1
00:00:02,619 --> 00:00:03,586
Previously...
2
00:00:04,381 --> 00:00:08,633
All I know is some stiletto-heeled
Mexicunt screeches at you,
3
00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:10,385
and suddenly the marriage is off.
4
00:00:10,553 --> 00:00:13,721
They want me to have this baby totally
off the grid, no birth certificate.
5
00:00:14,239 --> 00:00:18,017
If I disappear, if the baby disappears,
nobody knows, it's Rosemary's Baby.
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,865
We gotta go to Dr. Lehman's.
I have to have this baby right now.
7
00:00:21,950 --> 00:00:23,603
- My boob.
- Deal with it.
8
00:00:26,402 --> 00:00:30,196
I need to ask you a question.
Are you a closer or a loser?
9
00:00:30,550 --> 00:00:33,213
You're Pretty! will front you
all the products that you need
10
00:00:33,338 --> 00:00:35,451
to put yourself on the road
to financial freedom.
11
00:00:35,779 --> 00:00:38,996
Very impressive.
Thanks for involving me, dickhead.
12
00:00:39,166 --> 00:00:41,165
- You're fucking jinx.
- You're a douchebag.
13
00:00:41,335 --> 00:00:42,993
- Everybody down!
- Shit.
14
00:00:43,118 --> 00:00:45,336
- Is this a joke?
- No, it's no joke, fat-ass.
15
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,130
You have the right to remain silent.
16
00:00:47,298 --> 00:00:49,590
I need you to get the baby out of me
as soon as possible.
17
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,801
You're two days away
from your due date.
18
00:00:52,146 --> 00:00:54,178
The father is a drug kingpin,
19
00:00:54,348 --> 00:00:56,222
which could pose a problem
if he decided
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00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,289
to kill its mother
the minute she gives birth.
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00:00:59,414 --> 00:01:00,908
He has your eyes.
22
00:01:15,523 --> 00:01:17,546
Weeds 508
A Distinctive Horn
23
00:01:20,636 --> 00:01:23,150
By the Fumistes team.
lesfumistes[at]gmail.com
24
00:01:40,808 --> 00:01:42,643
This is a very handsome boy.
25
00:01:43,373 --> 00:01:45,563
You must have a very beautiful life.
26
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,983
- Do you want...
- What the fuck are doing?
27
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:51,819
Don't interrupt me, Nancy.
28
00:01:52,630 --> 00:01:53,613
It's impolite.
29
00:01:54,076 --> 00:01:56,407
And breaches in etiquette
make me want to
30
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:58,242
throw things.
31
00:01:59,531 --> 00:02:01,621
Right, mi rey pequeño?
32
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:07,126
Do you want to know
why I've never had children?
33
00:02:07,999 --> 00:02:11,011
Because you'd eat them
and children are super fattening?
34
00:02:11,136 --> 00:02:12,715
Children are inconvenient.
35
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,954
They complicate
even the simplest things.
36
00:02:15,079 --> 00:02:17,175
And they want, and they want,
37
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:20,306
and if you let them,
they'll take everything you have.
38
00:02:21,388 --> 00:02:23,893
This little milk ball was a mistake.
39
00:02:24,383 --> 00:02:27,947
A mistake that would end the career
of a very promising politician.
40
00:02:28,429 --> 00:02:31,234
I am here to correct that mistake.
41
00:02:32,061 --> 00:02:34,946
You can help me,
or you can try to stop me.
42
00:02:35,625 --> 00:02:38,014
Which do you think would be better
for the handsome man
43
00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:39,617
in your beautiful life?
44
00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:54,099
Raylene, I need to talk to you.
45
00:02:54,224 --> 00:02:55,939
There is a Q&A after the seminar,
46
00:02:56,064 --> 00:02:57,927
I'm sure it'll answer
all your questions.
47
00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:00,012
No one is buying this shit.
48
00:03:03,138 --> 00:03:04,848
I'll be just a minute.
49
00:03:06,535 --> 00:03:09,738
It's like the depression out there,
all right?
50
00:03:10,168 --> 00:03:13,078
Women are pinching
their cheeks for blush.
51
00:03:13,203 --> 00:03:15,184
Trannies,
they're staining their lips
52
00:03:15,309 --> 00:03:16,747
with plum juice.
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00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:19,020
I cannot sell makeup
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00:03:19,881 --> 00:03:22,285
when civilization is collapsing.
55
00:03:23,695 --> 00:03:25,192
Cee-Cee!
56
00:03:25,317 --> 00:03:28,429
Economic downturns
are great for beauty.
57
00:03:28,739 --> 00:03:30,668
Poor people wear the most makeup.
58
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,852
Then they're stealing it,
because I can't move anything.
59
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,299
And it's Celia.
60
00:03:36,854 --> 00:03:39,316
Well, I'm not interested in Celia.
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00:03:39,441 --> 00:03:40,970
I'm interested in Cee-Cee.
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00:03:41,677 --> 00:03:42,638
See, Celia
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00:03:42,951 --> 00:03:43,932
is a quitter.
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00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:47,143
But Cee-Cee, she sells a life style.
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00:03:47,856 --> 00:03:50,229
Cee-Cee sells self-esteem
in small doses,
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00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:53,314
a positive reflexion
in a floor-length mirror,
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00:03:53,658 --> 00:03:56,569
confidence, happiness, sex.
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00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,731
Well, bully for Cee-Cee.
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00:03:58,856 --> 00:04:02,278
I am returning your shit product.
70
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,161
I will pay for what I used.
71
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:07,485
Doesn't work that way.
72
00:04:07,610 --> 00:04:09,138
You signed a contract.
73
00:04:09,263 --> 00:04:13,085
Meaning you owe for what you have
and you owe for the deliveries
74
00:04:13,255 --> 00:04:15,231
you'll be receiving
for the next 12 months.
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00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,268
If you break the contract,
if you do not pay what you owe,
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00:04:18,393 --> 00:04:20,536
then you will go to jail
for defrauding our company.
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00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,137
- Is that you want?
- I will not go back there.
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00:04:23,962 --> 00:04:25,473
I will die first.
79
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:28,351
No, you will sell cosmetics first.
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00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:31,479
Come on! You just need
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00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:33,439
to remind Cee-Cee
that she is selling
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00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,249
the You're Pretty! dream,
83
00:04:35,374 --> 00:04:38,174
so that Celia doesn't have to live
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00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:41,049
the "You're ugly and behind bars"
nightmare.
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00:04:44,748 --> 00:04:46,022
Who's pretty?
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00:04:46,147 --> 00:04:47,606
You're Pretty!
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00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:54,710
I am
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00:04:55,154 --> 00:04:56,807
the father of this child.
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00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,183
Not according
to your dear friend Pilar.
90
00:04:59,308 --> 00:05:01,342
And the birth certificate.
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00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,952
She's jut protecting
my public image.
92
00:05:04,692 --> 00:05:06,013
And she has a point.
93
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:10,410
Did you break an ankle
backpedaling that fast?
94
00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:12,645
She threatened our son, your son.
95
00:05:16,023 --> 00:05:18,476
We can leave the father's name blank
96
00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:20,267
until after the election.
97
00:05:20,542 --> 00:05:23,322
- Then...
- Another election and another election.
98
00:05:23,693 --> 00:05:25,700
- I will speak to her.
- She was very clear.
99
00:05:26,121 --> 00:05:29,370
Your name will not appear
on that birth certificate.
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00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:32,145
There'll be no public record
linking you to me,
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00:05:32,270 --> 00:05:33,457
to your son.
102
00:05:33,627 --> 00:05:35,450
I will not allow
another man to sign this.
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00:05:35,575 --> 00:05:36,627
Then you sign it.
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00:05:36,997 --> 00:05:38,874
Tell that cunt to eat shit and die.
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00:05:38,999 --> 00:05:41,215
We'll live happily ever after,
the end.
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00:05:41,629 --> 00:05:42,842
It's not that easy.
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00:05:44,101 --> 00:05:45,616
Because she owns you.
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00:05:48,956 --> 00:05:50,161
But you love me.
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00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:53,060
And I love you.
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00:05:53,778 --> 00:05:55,730
- I'll have Cesar...
- That's okay.
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My family's coming.
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I'll go with them.
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00:06:02,438 --> 00:06:04,572
- I...
- Okay then, Mrs. Botwin.
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00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:08,194
I've got your discharge paperwork
all set up for you.
115
00:06:08,319 --> 00:06:10,972
Just need a few scribbles
on a few dotted lines.
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00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:14,641
Hi, there.
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00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,839
I'll get you a wheelchair up here.
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00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,433
No, I don't...
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00:06:25,172 --> 00:06:28,094
I don't need
a wheel... thing... chair.
120
00:06:29,058 --> 00:06:31,307
Now... Hospital policy, you know.
121
00:06:32,398 --> 00:06:35,788
Did you get that birth certificate form
all filled out for me?
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Fuck it.
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00:06:47,482 --> 00:06:49,428
Great, thank you, baby.
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00:06:55,399 --> 00:06:56,791
Why the hell should I help you?
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00:06:58,135 --> 00:07:00,836
As opposed to the many multinational
corporations you represent?
126
00:07:01,393 --> 00:07:02,838
Business has been just fine.
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00:07:03,329 --> 00:07:06,092
Customers from the tea place next door
been wandering in here by accident?
128
00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:08,849
- Suck it.
- Mr. Hodes, please help us.
129
00:07:08,974 --> 00:07:11,741
We can't get our weed back
without a court order.
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00:07:13,744 --> 00:07:15,267
My rate is $500 an hour.
131
00:07:16,233 --> 00:07:17,603
That better include a rim job.
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00:07:17,927 --> 00:07:21,064
Look, when we're back in business,
we'll lay a couple ounces on you.
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00:07:23,913 --> 00:07:26,392
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
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00:07:26,517 --> 00:07:27,780
and fuck you.
135
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,564
I know what this is about.
You're pissed off
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00:07:30,689 --> 00:07:33,279
because I did not cut you in
on the pot club.
137
00:07:33,404 --> 00:07:35,704
But that's just
'cause you're cursed with schmuckness.
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00:07:37,092 --> 00:07:39,583
- You're an asshole.
- Okay, look...
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00:07:40,450 --> 00:07:41,752
The truth of the matter is,
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00:07:43,462 --> 00:07:45,256
you're cursed with schmuckness.
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00:07:49,214 --> 00:07:51,220
You want my help?
Is that what you want?
142
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,222
Fine, I will help you.
143
00:07:53,622 --> 00:07:54,765
My gosh! Thank you.
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00:07:55,181 --> 00:07:58,894
After I slam his dick
in this drawer.
145
00:08:01,413 --> 00:08:04,400
- Let's go, he's not gonna help.
- No, I will.
146
00:08:04,889 --> 00:08:06,026
Seriously.
147
00:08:06,196 --> 00:08:08,556
But first, his dick, this drawer...
148
00:08:09,503 --> 00:08:10,239
slam.
149
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:14,869
- And then we get the pot back?
- Guaranteed.
150
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,378
- This is bullshit.
- No, it's cool. I can do this.
151
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,699
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- If I'm hard, it won't be so bad.
152
00:08:24,027 --> 00:08:26,044
- Give me a second.
- Take your time.
153
00:08:26,169 --> 00:08:29,592
In the meantime, Silas, I need you
to sign this power-of-attorney form.
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00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:42,563
Great, I will go
see the judge tomorrow.
155
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:43,939
Now...
156
00:08:47,711 --> 00:08:48,736
Ready.
157
00:08:53,926 --> 00:08:55,034
Right up in there.
158
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,300
You're good?
Okay, here we go, one...
159
00:08:58,315 --> 00:08:59,348
two...
160
00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:13,763
Nice job baby-proofing, Shane.
161
00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:16,087
I got the diapers
just like you asked.
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00:09:16,212 --> 00:09:17,723
They're eco-friendly.
163
00:09:18,623 --> 00:09:19,725
It got a name yet?
164
00:09:20,758 --> 00:09:22,394
It's a he and for right now,
165
00:09:22,564 --> 00:09:24,459
he's still baby boy Botwin.
166
00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:27,316
- Do you want to hold him?
- No.
167
00:09:27,724 --> 00:09:30,778
- He's your brother, get used to it.
- I thought you said it wasn't an it.
168
00:09:31,205 --> 00:09:33,237
Fine, get used to him. I gotta...
169
00:09:34,329 --> 00:09:35,861
take a fucking shower.
170
00:09:42,421 --> 00:09:44,917
- He's kind of cute.
- Who cares?
171
00:09:45,433 --> 00:09:47,169
He's probably gonna
want to play soccer.
172
00:09:57,794 --> 00:10:00,307
I've to reclaim
my territory, Superfly.
173
00:10:02,081 --> 00:10:03,637
You mean the piece of land
174
00:10:03,762 --> 00:10:06,104
that my grandmother
left to my thieving father
175
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,691
to whom I am now
the closest living relative?
176
00:10:09,437 --> 00:10:11,313
You in my house, lady.
177
00:10:13,603 --> 00:10:14,863
I have a baby.
178
00:10:15,394 --> 00:10:18,617
There's a lovely empty bedroom
just across the hall.
179
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,540
With your name on it.
180
00:10:21,449 --> 00:10:22,788
Funny you should say that.
181
00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:25,291
- What do you mean?
- It means...
182
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,939
I just got an interesting call
183
00:10:28,542 --> 00:10:31,262
a little while ago,
from a lady at the hospital.
184
00:10:31,538 --> 00:10:34,424
Phoned me to tell me
about their new daddy classes,
185
00:10:34,919 --> 00:10:36,464
perhaps I should check them out.
186
00:10:36,589 --> 00:10:39,263
I was of course confused.
Asked her if she had the right person.
187
00:10:39,817 --> 00:10:41,780
"Is this Andrew Botwin," says she.
188
00:10:41,905 --> 00:10:43,157
"Why, yes!" I reply,
189
00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:45,394
as I usually do
to that particular question.
190
00:10:45,982 --> 00:10:47,730
So, riddle me this.
191
00:10:48,306 --> 00:10:51,782
Why would some lady from the hospital
you were just discharged from
192
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:55,195
be under the impression
that I'm a new daddy?
193
00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:58,657
I couldn't put Esteban's name
on the birth certificate.
194
00:10:59,066 --> 00:11:00,409
So you put my name on it.
195
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:02,854
Congratulations.
196
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,122
A little presumptuous,
don't you think?
197
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,778
No, you're always talking
about how you want to...
198
00:11:08,763 --> 00:11:10,933
carry on the Botwin name.
199
00:11:11,058 --> 00:11:12,796
Mazel tov, you're a father.
200
00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:14,462
No, I'm not.
201
00:11:14,961 --> 00:11:17,092
And I'm not signing a fucking thing.
202
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:19,094
What is the big deal?
It's a piece of paper.
203
00:11:19,264 --> 00:11:23,244
It's not a piece of paper.
It's a fucking birth certificate.
204
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,893
The kid's first I.D.
205
00:11:26,332 --> 00:11:29,980
You want to make it a fake one.
Way to start him off on a life of crime.
206
00:11:30,644 --> 00:11:31,523
Come on.
207
00:11:31,693 --> 00:11:33,692
I'm through playing
baby-daddy to your kids.
208
00:11:35,926 --> 00:11:37,529
Andy, I don't have anybody else.
209
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,201
Whose fault is that?
210
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,174
You gotta get me
out of this contract.
211
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,760
- Is this thing scented?
- Jesus, Dean!
212
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,859
Isabel would like to go to college.
213
00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,973
You can't be spending
the last dime you have on weed.
214
00:12:06,832 --> 00:12:08,268
No, that belongs to a client.
215
00:12:09,236 --> 00:12:13,179
This contract is signed,
countersigned and notarized.
216
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:16,485
- Looks like you're fucked.
- Isn't there something you can do?
217
00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:18,070
I can get you high.
218
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,364
No, I'm clean.
Do you have any booze?
219
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,372
I got some scotch.
220
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:25,077
Don't... Come on. God.
221
00:12:31,302 --> 00:12:33,877
So tell me, who is this client?
222
00:12:34,281 --> 00:12:36,588
I can't divulge
privileged information.
223
00:12:37,018 --> 00:12:38,799
But it rhymes
with "drug" and "hilas."
224
00:12:39,721 --> 00:12:41,736
Their "pop" club got "rusted."
225
00:12:42,026 --> 00:12:45,264
They need me to get their "schmarijuana"
back from the "grolice."
226
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,684
Of course, they have
a roomful of "shmarijuana"
227
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,686
and I have a roomful
of You're Pretty!.
228
00:12:51,029 --> 00:12:53,439
I'm so fucked. I sell a product
229
00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:55,566
that nobody wants.
230
00:12:55,979 --> 00:12:57,253
And you,
231
00:12:57,976 --> 00:13:00,989
you have all of this pot
232
00:13:01,282 --> 00:13:03,744
that belongs to fucking...
233
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:05,784
assholes.
234
00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:08,875
Hilas is not an asshole.
He's a nice kid.
235
00:13:09,499 --> 00:13:10,761
Really, he is?
236
00:13:12,672 --> 00:13:14,463
What did Silas pay you
237
00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:16,962
for all of your valuable
legal advice, Dean?
238
00:13:17,754 --> 00:13:19,548
- I'm smoking it.
- Tell me something.
239
00:13:19,871 --> 00:13:23,177
Are you a closer or are you a loser?
240
00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:25,636
I like to close drawers.
241
00:13:26,377 --> 00:13:29,767
Well, close the drawer then
and open your mind.
242
00:13:30,595 --> 00:13:31,977
I could sell
243
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,642
a lot more makeup
244
00:13:34,337 --> 00:13:37,191
if I give a free gift with purchase.
245
00:13:39,002 --> 00:13:40,736
I... I can't steal their weed.
246
00:13:41,206 --> 00:13:44,114
Just tell them that you got
ripped off by black people.
247
00:13:44,437 --> 00:13:47,242
- They won't buy that.
- They will when they see the bruises.
248
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:49,369
What bruises?
249
00:13:52,323 --> 00:13:53,457
Putz.
250
00:13:54,272 --> 00:13:56,458
You know, I admire you.
251
00:13:56,957 --> 00:13:57,961
Go away.
252
00:13:58,131 --> 00:13:59,351
This is my spot.
253
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,415
Despite the backwards nature
of your convictions,
254
00:14:02,540 --> 00:14:04,305
you're tenacious and that bespeaks
255
00:14:04,430 --> 00:14:06,970
a certain something of something,
so bravo.
256
00:14:07,789 --> 00:14:10,974
- Which side are you on?
- On the side of sticking to one's guns.
257
00:14:11,287 --> 00:14:12,940
I finally said no to her.
258
00:14:13,299 --> 00:14:14,157
Oh, God!
259
00:14:14,282 --> 00:14:17,981
The wave of relief that washed over me,
weird protestor guy.
260
00:14:18,578 --> 00:14:19,483
I'm buoyant.
261
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:20,668
I'm a buoy.
262
00:14:22,149 --> 00:14:23,779
Bluebirds on my shoulders.
263
00:14:25,951 --> 00:14:28,325
- How's Nancy? Is the baby okay?
- Baby murderer.
264
00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:29,743
25 feet, Gayle.
265
00:14:30,475 --> 00:14:34,383
The baby's fine.
A thousand suns in those chubby cheeks.
266
00:14:35,571 --> 00:14:37,134
You're wearing armor.
267
00:14:37,259 --> 00:14:39,753
- You can never be too careful.
- And you're smoking.
268
00:14:40,407 --> 00:14:42,405
Sometimes you can be too careful.
269
00:14:43,197 --> 00:14:44,899
Can I help you with something?
270
00:14:46,294 --> 00:14:48,804
You want to go out?
I'll buy you dinner. I shaved.
271
00:14:49,737 --> 00:14:51,765
- When?
- Just now, right before I came.
272
00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:53,934
When do you want to go out?
273
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,353
Tonight.
274
00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,109
Pick me up here at 7:00.
275
00:14:59,728 --> 00:15:02,568
- How will I know your car?
- It has a distinctive horn.
276
00:15:03,482 --> 00:15:05,634
You're in the cross hairs
of the righteous.
277
00:15:05,759 --> 00:15:08,233
Ignore the dark warnings
at your own peril!
278
00:15:08,632 --> 00:15:12,006
Take a Claritin, Gayle.
Today's pollen count is off the charts.
279
00:15:13,315 --> 00:15:15,289
- I'll see you at 7:00.
- Yes.
280
00:15:17,593 --> 00:15:18,875
She likes me.
281
00:15:19,045 --> 00:15:21,263
She's gonna burn in hell
for all of eternity.
282
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,756
I'd rather laugh
with the sinners, Gayle.
283
00:15:25,412 --> 00:15:26,428
For now.
284
00:15:37,764 --> 00:15:39,521
Lupita, thank you.
285
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:40,944
Good timing!
286
00:15:41,069 --> 00:15:44,776
William Moris just merged with Endeavor
and Mr. Kaplan, out on his ass.
287
00:15:48,485 --> 00:15:50,073
Look like a dyke bar.
288
00:15:50,420 --> 00:15:54,161
- I haven't had time to redecorate yet.
- So where is my bedroom?
289
00:15:54,795 --> 00:15:56,775
We're a little short on bedrooms.
290
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,918
Upstairs, your bedroom's upstairs.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
291
00:16:02,472 --> 00:16:05,005
I had my last baby when I was 52.
292
00:16:05,503 --> 00:16:08,008
The women in my family
bleed forever.
293
00:16:09,395 --> 00:16:10,844
- How old are you?
- 37.
294
00:16:11,495 --> 00:16:12,888
So, the baby?
295
00:16:13,316 --> 00:16:15,891
- One-night stand?
- A little more complicated than that.
296
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,727
- Maybe he leave his wife.
- Even more complicated.
297
00:16:19,274 --> 00:16:21,104
Good to see you, Nancy.
298
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:23,231
You pay me cash, you feed me,
299
00:16:23,612 --> 00:16:25,025
I no work on Sundays
300
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:27,361
or when Secretos Houston is on TV.
301
00:16:27,745 --> 00:16:29,279
- Done.
- No cleaning,
302
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,781
no laundry, just baby.
303
00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,577
- Done.
- I like it, this is nice.
304
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,538
Ocean...
Maybe I start surfing again.
305
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,334
Dios mío! Shane!
306
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,503
- So tall!
- Hi, Lupita.
307
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,004
- You surf too?
- No.
308
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,547
- I teach you.
- Okay.
309
00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:50,509
- Surfing lessons extra.
- Of course they are.
310
00:16:55,885 --> 00:16:57,400
- Oregon.
- Yeah.
311
00:16:57,830 --> 00:16:59,601
And then West Germany.
312
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:01,119
And then Uruguay.
313
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:02,995
You?
314
00:17:03,278 --> 00:17:04,431
Tarzana.
315
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:07,409
And then, the other side of Tarzana.
316
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,988
What did you want to be
when you were a kid?
317
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:13,281
Jane Goodall. You?
318
00:17:13,451 --> 00:17:14,449
A dog.
319
00:17:15,213 --> 00:17:17,296
This is fun. I'm having fun.
320
00:17:22,343 --> 00:17:25,252
It's getting kind of late.
I think I should go soon.
321
00:17:25,597 --> 00:17:26,597
What?
322
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,247
Haven't even gotten
our Combo Platos yet.
323
00:17:29,372 --> 00:17:31,365
- Are you feeling okay?
- Yeah, I'm great.
324
00:17:31,490 --> 00:17:34,305
I... Just considering my options
for the rest of the evening.
325
00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:37,973
And my PJ's and the Friday Night Lights
box set is winning hands down.
326
00:17:42,948 --> 00:17:44,646
We're having a great date.
What's wrong?
327
00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:47,065
Nutshell? I'm past you.
328
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,192
- Past me in what?
- In life.
329
00:17:49,790 --> 00:17:52,362
Look, Andy.
I know there are plenty of girls
330
00:17:52,530 --> 00:17:55,400
that would be dazzled
by $2 taco night at Borracho's
331
00:17:55,525 --> 00:17:58,310
and the fact that you can balance
a salt shaker on the bridge of your nose
332
00:17:58,435 --> 00:18:01,047
but honestly you lost me
about 15 minutes in.
333
00:18:03,243 --> 00:18:05,275
This is stunning. I'm stunned.
334
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,543
Stunned? Really?
335
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,029
You're unemployed,
336
00:18:08,322 --> 00:18:10,061
you're closer to 40 than 30,
337
00:18:10,186 --> 00:18:12,144
you drive a car from a TV show
338
00:18:12,544 --> 00:18:14,199
and your greatest recent
accomplishment
339
00:18:14,324 --> 00:18:16,845
was beating the upside-down
kill screen in Ms. Pac-Man.
340
00:18:17,445 --> 00:18:20,923
I didn't beat it, I just got to it.
Died almost immediately.
341
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:22,976
The thing's upside down.
342
00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:24,853
You're a frozen margarita, Andy.
343
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,938
I happen to like slushy beverages.
344
00:18:27,108 --> 00:18:28,497
And I'm a doctor.
345
00:18:33,526 --> 00:18:35,155
Fine, you're a doctor.
346
00:18:35,833 --> 00:18:36,865
I play doctor.
347
00:18:42,075 --> 00:18:43,789
Why did you even agree
to go out with me?
348
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,901
'Cause my mother always said
that "if they feed you, go."
349
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:50,241
I'm starting to realize
my mother gave me lots of bad advice.
350
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,631
Thank you for the drink.
351
00:18:55,076 --> 00:18:57,052
- I'll drive you home.
- No, it's all right.
352
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,588
I'll find my own way.
353
00:18:59,156 --> 00:19:01,411
Preferably in a car
with the doors open.
354
00:19:01,790 --> 00:19:03,150
Good night, Andy.
355
00:19:12,723 --> 00:19:14,413
This baby sleep too much.
356
00:19:14,757 --> 00:19:16,220
It probably just wants
357
00:19:16,345 --> 00:19:18,235
to wake up when it's all over.
358
00:19:18,545 --> 00:19:20,783
Shit, now I'm calling it an it.
359
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:22,093
Him an it.
360
00:19:22,470 --> 00:19:23,470
Him a him.
361
00:19:23,773 --> 00:19:25,789
I need to name this baby.
362
00:19:26,321 --> 00:19:27,646
I go surf now.
363
00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:31,127
I like Bernardo,
like in West Side Story.
364
00:19:31,793 --> 00:19:35,173
Bernardo Botwin.
I'll think about it.
365
00:19:36,079 --> 00:19:38,279
Bernardo?
He gets killed by Tony.
366
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:41,471
If you sign the birth certificate,
he'd be Andy Jr.
367
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:45,100
That's what I call my penis.
Wait, no, God!
368
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,185
I need to stop playing doctor
and be a doctor.
369
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:50,772
- What?
- I wanna be the father.
370
00:19:51,413 --> 00:19:52,957
- Really?
- Really.
371
00:19:53,082 --> 00:19:54,568
But I mean really, really.
372
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,659
If my name is
on this child's birth certificate,
373
00:19:56,784 --> 00:19:59,489
then I will be its father.
And we will raise it together.
374
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:00,615
- Him.
- Him.
375
00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:02,927
50% ownership.
Half the voting shares.
376
00:20:03,052 --> 00:20:04,953
And I'm on the bimah
at the bar mitzvah.
377
00:20:05,389 --> 00:20:06,621
He's Jewish now?
378
00:20:06,791 --> 00:20:07,917
Reform, but yeah.
379
00:20:08,042 --> 00:20:10,166
And just so you know,
I'm not doing this for you.
380
00:20:10,832 --> 00:20:12,085
This is for me.
381
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,604
I want something that matters.
I want to be a substantial human being.
382
00:20:16,787 --> 00:20:19,009
You know what I mean?
Substantial.
383
00:20:20,922 --> 00:20:22,022
Substantial.
384
00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,546
He's substantially wet.
385
00:20:27,671 --> 00:20:29,561
I think you should change him, papa.
386
00:20:32,990 --> 00:20:33,990
All right.
387
00:20:35,029 --> 00:20:36,193
What's up?
388
00:20:36,625 --> 00:20:38,827
All right, come on, little buddy.
389
00:20:38,952 --> 00:20:41,281
Let's see what you're packing
downstairs.
390
00:20:42,856 --> 00:20:46,244
Let's see what's going on down here.
391
00:20:46,741 --> 00:20:48,221
I know it.
392
00:20:49,671 --> 00:20:51,215
Bun's still on the hot dog.
393
00:20:51,340 --> 00:20:53,206
Right, that.
I got to take care of that.
394
00:20:53,331 --> 00:20:55,394
- Next checkup.
- Checkup?
395
00:20:55,738 --> 00:20:59,039
A briss with a mohel and a rabbi.
396
00:20:59,218 --> 00:21:02,347
Yeah, bagels and whitefish.
Those are my demands.
397
00:21:02,472 --> 00:21:05,372
- Demands?
- That's right. 'cause I'm the papa.
398
00:21:06,325 --> 00:21:07,475
I'm the papa.
399
00:21:08,710 --> 00:21:10,810
- Tradition.
- Oy.
400
00:21:22,606 --> 00:21:24,384
Who are all these people?
401
00:21:24,509 --> 00:21:26,096
The rabbi brought them.
402
00:21:26,221 --> 00:21:29,913
You need 10 Jews to watch him
lose his dick head or it's not official.
403
00:21:36,923 --> 00:21:39,048
That's it.
Mazel tov.
404
00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:41,299
Let's name this baby and eat.
405
00:21:52,057 --> 00:21:53,110
Nice work, rabbi.
406
00:21:53,235 --> 00:21:55,146
Well, thank you.
I've been at it a while.
407
00:21:55,404 --> 00:21:57,857
- What do you practice on?
- Goyim.
408
00:21:58,515 --> 00:22:00,860
I think it's a barbaric ritual.
409
00:22:01,030 --> 00:22:04,197
Well, it represents a covenant
between our people and God.
410
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:07,200
- It decreases pleasure.
- Paid for my summer house.
411
00:22:07,902 --> 00:22:09,102
Oh, excuse me.
412
00:22:12,561 --> 00:22:13,957
Will you look at this.
413
00:22:14,272 --> 00:22:17,282
A professional woman,
a doctor no less,
414
00:22:17,407 --> 00:22:19,713
playing a juvenile video game.
415
00:22:19,881 --> 00:22:22,382
It's just so immature...
For a doctor.
416
00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:24,759
I had no idea
this game was so awesome.
417
00:22:24,929 --> 00:22:26,233
So, clearly,
418
00:22:26,358 --> 00:22:28,763
you're open to looking
beyond first impressions.
419
00:22:28,933 --> 00:22:30,331
I didn't say that.
420
00:22:30,521 --> 00:22:31,850
Damn, I just died.
421
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,352
You are here
422
00:22:36,029 --> 00:22:37,981
'cause you like me, aren't you?
423
00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:40,399
I'm here because Nancy invited me.
424
00:22:40,695 --> 00:22:42,485
And I am fascinated by how
425
00:22:42,655 --> 00:22:44,686
this is gonna play out
with the gangster baby-daddy.
426
00:22:44,811 --> 00:22:46,711
I'm obsessed with the drama.
427
00:22:47,773 --> 00:22:50,802
- You were mean.
- I was honest. That's not mean.
428
00:22:50,927 --> 00:22:53,153
It was harsh.
It was a snap judgment.
429
00:22:53,278 --> 00:22:55,710
I'm almost inclined
to not ask you out again
430
00:22:55,835 --> 00:22:57,834
just to show you how wrong
you are about me.
431
00:22:58,366 --> 00:22:59,628
- Almost?
- Almost.
432
00:23:00,694 --> 00:23:01,797
Almost.
433
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:07,928
All right. Whitefish?
434
00:23:09,425 --> 00:23:11,348
Dimes go in the lipsticks.
435
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:13,892
Eighths go in the compacts.
436
00:23:14,570 --> 00:23:17,145
Half ounces in the eye-shadow kit.
437
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,287
This is exciting.
438
00:23:19,412 --> 00:23:21,925
When are you gonna break
the news to Doug and Silas?
439
00:23:22,998 --> 00:23:24,533
I'm working up to that.
440
00:23:24,658 --> 00:23:27,364
Well, you better do it soon
before that swelling goes down.
441
00:23:28,117 --> 00:23:29,406
You fractured my cheekbone.
442
00:23:29,864 --> 00:23:31,701
There's some old gym equipment
in the garage.
443
00:23:32,111 --> 00:23:33,203
I've been lifting.
444
00:23:33,581 --> 00:23:34,830
You look good.
445
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:38,484
Thank you.
446
00:23:46,773 --> 00:23:48,923
- From a drawer?
- That's right.
447
00:23:49,165 --> 00:23:51,136
- Can you fix it or not?
- Go see a doctor.
448
00:23:51,732 --> 00:23:53,065
I don't have any insurance.
449
00:23:53,190 --> 00:23:55,767
I've been taping it to a popsicle stick,
and it's turning blue.
450
00:23:56,159 --> 00:23:57,557
Try cherry.
451
00:24:02,183 --> 00:24:03,883
What are you looking at?
452
00:24:11,255 --> 00:24:12,617
I did not approve this.
453
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:14,953
Now he looks like his daddy.
454
00:24:16,061 --> 00:24:18,498
And you, too, from what I hear.
But slightly smaller.
455
00:24:19,362 --> 00:24:21,293
My son is not Jewish.
456
00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:23,561
Oh, yeah, he is now.
457
00:24:23,808 --> 00:24:25,462
It's an ancient
and scholarly religion.
458
00:24:25,784 --> 00:24:27,924
Disproportionate numbers
of nobel prize winners.
459
00:24:28,470 --> 00:24:31,845
- Meet my son... Avi Melech.
- That's his Hebrew name.
460
00:24:32,650 --> 00:24:35,344
"Avi" means "my father."
"Melech", the king.
461
00:24:35,469 --> 00:24:36,391
That's my boy.
462
00:24:37,328 --> 00:24:40,026
In english, it's Steven Ray Botwin.
463
00:24:40,279 --> 00:24:41,329
Stevie Ray.
464
00:24:41,778 --> 00:24:44,228
Would you like a bagel
with whitefish?
465
00:24:46,543 --> 00:24:49,070
I'm gonna have to speak
with you privately.
466
00:25:02,339 --> 00:25:03,835
This is unacceptable.
467
00:25:04,893 --> 00:25:06,785
My son, our son,
468
00:25:07,062 --> 00:25:09,758
will be baptized
by a priest in a church.
469
00:25:10,833 --> 00:25:12,532
Sorry, he's Jewish.
470
00:25:12,843 --> 00:25:13,893
Snip, snip.
471
00:25:14,254 --> 00:25:16,389
Eat fish.
Start saving for law school.
472
00:25:16,628 --> 00:25:18,642
I am his father.
I choose his life.
473
00:25:18,947 --> 00:25:20,617
You had your chance to choose.
474
00:25:20,742 --> 00:25:21,992
You walked out.
475
00:25:22,464 --> 00:25:23,972
I have to think about the baby now.
476
00:25:24,097 --> 00:25:26,566
You think about yourself.
Don't pretend that's a mother's love.
477
00:25:26,910 --> 00:25:30,070
From the man who refused to put his name
on his own son's birth certificate!
478
00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:32,364
My son's not gonna be raised
by that pendejo!
479
00:25:32,624 --> 00:25:34,449
That pendejo sticks around.
480
00:25:35,697 --> 00:25:38,578
He fights for what he loves.
And he's not a coward.
481
00:25:44,306 --> 00:25:46,294
Get out.
482
00:25:46,655 --> 00:25:48,380
My son won't grow up to be like you.
483
00:25:49,884 --> 00:25:52,175
He won't see you.
He won't know you.
484
00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:57,262
He is mine.
485
00:25:57,432 --> 00:25:58,556
No, you lost him.