1
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,750
It's alive!

2
00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:39,830
♪ Motherfucker ♪

3
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,140
♪ It's my wedding day ♪

4
00:00:41,140 --> 00:00:42,900
Freddy Krueger had a dream.

5
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,040
I want my father to walk me
down the aisle.

6
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,140
♪ My mom was raped
by all the psychos ♪

7
00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,980
But this wedding has
a few surprises.

8
00:00:50,980 --> 00:00:52,080
Dude, sunscreen!

9
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,080
Burned alive, but thanks!

10
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,280
Your father?

11
00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:57,650
Aren't you the bastard son
of 100 maniacs?

12
00:00:57,650 --> 00:00:59,590
Well, I'm the son of one maniac.

13
00:00:59,590 --> 00:01:01,520
The other 99 lost the race.

14
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,590
So invite them all.

15
00:01:03,590 --> 00:01:05,490
I will!

16
00:01:05,490 --> 00:01:07,030
- Have we met before?
- That depends.

17
00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:09,800
Did you gangbang a nun at
an insane asylum in the '50s?

18
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,300
Catholic or flying?

19
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:12,830
Terrified.

20
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,340
♪ Boiler dreams, murder kids ♪

21
00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:18,270
♪ Stabbing the life
out of them ♪

22
00:01:18,270 --> 00:01:20,410
Geez, mom,
you really got around.

23
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:23,980
Sure, slut-shame
the violated nun.

24
00:01:24,910 --> 00:01:27,410
♪ Almost married, RSVP ♪

25
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,250
♪ Registered at Macy’s ♪

26
00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:31,350
This summer, get ready...

27
00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:32,290
Freddy...

28
00:01:32,290 --> 00:01:33,420
- I'm your...
- Dad.

29
00:01:33,420 --> 00:01:34,720
Murder, bludgeon, kill!

30
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,560
For the wedding of a lifetime.

31
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,430
♪ Hundred psycho johns ♪

32
00:01:39,430 --> 00:01:41,260
♪ How could this go wrong? ♪

33
00:01:41,260 --> 00:01:43,100
♪ Please, it's just Freddy’s ♪

34
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:45,870
♪ Messed-up back story ♪

35
00:01:45,870 --> 00:01:49,970
Possible dads,
you're ruining my big day!

36
00:01:49,970 --> 00:01:53,240
"Murder Mia!"

37
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,440
stay frosty.

38
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,410
One of those things
de-spined my entire platoon.

39
00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:00,450
Whoa!

40
00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:01,620
Ow! Ow.

41
00:02:01,620 --> 00:02:02,920
There he is!

42
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,420
Hey.

43
00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:11,290
Hold on.

44
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:19,100
And he's a preda-dork!

45
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,600
Did you just come up with that?

46
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,370
You should do improv, soldier!

47
00:02:27,340 --> 00:02:29,310
Please.

48
00:02:29,310 --> 00:02:31,040
Thank you.

49
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,780
Now I can climb out.

50
00:02:32,780 --> 00:02:34,350
Wait.

51
00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:43,060
Free baby, yeah.

52
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:47,390
Are you ready for
the summer soldier, bitches?

53
00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:50,000
Mom, dad, like, hello.
I'm getting the operation.

54
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,200
Absolutely not.
I didn't kill

55
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,440
little red plastic commie men
in Korea so you could

56
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,700
mutilate yourself.

57
00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:58,840
I hate you both.

58
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,340
Don't you know
how embarrassing it is to be,

59
00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:02,040
like, the only girl with a slab?

60
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,080
Trust the slab!

61
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,810
The slab keeps your feet
on the ground.

62
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,980
The slab means stability!

63
00:03:06,980 --> 00:03:08,680
Fuck the slab!

64
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,080
She didn't mean that, dear.

65
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,920
Yes, she did.

66
00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,490
My baby hates me.

67
00:03:22,030 --> 00:03:24,200
Oh, did I do that?

68
00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:35,510
I got your dick!

69
00:03:55,430 --> 00:03:56,300
Give me your money!

70
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,530
Help! Help!

71
00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:04,140
Who's that?

72
00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:08,580
Won't somebody help me?

73
00:04:09,610 --> 00:04:12,450
You won't stop me,
masked stranger!

74
00:04:14,850 --> 00:04:16,880
Oh, that'll do it!

75
00:04:20,490 --> 00:04:23,660
We love you, whoever you are!

76
00:04:23,660 --> 00:04:25,430
Where'd the pool guy go?

77
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,200
Peanuts!
Get your peanuts here!

78
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,470
Aah! Aah!

79
00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,140
Ew.

80
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,840
Oh.

81
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:43,510
Stupid building codes.

82
00:04:43,510 --> 00:04:45,010
Hey, guys, does this
look weird to you?

83
00:04:45,010 --> 00:04:46,410
Mine looks like Richard Nixon.

84
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,920
Can we hang out one time
without studying our vaginas?

85
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,050
- Aah!
- Oh!

86
00:04:51,050 --> 00:04:52,690
- Ugh!
- Good day, totally spies.

87
00:04:52,690 --> 00:04:55,820
Your mis... Jesus Christ,
put some pants on.

88
00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:57,720
Your mission...
Travel to south America

89
00:04:57,730 --> 00:04:59,260
and root out a cell of radicals

90
00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,300
threatening the puppet ruler
we control.

91
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,060
These radicals are
teachers and artists.

92
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,600
Who says blondes are dumb?

93
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,000
Can we, like, go fight a guy

94
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,500
dressed as a big rat
or something?

95
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:10,640
No, and to make sure
it goes smoothly,

96
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,970
you'll be joined by
agent Marshall on loan

97
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:16,380
from the CIA, and, girls, don't
forget to take your gadgets.

98
00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:17,710
Whoosh!

99
00:05:17,710 --> 00:05:18,880
What is this?

100
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,280
That is a cutesy,
cuddly curling iron.

101
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,320
Fun!

102
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,890
It packs a lethal dose
of Polonium-210.

103
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,490
Uh, fun?

104
00:05:31,660 --> 00:05:34,060
Hey, guys, look at their work.

105
00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:36,530
So much culture.
It's amazing.

106
00:05:36,530 --> 00:05:37,900
And banned.

107
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:38,970
Aah!

108
00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:40,000
Oop, sorry.

109
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,570
Is that too tight?
Nice work.

110
00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:43,100
Hand me that cutesy,
cuddly curling iron.

111
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:44,270
For the polonium?

112
00:05:44,270 --> 00:05:46,170
No, gonna shove it up his ass.

113
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,780
I thought it was proven
that torture doesn't work.

114
00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:50,010
Depends on what
you're trying to do.

115
00:05:50,010 --> 00:05:53,050
If the answer is have fun,
it definitely works.

116
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:12,000
Guys, I think I have PTSD,

117
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,230
post-totally stressed disorder.

118
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,100
Good one, Alex.

119
00:06:16,110 --> 00:06:17,570
Ugh! Sam! Sam!

120
00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:18,770
Twitch is not a spy!

121
00:06:18,770 --> 00:06:20,570
Not a spy!

122
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,610
♪

123
00:06:27,350 --> 00:06:29,920
Do you need your
heart pills, grandpa?

124
00:06:32,550 --> 00:06:34,720
But they're right here.

125
00:06:36,690 --> 00:06:38,090
I'm going to leave these here.

126
00:06:38,090 --> 00:06:39,160
I promise.

127
00:06:41,660 --> 00:06:44,460
This time, I really
won't move them.

128
00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:50,440
Grandpa?

129
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,370
Mr. Schindler,
the Talmud says,

130
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:55,940
"whoever saves one life
saves the world entire."

131
00:06:55,940 --> 00:06:58,150
I... I could have saved more.

132
00:06:58,150 --> 00:07:01,050
Oscar, you saved over 1,000 Jews

133
00:07:01,050 --> 00:07:03,750
and one man who claims
to be a werewolf.

134
00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:04,950
This watch, I...

135
00:07:04,950 --> 00:07:07,120
I could've bought two more
with this watch.

136
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,420
No.

137
00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:11,460
This car, Goethe offered me
30 Jews for this car,

138
00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:13,630
but I just set
the radio presets the way

139
00:07:13,630 --> 00:07:16,230
I wanted them,
and I turned him down.

140
00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,130
Once, I saved a dozen Jews
but had no money

141
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:24,140
to tip my shoeshine boy,
so I gave him a Jew.

142
00:07:24,140 --> 00:07:26,710
Itzhak, your record player
I gave you...

143
00:07:26,710 --> 00:07:27,940
Yes?

144
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:30,110
The one I nicknamed
little Anna, and you said,

145
00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:31,750
"what a strange name
for a record player,"

146
00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:34,180
and then I chuckled
but didn't explain why.

147
00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:35,450
Just go, Oscar.

148
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:38,250
We'll erect a monument
to you... Or something.

149
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,450
Uh, something modest.

150
00:07:39,460 --> 00:07:41,120
Don't... don't spend
too many Jews.

151
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,020
I'll tell them.
Goodbye.

152
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:51,030
♪

153
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:55,400
There can only be one lord
of the ring, Saruman.

154
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,270
Ugh!

155
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:01,240
The eagles.
My message got through.

156
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,010
It did.
How could we pass up

157
00:08:03,010 --> 00:08:05,010
playing for Gandalf the Grey?

158
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:08,420
Now sit back and take it easy.

159
00:08:08,420 --> 00:08:12,590
Another morning singing to
my beloved, disgusting town.

160
00:08:12,590 --> 00:08:14,650
Great.
French Anne Hathaway is back.

161
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:17,590
If she comes over here,
I'm blind, deaf, and mute,

162
00:08:17,590 --> 00:08:19,060
got it?

163
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:22,560
♪ There goes the beggar
with his remaining limbs ♪

164
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,470
♪ He sold his legs
to buy some pants ♪

165
00:08:25,470 --> 00:08:27,430
♪ The street whores
are the grossest ♪

166
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,040
♪ Syphilised all their noses ♪

167
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,970
♪ Just another normal day
in feudal France ♪

168
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,340
Help us, belle.

169
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,310
Help yourself and learn to read.

170
00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:38,780
♪ There goes the taxman
with his iron shackles ♪

171
00:08:38,780 --> 00:08:41,750
♪ Now watch this asshole
do a dance ♪

172
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,450
♪ The death cart rolls on by ♪

173
00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:45,390
♪ The corpses piled high ♪

174
00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:49,790
♪ Just another normal day
in feudal France ♪

175
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,860
♪ Oh, isn't this disgusting ♪

176
00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:56,600
♪ The well is full of poop
and human pee ♪

177
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:59,570
♪ Oh, isn't it charming ♪

178
00:08:59,570 --> 00:09:03,470
♪ How the children think
they'll live past 23 ♪

179
00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:05,140
♪ Just another normal day ♪

180
00:09:05,140 --> 00:09:06,770
♪ Just another normal day ♪

181
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,540
♪ Just another normal day ♪

182
00:09:08,540 --> 00:09:15,020
♪ Just another freakin' day
in feudal France ♪

183
00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:18,820
Oh, fucking fuck me.

184
00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:20,720
Oh, my god.
The bipods are here.

185
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,020
They're tripods.

186
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,220
Count them, three legs.
Wait.

187
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:25,230
That's not two legs and a penis?

188
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:28,060
Uh, I don't think so, but maybe.

189
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:30,700
Uh, I really think it's a penis.

190
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,600
Ugh, my dick!

191
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,870
Yo, Troy, did you really sign up
for the high-school musical?

192
00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:37,070
Yeah, cool, right?

193
00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:39,210
Hell no, it's not cool.

194
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,540
♪ Dancing is for losers ♪

195
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:46,480
♪ Singing is for dorks ♪

196
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,520
♪ The musical is
a dead art form ♪

197
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,380
♪ Beggars can't be choosers ♪

198
00:09:51,390 --> 00:09:53,220
♪ The only choice is sports ♪

199
00:09:53,220 --> 00:09:55,520
♪ My asshole keeps
the bench warm ♪

200
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,520
♪ Keep your, keep your
brain on the ball ♪

201
00:09:57,530 --> 00:09:59,330
♪ Keep your, keep your
brain on the ball ♪

202
00:09:59,330 --> 00:10:00,860
♪ Keep your, keep your ♪

203
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:03,030
Guys, guys, I'm... I'm confused.

204
00:10:03,030 --> 00:10:04,970
You want me to choose basketball
over the musical?

205
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:05,970
Damn straight.

206
00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:07,870
Dude, listen to the song.

207
00:10:07,870 --> 00:10:09,670
So you're telling me
not to sing,

208
00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:11,740
and you're doing it
in the form of a song.

209
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:13,770
Sounds like someone
needs another verse.

210
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,880
♪ If an athlete chooses music ♪

211
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,940
♪ Light his ass on fire ♪

212
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,780
♪ Kill his parents with a rock ♪

213
00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,180
It's just kind of hypocritical.

214
00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:23,550
That's all I'm saying.

215
00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:25,450
We don't have time to argue
with you all day, man.

216
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:27,620
We told coach we'd help
pass out condoms

217
00:10:27,620 --> 00:10:29,490
with abstinence slogans on them.

218
00:10:29,490 --> 00:10:31,630
- Yeah.
- Abstinence!

219
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,030
♪ Your ass looks great ♪

220
00:10:37,030 --> 00:10:38,060
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

221
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:39,400
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

222
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,400
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

223
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,570
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

224
00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:43,900
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

225
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,740
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

226
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:46,740
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

227
00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,070
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

228
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,080
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪

229
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,250
Ba-gawk! Bawk.