1
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,140
It's alive!
2
00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,520
Have you been injured while
touring a chocolate factory?
3
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:42,690
I'll get you the snozberries
you deserve.
4
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,100
♪ Larry Loompa...
He'll fight for you ♪
5
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,530
I was turned into
a [bleep] giant blueberry,
6
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,130
and now I need to be juiced
twice a day, or I'll explode.
7
00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:53,370
Larry Loompa got me $3 million.
8
00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:55,410
Don't get dopity screwed.
9
00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:57,010
I was pulled
through a taffy stretcher,
10
00:00:57,010 --> 00:00:59,110
but thanks to Larry,
I'm rich as shit.
11
00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:01,910
Also, my penis
is 37 inches long.
12
00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:03,310
Can someone turn that fan off?
13
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,120
I was shot through
a pneumatic chocolate tube.
14
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,290
The pressure blew out mine anus,
15
00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:12,860
and I had to have a second anus
constructed from a goat's anus,
16
00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:16,230
but Mr. Loompa
got me $17 million
17
00:01:16,230 --> 00:01:18,830
for mine anus surgery.
Anus.
18
00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:24,800
Have you been turned into fruit,
stretched like taffy,
19
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,300
nearly drowned
in a chocolate river,
20
00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,440
terrorized by fake Slugworth,
dropped into a bad egg furnace,
21
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,740
got hepatitis
from lickable wallpaper,
22
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,410
or are a goat who had
your anus forcibly removed,
23
00:01:30,410 --> 00:01:32,910
then call the offices
of Larry H. Loompa today.
24
00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:35,550
♪ Larry Loompa...
He'll fight for you ♪
25
00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:39,350
Anus.
26
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:42,650
Harold couldn't sleep,
so he took his purple crayon
27
00:01:42,650 --> 00:01:46,220
and drew a world
of his own imagination.
28
00:01:46,230 --> 00:01:47,860
Harold, what did I tell you
about drawing
29
00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:48,960
on the Goddamn walls?
30
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,590
You know what else is purple?
31
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,700
Bruises!
Draw me some whiskey.
32
00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,630
Aw, God, that is
just what I needed.
33
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,870
Harold had dreamed
of this moment a thousand times.
34
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,540
Harold then drew himself
a new father.
35
00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,510
This dad never yelled
36
00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:10,610
and had a three-year chip
from AA.
37
00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,350
He was also good
at lifting things.
38
00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:16,890
Harold and his new father
sailed away
39
00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:18,860
to a bright new tomorrow.
40
00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:21,490
Harold's mother filed
a missing-person report,
41
00:02:21,490 --> 00:02:24,030
but she never saw her son again.
42
00:02:24,030 --> 00:02:26,860
She hanged herself a year later.
43
00:02:26,870 --> 00:02:29,330
The rope was purple.
44
00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:31,640
Tricia? All right!
From Bumble?
45
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,670
That's me. I've never dated
a Treasure Troll before.
46
00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:37,810
Well, strap in, baby, 'cause we
are first class all the way.
47
00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:39,710
All right!
To first dates.
48
00:02:39,710 --> 00:02:42,050
Delicious.
49
00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:44,610
So, you're from Copenhagen?
50
00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:49,350
What is it?
51
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,920
Huh? Aah!
52
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:53,520
Huh?
53
00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:56,690
No! Not all right!
54
00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,600
No!
55
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,860
No!
56
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:04,470
♪ And I love you, cha cha cha ♪
57
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,510
Ahh, another successful day
at Chuck E. Cheese, huh?
58
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,980
Ugh, we get it!
You own the place.
59
00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:15,480
Hey, Pasquale, did you see
that kid puke up his pepperoni?
60
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,380
Pasquale?
61
00:03:20,390 --> 00:03:21,890
Pasquale!
62
00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,860
I noticed him glitching, but
I thought he was pranking us.
63
00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,120
He is the funny one.
64
00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:27,520
We gotta help him!
65
00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:29,660
Pasquale!
66
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:31,800
Pasquale!
67
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,730
Well, we've done
everything we can.
68
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,640
Everybody, run!
69
00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:43,040
Aah!
Aah!
70
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,850
And one, two, three!
71
00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:51,180
Ladies and gentlemen,
the magic bullet!
72
00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:55,090
Oh, my God, JFK's been shot!
73
00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:02,290
Oh, bother.
All out of honey.
74
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,730
Well, plenty more
where that came from.
75
00:04:04,730 --> 00:04:06,400
What luck!
76
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,330
Why, there's nothing
but dead bees in here.
77
00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:14,200
Bees are dying everywhere, Pooh.
78
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:18,810
It's an epidemic, most likely
caused by pesticides.
79
00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:21,040
Without honey,
whatever shall I do?
80
00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:22,950
Pooh, you're a bear.
81
00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:25,080
You can eat anything.
82
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,080
Pooh, hello!
What shall we play to...
83
00:04:27,090 --> 00:04:28,490
Aah!
84
00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:31,120
Ohh, this tastes
surprisingly delicious.
85
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,560
Jesus!
I meant pine cones, Pooh.
86
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,830
And now back to "Queer Eye."
87
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,470
I mean, I have no notes.
88
00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:50,740
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
89
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:52,880
I love cars, coffee, and comedy,
90
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,650
and this is "Comedians
in Cars Getting Coffee."
91
00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:58,620
The 1973 Dodge Challenger
in Plum Crazy Purple
92
00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:00,380
is perfect for today's guest,
93
00:05:00,390 --> 00:05:03,020
Gotham's favorite funnyman,
the Joker!
94
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:05,960
I just want to thank you
for not picking me up
95
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,990
in a clown car, Jerry.
96
00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:10,190
Who do you take me for,
Carrot Top?
97
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,200
Scotty would
definitely pull that shit.
98
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,600
He still slaying in Vegas?
Sure.
99
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,340
You ever bomb in Vegas?
100
00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:21,610
The last time I bombed in Vegas,
there was a body count.
101
00:05:21,610 --> 00:05:24,210
That's why they don't let me
into the Luxor anymore,
102
00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:27,110
because there's no Luxor anymore
103
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:28,950
because I bombed it.
104
00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:32,580
I lost a friend
in that explosion.
105
00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,180
Was it Newman?
106
00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:35,920
No.
107
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,120
I guess I'm bombing again.
108
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,120
A prop?
Now who's Carrot Top?
109
00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:41,790
No, it's a real bomb.
110
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,570
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪
111
00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:50,970
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪
112
00:05:50,970 --> 00:05:53,270
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪
113
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,210
♪ And that's how you make
a human centipede ♪
114
00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:56,440
Everybody!
115
00:06:01,150 --> 00:06:03,610
♪ My mouth's not connected
to an asshole ♪
116
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:06,380
♪ So Merry Christmas
to me ♪
117
00:06:06,390 --> 00:06:09,150
Space... the final frontier.
118
00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:12,320
These are the voyages of the
Pin Mate Starship Enterprise.
119
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,990
Sir, we're caught
120
00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:15,990
in the Pin Mate's Klingon
Cruiser's tractor beam.
121
00:06:15,990 --> 00:06:18,360
Reverse starboard thrusters,
Pin Mates Mr. Sulu.
122
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,460
Aye-aye, Pin Mates Captain Kirk.
123
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:23,600
Aah!
124
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,740
Pin Mates Captain, that is
an illogical choice.
125
00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:27,640
Your Pin Mates Vulcan logic
won't save us,
126
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,840
Pin Mates Mr. Spock.
127
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,270
The Pin Mates Klingon cannons
are powering up, sir.
128
00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:33,640
Aah!
129
00:06:33,650 --> 00:06:35,480
Whoa!
Ooh!
130
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,320
Whoa!
131
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,150
Ohh!
Aah!
132
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,320
Ooh!
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
133
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,550
Whoa!
134
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,960
Oh!
135
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,390
Whoa!
136
00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:49,190
Ooh-hoo!
137
00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:51,030
Oh!
138
00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:55,330
Don't worry, ugly duckling.
One day, you'll be...
139
00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:57,630
Actually, I find
the whole "ugly" narrative
140
00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,900
to be hetero-normative
and damaging,
141
00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:03,010
and there are a number of niche
Internet sex communities
142
00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:06,510
that would love
to have all... of... this.
143
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:09,480
I was gonna say, one day,
you'll be a beautiful swan.
144
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,980
Oh, thank God! I thought
I'd have to learn a skill.
145
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,620
I don't know what your problem
is, Of-Ken.
146
00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:16,790
You should have gotten pregnant
by now.
147
00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:18,190
Um, Commander Ken...
148
00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:20,020
Don't say a word.
149
00:07:20,030 --> 00:07:23,260
Hey, Rocky.
I've got a friend request.
150
00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:26,600
Hello, Moose. It is us,
old American friends
151
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,030
from your youth,
Bingo and Muffy.
152
00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,100
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
153
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,700
Oh, boy.
Old friends.
154
00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:34,910
There's something suspicious
about that account, Bullwinkle.
155
00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:37,970
Speaking of old American things,
156
00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:40,710
don't you miss good old days
when flying squirrels
157
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,580
weren't taking
hardworking moose jobs?
158
00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:47,450
Hmm, I do generally remember
things being better in the past.
159
00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:49,550
Don't you want to make... ooh...
160
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,460
I mean, America great again?
161
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:54,120
Those new Facebook friends
are spreading
162
00:07:54,130 --> 00:07:56,830
pretty incendiary comments,
Bullwinkle.
163
00:07:56,830 --> 00:07:58,900
Shut your cockhole, snowflake!
164
00:08:00,470 --> 00:08:03,100
Hello, Broseph.
165
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:06,470
Squirrel Lives Matter
march against ignorant mooses
166
00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:07,940
set for tomorrow.
167
00:08:07,940 --> 00:08:10,070
Come join! Oh, boy.
168
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,310
Oh, boy, I will!
169
00:08:11,310 --> 00:08:12,440
Hey, Rocky!
170
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,550
Watch me pull a squirrel
out of his own ass.
171
00:08:15,550 --> 00:08:17,710
I'll [bleep] kill you!
Bullwinkle!
172
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,990
Ariana, some say
that the ponytail
173
00:08:22,990 --> 00:08:24,820
has started
to influence your life.
174
00:08:24,820 --> 00:08:27,120
That's just a silly rumor.
175
00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:30,460
Are you blinking an SOS
in Morse code right now?
176
00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:32,000
And are you now blinking,
177
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,330
"Stop talking about Morse code,
or the ponytail will kill me"?
178
00:08:35,330 --> 00:08:37,070
Aah!
179
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:44,410
And that's the word
on Ariana's new album.
180
00:08:44,410 --> 00:08:46,410
Come on, kids!
181
00:08:46,410 --> 00:08:49,210
That rave's
not gonna rave itself.
182
00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:52,180
You're not our regular
party bus driver/drug dealer.
183
00:08:52,180 --> 00:08:55,890
Nope, he took some bad molly
and chewed off his hand.
184
00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:58,060
I'm Miss Frizzle.
185
00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:00,360
I'm a substitute driver
these days.
186
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,130
I used to be a teacher.
What happened?
187
00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:06,060
Let's just say, if you shrink
down a bunch of 9-year-olds
188
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,960
and lose them
in a cow's second stomach,
189
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:11,230
they will absolutely
get turned into manure.
190
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,040
Ohh.
Oh.
191
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:18,810
But I still know how to drive
a flying bus, so here we go!
192
00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:24,920
Hot air balloon...
We must be in wine country.
193
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,450
Let's go grab a frosé.
194
00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:29,250
No, thank you!
195
00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:32,660
The bus is out of control!
196
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,090
Ah-ha!
197
00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,990
What are we supposed to
do with these?
198
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:37,860
Take chances.
Make mistakes.
199
00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:40,160
What's that island?
200
00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:41,830
Jump!
Aah!
201
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,630
Whoa!
Aah!
202
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,100
Quick, children,
look for supplies.
203
00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:47,340
Why should we trust you?
204
00:09:47,340 --> 00:09:49,710
Listen here, you little sardine.
205
00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:52,180
Before I was a school
bus driver...
206
00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:54,980
Yeah, you turned a bunch of kids
into cow turds. We know.
207
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:59,320
And I drove a tour bus
for Aerosmith in 1976.
208
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,820
That was some heavy shit, man.
209
00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:03,490
You wanna talk about herpes...
210
00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,220
No, thanks!
I'll shrink you down
211
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,120
and show you herpes
like you've never...
212
00:10:07,130 --> 00:10:08,230
Aah!
213
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:09,860
Thank you!
214
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,830
Take my job, will ya?
215
00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,130
It's our old bus driver,
two-handed Harry.
216
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,330
Not anymore.
217
00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:17,600
Let's celebrate!