1 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,140 It's alive! 2 00:00:37,060 --> 00:00:39,520 Have you been injured while touring a chocolate factory? 3 00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:42,690 I'll get you the snozberries you deserve. 4 00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,100 ♪ Larry Loompa... He'll fight for you ♪ 5 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,530 I was turned into a [bleep] giant blueberry, 6 00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,130 and now I need to be juiced twice a day, or I'll explode. 7 00:00:50,140 --> 00:00:53,370 Larry Loompa got me $3 million. 8 00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:55,410 Don't get dopity screwed. 9 00:00:55,410 --> 00:00:57,010 I was pulled through a taffy stretcher, 10 00:00:57,010 --> 00:00:59,110 but thanks to Larry, I'm rich as shit. 11 00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:01,910 Also, my penis is 37 inches long. 12 00:01:01,910 --> 00:01:03,310 Can someone turn that fan off? 13 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,120 I was shot through a pneumatic chocolate tube. 14 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,290 The pressure blew out mine anus, 15 00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:12,860 and I had to have a second anus constructed from a goat's anus, 16 00:01:12,860 --> 00:01:16,230 but Mr. Loompa got me $17 million 17 00:01:16,230 --> 00:01:18,830 for mine anus surgery. Anus. 18 00:01:23,540 --> 00:01:24,800 Have you been turned into fruit, stretched like taffy, 19 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,300 nearly drowned in a chocolate river, 20 00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,440 terrorized by fake Slugworth, dropped into a bad egg furnace, 21 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,740 got hepatitis from lickable wallpaper, 22 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,410 or are a goat who had your anus forcibly removed, 23 00:01:30,410 --> 00:01:32,910 then call the offices of Larry H. Loompa today. 24 00:01:32,910 --> 00:01:35,550 ♪ Larry Loompa... He'll fight for you ♪ 25 00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:39,350 Anus. 26 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:42,650 Harold couldn't sleep, so he took his purple crayon 27 00:01:42,650 --> 00:01:46,220 and drew a world of his own imagination. 28 00:01:46,230 --> 00:01:47,860 Harold, what did I tell you about drawing 29 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:48,960 on the Goddamn walls? 30 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,590 You know what else is purple? 31 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,700 Bruises! Draw me some whiskey. 32 00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,630 Aw, God, that is just what I needed. 33 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,870 Harold had dreamed of this moment a thousand times. 34 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,540 Harold then drew himself a new father. 35 00:02:05,540 --> 00:02:07,510 This dad never yelled 36 00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:10,610 and had a three-year chip from AA. 37 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,350 He was also good at lifting things. 38 00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:16,890 Harold and his new father sailed away 39 00:02:16,890 --> 00:02:18,860 to a bright new tomorrow. 40 00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:21,490 Harold's mother filed a missing-person report, 41 00:02:21,490 --> 00:02:24,030 but she never saw her son again. 42 00:02:24,030 --> 00:02:26,860 She hanged herself a year later. 43 00:02:26,870 --> 00:02:29,330 The rope was purple. 44 00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:31,640 Tricia? All right! From Bumble? 45 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,670 That's me. I've never dated a Treasure Troll before. 46 00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:37,810 Well, strap in, baby, 'cause we are first class all the way. 47 00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:39,710 All right! To first dates. 48 00:02:39,710 --> 00:02:42,050 Delicious. 49 00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:44,610 So, you're from Copenhagen? 50 00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:49,350 What is it? 51 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,920 Huh? Aah! 52 00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:53,520 Huh? 53 00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:56,690 No! Not all right! 54 00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,600 No! 55 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,860 No! 56 00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:04,470 ♪ And I love you, cha cha cha ♪ 57 00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,510 Ahh, another successful day at Chuck E. Cheese, huh? 58 00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,980 Ugh, we get it! You own the place. 59 00:03:11,980 --> 00:03:15,480 Hey, Pasquale, did you see that kid puke up his pepperoni? 60 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,380 Pasquale? 61 00:03:20,390 --> 00:03:21,890 Pasquale! 62 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:24,860 I noticed him glitching, but I thought he was pranking us. 63 00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,120 He is the funny one. 64 00:03:26,130 --> 00:03:27,520 We gotta help him! 65 00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:29,660 Pasquale! 66 00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:31,800 Pasquale! 67 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,730 Well, we've done everything we can. 68 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,640 Everybody, run! 69 00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:43,040 Aah! Aah! 70 00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,850 And one, two, three! 71 00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:51,180 Ladies and gentlemen, the magic bullet! 72 00:03:52,850 --> 00:03:55,090 Oh, my God, JFK's been shot! 73 00:04:00,190 --> 00:04:02,290 Oh, bother. All out of honey. 74 00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,730 Well, plenty more where that came from. 75 00:04:04,730 --> 00:04:06,400 What luck! 76 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,330 Why, there's nothing but dead bees in here. 77 00:04:11,340 --> 00:04:14,200 Bees are dying everywhere, Pooh. 78 00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:18,810 It's an epidemic, most likely caused by pesticides. 79 00:04:18,810 --> 00:04:21,040 Without honey, whatever shall I do? 80 00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:22,950 Pooh, you're a bear. 81 00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:25,080 You can eat anything. 82 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:27,080 Pooh, hello! What shall we play to... 83 00:04:27,090 --> 00:04:28,490 Aah! 84 00:04:28,490 --> 00:04:31,120 Ohh, this tastes surprisingly delicious. 85 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:34,560 Jesus! I meant pine cones, Pooh. 86 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,830 And now back to "Queer Eye." 87 00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,470 I mean, I have no notes. 88 00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:50,740 I'm Jerry Seinfeld. 89 00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:52,880 I love cars, coffee, and comedy, 90 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,650 and this is "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." 91 00:04:55,650 --> 00:04:58,620 The 1973 Dodge Challenger in Plum Crazy Purple 92 00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:00,380 is perfect for today's guest, 93 00:05:00,390 --> 00:05:03,020 Gotham's favorite funnyman, the Joker! 94 00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:05,960 I just want to thank you for not picking me up 95 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,990 in a clown car, Jerry. 96 00:05:07,990 --> 00:05:10,190 Who do you take me for, Carrot Top? 97 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,200 Scotty would definitely pull that shit. 98 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:16,600 He still slaying in Vegas? Sure. 99 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,340 You ever bomb in Vegas? 100 00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:21,610 The last time I bombed in Vegas, there was a body count. 101 00:05:21,610 --> 00:05:24,210 That's why they don't let me into the Luxor anymore, 102 00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:27,110 because there's no Luxor anymore 103 00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:28,950 because I bombed it. 104 00:05:30,420 --> 00:05:32,580 I lost a friend in that explosion. 105 00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,180 Was it Newman? 106 00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:35,920 No. 107 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,120 I guess I'm bombing again. 108 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,120 A prop? Now who's Carrot Top? 109 00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:41,790 No, it's a real bomb. 110 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,570 ♪ The lips are connected to the asshole ♪ 111 00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:50,970 ♪ The lips are connected to the asshole ♪ 112 00:05:50,970 --> 00:05:53,270 ♪ The lips are connected to the asshole ♪ 113 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,210 ♪ And that's how you make a human centipede ♪ 114 00:05:55,210 --> 00:05:56,440 Everybody! 115 00:06:01,150 --> 00:06:03,610 ♪ My mouth's not connected to an asshole ♪ 116 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:06,380 ♪ So Merry Christmas to me ♪ 117 00:06:06,390 --> 00:06:09,150 Space... the final frontier. 118 00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:12,320 These are the voyages of the Pin Mate Starship Enterprise. 119 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,990 Sir, we're caught 120 00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:15,990 in the Pin Mate's Klingon Cruiser's tractor beam. 121 00:06:15,990 --> 00:06:18,360 Reverse starboard thrusters, Pin Mates Mr. Sulu. 122 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,460 Aye-aye, Pin Mates Captain Kirk. 123 00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:23,600 Aah! 124 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,740 Pin Mates Captain, that is an illogical choice. 125 00:06:25,740 --> 00:06:27,640 Your Pin Mates Vulcan logic won't save us, 126 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,840 Pin Mates Mr. Spock. 127 00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,270 The Pin Mates Klingon cannons are powering up, sir. 128 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:33,640 Aah! 129 00:06:33,650 --> 00:06:35,480 Whoa! Ooh! 130 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,320 Whoa! 131 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,150 Ohh! Aah! 132 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,320 Ooh! Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! 133 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,550 Whoa! 134 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,960 Oh! 135 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,390 Whoa! 136 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:49,190 Ooh-hoo! 137 00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:51,030 Oh! 138 00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:55,330 Don't worry, ugly duckling. One day, you'll be... 139 00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:57,630 Actually, I find the whole "ugly" narrative 140 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,900 to be hetero-normative and damaging, 141 00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:03,010 and there are a number of niche Internet sex communities 142 00:07:03,010 --> 00:07:06,510 that would love to have all... of... this. 143 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:09,480 I was gonna say, one day, you'll be a beautiful swan. 144 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,980 Oh, thank God! I thought I'd have to learn a skill. 145 00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,620 I don't know what your problem is, Of-Ken. 146 00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:16,790 You should have gotten pregnant by now. 147 00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:18,190 Um, Commander Ken... 148 00:07:18,190 --> 00:07:20,020 Don't say a word. 149 00:07:20,030 --> 00:07:23,260 Hey, Rocky. I've got a friend request. 150 00:07:23,260 --> 00:07:26,600 Hello, Moose. It is us, old American friends 151 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,030 from your youth, Bingo and Muffy. 152 00:07:29,030 --> 00:07:30,100 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 153 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:31,700 Oh, boy. Old friends. 154 00:07:31,700 --> 00:07:34,910 There's something suspicious about that account, Bullwinkle. 155 00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:37,970 Speaking of old American things, 156 00:07:37,980 --> 00:07:40,710 don't you miss good old days when flying squirrels 157 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,580 weren't taking hardworking moose jobs? 158 00:07:43,580 --> 00:07:47,450 Hmm, I do generally remember things being better in the past. 159 00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:49,550 Don't you want to make... ooh... 160 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:52,460 I mean, America great again? 161 00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:54,120 Those new Facebook friends are spreading 162 00:07:54,130 --> 00:07:56,830 pretty incendiary comments, Bullwinkle. 163 00:07:56,830 --> 00:07:58,900 Shut your cockhole, snowflake! 164 00:08:00,470 --> 00:08:03,100 Hello, Broseph. 165 00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:06,470 Squirrel Lives Matter march against ignorant mooses 166 00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:07,940 set for tomorrow. 167 00:08:07,940 --> 00:08:10,070 Come join! Oh, boy. 168 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,310 Oh, boy, I will! 169 00:08:11,310 --> 00:08:12,440 Hey, Rocky! 170 00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:15,550 Watch me pull a squirrel out of his own ass. 171 00:08:15,550 --> 00:08:17,710 I'll [bleep] kill you! Bullwinkle! 172 00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,990 Ariana, some say that the ponytail 173 00:08:22,990 --> 00:08:24,820 has started to influence your life. 174 00:08:24,820 --> 00:08:27,120 That's just a silly rumor. 175 00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:30,460 Are you blinking an SOS in Morse code right now? 176 00:08:30,460 --> 00:08:32,000 And are you now blinking, 177 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:35,330 "Stop talking about Morse code, or the ponytail will kill me"? 178 00:08:35,330 --> 00:08:37,070 Aah! 179 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:44,410 And that's the word on Ariana's new album. 180 00:08:44,410 --> 00:08:46,410 Come on, kids! 181 00:08:46,410 --> 00:08:49,210 That rave's not gonna rave itself. 182 00:08:49,210 --> 00:08:52,180 You're not our regular party bus driver/drug dealer. 183 00:08:52,180 --> 00:08:55,890 Nope, he took some bad molly and chewed off his hand. 184 00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:58,060 I'm Miss Frizzle. 185 00:08:58,060 --> 00:09:00,360 I'm a substitute driver these days. 186 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,130 I used to be a teacher. What happened? 187 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:06,060 Let's just say, if you shrink down a bunch of 9-year-olds 188 00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,960 and lose them in a cow's second stomach, 189 00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:11,230 they will absolutely get turned into manure. 190 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,040 Ohh. Oh. 191 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:18,810 But I still know how to drive a flying bus, so here we go! 192 00:09:21,810 --> 00:09:24,920 Hot air balloon... We must be in wine country. 193 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,450 Let's go grab a frosé. 194 00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:29,250 No, thank you! 195 00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:32,660 The bus is out of control! 196 00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,090 Ah-ha! 197 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,990 What are we supposed to do with these? 198 00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:37,860 Take chances. Make mistakes. 199 00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:40,160 What's that island? 200 00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:41,830 Jump! Aah! 201 00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,630 Whoa! Aah! 202 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:46,100 Quick, children, look for supplies. 203 00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:47,340 Why should we trust you? 204 00:09:47,340 --> 00:09:49,710 Listen here, you little sardine. 205 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:52,180 Before I was a school bus driver... 206 00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:54,980 Yeah, you turned a bunch of kids into cow turds. We know. 207 00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:59,320 And I drove a tour bus for Aerosmith in 1976. 208 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,820 That was some heavy shit, man. 209 00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:03,490 You wanna talk about herpes... 210 00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,220 No, thanks! I'll shrink you down 211 00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,120 and show you herpes like you've never... 212 00:10:07,130 --> 00:10:08,230 Aah! 213 00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:09,860 Thank you! 214 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,830 Take my job, will ya? 215 00:10:11,830 --> 00:10:14,130 It's our old bus driver, two-handed Harry. 216 00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,330 Not anymore. 217 00:10:15,330 --> 00:10:17,600 Let's celebrate!