1 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:09,320 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:21,840 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 3 00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,600 your host for tonight... 4 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,200 MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie 5 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,880 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 6 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:57,360 Ahhhhh! Merry freaking Christmas! 7 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,280 CHEERING 8 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,760 I am Rosie. 9 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:12,600 I am your gay Christmas tree. 10 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:18,840 And if you don't know me, 11 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,960 this is what your voice 12 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:27,280 sounds like on Zoom... 13 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,200 LAUGHTER 14 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,440 ..when your internet is shit. 15 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,280 I'm telling you. 16 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,600 Two fricking years I had... 17 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:55,760 "Rosie, there's something wrong with your... 18 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,840 "..connection!" 19 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:09,360 And I'm like, "No! 20 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,160 Only the connection between 21 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,640 my brain and my mouth hole. 22 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:19,280 LAUGHTER 23 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:22,120 You get on board... 24 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,520 ..or you bugger off. 25 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,000 LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE 26 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,480 CHEERING 27 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,760 I am so glad you're all on board. 28 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:44,480 I am your host for the evening. 29 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:48,600 I will be here all night, 30 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,400 guiding you through, 31 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,840 so let's be honest. 32 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,920 It'll be a long... 33 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,320 LAUGHTER 34 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,800 CHEERING 35 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,120 If you've got any 36 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,160 New Year plans... 37 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,600 ..for 2024... 38 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,480 LAUGHTER 39 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,680 ..I would cancel them now. 40 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,400 I love Christmas, 41 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,200 I do. 42 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:35,160 Apart from wrapping. 43 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,120 Not for me. 44 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,520 I average one present 45 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,640 an hour. 46 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,800 Not good. This year, 47 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,480 I've put all the presents 48 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,960 in Tupperware. 49 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,280 LAUGHTER 50 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,000 Easy peasy. 51 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:08,280 A bit confusing for my mum 52 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,040 because her present 53 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,400 was Tupperware. 54 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,880 LAUGHTER 55 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,160 APPLAUSE 56 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:31,360 My favourite part of Christmas 57 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,160 is the Nativity. 58 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,520 As a little girl, 59 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,040 I loved it. 60 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,320 And, every year, 61 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,880 I'd get so excited to learn 62 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,080 what my role was. 63 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:54,320 And three years in a row, 64 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,080 I got to play... 65 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,760 ..disabled innkeeper's wife. 66 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:10,040 I need to clarify 67 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:15,720 that it was the wife who was disabled. 68 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:20,080 Me. 69 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:25,800 But even as a little girl, 70 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,840 I was a clever bugger. 71 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,880 And I read, 72 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,560 "disabled innkeeper's wife" 73 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,680 and I thought, "Well... 74 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:45,080 "..they haven't specified 75 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,920 "what disability." 76 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:52,520 LAUGHTER 77 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:57,240 So I got a bit creative. 78 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,760 My favourite year 79 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,400 was when Mary and Joseph 80 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,440 knocked on the door... 81 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:15,560 ..and the disabled innkeeper's wife 82 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:18,880 did not answer... 83 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,720 LAUGHTER 84 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,280 APPLAUSE 85 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,200 ..because her disability 86 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,040 that year was deaf. 87 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,080 LAUGHTER 88 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:46,160 She actually had loads of room. 89 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,280 LAUGHTER 90 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:58,600 She just didn't hear the door go! 91 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:07,440 Four years in to the Nativity game... 92 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,480 ..I made it. 93 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:12,800 I got the big one 94 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,640 and I played Mary. 95 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,800 AUDIENCE: Woo! 96 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,920 Yes! 97 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,800 Yeah, baby! 98 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,960 Looking back now... 99 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,720 ..I think it was my teachers 100 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,480 being woke. 101 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,760 LAUGHTER 102 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,800 And going... 103 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:42,760 "Well, why shouldn't 104 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,880 "a girl with cerebral palsy 105 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,760 "play the mother of Jesus?" 106 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,240 But if we're being honest... 107 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:04,000 ..and if there was a God, 108 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,360 which - spoiler alert... 109 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:13,880 LAUGHTER 110 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,920 ..there isn't... 111 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,600 If there was a God, 112 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:27,240 and if he had the choice 113 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:33,720 of any lady in the whole wide world 114 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:38,760 to put his Godly sperm... 115 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,960 LAUGHTER 116 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:47,560 ..into, would he really choose 117 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:53,160 a little girl in Bridlington... 118 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,880 ..with cerebral palsy? 119 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,800 No! 120 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:08,000 No, he wouldn't! Because that would be a fricking disaster! 121 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,480 LAUGHTER 122 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,040 People would be like, 123 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:24,160 "Oh, have you heard about Jesus? 124 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,280 "No, what?" 125 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,520 "His mum dropped him..." 126 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,640 LAUGHTER 127 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,600 "..again." 128 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,520 LAUGHTER 129 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,360 APPLAUSE 130 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,160 "Now he's got brain damage." 131 00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,280 Like mother, like son! 132 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000 I've had a good year. 133 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:05,320 I've had a great 2022. 134 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:10,520 I've had a lot of good things happen to me. 135 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,320 I, um... 136 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:16,240 Oh, I turned thirty... 137 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,440 CHEERING 138 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,000 ..two. 139 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,760 LAUGHTER 140 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:33,280 Oh, I became an honorary doctor. 141 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,760 Yeah! 142 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,000 I'm now Dr Jones. 143 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,240 The power! 144 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:49,680 Although, right now, I've got to legally say 145 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:55,880 I'm not allowed to perform any operations... 146 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,080 ..any more. 147 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,520 LAUGHTER 148 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,640 The vasectomies... 149 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,080 ..they were getting out of hand. 150 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,840 Literally. 151 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:22,400 Another great thing that happened to me 152 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,440 was I got a girlfriend. 153 00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,000 AUDIENCE: Oooooh! Yes! 154 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,160 Wait, don't cheer, 155 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,800 she left me, 156 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,680 and now I'm single again. 157 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,520 AUDIENCE: Aw! Thank you! 158 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,560 But I just wanted to say 159 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,880 that I'm single... 160 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,440 ..on telly. 161 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,640 LAUGHTER 162 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,280 Call me. 163 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:57,400 I had a lovely time with my girlfriend. 164 00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:03,760 My favourite thing I used to do with her 165 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,040 was we'd play a game. 166 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:11,760 Every morning, we'd decide 167 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:16,400 whether we wanted to listen 168 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:23,280 to our favourite band, Nickelback... 169 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,680 No judgment! 170 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,600 ..or we would read 171 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:38,520 the Guardian - lovely - 172 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:44,320 or whether we wanted to have sex. 173 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,200 And we called that game, 174 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,360 "Rock, paper..." 175 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,160 LAUGHTER 176 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,520 APPLAUSE 177 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,680 Oh, you are clever! 178 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,760 "..scissors." 179 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:15,320 But unlike the game you know, 180 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:19,240 "scissors" always won. 181 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:21,880 LAUGHTER 182 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:28,360 This year, I've been a little bit annoying. 183 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:37,080 And I think it comes with the territory 184 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:41,680 of being a disabled person 185 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,280 on TV. 186 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,400 This year, 187 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:52,160 I've won a lot of awards. 188 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,400 A lot. CHEERING 189 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,440 No! Don't! 190 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,480 I need a bigger house! 191 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:05,040 There's no room in there. 192 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:11,080 An award I won is I got voted 193 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:17,440 this year's most remarkable woman. 194 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,120 CHEERING 195 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,080 I mean... 196 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,120 I'm not! 197 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:37,280 The most remarkable thing I've done all year is, 198 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:41,400 for eight straight hours, 199 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,160 I had a wank. 200 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,640 LAUGHTER 201 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:54,320 Thank you, Killing Eve. 202 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:57,640 LAUGHTER 203 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:06,960 I recently met Jodie Comer, 204 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:12,400 and I said, "Oh, I've got a joke about you." 205 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,160 And she said, "What is it?" 206 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,760 And I went... 207 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,680 ..ha... 208 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,680 No. 209 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:36,280 Another bloody award I got 210 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:41,440 is I got voted one of the country's 211 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:47,560 most powerful lesbians. 212 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,520 CHEERING 213 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:56,080 No, no, no. What does that even mean? 214 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,440 I wasn't number one. 215 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,160 Cos that was Clare Balding. 216 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:10,840 Wanker. 217 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,720 LAUGHTER 218 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,120 And I wasn't number two... 219 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,400 ..or three... 220 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,160 ..or five! 221 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,200 Or four. 222 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,440 I was number... 223 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,920 ..96. 224 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,880 Ninety fucking six! 225 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:52,760 I don't know 96 lesbians! 226 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,720 Where are they? 227 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:04,360 I want to play rock, paper, scissors! 228 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,960 CHEERING 229 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,320 Right. 230 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,360 I'm done! 231 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,840 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 232 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,520 Let me tell you, 233 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:36,200 you are in for a bloody cracker of a show! 234 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:39,640 Are you ready? 235 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,640 CHEERING 236 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:51,720 Yeah, you are! 237 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,680 Now, please give it up 238 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,440 for your first act, 239 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:01,400 she's amazing! 240 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:05,680 It's Cally Beaton! 241 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,600 CHEERING 242 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:14,200 MUSIC: Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues 243 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,120 Happy Christmas, Apollo! 244 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,960 CHEERING 245 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,040 Oh, it's lovely to hear your spirits so up 246 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,240 with the cost of living crisis as it is, isn't it? 247 00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:33,320 I've decided this year we're going to barbecue the turkey 248 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,920 and have Christmas dinner in the garden. 249 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,240 I say the garden, I live in North London. 250 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,400 My garden is about the size of a small tea towel, so... 251 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,480 I sometimes think I mow away more when I shave. 252 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,320 LAUGHTER 253 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,760 It's just a joke, sir. All right? 254 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,160 I don't shave, so... 255 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,000 LAUGHTER 256 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,920 It's a lovely time of year, isn't it? 257 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,920 It's all about the children this time of year. 258 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,760 Give us a cheer - the parents in! CHEERING 259 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,240 You sound very chipper for people who are going to have to choose 260 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,040 between heating your houses and Lego this Christmas. 261 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,320 I'm a parent. 262 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,000 I am a single parent of a boy and a girl, apart from on Tinder, 263 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,600 where I'm a single, fun-loving nurse. But that's... 264 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,040 It's nice to see you again, sir. 265 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,200 I, um... 266 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,320 But, no, my kids are amazing. 267 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,640 I've got a boy and a girl. 268 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:29,960 My boy is the ginger one. 269 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,640 He's my favourite. And... 270 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,920 He isn't. I... 271 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,000 No, he's an amazing kid. 272 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,560 So when he was little, he was diagnosed with autism. 273 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:45,040 And he always had this phenomenal gift with maths and numbers, 274 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,240 but he never liked anyone to give him a hug. 275 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,600 And it was a difficult thing, you know, being his mum, 276 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,920 not being able to hold my own child. 277 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,880 But I would look at him and I would think, 278 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,160 "That's my little boy filling out my little tax return." 279 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,440 So, you... 280 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,680 You power through, don't you, Apollo? Power through. 281 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:04,880 You'll all know this. 282 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,160 There are so many fantastic celebratory things 283 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,840 about autistic children. 284 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:12,040 And one of the most brilliant things 285 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,480 is they tend to have an encyclopaedic knowledge 286 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,720 of the thing they most love in all the world. 287 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,680 And in my son's case, it was always anything to do with animals, 288 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,920 and in particular, monkeys and apes. 289 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:29,480 My son, at a very young age, was one of the world's foremost 290 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,640 primate experts, and I became one of the world's 291 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,400 second-foremost primate experts. 292 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,120 And let me get this out there for you lovely people. 293 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:42,960 It's a lonely life being a bonobo ape mum. 294 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:47,200 Now, some people here may know what bonobo apes are. 295 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,640 They're an endangered great ape. 296 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,040 They're the closest living relative of a human being. 297 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,480 Don't worry, sir. If you're not laughing, you're learning. 298 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,880 They're... LAUGHTER 299 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:02,000 In DNA terms a bonobo ape is just half a percent removed from a human. 300 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,760 Half a percent! 301 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:07,240 I've dated people less human than a bonobo ape. 302 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,640 APPLAUSE 303 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:19,720 And they've left that half percent DNA on my sheets, but... 304 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,880 AUDIENCE GROANS 305 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,840 But I think it's amazing, isn't it, that a teenage boy 306 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,200 would have that knowledge of bonobo apes. 307 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,040 Here's a fun fact for you, Apollo. 308 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,480 They eat up to half their body weight in food 309 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,880 and masturbate up to 20 times a day. 310 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,040 I know! 311 00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,000 Bonobos wank a lot, too. 312 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,000 But I'm so proud of my boy. 313 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,360 He's now making a living out of his passion. 314 00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:54,200 He is now a primate-specialising zookeeper at a big zoo 315 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,640 down in the West Country. 316 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,640 So... Thank you. 317 00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:00,280 APPLAUSE 318 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,360 I couldn't be more happy for him. 319 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,840 We speak every single day and he tells me about all the weird 320 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,800 and wonderful creatures he's met. 321 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,240 Not just the people of Devon. And... 322 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,760 LAUGHTER 323 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,160 We spoke yesterday - because zoos have to be open during Christmas. 324 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,680 We spoke yesterday and he said to me, "Mum, Mum, you'll never guess 325 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,400 "what I did today." And I said, "What did you do today?" 326 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,680 And he said, "Today, I castrated a lemur." 327 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,120 So... I know! 328 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,520 And I said, "Well, you've always been clumsy." 329 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,720 LAUGHTER 330 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,960 But I remember for his second Christmas I didn't want to do 331 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,080 all the gender stereotyping things. 332 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,520 So for his second Christmas I bought him a little iron 333 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,400 and an ironing board. I thought that would be so sweet. 334 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:46,600 Turned out he'd never seen me use an iron. 335 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,040 So, he just started walking around saying, 336 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,280 "I can't talk right now, could you send me an email?" 337 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,800 I think things have got a little bit better now. 338 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,200 But when I was a little girl, we were told it's not OK 339 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,080 to be angry. Not ladylike. 340 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,800 Little girls must not get angry. 341 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,320 And little boys were told, it's not OK to cry. 342 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,440 You mustn't get upset. 343 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,440 So little boys would always take their emotions out in aggression. 344 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,640 And as adults, we as women, we get told we're a little bit 345 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,080 naggy, aren't we, sometimes? We're a bit passive aggressive. 346 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,920 That's cos you took aggressive. 347 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,560 You left us passive aggressive. 348 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,000 But we're fine with that. 349 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,840 Luckily, we're absolutely fine with that. 350 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,400 LAUGHTER Nothing's wrong. 351 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,040 Why would anything be wrong? 352 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,200 I could keep this going till next Christmas, but we've got 353 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,760 a show to do. 354 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,360 But I think it would be lovely, 355 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,280 don't you, if men would cry a bit more? 356 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,880 Not just every four years at the Euros. 357 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:45,520 LAUGHTER 358 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,840 APPLAUSE 359 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,600 Do you know what, it's nearly 2023. 360 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:56,720 When are we going to start celebrating women and our bodies? 361 00:23:56,720 --> 00:24:00,360 It does not matter what age, size, body type we've got. 362 00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:01,720 Am I right, Apollo? 363 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,160 CHEERING 364 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:05,160 I, erm... 365 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,880 You guys are all right with the F-word, yeah? 366 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,480 Feminism. So... 367 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,040 I love this whole body positive movement there is. 368 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:17,240 I think it's brilliant. 369 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:21,240 And my daughter bought me a T-shirt and it just sums it up, I think. 370 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,120 On it, it just said the words, 371 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,360 "My weight is not the most interesting thing about me." 372 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,200 And I think, isn't that a beautiful, simple thing to have upliftingly 373 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:31,320 on a T-shirt? Isn't it? 374 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,960 APPLAUSE 375 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,680 I was going to wear that T-shirt to do this, actually, 376 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,920 but it makes me look fat. So... 377 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,160 LAUGHTER 378 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,040 My daughter and I, we're really close. 379 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,200 I took her out for some festive cocktails last week and we went 380 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:51,720 to one of those lovely fancy sky bars down on the South Bank 381 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:52,800 of the Thames. 382 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,040 And as we were queuing to get in, they were doing very, very thorough 383 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:57,400 bag checks on the door. 384 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,040 My daughter's face just fell and she said, 385 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,680 "Mum, Mum, they won't suspect you. 386 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,520 "Can you put my weed in your pocket?" 387 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,440 I was like, something's gone wrong here, hasn't it? 388 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,640 "Can you put my weed in your pocket, PLEASE?" 389 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,800 LAUGHTER 390 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,200 And where was I going to put my cocaine? 391 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,360 But we got in. 392 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:25,280 We had the most wonderful night and we kept getting free cocktails. 393 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,400 There was a very, very good-looking young waiter, 394 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,120 wouldn't let us pay for a single thing. 395 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,760 At the end of the night, that waiter came over, 396 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,600 he bent down, he said to my daughter, he said, 397 00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:37,200 "If you weren't here, I'd take your mum home with me." 398 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,080 I couldn't believe how long it took to get an Uber for my daughter. 399 00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,320 It was... 400 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,560 LAUGHTER 401 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:53,520 So I found this thing online that can best be described 402 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,600 as a menopause magnet, right? 403 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:57,160 I don't mean George Clooney. 404 00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,400 This is literally a magnetic device to help a woman 405 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,640 through the menopause. This thing arrived in the post. 406 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,080 It said it would help me with my mood swings and my hot flashes. 407 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,320 And what you do is... I know this sounds weird, sir, right. 408 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,000 But what you do is you put a magnet on the front of your knickers, 409 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,200 you put a metal disc on the inside of your knickers. 410 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,640 It keeps the magnet securely and discreetly in place. 411 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,280 And that bit works so beautifully. 412 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,920 But what they don't tell you on the menopause magnet packaging 413 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:25,440 is when it is tucked neatly and very discreetly in your pants, distinct 414 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,640 possibility you will find yourself metallically attached... 415 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:34,000 ..to the self-checkout in Waitrose. 416 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,080 LAUGHTER 417 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,880 The unexpected item in the bagging area. 418 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,080 LAUGHTER 419 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,680 I just rang it through as a butternut squash and I pissed off. 420 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,880 LAUGHTER 421 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,360 I felt so stupid. The week before, 422 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:54,240 I'd spent a whole ten minutes attached to my tumble dryer. 423 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,320 I mean, it was a very nice ten minutes if I'm... 424 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:58,680 LAUGHTER 425 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:01,280 It took me so long to decorate the tree this year. 426 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,400 All the baubles kept getting stuck in my pubic triangle. 427 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,000 I've still got at least one novelty Santa down there. 428 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,240 But no, they're really powerful magnets. 429 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,280 Honestly, sir, if you've got any metal fillings, 430 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,360 I'd shimmy back a bit and shut your mouth. 431 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:23,400 A pandemic was no place for a menopausal woman, right? 432 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:27,120 Do you remember when they were taking your temperatures everywhere before you could get in? 433 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,360 We were only ever one hot flush away from getting fully cancelled. 434 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,000 It was... 435 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,240 I remember the last time it happened so clearly. 436 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,520 I was out with a friend, we were trying to just get a pizza 437 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,800 and they were taking temperatures on the door and the guy took mine and he looked at me. 438 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,120 He said, "There's a problem." 439 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,120 And I said, "What do you mean there's a problem?" 440 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,000 He said, "I'm really sorry, there is a problem." 441 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,360 And I said, "Am I a little bit overheated? 442 00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:49,200 "That's funny, cos I'm a 50-year-old woman, 443 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,520 "I've just spent an hour and a quarter on the Northern Line 444 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:55,360 "wearing a mask, and I raised two children single-handedly, 445 00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,000 "I gave birth to them with no pain relief while their dad 446 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:01,080 "complained his back was hurting, and 447 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,800 "I haven't had a good night's sleep in about two years because of my 448 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,160 "anxiety, my irrational crying and my vaginal dryness. 449 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,600 "I don't know what my body's doing. It should send the tears down there. 450 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,080 "That's where I really need them. 451 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,040 "And... 452 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:18,000 "And I am attached to your fire extinguisher by my pants!" 453 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 454 00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:30,640 Turned out the problem was 455 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:34,120 with the card machine. You had to pay on the app. 456 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,440 So... 457 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:40,800 So let me find out, you lovely Christmas Apollo people, 458 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:42,880 who are the other single people in apart from me? 459 00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:44,760 Single people, make some noise. 460 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,520 AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER 461 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:48,240 Oh, a few people there. 462 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,640 So, I mean, I'm going to be the ghost of Christmas dating future. 463 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,040 I'm going to make you beautiful women feel so much better 464 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:55,120 about being single. 465 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,400 By the way, do you ever do the drink dialling thing? 466 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,760 Do you ever do that? You're saying no, your mate's going, 467 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:03,480 "She bloody does." Yes, I did it last week, right. 468 00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,880 I sent a text to my ex just to see if he wanted to go for a drink. 469 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,080 That's all it was. 470 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,800 And autocorrect jumped in and changed it to, 471 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,160 "You've got a tiny dick and you've ruined my life." 472 00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:14,320 So... 473 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,880 LAUGHTER 474 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,240 It's weird, isn't it, technology? 475 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:23,280 By the way, I did, for the first time in my life, 476 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,520 I recently dated a fellow ginger and I felt 477 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:28,240 like I was doing something illegal. 478 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:31,320 I did! Especially because he did look a lot like my brother. 479 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:34,920 So... I mean, not once I started sleeping with him, obviously, 480 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,680 he didn't remind me of my brother then. 481 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:38,960 He does it differently. So... 482 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:41,160 LAUGHTER 483 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,680 Because it's Christmas-time, instead of ending with a joke, 484 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:48,920 I'm going to leave you, if I may, with a really uplifting quote. 485 00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,480 Somebody told me this the other day. I'd never heard it before. 486 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,840 I think it's beautiful. It goes like this: 487 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:58,040 The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high 488 00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,320 and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. 489 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:03,760 That's Michelangelo. 490 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,560 And I think, isn't it amazing, that wisdom 491 00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:09,040 from a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? 492 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,360 You've been absolutely delightful, Apollo. Happy Christmas! 493 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:13,960 And goodnight! 494 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,440 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 495 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:28,120 Cally Beaton! 496 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:35,680 Are you ready 497 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:42,520 for a little bit more comedy? 498 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,560 CHEERING 499 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:48,000 Yeah, you bloody are! 500 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:52,080 So whoop and cheer for 501 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:58,400 the amazing Eshaan Akbar! 502 00:30:58,400 --> 00:30:59,480 CHEERING 503 00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:01,200 MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade 504 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,480 # So here it is, Merry Christmas 505 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,120 # Everybody's having fun 506 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,160 # Look to the future now... # 507 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:15,640 Yes! Merry Christmas, Apollo! 508 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:17,040 CHEERING 509 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:18,440 Lovely to be here. 510 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,080 I'm not Romesh. 511 00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,160 LAUGHTER 512 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,600 It is lovely to be here. 513 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,400 But here's the thing, Christmas as well... 514 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:27,640 I love Christmas. 515 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:29,280 Give me a cheer if you love Christmas. 516 00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:30,480 CHEERING Thank you. 517 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:33,160 I love Christmas, too, but I get it, some of you are you looking at me, 518 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:34,920 you're thinking, "Hold on a minute, Eshaan. 519 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,040 "You? 520 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:41,720 "You love Christmas? 521 00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:44,760 "You look a bit too...Muslim for that, mate." 522 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:46,120 It's true. 523 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,960 I am from a Muslim background, but we love Christmas in our household. 524 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,520 Because we're Muslim, though, we do things a bit differently. 525 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:53,640 For a start, we don't call it Christmas, 526 00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:55,080 we call it Jesus Eid. 527 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,480 Instead of having kind of pigs in blankets, 528 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:02,120 we have lamb in shawls. 529 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,440 We used to play pass the parcel. 530 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,240 But then my uncle got taken away by MI5, so we... 531 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:11,080 LAUGHTER 532 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,240 APPLAUSE 533 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:14,760 ..stopped that immediately. 534 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,440 But my family, actually, my family background, we're from two countries 535 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,480 that actually celebrate Christmas a lot. 536 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,800 Combined, there's four million Christians in those countries. 537 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,960 My dad's from Pakistan and my mum is from Bangladesh, 538 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,200 which means I can make a fantastic 539 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:32,760 pair of jeans. 540 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:34,880 LAUGHTER 541 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,560 What else can I tell you to add to this kind of colourful concoction? 542 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,600 Guys, I also happen to be a deaf person. 543 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:45,800 HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK 544 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:50,560 No disability ever gets a woooo! 545 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:53,160 Because I wear a hearing aid, what tends to happen is I go for a job 546 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,880 interview sometimes and I can see an HR manager sitting in a corner 547 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,520 going, tick, tick, tick. 548 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:02,280 "Please be gay. Please be gay. Please be gay." 549 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,360 LAUGHTER 550 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:07,520 And they're not the only ones that do weird things when they find out I'm deaf. 551 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,520 Often people will come up to me, they'll be like, 552 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,560 "Oh, my God, Eshaan, it's so interesting that 553 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:15,880 "you wear a hearing aid because I think I'm actually 554 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:17,920 "a bit deaf, too." 555 00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:21,320 LAUGHTER 556 00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,000 What do I do with this information? 557 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,440 And you can't do this with any other disability, can you? 558 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,520 Like, you can't go up to someone in a wheelchair... 559 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,760 LAUGHTER 560 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,480 Say, "Mate, when I drink too much..." 561 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:37,440 LAUGHTER 562 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,480 "..my legs feel a bit wobbly as well." 563 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,320 It's just a weird thing to say. 564 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:44,520 But here's the thing. 565 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:47,600 I think, as a society, we need to get a bit more honest about the 566 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:48,800 flaws in our thinking, right? 567 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,400 Over the last few years, I feel like too many of us have tried to 568 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:53,520 present ourselves as having perfect thoughts. 569 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:56,320 And I can be honest enough with you, Apollo, to admit to you tonight 570 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,600 that when I see someone with a more visible disability 571 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:02,440 than I've got, I get jealous 572 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,240 at how much clout they've got in the disability game, 573 00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:07,720 cos no-one respects deafness as a disability, do they? 574 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,080 AUDIENCE MEMBER: Pardon? 575 00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:11,760 LAUGHTER 576 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,640 APPLAUSE 577 00:34:14,640 --> 00:34:16,960 Don't applaud him! 578 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:18,880 That was ableist and unnecessarily so. 579 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,160 I get jealous of them because no-one respects deafness as a disability, 580 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:24,360 do they? 581 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,440 I can't legitimately enter the Paralympics, can I? 582 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:31,280 There's blind football, wheelchair basketball. 583 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,080 A deaf race would be a line of men just waiting to start. 584 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:36,680 LAUGHTER 585 00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:40,760 APPLAUSE 586 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:45,880 The thing is, it's not all bad. 587 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,920 Cos look, life is hard and life is complicated. 588 00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,560 And when life throws lemons your way, you've got to try and find 589 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,160 a way to make lemonade. I wasn't born deaf. 590 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,040 I turned deaf in my mid 20s, right. 591 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,840 So the silver lining that I found of my deafness is this - 592 00:34:56,840 --> 00:35:00,720 I get a Disabled Persons Railcard. 593 00:35:00,720 --> 00:35:03,040 AUDIENCE: Ooooooh! 594 00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,520 Gets me a third off rail travel. Absolutely amazing. 595 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,240 And when I got it, again, be honest about the flaws in your thinking. 596 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:11,120 You were like, "Eshaan, you've got a Disabled Persons Railcard, 597 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,920 "you don't like walking so much. 598 00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,920 "Bro, go and get a blue badge." 599 00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:17,360 LAUGHTER 600 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,600 So I walked into the local council office - a bit too ably. 601 00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:22,680 LAUGHTER 602 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,960 The guy looked at me behind the counter and he goes, "Ah, yes, come over." 603 00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,360 I'm like, "Wow, this guy knows exactly why I'm here," right? And he beckons me over. 604 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,600 He sits me down and then he pulls out a form. 605 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,360 And on the form you have to tick the reason why you're giving someone 606 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:36,440 a blue badge, right? 607 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:37,880 He ticks off, 608 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,720 "Weight-related mobility issues". 609 00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:43,360 LAUGHTER 610 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:47,640 The thing is, in the UK, like, I grew up loving trains, right? 611 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:50,120 But there's one thing about the trains other than the fact 612 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,720 that I want them to run on time, that I really need them to change. 613 00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,920 And it's this announcement that goes, "See it, say it, sorted." 614 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:57,200 Have you heard this? 615 00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,200 For those that haven't, "See it, say it, sorted," 616 00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:01,680 is an announcement on trains which basically means if you see 617 00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:05,120 something suspicious, call the British Transport Police. 618 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:07,920 But we all know what they really mean by suspicious. 619 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,200 If you see a brown bloke 620 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:15,560 with a rucksack... 621 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,640 ..give us a fucking call. 622 00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:19,960 LAUGHTER 623 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,600 Now, I've never liked "see it, say it, sorted" 624 00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,440 because, for a start, it just raises fear and suspicion constantly. 625 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:28,280 Second, it doesn't get to the heart of the issue of what they really 626 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,680 want us to do, which is racial profiling. 627 00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,120 And third, and most importantly, 628 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:35,160 see it, say it, sorted 629 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:38,000 doesn't bloody rhyme. 630 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:39,240 LAUGHTER 631 00:36:39,240 --> 00:36:41,480 Now this upset me. I said, "Right, I've got to come up 632 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,920 "with some alternative options to reflect the reality of 633 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,560 "the situation and make it a bit more linguistically appealing." 634 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:49,200 So I've come up with two options to replace "see it, say it, sorted". 635 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:51,480 By way of cheer, you can tell me which one you prefer, OK? 636 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,080 So option number one to replace "see it, say it, sorted". 637 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:58,320 Seen a Muso? If so, let us know. 638 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:00,560 LAUGHTER 639 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,560 Average? OK. 640 00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,440 Option number two. 641 00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,560 Don't be wacky, report a... 642 00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:10,120 LAUGHTER 643 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:11,160 Hey! 644 00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,720 Hey! 645 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:15,920 You little racist pieces of... 646 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,160 Gotcha! 647 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:21,040 LAUGHTER 648 00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:25,240 I'm in my late 30s at the moment and a lot of my friends 649 00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:26,960 are already kind of parents of toddlers. 650 00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:29,520 Do we have any parents of toddlers in at the moment? Give me a cheer. 651 00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:30,840 SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER 652 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:34,080 Yeah, you are the worst human beings on the planet. 653 00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,280 I hate each and every single one of you, right? 654 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:37,920 Cos parents of toddlers nowadays, 655 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:41,000 my God, they feel the need to show that they love their child 656 00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,400 when they're in public. 657 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,600 Like, get on a train, you'll 100% see this. 658 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,240 They'll be like, 659 00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:49,680 "Oscar, we're on a train. 660 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,800 "Did you bring your bag with you today, darling? 661 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,960 "I know, there are lots of people on the train, aren't there? 662 00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,880 "What's that, you want to press the button even though they're waiting? 663 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,360 "Don't worry about them. 664 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:05,080 "Maybe I'll read you a story first, Oscar. 665 00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:06,360 "I love you, Oscar. 666 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,000 "I love you, Oscar. 667 00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,640 "I really love you, Oscar." 668 00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:16,520 Fuck off! 669 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,320 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 670 00:38:24,240 --> 00:38:28,880 I understand and assume that you love your child. 671 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:30,920 I don't need to see this performance parenting. 672 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,440 Now, I don't have any children. I've got a little nephew. 673 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:36,160 When I get my nephew along, I think to myself, I don't want to miss out 674 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,040 on the opportunity to be a complete dick in public. 675 00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:40,560 LAUGHTER 676 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:43,760 So I get my nephew, I sit him down, I say, 677 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:45,160 EXAGGERATED ACCENT: "Hello, Ali. 678 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:48,600 "We are on a train. 679 00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:52,880 "Did you bring your rucksack with you today? 680 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:56,120 LAUGHTER 681 00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:03,120 "I know, there are lots of people on the train. 682 00:39:03,120 --> 00:39:05,240 "What's that, you want to press the button, do you?" 683 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,560 All the parents shut the hell up. 684 00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:12,960 And there's a woman in the corner going, "See it, say it, sorted." 685 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:17,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 686 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:26,160 And I know some of you are sitting there thinking, "Hold on, Eshaan, 687 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:29,200 "it's a Christmas show. You can't start talking about terrorism." 688 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:30,600 It is funny, though. 689 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,400 LAUGHTER 690 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,600 One of my favourite things about Christmas, right, 691 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:37,000 are the Christmas adverts. I absolutely love them. 692 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,400 When I know they're about to come on, I go to the living room 693 00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,600 with a pack of tissues to cry. 694 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:43,640 Pack of tissues, enjoy the Christmas adverts. 695 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:46,080 But a couple of years ago, right, Sainsbury's did an ad 696 00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:47,520 that caused a major issue. 697 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,560 They showed a black family enjoying Christmas. 698 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:52,400 The horror! 699 00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:56,040 They showed this beautiful, strong black dad making a lovely Christmas 700 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:57,680 dinner for his beautiful family. 701 00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,320 And he's stirring some gravy. 702 00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:02,080 Gravy, fuck off. Jerk sauce. We know what's happening here. 703 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:03,200 LAUGHTER 704 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:04,560 And all these people are like, 705 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,640 "Right, Sainsbury's, it is political correctness gone too far, mate. 706 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,120 "This is some woke bollocks. I've had enough of this bullshit. 707 00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,920 "I'm going Tesco, I'm going Morrisons. Piss off, Sainsbury's!" 708 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:14,360 LAUGHTER 709 00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,720 And all these lovely liberal people on Twitter, 710 00:40:17,720 --> 00:40:21,040 they were like, "Oh, you dirty, disgusting gammons. 711 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,560 "I can't wait to shop at Sainsbury's this year. 712 00:40:25,560 --> 00:40:28,320 "In fact, I think I might have a Caribbean Christmas. 713 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,640 LAUGHTER 714 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,040 "There'll be steel drums, and everything." Ooh! 715 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:35,680 And they were conducting themselves with this air of superiority, 716 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,600 like somehow they're better than the people boycotting Sainsbury's. 717 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:41,480 I'm like, hold on a minute, hold on. You're not better than them. 718 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:45,240 We all do it. We all boycott stuff we don't see ourselves in. 719 00:40:45,240 --> 00:40:49,360 Every single person in this room at one point or another has boycotted 720 00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,680 something they don't see themselves in. 721 00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:55,320 It's the same reason I've boycotted porn. 722 00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,840 LAUGHTER 723 00:40:58,840 --> 00:41:01,680 There are no Asians in mainstream porn. 724 00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:04,360 Why? There's billions of us. We're shagging. 725 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:09,160 And by the way, when I say Asian, I mean curry Asian, not noodle. 726 00:41:09,160 --> 00:41:12,200 LAUGHTER 727 00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:16,280 And you hate yourself for getting it, don't you? 728 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:17,600 I was thinking to myself, 729 00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:20,560 why are there no Asians in mainstream porn? 730 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,000 It really, really made me sad. 731 00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,840 And I thought about it and I thought about it. 732 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,240 And I realised, it's because Asian porn, 733 00:41:27,240 --> 00:41:30,520 the storylines would be so shit. 734 00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:34,280 Imagine a classic patient-doctor porn scene. 735 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:36,400 Patient comes in, she's like, 736 00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:39,040 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, Doctor, 737 00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:41,360 "I've got such a headache, big boy. 738 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,960 "How are you going to get this one out of me?" 739 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:48,200 And he's like, 740 00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:52,200 INDIAN ACCENT: "Well, you take two paracetamol four times a day, you'll be fine." 741 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 742 00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:00,800 And she's like, 743 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:04,840 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, my hand is stuck in the photocopier. 744 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,840 "How are you going to get me out of this one, big boy?" 745 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:11,040 And he's like, 746 00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:14,360 INDIAN ACCENT: "Er, turn it off and then on again. I don't..." 747 00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,120 LAUGHTER 748 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:18,040 Or she gets in the back of a taxi... 749 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:25,160 Gets in the back of a taxi, notices the cab driver, and she's like, 750 00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:27,200 AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God. 751 00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,800 "You're such a hot, sexy cab driver. Mm. 752 00:42:30,720 --> 00:42:32,280 "You want to park the car somewhere, 753 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,920 "come to the back and do naughty, naughty things to me, big boy?" 754 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,600 And he's like, 755 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,760 INDIAN ACCENT: "Will you give me five stars?" 756 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 757 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:51,520 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Eshaan Akbar. 758 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:53,880 Merry Christmas. I'll see you soon! 759 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:58,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 760 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:06,160 Eshaan Akbar. 761 00:43:06,160 --> 00:43:09,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 762 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:15,720 Have you all had a lovely time? 763 00:43:15,720 --> 00:43:19,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 764 00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:30,760 Please, give it up one more time for Cally Beaton... 765 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:35,360 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 766 00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:41,520 ..and Eshaan Akbar! 767 00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:45,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 768 00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:48,320 I've been Rosie. 769 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:50,200 Bye-bye!