0
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,730
Fixed & Synced by MoUsTaFa ZaKi
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[ WIND WHISTLING ]
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[ SCANNER WHIRRING ]
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[ WIND WHISTLES ]
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♪♪
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[ EVIL LAUGHTER ]
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[ WHIRRING ]
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♪♪
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IT'S ALIVE!
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♪♪
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[ THUNDER RUMBLES ]
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♪♪
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[ BEEPING ]
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Announcer: IN THE YEAR 2023, THE
WORLD FACES AN UNSTOPPABLE EVIL.
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[ SCREECHING ]
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[ GUNFIRE ]
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GODZILLA HAS DESTROYED
THE LAST OF OUR AIR FORCE, SIR.
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WE HAVE
ONE FINAL OPTION.
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NUCLEAR?
19
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BETTER.
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JASON VOORHEES!
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HE CAN'T BE KILLED!
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THINK HOLLYWOOD IS OUT OF IDEAS?
SHUT UP!
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NOW FORK OVER YOUR HARD-EARNED
CASH FOR MORE CRAP-TACULAR,
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MIND-NUMBING DUNG --
LIKE THIS PILE OF FLAMING --
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HOLY SHIT,
I WOULD ACTUALLY SEE THIS!
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I MEAN,
LIKE NOT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT,
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BUT I'D GET BAKED
AND MAKE AN AFTERNOON OF IT.
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NO WAY!
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DID YOU SEE THAT?!
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RIGHT UP THE FLAME,
LIKE A FIRE SALMON!
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"GODZILLA VS. JASON."
32
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THIS REMAKE MASH-UP BULLSHIT
JUST GOT GOOD!
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[ ROARS ]
DEAR GOD!
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[ SCREECHES ]
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NOW, MY FRIENDS,
EAT OF MY BODY.
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FOR BREAKFAST?!
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HOLY YUCK!
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NO,
HOLY O'S!
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♪ JESUS ♪
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♪ HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS ♪
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♪ NOW HE'S GIVING BREAKFAST
A BIBLICAL SPIN ♪
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♪ MARSHMALLOW BITS
LOOK LIKE ANGEL WINGS ♪
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♪ NUGGETS SHAPED LIKE HALOS
AND THE KING OF KINGS ♪
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♪ FORTIFIED WITH FIBER
SO YOUR COLON'S PRIMED ♪
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♪ WITH HOLY O'S!,
THE MILK CHANGES INTO WINE! ♪
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Announcer: HOLY O'S! ARE BAKED
WITH ANCIENT CHAFF,
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CARBON-DATED
TO THE TIME OF JESUS,
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AND SOAKED IN HIGH FRUCTOSE
CORN SYRUP --
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JUST THE WAY HE LIKED IT.
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♪ HOLY O'S ♪
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IT IS FINISHED.
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[ DING! ]
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[ GRUNTS ]
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[ ALARM BLARING, SIREN WAILING ]
55
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FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED!
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OOP!
OH, NO, WHERE'D I GO?!
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[ LAUGHING ] WHOOP!
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I'M UP AND THEN I'M DOWN.
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WHOOP, WHERE'D I GO?!
[ LAUGHING ]
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[ GRENADE CLICKS ]
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HEY, WHAT?!
NO, NO, NO, NO!
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR FIXING
MY PORCH, HANDY MANNY.
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DE NADA,
SEÑORA PORTILLO.
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YOU KNOW MY MOTTO --
YOU BREAK IT...
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WE FIX IT! WE FIX IT!
WE FIX IT! WE FIX IT!
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AND WITH THE LOWEST PRICES
IN TOWN!
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[ SIREN WAILS, TIRES SCREECH ]
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AY!
STAND BACK,
MA'AM!
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WE'RE DEPORTING THIS ILLEGAL
HOMBRE BACK TO TACO-TOWN.
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ILLEGAL?!
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[ YELLING IN SPANISH ]
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HEY,
IT'S DARK IN HERE!
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I NEED MY PILLS!
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WE APPRECIATE
ALL THE TIPS YOU'VE GIVEN US
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ON THE ILLEGAL HANDY MAN,
BOB THE BUILDER,
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BUT AMERICA JUST DOESN'T HAVE
ENOUGH DETENTION CENTERS
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TO HANDLE THEM ALL.
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THAT'S A PROBLEM!
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CAN WE FIX IT?!
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Together:
YES, WE CAN!
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Handy Manny:
BOB, BOB!
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YOU CAN'T LET THEM
DEPORT ME!
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YOU KNOW
I WAS BORN IN AMERICA!
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YEAH, THE 14th AMENDMENT
SAYS THAT MAKES YOU A CITIZEN,
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AND IT'S
A REAL PROBLEM.
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CAN WE FIX IT?!
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UH...
UH... UH...
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I DON'T ROLL
WITH THAT.
I'M DON'T KNOW.
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[ WHIMPERS ]
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I DON'T KNOW!
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MOMMY,
I THOUGHT THAT LITTLE PILL
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WAS SUPPOSED TO GROW INTO
A GREAT, BIG DINOSAUR TOY.
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IS THAT GRANDMA'S
HEART MEDICINE?
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THEN THAT MEANS --
OH, MY GOD!
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[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
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WHEN THAT CIRCUS GYPSY PREDICTED
THIS IS HOW GRANDMA WOULD DIE,
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WE ALL LAUGHED.
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WELL, I GUESS
SHE'S THE ONE LAUGHING NOW.
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[ WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
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THAT'S NOT TRUE.
[ SNIFFLES ]
101
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I ACTUALLY FIND THIS VERY SAD.
102
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,811
Announcer:
YOUR PRINCIPAL -- HE STINKS!
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NOT TRUE!
I SHOWERED THIS MORNING!
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Announcer:
YEAH, YOU DO, YOU OLD DICK!
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00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,850
YOU SUCK AT VIDEO GAMES,
YOU DON'T LIKE RAP MUSIC,
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AND YOU HATE CHEW BLAST GUM!
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NO!
108
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Announcer:
YOUR BUS DRIVER SUCKS [BLEEP]
109
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YOU SUCK [BLEEP]
110
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Announcer: NO, YOU DO!
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YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE,
YOU HAVE DIABETES,
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AND YOU HA-A-A-A-TE
CHEW BLAST GUM.
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THE CHILDREN
STICK IT UNDER THE SEATS.
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Announcer: WELL, STICK THIS
UP YOUR ASS, YOU OLD BITCH!
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00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,503
I CAN'T SEE!
116
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Announcer:
YOUR GRANDPA IS AN OLD DICK BAG.
117
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I TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE.
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Announcer: HE DOESN'T GET
THE SPIKE NETWORK AT HIS HOUSE,
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HE WALKS WITH A LIMP.
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MY LIMP IS FROM WORLD WAR II.
121
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Announcer:
AND HE HATES CHEW BLAST GUM.
122
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:44,650
I SURVIVED
THE BATAAN DEATH MARCH.
123
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,718
Announcer: TRY TO SURVIVE THIS!
AAGH!
124
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Announcer: CHEW BLAST,
THE GUM YOU SHOOT INTO YOUR
MOUTH WITH A SLINGSHOT.
125
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,991
GROWN-UPS DON'T LIKE IT 'CAUSE
GROWN-UPS ARE [BLEEP] STUPID!
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♪♪
127
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,961
YEAH,
POLLUTING IS FUN!
128
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,729
Captain Planet:
NO, IT ISN'T!
129
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,031
All:
CAPTAIN PLANET!
130
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DON'T TRY TO RUN!
131
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RUN!
132
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ENERGY BEAM!
133
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AAGH!
134
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,604
EARTH POWER!
135
00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:06,772
AAGH!
136
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:09,408
BALL SHOT!
MY BALLS!
137
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,942
GOOD WORK,
CAPTAIN PLANET!
138
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,744
YOU'VE DONE
SUCH A FANTASTIC JOB
139
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THAT WE'RE GIVING YOU
A PROMOTION.
140
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,883
CONGRATULATIONS...
GENERAL PLANET!
141
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,284
OH, BOY!
142
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9:00 A.M.,
FIRST QUARTER R&D REVIEW,
143
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:23,021
9:30, SUBCOMMITTEE
ON OFF-SHORE SAFETY BUDGET.
144
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,389
10:30, MA--
145
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:27,426
EXCUSE ME, GENERAL, BUT THESE
NEED YOUR SIGNATURE RIGHT AWAY!
146
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,628
GENERAL PLANET!
[ CHUCKLES ]
147
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I HOPE
THIS IS RECYCLED PAPER.
148
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IT IS NOT.
149
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[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ]
YO, THIS TRACK
IS BOMB AS HELL!
150
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AS SOON AS NICKI MINAJ ADDS
HER VOCAL, IT'S GONNA BE HUGE!
151
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,941
[ DOOR OPENS ]
HELLO, EVERYONE,
I'M HERE.
152
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YOU AIN'T NICKI MINAJ!
153
00:05:44,078 --> 00:05:46,445
NA, I'M HER SISTER
NICKI MORGAJ.
154
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I'M HERE
TO REFINANCE YOUR MORTGAGES.
155
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YO, YO, YO,
YOU DEAD, SUCKA!
156
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,518
WAIT! I BOUGHT AT THE HEIGHT
OF THE HOUSING BUBBLE.
157
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LET'S JUST
HEAR HER OUT.
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[ GUNSHOT ]
159
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[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
160
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[ ELECTRONIC PULSING ]
161
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SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
SURPRISE! SURPRISE!
162
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AWW!
YOU GUYS.
163
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[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ]
164
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♪ WELL, A LONG TIME AGO ♪
165
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♪ A DINOSAUR LADY GAVE BIRTH ♪
166
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,538
♪ TO A WHOLE BUNCH
OF DINOSAUR BABIES ♪
167
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,207
♪ THREE OF THEM HAD
THE SAME FEATURES MOM HAD ♪
168
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,376
♪ BUT ONE WAS PROBABLY
FROM A DIFFERENT DAD ♪
169
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♪ YEAH, MOM LET ANOTHER MAN
SPERM UP HER EGGS ♪
170
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♪ AND NO MATTER HOW SHE CRIED
OR HOW SHE BEGGED ♪
171
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♪ DADDY KICKED HER ASS OUT
INTO THE COLD, COLD STREET ♪
172
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♪ AND WITH FOUR MOUTHS TO FEED
AND NOTHING TO EAT ♪
173
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♪ SHE PACKED UP HER BROOD
IN THE POURING RAIN ♪
174
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,986
♪ AND BOOKED A ONE-WAY TRIP ♪
175
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♪ ON THE DINOSAUR TRAIN ♪
176
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[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
♪ DINOSAUR TRAIN ♪
177
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♪ WHO BUILT THIS TRAIN? ♪
178
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♪ WELL, DINOSAURS
DEVELOPED STEAM AND TOOLS ♪
179
00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,230
♪ DINO SOCIETY
WAS INHERENTLY CRUEL ♪
180
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,065
♪ AND A SLUT-SHAMED MOM
WITH A BROOD TO FEED ♪
181
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:43,902
♪ HAD TO GET CREATIVE
TO PAY THE PASSAGE FEE ♪
182
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,404
♪ DINOSAUR SHAME ♪
183
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,806
♪ ON THE DINOSAUR TRAIN ♪
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
184
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,741
♪ WELL, THEY RODE THE RAILS
FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS ♪
185
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,576
♪ AND MOM TURNED TRICKS
TO KEEP THEIR FANCY BUNKS ♪
186
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,745
♪ THEN SHE MET A STEGOSAURUS
WHO SAID, "BE MY WIFE ♪
187
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,580
♪ COME OUT TO CALIFORNIA
AND WE'LL START A NEW LIFE ♪
188
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,416
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID
OR WHAT YOU DONE ♪
189
00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:59,551
♪ I LOVE YOU AND YOUR KIDS
AND YOUR BASTARD SON" ♪
190
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,353
♪ SHE LOOKED AT THAT MAN
WITH TEARS IN HER EYES ♪
191
00:07:01,355 --> 00:07:02,954
♪ AND THE TRAIN DERAILED ♪
192
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,123
♪ AND THE DINOSAURS DIED ♪
193
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,958
♪ MAYBE DINOS BUILT A RAILROAD
ACROSS THIS LAND ♪
194
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,460
♪ BUT THERE'S NO WAY
THEY COULD STEER ♪
195
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:10,762
♪ WITH THOSE TINY HANDS ♪
196
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,130
♪ DINOSAUR TRAIN ♪
197
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,732
♪ IMPLAUSIBLE TRAIN ♪
198
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,167
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
199
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:19,704
AH, MAGOO, A VACATION IN MIAMI
IS JUST WHAT YOU NEEDED.
200
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:23,375
I JUST HOPE THERE AREN'T
TOO MANY MOSQUITOES.
201
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:29,314
DID YOU SAY,
"MASSAGE"?
202
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:30,782
OH,
I'D LOVE ONE.
203
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,484
LET ME GET
MY WALLET.
204
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:33,585
[ CHUCKLES ]
205
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,323
I'M ESPECIALLY TENSE
RIGHT HERE,
206
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:41,560
IN THE SHOULDERS
AND MAYBE THE GROIN AREA.
207
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,235
"HAPPY ENDING,"
YOU SAY?
208
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,636
[ CHUCKLES ]
209
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:55,841
AH, MIAMI BOTANICAL GARDEN,
I ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THIS.
210
00:07:55,843 --> 00:08:00,111
ALTHOUGH THERE BETTER NOT BE
ANY OF THOSE PESKY MOSQUITOES.
211
00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:07,085
AH, DOES ANYBODY IN MIAMI
SPEAK ENGLISH?!
212
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,055
OH, THE LATINOS
ARE RUINING THE COUNTRY, I SAY.
213
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,223
[ LAUGHS ]
214
00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:13,358
[ DICE RATTLING ]
215
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,961
OH, NO,
MOSQUITOES!
216
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,162
[ GRUNTS ]
217
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,965
[ ALL GRUNT ]
218
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,101
OH,
A WATER FOUNTAIN!
219
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,736
I COULD USE
A DRINK.
220
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:25,937
[ SLURPS ]
221
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:27,405
REFRESHING! [ LAUGHS ]
222
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,406
[ BOTH GASP ]
223
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,945
MOSQUITOES.
224
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,716
[ LAUGHS ]
225
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,922
WHAT,
DID THE SPRINKLERS GO OFF?
226
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,124
WHY ARE MY FEET WET? HUH?
227
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,659
WHAT'S THIS?
228
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,261
OH, HEAVENS.
229
00:08:49,263 --> 00:08:50,729
I DID THIS!
230
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,230
MR. MAGOO!
231
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:55,433
SHE KNOWS I DID IT.
232
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,969
I-I-I CAN'T DO TIME!
233
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,204
[ SCREAMS ]
234
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,240
[ SOBBING ]
235
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:09,114
YOU SHOULD REALLY CONSIDER
LASIK SURGERY FOR YOUR EYESIGHT.
236
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:13,518
THE INFINITY GAUNTLET
BELONGS TO THANOS AT LAST!
237
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,887
NOW I FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING
238
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,991
TO GO WITH MY INFINITY DRESS
AND INFINITY SHOES!
239
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:23,395
IF ONLY I HAD AN INFINITY DATE.
240
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,030
OH, ERIC,
241
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,899
YOU'VE MADE THIS LITTLE
MERMAID'S DREAMS COME TRUE.
242
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:31,336
I'M FINALLY A REAL GIRL,
AND IT'S OUR WEDDING NIGHT.
243
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,537
[ GIGGLES ]
244
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,872
[ GRUNTS ]
245
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:37,142
DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE
WHILE YOU JERK OFF ONTO MY EGGS?
246
00:09:37,144 --> 00:09:40,178
I'D RATHER STAY AND WATCH,
IF THAT'S OKAY.
247
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,615
Girl: MATCHES!
PLEASE BUY MY MATCHES.
248
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:47,352
I CAN'T GO HOME
WITHOUT SELLING THESE MATCHES.
249
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,621
FATHER WILL BEAT ME!
250
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,726
I'M SO COLD.
251
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:58,263
IT COULDN'T HURT
TO LIGHT JUST ONE MATCH.
252
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,800
OH!
253
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,136
THAT WAS LOVELY.
254
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:06,671
GRANDMOTHER!
255
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:10,442
BUT -- BUT YOU'RE IN HEAVEN
WITH JESUS NOW.
256
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,711
JESUS IS
A FAIRY TALE.
257
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:13,979
THERE'S ONLY VISHNU,
258
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:17,048
WHICH YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON
ENOUGH IF YOU FREEZE TO DEATH.
259
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,717
LISTEN TO
YOUR OLD GRANNY.
260
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:23,054
SHE'S GOT A PLAN, A PLAN,
A PLAN, A PLAN, A PLAN...
261
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,089
HI, DADDY.
262
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,390
DAMN IT, GIRL,
263
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:28,893
IF YOU DIDN'T SELL
EVERY LAST MATCH, IT --
264
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,061
[ COUGHS ]
265
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:33,231
GAME, SET, MATCH.
266
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,234
I NEVER DREAMED YOU WOULD LEARN
TO USE THE MATCHES
267
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,003
FOR YOUR OWN PURPOSES!
268
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,270
[ GRUNTS ]
269
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,008
GRANNY'S JEWELRY --
RIGHT WHERE SHE SAID SHE HID IT.
270
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,244
HAVE AN EGG FOR THE ROAD,
YOU OLD DICK.
271
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,447
OH, NO, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
FOR A MAI TAI.
272
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,549
ONE MAI TAI
COMING UP.
273
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:54,085
SO, WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
ANYWAY?
274
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:57,389
MY NAME'S
THE LITTLE [BLEEP] MATCH GIRL!
275
00:10:57,391 --> 00:10:58,390
♪ WHAA ♪
276
00:10:58,392 --> 00:11:01,426
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]
277
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:03,962
♪ WAAH, AAH, AAH, AAH, AAH ♪
278
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,738
♪ WAAH, AAH, AAH, AAH, AAH ♪