1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,878 # Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,758 # Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:10,593 # Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft 4 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,478 - # And 50 times a day I hear -RAY: Are you having a laugh? 5 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,512 # Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose? 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,831 # The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:25,436 # When the whistle blows When the whistle blows # 8 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,590 -Oh, I don't like the sound of that. -What's up with you? 9 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,070 There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team. 10 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:39,270 They were practising on Amazon, and it's full of piranha fish, and they capsized. 11 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:43,399 Says in paper they were in danger of having their cocks eaten. 12 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,749 Why would piranhas go for the cocks first? 13 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,479 It doesn't mean what you think it... 14 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,792 The cox is the little fella who sits at back of boat shouting "stroke". 15 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,871 If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks. 16 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,918 It doesn't mean their... Oh, you don't get it, do you? 17 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,638 -I don't get it. -I know you don't get it. 18 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,278 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 19 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,715 RAY: Why, what would you go for first if you were a piranha? 20 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,075 I'd probably just have a bag of crisps. 21 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,236 Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh? 22 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:17,915 He'd definitely be interested in a film, yeah. Who else is in it? 23 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,551 Fella who played who? 24 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,471 Harry Potter? 25 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,994 I've never heard of him. What? 26 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,709 Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his 40s, do you? 27 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,678 That's... Oh, they've got someone for him? Okay. 28 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:36,111 And how much would... How much would you be paying him? 29 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,394 (EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY) 30 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:40,278 You got more money than sense, mate. 31 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,918 No, I'm his agent, yeah. 32 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:46,268 Do you know, I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon. 33 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,152 What did you say? 34 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,515 Oh, I said, "All right, as long as you're paying."' 35 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,234 -What did he say? -Well, he was a bit shocked, to be honest. 36 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,709 -Not surprised. -Yeah, not as shocked as when I told him 37 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:02,076 I'd only do it if we could take lots of photos to show me mum. 38 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,752 Oh, I've finished. 39 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,589 Knockerty, knock, knock. Hello. 40 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,878 All right? Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very, very funny. 41 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,758 -Yeah. What was your favourite bit? -Um... 42 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,115 -You didn't watch it, did you? -It's not my cup of tea, to be honest. 43 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,316 If I'm being truthful. It's not my thing, I can't get with it. 44 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,628 I'd like to talk some business. 45 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,393 How do you fancy three days with Billie Piper? 46 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,597 -Three days with Billie Piper? -Yeah, good money, you'd be in and out. 47 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:40,673 -What are you talking about? -Billie Piper, little magical kid with glasses. 48 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,354 -Do you mean Harry Potter? -Yes. 49 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,677 -Who did I say? -Billie Piper. 50 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,512 -I've heard of him. Who's he? -She. 51 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,956 She's an actress. She's in Doctor Who. She was a pop... 52 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,917 -Do you watch television? -Do I watch television? 53 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,151 I have just bought myself a brand-new 52 inch Plasma TV set. 54 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:58,556 52? That's way too big for your flat. 55 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:01,234 It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright. 56 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,629 I was wiring it up and David Dickinson came on 57 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,156 and his tan nearly took me eyeballs out. I'm all over the place. I've got headaches. 58 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,789 I've got it in the box now. I'm just watching a little portable. 59 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,075 You don't wanna buy a TV, do you? 60 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,390 -How much did you pay for it? -Three and half grand. 61 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,711 -What would you sell it to me for? -Three and half grand, face value. 62 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,711 Obviously not, I'd just buy a new... 63 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,633 No, you've got to give me a discount. It's second-hand. 1,500 quid. 64 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,517 That's an insult. I would rather smash it up 65 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,875 than give it to you for 1,500 quid. That is pathetic. 66 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,350 -All right, this project, go on. -Well, yeah, big British movie. 67 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,398 Lots of stars. Dame Diana Rigg's in it. All sorts of people. 68 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,471 I know you want to get into movies, so this could be a good in. 69 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,994 Plus, I checked with them straightaway, I said, "Will he still get paid 70 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:42,197 "even if his performance is crap?" They said yes. So it's a win-win for us. 71 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,315 You didn't ask them that? 72 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,356 Well, because obviously I was worried that if you got the gig 73 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,396 and then they saw the sitcom, they might fire you. 74 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,313 -But they've already seen the show, so... -Oh, they've seen the show? 75 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,358 Because they're in the business and they watch television. They're... Yeah. 76 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,432 -I wonder if they wanna buy a TV. -Don't ask them if they wanna buy a telly. 77 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,272 Right, call them and say yes, I'm interested. 78 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,920 And get Maggie some extra work on it, I don't want to spend three days 79 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,231 with loads of actors I don't know. Nightmare. Call them now. 80 00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,914 -Well, I'll call them later. -No, no, call them now. 81 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,911 -Well, I'll call them outside. -Call them in here. 82 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,230 No, you know, I don't want to call them in front of you, and... 83 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:15,313 -Don't ask them if they want to buy a telly. -Oh, I may as well do it in here, then. 84 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,075 Ridiculous. 85 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:30,838 So what scene are we starting with? 86 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,150 We're starting with 141. I'll just introduce you to... 87 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,468 Andy, this is Warwick. 88 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,790 -Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. -Hi. Good to meet you. 89 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,108 This is my fiancée, Claire. 90 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,633 -Hi. -Hi. 91 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:45,318 -So, do you know your lines? -Well, I've only got two, but... 92 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,676 -Are you sure all this food's definitely free? -Yes. This is my agent. 93 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,273 -Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. -Hi. 94 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:51,679 This is Warwick. 95 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,557 -Where? -There. 96 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,073 Oh! Midget. Hello. 97 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,797 -Babe, I'm gonna get some coffees. -All right. Okay. Thanks. 98 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,791 -What was your name, sorry? -It's Warwick. 99 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,950 Warwick. Funny little name as well to match. 100 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,393 (CLEARS THROAT) 101 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,710 Sorry, Andy, can I just show you where you're gonna be standing? 102 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:07,949 -Yes. -It won't take a second. 103 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,917 Don't... Yeah. 104 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,238 -Are those your own clothes? -Uh... 105 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:20,908 -No. -No? 106 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,390 Where do you get your normal clothes from? I mean, what are they? 107 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,835 Are they children's clothes, or are they toy clothes? How does it work? 108 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,878 Like your shoes, for instance. Would they be like a little toy bear's booties? 109 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,474 You sometimes see a toy monkey or something that has little trainers on, 110 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,198 -would you have a pair of them for yourself? -No. 111 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,759 -No? -There are specialist shops, 112 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,751 -and I do a lot of internet shopping. -Internet. 113 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,229 That makes sense. That's clever, yeah. 114 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,357 Could I fit in your house? Would that... How would it work? 115 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,159 -What have you been talking about? -Talking about the internet and stuff. 116 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,037 -Right. -Yeah, this would be a laugh. 117 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:49,917 Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house, 118 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,831 and as he goes up to bed, I put my face up against the window, 119 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,388 like Godzilla, freaking him out or whatever, 120 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,630 or reaching in through the window like King Kong trying to... 121 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,029 -What are you doing? -I'm just having a chat with him. 122 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:00,838 -Why are you still here? -I'm having a... 123 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,753 -We've got to learn our lines. -All right. 124 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:05,592 -See you later. -Bye. 125 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,109 (SIGHS) 126 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,918 -Agent? -Idiot. 127 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,437 (WARWICK SOBBING) 128 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,229 Wood-elf, why do you cry? 129 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,716 Blow as I might, my flute makes no sound. 130 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,639 Without my music, the birds cannot sing their morning song. 131 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,913 May I take a look? 132 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,037 Certainly, but I don't know what a boy can do. 133 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,196 Especially one dressed so strangely. 134 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,513 Try it now. 135 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,120 (PLAYING MELODIOUS TUNE) 136 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,952 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 137 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,993 Oh, sweet music is born again! 138 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,193 But I am curious. How did you know you'd need such an implement? 139 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,836 Always be prepared. 140 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,314 (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) 141 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:27,353 Okay, cut there. Thank you. Check the gate. 142 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,034 Can I get a drink of water, please? 143 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,831 -You married? -Yes. 144 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,994 That don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing. 145 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,437 -This chair free? -Yeah. 146 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,911 -How you doing? -Okay. 147 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,709 Oh, God, have I still got these on? I don't need these. 148 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,438 They're just for the character. 149 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,229 Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I never read. 150 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,394 Right. 151 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,355 Oh! 152 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,751 -Hey? -What? 153 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,995 -Fags. -Yeah. 154 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,955 -You smoke, do you? -Me? Oh, yeah, just a little bit, yeah. 155 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:31,638 -You? -No. 156 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:35,077 No, no, no, good girl, good girl, very wise. I've gotta cut down, really. 157 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,959 -I've done it with a girl. -What? 158 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:44,276 I've done it with a girl. Intercourse-wise. 159 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,311 -So if you're looking for... -WOMAN: Daniel? 160 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,709 Here's my mum. Say they're your fags. 161 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,956 -What you doing? -Nothing. 162 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:55,315 -She's trying to give me fags. -What? No, I'm not! 163 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,516 You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother. 164 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,556 Yeah, and she was trying to have it off with me. 165 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:03,235 Oh, well, of course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on, you. 166 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,117 -Makes me sick. -What? 167 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:28,591 These showbiz dwarves who use their powers to get women out of their league. 168 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,591 -Who, Warwick? -No, Paul Daniels. 169 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,590 Here, if she's into short men, you could be in with a chance. 170 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:37,999 -I'm not short. -Yeah, you are. 171 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,230 No, I'm not. No, no, 5' 8", average height. 172 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:41,719 Well, average in your day. 173 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,189 -My day? Born in the '60s. -Early '60s. 174 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,838 -Quite early. -1960? 175 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,876 -No. -1961? 176 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,915 -That'll be why you didn't grow. -I did grow. 177 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,958 With all the powdered egg and the rationing and everything. 178 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,315 -That was the war. -Yeah, well, whatever. 179 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,312 Do you know what? You've got small man complex. 180 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,515 What's that? 181 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,752 You're bad-tempered, grumpy, you want power and people to respect you. 182 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:09,549 Oh, like that little famous person. What's his name? 183 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:11,437 -Begins with an "N". -Napoleon. 184 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,397 Noel Edmonds. 185 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,994 I'm not short. I'm average height and that's... 186 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,196 I can see how it is upsetting for you 'cause there's him... 187 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:19,349 It's not upsetting. 188 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,510 -He's even smaller than you are... -'Cause I'm not small. 189 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,160 He is getting all these attractive and beautiful women and... 190 00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,832 -We all are. -But you're getting nothing. 191 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,797 Well, no way. I'm getting them. 192 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,394 Well, there was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett. 193 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,436 -And we know why you went for her. -Why? 194 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:36,559 -Because she could look you in the eye. -It's not a competition. 195 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,552 It's not like she saw us both and went, "Oh, I'll have the short one."' 196 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,959 -Is that you or him? -Him! 197 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,519 See? There's the temper. 198 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,910 I'm saying, if she'd met us both at the same time, 199 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,514 we don't know who she'd have chosen. 200 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,593 -Well, I think I know who she'd have chosen. -Who? 201 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,558 Huh? No, I'm not gonna say because it'd sound arrogant. 202 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,155 I don't wanna... But if she was single and she met us both... 203 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,639 -Yeah. -Yeah. 204 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,631 -Tell me. -Oh, for... Just think. 205 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,951 -I'm thinking. -Your own thoughts. Stay out of mine. 206 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,550 -Really stodgy, innit? -Honestly, I'm sick of this. 207 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,359 Can we go somewhere nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant. 208 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,668 -Yeah? -Yeah. 209 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,352 All right, then. 210 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,712 -Hey, gang, what we doing? -Just been eating. 211 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,951 Yeah, yeah, sweet. Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier. 212 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,191 -The offer still stands. -What offer? 213 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,559 You know. 214 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,757 I'm gonna go and get a drink. Does anyone want anything? 215 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,956 -I'll have a cup of tea. -Get me a bourbon, would you, babe? 216 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,632 I think it's mostly just teas and coffees and things. 217 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,039 Then get me a cup of joe, would you? 218 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,634 And make it strong. I don't like the weak shit. Oh! 219 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,913 Look, when she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone, will you? 220 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,512 What you got planned? 221 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,475 -You... You've unravelled it? -Ready for action. 222 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,951 Let's just hope it's big enough. 223 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,638 Um, can I have my johnny back? 224 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,036 "May" I have my johnny back? 225 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,714 -May I have my johnny back? -"Please."' 226 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,313 Yeah. 227 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,470 It's not called a johnny, though, is it? 228 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,994 -Durex? -No, that's a brand name. 229 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,639 "May I have back my prophylactic or sheath?" 230 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,713 -May I have my prophylac... -"Tic". 231 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,791 Tic. Prophylactic. 232 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,031 -Can I have it, please? -Yes. 233 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,918 Excuse me. Haven't you forgotten something? 234 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,756 Oh, thank you, Dame Diana. 235 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,799 -Still gonna use it, yeah? -Yeah, that'll be fine. 236 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,313 Lucky girl. 237 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,033 -Hiya. -Hi. 238 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,551 -You're getting married to... -Yeah, yeah. 239 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,396 That's really nice of you. 240 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,195 -It's really nice of me? -Yeah. 241 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,239 Well, me and my friend Andy, Andy Millman, were talking, 242 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:42,798 and he was surprised that you'd chosen someone like Warwick over... 243 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:47,994 Well, someone like him, who's... Do you only like small people? 244 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,156 I don't like him because he's small. I like him 'cause he has a nice personality. 245 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,434 Oh, well, that's good then, 246 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:57,513 because Andy was just saying that if you didn't mind someone who's a little bit taller, 247 00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,318 then he's up for it. 248 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:05,199 Sorry, so your friend is so arrogant, he thinks he just has to give the word 249 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:09,398 and I would immediately leave my fiancé for him because he's taller? 250 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,118 Do you understand how offensive that is? 251 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,352 -Yeah, it's a bit out of order, isn't it? -It is out of order. 252 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,113 He shouldn't really have said that, should he? 253 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,236 No, he shouldn't have said that. 254 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:28,749 BOY: Yes! 255 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,638 -This is all right, innit? -Share the wealth. 256 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,233 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 257 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:34,799 Yes! 258 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,236 -That kid's doing my head in, though. -It's a lovely place though, eh? 259 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,151 -Bit depressing, though. -Why? 260 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,028 Well, here I am with you, in a nice place, instead of a proper man. 261 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,117 -None taken. -No, I mean like on a date. 262 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,636 The only person with money that finds me attractive is a teenage boy. 263 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,553 Could be worse. He's a film star, he's got his own condom. 264 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:55,993 -What? -Nothing. 265 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,195 -Excuse me. -Hi. 266 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,477 Hi, I know this isn't really... Could I please get your autograph? 267 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,913 -Yeah. Sure. -Thanks. 268 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,911 -Who's it to? -To Emma. 269 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,513 -No worries. -BOY: Yes! 270 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,592 You can do me a favour, actually. Can you tell that woman to shut her kid up? 271 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,557 It's doing my head in. 272 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,319 -Cheers. -Thanks. 273 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,715 I'll never get used to that. 274 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,438 Why does someone want your name on a piece of paper? 275 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,351 I know, a wee bit weird. 276 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,313 (VIDEO GAME BEEPING) 277 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,834 Oh, she's told them it's you. 278 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,195 (WHISPERING) She's coming over. 279 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,354 Excuse me, I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant? 280 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,078 -lf he's like that, yes. -Andy... 281 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,072 -What do you mean, "like that"? -Well, why should we be burdened? 282 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,792 -Andy, don't... -Sorry, 283 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,872 you think that because you're on TV, you can order the rest of the world around? 284 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:45,555 It's nothing to do with that. But, you know, if he's gonna make that sort of noise... 285 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,915 -It's a restaurant, for God's sake. -That's not my fault, is it? 286 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,594 Well, it is your fault. You decided to have him. 287 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,955 -Of course I decided to have him. -Andy... 288 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,996 You'll be pleased to know we are about to leave anyway. 289 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,719 So I hope you have a wonderful evening, 290 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,155 and that you realise you're a horrible little man. 291 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,231 Ooh. No, I didn't realise it. 292 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,078 -I didn't realise... -I was trying to tell you. 293 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,789 -Oh, why didn't you say something? -I was trying to tell you that... 294 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,112 (GROANS) 295 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,950 Hello, Andy, how's it going, mate? Paul, mate. 296 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:31,871 I was just passing, want to clear up all this nonsense 297 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:33,632 about you having a go at Down's syndrome people. 298 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:35,358 -About what? -We've had this woman come to us, 299 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,590 saying that you were having a go at her kid who's Down's and that. 300 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:38,795 -Are you a journalist? -Huh? 301 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,836 -Are you a journalist? -Sort of, yeah, just freelance. 302 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,275 Just trying to turn this round, get the truth out there for you. 303 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,510 So what happened? The Down's syndrome's making a racket, 304 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:46,953 you tell him to shut up, his mum's up in arms. 305 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,758 I didn't tell anyone to shut up. 306 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,434 It's political correctness gone mad. You can't say what you think any more. 307 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,636 -Well, no... -Is that yes? Yeah... 308 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:55,312 I didn't know he was Down's syndrome. 309 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,674 You're in a restaurant with your girlfriend... 310 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,512 -She's not my girlfriend. -She's a girl who's your friend. 311 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,192 -Yeah. -I'll put girlfriend for the sake of ease. 312 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,271 -She's not my girlfriend. -For sake of shorthand. 313 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:03,759 She's not my girlfriend. 314 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,717 You're in there, you heard a noise and it was driving you mad? 315 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,313 You can't say "mad" nowadays, can you? 316 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,312 -He was making a noise and I got a little... -Mad? You got mad? 317 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,436 -The mad kid was driving you mad? -I wouldn't say that. 318 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,317 Can't say he's mad nowadays, can you? Or mental? 319 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,549 I wouldn't say he was... 320 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,471 Can you make it clear I didn't know he was Down's syndrome? 321 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,949 -I will, I will. -Write that down. 322 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,235 -Are you actually writing anything? -Yeah, yeah. 323 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,629 So, you complained, the mum came over, she went nuts? 324 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,517 -She was agitated... -So she went mad? 325 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,397 So you could say she was going madder than her son? 326 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,357 -I wouldn't say that, no. -Would you say she was going mental? 327 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:31,873 -No, I wouldn't... -So you might say mental? 328 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,598 -No, I wouldn't... -Can't say anything nowadays, can you? 329 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,477 -I wouldn't... -lf you wanna say "mental", you can't. 330 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:39,599 -I've got to go. See you later. -Cheers, mate. Cheers, got everything I need. 331 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,877 "In a shocking outburst that will stun comedy fans everywhere, 332 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,952 "so-called TV funny man Andy Millman lost his temper 333 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,828 "and blasted a Down's syndrome child for supposedly ruining his dinner 334 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,672 "at a £100-a-head restaurant."' 335 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,954 £100 a head? 336 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,678 Well, it was about 80 quid between us, but go on. 337 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,194 200 quid for a meal for two people! How the other half live. 338 00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:58,554 Sorry, that makes me sick. 339 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,870 "Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend."' 340 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,518 -Oh, pissed. -No, I'd had one drink. 341 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,238 -Did you glug it, though? -Did I what? 342 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,392 -It says here you glugged it. -I don't know what glugging is. 343 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,833 (GLUGGING) 344 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,275 Never glug. Always sip a lovely wine. Never glug it. 345 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,750 Can we stop saying "glug"? And I wasn't even drinking red wine. 346 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,717 Maggie was drinking red wine, I had a beer. 347 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,950 "Millman had been glugging red wine 348 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:22,555 "and let off a tirade of abuse at the innocent child and his stunned mother, 349 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,471 "who he claimed was as mad as her son."' 350 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,357 -I didn't say that. -Well, someone did. 351 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,000 "Says mum Maureen Wilson, 'l used to be a fan of Andy's, 352 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,752 "'but after his torrent of hate, 353 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:34,628 "'if he thinks I'll ever watch his programme again, he's having a laugh."" 354 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,792 She's used the old catchphrase against you. Stitched you up there, it's witty. 355 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,279 Yeah, as if she ever said that. 356 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:43,638 As if she's making little jokes if she's that angry. She didn't say that. 357 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,795 Sorry, what can we do about this? Can we sue? 358 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:47,869 I don't think it's worth it. 359 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,190 This sort of thing is tomorrow's fish and chip paper, isn't it? 360 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,077 He's not having fish and chips any more. 200 quid for a meal! 361 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,196 -You'd have trouble doing that a chippie. -You would. 362 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,919 -I didn't spend 200 quid. -It says 230 in this one. 363 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,228 -Lies. -No, it does. 364 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,515 No, I don't mean you're lying, I mean they're lying. 365 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,797 -They make stuff up, don't they? -I don't know about that. 366 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,111 You've never heard of a paper making stuff up? 367 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,509 Of course they do. They made stuff up about you two. 368 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,229 When they said you went into the East Enders bosses to beg for his job back 369 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,675 and you were on your knees and then you burst into tears. 370 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,796 They made that up. 371 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,710 -Yep. -Didn't they? 372 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:21,949 Yeah. 373 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,313 Bullshit. 374 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,713 I guess only time will tell. Anything else? 375 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,519 Let's move to this story about the actor Andy Millman. 376 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:32,635 Who's he? 377 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,950 He's that guy, you know, he does the "Is he having a laugh?" 378 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,758 Yeah, I'm with you. Go on. 379 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:40,196 Well, he's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down's syndrome boy. 380 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,398 Both mother and son are completely devastated as it was an unprovoked attack. 381 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,994 -Did he hit him? -Well, it doesn't say. 382 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,914 If he did strike the boy, then he deserves to be banned from television. 383 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,752 (APPLAUSE) 384 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,153 So have you heard about this? 385 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:59,313 TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down's syndrome child. 386 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,517 Today we're asking, are celebrities out of control? 387 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,036 Is it one rule for us and another for the rich and famous? 388 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,869 Tony's on the line. What do you make of this Millman character? 389 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:12,236 What can you say, Nick? It's disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting. 390 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,436 I mean, excuse my French, but I think he's a shit. 391 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,512 No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right. 392 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,239 You know I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air, 393 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,151 but what else can you say about this piece of work? 394 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,915 Well, the thing is, I heard he also hit the mother. Punched her in the face. 395 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,833 He punched the mother? Oh, my God! 396 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:31,673 Tony, thank you, that gives a whole fresh new life to the story. 397 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,800 Coming up today, what made rising star Andy Millman 398 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,030 punch a defenceless Down's syndrome child 399 00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,192 and his elderly, wheelchair-bound mother in the face? 400 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,350 Denise Robertson will be here to speculate. 401 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,158 Plus, Rwanda revisited. 402 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,152 Twelve years after the genocide, a harrowing report 403 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,674 from Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling. 404 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,358 Andy, quick, come here, come here, look, look! 405 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,832 Oh! What the... 406 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,992 Thank you so much for having me on. It's great to be able to clear the air. 407 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,116 I know there's been a lot of press speculation and so on. 408 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,350 -What's he doing? -Well, I spoke to Andy, 409 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,040 and he's explained everything to me, and the truth is this. 410 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:09,954 He is successful now, and he wanted to go to a classy restaurant, you know, 411 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:12,759 -as I'm sure you sometimes want to. -Sure. 412 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,354 As he said to me, you know, he's got some cash now, 413 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,716 he does not want to have to associate with riff-raff, and why should he? 414 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:20,916 So, he's gone in this posh restaurant with his friend 415 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,515 and there is a mother in there with her kid, and her kid's making a load of noise, 416 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,353 load of racket and it's just ruining it for everyone, you know. 417 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,638 And he's obviously furious, Andy, because he's paying through the nose for this grub. 418 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,871 I mean, it's silly money. And so he complains to the mother, 419 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,032 and they get into this ruck, and the thing is he didn't realise 420 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:42,671 that the kid was, you know, mentally deranged, or whatever, 421 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,352 because he could only see him from behind. 422 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,671 And I defy anyone to be able to identify, from behind, 423 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,274 you know, one of these mongoloids. 424 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,032 I'm sorry, a mongoloid? 425 00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,873 No, I mean, if you had a bunch of people lined up over there, you know, 426 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:58,316 and one of them was a mongoloid and they had their backs to you, 427 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,595 I defy anyone to be able to tell which one it was. 428 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,829 I think I could. 429 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,797 Big words, Richard, but I don't think you could. 430 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,189 No, I'm sorry, I think I could. 431 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:09,192 Can we try and sort that out for tomorrow, you know, just get a few in? 432 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,236 I don't think we can do that, Richard. 433 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,038 Oh, come on, Judy, let's see. It'll be interesting. 434 00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:14,553 It would be interesting. 435 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,278 Darren, thank you very much. 436 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,511 Thank you. Oh, but before I go, do you remember Barry off East Enders? 437 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:20,828 -Yes. -Do you remember Barry? 438 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:25,675 Well, he's recorded a CD, did it in his garage. And it's only available on the internet. 439 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:27,512 It's Barry singing songs from the shows. 440 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,636 -He's got a lovely voice, Richard, really. -Yeah, yeah. 441 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,109 -The great thing about it is... -Good, well, that's sorted that out. 442 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,760 -At least I've got my best man on it. -I said to him, you know, 443 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,991 you say something's for charity, doesn't matter if it's a load of old tat, 444 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,230 it'll go straight to the top of the charts and then... 445 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,278 Yeah, can I have The Sun newspaper, please? 446 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,794 ANDY: Um... Okay, thanks, thanks, everyone. 447 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,872 Now, Dougie, I asked your mum 448 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,872 what's the one thing you'd most like in the whole world, 449 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,077 -and she said an X-Box. Is that right? -Yes. 450 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,435 Okay, so what have we got here, then? 451 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,909 Yes! Thank you. 452 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,552 Do you apologise then, Andy? 453 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,234 It wasn't a case of an apology. It was a misunderstanding, 454 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,232 -so no apology necessary. -The X-Box is apology enough. 455 00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,311 It's not an apology, but, you know... 456 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,277 -And you're happy with that, then? -I am, thank you. 457 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:14,759 Very happy. 458 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,479 -And can I just say, as a further apology... -It's not an apology. 459 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,199 I've been talking to Maureen and we both agree it would be appropriate 460 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:24,034 for Andy to donate to a charity of Maureen's choosing his entire fee 461 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,112 for the film that he's currently working on, after agency deductions. 462 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,192 JOURNALIST: Well, that's very generous. It's a lovely surprise. 463 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,714 It is a surprise, big surprise. 464 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,349 -Hi. -Oh, hiya. 465 00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,555 Hi. 466 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,999 Well, you know who I am, what's your name? 467 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,435 -Erm, my name's Claire. -Claire. 468 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,111 You've got a lovely necklace on, Claire. 469 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,350 Thank you, that's very nice, thanks. 470 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,749 Would you... Do you fancy dinner? Are you free tonight? 471 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,078 I'm not, actually, no. No, I'm engaged. 472 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:20,513 Well, um, tomorrow? 473 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,639 No, thank you, no, I won't. I won't go out for any meal with you. Yeah. 474 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:29,992 -Not even brunch? -No, not even brunch. 475 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:41,319 Hey, Maggie, listen. I'm gonna cut to the chase 476 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:44,153 because I respect you too much to bullshit you. 477 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:47,431 -It's over, yeah? -Sorry? 478 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,273 It's over between us. I don't want tears. That's the kind of guy I am. 479 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:51,509 You knew that going in. 480 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,593 I just think it's better we end things now before you fall in love with me any deeper. 481 00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,877 You knew it wasn't forever, I said it was playtime, we had some laughs, 482 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,349 but I cannot be tied down to one chick. 483 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:03,949 Okay. 484 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,509 And I don't wanna waste this on you. Got a better bird now. 485 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,275 Well, thanks for your honesty. 486 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,239 (CLEARS THROAT) 487 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,914 -Something to remember me by. -You brushed your teeth today? 488 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,353 -Yes! -Yes, that was... 489 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,556 -WARWICK: Oi, Radcliffe. -What? 490 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,551 -What have you been up to? -Nothing. 491 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,915 Don't lie. You've been chatting up my fiancée. 492 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,912 -She's just told me. -Mum. 493 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,195 Don't call for your mum. You were chatting up my bird, 494 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,236 so act like a man and deal with the consequences. 495 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,595 -I was just... -I was just... Na-na-na-na! 496 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:40,795 You speccy little git. 497 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,916 -These aren't real glasses. -You're a speccy git. 498 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,230 -Leave him alone. He's just a boy. -I'm 17. 499 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,278 -And what's this gotta do with you? -He's doing nothing, is he? 500 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:50,112 Oh, don't stick your big nose in, love. 501 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,997 -All right, calm down. -Oh, you! 502 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,116 I'm glad you're here 'cause you had the same idea. 503 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:55,235 What? 504 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,517 I know you sent your little mate in here to do your dirty work for you, 505 00:25:58,600 --> 00:25:59,999 trying to undermine me. 506 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:01,479 -What have you done? -Nothing. 507 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,790 -What have you done? -You think it's okay, do you? 508 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,313 Trying to steal my fiancée? 509 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,197 -I don't know what you... -You shit! 510 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,032 What are you doing? What are you doing? 511 00:26:09,120 --> 00:26:11,998 -What do you think I've got this ring for? -I don't know, you're a hobbit? 512 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,195 You fat shit! 513 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:16,113 Look, I don't know what the rules are for fighting a midg... Try that one. 514 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,555 That usually works in cartoons. What are you doing? 515 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:24,234 Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. 516 00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,198 Accidental knee. 517 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,555 -CLAIRE: Oi, what are you doing? -Lucky shot. 518 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,756 -What have you done? -He was going mad at me. The face... 519 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,195 Babe, babe, babe. Sweetheart, Warwick, Warwick. 520 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,759 -Is he not... -Sweetheart, Warwick. 521 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,479 -He's breathing. Oh, it's all right. -I can see he's breathing. 522 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,154 Warwick? You all right? Sweetheart, sweetheart. 523 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,992 Have you still got that cat suit from The Avengers? 524 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,274 CLAIRE: What happened? 525 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:45,588 Go away, Daniel. 526 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:49,070 ANDY: His eyes are open. Right, okay, let's move on now, come on. 527 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:52,357 Remember that charity that you promised to give half of your film fee to? 528 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,431 You mean the charity you promised to give half my film fee to? 529 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:55,635 That we agreed to give some money to. 530 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,109 Well, they're basically quite keen to get hold of the cash... 531 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,555 Well, I was kicked off the film. There is no fee. 532 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,631 But they're expecting the money. We've got to give it to them. 533 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,472 They don't know what the fee was for the film, do they? 534 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,438 They do. They do, 'cause I mentioned it to them. 535 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,231 I've got to give them wages I haven't even earned? 536 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,198 It's okay, we can pay the money we owe from the money we get for the sitcom. 537 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,032 -How much is it? -It's about half. 538 00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,475 -Half an episode? -Well, half the whole series. 539 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,357 I've got to give them half my wages for the entire series? 540 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,192 You're the one who insulted the kid with... 541 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:22,998 I didn't insult him, I didn't know he was... 542 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,197 You must have upset him in some way 'cause you made it into the papers. 543 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,111 Talking of the papers, you've made quite a splash again, 544 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,795 but annoyingly, they didn't sort of go with the giving the kid an X-Box angle. 545 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,393 What did they go with? 546 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:36,040 "TV Bully Kicks Dwarf In Face."' 547 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:39,192 Accurate. But as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. 548 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,113 -"Pick On Someone Your Own Size, Fatty."' -Oh, maybe there is. 549 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,918 This is the worst one. 550 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,719 "Suicide Bombers Get Lotto Funding."' Look at that. 551 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,749 -What's that got to do with me? -Well, nothing, it's just shocking, isn't it? 552 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:54,150 What they're up to. Oh, no, actually, what am I talking about? 553 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,358 This is the worst one in The Mail. "Gypsies Are Eating Our Pets."' 554 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:27,829 Ooh. 555 00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:32,279 (STAMMERING) Yeah, I know, it's number three. 556 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:34,829 Damn!