Previously on "Weeds"...
Ham or pepperoni? Ham. Ham.
What do you want? You want money? I want weed.
I hear you get great shit from Afghanistan.
Is Stevie around?
Nance, you're gonna be getting some papers from my lawyer.
Just for school enrollment, to -- to make it legal.
Make what legal? Custody, so he can register for school.
Custody?!
She went to jail for me.
Now she's out, so I'm going to find her.
Where's Silas?
He had stuff he had to do.
Yeah, still mad at me.
Silas: What's inside the radio?
You wouldn't hide it if it was just a radio. I know you.
You want that weed to be here when you come back?
I can't bring it back to the halfway house with me.
Half of that stash is now mine.
I'll cut you in on the profit. I'll be fair.
Doug-inator! [ Laughs ]
Listen, we need you -- on the field and in the boardroom.
Come on. Tell me you're in.
Silas "Gun-nerd."
It's "Gun-nard."
Hi. I'm Maxeen, the artist.
You're -- you're amazing.
I want to feed you and probe your higher self.
Are you hungry?
I'm gonna... get my higher self probed.
You know how it is.
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
What the shit do you want?
Is your mommy home, either of you?
It's important.
I'm sorry. She's out. Sorry.
Okay. Can you tell her I can see her shadow?
She's still out.
Well, great.
Would you relay to your mother when she gets back
that I received the papers she sent
and I would really appreciate -- really appreciate --
the opportunity to see and speak with my son?
He's not here. He's at...
Soccer practice.
Mom told us why you went to jail --
For killing a Mexican,
a defenseless woman Mexican
who died because you killed her.
Did it feel good at all, the killing?
Like, make the pain go away?
I have pain inside me. And darkness.
And there's a voice inside the darkness.
Okay, okay. Okay, Jill, can we come out and be adults now?
[ Bell dings, object clatters ]
Hey! That's my metronome when I play my spoons.
Please. Please!
She says Stevie got the last slot at the Waldorf School.
The deposit is... $2,800.
And the deadline is Friday, so you should send a check.
Certified, biatch.
[ Eerie piano music plays ]
[ Mutters ]
Mm. Hi.
Um, why is your apartment weird and full of danger?
'Cause comfort is the first sign of death.
This place keeps you on guard,
jump-starts your blood flow, increases overall life-span.
I got a grant to build it.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
It's amazing what one misses when crocked on margari--
Oh, hey! Oh!
[ Door closes ]
I'm looking for the other one of these.
Ah, someone's here in the room, right here with us.
Red sock. Looks like this one.
Did you check the hamper?
Yes, I checked the hamper.
Oh!
I'm the husband.
Oh! Husband.
Oh. [ Chuckles ] Excuse me.
Uh, that's cool, man. I know the drill.
I'll come back for my pants.
Uh...
Where's the fuckin' doorknob?
Relax. We're polyamorous.
Oh.
Well, where did you sleep last night?
In the middle.
Of us?
You guys fuck. I'll make eggs.
Those are the custody papers.
You're pro bono, right?
I'm sorry. Did you say something?
You're pro bono.
Oh, right.
No. Basically, I made a killing in the '90s
off of those breast implants
that gave all those women thyroid disease.
So I left the corporate world,
and then I guess this is me giving back.
Oh. If I take your case.
"If"?
Would you like to see
the steward havens trapper keeper of broken dreams?
I-I really think I would.
Basically, my clients tell me their stories
from inside the clink, and -- and I put the best ones
in the steward havens trapper keeper of broken dreams.
I read them when I'm sad or horny...
Or both.
Maybe that's weird.
But you should be focusing on telling me something
worthy of induction into these golden pages.
I can only balance three clients at one time.
And right now, there's one slot open.
That means you're competing against a woman
who made herself queen of cell block "d"
by contracting TB
and sneezing her way up the food chain
and an Ecuadorian
who turned a pigeon into a working time bomb.
[ Imitates explosion ]
M-my cell mate used to make, uh, fermented yam wine
in our toilet.
The feathers. There were so many feathers.
The mob had my Mexican husband killed in prison.
Go on.
They made it look like a hate crime.
The Aryans.
Hired to stab him.
They, uh, ripped his eyes out with a broken domino tile,
and when they were finished, they brought me
[voice breaking] A box with his, uh...
With what? W-what was in the box?
I'm gonna need, um...
Attorney-client privilege in order to continue.
Look, uh, even with my help, you're fucked.
Your sister is the only mom your kid knows.
You can send all the letters you want, but, trust me, they've been shredded.
And babies can't read.
So we're gonna have to show a judge that you're trying.
Has she asked you for anything?
[ Normal voice ] A stupid preschool deposit -- $2,800.
Do you have that kind of money? No. I-I-I can get it.
I don't want to know what that means.
I do.
Okay, um...
I don't.
I do.
Never actually tell me.
Would I have to send it, you know?
Would I have to look at her shit-eating grin and --
No, I'll send it. That's what I'm here for.
Actually, I'd like you to focus in on getting a job.
Right. A real job,
given the terrifically unclear nature of your income.
Now...
Please tell me what the Aryans put into that box.
That's all that I've been thinking of.
Next time.
Silas: What's with all the new shit?
What? I bought a few things.
And you financed this how?
Uh, multiple student loans.
You're applying to school?
There's this "thank me for going to prison for you
by going to college" kind of request on the table,
but I don't think I'm actually gonna go.
Good for you. You don't need to thank her.
Really? 'Cause I'm feeling kind of guilty.
I say you scam that money. Enjoy it.
Get yourself a hot tub. Vespa.
Zero guilt. Okay?
Where are you going?
Nancy wants to see me. Can I come?
It's a business meeting.
Drug business.
It's what our family does, Shane.
Only now we're equal partners.
Since when?
Since last night.
We have a new relationship,
where she treats us like real people,
where we don't have to listen to everything she says
or blindly follow orders.
So, when Nancy tells us to go to college, what do we do?
We buy hot tubs?
Free at last, my brother.
Free at last!
So, I was thinking, if we're gonna be a partnership --
I need you to deal.
That is not a partnership.
That is a "you telling me what to do"-ship.
I'm not gonna deal. We'll hire dealers.
There's no time.
How much would we get if you cashed in what we have now?
In this town, with that quality, 10 grand, easy.
If I were dealing, which I'm not,
'cause I'm not your errand boy -- I'm a businessman.
But if you were going to sell it.
Silas, we have to start somewhere.
Hello? I'm incarcerated. When can you sell it?
Tomorrow, if I try...
And you say, "please."
So, you'll do it.
From that special Chinese place way out in Brooklyn.
I would give you the name, but like you said,
you're incarcerated,
so you'd probably never have time to go.
Let's see -- crunchy noodles in duck sauce,
fried rice.
Wish I'd have gotten enough for both of us, but I didn't.
You seem hostile.
Oh, do I?
I just -- I thought
we were gonna finish our talk from last night.
Maybe apologize for our sins from the past.
And I didn't realize your idea
of a business meeting was asking --
Is -- is there a horse on fire behind me?
This guy -- I think he's a dealer, but I'm not sure.
Look. Don't be obvious.
Freeze! D.E.A.!
Did he turn around? See?
We can be a great team.
[ Horn honks ]
[ Sighs ]
Where are you going?
I have a job interview.
Silas, please.
Yes. Fine.
The stash will be cash by tomorrow.
Um...
I didn't have time to get lunch.
That crispy-duck thing sounded so good.
You can get more, right?
Aw. Thank you, sweetie.
What? Here?
Ah, no can do, Nance.
If I don't have a job, I can't get my kid back.
Do you really want another kid?
Look, softball season starts in a week.
I'm guessing that's the only reason they hired me here.
I can't ask for an assistant now.
[ Sighs ]
I got steroids.
Wow. Rad.
Help me.
Maybe I could slip a few bucks under the table.
You come in twice a week.
No, I need to be in the system --
Pay stubs, W-9S, documentation.
I'm sorry, lady. [ Glass clunks, shatters ]
[ Sighs ] Doug...
Doug. Doug!
I know you're not the smartest, quickest,
most empathetic person,
but it's no secret
that for much of our relationship,
you've been an iron ball attached to my ankle.
I've -- I've carried you around
for a considerable amount of time.
My leg's tired now.
So, if what you're offering me now,
in this, my most desperate moment, is rejection,
I might just freak out here in your office
with your nice new windows, furniture... Okay, okay. Nance. Nancy.
Nance. ...Large picture of you.
Nancy. Tchotchkes. No.
Ow.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're the closest thing I have to family.
I love you, Nancy Botwin.
Look, take some petty cash, go to Bloomies,
get yourself a nice dress, some shoes.
You start tomorrow, legit. Does that sound good?
Okay.
Don't be late.
I won't. Good.
Now stab me in the ass.
There's this video online of Maxeen putting a popsicle
[ Maxeen moans ] Up her lady hole from one of her shows.
Will you help me with this sheet?
They invited me over tomorrow. Do I go?
Why am I hesitating? So what if she has a husband?
I can do freaky. Am I getting old?
Did I die in Copenhagen? I did.
I couldn't speak the language. I died.
Hand me those pillows.
Last night, I dreamed I ate a short, hairy hot dog.
Does that mean I touched him?
No, that means you blew him.
Popsicle represents the ephemeral penis.
Its melting affirms the strength of woman.
I get it. That's beautiful.
She sounds crazy.
[ Chuckles ] I know. Right?
Uh, was that pillowcase Egyptian cotton?
Egyptian cotton is so comfortable.
Comfortable. Maybe I'm -- I'm too comfortable.
Your new bedroom looks expensive.
I didn't get this stuff for me.
[ Maxeen moans ] Good night, Andy.
Night, Shane.
Nancy: Hi.
You have reached the office
of Douglas Wilson
and his assistant, Nancy Botwin.
If you've reached this message,
I am no doubt scrambling around the office,
moments away from answering your very important...
...Very important -- very...important...
...Important phone call.
Code red, Nance. 911. Into my office, pronto.
No, I'm -- but -- Now. Now.
Now.
Okay.
[ Telephone rings ]
Hey. Hey. Who's that guy?
The guy in the suit? No idea.
No. Oh, wait. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, that's -- that's Klein, the C.E.O.
I'm having lunch with Japanese computer executives.
Red like the rising sun
or yellow like their Pac-Man faces?
Does your, uh, cellphone have a camera?
I think so. But -- Okay.
I'll be right back. Nance.
[ Indistinct conversation ]
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Shouting stops ]
Denny, Nancy. Nancy, Denny.
Hi.
Uh, I take the lunch orders.
Tell him what kind of weed you want. He'll get it.
She's cool.
I'll take 1/8 of AK-47, 1/8 of Wet Julie.
Out of Julie. I got gnarly marly, kush.
Kush works. Kush works.
Nancy? I'm buying.
He comes by twice a day, 10:00 and 5:00.
Covers the whole building.
Oh, shit. Is this making you feel awkward?
She used to be a -- Nun.
So, um, it's okay.
Wicked.
Back at 5:00. Have you been working out?
Oh, you noticed, huh?
Nice.
Yeah, I think the steroids are giving me acne.
Hold that thought. [ Camera shutter clicks ]
On the up side, I've lost about an inch on my dick.
So now it's straight.
[ Up-tempo dance music playing in distance ]
Been there, man. It hurts.
They said my fat, chunky face
would distract from their slender fall capris.
What's with that?
I don't know.
But...I offer the cure.
Afgooey. Pure sativa. Bottled at the source.
I already have a dealer.
Yeah, well, you and everybody else in this city.
But trust me... This stuff is gold.
That's the thing, man. It's about trust, okay?
I don't know you. I don't know what you're about.
That could be shit that makes me fucking fatter.
Okay.
How about a free sample?
Why would you give me free pot?
'Cause if you like it, you give me a call and buy some more.
We develop trust. No strings.
Here's my number. Put it in your phone.
Thanks.
Hey. Could I get some of that?
Klein: Have dinner with me tonight?
Are you talking to me?
I am definitely talking to you.
Oh. Uh...
[ Beeps ] Flattered.
What's the C.E.O. doing in the copy room?
Not making copies.
No, he's not.
So...
Nobu, 8:00.
I-I would like to keep my job.
Well, you're allowed to say no.
I'm not saying no. I'm saying...
What am I saying?
You're saying, "Fuck off."
Uh, no. Am I? Yeah.
I don't think so. Definitely not.
I'm saying not tonight... Or this week.
Like your shoes.
Thanks. You bought 'em for me -- petty cash.
Oh. Sorry.
That's coming out of your paycheck.
Right, right.
What you got there?
Oh, stuff.
Market research.
Got to stay ahead of the competition.
Uh-huh.
Doug, what time is it?
5 inches. And 5:00. Why?
Oops.
[ Siren wailing in distance ]
Man: What the hell?
♪ Wow wow wow ♪
♪ funk, funk, funk, funk, funk ♪
You guys have been married a while, huh?
16 years.
Charles was my English professor.
That's adorable.
And this place,
this amazing, life-extending apartment --
How is that working for you, Charles?
I love it. Great. Yeah.
'Cause you're like 85 or 90, right?
I'm looking for pigeon eggs.
Oh. Of course.
Uh, when do you go away?
Does our relationship make you uncomfortable?
I had a moment of panic last night
where I said, "Am I uncomfortable about this?
"And if so, what does that mean?
"Perhaps I need to look inward
and ask the big blah-di-blah questions."
So I did that for five minutes,
and, long story short, that's not the case.
I'm just freaked out by you specifically.
Andy -- And, obviously, you're not my sexual rival,
what with your penis being a soft void filled with sonnets,
while mine is full of proud smurfs
banging tiny blue hammers against my balls.
Andy -- And last night,
there was a dream about a hot dog.
Did I, uh -- did I suck you off?
Andy... What's up?
I have cancer.
What?
The bumpy floors, the life-extending apartment,
the danger room -- she built that for me.
Oh. Ohhhh.
I'm with you, pal.
It's in my pancreas.
Wow. You're not old. You're just dying.
I'm an asshole. You were right.
I'm not your rival.
It's not a competition.
We're polyamorous because she's...
She's amazing.
And, um, it's what she wants.
And I don't want to leave her alone.
She's trying to save you, and you're trying to save her.
Can you work with that?
[ Moans ]
♪ Drink it down ♪
♪ nice and slow ♪
♪ it makes you feel good ♪
♪ real good ♪ [ Moaning ]
♪ Make your move ♪
♪ feel the groove ♪
♪ you know you look good ♪
♪ fizzy yum yum yum yum yum ♪
♪ fizzy yum yum ♪ [ Gasping ]
♪ Fizzy yum yum yum yum yum ♪
♪ fizzy yum yum ♪
Oh, I was looking for that.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
Oh. Copy room.
Nancy.
About earlier...
Oh, inappropriate but harmless.
No, no, no, no. I was wrong. Seriously, do you want the shoes back?
'Cause I feel terrible.
I never would have asked you out if I'd known
you were one of these crazy, uptight, militant, antidrug bitches.
That's just a little intense for me.
And you shouldn't be abusing the xerox
for your personal agenda.
Oh.
Um, I didn't -- I'm not -- I love sushi.
Nobu. 8:00, did you say?
'Cause I-I can make that happen.
I got to run.
Keep the shoes.
[ Door opens ]
Where's your brother?
I made you something.
Mm. Last time you said that, I got a macaroni necklace.
Um, no -- uh, a terrorist video.
I figured when you're out of the halfway house,
you'll need a place to crash,
so I tried to remember what the Agrestic bedroom looked like.
Was I close?
It's, uh...Wow.
Where did you --
I couldn't remember if your bed was a king or a queen.
It was a queen.
Oh, crap. Are you sure?
Where did you get the money to -- to pay for all this?
And as I ask that --
I applied for a loan, some loans, for college.
You can't --
All this has to go back.
That money was supposed to go towards school, like I said.
So, you don't like it?
Oh, God. What were you thinking?
I was trying to say thank you. For what?
Hey.
The Agrestic bedroom.
And how rich do you think we used to be?
We got all that stuff at -- at J.C. Penney.
You put this together?
You were right. I should have bought a Vespa.
Today, I opened up 31 Broad Street, downtown.
The whole building? Yeah.
Possibly the block surrounding it.
Maybe parts of Staten Island, if the winds are favorable.
There's -- there's gonna be a lot of demand.
I need you to come by tomorrow.
Bring everything you have left.
I don't have anything left.
Really?
Yeah. I'm out.
Oh, you have your mother's work ethic.
Can I have the cash?
Well, there is no cash yet.
From selling the drugs.
There's no cash from selling the drugs.
There's always cash from selling the drugs.
That's why we sell drugs.
Not when you give them away for free.
Why would we...
Oh, you didn't.
It's called a loss leader.
You sell a product at a loss to increase future sales.
It's good business.
I need money now!
Not the promise of money -- actual money.
I owe your aunt a-a preschool payment by Friday.
[ Cellphone ringing ] If I can't provide that,
I am double-dipped in three shades of f-f-f-fuck!
Your cellphone is ringing!
I know. [ Sighs ]
42 new voice mails.
42 new clients.
I got orders on here for twice what we let go.
I am better at this than you know.
[ Sighs ]
We're gonna need more supply --
A lot more.
This supply that you speak of --
Can't exactly put it on a MasterCard.
Did you think about that?
Well, uh... What should we do?
Shane! Shane!
Yeah?
How much, um, cash do you have?
I don't know. Like a grand.
Yeah. Could you go get it, please?
Why?
'Cause I need it.
We need it.
[ Sighs ]
I don't want you to go back to prison.
It's my fault you went there once.
Sweetie, I love you so much,
and this room -- I-I do like this room.
I'd be honored to sleep here --
I want it back, plus 20%.
What about your loan checks?
I only got one so far,
and you said those are for school and hot tubs.
I know what I said. Thank you, sweetie.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah, whatever.
[ Man singing in Pashtu ]
[ Vehicle passes ]
[ Conversation in Pashtu ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Explosion ]
So, there's been a glitch in the supply chain.
What's that mean, a glitch?
I'm not saying I can't get you weed. I can.
But it's gonna be at least another month.
I don't have another month. Is there someone you can call?
It's fuckin' Afghanistan. Who do you want me to call?
Then g-give me your weed.
No, these are my last three joints.
How much do you want for them?
Got to give it a month.
Come on, baby.
[ Sighs ]
[ Crying ] Shayla: That's Stevie crying
'cause mom told him he couldn't' go to Waldorf now
Taylor: Because the deposit money your creepy lawyer promised
never showed up.
And since that's the school all his friends are going to,
he won't be able to play with them.
I'm sure he'll get over it.
I never had any friends, and I turned out fine.
[ Spoons clicking ]
Maybe your mother could pay for it.
Oh, she will.
She just wanted you to see the disappointment you caused
before she made it all better.
It's okay, Stevie. Don't cry.
Jenny's going.
Brendan's going.
Victoria's going.
Mark is going.
Amy's going.
[ Clock ticking, spoons clicking ] Matthew's going.
Carly's going.
Dave's going.
[ Bell dings ]
[ Mid-tempo soul music plays ]
Sync & corrected by honeybunny