particular, monkeys and apes. 289 00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:30,430 My son, at a very young age, was one of the world's foremost 290 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:33,630 primate experts, and I became one of the world's 291 00:20:33,630 --> 00:20:36,390 second-foremost primate experts. 292 00:20:37,550 --> 00:20:40,070 And let me get this out there for you lovely people. 293 00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:43,910 It's a lonely life being a bonobo ape mum. 294 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:48,190 Now, some people here may know what bonobo apes are. 295 00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:50,590 They're an endangered great ape. 296 00:20:50,590 --> 00:20:53,990 They're the closest living relative of a human being. 297 00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:56,430 Don't worry, sir. If you're not laughing, you're learning. 298 00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,830 They're... LAUGHTER 299 00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:02,950 In DNA terms a bonobo ape is just half a percent removed from a human. 300 00:21:02,950 --> 00:21:04,710 Half a percent! 301 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:08,230 I've dated people less human than a bonobo ape. 302 00:21:08,230 --> 00:21:11,590 APPLAUSE 303 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:20,670 And they've left that half percent DNA on my sheets, but... 304 00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:22,870 AUDIENCE GROANS 305 00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:28,790 But I think it's amazing, isn't it, that a teenage boy 306 00:21:28,790 --> 00:21:31,190 would have that knowledge of bonobo apes. 307 00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,990 Here's a fun fact for you, Apollo. 308 00:21:32,990 --> 00:21:36,470 They eat up to half their body weight in food 309 00:21:36,470 --> 00:21:39,830 and masturbate up to 20 times a day. 310 00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:40,990 I know! 311 00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:42,990 Bonobos wank a lot, too. 312 00:21:47,750 --> 00:21:49,950 But I'm so proud of my boy. 313 00:21:49,950 --> 00:21:52,310 He's now making a living out of his passion. 314 00:21:52,310 --> 00:21:55,150 He is now a primate-specialising zookeeper at a big zoo 315 00:21:55,150 --> 00:21:56,590 down in the West Country. 316 00:21:56,590 --> 00:21:58,630 So... Thank you. 317 00:21:58,630 --> 00:22:01,270 APPLAUSE 318 00:22:02,110 --> 00:22:04,310 I couldn't be more happy for him. 319 00:22:04,310 --> 00:22:07,790 We speak every single day and he tells me about all the weird 320 00:22:07,790 --> 00:22:09,790 and wonderful creatures he's met. 321 00:22:09,790 --> 00:22:12,190 Not just the people of Devon. And... 322 00:22:12,190 --> 00:22:13,710 LAUGHTER 323 00:22:13,710 --> 00:22:17,110 We spoke yesterday - because zoos have to be open during Christmas. 324 00:22:17,110 --> 00:22:20,630 We spoke yesterday and he said to me, "Mum, Mum, you'll never guess 325 00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:23,350 "what I did today." And I said, "What did you do today?" 326 00:22:23,350 --> 00:22:26,670 And he said, "Today, I castrated a lemur." 327 00:22:26,670 --> 00:22:28,070 So... I know! 328 00:22:28,070 --> 00:22:30,510 And I said, "Well, you've always been clumsy." 329 00:22:30,510 --> 00:22:31,710 LAUGHTER 330 00:22:33,350 --> 00:22:36,950 But I remember for his second Christmas I didn't want to do 331 00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:39,030 all the gender stereotyping things. 332 00:22:39,030 --> 00:22:41,470 So for his second Christmas I bought him a little iron 333 00:22:41,470 --> 00:22:44,350 and an ironing board. I thought that would be so sweet. 334 00:22:44,350 --> 00:22:47,550 Turned out he'd never seen me use an iron. 335 00:22:47,550 --> 00:22:49,990 So, he just started walking around saying, 336 00:22:49,990 --> 00:22:53,270 "I can't talk right now, could you send me an email?" 337 00:22:57,310 --> 00:22:59,750 I think things have got a little bit better now. 338 00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:03,190 But when I was a little girl, we were told it's not OK 339 00:23:03,190 --> 00:23:05,030 to be angry. Not ladylike. 340 00:23:05,030 --> 00:23:06,750 Little girls must not get angry. 341 00:23:06,750 --> 00:23:09,310 And little boys were told, it's not OK to cry. 342 00:23:09,310 --> 00:23:10,390 You mustn't get upset. 343 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:14,390 So little boys would always take their emotions out in aggression. 344 00:23:14,390 --> 00:23:17,590 And as adults, we as women, we get told we're a little bit 345 00:23:17,590 --> 00:23:20,070 naggy, aren't we, sometimes? We're a bit passive aggressive. 346 00:23:20,070 --> 00:23:21,910 That's cos you took aggressive. 347 00:23:21,910 --> 00:23:24,510 You left us passive aggressive. 348 00:23:24,510 --> 00:23:25,950 But we're fine with that. 349 00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:28,790 Luckily, we're absolutely fine with that. 350 00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:30,390 LAUGHTER Nothing's wrong. 351 00:23:30,390 --> 00:23:32,030 Why would anything be wrong? 352 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,190 I could keep this going till next Christmas, but we've got 353 00:23:36,190 --> 00:23:37,750 a show to do. 354 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,310 But I think it would be lovely, 355 00:23:39,310 --> 00:23:41,230 don't you, if men would cry a bit more? 356 00:23:41,230 --> 00:23:43,830 Not just every four years at the Euros. 357 00:23:43,830 --> 00:23:46,510 LAUGHTER 358 00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:48,790 APPLAUSE 359 00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:53,550 Do you know what, it's nearly 2023. 360 00:23:53,550 --> 00:23:57,670 When are we going to start celebrating women and our bodies? 361 00:23:57,670 --> 00:24:01,310 It does not matter what age, size, body type we've got. 362 00:24:01,310 --> 00:24:02,710 Am I right, Apollo? 363 00:24:02,710 --> 00:24:05,110 CHEERING 364 00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:06,110 I, erm... 365 00:24:09,390 --> 00:24:11,870 You guys are all right with the F-word, yeah? 366 00:24:11,870 --> 00:24:14,430 Feminism. So... 367 00:24:14,430 --> 00:24:17,030 I love this whole body positive movement there is. 368 00:24:17,030 --> 00:24:18,190 I think it's brilliant. 369 00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:22,230 And my daughter bought me a T-shirt and it just sums it up, I think. 370 00:24:22,230 --> 00:24:25,070 On it, it just said the words, 371 00:24:25,070 --> 00:24:28,310 "My weight is not the most interesting thing about me." 372 00:24:28,310 --> 00:24:31,150 And I think, isn't that a beautiful, simple thing to have upliftingly 373 00:24:31,150 --> 00:24:32,270 on a T-shirt? Isn't it? 374 00:24:32,270 --> 00:24:34,910 APPLAUSE 375 00:24:34,910 --> 00:24:37,670 I was going to wear that T-shirt to do this, actually, 376 00:24:37,670 --> 00:24:39,910 but it makes me look fat. So... 377 00:24:39,910 --> 00:24:42,110 LAUGHTER 378 00:24:44,110 --> 00:24:45,990 My daughter and I, we're really close. 379 00:24:45,990 --> 00:24:49,150 I took her out for some festive cocktails last week and we went 380 00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:52,710 to one of those lovely fancy sky bars down on the South Bank 381 00:24:52,710 --> 00:24:53,750 of the Thames. 382 00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:57,030 And as we were queuing to get in, they were doing very, very thorough 383 00:24:57,030 --> 00:24:58,350 bag checks on the door. 384 00:24:58,350 --> 00:25:00,030 My daughter's face just fell and she said, 385 00:25:00,030 --> 00:25:02,630 "Mum, Mum, they won't suspect you. 386 00:25:02,630 --> 00:25:05,470 "Can you put my weed in your pocket?" 387 00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:08,390 I was like, something's gone wrong here, hasn't it? 388 00:25:08,390 --> 00:25:11,630 "Can you put my weed in your pocket, PLEASE?" 389 00:25:11,630 --> 00:25:14,750 LAUGHTER 390 00:25:14,750 --> 00:25:17,190 And where was I going to put my cocaine? 391 00:25:21,030 --> 00:25:22,310 But we got in. 392 00:25:22,310 --> 00:25:26,230 We had the most wonderful night and we kept getting free cocktails. 393 00:25:26,230 --> 00:25:28,350 There was a very, very good-looking young waiter, 394 00:25:28,350 --> 00:25:30,070 wouldn't let us pay for a single thing. 395 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,710 At the end of the night, that waiter came over, 396 00:25:32,710 --> 00:25:35,550 he bent down, he said to my daughter, he said, 397 00:25:35,550 --> 00:25:38,190 "If you weren't here, I'd take your mum home with me." 398 00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:43,070 I couldn't believe how long it took to get an Uber for my daughter. 399 00:25:43,070 --> 00:25:44,270 It was... 400 00:25:44,270 --> 00:25:46,550 LAUGHTER 401 00:25:49,030 --> 00:25:54,510 So I found this thing online that can best be described 402 00:25:54,510 --> 00:25:56,590 as a menopause magnet, right? 403 00:25:56,590 --> 00:25:58,110 I don't mean George Clooney. 404 00:25:58,110 --> 00:26:01,350 This is literally a magnetic device to help a woman 405 00:26:01,350 --> 00:26:03,590 through the menopause. This thing arrived in the post. 406 00:26:03,590 --> 00:26:06,030 It said it would help me with my mood swings and my hot flashes. 407 00:26:06,030 --> 00:26:08,270 And what you do is... I know this sounds weird, sir, right. 408 00:26:08,270 --> 00:26:10,950 But what you do is you put a magnet on the front of your knickers, 409 00:26:10,950 --> 00:26:13,150 you put a metal disc on the inside of your knickers. 410 00:26:13,150 --> 00:26:16,590 It keeps the magnet securely and discreetly in place. 411 00:26:16,590 --> 00:26:18,230 And that bit works so beautifully. 412 00:26:18,230 --> 00:26:21,870 But what they don't tell you on the menopause magnet packaging 413 00:26:21,870 --> 00:26:26,390 is when it is tucked neatly and very discreetly in your pants, distinct 414 00:26:26,390 --> 00:26:30,630 possibility you will find yourself metallically attached... 415 00:26:32,510 --> 00:26:34,950 ..to the self-checkout in Waitrose. 416 00:26:34,950 --> 00:26:37,070 LAUGHTER 417 00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:41,830 The unexpected item in the bagging area. 418 00:26:41,830 --> 00:26:44,030 LAUGHTER 419 00:26:44,030 --> 00:26:46,670 I just rang it through as a butternut squash and I pissed off. 420 00:26:46,670 --> 00:26:48,870 LAUGHTER 421 00:26:48,870 --> 00:26:51,310 I felt so stupid. The week before, 422 00:26:51,310 --> 00:26:55,190 I'd spent a whole ten minutes attached to my tumble dryer. 423 00:26:55,190 --> 00:26:58,270 I mean, it was a very nice ten minutes if I'm... 424 00:26:58,270 --> 00:26:59,630 LAUGHTER 425 00:26:59,630 --> 00:27:02,230 It took me so long to decorate the tree this year. 426 00:27:02,230 --> 00:27:05,390 All the baubles kept getting stuck in my pubic triangle. 427 00:27:06,350 --> 00:27:09,950 I've still got at least one novelty Santa down there. 428 00:27:09,950 --> 00:27:12,190 But no, they're really powerful magnets. 429 00:27:12,190 --> 00:27:14,230 Honestly, sir, if you've got any metal fillings, 430 00:27:14,230 --> 00:27:16,310 I'd shimmy back a bit and shut your mouth. 431 00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:24,350 A pandemic was no place for a menopausal woman, right? 432 00:27:24,350 --> 00:27:28,070 Do you remember when they were taking your temperatures everywhere before you could get in? 433 00:27:28,070 --> 00:27:31,350 We were only ever one hot flush away from getting fully cancelled. 434 00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:32,950 It was... 435 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:35,190 I remember the last time it happened so clearly. 436 00:27:35,190 --> 00:27:37,430 I was out with a friend, we were trying to just get a pizza 437 00:27:37,430 --> 00:27:40,790 and they were taking temperatures on the door and the guy took mine and he looked at me. 438 00:27:40,790 --> 00:27:42,070 He said, "There's a problem." 439 00:27:42,070 --> 00:27:44,070 And I said, "What do you mean there's a problem?" 440 00:27:44,070 --> 00:27:45,950 He said, "I'm really sorry, there is a problem." 441 00:27:45,950 --> 00:27:48,310 And I said, "Am I a little bit overheated? 442 00:27:48,310 --> 00:27:50,150 "That's funny, cos I'm a 50-year-old woman, 443 00:27:50,150 --> 00:27:52,470 "I've just spent an hour and a quarter on the Northern Line 444 00:27:52,470 --> 00:27:56,310 "wearing a mask, and I raised two children single-handedly, 445 00:27:56,310 --> 00:27:58,950 "I gave birth to them with no pain relief while their dad 446 00:27:58,950 --> 00:28:02,030 "complained his back was hurting, and 447 00:28:02,030 --> 00:28:04,750 "I haven't had a good night's sleep in about two years because of my 448 00:28:04,750 --> 00:28:08,110 "anxiety, my irrational crying and my vaginal dryness. 449 00:28:08,110 --> 00:28:11,590 "I don't know what my body's doing. It should send the tears down there. 450 00:28:11,590 --> 00:28:13,070 "That's where I really need them. 451 00:28:13,070 --> 00:28:14,990 "And... 452 00:28:14,990 --> 00:28:18,990 "And I am attached to your fire extinguisher by my pants!" 453 00:28:18,990 --> 00:28:21,950 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 454 00:28:29,230 --> 00:28:31,590 Turned out the problem was 455 00:28:31,590 --> 00:28:35,070 with the card machine. You had to pay on the app. 456 00:28:35,070 --> 00:28:36,390 So... 457 00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:41,750 So let me find out, you lovely Christmas Apollo people, 458 00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:43,870 who are the other single people in apart from me? 459 00:28:43,870 --> 00:28:45,710 Single people, make some noise. 460 00:28:45,710 --> 00:28:47,510 AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER 461 00:28:47,510 --> 00:28:49,190 Oh, a few people there. 462 00:28:49,190 --> 00:28:52,590 So, I mean, I'm going to be the ghost of Christmas dating future. 463 00:28:52,590 --> 00:28:55,030 I'm going to make you beautiful women feel so much better 464 00:28:55,030 --> 00:28:56,070 about being single. 465 00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:58,350 By the way, do you ever do the drink dialling thing? 466 00:28:58,350 --> 00:29:00,710 Do you ever do that? You're saying no, your mate's going, 467 00:29:00,710 --> 00:29:04,430 "She bloody does." Yes, I did it last week, right. 468 00:29:04,430 --> 00:29:07,830 I sent a text to my ex just to see if he wanted to go for a drink. 469 00:29:07,830 --> 00:29:09,030 That's all it was. 470 00:29:09,030 --> 00:29:11,750 And autocorrect jumped in and changed it to, 471 00:29:11,750 --> 00:29:14,150 "You've got a tiny dick and you've ruined my life." 472 00:29:14,150 --> 00:29:15,270 So... 473 00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:17,830 LAUGHTER 474 00:29:17,830 --> 00:29:20,230 It's weird, isn't it, technology? 475 00:29:21,830 --> 00:29:24,230 By the way, I did, for the first time in my life, 476 00:29:24,230 --> 00:29:27,510 I recently dated a fellow ginger and I felt 477 00:29:27,510 --> 00:29:29,190 like I was doing something illegal. 478 00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:32,270 I did! Especially because he did look a lot like my brother. 479 00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:35,870 So... I mean, not once I started sleeping with him, obviously, 480 00:29:35,870 --> 00:29:37,670 he didn't remind me of my brother then. 481 00:29:37,670 --> 00:29:39,950 He does it differently. So... 482 00:29:39,950 --> 00:29:42,110 LAUGHTER 483 00:29:43,190 --> 00:29:46,630 Because it's Christmas-time, instead of ending with a joke, 484 00:29:46,630 --> 00:29:49,870 I'm going to leave you, if I may, with a really uplifting quote. 485 00:29:49,870 --> 00:29:52,430 Somebody told me this the other day. I'd never heard it before. 486 00:29:52,430 --> 00:29:54,790 I think it's beautiful. It goes like this: 487 00:29:54,790 --> 00:29:58,990 The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high 488 00:29:58,990 --> 00:30:03,270 and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. 489 00:30:03,270 --> 00:30:04,710 That's Michelangelo. 490 00:30:04,710 --> 00:30:07,550 And I think, isn't it amazing, that wisdom 491 00:30:07,550 --> 00:30:09,990 from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? 492 00:30:09,990 --> 00:30:13,350 You've been absolutely delightful, Apollo. Happy Christmas! 493 00:30:13,350 --> 00:30:14,910 And goodnight! 494 00:30:14,910 --> 00:30:17,390 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 495 00:30:24,790 --> 00:30:29,070 Cally Beaton! 496 00:30:33,350 --> 00:30:36,670 Are you ready 497 00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:43,470 for a little bit more comedy? 498 00:30:43,470 --> 00:30:46,550 CHEERING 499 00:30:46,550 --> 00:30:48,990 Yeah, you bloody are! 500 00:30:48,990 --> 00:30:53,030 So whoop and cheer for 501 00:30:53,030 --> 00:30:59,350 the amazing Eshaan Akbar! 502 00:30:59,350 --> 00:31:00,430 CHEERING 503 00:31:00,430 --> 00:31:02,190 MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade 504 00:31:02,190 --> 00:31:04,470 # So here it is, Merry Christmas 505 00:31:04,470 --> 00:31:08,070 # Everybody's having fun 506 00:31:09,430 --> 00:31:12,150 # Look to the future now... # 507 00:31:13,350 --> 00:31:16,630 Yes! Merry Christmas, Apollo! 508 00:31:16,630 --> 00:31:18,030 CHEERING 509 00:31:18,030 --> 00:31:19,430 Lovely to be here. 510 00:31:19,430 --> 00:31:21,070 I'm not Romesh. 511 00:31:21,070 --> 00:31:24,150 LAUGHTER 512 00:31:24,150 --> 00:31:25,550 It is lovely to be here. 513 00:31:25,550 --> 00:31:27,350 But here's the thing, Christmas as well... 514 00:31:27,350 --> 00:31:28,590 I love Christmas. 515 00:31:28,590 --> 00:31:30,230 Give me a cheer if you love Christmas. 516 00:31:30,230 --> 00:31:31,430 CHEERING Thank you. 517 00:31:31,430 --> 00:31:34,110 I love Christmas, too, but I get it, some of you are you looking at me, 518 00:31:34,110 --> 00:31:35,910 you're thinking, "Hold on a minute, Eshaan. 519 00:31:35,910 --> 00:31:36,990 "You? 520 00:31:41,070 --> 00:31:42,670 "You love Christmas? 521 00:31:42,670 --> 00:31:45,710 "You look a bit too...Muslim for that, mate." 522 00:31:45,710 --> 00:31:47,070 It's true. 523 00:31:47,070 --> 00:31:49,910 I am from a Muslim background, but we love Christmas in our household. 524 00:31:49,910 --> 00:31:52,470 Because we're Muslim, though, we do things a bit differently. 525 00:31:52,470 --> 00:31:54,590 For a start, we don't call it Christmas, 526 00:31:54,590 --> 00:31:56,070 we call it Jesus Eid. 527 00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:01,430 Instead of having kind of pigs in blankets, 528 00:32:01,430 --> 00:32:03,110 we have lamb in shawls. 529 00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:06,390 We used to play pass the parcel. 530 00:32:06,390 --> 00:32:09,230 But then my uncle got taken away by MI5, so we... 531 00:32:09,230 --> 00:32:12,070 LAUGHTER 532 00:32:12,070 --> 00:32:14,230 APPLAUSE 533 00:32:14,230 --> 00:32:15,710 ..stopped that immediately. 534 00:32:18,470 --> 00:32:21,390 But my family, actually, my family background, we're from two countries 535 00:32:21,390 --> 00:32:23,430 that actually celebrate Christmas a lot. 536 00:32:23,430 --> 00:32:26,750 Combined, there's four million Christians in those countries. 537 00:32:26,750 --> 00:32:29,950 My dad's from Pakistan and my mum is from Bangladesh, 538 00:32:29,950 --> 00:32:32,150 which means I can make a fantastic 539 00:32:32,150 --> 00:32:33,750 pair of jeans. 540 00:32:33,750 --> 00:32:35,830 LAUGHTER 541 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,510 What else can I tell you to add to this kind of colourful concoction? 542 00:32:41,510 --> 00:32:44,590 Guys, I also happen to be a deaf person. 543 00:32:44,590 --> 00:32:46,790 HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK 544 00:32:48,310 --> 00:32:51,510 No disability ever gets a woooo! 545 00:32:51,510 --> 00:32:54,110 Because I wear a hearing aid, what tends to happen is I go for a job 546 00:32:54,110 --> 00:32:56,870 interview sometimes and I can see an HR manager sitting in a corner 547 00:32:56,870 --> 00:32:58,510 going, tick, tick, tick. 548 00:33:01,030 --> 00:33:03,230 "Please be gay. Please be gay. Please be gay." 549 00:33:03,230 --> 00:33:05,270 LAUGHTER 550 00:33:05,270 --> 00:33:08,470 And they're not the only ones that do weird things when they find out I'm deaf. 551 00:33:08,470 --> 00:33:10,470 Often people will come up to me, they'll be like, 552 00:33:10,470 --> 00:33:12,510 "Oh, my God, Eshaan, it's so interesting that 553 00:33:12,510 --> 00:33:16,870 "you wear a hearing aid because I think I'm actually 554 00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,870 "a bit deaf, too." 555 00:33:18,870 --> 00:33:22,310 LAUGHTER 556 00:33:22,310 --> 00:33:23,950 What do I do with this information? 557 00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:26,390 And you can't do this with any other disability, can you? 558 00:33:26,390 --> 00:33:28,470 Like, you can't go up to someone in a wheelchair... 559 00:33:29,710 --> 00:33:32,710 LAUGHTER 560 00:33:32,710 --> 00:33:36,430 Say, "Mate, when I drink too much..." 561 00:33:36,430 --> 00:33:38,390 LAUGHTER 562 00:33:38,390 --> 00:33:41,430 "..my legs feel a bit wobbly as well." 563 00:33:41,430 --> 00:33:44,270 It's just a weird thing to say. 564 00:33:44,270 --> 00:33:45,470 But here's the thing. 565 00:33:45,470 --> 00:33:48,550 I think, as a society, we need to get a bit more honest about the 566 00:33:48,550 --> 00:33:49,750 flaws in our thinking, right? 567 00:33:49,750 --> 00:33:52,350 Over the last few years, I feel like too many of us have tried to 568 00:33:52,350 --> 00:33:54,470 present ourselves as having perfect thoughts. 569 00:33:54,470 --> 00:33:57,270 And I can be honest enough with you, Apollo, to admit to you tonight 570 00:33:57,270 --> 00:33:59,550 that when I see someone with a more visible disability 571 00:33:59,550 --> 00:34:03,390 than I've got, I get jealous 572 00:34:03,390 --> 00:34:06,190 at how much clout they've got in the disability game, 573 00:34:06,190 --> 00:34:08,670 cos no-one respects deafness as a disability, do they? 574 00:34:08,670 --> 00:34:10,070 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Pardon? 575 00:34:10,070 --> 00:34:12,710 LAUGHTER 576 00:34:12,710 --> 00:34:15,590 APPLAUSE 577 00:34:15,590 --> 00:34:17,910 Don't applaud him! 578 00:34:17,910 --> 00:34:19,830 That was ableist and unnecessarily so. 579 00:34:21,390 --> 00:34:24,110 I get jealous of them because no-one respects deafness as a disability, 580 00:34:24,110 --> 00:34:25,310 do they? 581 00:34:25,310 --> 00:34:27,430 I can't legitimately enter the Paralympics, can I? 582 00:34:28,510 --> 00:34:32,230 There's blind football, wheelchair basketball. 583 00:34:32,230 --> 00:34:35,070 A deaf race would be a line of men just waiting to start. 584 00:34:35,070 --> 00:34:37,630 LAUGHTER 585 00:34:37,630 --> 00:34:41,750 APPLAUSE 586 00:34:45,030 --> 00:34:46,830 The thing is, it's not all bad. 587 00:34:46,830 --> 00:34:48,870 Cos look, life is hard and life is complicated. 588 00:34:48,870 --> 00:34:51,510 And when life throws lemons your way, you've got to try and find 589 00:34:51,510 --> 00:34:53,150 a way to make lemonade. I wasn't born deaf. 590 00:34:53,150 --> 00:34:54,990 I turned deaf in my mid 20s, right. 591 00:34:54,990 --> 00:34:57,830 So the silver lining that I found of my deafness is this - 592 00:34:57,830 --> 00:35:01,710 I get a Disabled Persons Railcard. 593 00:35:01,710 --> 00:35:03,990 AUDIENCE: Ooooooh! 594 00:35:03,990 --> 00:35:06,470 Gets me a third off rail travel. Absolutely amazing. 595 00:35:06,470 --> 00:35:09,190 And when I got it, again, be honest about the flaws in your thinking. 596 00:35:09,190 --> 00:35:12,070 You were like, "Eshaan, you've got a Disabled Persons Railcard, 597 00:35:12,070 --> 00:35:14,870 "you don't like walking so much. 598 00:35:14,870 --> 00:35:16,910 "Bro, go and get a blue badge." 599 00:35:16,910 --> 00:35:18,310 LAUGHTER 600 00:35:18,310 --> 00:35:21,590 So I walked into the local council office - a bit too ably. 601 00:35:21,590 --> 00:35:23,630 LAUGHTER 602 00:35:25,030 --> 00:35:27,870 The guy looked at me behind the counter and he goes, "Ah, yes, come over." 603 00:35:27,870 --> 00:35:31,310 I'm like, "Wow, this guy knows exactly why I'm here," right? And he beckons me over. 604 00:35:31,310 --> 00:35:33,550 He sits me down and then he pulls out a form. 605 00:35:33,550 --> 00:35:36,350 And on the form you have to tick the reason why you're giving someone 606 00:35:36,350 --> 00:35:37,430 a blue badge, right? 607 00:35:37,430 --> 00:35:38,830 He ticks off, 608 00:35:38,830 --> 00:35:40,670 "Weight-related mobility issues". 609 00:35:40,670 --> 00:35:44,310 LAUGHTER 610 00:35:44,310 --> 00:35:48,590 The thing is, in the UK, like, I grew up loving trains, right? 611 00:35:48,590 --> 00:35:51,070 But there's one thing about the trains other than the fact 612 00:35:51,070 --> 00:35:53,670 that I want them to run on time, that I really need them to change. 613 00:35:53,670 --> 00:35:56,910 And it's this announcement that goes, "See it, say it, sorted." 614 00:35:56,910 --> 00:35:58,150 Have you heard this? 615 00:35:58,150 --> 00:36:00,150 For those that haven't, "See it, say it, sorted," 616 00:36:00,150 --> 00:36:02,630 is an announcement on trains which basically means if you see 617 00:36:02,630 --> 00:36:06,070 something suspicious, call the British Transport Police. 618 00:36:06,070 --> 00:36:08,910 But we all know what they really mean by suspicious. 619 00:36:13,590 --> 00:36:15,190 If you see a brown bloke 620 00:36:15,190 --> 00:36:16,510 with a rucksack... 621 00:36:17,830 --> 00:36:19,590 ..give us a fucking call. 622 00:36:19,590 --> 00:36:20,910 LAUGHTER 623 00:36:20,910 --> 00:36:23,550 Now, I've never liked "see it, say it, sorted" 624 00:36:23,550 --> 00:36:26,390 because, for a start, it just raises fear and suspicion constantly. 625 00:36:26,390 --> 00:36:29,230 Second, it doesn't get to the heart of the issue of what they really 626 00:36:29,230 --> 00:36:31,630 want us to do, which is racial profiling. 627 00:36:31,630 --> 00:36:34,110 And third, and most importantly, 628 00:36:34,110 --> 00:36:36,150 see it, say it, sorted 629 00:36:36,150 --> 00:36:38,950 doesn't bloody rhyme. 630 00:36:38,950 --> 00:36:40,190 LAUGHTER 631 00:36:40,190 --> 00:36:42,430 Now this upset me. I said, "Right, I've got to come up 632 00:36:42,430 --> 00:36:44,870 "with some alternative options to reflect the reality of 633 00:36:44,870 --> 00:36:47,510 "the situation and make it a bit more linguistically appealing." 634 00:36:47,510 --> 00:36:50,150 So I've come up with two options to replace "see it, say it, sorted". 635 00:36:50,150 --> 00:36:52,430 By way of cheer, you can tell me which one you prefer, OK? 636 00:36:52,430 --> 00:36:56,030 So option number one to replace "see it, say it, sorted". 637 00:36:56,030 --> 00:36:59,310 Seen a Muso? If so, let us know. 638 00:36:59,310 --> 00:37:01,510 LAUGHTER 639 00:37:02,750 --> 00:37:04,510 Average? OK. 640 00:37:04,510 --> 00:37:06,390 Option number two. 641 00:37:06,390 --> 00:37:08,510 Don't be wacky, report a... 642 00:37:08,510 --> 00:37:11,070 LAUGHTER 643 00:37:11,070 --> 00:37:12,150 Hey! 644 00:37:13,070 --> 00:37:14,670 Hey! 645 00:37:14,670 --> 00:37:16,870 You little racist pieces of... 646 00:37:18,710 --> 00:37:20,150 Gotcha! 647 00:37:20,150 --> 00:37:22,030 LAUGHTER 648 00:37:23,830 --> 00:37:26,190 I'm in my late 30s at the moment and a lot of my friends 649 00:37:26,190 --> 00:37:27,910 are already kind of parents of toddlers. 650 00:37:27,910 --> 00:37:30,510 Do we have any parents of toddlers in at the moment? Give me a cheer. 651 00:37:30,510 --> 00:37:31,790 SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER 652 00:37:31,790 --> 00:37:35,030 Yeah, you are the worst human beings on the planet. 653 00:37:35,030 --> 00:37:37,230 I hate each and every single one of you, right? 654 00:37:37,230 --> 00:37:38,870 Cos parents of toddlers nowadays, 655 00:37:38,870 --> 00:37:41,990 my God, they feel the need to show that they love their child 656 00:37:41,990 --> 00:37:43,350 when they're in public. 657 00:37:43,350 --> 00:37:45,590 Like, get on a train, you'll 100% see this. 658 00:37:45,590 --> 00:37:47,230 They'll be like, 659 00:37:47,230 --> 00:37:50,670 "Oscar, we're on a train. 660 00:37:53,310 --> 00:37:55,750 "Did you bring your bag with you today, darling? 661 00:37:55,750 --> 00:37:58,910 "I know, there are lots of people on the train, aren't there? 662 00:37:58,910 --> 00:38:01,830 "What's that, you want to press the button even though they're waiting? 663 00:38:01,830 --> 00:38:03,310 "Don't worry about them. 664 00:38:03,310 --> 00:38:06,070 "Maybe I'll read you a story first, Oscar. 665 00:38:06,070 --> 00:38:07,310 "I love you, Oscar. 666 00:38:08,590 --> 00:38:09,990 "I love you, Oscar. 667 00:38:12,590 --> 00:38:14,590 "I really love you, Oscar." 668 00:38:16,470 --> 00:38:17,510 Fuck off! 669 00:38:17,510 --> 00:38:20,310 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 670 00:38:25,190 --> 00:38:29,830 I understand and assume that you love your child. 671 00:38:29,830 --> 00:38:31,870 I don't need to see this performance parenting. 672 00:38:31,870 --> 00:38:34,390 Now, I don't have any children. I've got a little nephew. 673 00:38:34,390 --> 00:38:37,110 When I get my nephew along, I think to myself, I don't want to miss out 674 00:38:37,110 --> 00:38:39,990 on the opportunity to be a complete dick in public. 675 00:38:39,990 --> 00:38:41,510 LAUGHTER 676 00:38:41,510 --> 00:38:44,710 So I get my nephew, I sit him down, I say, 677 00:38:44,710 --> 00:38:46,150 EXAGGERATED ACCENT: "Hello, Ali. 678 00:38:48,350 --> 00:38:49,590 "We are on a train. 679 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:53,870 "Did you bring your rucksack with you today? 680 00:38:53,870 --> 00:38:57,110 LAUGHTER 681 00:39:00,750 --> 00:39:04,070 "I know, there are lots of people on the train. 682 00:39:04,070 --> 00:39:06,230 "What's that, you want to press the button, do you?" 683 00:39:08,310 --> 00:39:10,510 All the parents shut the hell up. 684 00:39:10,510 --> 00:39:13,910 And there's a woman in the corner going, "See it, say it, sorted." 685 00:39:13,910 --> 00:39:17,990 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 686 00:39:24,430 --> 00:39:27,110 And I know some of you are sitting there thinking, "Hold on, Eshaan, 687 00:39:27,110 --> 00:39:30,150 "it's a Christmas show. You can't start talking about terrorism." 688 00:39:30,150 --> 00:39:31,590 It is funny, though. 689 00:39:31,590 --> 00:39:33,350 LAUGHTER 690 00:39:33,350 --> 00:39:35,550 One of my favourite things about Christmas, right, 691 00:39:35,550 --> 00:39:37,950 are the Christmas adverts. I absolutely love them. 692 00:39:37,950 --> 00:39:40,350 When I know they're about to come on, I go to the living room 693 00:39:40,350 --> 00:39:42,550 with a pack of tissues to cry. 694 00:39:42,550 --> 00:39:44,590 Pack of tissues, enjoy the Christmas adverts. 695 00:39:44,590 --> 00:39:47,030 But a couple of years ago, right, Sainsbury's did an ad 696 00:39:47,030 --> 00:39:48,470 that caused a major issue. 697 00:39:48,470 --> 00:39:51,510 They showed a black family enjoying Christmas. 698 00:39:51,510 --> 00:39:53,350 The horror! 699 00:39:53,350 --> 00:39:56,990 They showed this beautiful, strong black dad making a lovely Christmas 700 00:39:56,990 --> 00:39:58,630 dinner for his beautiful family. 701 00:39:58,630 --> 00:40:00,270 And he's stirring some gravy. 702 00:40:00,270 --> 00:40:03,070 Gravy, fuck off. Jerk sauce. We know what's happening here. 703 00:40:03,070 --> 00:40:04,190 LAUGHTER 704 00:40:04,190 --> 00:40:05,510 And all these people are like, 705 00:40:05,510 --> 00:40:08,590 "Right, Sainsbury's, it is political correctness gone too far, mate. 706 00:40:08,590 --> 00:40:11,070 "This is some woke bollocks. I've had enough of this bullshit. 707 00:40:11,070 --> 00:40:13,910 "I'm going Tesco, I'm going Morrisons. Piss off, Sainsbury's!" 708 00:40:13,910 --> 00:40:15,310 LAUGHTER 709 00:40:15,310 --> 00:40:18,670 And all these lovely liberal people on Twitter, 710 00:40:18,670 --> 00:40:22,030 they were like, "Oh, you dirty, disgusting gammons. 711 00:40:24,030 --> 00:40:26,510 "I can't wait to shop at Sainsbury's this year. 712 00:40:26,510 --> 00:40:29,310 "In fact, I think I might have a Caribbean Christmas. 713 00:40:29,310 --> 00:40:31,590 LAUGHTER 714 00:40:31,590 --> 00:40:33,990 "There'll be steel drums, and everything." Ooh! 715 00:40:33,990 --> 00:40:36,630 And they were conducting themselves with this air of superiority, 716 00:40:36,630 --> 00:40:39,550 like somehow they're better than the people boycotting Sainsbury's. 717 00:40:39,550 --> 00:40:42,430 I'm like, hold on a minute, hold on. You're not better than them. 718 00:40:42,430 --> 00:40:46,190 We all do it. We all boycott stuff we don't see ourselves in. 719 00:40:46,190 --> 00:40:50,310 Every single person in this room at one point or another has boycotted 720 00:40:50,310 --> 00:40:53,630 something they don't see themselves in. 721 00:40:53,630 --> 00:40:56,310 It's the same reason I've boycotted porn. 722 00:40:57,350 --> 00:40:59,790 LAUGHTER 723 00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:02,630 There are no Asians in mainstream porn. 724 00:41:02,630 --> 00:41:05,350 Why? There's billions of us. We're shagging. 725 00:41:07,110 --> 00:41:10,150 And by the way, when I say Asian, I mean curry Asian, not noodle. 726 00:41:10,150 --> 00:41:13,190 LAUGHTER 727 00:41:15,230 --> 00:41:17,270 And you hate yourself for getting it, don't you? 728 00:41:17,270 --> 00:41:18,550 I was thinking to myself, 729 00:41:18,550 --> 00:41:21,510 why are there no Asians in mainstream porn? 730 00:41:21,510 --> 00:41:23,950 It really, really made me sad. 731 00:41:23,950 --> 00:41:25,790 And I thought about it and I thought about it. 732 00:41:25,790 --> 00:41:28,190 And I realised, it's because Asian porn, 733 00:41:28,190 --> 00:41:31,470 the storylines would be so shit. 734 00:41:31,470 --> 00:41:35,270 Imagine a classic patient-doctor porn scene. 735 00:41:35,270 --> 00:41:37,350 Patient comes in, she's like, 736 00:41:37,350 --> 00:41:40,030 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, Doctor, 737 00:41:40,030 --> 00:41:42,350 "I've got such a headache, big boy. 738 00:41:45,070 --> 00:41:47,910 "How are you going to get this one out of me?" 739 00:41:47,910 --> 00:41:49,150 And he's like, 740 00:41:49,150 --> 00:41:53,150 INDIAN ACCENT: "Well, you take two paracetamol four times a day, you'll be fine." 741 00:41:53,150 --> 00:41:55,830 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 742 00:42:00,190 --> 00:42:01,750 And she's like, 743 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:05,830 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, my hand is stuck in the photocopier. 744 00:42:08,030 --> 00:42:10,790 "How are you going to get me out of this one, big boy?" 745 00:42:10,790 --> 00:42:11,990 And he's like, 746 00:42:11,990 --> 00:42:15,350 INDIAN ACCENT: "Er, turn it off and then on again. I don't..." 747 00:42:15,350 --> 00:42:17,070 LAUGHTER 748 00:42:17,070 --> 00:42:19,030 Or she gets in the back of a taxi... 749 00:42:23,470 --> 00:42:26,110 Gets in the back of a taxi, notices the cab driver, and she's like, 750 00:42:26,110 --> 00:42:28,150 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God. 751 00:42:28,150 --> 00:42:30,790 "You're such a hot, sexy cab driver. Mm. 752 00:42:31,710 --> 00:42:33,230 "You want to park the car somewhere, 753 00:42:33,230 --> 00:42:36,870 "come to the back and do naughty, naughty things to me, big boy?" 754 00:42:36,870 --> 00:42:38,550 And he's like, 755 00:42:38,550 --> 00:42:41,750 INDIAN ACCENT: "Will you give me five stars?" 756 00:42:41,750 --> 00:42:44,830 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 757 00:42:50,110 --> 00:42:52,470 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Eshaan Akbar. 758 00:42:52,470 --> 00:42:54,830 Merry Christmas. I'll see you soon! 759 00:42:54,830 --> 00:42:59,310 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 760 00:43:03,310 --> 00:43:07,150 Eshaan Akbar. 761 00:43:07,150 --> 00:43:10,270 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 762 00:43:12,550 --> 00:43:16,670 Have you all had a lovely time? 763 00:43:16,670 --> 00:43:20,350 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 764 00:43:24,190 --> 00:43:31,710 Please, give it up one more time for Cally Beaton... 765 00:43:31,710 --> 00:43:36,310 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 766 00:43:37,790 --> 00:43:42,510 ..and Eshaan Akbar! 767 00:43:42,510 --> 00:43:46,430 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 768 00:43:46,430 --> 00:43:49,310 I've been Rosie. 769 00:43:49,310 --> 00:43:51,190 Bye-bye!