1 00:00:10,079 --> 00:00:12,598 Hi! Welcome to the "Robot Chicken" holiday -- 2 00:00:12,633 --> 00:00:14,704 Aah! 3 00:00:21,297 --> 00:00:23,264 Porter: Thank you for traveling the North Pole Express, 4 00:00:23,299 --> 00:00:25,922 famous for its very low rate of passenger murders. 5 00:00:25,956 --> 00:00:28,373 You'll never be murdered on the North Pole Express. 6 00:00:28,407 --> 00:00:29,926 Don't forget to tip your porter. 7 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,203 I almost missed this train. 8 00:00:31,238 --> 00:00:33,240 I got on the Polar Express by mistake. 9 00:00:33,274 --> 00:00:34,896 They're different trains, you see. 10 00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:38,417 I shall sit over there now. 11 00:00:38,452 --> 00:00:39,901 So when we're on the crapper, 12 00:00:39,936 --> 00:00:41,593 you think it drops out on to the tracks? 13 00:00:41,627 --> 00:00:44,423 I shall sit over there now. 14 00:00:48,117 --> 00:00:49,670 So you see, it's a different train. 15 00:00:49,704 --> 00:00:51,154 Help! 16 00:00:51,189 --> 00:00:52,535 What's that? Geez! 17 00:00:52,569 --> 00:00:55,296 Santa's dead! 18 00:00:55,331 --> 00:00:57,298 Oh, what a shame, suicide. 19 00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:58,230 Are you crazy? 20 00:00:58,265 --> 00:01:00,094 He was murdered. Oh, no. 21 00:01:00,129 --> 00:01:01,958 There goes our zero murder rate. 22 00:01:01,992 --> 00:01:02,924 Jesus! 23 00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:04,823 Ask and you shall receive. 24 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:06,273 Holy shit! 25 00:01:06,307 --> 00:01:08,413 There's a killer on board. We need to get off this train. 26 00:01:08,447 --> 00:01:10,794 Nobody gets off this train until the villain is caught. 27 00:01:10,829 --> 00:01:12,279 Jesus, can you help us? 28 00:01:12,313 --> 00:01:17,111 I can, and I will, and I'll even do it without my magic. 29 00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:18,388 It would be faster with your magic. 30 00:01:18,423 --> 00:01:20,735 Dad, take away my magic. 31 00:01:22,047 --> 00:01:23,635 Now, let's solve this case. 32 00:01:23,669 --> 00:01:24,636 ♪ Do, do, do 33 00:01:24,670 --> 00:01:26,672 ♪ Inspector Jesus on the case ♪ 34 00:01:26,707 --> 00:01:27,673 Let's see. 35 00:01:27,708 --> 00:01:29,399 Are you a butler? Did you do it? 36 00:01:29,434 --> 00:01:31,298 You don't get be porter of the year 37 00:01:31,332 --> 00:01:33,955 three years running by killing passengers 38 00:01:33,990 --> 00:01:35,716 unless you kill them with good service. 39 00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:36,924 Wink. 40 00:01:36,958 --> 00:01:38,201 Are you done?Yes, sir, I am. 41 00:01:38,236 --> 00:01:39,754 Good because you're an inconsequential 42 00:01:39,789 --> 00:01:41,135 character anyway. Everybody out! 43 00:01:41,170 --> 00:01:43,689 You are contaminating my crime scene. 44 00:01:47,935 --> 00:01:50,248 Is this one of those dinner murder mystery things? 45 00:01:50,282 --> 00:01:51,456 Can I be the sexy maid? 46 00:01:51,490 --> 00:01:53,147 How about you just be the suspect? 47 00:01:53,182 --> 00:01:54,424 What time did you board the train? 48 00:01:54,459 --> 00:01:56,288 Well, I got on two trains. 49 00:01:56,323 --> 00:01:58,118 Which one did you mean? 50 00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,567 Are those whipping scars? 51 00:01:59,602 --> 00:02:03,226 Santa whipped you to deliver presents faster, didn't he? 52 00:02:03,261 --> 00:02:04,607 That's a motive. 53 00:02:04,641 --> 00:02:06,195 No, no, no, we all enjoyed the whipping. 54 00:02:06,229 --> 00:02:07,265 Hmm. 55 00:02:07,299 --> 00:02:08,576 Do you want to know about the drugs? 56 00:02:08,611 --> 00:02:10,682 I was just about to ask you that. 57 00:02:10,716 --> 00:02:12,718 Oh, Santa has been doping us for years. 58 00:02:12,753 --> 00:02:14,444 You see, he wants us bigger and stronger 59 00:02:14,479 --> 00:02:16,032 'cause there's more and more people in the world 60 00:02:16,066 --> 00:02:18,724 which means more presents and a heavier sleigh. 61 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:20,623 You know, I think I'm okay today if you don't want to -- 62 00:02:21,348 --> 00:02:23,729 Oh, yeah, baby. 63 00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:25,386 You've never seen what that juice can do. 64 00:02:25,421 --> 00:02:27,077 That's how we lost Prancer. 65 00:02:27,112 --> 00:02:28,286 Aah! 66 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,321 Yep. 67 00:02:29,356 --> 00:02:31,116 That's a reason to kill Santa for sure. 68 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,119 Steroids cost a fortune, lots of money moving around, 69 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,985 and in any crime, you follow the money. 70 00:02:38,019 --> 00:02:39,642 Oh, that's right. 71 00:02:39,676 --> 00:02:41,299 Blame the nutcracker Jew. 72 00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:42,645 There's a Jew? Can I meet him? 73 00:02:42,679 --> 00:02:43,887 I wouldn't kill Santa. 74 00:02:43,922 --> 00:02:45,544 He saved my life. 75 00:02:45,579 --> 00:02:47,097 Nutcrackers were the Cabbage Patch Kids 76 00:02:47,132 --> 00:02:48,547 of our time, but after Woolly Willy 77 00:02:48,582 --> 00:02:49,686 came out, it was all over. 78 00:02:49,721 --> 00:02:51,205 Woman: What did Santa bring you, honey? 79 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:52,896 Firewood.Nutcracker: I felt worthless. 80 00:02:52,931 --> 00:02:56,348 I was unemployable, but Santa said my little fist hands 81 00:02:56,383 --> 00:02:58,178 were perfect for crunching numbers, 82 00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,834 and he gave me a job. 83 00:02:59,869 --> 00:03:02,216 A job that can afford that mink hat, 84 00:03:02,251 --> 00:03:04,805 that Rolex, that diamond pentagram? 85 00:03:04,839 --> 00:03:09,085 It's the Star of David, and yes, I embezzled a skosh, 86 00:03:09,119 --> 00:03:10,811 but I made Santa so much money. 87 00:03:10,845 --> 00:03:12,744 I mean, who would begrudge a little for myself? 88 00:03:12,778 --> 00:03:14,573 And boom goes the motive. 89 00:03:14,608 --> 00:03:17,783 Santa caught you, so he had to die. 90 00:03:17,818 --> 00:03:21,304 Solving crimes, typical Jesus, just like in the Bible. 91 00:03:21,339 --> 00:03:22,478 What are you, mashugana? 92 00:03:22,512 --> 00:03:24,204 I wouldn't kill my cash cow. 93 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,550 There's a cow? Can I meet him? 94 00:03:25,584 --> 00:03:27,483 But we know you're capable of murder 95 00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:30,313 because, spoiler alert, the Jews killed me. 96 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,184 Jews didn't kill Jesus, Jesus. 97 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,392 That's racism. 98 00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:42,118 You're right. 99 00:03:42,152 --> 00:03:44,154 I'm sorry. 100 00:03:52,093 --> 00:03:53,267 What are we doing? 101 00:03:53,302 --> 00:03:55,476 Wasting time. This crime is unsolvable, 102 00:03:55,511 --> 00:03:57,927 like Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Burgundy. 103 00:03:57,961 --> 00:04:00,964 Huh, got something to say, Santa's arch nemesis? 104 00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:02,069 I never hated Santa. 105 00:04:02,103 --> 00:04:03,173 I just hate children. 106 00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:04,727 Ain't that right.Well, of course you do. 107 00:04:04,761 --> 00:04:06,073 Yep, that's why I got my tubes tied. 108 00:04:06,107 --> 00:04:08,040 Santa and I used to be a comedy team. 109 00:04:08,075 --> 00:04:09,973 We went by Fatty and the Kramp. 110 00:04:10,008 --> 00:04:11,285 We were huge in the Catskills. 111 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,425 Hey, Krampus, what is mistletoe? 112 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:14,392 It's not a missile. 113 00:04:14,426 --> 00:04:16,221 It's not a toe. 114 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,947 Hey, maybe you beat children with it. 115 00:04:19,673 --> 00:04:21,985 You know what? I'm just done with this. 116 00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:23,193 Ah, we stayed friends. 117 00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:26,438 ♪ It always hurts to sleigh goodbye ♪ 118 00:04:26,473 --> 00:04:30,200 Oh, flood! 119 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,686 Aah! 120 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,619 ♪ Avalanche won't stop Detective Jesus ♪ 121 00:04:34,653 --> 00:04:36,655 ♪ Avalanche can't stop Inspector Jesus ♪ 122 00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:38,588 Oh, trapped, huh? 123 00:04:38,623 --> 00:04:40,866 Oh, I'm going to enjoy watching you meat puppets 124 00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,074 devour Santa's corpse. 125 00:04:42,109 --> 00:04:43,524 To get rid of the evidence! 126 00:04:43,559 --> 00:04:46,527 Santa deserves it for what he did to my people. 127 00:04:46,562 --> 00:04:49,047 The North Pole did not always belong to Santa. 128 00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:52,084 My people once roamed the land by the thousands 129 00:04:52,119 --> 00:04:54,328 before the Iron Sleigh arrived. 130 00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:57,331 The white-bearded man promised to share the land, 131 00:04:57,366 --> 00:04:58,884 but we were displaced. 132 00:04:58,919 --> 00:05:02,267 Our noseless faces were defiled with carrots, 133 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:06,098 our pristine bald heads covered with top hats. 134 00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:09,136 It was a nightmare. 135 00:05:09,170 --> 00:05:10,758 Wow, your flashback sucked. 136 00:05:10,793 --> 00:05:13,382 Oh, does genocide bum you out? 137 00:05:13,416 --> 00:05:15,867 So you killed Santa to avenge your people. 138 00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:17,351 Doesn't matter anymore. 139 00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:20,941 In 10 years, the North Pole will be lost to us both. 140 00:05:20,975 --> 00:05:24,047 Oh, here we go with the global warming bullshit. 141 00:05:24,082 --> 00:05:26,636 Inconsequential character my ass. 142 00:05:26,671 --> 00:05:29,259 I am the goddamn hero of this story. 143 00:05:29,294 --> 00:05:31,054 Eh, you're a "C" plot at best. 144 00:05:31,089 --> 00:05:32,987 Wait a minute. Where there's crumbs, 145 00:05:33,022 --> 00:05:34,851 there's crimes every time. 146 00:05:34,886 --> 00:05:36,577 Inspector Jesus! 147 00:05:36,612 --> 00:05:38,407 Not so fast, Ginger Spice. 148 00:05:38,441 --> 00:05:41,168 Earlier, I saw crumbs outside Santa's door. 149 00:05:41,202 --> 00:05:42,721 That puts you at the scene. 150 00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:44,102 I was with him last night. 151 00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,242 Last I checked, crumbing's not a crime, baby Jesus. 152 00:05:46,276 --> 00:05:48,348 But adultery is.Um, it is not. 153 00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,383 It's not?It is not. 154 00:05:49,418 --> 00:05:50,626 Well, it's not cool. 155 00:05:50,660 --> 00:05:52,006 You wanted him all for yourself, 156 00:05:52,041 --> 00:05:54,284 but he wouldn't leave his wife, so you killed him. 157 00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:56,390 I was fulfilling my dream of singing my heart 158 00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:59,324 out for strangers when Big Red walked into my life. 159 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,879 ♪ Remember to grease my pan 160 00:06:02,914 --> 00:06:06,089 ♪ Give me all of your loving ♪ 161 00:06:06,124 --> 00:06:09,541 ♪ Because you're my number-one man ♪ 162 00:06:12,095 --> 00:06:14,408 You've got a secret ingredient, kid, 163 00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:17,238 but it takes more than talent to bake a star. 164 00:06:17,273 --> 00:06:19,240 B-d-d-d-d-d! 165 00:06:19,275 --> 00:06:22,209 Finally, the world would hear my music. 166 00:06:22,243 --> 00:06:24,314 ♪ NPFL 167 00:06:24,349 --> 00:06:25,523 ♪ North Pole For Life 168 00:06:25,557 --> 00:06:26,972 ♪ DJ on the mike, Clause ♪ 169 00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:30,044 ♪ On the ones and twos North Pole Productions, bitch ♪ 170 00:06:30,079 --> 00:06:31,287 ♪ Don't forget about Dre 171 00:06:31,321 --> 00:06:33,393 But creative differences ruined everything. 172 00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:34,532 Young man: Extra, extra! 173 00:06:34,566 --> 00:06:37,051 Santa's album sells zero copies, also 9/11! 174 00:06:37,086 --> 00:06:39,778 So you killed him?I loved him. 175 00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,366 Loved? 176 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,023 Okay, he was repulsive. 177 00:06:43,057 --> 00:06:45,266 His balls were like chestnuts roasted over an open fire, 178 00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:46,233 and his dick wasn't even 179 00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:48,408 ♪ Five inches long 180 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:49,512 Gross. 181 00:06:49,547 --> 00:06:50,789 How do I know you didn't kill him? 182 00:06:50,824 --> 00:06:52,998 You with your big, strong arms. Do you work out? 183 00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:53,861 I do CrossFit. 184 00:06:53,896 --> 00:06:55,345 Nailed it! 185 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:57,520 Sorry, doll, you're not the first to be compelled 186 00:06:57,555 --> 00:06:58,970 by the power of Christ. 187 00:06:59,004 --> 00:07:00,661 You know, it could've been Jesus. 188 00:07:00,696 --> 00:07:02,042 Santa was his father. 189 00:07:02,076 --> 00:07:03,630 What? He was not my father. 190 00:07:03,664 --> 00:07:05,494 I thought Jesus was Santa's son, too. 191 00:07:05,528 --> 00:07:06,702 I'm not Santa's kid. 192 00:07:06,736 --> 00:07:08,151 I'm God's kid. 193 00:07:08,186 --> 00:07:10,222 Okay, I'm going to let you fuckin' idiots work this out 194 00:07:10,257 --> 00:07:12,742 and go look for some more clues by myself. 195 00:07:12,777 --> 00:07:13,812 Solving crimes! 196 00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:18,299 Ow! 197 00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:19,991 What -- what the fuck? 198 00:07:20,025 --> 00:07:21,613 My feet! 199 00:07:21,648 --> 00:07:23,615 Who the fuck is doing this? 200 00:07:24,789 --> 00:07:27,308 Real mature, guys. 201 00:07:27,343 --> 00:07:29,828 CrossFit! 202 00:07:29,863 --> 00:07:32,106 ♪ Inspector Jesus chasing the killer ♪ 203 00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:33,625 ♪ Don't need magic to catch him ♪ 204 00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:34,695 Jesus! 205 00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:36,835 Surprised I'm not dead, Peppermint? 206 00:07:36,870 --> 00:07:39,838 Well, it's not the first time I've been "double crossed." 207 00:07:39,873 --> 00:07:40,977 -That's offensive. -Nailed it twice. 208 00:07:41,012 --> 00:07:42,565 I knew if I went off by myself, 209 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:46,086 the real killer would make a move, and so she has. 210 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,226 I didn't do it. 211 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,953 Oh, God. 212 00:07:50,987 --> 00:07:54,508 Peppermint is the killer, and Jesus for the win. 213 00:07:54,543 --> 00:07:56,130 She hated Santa! 214 00:07:56,165 --> 00:07:58,719 She told me it was hell in that toy factory -- 215 00:07:58,754 --> 00:08:01,377 no safety regulations, no bathroom breaks, 216 00:08:01,411 --> 00:08:02,723 no casual Fridays. 217 00:08:02,758 --> 00:08:05,519 It got so bad Santa had to install suicide nets. 218 00:08:05,554 --> 00:08:07,590 Thought you'd take a break, huh? Well, back to work. 219 00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:11,145 Nutcracker: She tried to unionize, but Santa hired a strike-busting Bumble, 220 00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,492 and Bumbles bounce your head 221 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,183 against the curve if you unionize. 222 00:08:14,217 --> 00:08:15,356 I'm not going down for this. 223 00:08:15,391 --> 00:08:16,323 The truth is -- 224 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,642 Who did that? 225 00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:26,264 Don't look at me, baby. 226 00:08:28,577 --> 00:08:30,026 Porter, please tell the authorities 227 00:08:30,061 --> 00:08:31,476 to be waiting at the next station. 228 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,892 I, Jesus Christ, without using any magic, 229 00:08:33,927 --> 00:08:35,066 have solved the crime. 230 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,619 You know who the killer is? 231 00:08:36,654 --> 00:08:38,345 What did I just say? 232 00:08:38,379 --> 00:08:40,450 You said, "Porter, please tell the authorities -- " 233 00:08:40,485 --> 00:08:41,900 All: Shut up, Comet! 234 00:08:41,935 --> 00:08:45,904 Let me show you what happened in our most exciting flashback yet. 235 00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:47,457 Santa's door wasn't forced 236 00:08:47,492 --> 00:08:50,012 because he opened it himself for friends. 237 00:08:50,046 --> 00:08:51,427 Hello. 238 00:08:51,461 --> 00:08:53,567 Stab! For the pole. 239 00:08:53,602 --> 00:08:55,258 -For the pole. -For the pole. 240 00:08:55,293 --> 00:08:57,260 Carrot.For the pole. 241 00:08:57,295 --> 00:08:59,193 For the -- for the -- 242 00:08:59,228 --> 00:09:00,298 for the pole. 243 00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,748 There we go. 244 00:09:03,266 --> 00:09:04,198 For the pole. 245 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,617 You can't prove any of it. 246 00:09:08,651 --> 00:09:10,273 I can prove any of it. 247 00:09:10,308 --> 00:09:12,413 Krampus, your ukulele was out of tune, 248 00:09:12,448 --> 00:09:15,175 exactly the way it would be if you stabbed someone with it. 249 00:09:15,209 --> 00:09:17,453 Snowball, you're melting due to global warming, 250 00:09:17,487 --> 00:09:20,421 and there was a small puddle of water near the body. 251 00:09:20,456 --> 00:09:22,423 Nutsy, you're a Jew.Hey! 252 00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:25,288 Ginger, I believe this belongs to you. 253 00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,669 Oh, fuck. 254 00:09:26,704 --> 00:09:27,877 Ooh, what about me? 255 00:09:27,912 --> 00:09:30,052 You've got tiny bits of entrails on your antlers. 256 00:09:30,086 --> 00:09:31,605 Yay, I'm implicated! 257 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,676 And Peppermint, she's dead. 258 00:09:33,711 --> 00:09:36,610 So now we know all the reasons they wanted to kill Santa. 259 00:09:36,645 --> 00:09:37,887 Yes. All: No! 260 00:09:37,922 --> 00:09:39,613 No?The truth is we were all 261 00:09:39,648 --> 00:09:41,546 in a fantasy football league together. 262 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,617 Santa was checking his naughty and nice list 263 00:09:43,652 --> 00:09:45,550 to guess which players could be suspended, 264 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,310 thereby predicting the spread. 265 00:09:47,345 --> 00:09:49,312 He cheated, and he deserved to die. 266 00:09:49,347 --> 00:09:52,868 So he died for the greatest sin of all, 267 00:09:52,902 --> 00:09:55,456 giving a shit about fake football. 268 00:09:55,491 --> 00:09:58,667 But without you, Jesus, we go free. 269 00:10:08,987 --> 00:10:10,851 Ow! 270 00:10:11,714 --> 00:10:13,336 Oh, fuck! 271 00:10:13,371 --> 00:10:15,649 Jesus magic, I'm back, baby! 272 00:10:15,684 --> 00:10:20,827 I hope that you enjoyed your time on the North Pole Express. 273 00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:21,828 It was all right. 274 00:10:21,862 --> 00:10:23,277 Three and a half fishes, I'd say. 275 00:10:24,278 --> 00:10:27,178 Wow, suicide. 276 00:10:27,212 --> 00:10:29,111 Ow, ow, these pinch! 277 00:10:29,145 --> 00:10:31,803 Another murder mystery solved by 278 00:10:31,838 --> 00:10:33,840 ♪ Inspector Jesus, solving crimes ♪ 279 00:10:33,874 --> 00:10:34,841 ♪ Boo-yah 280 00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:36,359 You did it, my friend. 281 00:10:36,394 --> 00:10:38,051 Cheese and crackers, you're alive? 282 00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:40,432 I was in the locomotive the whole time, 283 00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,365 pulling a train, if you know what I mean. 284 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,057 Comet: You know there are two trains? 285 00:10:44,091 --> 00:10:46,162 Then whose body was in your cabin? 286 00:10:46,197 --> 00:10:47,854 Tim Allen. 287 00:10:47,888 --> 00:10:50,788 Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 288 00:10:50,822 --> 00:10:53,929 Hello, Tim? Tim Allen? 289 00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:55,862 Ah, yeah, that bit is going strong. 290 00:10:55,896 --> 00:10:58,347 Who would have thought? 291 00:10:58,381 --> 00:11:00,142 Moving on, do you want to help me with something, Tim? 292 00:11:01,350 --> 00:11:03,145 Don't worry, Tim. This will be the safest ride 293 00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:04,871 you've ever taken, and just in case, 294 00:11:04,905 --> 00:11:07,356 I took out a billion-dollar life-insurance policy.