It's alive!
♪ Motherfucker ♪
♪ It's my wedding day ♪
Freddy Krueger had a dream.
I want my father to walk me down the aisle.
♪ My mom was raped by all the psychos ♪
But this wedding has a few surprises.
Dude, sunscreen!
Burned alive, but thanks!
Your father?
Aren't you the bastard son of 100 maniacs?
Well, I'm the son of one maniac.
The other 99 lost the race.
So invite them all.
I will!
- Have we met before? - That depends.
Did you gangbang a nun at an insane asylum in the '50s?
Catholic or flying?
Terrified.
♪ Boiler dreams, murder kids ♪
♪ Stabbing the life out of them ♪
Geez, mom, you really got around.
Sure, slut-shame the violated nun.
♪ Almost married, RSVP ♪
♪ Registered at Macy’s ♪
This summer, get ready...
Freddy...
- I'm your... - Dad.
Murder, bludgeon, kill!
For the wedding of a lifetime.
♪ Hundred psycho johns ♪
♪ How could this go wrong? ♪
♪ Please, it's just Freddy’s ♪
♪ Messed-up back story ♪
Possible dads, you're ruining my big day!
"Murder Mia!"
stay frosty.
One of those things de-spined my entire platoon.
Whoa!
Ow! Ow.
There he is!
Hey.
Hold on.
And he's a preda-dork!
Did you just come up with that?
You should do improv, soldier!
Please.
Thank you.
Now I can climb out.
Wait.
Free baby, yeah.
Are you ready for the summer soldier, bitches?
Mom, dad, like, hello. I'm getting the operation.
Absolutely not. I didn't kill
little red plastic commie men in Korea so you could
mutilate yourself.
I hate you both.
Don't you know how embarrassing it is to be,
like, the only girl with a slab?
Trust the slab!
The slab keeps your feet on the ground.
The slab means stability!
Fuck the slab!
She didn't mean that, dear.
Yes, she did.
My baby hates me.
Oh, did I do that?
I got your dick!
Give me your money!
Help! Help!
Who's that?
Won't somebody help me?
You won't stop me, masked stranger!
Oh, that'll do it!
We love you, whoever you are!
Where'd the pool guy go?
Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!
Aah! Aah!
Ew.
Oh.
Stupid building codes.
Hey, guys, does this look weird to you?
Mine looks like Richard Nixon.
Can we hang out one time without studying our vaginas?
- Aah! - Oh!
- Ugh! - Good day, totally spies.
Your mis... Jesus Christ, put some pants on.
Your mission... Travel to south America
and root out a cell of radicals
threatening the puppet ruler we control.
These radicals are teachers and artists.
Who says blondes are dumb?
Can we, like, go fight a guy
dressed as a big rat or something?
No, and to make sure it goes smoothly,
you'll be joined by agent Marshall on loan
from the CIA, and, girls, don't forget to take your gadgets.
Whoosh!
What is this?
That is a cutesy, cuddly curling iron.
Fun!
It packs a lethal dose of Polonium-210.
Uh, fun?
Hey, guys, look at their work.
So much culture. It's amazing.
And banned.
Aah!
Oop, sorry.
Is that too tight? Nice work.
Hand me that cutesy, cuddly curling iron.
For the polonium?
No, gonna shove it up his ass.
I thought it was proven that torture doesn't work.
Depends on what you're trying to do.
If the answer is have fun, it definitely works.
Guys, I think I have PTSD,
post-totally stressed disorder.
Good one, Alex.
Ugh! Sam! Sam!
Twitch is not a spy!
Not a spy!
♪
Do you need your heart pills, grandpa?
But they're right here.
I'm going to leave these here.
I promise.
This time, I really won't move them.
Grandpa?
Mr. Schindler, the Talmud says,
"whoever saves one life saves the world entire."
I... I could have saved more.
Oscar, you saved over 1,000 Jews
and one man who claims to be a werewolf.
This watch, I...
I could've bought two more with this watch.
No.
This car, Goethe offered me 30 Jews for this car,
but I just set the radio presets the way
I wanted them, and I turned him down.
Once, I saved a dozen Jews but had no money
to tip my shoeshine boy, so I gave him a Jew.
Itzhak, your record player I gave you...
Yes?
The one I nicknamed little Anna, and you said,
"what a strange name for a record player,"
and then I chuckled but didn't explain why.
Just go, Oscar.
We'll erect a monument to you... Or something.
Uh, something modest.
Don't... don't spend too many Jews.
I'll tell them. Goodbye.
♪
There can only be one lord of the ring, Saruman.
Ugh!
The eagles. My message got through.
It did. How could we pass up
playing for Gandalf the Grey?
Now sit back and take it easy.
Another morning singing to my beloved, disgusting town.
Great. French Anne Hathaway is back.
If she comes over here, I'm blind, deaf, and mute,
got it?
♪ There goes the beggar with his remaining limbs ♪
♪ He sold his legs to buy some pants ♪
♪ The street whores are the grossest ♪
♪ Syphilised all their noses ♪
♪ Just another normal day in feudal France ♪
Help us, belle.
Help yourself and learn to read.
♪ There goes the taxman with his iron shackles ♪
♪ Now watch this asshole do a dance ♪
♪ The death cart rolls on by ♪
♪ The corpses piled high ♪
♪ Just another normal day in feudal France ♪
♪ Oh, isn't this disgusting ♪
♪ The well is full of poop and human pee ♪
♪ Oh, isn't it charming ♪
♪ How the children think they'll live past 23 ♪
♪ Just another normal day ♪
♪ Just another freakin' day in feudal France ♪
Oh, fucking fuck me.
Oh, my god. The bipods are here.
They're tripods.
Count them, three legs. Wait.
That's not two legs and a penis?
Uh, I don't think so, but maybe.
Uh, I really think it's a penis.
Ugh, my dick!
Yo, Troy, did you really sign up for the high-school musical?
Yeah, cool, right?
Hell no, it's not cool.
♪ Dancing is for losers ♪
♪ Singing is for dorks ♪
♪ The musical is a dead art form ♪
♪ Beggars can't be choosers ♪
♪ The only choice is sports ♪
♪ My asshole keeps the bench warm ♪
♪ Keep your, keep your brain on the ball ♪
♪ Keep your, keep your ♪
Guys, guys, I'm... I'm confused.
You want me to choose basketball over the musical?
Damn straight.
Dude, listen to the song.
So you're telling me not to sing,
and you're doing it in the form of a song.
Sounds like someone needs another verse.
♪ If an athlete chooses music ♪
♪ Light his ass on fire ♪
♪ Kill his parents with a rock ♪
It's just kind of hypocritical.
That's all I'm saying.
We don't have time to argue with you all day, man.
We told coach we'd help pass out condoms
with abstinence slogans on them.
- Yeah. - Abstinence!
♪ Your ass looks great ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪
Ba-gawk! Bawk.