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Weeds 502:
Machetes Up Top
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By the Fumistes team.
lesfumistes@gmail.com
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He's not here.
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What do you want?
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Coffee.
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- Where's Esteban?
- He's busy.
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- I'm here to keep you company.
- I don't need company.
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He thinks you do.
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Really?
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I never really imagined
I'd be saying this in real life,
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but call off your goon.
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Call me. I need to talk to you.
We need to talk.
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I have to know what's going on.
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He hasn't made up his mind yet.
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You look a little green.
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Ginger settles the stomach.
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Ginger. I'll try that.
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Like a cartoon.
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That's not respectful.
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- You're religious?
- Selectively.
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The whole "thou shalt not kill" thing
probably not working out for you, huh?
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And I support gay marriage.
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Your visit has been a sheer delight.
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But I have errands... mani-pedi,
got to pick up some stretch-mark cream.
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I'm gonna get dressed.
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You're gonna keep me company.
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I will keep you company.
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Typical Nancy.
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Typical Nancy.
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As if I have no life and I couldn't
possibly be doing anything important.
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- Ham or pepperoni?
- Ham.
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As if I'm running a hotel here.
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Girls, will you sit down
at the counter?
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It's as if we're awake
all night like vampires.
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- Catfish.
- What?
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- Catfish are nocturnal.
- So are hedgehogs.
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As if we're catfish or hedgehogs.
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Careful.
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Yum-yum.
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Should we get up?
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In a minute. Are they looking?
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Why? Are you naked?
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Just a little...
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alert.
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What? It happens.
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Comfy couch...
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happy dreams.
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- They're awake.
- Oh, hi.
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Morning.
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How did you sleep?
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Were you warm enough?
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Andy was.
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Okay. Here we go, girls.
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Hey, Andy and...
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- my nephew.
- Shane.
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Yeah, Shane, right.
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- Good to see you, Scott.
- Fantastic. Nancy here?
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No, she couldn't make it.
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- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah, in a sec.
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Great. That's great.
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Time, twins.
Lock and load. Let's go.
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- I want all of this eaten.
- Listen, great seeing you guys.
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Get yourselves some sun.
You're in California, for pete's sake.
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They live in California, Scott.
We've been to their house.
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We've moved,
but we're still in California.
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I'll fill you in later.
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All right, girls.
Let's go. Come on.
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I didn't know,
'cause Nancy doesn't talk to me.
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Would you like a hot pocket?
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Can you go for a walk or something?
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At least get out of the way.
Sit down.
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No, no, just sitting.
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Yeah, it's time.
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- He needs the fish.
- The fish.
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You need the fish.
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Inside. Put inside, put inside.
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Fishy eat dead skin.
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$45.
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What? Bikini wax.
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You interested? It's my treat.
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It hurts like hell,
but Esteban really likes it.
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I know how you like
to please the boss.
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Back in a few.
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Hey, relax. Sit down.
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You like the fishy?
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- Not yet finish!
- $45!
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So, Lisa Palmisano,
the little bitch with the shiny shoes
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who was Christine's friend
who sat behind me in math...
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She sees the cake and she says,
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"that's what we should call you...
chunkball fairycake."
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- Now, that's her prerogative...
- Wait.
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Wait.
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Is this it? Are we home?
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Well, there's a creek right there,
irrigation.
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And we've been walking for...
What grade are you up to?
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Sixth.
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We're far enough in.
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This...
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- This could be good.
- Oh, thanks God.
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Look at that.
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Hello, butterfly.
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Silas, come check this out.
You're gonna miss it.
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Come here.
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Alight upon me.
Alight upon me.
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Fucker.
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What are you doing?
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You draining the main vein?
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Get out of here.
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Lacey Laplante.
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The name threw me off.
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They check I.D. when you come in.
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They make you fill out forms.
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You always did know
how to keep your ass covered.
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You bring me Krispy Kremes?
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I'll send you a care package,
just like you sent me.
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Why no camera in Jesus
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this time?
I could've put on another show for you.
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Why don't you just tell me a story?
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A story about what?
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A gringa princess who
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calls her DEA buddy
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and gets a magical tunnel shut down.
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I don't know that story.
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I know the one about the old woman
lived in a giant shoe.
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Don't play cute, Blanca,
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you steeped over the line this time.
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You wanna act like a big boy,
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you gonna get treated
like a big boy.
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Yeah, I don't think I ever acted nor
desired to be treated like a big boy.
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That's right.
You're all cunt, ain't ya?
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Yeah, and titties.
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Speaking of which,
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is it true that in prison
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sometimes the bottom guys
get tattoos of titties on their backs
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so that the big daddies can imagine
they're looking at a woman
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when they're raping them?
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Do you know about that?
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I know you're the rat.
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And rats die.
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You might not want
to cause me stress.
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I'm in a very delicate state.
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Can you see I'm glowing?
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You got me.
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Here I was thinking you're smart.
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But you're a fool.
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Ain't no ring on that finger.
You're not the wife.
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You're the knocked-up
puta whore rat.
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She end up in a landfill.
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Lady parts all chopped out,
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face all unrecognizable.
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You were an interesting person
to know, Nancy Botwin.
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Get your affairs in order, Blanca.
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I'm not the one
you got to worry about.
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Fuck off.
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- I fucking hate this place!
- This is about her, isn't it?
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Oh, buck up, sourpuss.
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You are so much better off
without Quinn.
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You're a rebel leader.
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Do you know
how many women are into that?
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Why do you want to be with somebody
who treats you like shit?
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Because I love her, okay?
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Or...
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are you just telling yourself
that you do?
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'Cause that's what I used to do.
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I mean, I gave birth to her,
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I am supposed to love her.
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But she always has
this expression like
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she's smelling bad cheese.
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- What is that?
- I don't know.
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There are so many
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non-cheese-sniffing girls
out there for you.
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Why are you still here?
You remind me of her.
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I am nothing like her.
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How could you even compare me
to that little bitch?
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I'm sorry. You know,
you just make women want to hit you.
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Go.
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You leave. You're worth nothing.
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- Really? I can go?
- The sooner the better.
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There is some stuff going on.
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I can't get involved in her stuff.
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I mean, if she's spent all her money
on shoes and dresses...
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Get the other end, please.
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If she totaled the car
and didn't have insurance
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or had an affair with a married guy
and needs to recover at a spa...
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She witnessed a Korean gang war
in a parking lot...
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of a golf superstore.
187
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It was mafia.
Choi brothers against the Sun Hoo clan.
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Started with nunchucks,
escalated to glocks.
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It's a very old rivalry,
still bitterly cantankerous.
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Began over a girl: Mitzi Sun Hoo.
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Name means "fragile flower."
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She was engaged to a Choi
and then fell for a Sun Hoo.
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The point is, there was a shootout,
Nancy saw it.
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00:11:37,153 --> 00:11:39,154
So she's got to lay low
until the trial,
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if she decides to testify. You know,
she wants to, of course, but...
196
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The price is high. So if you could
keep Shane, that would really help.
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Keep him safe,
away from the Sun Hoos...
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and the Chois.
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Sure.
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No problem.
201
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- I'm gonna open a bottle of wine.
- Thanks.
202
00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:17,177
I could be in Mexico right now,
203
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surveying my crops
204
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and drinking legally.
205
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Not my fault.
206
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Entirely your fault.
207
00:12:27,867 --> 00:12:29,890
Look at this. Visitors.
208
00:12:30,623 --> 00:12:32,624
What brings you boys
this far into the forest?
209
00:12:32,792 --> 00:12:34,038
Naturalists.
210
00:12:34,707 --> 00:12:36,378
- Just hiking.
- Come on.
211
00:12:36,546 --> 00:12:38,714
You can do better than that.
What, bird watchers?
212
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,716
- Butterflies.
- Butterflies?
213
00:12:40,884 --> 00:12:43,051
- Northern butterflies.
- Even better.
214
00:12:44,081 --> 00:12:46,265
You guys got a little net in there?
215
00:12:46,961 --> 00:12:47,806
Let's see.
216
00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:53,770
I think I found
217
00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:56,023
a beautiful butterfly right here.
218
00:12:56,451 --> 00:12:58,609
Look, we're just looking
for a place to grow.
219
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:00,151
We didn't have any idea...
220
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,862
This is unusual.
221
00:13:02,799 --> 00:13:06,370
Indica/sativa blends,
afghani origin, original strain... mine.
222
00:13:06,723 --> 00:13:10,329
Went through six or seven variations
before I came up with that one.
223
00:13:10,688 --> 00:13:11,702
You know,
224
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usually in this situation...
225
00:13:16,894 --> 00:13:18,168
What's your name?
226
00:13:22,959 --> 00:13:25,844
I could shoot you right now
and dump you in the creek.
227
00:13:26,878 --> 00:13:29,091
- You and your dad.
- My dad's dead.
228
00:13:29,536 --> 00:13:31,016
We're friends, family friends.
229
00:13:31,271 --> 00:13:32,476
It's a whole story.
230
00:13:32,826 --> 00:13:33,898
Not sexual.
231
00:13:34,023 --> 00:13:35,437
My dad's dead, too.
232
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,817
Linstead, untie our compatriots.
233
00:13:44,022 --> 00:13:44,863
Thank me.
234
00:13:46,209 --> 00:13:47,209
Thank you.
235
00:13:49,209 --> 00:13:51,328
All right, well,
these are mine now, Silas.
236
00:13:51,496 --> 00:13:54,664
I'll treat them well, don't worry.
Your work is not in vain, okay?
237
00:13:55,086 --> 00:13:58,651
Now both of you get the fuck out of here
before I have to shoot you in the head.
238
00:13:58,776 --> 00:13:59,711
Be free.
239
00:14:00,648 --> 00:14:02,202
You're taking all of them?
240
00:14:05,398 --> 00:14:06,571
Okay. Got it.
241
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:13,016
Who the fuck knows
what would make him happy?
242
00:14:13,642 --> 00:14:17,628
All I know is, no matter,
you know, how much I sacrifice or...
243
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:20,899
how hard I work...
Can you open that?
244
00:14:21,397 --> 00:14:22,895
He never even sees it.
245
00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:25,587
It's as if it all happens magically.
246
00:14:25,712 --> 00:14:29,187
Little elves help the girls
with their homework
247
00:14:29,312 --> 00:14:32,518
and drive them
to irish step-dancing class
248
00:14:32,643 --> 00:14:34,287
and fill the fridge
249
00:14:34,455 --> 00:14:35,830
and make the beds.
250
00:14:35,998 --> 00:14:39,164
- When I think of what I gave up...
- With no "thank you," I'm sure, right?
251
00:14:39,289 --> 00:14:41,465
No "I really, really
appreciate you, Andy."
252
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,829
No, "I'm so glad
that you're here for the kids, Jill."
253
00:14:44,954 --> 00:14:46,921
No, of course not!
254
00:14:47,589 --> 00:14:48,712
You know why?
255
00:14:48,837 --> 00:14:50,762
They're takers.
Both of them, really.
256
00:14:50,930 --> 00:14:53,650
They take, and they bike.
I had a life, okay?
257
00:14:53,775 --> 00:14:54,765
I had a job.
258
00:14:54,934 --> 00:14:55,892
I had friends.
259
00:14:56,060 --> 00:14:57,811
But they're all gone, right?
260
00:14:57,979 --> 00:14:59,938
And for what?
Really, why?
261
00:15:00,106 --> 00:15:03,278
So we can be magical elves?
Am I talking too much?
262
00:15:03,526 --> 00:15:05,485
They don't care
that we're the elves that we are.
263
00:15:05,653 --> 00:15:07,642
- 'Cause they're so cute.
- We're cute, too.
264
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:10,152
And don't take this the wrong way,
because I do love her.
265
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,283
She's my sister.
But she's miserable.
266
00:15:12,451 --> 00:15:15,286
Am I talking too much?
She's a miserable cunt, you know.
267
00:15:15,454 --> 00:15:18,790
And the thing is, she plays the victim,
but she has time to put mascara on.
268
00:15:18,958 --> 00:15:20,482
I'm the real victim.
269
00:15:21,339 --> 00:15:25,331
And you're... you're a victim, too,
because she doesn't appreciate you.
270
00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:28,800
And your cute... ness.
271
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,579
You have...
272
00:15:32,253 --> 00:15:33,342
an eyelash.
273
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,078
No, you know what?
It's just your skin.
274
00:15:39,145 --> 00:15:43,149
No, you deserve to be appreciated,
and me too, you know, because...
275
00:15:45,165 --> 00:15:48,150
it's just been a long time
since I was appreciated.
276
00:15:51,767 --> 00:15:53,371
I can appreciate that.
277
00:16:02,591 --> 00:16:04,961
- Is there any food around here?
- The mall.
278
00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:08,590
You can't miss it. Just go to the end
of the driveway, and you make a right.
279
00:16:10,905 --> 00:16:11,905
Off you go.
280
00:16:19,342 --> 00:16:20,510
Hi, I don't...
281
00:16:24,436 --> 00:16:26,885
So, in there,
you'll find my life-insurance policy,
282
00:16:27,010 --> 00:16:29,611
a list of most of the places
I've hidden money.
283
00:16:30,825 --> 00:16:34,410
- Are you even listening to me?
- Insurance, hidden cash. I heard you.
284
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:35,825
What do you think?
285
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:39,287
I've been stashing these babies
in E.R. waiting rooms.
286
00:16:39,564 --> 00:16:40,650
I expect big things.
287
00:16:40,775 --> 00:16:42,790
Gave yourself
quite a healthy head of black hair.
288
00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:46,908
I think it adds
a certain Atticus Finch quality.
289
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:49,172
I've also hidden money
on the upstairs landing,
290
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:51,507
in the jukebox,
back behind the records.
291
00:16:51,675 --> 00:16:53,468
The photoshopped hair
is too much, isn't it?
292
00:16:53,636 --> 00:16:55,377
Lovely, however,
I'd like you to focus
293
00:16:55,502 --> 00:16:57,847
on the potential sudden
and unfortunate death of Nancy.
294
00:16:58,015 --> 00:16:59,557
- If you don't mind.
- Yes, right.
295
00:17:00,029 --> 00:17:00,892
Of course.
296
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:04,103
- Do you want me to update the custody?
- Yes.
297
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,689
Silas becomes
Shane's legal guardian.
298
00:17:06,857 --> 00:17:07,857
Got it.
299
00:17:09,971 --> 00:17:10,971
Excuse me.
300
00:17:14,073 --> 00:17:15,368
Dean Hodes' office.
301
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,450
- Please hold.
- If something happens to me,
302
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,911
you'll take care of this
for Silas and Shane, okay?
303
00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:22,663
Something happens?
Where are you going, skydiving?
304
00:17:23,034 --> 00:17:25,625
None of your business.
Just make sure it's all taken care of.
305
00:17:26,032 --> 00:17:27,428
I'm counting on you.
306
00:17:30,992 --> 00:17:34,383
Just out of curiosity
and poor self-image,
307
00:17:35,865 --> 00:17:36,865
why me?
308
00:17:39,171 --> 00:17:40,670
Because I trust you...
309
00:17:41,598 --> 00:17:43,244
'Cause you're a parent...
310
00:17:43,686 --> 00:17:46,229
'Cause you're the only person
I could find on such short notice.
311
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:49,780
I think the hair is too much.
312
00:17:53,721 --> 00:17:54,786
No, no.
313
00:17:54,911 --> 00:17:56,448
Chair up-a away-o.
314
00:17:56,799 --> 00:17:57,865
Put these here.
315
00:17:58,221 --> 00:17:59,221
Up here.
316
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,726
Why are you still here?
317
00:18:02,763 --> 00:18:05,275
I was hoping to have all this done
before you got here,
318
00:18:05,457 --> 00:18:07,333
but, well, here it is.
319
00:18:11,823 --> 00:18:14,904
Good organization calms people.
320
00:18:15,391 --> 00:18:18,094
It's a fact... order is soothing.
321
00:18:18,641 --> 00:18:19,782
So...
322
00:18:21,703 --> 00:18:22,473
voilą.
323
00:18:22,830 --> 00:18:24,577
I have organized.
324
00:18:24,985 --> 00:18:27,178
Aqui, bullets...
325
00:18:27,358 --> 00:18:30,106
in descending order of caliber.
326
00:18:30,416 --> 00:18:31,649
Down on this shelf,
327
00:18:31,817 --> 00:18:34,902
empty magazines and grenade shells.
328
00:18:35,071 --> 00:18:36,654
Down here, all handguns.
329
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,850
Then machetes and knives,
330
00:18:40,174 --> 00:18:43,202
separated by blade length.
331
00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:46,369
Some of the other stuff around here
I wasn't sure about,
332
00:18:46,494 --> 00:18:48,124
like where do you put this?
333
00:18:48,292 --> 00:18:49,292
You know?
334
00:18:57,125 --> 00:18:58,125
What?
335
00:18:58,635 --> 00:18:59,983
Machetes up top?
336
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:01,971
Yeah, you are right.
337
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,570
Machetes up top.
338
00:19:06,105 --> 00:19:06,976
Wait.
339
00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:08,394
Wait, don't go.
340
00:19:08,623 --> 00:19:10,312
Please let me stay.
341
00:19:11,246 --> 00:19:12,614
Let you stay?
342
00:19:15,432 --> 00:19:17,236
I don't have anywhere else to go.
343
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:19,530
Please.
344
00:19:21,139 --> 00:19:22,793
I like it here.
345
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,746
My hair doesn't frizz.
I'm useful.
346
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:28,765
I will organize everything.
347
00:19:28,958 --> 00:19:30,908
Do not make me go back there.
348
00:19:31,217 --> 00:19:33,567
Everyone hates me.
349
00:19:34,526 --> 00:19:36,408
I have no friends.
350
00:19:42,936 --> 00:19:44,136
Selfish bitch!
351
00:19:44,435 --> 00:19:45,622
Nancy's a bitch face.
352
00:19:45,747 --> 00:19:48,011
- Always looking out for herself.
- Fucking bitch!
353
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,955
Oh, Nancy's a bitch face.
354
00:19:51,279 --> 00:19:52,396
Fuckin' Nancy!
355
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:54,231
Fuckin' Nancy!
356
00:20:05,184 --> 00:20:06,534
No smoke in here.
357
00:20:12,029 --> 00:20:15,085
Tell me, what's the one thing
you wouldn't want a person
358
00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:18,047
leaving this Earth
to not have tasted?
359
00:20:18,430 --> 00:20:19,548
You have allergies?
360
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:21,508
You know, no, just bring it on.
361
00:20:22,246 --> 00:20:23,441
Omakase?
362
00:20:23,809 --> 00:20:24,887
Leave it to me.
363
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,764
Another?
364
00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:29,599
Sure.
365
00:20:30,079 --> 00:20:32,177
And you know what?
I'll have a whiskey, too.
366
00:20:32,747 --> 00:20:33,771
And one for you.
367
00:20:34,215 --> 00:20:35,215
Arigato!
368
00:20:44,838 --> 00:20:47,326
When I was 10,
I jumped off the Morristown Bridge.
369
00:20:48,338 --> 00:20:49,620
It was in the newspaper.
370
00:20:50,532 --> 00:20:53,625
"Daredevil girl survives fall."
371
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,282
It wasn't a fall.
372
00:21:01,083 --> 00:21:02,283
It was a leap.
373
00:21:03,807 --> 00:21:05,010
Big difference.
374
00:21:12,684 --> 00:21:13,684
Kampai.
375
00:21:13,994 --> 00:21:14,994
Kampai.
376
00:21:30,744 --> 00:21:32,037
What are you doing here?
377
00:21:38,863 --> 00:21:39,962
Are you drunk?
378
00:21:42,387 --> 00:21:45,332
- No, I'm not drunk.
- I can smell the liquor.
379
00:21:47,744 --> 00:21:49,471
Is that why you slipped my goon?
380
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,040
So you do listen to your messages.
381
00:21:53,433 --> 00:21:56,391
Yes, I've been drinking and smoking,
382
00:21:56,632 --> 00:21:59,184
and I had raw fish.
383
00:22:00,035 --> 00:22:01,233
Very high in mercury.
384
00:22:03,935 --> 00:22:07,656
You should be taking better care
of my baby.
385
00:22:07,825 --> 00:22:08,907
What's the point?
386
00:22:09,517 --> 00:22:12,892
I can't live with this level of stress.
It's killing my baby anyway.
387
00:22:14,378 --> 00:22:15,928
I'm dead mom walking.
388
00:22:18,753 --> 00:22:20,502
When am I gonna end up
in a landfill?
389
00:22:25,195 --> 00:22:26,885
I haven't decided.
390
00:22:32,258 --> 00:22:33,258
Decide.
391
00:22:34,799 --> 00:22:35,684
Go ahead.
392
00:22:36,994 --> 00:22:37,811
Do it.
393
00:22:38,870 --> 00:22:39,870
Decide.
394
00:23:08,545 --> 00:23:09,545
Oh, fuck.
395
00:23:11,095 --> 00:23:11,987
Oh, God.
396
00:23:24,256 --> 00:23:26,276
Fuck. Fuck.
397
00:23:29,433 --> 00:23:32,648
You don't dictate
398
00:23:33,199 --> 00:23:35,585
the terms of this arrangement.
399
00:24:09,449 --> 00:24:10,444
Time to go.